The December 2015-February 2016 Jump Club

[[an...]]

I got a new symptom last night or had this symptom but not as severe until last night.

 

It felt like I couldn't get a full deep breath and kind of like the area around my diaphragm was being squeezed / couldn't relax it. Talk about health anxiety. I was scared I had a blood clot in my lungs. Sounds ridiculous to me now. I took my own advice and did a meditation app and it took me about 2 hours to relax enough to fall asleep. It's not here now in the morning so I know I'm not dying.

 

Bjesti- if i had a magic wand I would take your and pensionier's depression away. We all deserve to be happy for the rest of life because of what we have been through.

 

I feel like I'm not getting window/wave cycles. The last 2 weeks I've been feeling between 70-80% most days with a few hours of really feeling like poop here and there. I don't feel a wave per say for a whole day or a "window" for a whole day. Also I feel a little worse when leaving the house, mostly high anxiety, but it is nowhere near the level it was even 2 weeks ago. I have no idea what this means and seriously worried I will wake up and get slammed like a lot of you are experiencing.

[[pe...]]

Hey all:

 

bejeste...You "zeroed" in when you said your depression was about all that has been lost.  Loss is a terrible thing, and at a certain age it can start to seem overwhelming.  I hope the visit with the new psychiatrist goes well.  My psychiatrist is an old guy.  A former follower of the Greatful Dead.

 

Eric  Sorry to hear you had a bit of a bad spot, but overall I get the feeling you are on the upswing.

 

ang sorry about the new symptom.  I have chest constrictions especially in the morning.  Also thanks for your good wishes re: depression.

 

I have transcended morning anxiety to morning terror.  I was completely slammed with fatigue and flood of unwanted and despairing thoughts.  It's freaking amazing in an awful way. I think this thought, then that thought, back and forth, like rolling back and forth trying to find a relaxing spot on the bed.  But it doesn't work.  I have tried STFU.  I use that little voice in my head to shout STFU but it doesn't work.

 

hockeylife  Sounds as if you had a real stinker of a day Sunday.  Hope things are better today....

 

Have we heard from Illnever recently?

[[kr...]]

livestrong - im definitely gonna look into cannabis since reading your post, thanks

angie n eric - i hope you will be getting some full day windows - i am getting them but also getting hard waves.

im not really having any health fears anymore. mine are more about what might get me in the future! how i wll die. an underlying sense of doom im trying to keep at bay and enjoy my window

bjeste - sometimes we have a general depression and dont know why but everything just seems depressing, so you kinda DID zero in like pensioner said. its really just trying to pick out what exactly you are depressed about. i think its the klonopin doing it for me and making me try to think its something specific. wicked drug. It could be some other things too but my health self never got depressed.  btw i'm part norwegian as well

[[an...]]

I've seen illnever over in other threads and last thing I read it looked like he was in somewhat in a wave.

 

I hope he didn't graduate from our thread over here!

 

Session #3 of EMDR went well today! So far no harmful effects from it or therapy! I'm so glad I didn't listen to the people who told me this was too early for therapy and especially EMDR. Boy were they wrong! I think it's actually helping me- especially with positive self-talk and positive healing thoughts!

[[kr...]]

thats awesome angie!  I have had some bad thoughts about having no purpose getting old etc esp in the morning but i feel like if i talk about it w someone, it just intensifies. so i try to write out positives. i think the med made me distort how i see things? dying fear is there but not taking over like it did.

 

livestrong - my dr is pretty open minded but she sidestepped the whole cannabis thing when i brought it up. i dont know how to go about it but call one of the places that sells it. i am worried about the prev dr who said it can make you paranoid. i tried it in my 20s and it was weird and one time i passed out (i hadnt eaten either though)

someone told me i need to try indica

 

the whole weekend i hurt so bad i literally couldnt do hardly anything and it scares me and just the pain alone creates sooo much anxiety its like being on a rough plane ride white knuckling it out but ya dont know when it will end

[[pe...]]

Hi all:

 

Thanks ang for the update on Illnever.  Also glad the EMDR is going so well.

 

kris1967  I also struggle with fear of dying.  In a way that's natural.  As one ages friends, family start doing it. Dying I mean.  It's very hard to keep out of consciousness, especially when lying awake and anxious at three in the morning.  Sorry the weekend was such a white knuckle job.

 

Now I have to go for a three hour treatment at dentist. Darn.  It's only a dentist visit. But I feel like I am on the ferry  to Normandy.

 

I WANT  a cigarette!  ( I stopped doing that four years ago).

[[li...]]

It sounds like we are all dealing with abnormal amounts of Anxiety.  Every task during the day aggravates it.  Driving is one of my worst triggers; does anyone else suffer from severe" Drivers Anxiety"?  It feels like every car on the road is out to get me.  By the time I get to my destination I'm usually sweaty, and out of breath, and it takes me an hour to calm down.  The days I manage to avoid it are much calmer for me.

Other than just breathing through it, has anyone found tricks to beat the road Panic?

 

Pensioner1-  Your morning anxiety turning into" Morning Terror" was a great description of how I feel driving my daughter to school each day.

I can't even imagine what a trip to the dentist would do to me!

[[pe...]]

Hi all:

 

Livestrong, yes, from my limited experience, I would say anxiety is a really big theme on these pages.  And, as you say, even the small events of daily life can aggravate it.

 

I managed to drive to the dentist without incident, and sat through 2 and a half hours of dental torture.  I was proud of myself for getting there and not having a panic attack during the procedure.

 

Today, however, I am completely back in the dumps. 

 

And in a few minutes, the electric company is going to cut my power for a scheduled maintenance for the whole day.

 

Doesn't look like a whole lot of traffic on this thread yesterday.  Hope all are well (as well can be).

[[Er...]]

I was away for business so haven't been able to participate in this thread over the past few days.  Still getting the 4am surges but the anxiety seems to have gone down a bit.  I think I'm plateauing for a while but I'll take it! 

[[an...]]

I had some wicked anxiety and panic Yesterday for

A few hours on my way to and at school. Today I feel like I have a hangover from it. I had to sit in a meeting and everytime I would look between the projector screen and the lady who was talking, it was like I would see a prism of different colors. I don't know if it was a vision issue, dr dp or just imagining things but it made me so anxious I started getting intrusive thoughts about dying of a seizure or Stroke again. Then I had another meeting with my professor and totally forgot about what I was freaking out about and felt better. Then I had class and the color thing did not happen in her class thank god. I don't know what happened but it scared me. Glad I was able to calm down. I haven't been sleeping good for a long time now so I slept on the couch last night and finally got some Decent sleep!

 

Today is my 37th birthday and 4 months off these poisons. I know I'm healing and have felt pretty dern good for 3 weeks now. Just some excess anxiety yesterday.

 

Onward and upward!

 

 

[[bj...]]

Happy birthday Ang! 

- and my mental state swings from bottom in the morning to OK in the evening, both yesterday and today. I'm so tired of this! I want so much to start living the rest of my life as a happy man. I know I will some day, but now I'm frustrated and tired of this.

And Kris, partly Norwegian. Great! 

 

[[Er...]]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Welcome to the 37 club. I joined a few months ago 

[[pe...]]

Hi all:

 

A belated Happy Birthday, ang, and a very, very belated one to Eric.

 

And good to hear from bejeste.  I too go through those miserable daily swings.  I hope your visit with your new psychiatrist went well.

 

Things have been slow on this thread.  I feared it was becoming unraveled.  I would miss it were that to happen.

 

[[bj...]]

Hey, all of you,

and Pensioner!

 

Yes, my meeting with my new psychiatrist went well. But I had an important question to him, if he would recommend me to get hospitalised again. Due to my depression. He said no. What help would I get there? No "new" medication, just talking. I agreed. I've finished talking with hospital psychiatrists. I went to my private/personal (?) doctor today. He told me the same. He even said it could make it even more difficult to come through this. They both said that I have to do the things I like during daytime. This is very difficult, because everything I liked to do is now hopeless for me to do. Dilemma.

I really don't know how to get through this. I hope for a window tomorrow and that the depression goes away. It has disappeared every time I've had windows.

 

Sorry, folks!

This is the last negative post I write. It is not good for anybody to read this kind of stuff.

 

 

[[an...]]

Thank you everyone for the bday wishes. It wasn't that bad! Just read my poetry and came home!

 

Pensionier1 I am not going anywhere! I'll be finished with most of my finals tonight and then I have a whole month off and I don't know what I'm going to do with all the free time!

 

Bjesti I am so glad you resisted the hospital. I know it's sad to think about but I believe I will have to work on my PTSD and anxiety without the doctors and hospitals. Life and death would be the ONLY reason I ever go in or take a medication again. Hopefully I never need to.

 

This is coming from someone who has been on MULTIPLE anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, benzos, sleep pills for 13 years. Its scary for me for sure but I would rather die than take another pill. So I meditate several times a day, try not to think about the future (anxiety) or past (depression) and just take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. Distraction really does work and I find that I can talk myself out of doing stuff easily but when i face my fears and do it anyway I feel victorious!

 

This is not easy for any of us. I know it is not. If I could fly to Norway and hug you I would. This suffering will be over soon I promise! We will get better and this will all be a bad dream! You have to hang onto that and repeat it in your head every time a bad thought comes in. My mantra is "I am healing, I am healing, I am healing."

 

Now, both of you- tell me something GOOD! A good meal, a good joke, a good sunset, anything. Tell me something that happened in the last few days that made you feel even 1% better.

 

Big hugs to everyone 

 

Where is illneverdothisagain

[[bj...]]

5 % up!

My wife and I had a morning walk with our dog. Today summer has come to our part of Norway. The smell of everything growing up made me feel a little better. April has been very cold, so at last we can enjoy staying outside when we are at home. I'm mostly at home...

Three hours later:

I plugged in the twig cutter (?), and did some garden work in the lovely weather. 5 more percent up today. 

[[Er...]]

bjesti that's awesome!! Hope it keeps getting better for you!

 

I'm doing pretty good to and still in my plateau. Morning surges continue. I went out with some friends last night and had 3 non-alcoholic beers and had a fun time. Things are looking up!

 

Love you all

[[bj...]]

Thanks Eric and Ang, for good wishes and symbolic hugs!

Today the window has been open all day. And I've had no depression, just what I hoped for. That means that depression and waves go hand in hand for me. And that gives me new hope; that I don't have to deal with depression as an extra, tragic thing after the chocking part of life I've gone through.

This makes me rise the percent to 50 % today. The last 50 % shall come in the future.

And when in windows: The tinnitus is almost gone!!! 

[[pe...]]

Hi all:

 

ang: thanks for the good wishes and symbolic hugs.  I got a 1 percent up bump when I heard from my youngest brother saying he has some positive stuff happening in his job search.  He is unemployed (for a year now), 58 years old and still recovering from a stroke (eight years ago).  But he is being interviewed for work on the county board of elections and he hires out now for elder care.  He is getting more experience in that area.  So that was good.  And another 1 percent up bump for doing some cooking for the coming week.  It smells good.

 

Oh, I was wondering when school was out for you.  Just a month, I see.

 

bejeste  I was happy to hear your visit with your psychiatrist went well and that hospitalization is not in your future.  I think about it, but I know all I would find there is more meds.  I  am doing all I can to eliminate pills from my future.

 

Eric good to hear you are still on the plateau, that you went out with friends, had a good time, and did it without Drinking.  That's really good.

 

Yes, where is Illnever.  And Hockeylife.  And livestrong.  Hope all are as well as well can be.

[[kr...]]

Hi you guys

happy belated bday ang and eric .. i just had my 50th last month

Ang you sound like my bf shen i am having a bad day but its true that you HAVE to think of some good things and say them out loud over and over! The limbic system makes true what it hears you say!!

Pensioner.. i noticed that things slowed on this thread too, i ve been having a good week and didnt want to jinx it haha. I still want to keep up w everyone though!

I am making some progress cause i can actually sit and paint and enjoy myself and my sleep is better and less pain but when i wake up i remember dreams about my life and people in my life and i overthink like crazy till i get my day going. been journaling first thing in morning.

Also had couple episodes of getting really pissed at myself for little things, not doing something just right, etc... this is part of the old me actually so im glad to see it back!, its a quirk of mine to work on but atleast i have the energy to get mad and express myself

[[co...]]

Hi All. Can I join too?

I jumped at 5th February so it is my 3rd month now. Also I had a morning surge it starts on my 2.5 months off. My main symptom was dizziness and also tiredness. Now the dizziness has been reduced to minimum but my tiredness still there, usually with my morning surge, it also make my morning really tired. I don't know whether this is kind of sleep lacking tiredness or anxiety induced tiredness. So coffee somehow anticipate it, the drawback will be my GI issue.   

 

But what I can say, I am feeling lot better rather than 1st and 2nd months. Now I can do many more activity rather when I was in acute phase. 

 

Lastly, Happy birthday for ang, eric, and also kris I hope things getting better this year for you guys. 

[[Er...]]

Welcome Contiki! You are more than welcome to join. I know you and I were going through horrible Heath anxiety together. How is that going for you? Mine is almost completely gone most of the time which makes things so much better. I'm still getting the morning surges as well.

[[co...]]

Welcome Contiki! You are more than welcome to join. I know you and I were going through horrible Heath anxiety together. How is that going for you? Mine is almost completely gone most of the time which makes things so much better. I'm still getting the morning surges as well.

 

Hi Erics. Thank you for letting me in.

I am glad that your health anxiety has been reduced to minimum, thats very great.  Well. I am still struggling with it, but one thing it does improving little by little. I am learning a daily meditation by subscribing some service, and it does help me very much. I know the anxiety and physical sx are still here in me, but I try to just let them all, and it works. I just realised that I am 3 months off now, so I am hoping a good result will come. Nothing can be achieved without struggling. 

[[pe...]]

Hi all:

 

Hey, Contikitiki, unless there is somebody else with your handle, I recognize you from a while back when this thread went under a different name.  Good to have you back.

 

Kris how wonderful that you enjoy sitting and painting.  What a lovely word, that.  Enjoy.  Denoting satisfaction and pleasure.  I haven't enjoyed much of anything (aside from eating) in a long while.

 

Just a few minutes ago I was looking for something to watch on Netflix.  All those choices, thousands of titles, different genres.  My head began to hurt.  I didn't like anything I saw.  I realized that anxiety was welling up in my chest.  I was on the verge of panic looking at the Netflix page.  Now why should that be?  So I shut down the page.

 

But that's what my day is like....

[[kr...]]

Hi Ciintikitiki! my 3rd and 4th were bad and feeling way better now. you arent far off either i bet! My sx seemed to swap out recently and now i wake in the night but go back to sleep. having dreams. I see you put a cat on your photo - i love cats

Ya all im having these anger issues but somehow its motivating. anyone else find themselves thinking about stuff and getting real pissed off?? At other times I find myself cruising through my day enjoying everything like is this how it is normally? Could i get "too " excited and throw off my cns lol!

 

Now that my pain is going down. Klon kicked my but in the muscle pain area but maybe thats not as common w other benzos. A week ago i had a horrible weekend and it lifted and has been getting better each day! 

 

Pensioner - I have had the same exact thing with Netflix all winter!! I barely watched it at all except for old comedies! And yes its so nice to have back some artistic motivation and be able to stay in the flow while doing it. i havent painted in 2 yrs. i colored a coloring book

 

Eric - I am having the wakings too but seem to go back to sleep and i think its from the chinese herbs for one thing...rather than altering brain chemistry like some otc meds etc they nourish the organs for sleep (so says my accupuncturist but i would think the brain is one of those organs.. when i run out ill not buy more and see). The other thing is phosphorlated serine (Seriphos) seems to keep my cortisol from popping up real bad. i took it at dinner and still woke but i do better taking it right before bed.

The only other supp i do is tumeric n boswelia for my muscle pain, and a good probiotic