Benzo Related Loneliness

[[am...]]

Why would they have little expectations? Did you tell them that you were brain damaged?  lol 

[Guest [Mi...]]

Nope. Just kept forgetting stuff like going to the post office and forgetting to take the mail! 

 

Geezzz, I've fallen so far. The view is kind of interesting down here, though. 

[[...]]

I've never noticed this thread before and I wish I had because I think it could have really helped me. I was astonishingly lonely which I think in part was because I was suffering and I felt like I needed support and in part because I felt like nobody was in my same place wherever that was mentally. It is very isolating.

 

Also I agree with being cut off from the energy of life. I'm an atheist but I really marvel at how key mental health is to feeling at peace. There is even an inner light that goes absent in all of this or at least that's how it feels and it's very stressful. Studies have even shown that depression can cause accelerated aging and possibly Alzheimer and after this I can totally see how. 

 

It's fascinating really. The metaphysics of life.

[[am...]]

Hi Goto - Yes, it is incredibly depressing and stressful to have our mind and soul sucked away from a reaction to these drugs being removed. Scariest shit I ever experienced in my life by far and something I never want to experience again. Good healing. 

[Guest [Mi...]]

Good way of describing it, ama. Yes, it's like having our "mind and soul sucked away".

 

Hi, goto. It's very isolating when no one understands what you're going through. That's why I've been hanging out so much on Benzo Buddies. Everyone here just gets it. 

[[jm...]]

I'm at 21 months out and no more benzo related loneliness.

 

The further away I get from benzos, the more I see how my body is returning to pre benzo functions, especially where the loneliness is concerned.

 

I know my psyche and emotional body fairly well, and I am convinced that my theory is correct, at least with me, that the extreme loneliness resulting from benzo withdrawal is the result of a split from the higher self, or soul. There are many different ways to describe this aspect of ourselves, but the fundamental concept is that we are more than cells and two fluids.

 

When the nervous system is overexcited from the glutamate imbalance we become isolated from that part of ourselves that can feel our place in the universe. Depersonalization and Derelization is when we have trouble relating to our personal self and to our place in the world. I believe benzo related DP / DR  and associated emotional responses including despair and extreme loneliness goes a huge step larger than that in scale - to having trouble with feeling our place in the universe - and the ability to sense and connect with the greater aspects of ourselves typically called the higher self, soul, and other linguistic attempts to describe our belonging in all that is.

 

When we are chemically blocked from feeling and sensing this connection, we are left with only the ability to connect with our physical body isolated from our source and greater being.

 

This isolation is terrifying in contrast to what we are used to. This may sound far out to those who have never studied the more esoteric aspects of psychology and physics, but it is real nonetheless.

 

 

So the bottom line is that if you are completely freaked out and in total despair, certain that you are not going to survive the terror and trauma that you are experiencing - try to realize that this is actually normal for acute withdrawal -  and this terror WILL pass in time. Your challenge is to hold on until it does pass.

 

I was there, many others were there, and we can tell you that you WILL move out of this awful place in time. Most people heal and move on. They do not stay and try to break this experience down into its smallest details.

 

If the loneliness is severe, try to understand that you are at a stage in a predictable healing timeline and you will get better as time goes by.

 

I was SEVERE and now I am doing well, and you are next to do well, just hold on long enough for the nerve regeneration to take place. 

 

 

River 

[[jm...]]

Hi,

Not sure doing this correctly but making an attempt.

My wife is out 34 months with no improvement, no windows. The comment that MOST  people heal and move on is interpreted by her that some people do NOT heal, and  that she is one of them. This is not good. I suggested no one knows if there are people who never heal because if you think about it, how would anyone know, that if not yet healed, they will not heal later.

If possible please clarify the comment that MOST people heal.

 

Thank you,

jmjduffer

[[Ri...]]

I am so sorry about your wife. 

 

I was referring to those on the forum - most people stop posting here when they start to feel better.

 

As far as recovering from benzo neurological damage - I interpret the data as virtually everybody healing if enough time is tracked.

 

The few that have reported not yet healing is statistically irrelevant IMO, based on the numbers and viewed in a proper perspective.

 

I am certain it is not a good idea to consider that you are one of the extremely protracted ones.

 

There is a psychological mechanism that is triggered by wd that makes you feel that you will not survive and recover. This is almost a universal reaction - and it is one of the biggest benzo lies.  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=87594.0

 

You are going to be fine. In time. Our challenge is to manage our minds so that we do not tell ourselves negative stories about a perceived future.

 

I was ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN I would not survive my withdrawal - it was brutal torture - and now I am enjoying my life more than ever. When I look back on it, I can hardly comprehend the  contrast.

 

You will recover. You do not have to believe it - you just have to allow for the possibility  - and not hurt yourself.

 

 

 

River 

[[ai...]]

Thanks for the reply Cookie! 

 

Hope your today is better than yesterday!!

[[fl...]]

Thank you river I am so sad.....it doesnt seem to end...I have such along ways to go and seem stuck trying to get use to a liquid to taper..it must be a weaker drug and I'm wding is all I can figure..I was doing okay on the pill and changed to same brand liquid...10 days and its kickin my butt...I'm tired crying..flower

[[Ri...]]

Flowergirl -  IDK.  .  .  If it was me I would be considering updosing to find my stable baseline equivalent dose.

 

Sometimes changes can be nasty.  :'(

 

 

I'm sorry you are struggling so hard. I can tell you that it will be worth it when you get your new life without benzos. .  .

 

 

 

River 

[Guest [Mo...]]

Thank you river I am so sad.....it doesnt seem to end...I have such along ways to go and seem stuck trying to get use to a liquid to taper..it must be a weaker drug and I'm wding is all I can figure..I was doing okay on the pill and changed to same brand liquid...10 days and its kickin my butt...I'm tired crying..flower

 

Flower, when is changed to liquid, it felt like a cut.

The body seems to need to get used to the new delivery method.

I think it also absorbs quicker and would make me more lethargic at first and weepy..

It took about two weeks for me to feel some relief.

 

Best,moo

[[Ri...]]

Flowergirl -  I would try to ride it out without adjusting your dose for as long as you can to give yourself time to adjust to the liquid.

 

I wasn't clear on this in my previous post.  River

 

 

[[Bi...]]

If you are lonely and want to meet new friends, try plenty of fish. You can meet lots of interesting people there. I don't use it, but a friend of mine does.

 

As for me, I'm not really a people person. I like being alone, because I'm more of a private person.

 

I'm tons better now than what I was before. The depression and loneliness was so horrible. It was like being locked in another dimension.

 

[[Wo...]]

If you are lonely and want to meet new friends, try plenty of fish. You can meet lots of interesting people there. I don't use it, but a friend of mine does.

 

As for me, I'm not really a people person. I like being alone, because I'm more of a private person.

 

I'm tons better now than what I was before. The depression and loneliness was so horrible. It was like being locked in another dimension.

 

Hey again BillyF

 

Locked in another dimension is so spot on, I call it parallel worlds as I can still see people I regonize but have no idea how I know them and then I can walk around where I live and still wonder where I am and why does it look familiar but in a erry otherworldly scary way, it's like watching your old life from afar or on a movie screen but you cant feel or touch it in real time or connect so your mind tortures you by making you belief you don't really exist and everything you see is just a dream or a recoding of your old life that will never be real again.. All my memory files are mixed up in my brain so all my thoughts of my life before benzos seems made up but in a very confusing disconnected way!

 

Feels like your dead but trapped in purgatory or trapped between worlds with no escape or way back!

 

How the damaged benzo mind tortures our every thought, it is so hard to believe that you can come back from this otherworldly place that your mind is trapped in???

 

BillyF & River Wolf, it must feel beyound amazing to have escaped this insane hell!!!!

 

Blessings to you both

 

Woofs

[[...]]

I feel terrible loneliness too and am only started on the tapering program but have come off 2 anti-depressants since March of this year also so withdrawals are ongoing since then.

 

My husband travels every week to a different country in Europe, his work, so we have a distance marriage for years, something I don't find easy and we have no life here and no life in our home in Europe. He is away too much!  He is not able to support me and all I hear is that he is finding this hard too and he is upset. I wish I could be literally alone somewhere to cope with this on my own with no stresses those who know but do not understand.

 

I have started to put MY needs first now but outside of my husband and children, nobody knows my background, nobody knows what I am feeling, I find isolated in this situation and the loneliness is crippling. I have some girl friends but they have never been on benzos just AD so I am not willing to talk to them either. I will be going to a psychotherapist soon, I hope to get support there. I need one person in my life who is constant in this process to keep me from suicide.

 

I too wonder if there will be an end in sight or will I always feel like this? I doubt myself, my ability to do it and see it to the end. I am truly afraid but thank you for posting this, I don't feel as alone as I have felt. 

 

 

[[Ma...]]

Hi Moya,

 

There are a lot of women here who can support you as you go through this.  It will get better.  And, no, people don't understand, and we have to just allow them to not understand.  We can still make it through no matter what.  It builds strength.

 

Remember to be kind to yourself and treat yourself as someone recovering from a brain injury.

And don't stay on here if it makes you feel depressed....go do something edifying like take a lovely walk or sit in a garden or the beach or a park, or go have coffee with a girlfriend.  Solitude is good, but too much isolation isn't for too long.  I know, because I tend to isolate when i'm not at my best, but throughout my whole post-cold turkey I volunteered at church so I had a purpose and a schedule.

[[...]]

I too feel very lonely on this journey but am new to it and have to say loneliness has been part of my life all of my life. I seem to be flying solo as long as I remember.

 

I have come off a few medications this year and know that the tapering of the Benzo (Diazepam) is the biggest. I am only down to 27mg and am already so afraid and alone with this. I feel anger for the first time in my life, I don't know where it has come from but I am deeply angry and will be starting therapy soon so hope to get help and strategies for my life as well as open up and work through my past. I am sure that will help me be less lonely too. For now, I am trying to just keep going out, functioning as normal and get on with life but I really just want to go to bed and was suicidal at the weekend.  My husband just keeps telling me how difficult it is for him and I can only say that I have to put myself first for once. This is difficult, not very me but I have to keep focused on doing what is right for myself. There is no other way this can work successfully and failure is a bad place for me.

 

Loneliness makes me feel so isolated, cut off and there is so much stigma attached to mediation, I cannot tell anyone about it outside of the therapist.

 

Functioning right now but very afraid and alone. Grateful to have found this site for help, thank you!!

[Guest [Mi...]]

Hi, Moya. During this ordeal, I've found that two of my friends are using AD's and I'm helping one of them come off her AD.

 

I know you feel lonely. I had the worst loneliness during my taper, but now it's getting better during my partial windows.

 

You may withdrawal a lot. Many people do. I think it's a coping strategy in order to survive this. But when we come out of the isolation, we'll reconnect with the world. Like I said, I've already found out that other people are struggling with this. Many are afraid to tell anyone.

 

With 11% of the US on antidepressants and others using benzos and small doses of antipsychotics as sleep aids, it's not that uncommon to be on these meds. When you're coming off them, however, it just seems like you're all alone.

 

But you're not. For one thing, you have us. Log in and post and you'll connect with folks 24/7.

 

Be well. 

[[...]]

Mamashoshana and Mindseeker,

Thank you for your support and belief in me. I am glad I found this thread and posted here.  I know I am not alone on this site but I am still trying to navigate around it and gosh, there is so much to read  I am sure there are many people in my country that are on this medication too but it is a stigma to be depressed or suffering from mental illness here, nobody talks about it and to go to a therapist is also unusual, something people hide > I have two girlfriends who know about my journey and they are great but don't understand benzos because they have never been on them (they are lucky). Most people are on AD and while it is not easy getting off AD, I personally found them much easier to quit and did not need support to do so. I had a really bad experience going off Ativan in 1990, was off 30 mg in 6 weeks and it set me back 10 years of my life at the time. It was replaced by Diazepam which is good I guess for me now as it is one of the better ones to taper from. I will go slowly as I want this to be a success.

 

I do voluntary work as I am retired from full time work now so I am out there, doing my best daily and I only isolate myself when I am feeling low or extremely tired.  I am in the very early stages of withdrawals, I am doing well and have to tell myself that and give myself the space and time to get well. I would love to be medication free but benzo free is the ultimate aim for now.

 

I don't rely on anyone anymore, just me and am becoming stronger and more capable as a result

 

I know the loneliness will pass. I find it really awful at night when I wake up and cannot sleep but I have found a writer and books that are easy on the mind and am going to read all of her books throughout my withdrawal process - especially when I wake up at night. I just put the light on and read a chapter or two until I feel I might sleep a bit again and off I go.....this is a good way of coping for now.

 

I am functioning and spent my life putting on masks, faking my feelings to all around me so I guess I will be able to continue doing this for as long as it takes. I wonder what it feels like to be "authentic self". I hope some day to know.

[Guest [Mi...]]

Hi, Moya. You've got such an optimistic spirit. That's awesome!

 

My goal when I started was to be benzo free, too. Then I decided I wanted to get off of everything. I've been off of everything since Friday, and other than having a hard time sleeping, I'm feeling okay.

 

I'm also interested in who I'll be after withdrawal. I've been on psych drugs for 29 years and I really want to know who I am after all these years. Started these drugs at 17, so it should be interesting.

 

Reading is good when you've got insomnia and you're trying to fill up those lonely hours. My memory and attention were so bad for several months that all I could do at night was watch old comedy shows and post on BB until I could sleep.

 

It will get better. 

[[co...]]

Wow, Mindseeker

 

Congrats for being drug-free!  Good work!!

 

Moya

 

It does get better with time...all those thoughts that are trying to tell you lies about who you are and where you're headed are 'benzo lies'.  Life will get better-you have to go thru this hell to get to the other side.  It does help to distract, to walk, to learn to be in the moment.  Your real, authentic self is waiting to emerge from underneath the pile of manure you're weighed down by now.  Like the lotus blooming thru the mud.

 

Just check in here when you need some reassurance...someone is always ready to help out.

[[...]]

Mindseeker, wow, so happy for you to be medication free, amazing!! You are younger than me, I am truly glad you have time now to enjoy life as your authentic self, go for it. I will get there too after 38 years of medication, also started when I was 18.

 

Cookienose, I love the lotus blooming through the mud, I am hopeful at some stage. I have such a long journey but I have begun so I am on the way to better things I too find focusing difficult but it is a very good writer, easy reading so working for now when the body wakes up and I need to distract it into sleep again.

[[Tr...]]

Moya,

 

I know exactly what you are feeling.  My husband and I have a unconventional marriage.  Since my benzo situation with tolerance w/d on Ativan for 2 yrs, I moved around the corner to my parents home.  My husband doesn't understand all that I am coping with.  He tells me it's all in my mind.  And, it is- my benzo brain. 

 

People around us get the luxury of choosing when they want to deal with us and our journey back to the Real Us.  We are in it without escape.  We can't have a day off.  We have to keep forging ahead.

 

I know I have shut myself off from just about everyone because I feel ashamed that I'm this way.  It's not healthy, but there are times when I need to heal alone.

 

You have a network of a lot of people here.  All going through their various journey, and you will make it.  And, sometimes we learn those that are there in a time of need and those who aren't . 

 

You are NEVER alone.

 

Try

[[...]]

Try,

Thank you for sharing your situation, we are never alone, I agree and I am so happy to have found BB, the information is amazing and empowers me. I feel better in myself and I am going out for walks, meeting friends for coffee and doing "normal" life with a day out every so often to isolate when I need to, it works and I am feeling much more confident without medication which is such a surprise. Also, less lonely recently as I just accept this is my journey and one I have chosen and want to be in.