The December 2015-February 2016 Jump Club

[[il...]]

No, Kris, it's not somewhere in Matt Samet's piece. Not that I've read because I've Youtubed a lot so far. I'm sure it is somewhere in his book how long it took him to heal. But, I can assure you of it. I've already experienced "significant relief" and now believe, 100% without a doubt, we are healing. You know, compared to before where I just spit out advice and clung onto all hope in my being. Now I know, because I have made significant progress and you will, too! Everyone will!

 

Humor helps.

Acceptance is key.

Time heals.

 

As per the sex, just go for it. Lol your bf needs it and it really does help.

[[an...]]

At least you have a BF!! I'm here by myself 

 

Kris- no supps just good food and lots of water and sunshine.

 

Insomnia yes every night. It takes me 2 -3 hours to fall asleep most nights, I wake up at every little noise and barely ever feel refreshed in the morning. Often I fall back asleep after listening to a meditation on YouTube. Sometimes that happens 4 or 5 times in the same night. But I'm not going to fight it I just let my body it do what it needs to do and I'm lucky I have night school so I don't have anywhere to be early in the morning usually.

 

I can't tell by your signature but when did you come off and at what dose? It's unclear.

[[il...]]

I'm alone too, Ang! It sucks!! Lol!

 

Ang I have to tell you, your progress reminds me a lot of the end of my 4th month, beginning of 5th. Aside from crying when my sister left, it really does continue on that path with only very minor set backs. And even my crying - it was a normal emotion to feel sad my sister was leaving, just amplified because of how we all are. I hope this helps. I really feel you're about to turn a corner!

[[an...]]

God I hope so, today was a little high anxiety but nothing like 2 weeks ago even. I still managed to get out and had coffee with 3 other veterans at a coffee shop. (I drank decaf chamomille tea) I had some scary thoughts while there for about 90 minutes total but managed to stay seated and not leave or freak out.

 

I'm too afraid to say "I've turned a corner" yet because I'm worried I am too hopeful and afraid tomorrow will be worse or something! Part of me can't believe I am feeling this good so early, but I know I still have quite a bit of healing to go. My eye sight is horrible. Double vision now as I look at my keyboard on my lap. It's been here all day but like you I think I must just be getting used to it because there's absolutely nothing I can do about it but wait it out!

 

I am still pretty tired too, head and eye pressure, still weird thoughts about getting sick or sent to hospital and being drugged up again. But they are WAY less intense than a month ago. 

 

If I don't do yoga or drink water, I feel worse, so I know these things are helping me a lot.

[[kr...]]

wow ang that second paragraph - i have had all those same exact thoughts!

I am alone all winter bf back May

I was on .5 for year and half, 6 mo off, didnt knw why i was ill, back on for year starting at 1.5 and down to crumb of wafer which is .125. quit mid Jan. only the fist 5 moonths did i have any theraputic value. think i slowly got tolerant. others said i wss different. I didnt notice for so long. insidious sneaky drug. the tranzene from yrs ago shouted loud and clear that i couldnt take it anymore

Sounds like you dont have the muscle pain n weakness? i can deal with both insomnia and muscle pain but not both at once!

so awesome you are in school! I dont feel confident enough i want to get my personal training cert back

[[il...]]

Ang - my personal opinion? I think that kind of stuff will take a bit longer to heal. I think, how I envision it anyway, is that the anxiety goes away which allows us to function normally, and then cognitive things like understanding, vision/perceptual items, they just take time. That all sounds normal re: symptoms. I'm still scared, too, but I'm learning to trust the path because it's exactly like my friend told me, NOT like horror stories on here. (Better and better and better and better, slowly) can you imagine how we are going to do in a month or two?

[[an...]]

I like that mantra- better and better and better.

 

Yes Kris I do have muscle/ nerve pain and insomnia. It's all in our attitudes. I go to the chiropractor twice a week for him to help me with it. I have left shoulder pain, right leg weakness and sciatica and plantar fasciatis. I am doing what I can in Yoga. I am not the type of person to lay in bed all day, it's just not in me.

 

I started getting BAD back pain in September- still on benzos- it was so bad I could barely walk. I got a cortisone shot in October and it helped maybe 10%. They gave me 30 tylenol 3's and it took me 60 days to take all of them but it was like they didn't even work! I sat for hours in tears and gained a lot of weight because I was so depressed. Well now that I'm in this forum I am wondering if this wasn't my first tolerance symptom. I keep remembering the doctor saying that on the MRI it showed "mild disc bulge" but it didn't account for how severe my pain and symptoms were. Now I think I know why! So basically I've been in PT since Sept and then kept going to chiro since January. The pain is much better but it's definitely still there.

 

Physical pain I can deal with, mental NOT SO MUCH!

The scary thoughts and anxiety are my main symptoms and most disturbing ones for me personally. As they continue to ease up, I am so grateful for that!

[[kr...]]

Same for me...if i had anxiety id jog or hit the weights. that was my outlet. I could still exercise w some pain just dont give me the mental anguish!

 

think i slept 6 hrs. but less pain! an old friend tryin to quit drinkin called me at 1am and i couldnt handle it. wound me up. went to bed at 2. twitchin in bed. but today feels good. Tryin to stay in the vortex! listen to abraham hicks about that. its focusing on what you want. sounds basic but i like listening to her

[[bj...]]

Hey!

I just learned a new word, from you Kris: Mental anguish.

Today I  woke up in new depression. As I said yesterday, I have to do something during the days. I went to the gym and paid for a year. I have never been there  before, but my neighbour goes there..., and it is in my neighbourhood.

I came home, packed my gym bag, and got stuck in my house, shivering in mental anguish. No chance to go there alone...

But step one is taken. I really hope that this day is a bad wave, my worst so far, and that a new window will prove this. I'm scared to death if this is what's coming when my "old" syndrome  goes away. It has been tough enough before. Very tough.

Depression is, if possible, worse than all the other stuff I've gone through.

Please, let it be part of healing!!!!!

My BenzoBuddies: Give me some hope!

[[kr...]]

Ang you probably were in tolerance wd...klon snuck up on me gradually and insidiously in hindsight i see it now like 6 mo into starting it. it was irritability anger fatigue muscle tension anxiety

bjesti even if you go to the gym and do just a few little things  you create a healthy habit. its all i could do sometimes, walk 15min on treadmill, use the foam roller,chat w the girls workin. it just somehow made me feel more normal and got out of the house

 

I notice new sx replacing old. feet on fire, muscle jerks, and still insomnia but some nights ok. last night 6 hrs, dreading i would feel like crap today and i actually felt really good. mild anxiety when i was getting ready to go to pt. My mind was shart and i had energy but calm focused. very little pain. I didnt overdue anything as to keep my alarm system from going off from feeling too good! (its happened) Gotta  wind down and hope I keep this groove on tomorrow!

have a good night all

[[an...]]

Bjesti

 

So proud of you!!! If you can only walk to the front door of the gym tomorrow try that! So proud of you. I think if we all replace our anxiety with exercise and positive thinking we will be healed faster than most. It's too good for us to not try it.

 

 

[[il...]]

Hi, everyone!

 

Here are some more success stories! There's even one about someone who's healed after 15 mgs a Xanax a day for many years. (That's .... A ridiculously high amount. Ridiculously high. The equivalent of 300 mgs of diazepam. But, I believe it. Xanax is so short acting, and tolerance happens quickly)

 

http://www.recovery-road.org/success-stories

 

Remember - don't get too hung up on timelines. Everyone I've talked to assured 6 - 9 months, maybe some lurking symtpoms up to a year. Recovery Road is another great resource, but, as always, grain of salt

 

Happy healing, everyone!!

 

 

[[bj...]]

Hello!

Today I am really proud of myself. I woke up, felt a window ajar, decided to go to the gym, and did it.

I was by myself there, using the treadmill, but I stayed for 30 minutes. Had a shower, and talked to the guy in the reception. Tomorrow I will join a group training session, first stationary bike, then strength training. Then a little social talk will take place. We all know that only staying inside in ones house is a killing occupation. We will go back to life again!

 

And pensioner1,

please tell us how you are doing.

Yesterday was my worst day ever, but today, much better. So this is really swinging up and down...

[[4m...]]

This Thursday will mark 4 months off Ativan for me.  I am praying the posts I've read of others making huge improvements during their 5th month hold true for me as well.  The dizziness (rocking boat), headaches, cloudy thinking and weakness make it difficult to make it to work each day.... however I have.  I am blessed to have a supportive employer.  It is difficult not to get discouraged.

[[pe...]]

Hi all:

 

Thanks ang and bjeste for encouraging me to express my feelings and not isolate myself.

 

I don't think my symptoms are getting worse; rather the whole process has become wearing.

 

I do believe that I  am healing, but I am also aware that, at 70, I am aging.

 

The anxieties built into the healing process (along with chemical anxiety) seem to overlap and interact synergistically with the anxieties that go along with aging.

 

So I am a great ball of anxiety especially in the morning hours.  An ache in the shoulder?  Well that could be withdrawal or that could be a sign that I will have to have another surgery on my deteriorating shoulder.

 

I think the scariest thing I have to say, really, is that I am scared.  I don't know when I will get off this wheel, and I know additionally that I didn't get on it in the first place for no reason.  Twenty years of psychotherapy plus benzos--so what if my baseline turns out to be the return of my old anxiety; the anxiety that got me on this wheel in the first place.

 

Oh, I want to make a strong pitch for exercise.  I exercise daily for an hour and a half.  It clears my head.  It gets me through my day.  What did Nike say, JUST DO IT!

 

Now...oh Lord...I have to drive for 20 minutes to get my teeth cleaned.  I am long of tooth (gingivitis).  Remember to brush (get an electric) and floss regularly!

 

Have the best possible day all.

[[bj...]]

Hi, pensioner!

Your sentence:

, ...so what if my baseline turns out to be the return of my old anxiety; the anxiety that got me on this wheel in the first place.

I don't think so.

I also had a couple of short periods earlier in life feeling depressed. The last thirty years I've been fine. My benzos should not have been given to me in the first time. I used them for fifteen years after a surgery...

I believe that all of us change a little bit every year, and that "old" problems disappear while living. I believe that has happened to me. We have to believe it is the same with you. 

[[Er...]]

Hello all.  It sounds like some of you are making great progress.  I'm sorry I missed out on a lot of the discussion over the past 4-5 days.  I was on a weekend trip to the beach and had a very good time.  I didn't experience many w/d sxs but I did have another minor cold which hampered things a bit.  I did have one 4am surge and I haven't had one of those for about 3 weeks so that was a little disheartening.  Plus the fact that I'm not drinking and my wife and our friends are makes it not nearly as fun as it used to be.  Something I am still getting used to. 

 

I'm glad to hear that a few of you are able to get to the gym.  I find that the gym helps a lot also even if you just do some light lifting or walk on the treadmill.  I seem to have small waves a few hours after the gym but that's OK.  They are generally quick.  You will know if you overdue it and you can use that as a learning experience for the next time.  The endorphin release is good for you and worth it.

 

And speaking of endorphins, I missed the conversation about sex and the importance it plays.  I like how open we are with each other as it shows a level of trust.  My libido is not near where it should be for a mid-30's male right now.  My wife would definitely agree as she is in her mid-30's too and I'm sure most of you know that is generally a woman's peak.  She's a bit frustrated but I'm trying.  On a slightly different note, the good news for some of the buddies is that you don't need a partner to get the (IMHO) important endorphin release that comes along with sex.  There are other ways to go about it and I wouldn't let the lack of a partner hold you back.  For lots it helps them fall asleep.  Anything to help heal is good but I'm open to thoughts on this. I have heard both positive and negative thoughts on this.

 

4mylife  Stay strong!  It sounds like you have been able to work through this and you employer is supportive which is great. Have you found that you have shown some improvement at least in 4 months?

[[il...]]

This Thursday will mark 4 months off Ativan for me.  I am praying the posts I've read of others making huge improvements during their 5th month hold true for me as well.  The dizziness (rocking boat), headaches, cloudy thinking and weakness make it difficult to make it to work each day.... however I have.  I am blessed to have a supportive employer.  It is difficult not to get discouraged.

 

First, congratulations! 4 months is huge!

 

Of course these success stories will apply to you. I'm glad you found this thread. For me, hitting month 4 was the beginning of noticeable relief. 2 months before that were complete hell. It's gradual, but you'll get there!

[[an...]]

EricSS so great that you got to the beach!!!

 

yes yes yes to not needing a partner. That's all I'm gonna say 

 

Pernsioner1 I'm so glad you shared that with us. We are all having these fears too I promise you. While we might not be worrying about aging, I have my own set in dealing with. For me, I'm in a leadership position as a speaker and a volunteer with a national veterans organization. I am afraid I'll never be able to speak or help like I used to. That is going to be my career but as a social worker. I have many fears about finishing school and all kinds of stuff "future" orientated. Also fear about more surgeries for me too! But my therapist helped me with this very subject and I'm not very good at it yet but when I start thinking about "future" stuff--- I bring myself back and say in my head "that is not helpful thinking," or "that thought is does not make you strong" or "thinking thinking thinking" and then I bring myself back to TODAY.

 

when I am in today and what I can do today life feels much more manageable. I have less anxiety.

 

Bjesti wow wow wow you are giving me hope!! So proud of you. Also, yes I think we have all experienced more than our fair share of mental anguish the last several months.

[[4m...]]

Hello all.  It sounds like some of you are making great progress.  I'm sorry I missed out on a lot of the discussion over the past 4-5 days.  I was on a weekend trip to the beach and had a very good time.  I didn't experience many w/d sxs but I did have another minor cold which hampered things a bit.  I did have one 4am surge and I haven't had one of those for about 3 weeks so that was a little disheartening.  Plus the fact that I'm not drinking and my wife and our friends are makes it not nearly as fun as it used to be.  Something I am still getting used to. 

 

I'm glad to hear that a few of you are able to get to the gym.  I find that the gym helps a lot also even if you just do some light lifting or walk on the treadmill.  I seem to have small waves a few hours after the gym but that's OK.  They are generally quick.  You will know if you overdue it and you can use that as a learning experience for the next time.  The endorphin release is good for you and worth it.

 

And speaking of endorphins, I missed the conversation about sex and the importance it plays.  I like how open we are with each other as it shows a level of trust.  My libido is not near where it should be for a mid-30's male right now.  My wife would definitely agree as she is in her mid-30's too and I'm sure most of you know that is generally a woman's peak.  She's a bit frustrated but I'm trying.  On a slightly different note, the good news for some of the buddies is that you don't need a partner to get the (IMHO) important endorphin release that comes along with sex.  There are other ways to go about it and I wouldn't let the lack of a partner hold you back.  For lots it helps them fall asleep.  Anything to help heal is good but I'm open to thoughts on this. I have heard both positive and negative thoughts on this.

 

4mylife  Stay strong!  It sounds like you have been able to work through this and you employer is supportive which is great. Have you found that you have shown some improvement at least in 4 months?

 

I believe there has been some improvement although the swaying and head pressure is what I really want to have improve.  If I stand for any length of time I sway like I've been on a 24 hour binge.  I will be forever grateful when this passes.

 

I understand the lack of interest in sex.  Fortunately my husband has been very understanding in that area and I try to make sure that not to much time goes by between times.  It's hard on both of us really, this is an area we have always both enjoyed very much. 

 

I know I will heal and so will you - one day we will look back on this as a painful learning experience...

[[4m...]]

This Thursday will mark 4 months off Ativan for me.  I am praying the posts I've read of others making huge improvements during their 5th month hold true for me as well.  The dizziness (rocking boat), headaches, cloudy thinking and weakness make it difficult to make it to work each day.... however I have.  I am blessed to have a supportive employer.  It is difficult not to get discouraged.

 

First, congratulations! 4 months is huge!

 

Of course these success stories will apply to you. I'm glad you found this thread. For me, hitting month 4 was the beginning of noticeable relief. 2 months before that were complete hell. It's gradual, but you'll get there!

 

I am so grateful to have found this thread as well.  I am hopeful that hitting month 4 will be a turning point for me as well.  I do try to be patient and take a day at a time and keep pushing myself to do what I have to do each day.

 

I look forward to reading your updates, I feel like I'm right on your heals and for every good update from you I know it is something I will experience soon as well.

 

Keep on keeping on

[[Er...]]

I believe there has been some improvement although the swaying and head pressure is what I really want to have improve.  If I stand for any length of time I sway like I've been on a 24 hour binge.  I will be forever grateful when this passes.

 

Glad to hear that you have had at least SOME improvement.  I hope you continue to improve every day!  If you create a signature it will allow us to see what you were taking, the length of time, and the taper schedule to get an idea of how you got into the position you are in.  You can look at other peoples signatures to get an idea of what you want to put in you own.  Just a thought.  Good luck and glad you found us.

[[Er...]]

For me, I'm in a leadership position as a speaker and a volunteer with a national veterans organization. I am afraid I'll never be able to speak or help like I used to. That is going to be my career but as a social worker.

 

 

Wow,  It's great that you have chosen such a rewarding job as a volunteer and as your career path.  You'll eventually be able to get to where you used to be.  I guarantee it!  You've already made such great progress in a short amount of time (relatively speaking).

 

I have many fears about finishing school and all kinds of stuff "future" orientated. Also fear about more surgeries for me too! But my therapist helped me with this very subject and I'm not very good at it yet but when I start thinking about "future" stuff--- I bring myself back and say in my head "that is not helpful thinking," or "that thought is does not make you strong" or "thinking thinking thinking" and then I bring myself back to TODAY.

 

when I am in today and what I can do today life feels much more manageable. I have less anxiety.

 

 

Fear of the future is so hard to get past and I like your way of thinking!  My biggest future "fear" is wondering if I'll ever be able to drink again. It sounds so small and  petty, but it's important to me to have an answer which I don't and won't for a while.  Alcohol was an important part of my life.  And I don't mean it in a way that an alcoholic might mean it in.  I very much enjoy going out on the weekends and drinking with friends.  Going out and not having any alcohol is not nearly as fun.  It's a part of my identity and my place in my group so for now without alcohol I am a completely different person when we go out and I'm still trying to figure out who this person is.  I am fun when I drink.  I am not the lush, the angry drunk, the emotional drunk, the abusive drunk, or the DUI getter.  I'm the joker and clown, but not the annoying one.  Also, I really enjoy pairing a nice wine or beer with food.  It's been one of my hobbies for as long as I've been legal to drink.  I have over 800 bottles on my garage walls from my travels all over the world of beers that I have tried.  I have a wine fridge with a great assortment of wines that I have yet to try and some of my favorites.    And some that are important that my wife and I were saving for special occasions.

 

Before this whole benzo issue started, I recognized that I was drinking a little more than I should.  A bottle of wine most nights but not A LOT and never during the morning or day when working.  It never affected my career or relationship.  I made a conscious decision to stop drinking for a while just because I wanted to which was no problem because I never felt like I had to drink.  I just enjoyed it.  I've had recent blood tests and my liver enzymes and kidney function are all fine so there wan't any damage done.  So a week after I quit I had a panic attack and went to the ER because I didn't know what was wrong and I never had a panic attack before.  Now I realize it was probably from stopping drinking and If I would have just let it pass I would have been fine and could have started drinking again in a few months when I wanted to.  At the ER they gave me a shot of Valium and an rx for Ativan for anxiety.  My PCP switched me from Ativan to 20mg of Valium.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  My already compromised GABA receptors rebelled against the benzos and I suffered w/d symptoms after less than 2 weeks of use when I decided to stop.  You can see in my sig my couple of failed attempts to stop.

 

So, now I worry if I'll ever be able to drink again and be my old fun self.  I'm not worried at all about eventually getting back to 100% of my pre-taper self when sober.  I know I'll get there!  But will I ever be able to party with my wife and friends again or will I be the boring one in the group?  Not that people that don't drink are boring.  It's just that i'm more boring when I don't drink.  Probably because I'm sitting their worrying about the future. Will I be able to enjoy a nice cab with a steak, or a nice chianti with a pasta dish?  That's what I worry about.  If I was in my 60's it might not worry me so much. But at 37, I feel like I have so many fun years still ahead of me to enjoy moderate amounts of alcohol.  I have no desire to EVER drink just to drink again.  That ship has sailed.  But I do want at least the option to drink when the occasion calls for it.

 

Thanks all for listening and sorry for the long post.

[[bj...]]

Eric,

I read your post with great interest. i also have enjoyed wine for almost all occasions my whole life. I'm 63 now.

In a week we are going to a party, and I'll be the driver. If I can go. It depends on if I'm in a window or not.

This is a sad situation, but of course it is better not to drink than delay healing. I've also had a couple of glasses in the evening at home. I miss it, but I don't dare to even think of it. It scares me.

Cheers for the future. We look forward to it!!! 

 

 

[[il...]]

Eric forgive me for only being able to skim through your post - at my aunt's house now.

 

I'm not sure if anyone is aware but I'm certain my post acute withdrawal was only as bad as it has been *because* I drank. I drank one night, heavily, not having the slightest idea behind what it did and how/why it affected a brain healing from benzos.

 

Anyway, what I've learned is that we absolutely will be able to drink again, but that is, unfortunately, far out. I'm personally waiting a year, maybe longer. Depends how I feel then. Once our receptors heal, it can handle alcohol. It may take longer, and I'm fully prepared to wait to avoid this hell. HOWEVER, I completely understand your concern. It's like not only are we recovering from benzos, we can't touch alcohol either. I was a social drinker, the life of the party, all of my life. We'll get that back, too.

 

Pensioner - I'm so sorry to read your suffering. At whatever age, we ALL heal! I promise you that! Prayers for relief!