Benzo Related Loneliness

[[Sl...]]

My loneliness is making me realize how insignificant and disposable I am. Apart from a couple of close friends there has not been a single person in my family who has cared to ask me how I am, least of all my parents. Everyone including my parents who I live with thinks I am just a loony who has lost his marbles, that I have some imagined fear, that I am a lost cause  .

The DR and dizziness keeps me indoors most of the time so I can't even hang out at public places to break out of this madness.

This absence of social contact is unbelievable, unbearable.

 

You can change it, hurtbrain.  I was there several months ago.  Time and healing will do it.

You went cold turkey on a powerful drug;  we've seen others who've done that post about

ongoing issues cropping up after months.

 

I'm hoping you can find a good therapist to help you through this period in your life, because

that is what it is:  a period in your life that will pass as the drug's influence wears off. 

 

The dp is one of the last to go, but it goes!  It lifts away and takes you by surprise.  It'll

return less and less frequently.

 

I'd advise getting a routine going outside and inside.  Walks and/or runs and/or bike rides,

exercise and interaction with people as hard as it all is can really start the juices flowing

in a person's life. 

 

You will heal, my friend.   

 

- Slappy

[[Wo...]]

My loneliness is making me realize how insignificant and disposable I am. Apart from a couple of close friends there has not been a single person in my family who has cared to ask me how I am, least of all my parents. Everyone including my parents who I live with thinks I am just a loony who has lost his marbles, that I have some imagined fear, that I am a lost cause  .

The DR and dizziness keeps me indoors most of the time so I can't even hang out at public places to break out of this madness.

This absence of social contact is unbelievable, unbearable.

 

I feel for you hurtbrain

 

Someday you will get you back and then your parents will finally realize it was very real, now they have nothing to compare you with.

 

Its family and friends lack of belief that makes this journey so discouraging and lonely, I would not wish this type of suffering on anybody ever but some days when nobody believes me how torturous it is the anger takes over and my warped brain says I would like to put you through if for 1 day and see how you cope.

 

We just want people to believe us and it hurts when they don't, but I know its impossible to believe a drug you stopped 18 months ago can still be the cause.

 

We only believe it cause we are going through it, this does not mean we would believe it if someone else was going through it.

 

It is too far fetched and too other worldly for anyone normal to even relate to it.

 

My mind is fried as you know, my thoughts are altered, my emotions are all over the place and I no longer know what is real or what I even am or who I am, but I still know who and what I was before and I want me back.

 

If the DP DR would just go then I believe the rest would fall away, this fake alien feeling is what stops me from claiming my life back, its just the longer it goes on the more permanent it feels, im even scared of reality coming back after been this way so long, im not even sure I will know if the old me is back and im worried if I do come back that person I used to be will also feel fake and alien.

 

Its so messed up, its no wonder we feel so messed up, some days I feel possessed, not in an evil way, just feel im not me anymore and me never was, my life before was the dream and this is reality.

 

See, if my family read this they would believe more so that ive lost it, rather than what's really happened to me was caused by benzos.

 

Be Well Buddy, Be Healed

 

Woofs

[[Sl...]]

Before I got into therapy this video gave me some basics and the dp had already

been exposed for what it is:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9yxW_8CoNI

 

During therapy it just went away, mostly because of what's brought out in that

video and also reiterated in my talk therapy sessions.   

 

Maybe it'll help some here with this scary but curable little bug called "dp/dr." 

 

- Slappy

[[hu...]]

Hi Slappy,

 

I checked out the video link and one thing that really makes complete sense which is stuck in my mind is - "distraction". I know how important it is to distract myself from the symptoms but without proper social interaction it is really difficult for me. I am also trying to spend time outside and create a routine but in addition to DR, the dizziness, loss of coordination, extreme fatigue, brain fog, muscular tension and other physical symptoms are not allowing me to go too far outside for too long.

 

If the DP DR would just go then I believe the rest would fall away, this fake alien feeling is what stops me from claiming my life back, its just the longer it goes on the more permanent it feels, im even scared of reality coming back after been this way so long, im not even sure I will know if the old me is back and im worried if I do come back that person I used to be will also feel fake and alien.

Woofs,

I too wonder if I would be able to know when I have come out of this DR mess and feel normal and happy to be myself again. Not knowing when this will end and not being able to give a clear picture to others is the hardest thing to digest. Everybody is so caught up with deadlines that if you can't give a clear date as to when you will be healed, everyone starts to panic and go crazy.

For DR and anxiety to fade away I need regular social interaction which I can have only when DR and other physical symptoms are reduced significantly, catch-22?

 

Thanks guys for the support and wish you a speedy recovery.

 

[[Ri...]]

My loneliness is making me realize how insignificant and disposable I am. Apart from a couple of close friends there has not been a single person in my family who has cared to ask me how I am, least of all my parents. Everyone including my parents who I live with thinks I am just a loony who has lost his marbles, that I have some imagined fear, that I am a lost cause  .

The DR and dizziness keeps me indoors most of the time so I can't even hang out at public places to break out of this madness.

This absence of social contact is unbelievable, unbearable.

 

My loneliness is making me realize how insignificant and disposable I am.

 

 

I felt this way too, HurtBrain. It is not true, but it really FEELS like it. 

 

The benzos are designed to reduce our anxiety by tranquilizing us and blocking our feelings. The problem is, that the benzo is not selective in blocking just the anxiety related feelings, but it also blocks those that are vital for us to effectively relate to our place in the Universe.  This is not the time to go into existential philosophies, but the truth is, that we are ALL significant and we are ALL  a necessary part of the cosmic system. The benzos are just lying to us again.  See the Benzo Lies Thread  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=87594.0

 

 

 

Apart from a couple of close friends there has not been a single person in my family who has cared to ask me how I am, least of all my parents. Everyone including my parents who I live with thinks I am just a loony who has lost his marbles, that I have some imagined fear, that I am a lost cause  .

 

 

 

That really hurts, doesn’t it?    This was a rough one for me.

 

One of the problems with psych drug recovery is that it scares people. Psych drug recovery involves aspects of the slimy underbelly of drug addiction combined with some of the frightening components of treating mental illness with drugs. You put these two together and present yourself to the average person and they want to RUN! 

 

When I was telling my friends about the difficulties of my recovery I could see and feel them back away.  This is just one of the things we have to deal with – it goes with the territory. As if the pain and suffering is not enough, then we are dismissed as being delusional on top of it.

 

So, we have to try and understand the interpersonal dynamics associated with benzo recovery and adapt to it the best we can. Our family and friends CAN NOT understand what we are going through unless they experience it themselves.  That is just the way it is. It hurts, and it comes right when we need love, support and understanding the most.

 

 

See the Benzo Recovery as a Brain Injury Thread -    http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=96416.msg1233697#msg1233697

 

 

 

The DR and dizziness keeps me indoors most of the time so I can't even hang out at public places to break out of this madness.

This absence of social contact is unbelievable, unbearable.

 

 

 

I don’t have the same history with this as you do – I wanted to be alone – I felt too awkward in social situations because I was so frightened and disoriented from the DP and DR. Would the internet help you in this area? IDK.

 

 

But here’s the deal – you WILL be ok in time. It WILL pass, and you will get your life back.  The benzos have a way of acting on our psyches at a fundamental level that convinces us that we are screwed -  But this is just another withdrawal symptom. You will realize this in time.

 

Take it one day at a time – throw away the calendar – let it be what it is going to be, and you will make it. Don’t add to your suffering by piling conditions on your recovery like fighting against what is, and when you are going to heal. See the Second Arrow Teaching Story thread -  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=97718.msg1251408#msg1251408

 

 

 

 

 

River 

 

[[hu...]]

Thanks River.

I've read those threads just now. I think I need to learn to throw away the calendar and stop expecting a miracle every morning.

I don’t have the same history with this as you do – I wanted to be alone – I felt too awkward in social situations because I was so frightened and disoriented from the DP and DR. Would the internet help you in this area? IDK.

I've had the fear, panic, wanting to be alone feeling too. But at times during windows I want to get comfortable with being in public amongst real people. When I try it I am slammed by a wave that increases my anxiety.

 

[[su...]]

Hi Slappy,

Good one, thanks!

I wonder, if maybe the reason we sometimes recover suddenly is when that loop on anxiety of anxiety drops back enough that it breaks and stops running.

I'm sure the very brain chemistry improves vastly once that happens.

In a strange way, getting used to the illness is it's own cure, once it stopps bothering you, by definition, it go's away!

That's over simplistic, but for me, it did seem to go that way!

 

[[Sl...]]

Hi Slappy,

Good one, thanks!

I wonder, if maybe the reason we sometimes recover suddenly is when that loop on anxiety of anxiety drops back enough that it breaks and stops running.

I'm sure the very brain chemistry improves vastly once that happens.

In a strange way, getting used to the illness is it's own cure, once it stopps bothering you, by definition, it go's away!

That's over simplistic, but for me, it did seem to go that way!

 

I think you've got something there, on the "anxiety of anxiety" thing.  We beat the hell out of

ourselves when we detect a "wrong" feeling for some reason or other.  It's like we're being

our own worst nightmare, living out some Big Lie that we keep telling ourselves.

 

It must be trained behavior, coming out of our early life, at times.  We're parenting ourselves

in terrible ways sometimes.  Thus that "loop" you mention.  Bad feeling then bad thoughts

about the bad feeling then more bad feelings and on and on. 

 

It's very healing to stop that cycle.  To see it in action in ourselves then just stop and love

ourselves enough to say, "Hey.. those bad feelings are over-the-top for this situation.  They

are not appropriate.  I'm not in a hospital dying of cancer or anything.  I'm just in my house

sitting here and it's ok.  I have plenty to eat.  I am warm enough.  I am not any of the bad

things (fill in the blank) always said I was.  I'm fine.  I want to heal and that is a sign that

I'm worth healing and will heal!" 

 

- Slappy

[[Ra...]]

Love that post Slappy, I get any symptoms of anxiety and it seems that's all I can concentrate on, it's hard to shift my mind away from it, it takes practice for sure.

[[su...]]

Yes, although, I think in the early intence stages, it's so in your face that you can't do this, but once it drops back after perhaps 6 months to a year, and you can isolate it, and fully accept that it's just chemistry doing it's thing, and it is getting better, and the issues that fed all the intrusive thoughts have burned out, it can then happen.

You can wake up with the gut rumbles and the anxiety stuff, and even though it's there, you're so used to it that you genuinely ignore it and get on with your day.

In about 20 minutes max, it's gone!

and I'd say that's probably a bad day!

Thinking about it and being scared of it feeds it, and it grows.

As I said earlier, I suspect that's why healing can be so sudden, perhaps it's almost a realisation, an acceptance, and when it looses its power over you, it all collapses and you get your normal peaceful self back again.

I wonder how many of us particualarly really long termers, may actually be running a self perpetuating fear of fear loop rather than prolonged WD.

I'm not invalidating anyone, but I'm sure it was a big factor in my own experience!

 

[[Ra...]]

Yes, although, I think in the early intence stages, it's so in your face that you can't do this, but once it drops back after perhaps 6 months to a year, and you can isolate it, and fully accept that it's just chemistry doing it's thing, and it is getting better, and the issues that fed all the intrusive thoughts have burned out, it can then happen.

You can wake up with the gut rumbles and the anxiety stuff, and even though it's there, you're so used to it that you genuinely ignore it and get on with your day.

In about 20 minutes max, it's gone!

and I'd say that's probably a bad day!

Thinking about it and being scared of it feeds it, and it grows.

As I said earlier, I suspect that's why healing can be so sudden, perhaps it's almost a realisation, an acceptance, and when it looses its power over you, it all collapses and you get your normal peaceful self back again.

I wonder how many of us particualarly really long termers, may actually be running a self perpetuating fear of fear loop rather than prolonged WD.

I'm not invalidating anyone, but I'm sure it was a big factor in my own experience!

 

What you say makes perfect sense.  A certain amount of acceptance is necessary, but in the really intense early times, it's SO hard to just let it flow through you.  I think I may get better at it with time, but those physical symptoms, heart palps really get me revvd up. 

[[bk...]]

Several things you have explained  I needed to hear. I love my family so much but I have felt so lonely with a house full of my family.  I prefer to be alone and I don't want anybody to want anything  from me.  I have noticed, the longer my withdrawal, people seem to think thats long enough and basically just think I am talking to long, they just don't don't get it, and that can be hard, that is why I need this site. Thanks for your post, helped a lot.      Kay

[[Sl...]]

Exercise and eating well and walks and doing things that we're supposed to be

doing despite our struggle seems to really help me with the healing process.

 

I began doing those things as a sort of distraction from the mental hell.. to just

get away from it (pretend like I was getting away from it). 

 

But to my surprise it's taking over.  The healthy stuff is pushing out the unhealthy

thinking and dp etc.  Of course the taper, being on less and less of the poison,

is helping, too. 

 

- Slappy

[[su...]]

Hi Rabbit11, bkbkjxxx, and slappy,

Re the heart palps,

Yes, I think it would scare me too, but I think once it's happend for the 10,000th time, and you know for sure that you survived all the past ones, it's going to stop being scary because you know it won't hurt you.

It's almost like those recurring bad dreams, once you accept it, it looses its power to frighten and you suddenly feel way better!

 

Slappy, Yes, definitely, and I found someone around who is fortunately interested in going out and doing stuff with me, and I think it's definitely helped!

I even do a couple of drinks here and there, and generally overall, think I'm getting way better faster.

 

The deceptive thing about WD, is that it feels so intence, so chemical, that you think it just won't budge, but it is amazing that ones own psycology can of its self turn it around and a good mood generates good mood chemicals such as serotonin, and suddenly we've made a quantum leap for healing.

We all get closer and closer to this point as we heal and the strength of the loop drops until we get to the point where we can break it, often once and for all, and strangely, I found it can all end with one last big nasty wave!

 

[[Ri...]]

I'm having heart palps and I'm 18 months out.

 

It seems they started when I started on the benzo.

 

 

Who knows if it's from the benzos. IDK.

 

I am certainly not going to start a prescription cascade to get a handle on it.

 

Some people would.    They'd go to the doc - " Here, take this. . . "didn't work?" . . . Take this" . . . - " let's try this . . .  ". . . let's try these two together" .  .  .  "Not feeling good, eh?"  "Well let's add these two, and take that one away" .  .  . 

 

Meanwhile your poor brain is on it's knees begging for homeostasis. .  .

 

.  .  ."Leave me alone!"

 

 

 

I think this is one of the hardest parts of wd - when to bet and when to hold.

 

Same with going to the ER. I had my bag packed about 6 times and had my hand on the phone.

 

But I just could not do it - even though I was freaking out to the max.

 

It turned out that I was ok, and staying home and riding it out was the best thing it seems.

 

I really think that my decisions to ride it out was my saving grace. Yes my taper was brutal - but something tells me it would have been worse had I allowed my wd symptoms to be poly drugged like they wanted to. In my case, "just say no" worked for me - at least if I am congruent with my intuition.

 

 

I'm not saying do what I did - just saying that it is a tough part of this crazy ride. It seems that most people do the best when they just ride it out and let their body heal.

It takes time to grow nerve cells - and that's what we are doing.

 

Receptors need to be regrown. The benzos physically alter the structure of the nerve cells and they need to grow back to their original architecture.

 

 

. . . and this takes time.

 

 

That is why throwing out the calendar is one of the most effective strategies we have.

 

Deal with today, and tomorrow will take care of itself.

 

 

 

 

 

River 

[[su...]]

Hi River, Yes, I did same thing, Played a bit with various suppliments, Ginkgo for example, and some seemed to help, some did nothing!

My doc would have had me n remron/avansa, but I took one, and *never again*!

So, I braved it like you did, and I think I'm glad I did!

Time will fix, and I really think, too, for those who had pre existing anxiety etc, much of the issues that caused all this will have been force processed with the intrusive thoughts during WD.

I think Many people will end up coming out of this actually better than before they went in, and there are testimonials to suggest this!

so, we are all, really, looking at an ultimate result of baseline or better in the end!

 

[[Ri...]]

.

I think Many people will end up coming out of this actually better than before they went in, and there are testimonials to suggest this!

so, we are all, really, looking at an ultimate result of baseline or better in the end!

 

I am one of those who is actually better off.

 

The 2 years of intense crying and suffering somehow processed out a lot of emotional pain that I was carrying from childhood.

 

After the wd symptoms abated, I noticed to my surprise that the emotional pain that I was holding in my solar plexus for more than 40 years was gone.

 

What a trip.

 

 

As my taper became smaller and smaller in my rear view mirror, I realized that I was actually happier than I was before - much happier.

 

As brutal as my wd was, I can really say that on one level I'm glad it happened - no way would I want to go through it again though.

 

 

I feel like I have vanquished a dragon or something - and I have a lot of self - respect as a result. I hold myself now like I have accomplished something very significant - because a long, difficult benzo wd  IS something very significant in ones life.

 

I have a new self - concept along with my new identity - a healthier and more solid emotional foundation it feels like.

 

And this can happen to you when you are done too.

 

 

So if you are still suffering, please keep moving forward no matter how difficult it may be,  because there are benefits on the other side that you cannot possibly imagine.

 

 

If you are depersonalized and disconnected from life and do not have hope like I did, just take it a day at a time and don't try to understand - just keep going and you will see in time. 

 

This is where the knowledge of those who have gone before you here on the forum come into play when your faith and hope is long gone - blocked as a result of the benzo tranquilizing action.

 

But your nervous system will repair itself, and you will heal and come back from the edge.

 

 

 

You CAN do it.   

 

 

 

 

River 

 

 

 

[[Sl...]]

Interesting that this subject is coming up in different threads here by different

people.  I was just reading a post in the "How old are you?" thread I started,

by a 65 year-old who expresses similar sentiments:  feeling better than ever.

 

It seems to creep up on people as they taper off then jump;  at some point,

some of them at least, come around to just feeling healthier physically and

mentally.

 

Lucky them.   

 

Hoping for my own healing to be like that,

 

- Slappy

[Guest [Mo...]]

Wait! Wait! What!!?

River, this is exactly what's happening to me. I read the first part of your mail and didn't even finish the rest.

I kept crying, crying and it always goes right to the solar plexus.

My whole life it has been like that.

 

I always get nauseated when I'm sad, stress, in a trouble. Picking up other people's energies, everything stuck in my solar plexus. I had no idea, until I met my new therapist, who is working with me on just that. I've always know it, somewhere....but when he started talking it was as if he had the exact words for everything I've always been feeling but never knew how to pour into words.

 

I think I'm processing a lot of things during this taper, that have been with me since childhood. It's not just loneliness benzo related. It's been lifelong loneliness even though I've always been surrounded by people who love me a lot.

 

Many people have warned me " not to go there" and get off the benzo first. But how can I, if this is coming up? I don't know if any of what I'm saying makes sense to you. And I'm not even sure if this is the right place for it. But I had to let you know!

Its the first time I read about it here.

 

 

 

[[Sl...]]

Wait! Wait! What!!?

River, this is exactly what's happening to me. I read the first part of your mail and didn't even finish the rest.

I kept crying, crying and it always goes right to the solar plexus.

My whole life it has been like that.

 

I always get nauseated when I'm sad, stress, in a trouble. Picking up other people's energies, everything stuck in my solar plexus. I had no idea, until I met my new therapist, who is working with me on just that. I've always know it, somewhere....but when he started talking it was as if he had the exact words for everything I've always been feeling but never knew how to pour into words.

 

I think I'm processing a lot of things during this taper, that have been with me since childhood. It's not just loneliness benzo related. It's been lifelong loneliness even though I've always been surrounded by people who love me a lot.

 

Many people have warned me " not to go there" and get off the benzo first. But how can I, if this is coming up? I don't know if any of what I'm saying makes sense to you. And I'm not even sure if this is the right place for it. But I had to let you know!

Its the first time I read about it here.

 

Same here.  My version, of course, but same process.  I was being triggered by anything

from sad songs to just watching kittens playing and fighting on the floor.  Emotions were

overflowing.  I was considering myself a basket case.

 

That's what got me to talk therapy, where I've learned, as you say, that these are old

feelings from WAY back that have been dammed up by me over the years and even more

so by the benzo. 

 

So tapering is allowing just enough of the feelings to come up to be able to note them and

then talk and discuss them and get insights about exactly where they come from. 

 

I should note here that trying to do this with anybody in my life/family/friends etc did NOT

work.  They want to help for a while, but it becomes too much for them, plus some of them

feel that they have a stake in the issues for this or that reason.  So, it's best to get a good

therapist for this purpose.  Many family members and friends etc just don't want to hear it.

 

- Slappy

[Guest [Mo...]]

Slappy, I agree!

 

When I walked Into this therapists office, I thought it would be another " one size fits all CBT" or a "nodder" ( the kind of therapist that just nods and listens ).

But he started right away about chakras, sensitive people, etc.

And the things he said felt so true!

 

I don't think I could get through this with my friends or family. Not on that level.

And yes, they get tired of it. It makes me feel like being a whiner, talking about me all the time.

I don't mean to. I'm really interested in how they are doing, but while in bad Wd, I just can't deal with chitchat and at some days I barely hear what they're saying anyway.

It makes me feel like I'm such a crappy friend. And they say they get it, but I know they don't.

You can't know it, unless you've been here.

 

Thanks!

[[Sl...]]

Slappy, I agree!

 

When I walked Into this therapists office, I thought it would be another " one size fits all CBT" or a "nodder" ( the kind of therapist that just nods and listens ).

But he started right away about chakras, sensitive people, etc.

And the things he said felt so true!

 

I don't think I could get through this with my friends or family. Not on that level.

And yes, they get tired of it. It makes me feel like being a whiner, talking about me all the time.

I don't mean to. I'm really interested in how they are doing, but while in bad Wd, I just can't deal with chitchat and at some days I barely hear what they're saying anyway.

It makes me feel like I'm such a crappy friend. And they say they get it, but I know they don't.

You can't know it, unless you've been here.

 

Thanks!

 

You're oh so welcome, Mom of One.  Anybody relating to this.. go for it;  seek out a talk

therapist.    It is the only thing, out of all the suggestions about supplements,

other meds, meditation etc, that has actually brought about more healing instead of just

pigeon holing the feelings and issues.

 

So glad this subject has come up!  Benzo Buddies is the bomb!! 

 

- Slappy

[[su...]]

Yep, that WD anxiety is the baptism of fire, the pyrolytic cleaning of the soul, Probably many other ways to describe it, but in fact that torture we have of being in full volume fear with every little regreat/embarrasment/fear/bad experience raised up from the abyss and rubbed in our faces for months until there's nothing more to think does seem to be as good or better soul clens than any hypnotist could ever do.

I'm starting to get that now, as mine is, I hope, now at the very tail end, and I think I will and do feel more peaceful and accepting of things than ever before.

I've seen some people guessing that if one had baseline anxiety problems before they ever took benzos that they would always have that, aven after the WD is over.

I don't agree now, I think this experience is actually a cure for that.

it will all go away, and sweep the old badness away with it!

What a way to heal!!!

 

[[Sl...]]

Yep, that WD anxiety is the baptism of fire, the pyrolytic cleaning of the soul. Probably many other ways to describe it, but in fact that torture we have of being in full volume fear with every little regreat/embarrasment/fear/bad experience raised up from the abyss and rubbed in our faces for months until there's nothing more to think does seem to be as good or better soul cleans than any hypnotist could ever do.

 

Classic!  Great way to put it, surprised1. 

 

- Slappy

[[su...]]

Glad you liked it <grin>

I'll try and remember it for putting in the success story one day....