Benzo Related Loneliness

[[Ca...]]

Rise above it as best you can, accept that others cant understand, but expect that (most) people respect that you are dealing with somethong beyond their understanding... know that this is very real for us and that those who reject that are not so healthy for us right now...

In time we will be in a position to address those relationships in a positive and healthy manner...

But right now we have to put ourselves first in many ways, and yes this can be extreemly hard and unfair in many ways, and not just on ourselves...

It is temporary, and not a failing. We Will get there...

And omg my head is spinning, i hope this makes some sense..??

 

[[ha...]]

Thank you teegirl. I have always found the church to be a compassionate and healing place and people. However, this is a unique kind of suffering that only those going through it seem to understand. I know God is still very near to us even when we feel otherwise. We will get better in time.

[[Mi...]]

Hello.

I feel very lonely now so if tapering will make me more lonely then im not sure how to survive it.

[[fi...]]

Thank you teegirl. I have always found the church to be a compassionate and healing place and people. However, this is a unique kind of suffering that only those going through it seem to understand. I know God is still very near to us even when we feel otherwise. We will get better in time.

 

[[co...]]

When people talk about they "can't feel" do they mean they can't feel any happiness or love? I mean I can feel, but it's just all sadness, despair, hopelessness etc... Does that go away or does your brain just get wired to think that way forever now? Most days I'm so bloody sick of this sh*t, that I just need to lie down in the afternoon and weep. I just think that it's been so long since I felt positive that this is now my permanent state. Which of course I won't be able to live with for much longer... and yes, very lonely, bored, frustrated, and angry. Feeling sorry for myself all of the time etc... I hate it. But I don't know how to get out of it... I've never been in such physical good shape my whole life including diet. But mentally I'm in super bad place...

 

love to all (if only in words),

[[Mi...]]

When people talk about they "can't feel" do they mean they can't feel any happiness or love? I mean I can feel, but it's just all sadness, despair, hopelessness etc... Does that go away or does your brain just get wired to think that way forever now? Most days I'm so bloody sick of this sh*t, that I just need to lie down in the afternoon and weep. I just think that it's been so long since I felt positive that this is now my permanent state. Which of course I won't be able to live with for much longer... and yes, very lonely, bored, frustrated, and angry. Feeling sorry for myself all of the time etc... I hate it. But I don't know how to get out of it... I've never been in such physical good shape my whole life including diet. But mentally I'm in super bad place...

 

love to all (if only in words),

hello, I feel the same very often and very deeply.

It gets to the point that I dream and im so sad in my dreams and separated from the world. For example one dream that I have is that its a night time, i stand under the tree and watching a building with flats and windows with lights on. And I can see that people there "just living, doin a normal everyday lives" like preparing dinners with family, watching tv, some are in families some wathcing the tv alone and laugh ect. And im so sad outside and so envy them that they feel normal with those everyday things. And I want so much to be one of them and not to feel how I feel.

And its so realistic that during the dream i feel this deep sadness.

The only thing that drags me out of this shit re the antidepressants. It never went away just on its own.

I started with anxiety and panick attacks many years ago. Then i went on benzo. Then I was depressed for the rest of the years with upside downs. So I really think that benzo made me depressive. Depressive thinking and living to that thinking. I really hope for that and when im done with benzo i wont have depression. Its my last hope.

[[Ca...]]

Yes, it is very much the benzos, a chemical change that will ballance out in time...

Awareness, acceptance and distraction help me through the worst of it... -I have learnt that its not a true reflection of life... and yes, i had some help coming to this realization...

 

But it also becomes situational after time, and for some of us this whole ordeal can last a long time indeed... I guess our reasons for being here, tapering, play a role, and I have only looked at it from my accident perspective, which are very physical, sudden and beyond my control. But the fact remains that after the chemical influences are gone, there will still be some work to be done... -mopping up and rebuilding, if you will... It would be a mistake to think that it will all suddenly fall back into place, rainbows and lollie pops...

But it could be a great opportunity, blank pages on which to write our own story... -many of us have been that pulled apart, that we really are like a blank canvas waiting for the colours of our imagination, every step forward, a choice... It will take some effort, and we might need some help, but having a plan can only be a good thing... -small steps, one after the other... -ever forward...

 

[[He...]]

Cantfly,

I've read many of your posts and answers.... you have a wonderful way of expressing yourself.

That was lovely.  Thanks for that.

[[Ca...]]

Thank you Healing...

I wasnt so sure it would make sense... -It was a wake up in the morning and have a blurt, type thing... lol

 

Be Well...

[Guest [Br...]]

Yes, it is very much the benzos, a chemical change that will ballance out in time...

Awareness, acceptance and distraction help me through the worst of it... -I have learnt that its not a true reflection of life... and yes, i had some help coming to this realization...

 

But it also becomes situational after time, and for some of us this whole ordeal can last a long time indeed... I guess our reasons for being here, tapering, play a role, and I have only looked at it from my accident perspective, which are very physical, sudden and beyond my control. But the fact remains that after the chemical influences are gone, there will still be some work to be done... -mopping up and rebuilding, if you will... It would be a mistake to think that it will all suddenly fall back into place, rainbows and lollie pops...

But it could be a great opportunity, blank pages on which to write our own story... -many of us have been that pulled apart, that we really are like a blank canvas waiting for the colours of our imagination, every step forward, a choice... It will take some effort, and we might need some help, but having a plan can only be a good thing... -small steps, one after the other... -ever forward...

 

Love this....thanks...

[[...]]

Yes, it is very much the benzos, a chemical change that will ballance out in time...

Awareness, acceptance and distraction help me through the worst of it... -I have learnt that its not a true reflection of life... and yes, i had some help coming to this realization...

 

But it also becomes situational after time, and for some of us this whole ordeal can last a long time indeed... I guess our reasons for being here, tapering, play a role, and I have only looked at it from my accident perspective, which are very physical, sudden and beyond my control. But the fact remains that after the chemical influences are gone, there will still be some work to be done... -mopping up and rebuilding, if you will... It would be a mistake to think that it will all suddenly fall back into place, rainbows and lollie pops...

But it could be a great opportunity, blank pages on which to write our own story... -many of us have been that pulled apart, that we really are like a blank canvas waiting for the colours of our imagination, every step forward, a choice... It will take some effort, and we might need some help, but having a plan can only be a good thing... -small steps, one after the other... -ever forward...

 

This is beautiful, Cant!! 

 

Yes, I have been pulled apart and left "soul-less" by a psych cocktail... no clue who I am!! 

 

Life will get easier as we regain our ability to connect, I am sure of that. In the meantime we have to keep going, whether we can try things now and then, perhaps we can surprise ourselves?...

Hugs 

[[Ca...]]

Thanks Brissie and Julez...

 

Julz, you are on the right track, The words you write (the thousands that I have read), are an insight into the process of moving forward... I find them quite encouraging, real day to day thoughts and steps...

 

Looking back one day will be a huge surprise indeed... -one that is being chemically hidden from us right now...

Trust, and follow the footsteps of those that have gone before us...

 

My best to All...

 

 

[[sw...]]

When people talk about they "can't feel" do they mean they can't feel any happiness or love? I mean I can feel, but it's just all sadness, despair, hopelessness etc... Does that go away or does your brain just get wired to think that way forever now? Most days I'm so bloody sick of this sh*t, that I just need to lie down in the afternoon and weep. I just think that it's been so long since I felt positive that this is now my permanent state. Which of course I won't be able to live with for much longer... and yes, very lonely, bored, frustrated, and angry. Feeling sorry for myself all of the time etc... I hate it. But I don't know how to get out of it... I've never been in such physical good shape my whole life including diet. But mentally I'm in super bad place...

 

love to all (if only in words),

hello, I feel the same very often and very deeply.

It gets to the point that I dream and im so sad in my dreams and separated from the world. For example one dream that I have is that its a night time, i stand under the tree and watching a building with flats and windows with lights on. And I can see that people there "just living, doin a normal everyday lives" like preparing dinners with family, watching tv, some are in families some wathcing the tv alone and laugh ect. And im so sad outside and so envy them that they feel normal with those everyday things. And I want so much to be one of them and not to feel how I feel.

And its so realistic that during the dream i feel this deep sadness.

The only thing that drags me out of this shit re the antidepressants. It never went away just on its own.

I started with anxiety and panick attacks many years ago. Then i went on benzo. Then I was depressed for the rest of the years with upside downs. So I really think that benzo made me depressive. Depressive thinking and living to that thinking. I really hope for that and when im done with benzo i wont have depression. Its my last hope.

MissNumb:

Thanks for your eloquent post. I often feel this way too. I also tend to stop reaching out because I feel I am such a downer. But nobody actually tells me that. Its my depression talking. However,  I recognize that this "Benzo W/D" depression is different than the depressions I had earlier in life before I was introduced to Benzos. So, I am quite hopeful that after I go through acute W/D, that life is going to be much. better. Possibly better than anything I have known. Because this "illness" has forced me to modify some behaviors and I now have better coping skills than before. I wish the same for you

TommyB

[[Pi...]]

Really needed to read this post...thank you ❣️

Going through the soul sucking despair & loneliness right now...

 

A black abyss’s springs to mind.I honestly wonder how am going to survive this taper of been alone

[[co...]]

Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs: from the bottom of the pyramid to the top...

 

5. Physiological Needs: Air, Food, Sleep, Water, Clothing, Shelter etc.. (Depends on where you are at in your taper)

Me: I have all of these; I am grateful.

 

4. Safety Needs: Personal Security, Employment, Resources, Health, Property... (You're lucky if you have and / or can maintain any of these)

Me: I have all of these except for health; I am grateful.

 

3. Love and Belonging: Friendship, Intimacy, Family, Sense of Connection... (You're probably pretty lucky if you still have some of these)

Me: I have some of these; but I am very lonely. My friends have all but disappeared, my family is kind of present, intimacy with my wife has all but disappeared, no sense of connection with many people.

 

2. Esteem: Respect, Self-Esteem, Status, Recognition, Strength, Freedom... (I would say most are absent in this nightmare)

Me: No respect, no self-esteem, no status, no recognition, little strength, freedom but I feel like I'm in a prison; self-made that I feel like I'll never get out of.

 

1. Self-Actualization: Desire to become the most one can be... (I think most have this desire but we're too sick to do much about it)

Me: I have the desire but never feel well enough to pursue what needs to be done. This desire grows the more that time passes.. and therefore frustration, denial, anxiety, depression. Moral structure is an important part of your psyche and when you go against everything you stand for or are forced to do so, your brain does cannot accept this is possible.

 

I posted this because, loneliness is a major part of feeling depressed. I would argue that #3 could very well be one of the most important stages in your continued development as a human being. When you are all of a sudden forced into this sense of a forced isolation you stop your development; your natural progression as a human being. It becomes all consuming because you are now missing some of the most important things in human needs development. This trial is the ultimate test in loneliness; especially if you had a career that was very social or if you had a very social life.

[[Pi...]]

That makes total sense ❣️

 

Am sorry your in this too...

 

I just feel like have completely shut down,due to all the trauma..

 

The isolation,no family around,no job...

 

I was a sales assistant & very sociable now am wreak & getting triggered by life it’s self.

 

I honestly wonder how am going to get out of this hole am sat in alone.The drive & motavation have gone...2 years have been at this & no where near finished...

 

I guess the depression is extreame & am losing footing!Its like have no control over any-thing then I start panicking..I have nobody to ring or even see any-more!

 

Humans need contact xx

[[tr...]]

I was so happy when I found this thread, although it would of course be nicer under other conditions.

I have not been able to translate all posts, but what I have read is my own mindset.

Life is like a glass bubble. The world outside the window is like another world, another country. Sometimes I don`t know what it's for today, or what it's like for the weather. Life is my sofa, the TV and the Internet. I don`t want to have a visit, or talk on the phone.

 

Sometimes I'm so sad because all I do is annoying, both TV and reading. Life just goes on - on nothing. I wait and wait, but every morning is the same.

That benso could make life so difficult for several years. Loneliness is worst.

 

Does your family and friends understand what you are going through?

[[Mi...]]

Life is like a glass bubble. The world outside the window is like another world, another country. Sometimes I don`t know what it's for today, or what it's like for the weather. Life is my sofa, the TV and the Internet. I don`t want to have a visit, or talk on the phone

 

This is how I've always felt since sometime in high school. I wanted to be in my room and not go out. I felt like I couldn't go socialize. I missed so much school I was sent to an alternative school. And I missed so much of that, that I finally told my mother I hate people and dropped out. I stayed home jobless for a few years and went to get my GED. I at least have 3 friends, 2 of which I grew up with since elementary school. One of them is my boss, she knows what I'm going through but doesn't understand. She does everything she can to help. She's a good hearted person who would do anything for me. It helps to know there are a few good people in the world outside my window. 2/3 of my friends know what I'm going through, one of them understands because he was on klonopin for many years. I recently lost 2 friends mainly because I never went to visit them anymore and they got mad everytime I'd cancel plans. I feel so lonely lately. I don't know why people like me, I cancel plans on them all the time, or ignore their phone calls, or make up excuses of why I can't come over. I'm glad I found this thread and realized I'm not the only one who feels isolated and lonely.

[[tr...]]

Sicory, you're definitely not alone. We are very many here who are having difficulty because of tolerance and abstinence. But unfortunately it`s  part of the healing to feel outside, and it feels even worse if you did before. But everyone here is very understanding because we are in the same situation.

 

How far have you come, are you still taking tablets or have you stopped?

[[Be...]]

I'm terribly lonely.  I've been housebound now for over five years and haven't done anything in all these years.  Haven't gone out to eat or swimming in the summer or sitting at the lake.  Nothing.  I'm trapped inside this sick body and mind now and can't get out.  The only time I go out in the car is for an emergency or when I need to start it up and take it for a drive if it's cold.  My personal text on here reads, "I'm in hell," and it's so true.  I have too much stress on me each day.  I live alone with only my cat and no one else.  I can't even talk on the phone now with my one friend whom I used to call nearly everyday and we'd go out to dinner alot and do things.  I can even talk anymore without stuttering and going mute. 

[[Mi...]]

Sicory, you're definitely not alone. We are very many here who are having difficulty because of tolerance and abstinence. But unfortunately it`s  part of the healing to feel outside, and it feels even worse if you did before. But everyone here is very understanding because we are in the same situation.

 

How far have you come, are you still taking tablets or have you stopped?

 

Thank you. I hate feeling anti social again. But I'm tired of using something to mask it. I am not a long term user so I'm hoping I can make a faster recovery than most of the stories I read here. I just try to stay positive.

 

As for how far along I am, I started using illicitly last year around July/August I think, I don't remember exactly. My ex wanted me to quit suboxone. Opiates made me feel social and I had to use suboxone to quit opiates. Then I started using xanax heavily to make it through withdrawals and found myself stuck on xanax. Just kept jumping from one thing to the next. I liked how benzos made me feel at first, I felt "normal." My ex and I broke up and ended the lease on the apartment and I started using very heavily daily. I think it was around November when I kept trying cold turkey and would find myself on a higher dose. This week I had to cut by force from 6mg to 2mg to avoid running out completely. I believe this is day 3 on 2mg. I am seeing an addiction specialist on February 26th to taper me down.

[[tr...]]

Sicory and Becksblue: Now I don`t  know what you have for other diagnoses that don`t  have with benzo to do.

But I now understand why I felt so bad even though I was on high dose Xanor. The more I took the worse I became. In the last months I was getting crazy. Had anxiety so I couldn`t be among people, could sometimes feel chased. The couch was my only security zone.

I didn`t want to be among other people, or answer the phone. Be afraid of anything that would make me even worse - and that was basically everything. I also lost the voice, and it didn`t  work until I left benzo. It should also be a symptom of tolerance.

 

What I also recognize was that I stumbled hard during the last months. I also got stare glance, and red spots on my throat and face because I was so stressed. Could walk around and pull out, and look in, boxes.

Also had severel sleep problems even though I was on sleeping pills, 5-6 hours every third night. Now it`s excellent.

 

This caused me to quit CT even though I realized it was crazy. It had to wear or burst. But it's absolutely nothing I recommend, the tablets must be slowly put out. I also had many other strange symptoms with severel aches, weaknesses and a sense of ants throughout the body.

 

As I said, I don`t know what you have for other diagnoses. But for my part I now understand that there was tolerance of benzo that made me feel so bad. I have also read about many others who have experienced the same thing. Benzo should not really be printed for more than 6-8 weeks, as it may already be addicted. Then there is a high risk that you may experience problems similar to withdrawal, including insomnia and severe anxiety.

So my very best choice here in life was to end benzo. I now understand that this was what made me so sick, and that I wouldn`t  get better until I stopped and healed from the withdrawal.

 

If you didn`t have these problems before benzo there is a lot of hope that in future you will feel so much better. We are many who feel very lonely, but we have each other, and support and show all understanding!

 

 

 

 

[[Un...]]

I'm so relieved to have found this thread.  I didn't realize the loneliness was a thing.  It's been one of my most unbearable experiences and even though I only made it 35 days off Klonopin off a c/t detox (doctor reinstated to do a taper instead), I am feeling so extremely lonely.  Disconnected to non-stop suffering degree.  I have never ever felt anything like this before.  I'm so sorry all of you are too suffering, but see that some have been getting better with this. 

 

I wish I had friends to spend time with but I just don't right now.  Seems like everyone has disappeared and gotten busy in their own lives.  I'll have occasional text messages from a few, but I feel I need in person company just to sit with.  Even if we don't talk. I'm blessed to have my husband but he is at work most of the day so I am alone most of the time.  It is so painful being alone wiht my own thoughts, fears, loneliness, dread....  nothing interests me.  I don't feel I will survive this.  Ive often wondered if one can die from loneliness.  I thought it was just me going through this.  But, seeing so many of you here and surviving, that's hopeful. 

 

I am normally social, balanced with alone time.  This is something completely different.  Alone time feels like my skin has been ripped off and so raw.  But even when I try to feel a connection, it's so incredibly blunted it too feels painful.  I wish someone would just sit with me so I'm not in this loud silence of my own thoughts and fears, that I can't control. 

[[...]]

Loneliness has taken multiple forms. While on drugs, I was lonely without feeling lonely. The idea of having a fun social life was just that... something which was a good idea. But in reality, when I tried to break my routine and the comfort of my drug-induced solitude... there was little fun. I always felt disconnected from others, from whatever drived them.

 

I am normally social, balanced with alone time.  This is something completely different.  Alone time feels like my skin has been ripped off and so raw.  But even when I try to feel a connection, it's so incredibly blunted it too feels painful.  I wish someone would just sit with me so I'm not in this loud silence of my own thoughts and fears, that I can't control.

 

Exactly! Before drugs, I too was "balanced" (lol) between social activities and alone time. I enjoyed both. Now that I am off drugs, "the nothingness of my brain" gets unbearable, perhaps with a hint of mental akathisia and that dreaded anhedonia... I just have so much trouble distracting on my own that I avoid being alone. I'd call this monophobia even if it is not a "phobia" so to speak.

 

But all in all, I think trying to connect with people is POSITIVE. It is a step towards LIFE. Comfort in solitude with no social life, the way I was on drugs... that surely can't be "healthy"!...

 

Sending healing hugs to all lonely Buddies 

Julz xx

[[tr...]]

Unicorn, we are many here who have difficulty, and suffer every little moment. But thankfully, there's BB, have never been treated in such a wonderful way. Even though we explain our symptoms in different ways, we actually feel about the same thing.

 

I'm divorced in terms of loneliness, I both want, and don`t want to be with other people. I get help once a week to get home food, and hardly I can handle that short moment. I feel so lonely, but at the same time I'm just waiting to be myself again. I don`t know what I want, but the body and mind feels so annoyed, and I'm so tired of myself.

 

I try to be positive with meditation and mindfulness. But for the most part, I only get more anxiety, and rushes up from the sofa. This is really a strange situation, the nerves sit outside the skin, and I'm restless and powerless at one time. Now it has been 27 months, and in the last 15 months there has been status quo without any windows. But Unicorn, we're gonna do this, it's coming for us too!