Benzo Related Loneliness

[[...]]

Cookienose,

 

You've got to remind yourself that this is the benzos talking. Although ur post taper it may take mos even a year for ur receptors to unregulate,it will happen and youll have a different outlook on life. When I went into tolerance w/d, I felt very suicidal. My brain was telling me life wasn't worth living that I was a failure and no one cared about me. These are all lies planted by the effing benzos.

 

There are programs, facilities to help with ur living condition. Please look into them and maybe ur outlook will improve.

 

Jim

[[co...]]

Nah, there really aren't.

 

There is no 'safety net' out there-losers like me are a burden on the system.  I am useless unless I am contributing to the economy as either a worker or a consumer.

 

The 'system' is on it's way to self destruction...anyone with eyes can see this; constant growth is called CANCER-we are killing the planet...there are too many people and the resources finite.

[[...]]

Cookienose,

 

Surely there must be something worth living for. Have u tried seeing a counselor?

 

I believe in an afterlife and that life here comes with a certain amount of suffering so we will live for that which is eternal.

 

Jim

[[co...]]

I can't afford a counselor, Jwl, and I believe we are merely stardust...thanks for trying to help.  I appreciate kindness when I find it.  Good luck to you on this journey thru hell.

 

I do have a few good friends...I cherish them.

[[...]]

cookienose,

There are free mental health services for people who are suicidal where I come from so I am sure there must be something where you are. There is cheap counselling too, whatever a person can pay, depending on social situation. 

 

I am glad you have friends, keep them close to you if you can right now and get advice on reclaiming your life  You have come so far with coming off medication, you are sane, intelligent and can contribute to life. You are not bad, nobody is bad, circumstances just make it so.  I hope you can try to find help to get your life back together again - to get work, to start a new life because you deserve that. I don't know how you got to a homeless state but you seem fairly together now, how can you get yourself out of it?

 

I don't have contact with my family. We can choose our friends but not our family. My family has always been a lost cause, I am better without them and walking away from trying to get them back was the best thing I ever did for myself. I have not looked back and since then, I have received apologies that I don't need anymore or care about. I am my own destiny, I have lost the baggage and moved on.

 

We take control of our lives, chart our paths and keep moving in the direction that serves us well. The past is there, it is crap but it is part of who we are and we have to let go of it or it will consume. Not easy to do but start caring about yourself, start caring for your needs and wants and forget what anyone said, it is not relevant. Days pass, weeks pass, we have to change ourselves, we have to find something to live for and pursue it but let the past go ......it takes time but distance and no contact at all, you need to heal from the traumas and look forward.

 

Best wishes Moya x

 

 

[[co...]]

Thank you Moya for your thoughtful reply.  I appreciate your comments; my fear is always that because my past has been so full of betrayal and pain, how could my future possibly be any different.  I am so tired of being alone...making 'new friends' right now with the d/p and d/r, the agoraphobia going on-the fact that I'm stuck in a milieu of dysfunction in my community (I live in an area where all the money comes from marijuana)-even if I did find a comfortable social scene-I'd be afraid to trust my relationships because of all the bad choices I've made in the past.

 

If you're suicidal you're given drugs...I've already done that and I'm here to tell you-after 15 years of trying to find 'the right combination'-they disabled me more than the initial trauma. The drugs messed with my 'brain chemistry' and I want my brain back.  That's why I'm here.

 

No-there really isn't any counseling available here.  I have been calling a 'warm line' when desperate to talk...it has helped; sometimes it is all I need just to make it thru the day.

 

I hope your recovery is progressing in a way that is manageable, I admire your spunk to leave the 'baggage' behind...I'm done with being abused by people who supposedly 'love' me-they have never been there for me anyway, so why beat my head against a wall?

 

Take good care...

[[...]]

Cookienose,

Trust is difficult in all walks of life and because your past has been full of betrayal, you expect the future to be the same but that is in your hands. You come across intelligent to me,  I am sure you can see who serves you well and who does not. To walk away from those that are not helpful to your recovery is recovery and healing. To be alone is difficult but you learn to rely on yourself, be certain of who you are and what you stand for and to be unafraid of yourself makes you unafraid of others. Try to trust yourself more to enforce change.

I am glad you found the "warm line". There are more like that, even one for loneliness.

I understand your fear of medication if you do come in contact with some services. That is a real fear but I hope that you find the right person to help you onwards and upwards to wellness now that you are off medication. It is a great place to be wherever you are and the right stepping stones to a better future. Take heart and trust yourself to make your future a good one, not one of betrayal and just watch out for people who are likely to be this way towards you There are lots of people to not trust but equally lots to trust. You have a gut instinct, go with it. Wishing you well.

[Guest [IB...]]

Native and Cookienose - 

 

I want to give you some hope and perspective -  the experiences that you have endured are extremely difficult under normal conditions. When you combine these experiences with benzo use and withdrawal it can feel impossible to get through.

 

For context, I want to share some background. My wd was brutal, and I had a very nurturing environment during withdrawal and the long recovery. I became afraid of my cat. I was terrified of my gardeners. And I had the best cat in the world - and the same with the gardeners.

 

Withdrawal makes everything in your world exaggerated and more negative. When you get through the period that you are in now, your world will begin to reassemble itself into a kinder and more comfortable place.

 

You cannot see this now, but those of us who have been through it know this. As your recovery progresses, the disturbing emotions that you are experiencing now will diminish, and you will begin to feel the more positive emotions of understanding, compassion, and love.

 

You WILL recover your lives. You do not have to believe it now. It will happen  - you just have to get through this difficult time and your recovery will include a new and better life.

 

My life became a disaster due to benzos, and I was absolutely certain that I would not survive my benzo wd and recovery  -  and now I am loving my new more than ever before.  This can happen to you too.

 

Right now, your brain is producing a flood of negative emotions. The process of wd also cuts us off from feeling the greater aspects of ourselves - the part of us that feels connected to life itself. The loss of this connection combined with the negative emotions makes us project into our perceived future a negative story.

 

This negative story is a lie - you will see this in time.

 

Get through this rough period and your lives will take on new meaning.

 

In time, you will see. 

 

 

 

 

River 

 

 

 

river, you explain WD so perfectly to a T!!!

I am 3 years off now and suffered a horrendous wave from months 32-34. One of my worst and then I had such amazing improvements. I thought for sure I was coming out if this now but after a couple of great weeks things have slowly descended back to a really crappy baseline. One that you just explained. I'm stuck in that gross parallel again where I feel I have no soul again and am disconnected and feel lonely and depressed all day long with bad DR and DP and fear most times. Where it's hard again to even do chores etc. I'm very discouraged as for the first time since my fast taper then ct, I was feeling truly wonderful moments and days. Why would I regress? Don't most get improved baselines after good windows after a a big bad wave? Is my brain just not understanding how to rewire ?

I also wanted to ask you, when you began to feel normal again, was it over night or did you waver a lot? Did you feel normal and good and then step back etc? Can you explain this a little bit?

BTW. I came off ssri's  and oddly, I relate perfectly to benso ct's rather than ssri cases. I have always followed the benzo protracted WD cases much more to the T. I wonder why that is? I've heard people say the WD is different. Not in my case at all.

I also notice you felt all this just during tapering? I felt this at tolerance and tapering and why am I still feeling this way 3 years later? Can it be possible some peoples brains stay permanently damaged?

Again I love your descriptions and I have book marked them. You know exactly what this scary parallel is like being in.

[[...]]

Feel like queen of loneliness and desolation....

 

What happen to eastcoast62....

[[...]]

Feel like queen of loneliness and desolation....

 

What happen to eastcoast62....

 

Idem

 

 

Just wondering....

If I could somehow feel reality....

My loneliness related to divorce and separation from my child....

 

Would be less painful.....

 

RIVER.what do you think?

[[...]]

Feel like queen of loneliness and desolation....

 

What happen to eastcoast62....

 

Idem

 

 

Just wondering....

If I could somehow feel reality....

My loneliness related to divorce and separation from my child....

 

Would be less painful.....

 

RIVER.what do you think?

 

Anyone?

[[Ri...]]

Feel like queen of loneliness and desolation....

 

What happen to eastcoast62....

 

Idem

 

 

Just wondering....

If I could somehow feel reality....

My loneliness related to divorce and separation from my child....

 

Would be less painful.....

 

RIVER.what do you think?

 

Anyone?

 

 

I am so sorry that you have to go through this under these conditions . . .

 

I really am sorry for your situation. The important thing is to allow for the possibility that you will be happy again.

 

You do not have to believe it - you probably can not believe it due to the effects of the wd. . .

 

 

But the future has a way of working out so much better than you can ever imagine . . .

[[...]]

Feel like queen of loneliness and desolation....

 

What happen to eastcoast62....

 

Idem

 

 

Just wondering....

If I could somehow feel reality....

My loneliness related to divorce and separation from my child....

 

Would be less painful.....

 

RIVER.what do you think?

 

Anyone?

 

 

I am so sorry that you have to go through this under these conditions . . .

 

I really am sorry for your situation. The important thing is to allow for the possibility that you will be happy again.

 

You do not have to believe it - you probably can not believe it due to the effects of the wd. . .

 

 

But the future has a way of working out so much better than you can ever imagine . . .

 

 

Thanks River...really...

You know  well  that im having really not easy ride since my first xanax ct....

 

Love

Eva

[[Be...]]

Eva, I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your w/d with a divorce and child separation.  Just wanted to send my prayers to you. 

[[...]]

Eva, I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your w/d with a divorce and child separation.  Just wanted to send my prayers to you.

t

 

Thank you...BB..

Im also prayimg for my daughters and my husbands hapiness....

I love them...

 

I will be fine....

Dr.depression.pain and loneliness cant kill you....

 

Peace

And

Love

EVA

[[...]]

Just letting you know...

Im blocking all incoming pm...

 

 

There are things in life much scarier than constantly being

Disconected from reality....

 

I wrote very long letter yesterday to my husband....

He didmt reply....

 

Not sure how to make it through today

[[...]]

I'm really grateful for all the stories here... Before I started this benzo journey, I was already isolating (falling into depression and then a breakdown) but then I came back and was able to interact with people more normally. Didn't have a clear plan for my life, but was able to be with others. Gradually I started taking more ativan (then cross-tapered to valium) this time last year until was at 2 mg/day in summer 2014. Just taking the med - never mind the tapering off - made me feel more isolated. Now tapering off, the loneliness is like a wall.

 

Yes, I'm alone, but the feeling of fear of never being able to really connect with another person - that's with me a lot. This board gives me some hope that my brain will heal and I will be able to connect again.

 

 

[[go...]]

I've been completely clean since July 2014 and I had horrible issues with loneliness.

 

Proof in the pudding people.  I'm not feeling it anymore.  It does go away... so gradually until one day you realize the feeling is gone. 

 

It does get better!

[[MT...]]

Part of my loneliness is that it feels like everyone's life around me is moving forward and I'm either going backwards or standing still. I feel disconnected from others and wary of asking for support because I've been a mess for so long. So I keep faking it and that's exhausting. I wonder how I can keep feeling like this since I can get to feeling pretty desperate. My spirits were actually better for months 2 and 3 than they are now in month 4. How are you folks doing it?

[[va...]]

well , technically

every human being is lonely...

no matter how many family and relatives and loved ones he has...

even if you stayed with the person of your dreams you still would be lonely ...

:idiot:

[[ch...]]

Not knowing that I was addicted, I was going into WD every day......the loneliness and despair I felt w :thumbsup:as crushing.

I feel SO MUCH better that was/is imposed upon me by the benzo....

[[MT...]]

It's helpful to hear this is another stupid symptom that gets better.

[[ch...]]

It is already better, just knowing that is part of WD.

 

I am no longer freaking out everyday.

[[no...]]

Not knowing that I was addicted, I was going into WD every day......the loneliness and despair I felt w :thumbsup:as crushing.

I feel SO MUCH better that was/is imposed upon me by the benzo....

 

I have also Isolated myself as I can't even handle a pleasant phone conversation without my sxs really revving up and more kicking off, but I am aware its all Benzo related and right now being alone with how I'm feeling mentally and physically being alone is easier in this time and place.

 

I was engaged but after over 8 year's of unknowingly being in tolerance withdrawal, my Fiance dumped me as he thought i was  just an attention seeking Hypochondriac and there was nothing wrong with me.

 

Nova xxxx  :smitten:

[[ch...]]

Knowledge is our most potent weapon. Knowing that we are being manipulated chemically and knowing that we are completely alone is a great comfort (to me).

"It will get better, but it will get worse first".