The December 2015-February 2016 Jump Club

[[il...]]

Hi Ang!

 

Prayers for Jojo. Sorry you had such a scare. I'm sure he means the world to you. This too shall pass.

 

Stay strong and hang in. I'm glad to hear you're listening to your body. I drove today - 45 mins away round trip, and it wasn't horrible. It wasn't fun, but it could've been a lot worse. I'm glad you experienced a window. Enjoy it and don't fear the return. It really does get better and better. Keep listening to your body.

 

Prayers for everyone.

 

 

[[Er...]]

Thought i would check in!

I had to get myself outta the house and off the computer so i ate little more and went to the woods. first half of walk got tired and sat down but rest of walk opened a little window. head cleared and pain down.  i stretched a ton at the car and i wonder if it was coincidence or mind over matter?  alot of my anxiety comes from the pain. also took boswelia and tumeric and advil

 

seems ang n eric you guys workout a lot - when did  that come back for you or did you just never stop? I stopped alltogether

 

Ang - incredible that you even did crossfit ! awesome. i miss that pump from the gym

Eric - i hope my taper was good enough to get me through easier or smoother.

bjesti - so you are having sx on your 5th month?

i get a massage and see dr tomorrow. i hope that psunami is gone for good tomorrow. (maybe i exacerbated some of it?!) dont we get fewer/less intense waves?

 

I used to work out a lot. Since my taper started though, not so much.  I'm slowly getting back into it. I'm 6'1" 215lbs. but my body composition is nothing like it was a year ago.  For a while there last year I ate a lot of oatmeal and fruit because it was about all I felt like I could keep down so my protein intake fell quite a bit.  Now I'm trying to eat more protein and get back into the gym more often.  I'm starting slow because the few times I've tried to hit it harder (like doing dead lifts) I've had a minor wave that night.  Just listen to your body.  I do strongly believe that moving around is helpful though for nerve growth and brain function.  Good luck!

[[an...]]

Everyone is so quiet. I hope that means everyone had windows or at least a lessening of symptoms. I did have a little of both the last 2 days.

 

Hockeylife how are you dude?

 

Bjesti, illnever, whenwillthisend, pensioner1?

 

ROLL CALL TROOPS 

[[il...]]

Ma'am yes ma'am! 😜

 

My symptoms are really lowering. To the point where I no longer freak out (most of the time). And a personal note, Ang (and for everyone else wondering) -- I really do think this is linear. Again, technically not I guess because of waves but it does get better and better and better... I have to imagine those who have horrible waves far out are drinking or something. I still pray for them, but I have to assume that. Hope that provides some hope for others!

 

I can tell my body is learning how to feel again. It's a wonderful thing. Anything that may be a touch funny, I absolutely crack up at. Anything that may be a bit sad, I cry at. (Like the other night when my sister packed to leave after her visit,) lol I just sad it -- I'm a man and I cried.

 

Glad you're experiencing a few good days!

[[bj...]]

Ang, and all of you.

Here I am!

Yesterday I had a depression. When I woke up today, at seven, it was still there. At 08:35. it suddenly disappeared. I just sat at the kitchen table for two hours feeling how life could be again. No doubt that the GABAa receptors are healing. But I know that this will not last. It is now two o'clock pm. But every time a window opens I know that I am one step nearer healing.

and  illnever:  I'm looking forward to feel like you! Better. 

[[pe...]]

Hi all:

 

I think EricSS once said he tends to visit this site less when he is feeling better.  I oddly tend to visit less if I start feeling worse.

 

I don't know why.  But I have been feeling worse.  Four out of the last five nights were really insomniac.  Last night I woke at four and couldn't get back to sleep.  Every time I thought I was relaxing a musical phrase from THead's "Take me to the River" kept popping into my head.  At first I couldn't place it.  And that bugged me for a couple of hours.  I thought maybe if I could place it it would stop.  But it didn't.

 

It's the opening chords:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ar2VHW1i2w

 

Anybody here like Prince.  I liked what I heard but I didn't hear much.  Must be a generational thing.

 

ang, hope Jojo is better, and have you seen your new therapist again?

 

bejeste, good to hear you have good moments when depression just seems to evaporate.

 

illnever nothing at all wrong with crying.  I wish I could but my wonderful father (sarcastic) beat that out of me.  Crying is good.

 

And, hey, where is that Hockeylife?

[[an...]]

Bjesti- yes I know we are healing! Slowly but surely we will have life back! I can't wait!

 

Pensionier1- I can understand visiting less when you feel worse too. I do that as well, sometimes visiting will make me feel worse by reading scary stuff.

 

illneverdothisagain cry it out!

 

Yes I saw the new therapist for Visit 2 and it was really great. We did something called "resourcing" which means when you are worried, scared or panicking, you can purposely think of things that make you feel good. The way she taught me took almost the whole hour and it was so refreshing to be forced to think of positive things for a full hour! Because you all know how terrible our thinking can be ALL DAY! So after we did this, I've been thinking of those positive things throughout the day and it's been helping me.

 

2 1/2 weeks of college semester left for me and then I have 3 full weeks off. I'm a little nervous to have all that free time with nothing to focus on but I will come up with a plan! Too much sitting for me is not good. Off to read 50 pages of journal articles! This has been a weekly practice this entire semester. Have to challenge the brain to almost remind it how it used to work! This week's readings are on Mental illness in America and addiction of all things! Triggering. Medical Anthropology. I will let you know what I learn.

 

 

[[il...]]

Hi all. Just hopping on to check in.

 

I feel so blessed to be getting better. I can say that from confidence and from experience now, not simply from advice and coaching from others ahead of us. I feel confident that it really will continue to become less and less and less and less like I've been told. That's actually why I've been staying off -- I don't want to read horror stories because I think we all have to consider all possible contributing factors to why people may be suffering so far out. The people I talk to off here have confirmed so many times it just keeps getting better as long as we don't touch benzos or alcohol while we're healing. So keep on keeping on!

 

Ang - so happy you're experiencing good therapy. Please keep sharing!

 

Everyone else - I haven't caught up on posts and I feel like I'm barely on anymore so I have to catch up! I hope you're all well.

 

Remember - every day is a day closer to freedom! Month 5 has truly been amazing. I'm not healed, but the light at the end of the tunnel has never been brighter. I can't wait to see how we all feel when we hit the magical 6-month mark.

[[Er...]]

Hello everyone. Sorry I haven't been on in a couple of days. I'm on a trip with my wife and some friends and don't have much time. The good news is I'm able to be on this trip with only a couple of small symptoms. The bad news is I have another small cold! Cold season has been brutal this season for me and I rarely get sick so I'm wondering if the lowered ability for the body to fight off these things is a sxs. I've had a couple of blood tests in the past 6 months (and a routine one 3 weeks ago) and my blood counts are all fine.

 

I'm glad to hear that most of you seem to be having more Windows and that therapy is working for you ang. Good luck the last few weeks of your semester! 3 weeks off will be a nice break.

 

I plan on laying by the beach the next few days and just reflecting on how good life can be, how it was, and how it will be again in the future. 

[[kr...]]

Hi guys I have been messaging with others as i had a bad day yesterday . I also dont like to read posts other than mssg when im feeling bad i dont want to read bad stuff when im looking for answers or encouragement.

 

illneverdothisagain - hope you are right about 6 monthI hope we all see each other improve next month! was told 3rd mo is worst . I think most of you are slightly ahead of me..how was your first second third mo? and now? curios

 

I slept last night and tried to stay on positive side had phone call w bf about plans and staying positive. I ate breakfast and lunch did yoga stretches and did an hr weeding which left me feeling wiped out, foggy, and kinda wirey. so i laid down on my back for a few mins. Still feel tired but more bummed that i m not getting to everything i planned on. I dont want to google it, but do ya ever wonder if you have cfs? or fibro?

 

Ang - i am afraid of therapy cause i overthink and ill think myself right into thinkin things that arent true and the therapist will have a field day! I know what some of my problems are and workin on it but maybe therapy later i dont know. anyone else goin?

 

btw, i had a massage thur and dr appt. i was anxious. fri i woke to early in panic and was flu like. from the massage? i settled down at night and slept 8hrs. trying to ignore the "what ifs" all day

[[Er...]]

kris sorry you had a rough time! Massages make me slightly I'll after them also. I get nauseous. I think it's because massage releases toxins find your muscle. I hope tomorrow is better for you!

[[an...]]

EricSS-  So awesome you are on a trip! I want to go on one soon too when I am just a little bit better!

 

Guys, serious question... What does it mean if I've felt about 80% the last few days in a row. This is the 2nd time this has happened in 2 weeks. The wave parts aren't even that bad really, just increased anxiety of the 80% state and I just wait them out or distract myself and then they go.

 

Are you guys feeling like this too and this is why you aren't around as much either?

[[il...]]

Ang it means you're on your way! My windows lurk at about 80-sometimes 90 percent. Even the waves in between are not horrific anymore. I really, really think we're close. i don't come on nearly as much as before because I'm so much better. Am I healed? No. But it's a lot better and without the "new symptoms" that supposedly come in place of old symptoms. I don't want to discredit others, but I really think it just gets better and better and better.

[[an...]]

illneverdothisagain- / Steve- I have only had 1 new'ish symptom pop up that was not here a month ago- I get like a goosebump feelings that run through my arms and legs for a few seconds then disappear. The weird part is I am neither hot or cold when they happen.

 

My scary thoughts are way less intense, panic manageable, anxiety still here but not as intense. It's almost like I fear saying that I am healing because I'm afraid tomorrow I will wake up worse!? So confusing!!!

 

 

[[il...]]

I know! Lol! (It's not funny, but I personally have to keep humor) sometimes I don't want to fall asleep because I don't want it to end. Just keep prepared for the dips, but they will start to get better and better though. I think a lot, but I don't get nearly as many intrusive thoughts anymore.Remember what my 2 friends said -- it... All.... Just... Lifted. We're getting there. And remember what your friend said. 6 months = a lot better.

 

That was a lie. I do have one new symptom - my body, legs specifically, like shake. Not really shake but like inner tremors? So weird. It lasts for about an hour and is usually at night.

[[pe...]]

Hi all:

 

Really, really good to see that Illnever, Eric, and Ang also seem to be on the upswing and headed towards recovery!

 

I wish I could say the same. 

 

I think one reason I visit the site less (when I am not doing well) is not because I am afraid of reading scary stuff, but because I don't want to contribute to the scary stuff.

 

But as we know, our circumstances are all different.

 

Keep getting well!  And have a good Sunday.

[[an...]]

Pensionier1 that's what we are here for!!!! Please share your scary stuff even if in a pm! We have all been going through really really scary stuff here and doing that alone is even more scary. Please don't isolate. I am here for you. Send me a pm if you don't want to post it. I can handle it!

[[il...]]

Ditto what ang said. Dont think you're alone. In fact I have the thoughts still, anxiety, tinnitus, etc., I can just tell it's improving so I'm not as freaked out. I'm still healing though.

 

In fact, I was just thinking of my old self pre-benzos. I loved traveling and seeing places, experiencing other cultures. Not sure if anyone remembers but I moved to Vegas once, then when I moved back, I moved to Philadelphia. I still want to get out of this town, but someone could give $5000 and say "you're moving to >anywhere nice<," and I'd turn it down. That's how I know I'm still not me. It's funny at this stage, because sometimes I forget I'm still healing and I have to remember my old self. Then I realize that, at times, I'm just *used* to these symtpoms at this point and get scared this is the new me. Such a mind trick!

 

Keep on keepin on, my friends.

[[bj...]]

Hey, all of you!

I feel that every wave is worse than ever. Yesterday was hard. But today I woke up in some sort of window, but depression made it impossible to feel any kind of joy. However, at 3 pm I went to do a concert, and for every hour I felt better. I'm now at home, feeling OK. Of course this activity was extremely important. But: Tomorrow I'll be back on the hopeless track which I have to get out of, being at home, not being able to do anything. I must go to the gym for a couple of hours. I have problems doing it, because I don't know any people there... And I also will start being a volunteer in Red Cross, or another organization. I just have to wait until I feel better. And do I get better doing nothing, only waiting? I don't think so. Chicken or egg...My big dilemma at the moment.

Any suggestions?

 

[[il...]]

All I can say is I've been coached to and do practice living like a monk. I realize some of these things we can't avoid, but they just make everything worse. Our brains will heal regardless. So, I work out at home. Maybe this is why my symptoms have become so minimal most of the time?

 

Like a monk, remember. Blessings and prayers for all.

[[kr...]]

I am glad to see some of you improving. it usually makes me hopeful. today i woke at 4, muscle issues. whats goin on that this is happening agaIN?? someone on bb mentioned anxiety induced insomnia. wonder if it started that way for me 2 yrs ago. i didnt think bout klon wd till year into it. I started klon a yr before the insomnia started same time as health fear started. Did you guys feel first mo you were improving and started going downhill, now little better again? esp with sleep/pain/weakness

[[bj...]]

All I can say is I've been coached to and do practice living like a monk. I realize some of these things we can't avoid, but they just make everything worse. Our brains will heal regardless. So, I work out at home. Maybe this is why my symptoms have become so minimal most of the time?

 

Like a monk, remember. Blessings and prayers for all.

 

OK.

Like a monk.

That's exactly how it works. But I heal. I'll have  to take one step at the time...

I appreciated these words: Like a monk. Then I know I'm not alone in this state of mind.

[[an...]]

I feel like a monk most days too but I have to disagree with you a little illneverdothisagain

 

I think it's important to challenge yourself a little.

 

Bjesti is good at this as he gets out to do yard work and plays in the band. I even think volunteering would be AWESOME!

 

Here's why...

 

The last few weeks I've been telling myself, ok school sucks and I feel symptomatic. But what's the alternative, stay home and fee THE EXACT SAME WAY by myself or get out and distract and give my brain some stimulation for 4 hours? Having something to do even if it's just walking is too important to Ignore. The brain needs NEW EXPERIENCES that will help in the neurogenisis process. There is a ton of videos on YouTube about this and many more Books.

 

For example, when you do the same exact thing every single day same routine, the brain doesn't really need to think because it's all behavior that has been engrained. When we do something different sprouting in the brain will occur. Do this a lot... New growth. What fires together wires together. Google "neural plasticity." Here's a good place to start:

 

Exercise and sex also helps. Even a minor fast!

 

Anyhow, we can't let depression and victim thinking take us down! We have to be proactive with healing and KNOW and BELIEVE we are all healing right this second even if we can't always feel it happening. It is happening. Look back 3 months and see the difference!!!!

[[il...]]

Ang you bring up a good point and I should've specified something. There is psychology behind what you said that I agree with 100% - exposure. But, we all have to learn what's best for our bodies. For example - just an hour ago I got home from a scenic drive and I even stopped for ice cream. Today I can handle that. Most days I still can't. So if they make my symtpoms worse, I don't do it because I know, regardless, the brain is returning to normal. That *can* welcome depression. I would never argue that. Im just blessed to be returning to a normally functioning person. I never needed ADs before, and I can see myself returning to my old self. If anyone is battling depression through this, it certain isn't safe to stay inside all of the time. *but* be easy on yourselves. I could never do concerts or anything big right now without it tempting me to get benzos and I just don't want to see that happen to anyone else. Socializing in very small numbers is only now, slowly, being reintroduced.

 

So, me personally, living like a monk is what's getting me through. Matt Samet did the same - look for his story on YouTube or google - "Death Grip". Don't get scared - the worst of the worst really is behind us. It's just hard to assess. He describes this sooo accurately. Bottom line, guys,  is just to listen to your bodies. Remain as active as possible without making things worse unnecessarily. The only way through this, is through it. It'll all pass regardless if one of us participates in activities such as concerts or not. And please, when you feel decent, go out and do stuff. It's a great reminder as to how we were pre-benzos.

[[kr...]]

illneverdothisagain - i always like what you have to say. So something according to Matt Samet says "the worst is really behind us"?! I hope that is true for me tomorrow!! as you know im really suffering trying get around the house even.

Ang1111 - i totally am into all that about neuroplasticity. its fascinating. Im trying to practice "makin new grooves" in the brain as they say. funny you mention sex for exercise, i m afraid itll send me into a hyperstate! my poor bf

yes i am wanting to be a monk now

maybe i already asked...any of you guys have insomnia spells? are ya all taking any supps?

Maybe this spell wont last long.

hugs to ya all.