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  1. @KNACKERED

    A blog by [kn...] in Member Blogs

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    [kn...]

     

    Knackered Seeks Balance with Benzos

       Hey there, Knackered here.  Probably the greatest balancing act of all time was done by a Norwegian named Tell Teigen atop a one hundred foot pole and four kitchen chairs on the Santa Monica Beach in the early 1950’s. While he successfully accomplished that feat and more, he fell to his death during a performance in 1958.  While he focussed on just one thing in life you could say that he still lived a very balanced life.

       It’s safe to say that life in itself is a balancing act. Things are always in motion.  Most stuff rarely goes the way you want it to.  Scheduled activities go awry when someone calls and says that they “can’t make it”.

       Have you stuck to your tapering schedule?  How’s that working out for you?  If you’re anything like me, you may have wondered if you fell off the pole at some point.  You’re probably still trying to get out of the safety net and climb back up the pole to where you left off.

       You may have been told somewhere through the years that your life lacks balance; I know I have.  With OCD and little impulse control, I operate like a dragster much of the time; point it in one direction, wait for the green light and floor it.  If I can stay on the straight and narrow, I know that my parachute has a pretty good chance of slowing me down before I run off the track.

       In the end, “I’ve decided that I have to focus on being great at the only things I’m actually good at, rather than good at what I was bad at.” (Jess Lambert-The Stranger at Black Lake).  Needless to say, it’s pretty hard to keep all the balls in the air at the same time;  a few might stay up there, but there’s little chance that you’ll be able to pull off the trick with all of them.

       I’ve kind of made a thing of it.  I fall down, get up, step in something nasty, and keep on going.  It makes for a rough journey, but usually leads me to the goal I’m after.  I’ve stumbled along the Benzo path, landed flat on my face, gotten up, wiped things off and tried it all over again.  Pretty much like everything else in my life. It’s humbling indeed.

         Still I’ve clung to the notion of trying to be great at just a couple of things.  It’s best to focus on that rather than strive to master the kaleidoscope of stuff that keeps calling my name.  I read the posts on site, do what works for me, read and study books, magazines, and journal articles constantly.  I own a copy of the Ashton Manual and read it again last week.  Surely that all must count as some sort of balance, while serving to make me wise enough to pull this whole thing off.

      Think balance is something you’ll find and will eventually come to you?  That may not be true.  Turns out that balance is something we create and build for ourselves.

     

         

     

  2. Pickl's Protracted Progress

    A blog by [Pi...] in Member Blogs

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    [Pi...]

     

    I had a blog on the 'old' BB and wasn't sure I would revisit the whole thing, but what the heck? I've been feeling lately like I want to Do Something, to contribute somehow. Maybe my experience can do that. Sometimes I think no one will want to listen to me because I'm 5 years in and not healed yet. People want to listen to healed people, ones that made it through to the other side. But then maybe that's just an excuse not to write anything, especially cuz I'm not quite sure how this new blog works. :unsure: But I'll give it a go.

    So I'm not healed, but I feel pretty good. Not physically, necessarily, but mentally and spiritually. I enjoy life. I'm (mostly) happy. I have fun, appreciate the little things.  I've learned how to live well by going through this process and how to live well in the midst of it.  How to live in the present and to accept things how they are without wishing they were different. I've learned how to be grateful and how to find purpose in small things. I've learned things that I doubt I could have learned any other way, although I certainly wouldn't have chosen this particular circle of hell if I'd been able to choose.

    So I'm just going to share my protocol. My mindset and philosophy and techniques and routine, lest it may help someone else endure and grow and keep up their hope through what is certainly one of the harder journeys there is. 

    Here's my story in a nutshell: 10 years plus another 10 years on benzos with a pregnancy in between. Xanax, K and Ativan at different times. The first 10 years I largely go away with, though I did have weird symptoms from time to time. The second 10 really did me in. I was sick for almost all of them, particularly the final 3 years, by the end of which I was practically bedridden. Had all sorts of tests and no one could figure out what was wrong. No one ever suspected the drugs, they almost never do. Finally my doctor retired (thank God) and my new doctor wanted me to get off the things. This scared the crap out of me at the time, because I thought they were helping. Crazy, hey?

    Anyway, I tapered (too fast), and even though I felt much worse, I didn't clue in that the drugs were the problem until about the 6 week mark. And even then I thought they'd maybe been part of the problem. It took another several weeks to realize that they'd been the entire problem from beginning to end. I was relieved to finally know what had caused my illness after all those years and I figured I'd be fine in a few months. HA!!

    I did get better for 6 months, but then I started to get worse. Backwards, backwards, backwards. Then at about 2 years, slowly, slowly forwards. Very, very slowly. At first I was stubborn and didn't change much about my lifestyle. But by that 2 year mark, I realized I had to change and I had to change absolutely everything. My diet, my thinking, my daily habits...all of it. And I did. Every change I made brought me closer to a 'natural' lifestyle and I no longer look for quick fixes of any kind. I don't take anything, really, but for the off Tylenol and antihistamines during allergy season. I take no supplements but for Vitamin D in the winter, because I live in Canada and good luck getting it from the sun. I learned mindfulness and stress reduction techniques and was careful about my toxic load. I watched a lot of free conferences on healing trauma, on sleep, on holistic health, meditation, diet and rewiring the brain. I've tried some things that didn't help, some things that made me worse and some things that have really made a positive difference.

    I celebrated 5 years off March 21 of this year. I'd put myself at 70% healed (on baseline days). Worse during waves, better on the odd 'good' day. I've never had what I would call a window, never been symptom free for even 5 minutes. I could be upset that it's taking so long, but mostly I'm really grateful to be where I am now as opposed to where I was when I was super ill and didn't even know what the problem was.

    Current symptoms are a constant pulsing/pressure in the head, low energy, migraines, sensitivities (particularly to chemicals) and sometimes a dizzy/boaty feeling. Other things come and go back don't last very long, so aren't of much concern to me.

    I'll continue to share what has helped me and how things go from here. Follow along if you want to!

    Peace to all!

     

     

  3. Widesky

    A blog by [wi...] in Member Blogs

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    [wi...]

    Many skin changes toward end of taper but especially at present. Months 6,7,8 multiple skin tags, weird moles and dark splotches appearing within weeks of each other.

    not only hair loss on entire body with rough texture, but now all these new ugly moles and tags. On my face, ears, arms legs. 
    dermatologist says it happens rapidly when a person’s hormones are wonky. Thank you psych drugs. Kick me when I’m down. I thought I had a little pimple on the back of the ear and I went to scratch it off and it was a skin tag which is now bleeding. I was prepared for aging and losing a youthful appearance but this is abnormally rapid.

    i don’t know how the hell I can take this shit if it goes on for years.

    I’m pissed and very sad.

    ill be venting my misery in this blog so I don’t flip out. 
     What if I need psych drugs now? Even if not mentally ill, perhaps the chemical imbalance I have FROM years of being polydrugged, can only be stabilized by reinstating?

    These are thoughts that come and scare me. I know this is a common fear.

    i just cannot imagine not working and being stuck at home will be sustainable for much longer.

    I’m going insane, or so it feels that way. Mental anxiety naturally is through the roof.

     Approaching 9 months off next week. Like so many, I took a turn for the worse around month 6/7.

    feel so upset that I am living behind a glass wall of detached reality. 

    I miss laughter, sexuality, caring about how I look, wearing stylish clothes,working out, traveling, etc.

    i miss FEELING!!!

    I do what I can but I suppose I’m still wanting life as it was.. I know that’s an illusion.

    i feel like the people who say life will be better after you “heal” are full of shit, and I’m afraid I’m a lost cause and am not going to heal. 

    Ive forgotten so much as my brain is compromised now, I learned all the systems of the human body in my professional training and can barely remember half of the anatomy and physiology or how it works. 
     

    Okay, enough of this journaling for now, but I do feel better getting it out of me and on the page.

    If you read this Hurricane Season, please know I miss the days of the old BB when we all would post and share our stuff, and be encouraged in such a special way. It was the beginning of Covid and everyone was home and the community was ultra strong.

    Thinking of bluemoon2021 , also.

    Okay, signing off for real. 🌙

  4. Puku's Life After Benzos

    A blog by [pu...] in Member Blogs

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    [pu...]

    Hi hi blog,

    I have a heavy digital footprint across all areas of the internet but in a anonymous way. I remember my benzo blog fondly, because I'm pretty sure the anesthesia they gave me for jaw surgery had something in it. Either was, I was a wretch for a week! And now I'm back to sleeping well.

    It has been my dream of 10 years to get plastic surgery for my jaw, and nose, and eyes... And I've done all of that after getting off the benzos! I knew I would be too sick while I was on them. I wish I had done it sooner. My self confidence is through the roof. 

    I was broken up with a month ago. Life starts anew. I feel more resilient now than ever. I actually feel curious and engaged with life, and I thought that that relationship, however toxic and stressful and damaging it was, it was also beautiful in many ways and I was glad to have experienced it. I hope to only get healthier and happier so that the next one is better. For now I am focusing on improving myself some more. Not that I am even a project to be improved upon! 

    I've been thinking about some new mindsets later, less extreme ones. Rather than wanting to be great! ( a form of coping with insecurity and trauma) I've been thinking of being ordinary. The goal is ordinary. Not average, normal, or everybody else. But just, ordinary. Being broken up with is an ordinary part of life. Not a great tragedy. I actually really liked feeling that normalcy. Feeling like a late bloomer who was never loved is an "extreme" feeling, or wanting "the greatest romance ever experienced" is also an extreme thing. Wanting to have "exactly 4 relationships in my 20s like everybody else" is being "normal" or "getting married at 28" is "average", but "wanting a relationship that is appropriate to my life path, growth and personality" is what I mean by being ordinary. It actually feels really good to be broken up with, it feels like an ordinary experience. Having been through benzos most of my early 20s and tapering in my mid twenties, that was an alienating and lonely experience. That didn't feel ordinary. So in comparison, having a breakup was less extreme than being on the benzos.

    I feel like no where else on the internet can people relate to how benzos shake up your life. To all respects, I look like a normal person. I go about my day, I set goals, I do them, I go to school, I plan what I want to eat, what I want to wear, buy, etc. Yet, there are all these strange things that affect me because I've been through benzos, and probably some form of c-ptsd that lead to the benzos. Like, after surgery, I was dizzy again, like I used to be that lead to the benzos. I do have lots of coping skills now, including knowing that the dizziness is temporary, due to just having had major surgery. But I can't really talk about it to other plastic surgery enthusiasts, because they might be private about their benzos or have never been on it. So the surgery was a little harder on me because of it. But it might be harder on someone else, because their body is weaker due to chronic stress or autoimmune. 

    I really think the benzos also had an influence on that relationship. I had gotten into it when I was just fragile and newly out of benzos. I didn't have experience, I didn't have a healed and healthy mind yet. And it's still healing and becoming better every day. 

    The positive mindset I have had to nurture in order to get through it all has been paying dividends every day. I see new thoughts, new connections, and experience a depth of wonder, beauty, curiosity, and joy that I only felt numb on with the meds. There is even a hint of beauty in the sadness, that I am grateful to experience. When I was on the meds, something like this breakup was and did feel like never-ending sadness. Because my brain was so deadened I couldn't really even get out of it. 

    As you can see, the benzos still affect me in some ways, like the way my thoughts are a bit scattered. I feel like I've been put back together, but different, but certainly better than while I was on the medicine. And at the time, I needed it to get through what I was going through, so I don't regret that either. The depth of forgiveness and equanimity I have now, I think, is also attributed to having my brain back. There was no subtlety when I was on it. But part of it may be attributed to simply growing up, gaining experience in life. Right now, I truly feel like an ordinary human being with the rest of her life to live however she wants to. When I was 18, I thought, "I can be anything I want to be because I am young and have the rest of my life to-" but I didn't know how to manage my emotions and fell down. Now I am almost 28, and instead of feeling like "I am too old, over the hill, I missed my chance" (like I did during benzos and depression) I feel, "I can truly be anything I want to be again, because I am a responsible adult and I can handle anything that comes my way in life and I will figure it out." 

    Now I am back in school. I just got my report card for my first semester in university! All A's. A decade ago, I had dropped out because I was too sick. Now, in my healthy drug free life, I have conquered it through pure mindset and lifestyle. 

    I feel so good about going back to school, improving my looks, things I had wanted to do, but felt stuck about, that I really feel confident about my other dreams. Writing comics, making games, making more art! I feel like I'm growing into my own. I feel like this life is really mine to live, and that it's a precious thing a human life is, and what a privilege it is to take care of me! How glad I am to be put in this body, to be this soul driving this vehicle. All this because I slept for 7 hours haha. I am currently working on 2 games, possibly a third. I hired somebody to help for one, and the other I'm making with a friend. I feel like all my dreams are possible, and worthwhile. My brain is truly coming back online again. I missed out on a lot of experiences, because I had anxiety, because I was on the benzos, that now I feel like the clock is ticking again and time has stopped standing still. I feel like NOW I am living the rest of my life. I get to decide what to do with it. Not even my family has a say in it. Not even my childhood traumas and fears. So I'm really proud of that. I feel like I'm more aware now too. I know that my grandpa has admonished me against the creative arts, but it's also the thing that has supported me the most. I realize that was his fear and not my burden to carry. That adulthood isn't so scary, neither, even, is poverty. I know that once I get out of school, I'll find a job, and it will all be taken care of. There is no unsolvable problem. These days I'm amazed at how positive my attitude is, but it's something that I was forced to have in order to get out of withdrawals. So I am even grateful for that experience, to completely break me down and let me re-invent myself deliberately in a new way. My old ways of thinking lead me to despair and benzos, my new way of thinking gets me out and towards the business of life.

     

    The next time I update this blog, I hope to have more good news for you guys! At the same time that I want to "prove" life goes up and up, I also relax and let myself just be ordinary. I don't have to be great. I don't even have to survive. I just have to be. Because another thing I think, that I've had nowhere else to share so far, is that I realized my confidence isn't based on my achievements. There was a time whenever I got insecure, I would rattle off my past achievements in my head. But I thought, I am not even my past accomplishments. I am just me. I should be confident, because I am me, not because of what I've achieved. I'm confident because I know I have a good mindset, I can trust myself, and I can handle whatever life throws at me. That's where it should come from. And yes, it will help to improve my skills at something, create something, taking action too! I think the confidence to do those things will also come from adopting an attitude of being ordinary - I don't have to be great right away, I don't have to have fantastic results, I just need to "be" and that's good enough.

    As you can tell, since the breakup I read a lot of books on codependency. It's no wonder that I had a lot of wrong beliefs about relationships and love. I'm getting better. And half of getting better may be improving my mindset, the other half is just going to have to be experience in the trenches. That's what I was missing. 

  5. In The Remains Of The Day

    A blog by [Hu...] in Member Blogs

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    [Hu...]

    Hey guys, it's been a long time. And it's been a strange time. Most of this year has been a struggle, but it got particularly bad in August when I tried to introduce Citalopram into my regime to combat my anxiety, particularly my health anxiety. And what do you know, it made things worse. The first two weeks when I started on a super low dose was fine, but as soon as I upped it, it was terrible. And it felt a hell of a lot like benzo withdrawal. And it started getting better as soon as I stopped. Got me wondering how much of my benzo withdrawal was actually due to citalopram - as I started taking it a few days into acute - and funnily enough I traced my old blog and noted that my worst spells always came just after I upped my citalopram dosage.

    Anyway, so I stopped. Throughout late August and up to mid September I had a pretty bad time. Some good days, but I was often anxious and depressed. And I gave in, I'm not going to go into the specifics of what I did, but let's just say it caused me to feel some shame rearing my head round these parts again. But, it has helped, and since the 19th of September in particular I've been much better. Still anxiety and depression here and there but mostly much much better.

    And I can drink alcohol again! I did so on the night of my football teams historic 4-1 victory of PSG in the champions league, with my friends in a pub, and it was one of the best nights of my life.

    In recent weeks I've been having some wobbles - I have a few days here and there where I just feel terribly anxious. Particularly on the 1st of Dec I really struggled, but after a good long sleep it got much better.

    -

     

    In other news, I've been making some great progress with my writing. Both poems and my novels. Instead of always trying to write something deep and profound with my poetry, I've been doing some looser, more light hearted and occasionally crass things, but its been very freeing and enjoyable. So, ups and downs. Hopefully I stay up enough to have a pleasant Christmas period with friends and family.

  6. Hotcoldhotcold

    A blog by [Ho...] in Member Blogs

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    [Ho...]

    Most foods don't do anything for me. I eat because I need to; this recovery process kind of killed my appetite. For a long time I had a lump, constantly rising up in my throat when I ate. The lump is gone, so that's a 'yay' box I can check. But I still don't much like food.

    I do like Fairlife Chocolate Milk. When I can find it. It's amazing. Even my body-building grandsons approve of it because it's high protein and low sugar. It has the same amount of sugar as white milk. You'd never know it's actually kinda good for you. I trust you won't tell any grade-schoolers you know. Keep this one a secret. 

    Here's why. There are days I've gone out to buy some, and three stores later, come up empty-handed. It finally dawned on me that mothers probably buy it for their kids because their kids love it, and it's kind of good for them. Duh. That's why the shelves are almost always empty.

    I don't want to run to the dairy section and take the last bottle when kids are watching.  I have visions of little kids running towards the dairy case, "Mommy I see it!" and there's me, pulling down the last quart in my mean little hands, suddenly turning to see them coming. I can't, no, really, really couldn't take the last quart.

    I have to get there before the moms do.

     

     

    fairfield - 2.jpeg

  7. The Answers to Life and the Universe

    A blog by [Te...] in Testing, Testing - 1, 2, 3 - testing

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    [Te...]
    Latest Entry

    I Wonder...

    ...if I will ever write something interesting?

     

  8. Writing all kinds of interesting stuff

    A blog by [Co...] in Testing, Testing - 1, 2, 3 - testing

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    [Co...]
    Latest Entry

    Writing Blog

    Test content. Nothing exiting.

  9. Team Blogging

    A group blog by BB Team (test) in *Team Blog

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  10. TaterTot's Blog of Tenacity 2

    A blog by [Ta...] in Member Blogs

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    [Ta...]

    Posting my first blog just to say hello to any and all old (and new) friends.

    I guess our old blogs are archived and will be phased out eventually? Has anyone found a way to save their old blogs, perhaps save them offline. It serves as record of the past 6 years of my life so it might be nice to save for future reference. 

    Anyway! I hope everyone is hanging in there and finding their way on the new site. It took me so long to fugue out the old one, so I imagine it will take me awhile to figure this one out too! But as I always said...I am not going anywhere. I might be logged off for awhile as I have been getting busier and more capable but I am still here for anyone who would like to reach out. 

  11. Living with long term harm from benzos

    A blog by [lo...] in Member Blogs

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    [lo...]

    I have been in two minds about whether to continue to blog or not.  I have been on BB for such a long time, since 2014 in fact.  Why am I still here?  The reasons are simple, I continue to live with the long term effects of a benzo brain injury and I have made some good friends on this website.  Not only that I have acquired a whole family of virtual critters who inhabit my blog, in fact they think it belongs to them.  They will appear now and again, of that I am sure.  

     

    You can read about my history here. 

    https://benzobuddies.org/profile/238407-[lo...]/?tab=field_core_pfield_1

    Old blog is here. 

     

    It is over 10 years since I completed my taper, I had no idea what was in front of me.  Most of us are in the same boat.  It has been a very long journey, the journey continues.   I have come a long way from being virtually bedridden, however I am still chronically tired and am limited in what I can do in any one day, many days I do very little and have to spend quite a bit of time resting and recovering after being out of the house, meeting friends etc.  Hopefully I can work out how to use this new blogging system.  As well as being on BenzoBuddies I have been very active in campaigning about benzo and antidepressant harms, I have been on Twitter since 2014.  I have been on TV and in the press.  I now take life a bit easier and don't do any more interviews.  I am tired.  I will see how this new blog goes, it isn't so easy to adapt to change now. 

  12. 90 months, my recovery

    A blog by [Tr...] in Testing, Testing - 1, 2, 3 - testing

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    [Tr...]

    I just want to see if it works. And some music if you want to dance!

     

  13. Pathologizing Personality

    A blog by [jo...] in Member Blogs

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