The December 2015-February 2016 Jump Club

[[kr...]]

bjeste - you are sleeping w remeron? what dose? i have 15mg. it was pretty ok all winter. now i never know. ive been obsessing online with supps and how to help sleep.

ive had those days where im a mess half the day and ok later

Ang - so happy for you i hope it lasts.

eric - sorry to hear you have a cold again! does it worry you? im impressed you can lift weights. and work! I cant help but compare with others even though we are different and everyone's recovery is different.

It was suggested by dr to try bacopa so ofcourse i read and to continue w seriphos to lower cortisol, which she didnt understand my question that  i didnt know if it worked or i was doing it wrong- trying to call office. its so frustrating to know how much MORE i read up and the dr doesnt when it comes to our situation. I am overwhelmed today w searching stuff all over BB on supps.

i liked the recent success story where she used inositol...maybe that one is safe

I feel like i should just go for a little walk. im not doing anything thats enjoyable cause im wrapped up in this. but it alarms me having got maybe an hour or so sleep??i was "in and out" tossing. i dont want to bum anyone out.

how do you all sleep? Id really like to know if the 3rd month was bad for you guys.

[[bj...]]

kris1967,

Remeron 30 mg one hour before bedtime. I sleep all night.

 

and all of you,

Do you know anything about Remeron and withdrawal problems?

[[an...]]

Bjest- See what you noticed- the depression just lifted. This proves it is a W/D symptom and NOT your previous condition returning which is GREAT NEWS. If it was you, I don't think it would lift like that. If any symptom lifts, I take it that that is a symptom. If it was really a problem it wouldn't lift. What do you guys think

 

I don't know anything about remeron w/d. I have a whole bottle of it- untouched- in the drawer next to my bed. I've been scared to take a tylenol for a headache this whole time.

 

Kris- NO SUPPLEMENTS for me. I think the obsessing part is also a w/d symptom. I understand that we ALL want some relief and want to speed healing because it just sucks so bad. I don't obsess about supplements, I obsess about my health and my body being healthy. When my mind goes there, I have to REDIRECT- starting thinking about something positive, go for a walk, do a meditation, read a book, anything.

[[kr...]]

thanks bjesti! ..and good question. id like to quit taking it now when i worry about it, but i HAVE to have some sleep. Im glad to hear you sleep w it!  i only did 15 the last couple nights. ill do the extra half tab again. when i started it in aug it didnt work for the longest time and over winter it was just enough not great. i know its a low dose but heard high doses dont give you the sedation. maybe thats higer than you take.

Keep up with the gym! its proven to be better than any med! if i can sleep enough i get exercise. nothing where i used to but ok for now. I have too much pain and sometimes more sx when i dont sleep

[[kr...]]

Thanks Ang ! you seem very strong! I need to exercise its my drug. I am laying off supps more. I just got sucked in cause of the dr visit and questions. Then i wanted to know more about better sleep. You are so right though, redirect thoughts. I know obsessing is a sx. I have some of that anyway though, just worse now. I like hearing your techniques to redirect when you post, im not ready for a therapist right now.  I will go and walk today! How was month 1 2 3 4? sleep ok? Im 14 wks and counting!

[[kr...]]

i am glad to be in this group you all are great

[[Er...]]

 

eric - sorry to hear you have a cold again! does it worry you? im impressed you can lift weights. and work! I cant help but compare with others even though we are different and everyone's recovery is different.

 

It would worry me more if I hadn't had recent blood tests showing my blood counts are all good so it just must be a very bad cold season.  I'm not lifting nearly as much as I would like to. I'm taking it easy and just trying to transform my body back. I'm 6'1" 215lbs which is what I've been all taper but my body composition has definitely changed according to my pants  time to reverse that!

[[an...]]

My sleep has been so weird. Usually, I cannot fall asleep before 3-4am the last month. I tend to wake up every tiny little noise and earlier and several times. Yes it sucks but I know it is temporary. I noticed that if I don't walk or do yoga (I usually do both everyday) I really sleep like crap. I keep meditation apps on my phone and hit play every time I wake up. This usually helps me fall back asleep- sometimes it doesn't but most of the time it does. Part of this recovery is about teaching myself to sleep without meds again. I've basically been on meds that made me tired for 13 years so to NOT have sleep problems NOW would be crazy. Of course I have sleep issues, but i am working on them.

[[pe...]]

Hi Ang:

 

. What session are you on and PLEASE tell me more!!!!

 

I have been doing EMDR for about 2 years. It can be an up and down experience.  My wife has done it longer than I and feels it has a calming effect.  Not the same for everybody.  I did work with EMDR (those buzzers in the hand) for only 15 minutes last session, and had a terrible night's sleep following.  Was exhausted the next day.  That's one thing to understand.  You have a great deal of control in the situation.  If you don't feel like using the paddles, say so.  Or if you want to use them for part of the session, say so. Or if you want to use them for 5 minute bits say so.  Today, I didn't use the buzzers at all; we just talked.  Still I felt the session was valuable.  We talked about hard, painful stuff.  And on that topic, you shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed to say anything at all to your therapist.  It's their job to try to understand YOU.  But they don't have a chance of understanding you, if you can't talk about the stuff--the experiences and feelings--important to you.  This is different from another issue.  How hard is it for you to talk about and relive the experience of the original trauma.  It's the therapist's job to help and support you at this level.  I found the talking I did today very hard. 

 

I hope this is a little help.

 

Let me know if there is anything else I can clarify, maybe, or elaborate upon.....Or just tell me more about how the therapy feels to you...

 

[[kr...]]

Ang -I think i notice if i do too much activity, i pay for it. but if i do none, i just turn into a blob. I listen in bed sometimes to a meditation but i now try not to look at my phone because the blue light that emits from electronics diminishes melatonin. i didn't believe it at first till i stopped looking at screens late. I do yoga at home and walk everyday too unless im in real bad shape from no sleep. Somehow i think am one of those whose muscles really got affected by klon. It actually crept up on me while i was on it and i had no idea what was wrong till i found this place and read more.  My insomnia for over a year was so debilitating, my body hasnt totally recovered. I admire you stickin it out!...I will deal with remeron later.

I walked tonight for 20 min nice n easy. saw 6 deer right in front of me   I think getting sucked in to the computer all day made me more anxious than if Id just started out with a walk!!

 

Eric - my body has changed too! I had comments even when i came back to MI this summer. Im not vain at all i just want good health but it did hurt my feelings that a few "friends" would comment the way they did.

About health in general, I hear our immune systems are down while we recover which i dont want to believe since ive become so much more nutrition oriented. (still workin on the mental part doing meditation, not taking on so much always saying yes etc). I haven't had any colds or flu in years. Im due for yearly check up this summer. Im interested in the nutra eval test kit too on vitamin deficiencies etc but I think our systems could show any thing at any given day with the rollercoaster recovery, so maybe its good to wait. unsure.

 

Pensioner - were you prescribed remeron to help stop benzo? to help w sleep?

[[an...]]

Pensionier1 the original trauma I am trying to work on right now is this whole cold turkey thing. That's why its so hard to talk about because its so out of the realm of what a normal person experiences and its still so close to me in time! It's only been 3 3/4 months since the scary stuff happened. I have done a TON of therapy on my earlier traumas and I'm sure I'll have to do those again just to make sure I'm good. Yes I like that you can say no paddles too. I think it's gentle and not much different than just talking about it, you know what I mean? Like I barely notice the paddles are going off when they do because I'm concentrating on the story and what to say.

 

The only thing that happened yesterday was that I felt like a wound was opened up a little and I didn't want to leave her office feeling like that. Thank god I said something so she helped me do a mindfulness exercise and the butterfly hug thing. I was better and left just fine. I slept really good last night / this morning and honestly woke up more peaceful and calmly than I have in months. I have no idea if this is a product of EMDR or healing or who knows!

 

Thanks for telling me about your experience too. How deep and in depth do you go on each experience? Is just "telling the story" enough or do you have to get really super detailed?

[[Er...]]

Today was the 5th day in a row waking at about 4:30am with the chemical rush.  It isn't overwhelming but just keeps me awake and slightly uncomfortable.  I can still at least lay there.  I think if I didn't have to wake up at 6:45 for work I could have fallen back asleep about that time.  The bad thing is that with this mornings rush came some morning chemical anxiety.  I haven't experienced this in this small wave.  Again, nothing major, but I can feel the physical effects of it even though I have nothing to be anxious about and my mind isn't going to a bad place (which is VERY good as I had bad health anxiety for a lot of my taper/post).

 

Overall, I'm disappointment that I am in a "wave" for the past few days but I'm pleased that it is definitely smaller than previous waves so that is a positive thing.  I just hope it goes away soon.

 

Once on here I heard someone describe withdrawal as a bouncing ball going down a flight of stairs and I think that's the perfect analogy.  It has its ups and its downs but with each bounce (wave) it lands on a lower step and can never bounce as high as the last one.  Eventually it reaches the bottom. 

[[bj...]]

I hope you are right Eric!

For me it feels like it gets worse for every wave I'm in. Today is unbearable. I don't know how to cope with this, but I have no choice. I just grunt and moan all day long.

Despite this, I went to the gym earlier today, working out in a group. It was not fun at all. But I did it!

I can't go to our folk music session tonight, and I can't go to my mother's 80 year's birthday tomorrow. Three hours car trip each way...

But of course I hope that I wake up with/in a new window tomorrow. If so, we shall go there.

 

 

[[Er...]]

Thanks bjesti.  I'm really sorry that your waves continue to get worse.  I really hope you turn the corner soon.  Mine got worse before they got better in the beginning.  I hope you wake up in a window and can go to your mother's 80th birthday tomorrow!

[[4m...]]

I feel like I may be turning a corner.  The last couple of days I haven't been near as dizzy and "swaying boat" feeling.  Still lots of head pressure, but just to feel a bit more stable is a huge blessing!  Praying it will continue to improve, and the mind fog will continue to clear.  There's hope!

[[Er...]]

4mylife, I really hope you are turning a corner!  That's great news.  Keep the positive attitude.

[[Ho...]]

Hey all. Hope everyone is doing good. I had some good days over the last couple weeks. My worst symptoms right mozzarella fear and hyprocrondia. Anybody else struggling with hyprocrondia?

[[an...]]

EricSS I love that analogy and for me so far that has been very true too!

 

Bjest Hang in there, your bouncing ball will slow down!

 

Hockeylife OMG YES! Except I don't run to the doctor because part of me knows these fears are completely irrational. Here's my latest example that just happened last night. I got out of the shower, everything fine, feeling ok. I take the towel and reach down to dry off my legs when I felt some pain in the front of my calf under my knee. I didn't see a bruise or anything and tried to think if I had ran into anything and I couldn't think of anything! Then I rubbed it a few times and convinced myself it is the start of a blood clot and I am gonna die because I refuse to go to the doctor. I just woke up about 20 minutes ago and looked down and there is a little bit of a bruise. I still don't remember running into anything and really didn't do anything but walk the dog and do homework all day yesterday. I also had thoughts this morning that I am gonna have a stroke since my hands always go numb when I sleep.

 

This is exhausting and so stupid to me because I never had thoughts like this before this. I talked to my therapist about "health anxiety" which is what I call it on Thursday. She said when we don't feel safe, our mind will look for a reason and attach to it. What do you think of that theory? We don't feel safe. I kinda don't after all this! It kind makes sense to me. My theory is that it will go away. it's already less intense than it was a few weeks ago. Crossing my fingers. Tell me about yours please so I don't feel so crazy!

 

 

[[Er...]]

Hockeylife and Ang, Health anxiety is my biggest symptom also.  It's been a lot better over the past few weeks as far as getting over the fear quicker, but it is still there.  All through my taper and most of the way through PAWS this was utterly debilitating.  The constant fear of looming and certain death is so stressful and mentally/emotionally draining that it utterly consumes you and becomes your whole life.  Every little thought is about a health issue.  And even when I'm not thinking about a health issue, it makes me think about not thinking about it and that makes me think about it.  And the cycle starts over.  This whole ordeal would have been so much easier if I could just convince my stupid brain that I'm OK. I strongly believe that I can now handle the most excruciating pain you can throw at me and be OK with it and I would gladly take it if only I could convince myself that it's only w/d and will get better.  I KNOW it is w/d, so why can't I convince my brain of this? That's why I know I'm not 100% in control yet. Ugh...

[[Ho...]]

Ang, mine is simular to yours. I have anxiety for now reason and then my brain will attach to something. Any little pain, spot, soreness, etc. I freak out and think the worst and don't get relief til it goes away or til someone tells me I'm alright. I've been to the doctor twice and dentist 3 times in the last 2 months. I won't go into detail and tell you the fears, cause I don't wanna put stuff in your guys head. But is this withdrawal or am I nut case?

[[Ho...]]

I should add, on top of it all, I'm trying to quit chewing due to some of those fears. Blah!

[[an...]]

I think this is 100% W/D. I've been anxious about my health in the past but no where near this intense. Every single day I think about a stroke or having surgery or getting in an accident or something. Drives me crazy!!! But, I do agree that the intensity is slowly loosening it's grip. It's maybe 10% less than it was in month 1.

 

So glad to hear I'm not the only one dealing with this.

 

Poor Bjesti and pensionier1 got depression and we are all scared we are gonna die and are stuck with hypochondria.

 

I agree that like a huge part of me knows these fears are ridiculous but I can't convince myself either. I just had my sister who used to be a CNA look at my "blood clot" to tell me it wasn't a blood clot and I'm still not completely convinced. UGH THIS SUCKS! 

[[...]]

Hi guys!!

 

Input please!

 

I am in my fourth month. On the 18th of next month I will be 5 months off. For that I am happy. My symptoms pretty much remain the same. They cycle in and out. Last night though, I had stabbing pain. Felt like someone put a sharp sword in fire and was stabbing me. It wasn't all over, thank God, but it was there nonetheless. My lower abdomen was also hurting. I also have this churning feeling inside me. Sometimes this feeling will build and then let out through my ears. Kinda like a pressure cooker when you lift the cover and the steam, steams through. All these feelings I would say are in the moderate degree. It has never been so intense that I cannot function. Does anyone know if this could get worse over the course of the following months? I'm so scared because these are really horrible symptoms. Don't know if I would be able to live through them. On the one hand,  few other symptoms have dropped off. Well...who knows. They might come back. I'm hoping they don't. I hale everyone is doing alright. Thank you for listening.  :) :) :) <3

[[kr...]]

Hi everyone I am totally on the same page with health anxiety!!  I used to have it but never like this. Im in w window with a clear head so I want to share some things on this topic with you all

So Angie...I came up w the same thing your therapist said! (patting myelf on the back;).. when i have some organic anxiety, Im sure the brain NEEDS some kind of explanation, and creates its own reason, to which we believe!! but its a benzo lie.

 

When you have a real reason for anxiety, its like giving the brains alarm system an INCH but it takes a MILE

 

Sometimes just the cns itself gets riled up from something startling or too heavy exercise and you might associate it with mental anxiety. This happened to me in pt this morning.

 

Sometimes having unstable sugar (common sx) creates huge anxiety, for me its critical to have healthy food within reach all the time

 

Also obsessing is a symptom which I have been known to do, only it was in a moderate degree and usually for things like homework! or some bad boyfriend etc whereas now its like yesterday, getting sucked in all day online, like a thought takes hold, and you pick it to pieces, and each piece finds 2 more things, and etc etc AGAIN most all of which is garbage cause a symptom took you down that rabbithole!

 

I have always been a good student, studied anything i wanted to know more about, always being prepared....its 10fold now and unnecessary. Uhg. Id like to do some things that I just enjoy (Im an artist and i have hardly painted in 2 yrs) but i let this other crap take the stage. I had no desire. Lately some spark is coming back. Need some confidence and just be in the moment and not worry that it wont be perfect enough!  So Im goin to try doing some art tonight my physical therapist said do something enjoyable each day...it creates new grooves in the brain...neuroplasticity!!!!

 

i wish i could tell you all how to get out of the panic but maybe some of this helps.  i have to read it myself when i panic. I cant watch commercials about cigarettes and LungC cause its a rational fear i have, my parents died of it and i smoked. stupid, being so athletic my life. it was traumatic taking care of my mom

 

Gia  - I have had stabbing pains too. last year in my chest. Occasionally in back. mostly now in my feet and thighs. Drink enough water!!

[[...]]

Gia  - I have had stabbing pains too. last year in my chest. Occasionally in back. mostly now in my feet and thighs. Drink enough water!!

 

Thank you Kris!