The December 2015-February 2016 Jump Club

[[il...]]

Hey, you accomplish more than anyone else I've talked to by even going to school. So listen to your body and follow your heart. Would I? Absolutely not. Ha! But, that's me. That's how fearful I am of revving my system. Talk to me about traveling, though, in a few months? I LIVE for travel! You'll figure it out. 

 

I 100% agree with you. The human connection with those who understand. I'm finding lately that the better I feel, the more I'm staying off. I just can't handle some of the posts. What I hope you remember, as I will, is that we just have to look in the mirror and pay attention to our bodies. The crap we hear here may in fact be true, and that's what's so scary. But, again, I'm more than confident it isn't without other contributing factors.

 

Rock on, girl.  You got this. You inspire me!

[[il...]]

Ang I forgot to mention something else. My opinion, if they are experiencing horrible side effects or what have you, I believe it applies to people who are still tapering because they are still introducing the drug to the brain, regardless of the amount. Ya know? Again, no doctor or pro here, but just me.

 

Also, maybe this will help people. Only because I know it helped me reading this kind of stuff when I was really going through it. Remember - i'm far from healed, but I think I hit the 6 month mark already. Month 5 has brought "significant relief". It's significant relief to me, anyway, so I'm forced to believe the magical 6 month mark is already happening, God willing. Listed below are all of my symptoms and my progress with them.

 

severe jaw clenching - clenched completely for a few weeks, cracked and moved for another few months. Now stopped and healing.

Body zaps/brain zaps - Started out all over my body often throughout the day. Now it's no more than an annoyance upon waking up. I've even had some days without, only recently.

Random exhaustion - I still get this, but it's lessened in severity.

Guys - Libido issues - stabilized

DR/DP - this has improved greatly. Still present, but random spurts are manageable, and not nearly as severe.

Extreme fear and paranoia - this is all tied in with high anxiety. This is now manageable. Definitely calmed down a lot compared to the beginning. Not everything is "evil" anymore. (sometimes, but now I can laugh and ignore, and it passes)

Intrusive thoughts - again, high anxiety. It's lessening and slowing. This one is gradual. Looking back, I've experienced definite relief with this. But, it still occurs a bit.

Dry mouth - gone

Nausea - gone

Headaches - gone

Cognition - enjoyable windows of relief. This one is a work-in-progress

Memory Issues I think I'll always feel like, "Where the HELL did those 3.5 years go? I feel like it was all a dream," and that's how benzos are supposed to make anyone feel lol (see, I can laugh now) As far as in the moment memory, much better. Still improving, but much better.

Focusing - again, this one is gradual. I feel like all mental issues are. I can focus a lot more now, though. Definitely improved.

Hyper excitability This is high anxiety, too. This has calmed slowly right along with overall anxiety

Sinus pressures 90% gone

Mush for brains - I'll never forget the feeling of literally having pudding in my skull for brains. That seems to really have gone away by about 90%.

RLS - gone

Akathisia - manageable flare ups. No where close to what it was.

Ears - I really took a beating.

My sound sensitivity now THIS BITCH is really slapping me around.  it's so bad during waves, I can't even talk or my ear drums retract. It was constant for about a month and thankfully has shown improvement. I've even gone some days without it at all. Pressure - This really only flares up very temporarily now. Popping - quite random and I'm used to it now. Fullness - Also random and not bothersome. Tinnitus - went from an orchestra to a quiet hissing.

Reading - This is another one really took a beating and scared me. I have to believe it's either tied to cognition or just sometimes I felt my brain was going too fast (anxiety) to process. Nevertheless, I've fought through and continued reading. It's about 75%.

Vision - this is one that hasn't improved a whole lot. Maybe like 10-20% Visual snow, random dots.

 

Healing, healing, healing.  I hope this provided some relief. Remember something Challis once told me --

 

Acceptance is key.

Humor helps.

Time heals.

 

 

 

[[il...]]

So confused on all the different threads. I think I found my December club. I'm doing so so. I think I feel a wave coming on. I'm 4 months today. Anyone wake up freezing? It's been pretty common since I've tapered, just never seen anyone post about it. Hope all is well.

 

Hockey, just some insight. I was having a horrible 3rd and 4th month. Then I looked back and reread a lot of posts that said they are, often times, the worst. As soon as I hit 4 months, and entered my 5th, I really could tell significant improvement. Today marks 3rd day in this window of 75/80% which is a lot for me. Hang in, bud.

[[...]]

So confused on all the different threads. I think I found my December club. I'm doing so so. I think I feel a wave coming on. I'm 4 months today. Anyone wake up freezing? It's been pretty common since I've tapered, just never seen anyone post about it. Hope all is well.

 

Hockey, just some insight. I was having a horrible 3rd and 4th month. Then I looked back and reread a lot of posts that said they are, often times, the worst. As soon as I hit 4 months, and entered my 5th, I really could tell significant improvement. Today marks 3rd day in this window of 75/80% which is a lot for me. Hang in, bud.

 

Hey, I'llneverdothisagain, you wrote that month 3 and 4 were horrific-perhaps as "bad" as acute. However according to your sig it says you are only 1 week into your 4th month. You also write that your baseline has improved much and a lot of things are better. I don't understand. Is it horrid like acute at them moment or are you much improved? Thanks a lot. 

[[il...]]

Hi, Gia. I'm at 4 months, 1 week and some days. That means I'm *in* my 5th month. And really the last week of my 4th wasn't as bad as the rest. So, when I was at 2 months and IN my 3rd and at 3 months and IN my 4th, it was really bad.

 

Currently I feel much improved compared to the beginning of all of this. It's either a nice window or I think I am blessed enough to be feeling what most do at 6 months.

[[pe...]]

Hey all!

 

Illnever or Steve, glad the book is coming along.  I have a question though, re: your longer post, why did friends say stay off this site.  Just wondering.  I am not of the digital generation, so this whole thing is new and a bit odd for me.  Why not use a resource like this?  Bad or not credible information?  Or the material here might tend to bring a person down?  As ang says, some of the threads here could scare the crap out of a person, but on balance, also as ang says, the site does offer some communication with persons enduring parallel experiences.  And that seems to me good.

 

Hey, Hockeylife, yes, this is the old December group.  Good to hear from you.  I am still having a rough time, but some folks seem to be turning a corner.

 

Haven't heard from bjeste in a while.

 

Hope all have a restorative weekend.

 

I am not going to mess with that light switch.

[[bj...]]

Hey, all!

- and thanks for asking, pensioner.

I've had two days filled with depression, and only depression. I'm  disappointed, because this state of mind has not been in the front row this year. I've been longing for the different withdrawal pains to go away, and when it does, depression comes.

 

But: My wife persuaded me to go out to buy an outdoor fence for our dog. I bought poles, hammered them down and tied up the fence with thin steel wire.

This saved my day from being much worse.

I know that activity is alpha and omega, but at the same time it is very difficult for me to start doing things when I don't want to do anything. Just feel pity for myself. I know this is a hopeless attitude. I have to work with this thing.

 

[[an...]]

Proud of you Bjesti. We will get through!

 

Pensioner1: my therapist told me to stay off. Basically because at a certain point, reading and writing about symptoms can make us more obsessive about them. Focusing on the negative instead of positive right now can also be harmful. I'm not ready to let go of the forum, but especially not this thread because you guys are a great group of people and we are all getting through this one day at a time... Together. It's just that we need to be careful with what we let into ourselves ya know. Like some people don't take supplements and don't eat certain foods, well I can't read some sections / users here because they rev up my symptoms. It is the same at home. I can't handle a lot of stress or watch scary things on tv. So I'm just careful. Practicing at getting better at that.

 

I'm forcing myself to go socialize today with an old friend who is having a house warming party. I probably won't stay long. She came off a high dose of Xanax about 8 years ago and has been healed for a long time. We don't talk much but when we do she assures me that I have the same wd symptoms she did and that it will all get better.

 

Hang onto hope today and always!

 

[[Be...]]

Ang,

 

Good for your friend coming off Xanax and getting better! Some BB started a thread asking if they knew anyone in "real life" that was on benzos, is off, and is better. That is a fairly current post. Would you mind adding your friend to that post? And if i find it, I will post a link here.

 

Taking time off from BB can be helpful, or to focus only on certain threads. Everything in balance...

 

Best, Bennie

[[kr...]]

Hi guys..I agree..I started reading and went on obsess mode lookin up more stuff. I have a problem w wanting to do things perfect and not miss anything so it's amplified I guess now.

Sorry if I am gone at times on break from b or when I'm freakin out and not being supportive as u all are helpful and nice to me

[[an...]]

Might be a ....TRIGGER... not really sure...

 

 

Last night I had scary thoughts about knives again. They are so loud and repetitive they scare the crap out of me. I woke up with a fear hangover again and tried and tried to push through. By the time I got in the car to go to that friends house, I had panic / anxiety the entire way. Then the thoughts about having a seizure/ stroke kept coming back over and over and over. I felt jerky, uncoordinated and just full of fear by the time I got to her house.

 

Then when I walked in and told her how I was feeling she said another guy there had come off Xanax and felt the same way! So I took him into the kitchen and asked him if he had these super scary thoughts too. He said, "oh yes, every single day." He said he would visualize scary scenarios just like I do. Then he gave me a hug and told me to stay positive because that really helps! I asked him how long did it take before he finally started feeling better and he said a good 6 months before he felt a lot better. My friend always told me it took her about a year. I find it so disturbing that 3 of us in the same house that just met maybe last year all are having / had this same experience!!! Terrible!

 

So anyhow, I managed to calm down a little bit, not that much, but made myself stay 1 hour. I just got home. I'm going to do Yoga right this second and then try to eat something. Eating gets really hard for me when I feel like this.

 

Do you guys get scary thoughts too? 

[[Be...]]

Ang,

 

My scariest intrusive thoughts came shortly after jumping. And scary images when I'd close my eyes to go to sleep. I refuse to believe the content, as odd or scary as it may be. I deep breathe, say my mantra, meditate. It helps.

 

I think it's good you talked to your friends about these intrusive thoughts. Sure is good to know you are experiencing a common enough symptom, and you have support.

 

Bennie

[[il...]]

They lesson and slow, I promise. They're certainly scary, though, aren't they? People's heads explode, turn into monsters. It's embarrassing and I'd never admit it other than here. You're not alone, Ang. Praying for you. So glad you made those connections!

[[pe...]]

Good morning all (at least it is still morning where I live)

 

bjeste  Funny I have the same pattern.  My more dramatic symptoms subside (for example bad insomnia), I start sleeping better, and then--wham!--depression or deep fatigue comes in the open window.  This is really frustrating.  It's as if the symptoms trade places so that they can double team you. Today I am feeling that frustration.

 

Thanks, ang1111, for your reflections on using this site.  Yes, I think with all that is here that one could get obsessed with culling through the material, and wondering, as I think kris1967 is wondering, if one is doing all one could do with diet and supplements to help one's condition.  Those posts worry me a bit.  I wonder should I be cutting out this or that.  And that's no good.  I don't need anything more to worry about.  Who said it:  Everything in moderation.  I believe this is what Benniejets is suggesting.  I think Aristotle said the moderation thing.  So I conclude each person needs to find his or her unique and healthful relation to the site.

 

Oh, speaking of which (relations to site), I wonder where I founder EricSS has gone.

 

Best to all!

 

[[Er...]]

Sorry all. I've been reading up but not posting this weekend.

 

Ang I definitely get revved up occasionally when I read some threads on this board but not this one.  I would do what you feel you need to do. Maybe only check this thread for support.

 

I've had a pretty good weekend. In fact, I was out with my wife and some friends until 2am last night at a restaurant/club. I definitely didn't drink or anything but I felt pretty good and have had not seemed to have any food sensitivity. I really do feel like I've gotten over the worst hills. I'm fully expecting to still have some hopefully short bad waves but for now I'm probably on average 80%-85% of baseline. Cog fog, tinnitus, muscle ticks are still my main symptoms. The health anxiety which had by far been my worst symptom has subsided drastically as have the perceived grip weakness, pins/needles, and the 4am surges have not happened in at least a week.

 

I really feel like I'm well on my way now but I'm not going anywhere! Good luck to all!!

[[an...]]

EricSS- proud of you for having hope. It's palpable in your message! Glad you are feeling better.

 

I believe I'm just having a rough couple of days.

 

I don't think foods rev me up either. The only thing I've noticed is that if I eat a chocolate chip cookie from Panera, I have a slightly elevated heart rate. Probably all the sugar. The same thing happens when I eat the gluten free choc chip cookies from Trader Joe's. I've only done this 3 times total since ct and it happened all 3 times. But not anxiety just faster heart rate. So weird.

 

Happy Sunday everyone! Happy Healing to all of us. I imagine that in a few months, I will reread what I wrote and laugh at how ridiculous I was for believing any benzo thoughts. I can't wait for that!

 

[[il...]]

Hi guys. Just checking in. Going to read and catch up. I hate this nervous pit. Nowhere as intense as the outrageous constant anxiety attacks I had that let up, but man, this is tough.

 

I hate naps. I just woke up from one and my vision was a joke, it was like all swirly. (Hard to explain) and I was so confused when waking up.

[[Be...]]

Illnever,

"toxic naps" are never fun. 

Hope you have a better night!

 

Me, just trying to keep my blood sugar stable!

Bennie

[[Be...]]

Hi All

I hope you are all doing well. I'm not. I keep gaining new sounds to my tinnitus. Now my right ear has very pissed off kettle sound. And I can also feel my head vibrating. I'm still in my 3rd month from c/t but keep getting worse. Is it normal? Or can I blame this on Remeron which I am currently taking?

[[il...]]

Illnever,

"toxic naps" are never fun. 

Hope you have a better night!

 

Me, just trying to keep my blood sugar stable!

Bennie

 

They aren't, Bennie. I feel like it's tied in with my perception of time that's still out of whack. Everything while on benzos seems so long ago, yet I also feel like everything is going so slowly. I hope toxic naps are also something that goes away. I hope your blood sugar stabilizes.

 

Beste --

 

Unfortunately medication can be a culprit of tinnitus. I'm not positive about Remeron but most psych meds are "ototoxic". Try waiting a few months to see if there's improvement before making any changes, though.

[[il...]]

I think all the time. I can't shut my brain off. It's like I'm watching a movie and I'm thinking about things that happened 5 years ago. I'm thinking about people who aren't even in my life. It's like the LAST thing I think of is to stay in the moment. Social media doesn't help. I remember being like this before benzos. Not this bad, though.

[[an...]]

Beste and illnever-- DISTRACTION, DISTRACTION, DISTRACTION. It's the only thing I can tell you. I know easier said that done. But as we all know we get ups and downs in withdrawal and we just have to hold on tight and ride this rollercoaster to the end. WE WILL ALL HEAL, I promise. We just don't know when.

 

[[il...]]

Thanks Ang

 

Prayers for all

[[il...]]

Guys want a good laugh? I'm a 32-year old man, and currently horrified to be alone. I'm at my parents house in a very normal, middle class neighborhood far away from anything in the suburbs. And I lay here horrified, with intrusive horrible thoughts and "the pit" in my stomach haunting me. Off to pray! Blessings!

[[an...]]

So sorry you're feeling like this! I was there last night and the night before. I prayed A LOT and listened to meditations over and over and over.

 

We will get through this!!!