Benzo Related Loneliness

[[Be...]]

I have neurological damage from my trauma, so no escaping it.  Can't talk about it anymore.  It will never leave me.  The pain will be with me everyday, and now the benzo damage on top of it.

[[Ma...]]

I'm almost 9 months from cold turkeying and I feel different than "lonely".  I feel disconnected.  But it's not such a bad thing.  I can feel, but not as deeply as before, which actually has helped me feel more "emotionally stable".  i used to be off the charts emotional, angry, hurt, raging, crazy, over-sensitive about everything.  Now, I can listen to other people without getting as angry or as sad or personalizing everything.  I am able to be more objective.  This actually has helped me to work with troubled teenagers, who are always going through drama and wanting to die and everything is horrible....and knowing I can't "save" anybody, but can do my small part to be there and listen.  and it helps me to stay "detached" and not take it personally that their growth will take a lifetime...just like everyone else's.  I don't have to ego-attachment anymore to be the ONE person to say the ONE right thing.....that's foolish and not very giving; that is an egocentric sort of giving and I'm not like that now.  It's a relief.  To be able to actually just let go.

 

Also, I can observe my 20-something daughters living their lives and not feel so sad about their separation from me as they grow and mature, and allow them to be who they are.

 

Also, my husband has never been super "emotionally available" but I accept him now and don't need his input or approval or even to interact with him a whole lot.  Ours might appear to be a somehwat strange marriage right now, but with him just starting a Xanax taper and me 9 months from cold turkey, things are just fine.

 

I guess I'm saying that this "disability", this depersonalization/derealization and lack of emotional intensity in my life is kind of welcome right now and is serving a good purpose in the long run.

 

How's THAT for a positive spin?

 

P.S. River Wolf, you are one of my BB gurus.  I think of you and smile.  You make me believe everything is gonna be ok.

[[su...]]

Oh, Should I awaken this thread again??? Why not!!!

As some of you know, I've been away for about 6 weeks, have had a huge time in Europe, and have not had a chance to be lonely because there were always friends around!

I did prove, I think quite conclusively that for me, alcohol is no longer a problem.

You cannot be in France for over a week, and a couple of weeks in Germany and not do so!!!

So, I did get a bit of a relaps last Sep after some drinking in Qld, but this time after a lot more drinking in Europe, no problem that I couldn't call normal!

so for those still doubting, it can still improve even when it almost feels fixed, it could still be fixing more!

Only other thing I've done lately at all is the odd triptaphan the did seem to help quite a bit!

Hope you guys are all better than before!

 

[[Ri...]]

I'm at 21 months out and no more benzo related loneliness.

 

The further away I get from benzos, the more I see how my body is returning to pre benzo functions, especially where the loneliness is concerned.

 

I know my psyche and emotional body fairly well, and I am convinced that my theory is correct, at least with me, that the extreme loneliness resulting from benzo withdrawal is the result of a split from the higher self, or soul. There are many different ways to describe this aspect of ourselves, but the fundamental concept is that we are more than cells and two fluids.

 

When the nervous system is overexcited from the glutamate imbalance we become isolated from that part of ourselves that can feel our place in the universe. Depersonalization and Derelization is when we have trouble relating to our personal self and to our place in the world. I believe benzo related DP / DR  and associated emotional responses including despair and extreme loneliness goes a huge step larger than that in scale - to having trouble with feeling our place in the universe - and the ability to sense and connect with the greater aspects of ourselves typically called the higher self, soul, and other linguistic attempts to describe our belonging in all that is.

 

When we are chemically blocked from feeling and sensing this connection, we are left with only the ability to connect with our physical body isolated from our source and greater being.

 

This isolation is terrifying in contrast to what we are used to. This may sound far out to those who have never studied the more esoteric aspects of psychology and physics, but it is real nonetheless.

 

 

So the bottom line is that if you are completely freaked out and in total despair, certain that you are not going to survive the terror and trauma that you are experiencing - try to realize that this is actually normal for acute withdrawal -  and this terror WILL pass in time. Your challenge is to hold on until it does pass.

 

I was there, many others were there, and we can tell you that you WILL move out of this awful place in time. Most people heal and move on. They do not stay and try to break this experience down into its smallest details.

 

If the loneliness is severe, try to understand that you are at a stage in a predictable healing timeline and you will get better as time goes by.

 

I was SEVERE and now I am doing well, and you are next to do well, just hold on long enough for the nerve regeneration to take place. 

 

 

River 

 

 

[[Wo...]]

I'm at 21 months out and no more benzo related loneliness.

 

The further away I get from benzos, the more I see how my body is returning to pre benzo functions, especially where the loneliness is concerned.

 

I know my psyche and emotional body fairly well, and I am convinced that my theory is correct, at least with me, that the extreme loneliness resulting from benzo withdrawal is the result of a split from the higher self, or soul. There are many different ways to describe this aspect of ourselves, but the fundamental concept is that we are more than cells and two fluids.

 

When the nervous system is overexcited from the glutamate imbalance we become isolated from that part of ourselves that can feel our place in the universe. Depersonalization and Derelization is when we have trouble relating to our personal self and to our place in the world. I believe benzo related DP / DR  and associated emotional responses including despair and extreme loneliness goes a huge step larger than that in scale - to having trouble with feeling our place in the universe - and the ability to sense and connect with the greater aspects of ourselves typically called the higher self, soul, and other linguistic attempts to describe our belonging in all that is.

 

When we are chemically blocked from feeling and sensing this connection, we are left with only the ability to connect with our physical body isolated from our source and greater being.

 

This isolation is terrifying in contrast to what we are used to. This may sound far out to those who have never studied the more esoteric aspects of psychology and physics, but it is real nonetheless.

 

 

So the bottom line is that if you are completely freaked out and in total despair, certain that you are not going to survive the terror and trauma that you are experiencing - try to realize that this is actually normal for acute withdrawal -  and this terror WILL pass in time. Your challenge is to hold on until it does pass.

 

I was there, many others were there, and we can tell you that you WILL move out of this awful place in time. Most people heal and move on. They do not stay and try to break this experience down into its smallest details.

 

If the loneliness is severe, try to understand that you are at a stage in a predictable healing timeline and you will get better as time goes by.

 

I was SEVERE and now I am doing well, and you are next to do well, just hold on long enough for the nerve regeneration to take place. 

 

 

River 

 

River, bless you so much

 

I logged on this morning out of sheer fear and desperation as I'm now in my 19th month off and month 18 was my worst month so far.

 

I can't shake the fear and terror at all no matter how hard I try to face those fears head on.

 

All my fear seems to be connected to my severe DP DR, I spend every minute of my waking life wondering who and where I am, it got so bad the last month I'm scared in my own house cause nothing about it feels real, I keep wondering even in my own bedroom where am I...

 

The DP DR has been with me since first coming off and even thought I thought year 1 off was hell beyond words year 2 has been by far more severe, I'm shocked that I can even write on here as I feel so far disconnected from who I really am I'm not even sure who I am writing to you, 19 months off and I still don't know who I am in the mirror, in fact whoever is on the mirror scares me as I have no connection to them at all ....

 

I just can't ever imagine my life now without DP DR as I have been this way what feels like forever, when you have been so disconnected and living in a parallel alien world for do long how did you cope when you returned to reality? Where you then going around wondering where you are now or did you regonize your old reality ? or did it feel like you just woke up from a coma?

 

Parker said when hers lifted she kept thinking to herself where have I been and others on here said it was like been reborn back in to the world again, that in itself sounds scary as I have been altered and disconnected so long now I'm actually scared of what real life and reality will actually look and feel like as I can't even remember my old life or what it felt like, I just somehow know it was not like this and who I am now is not who I was.

 

I still get lost where I live and when I walk the beach where we live I still don't in my mind have a clue where I am, it feels like I'm dead but still here observing my old life and family through a TV lens.

 

So to hear you'd feeling better now at 21 months gives me hope but at the same time I still can't ever see or imagine this total feeling of disconnection, disassociation, isolation, despair, fear, loneliness, terror, anxiety, confusion, separation, lost and dead feeling going away.

 

As people who are healed say, when your deep in it you can't ever imagine your life out if it and then they say once you heal and come out of it you them can't imagine been ever back in it again, the only reassuring thing is all who thought they would have PTSD once healed don't...

 

It's hard to imagine you can go through a traumatic hell like this for so long and still come out the other side with no lasting trauma or flashbacks.

 

So what's left for you River symptom wise ? Can you now finally see the door out of hell in the distance ? Or better can you see a glimpse of paradise up ahead yet ?

 

Best Wishes

 

Woofs

[Guest [Mi...]]

Thanks for this thoughtful thread, River Wolf.

 

I'm trying to break through the horror of being thrown into the abyss of depersonalization / derealization.

 

I was put on benzos to help with the side effects of bipolar meds. And now. . . I've gone from being able to feel everything to not being able to feel anything.

 

Thanks for letting us know it gets better. I really needed to hear that.

 

 

[[Ri...]]

Woofs -

 

Your post was exactly what I went through too - and I gradually came out of it.

 

The transition from the walking dead to normal was smooth and steady for about 18 months.

 

Then the period of windows and waves started and lasted for another 18 months approx.

 

I had a very long gradual taper of 18 months.

 

But the bottom line for you is that all of your concerns will resolve themselves - you just have to weather the storm until your nerves regenerate to their pre benzo shape and function - and this will take the time that it is going to take.

 

There is something about benzo wd that affects our thinking at such a fundamental level that we cannot see the way out, and this is one of our biggest challenges. Benzo recovery is such a mind game -

 

. . . but you are going to win it. Try not to over think it with your current mental framework because you can drive yourself goofy - try to let it go for now.

 

Thats what I did and it really helped. I reached a point where I said 'screw it'  - it is going to take the time it takes and I let it be and just rode it out.

 

This resignation is not the same as giving up - it is more constructive and healthier mentally and emotionally. It is about giving up the fight AGAINST what is.

 

See if you can find the Second Arrow Teaching Story thread.

 

 

You are going to be alright, but you have to hang in and hold on some more.  I'm sending you a PM.

 

 

 

River

 

[[su...]]

Hi River,

Yes, Precicely, Hit the nail as usual!!!

In benzodom, there is no god, there is no personal significants, we feel our tinyness as a disconnected lonely nothing wasting our life, and then all the possible misery that such thoughts entale!

I think there are things that our brains do learn during it that we unlearn again afterwards, and perhaps those flashbacks can be partly that, but it is surprising how quickly that apparent learning and intrusive thoughts drop completely away once the state that nurtures them vanishes.

I'm finding that I still get better even after I thought I was healed, and states of bliss can come that I had forgotten were possible for a year or 2 now!

I'd be around the 19 month mark, but I did have a small exposia compaired to most on here, so you who have taken this stuff for years, could well take longer.

 

Woofs,

Don't panic, We were where you are, and you will be here in time. Know that for a fact!

For some, suppliments and NLP etc might very well help or not, but the common factor is time.

OH, and I can look back over those months, and would say that in spite of the fact that I utterly could not feel anything spiritual, those forces out there were still running the show in spite of it, and I was looked after in many ways!

so even though you can't feel it, your soul is still running along as it should!

[[Wo...]]

Hi River,

Yes, Precicely, Hit the nail as usual!!!

In benzodom, there is no god, there is no personal significants, we feel our tinyness as a disconnected lonely nothing wasting our life, and then all the possible misery that such thoughts entale!

I think there are things that our brains do learn during it that we unlearn again afterwards, and perhaps those flashbacks can be partly that, but it is surprising how quickly that apparent learning and intrusive thoughts drop completely away once the state that nurtures them vanishes.

I'm finding that I still get better even after I thought I was healed, and states of bliss can come that I had forgotten were possible for a year or 2 now!

I'd be around the 19 month mark, but I did have a small exposia compaired to most on here, so you who have taken this stuff for years, could well take longer.

 

Woofs,

Don't panic, We were where you are, and you will be here in time. Know that for a fact!

For some, suppliments and NLP etc might very well help or not, but the common factor is time.

OH, and I can look back over those months, and would say that in spite of the fact that I utterly could not feel anything spiritual, those forces out there were still running the show in spite of it, and I was looked after in many ways!

so even though you can't feel it, your soul is still running along as it should!

 

Thank you surprised1

 

I hope your right, I work out your 16 months off and your fully healed.

 

That scares me as I'm now in my 19 month off and worse than ever, I've seen long term, high dose users heal before me...

 

Do you still think the Gingko healed you? I wanted to try it but everything sends me to hell, tried Magnesium and after 3 days I had to stop as I nearly went insane it revved me that much, BVits, Vit C, Zinc, Biotin all caused the same reaction and I feel so bad now that I could not handle even a decibel more intense..

I'm amazed you can now drink again without issues, I loved having a few beers and in my old life before benzos took it away I owned and ran clubs and bars so Ali of my PR weekend involved entertaining with alcohol, I miss my old wining and dining life but after all I read on here I've been too scared to try even one, now that causes me tremendous isolation and loneliness as all my friends are still living it up every weekend while I suffer here in hell and can only wonder if I will ever be able to be ME again, when did your DP DR go away? Was it before or after Gingko?

 

Consumed was the best Gingko success story, 9 months fully healed...

 

19 months is a long time with no window, lots talk on here about windows and waves, I know well what waves are but have no idea what a window is....

 

I've been like this every day since I came off but I've just slowly got worse instead of slowly better.

 

Year 1 off was hell but I would rather do year 1 again than to do one more day of this year 2 off..

 

How in hell did 2 weeks of Lorazepam for headaches send me to hell for now 23 months to include my 4 month Diazepam taper!!!!!

 

Woofs

 

[[su...]]

Hi Woofs,

Wow, You are one of the smaller dose situations, more like me I suppose!

Ye, I personally think ginkgo helped, although there has been an interesting post up on the ginkgo thread that tosses the cat amongst the pidgeons, but many have reported good results, and that's ultimately what counts!

I think triptophan might have been perhaps my magic elixer, but I don't think we have a thread on it so-far, and we probably should have!

It is amazing just how much damage a little bit of this poison can do!

 

[[co...]]

I am alone all the fking time I am sick of it I have been abandoned no one gives a rats ass about me I do not deserve to be discarded like trash I just want to be loved like anyone else

 

I want to do drastic things

 

I have done so many good things but they don't want to see any of it because it doesn't serve the storyline they want to preserve

 

My so called friend is so busy with her old guy relationship she's never there when I need her  I am alone

[[go...]]

Omg!  I have felt completely alone and the loneliness was strangling me. It is what drives my depression. I feel relief that it is due to be so withdrawal.  Thank you thank. Five years of loneliness was truly cruel.  Knowing it's going to get better is everything I needed to hear!!!

[[Ri...]]

Yes the loneliness does go away.

 

you will be fine in time.

 

 

River

[[Bi...]]

You know, throughout my entire process. I was so alone and fed up. I had a great deal of depression within those phases of my life to. I had thoughts of suicide and nothing ever getting better. I had to use all the reasoning I could to change my mind. I thought one day, I will be free of all of this. I thought nothing lasts forever. It just doesn't for the good or bad. It is what it is. It's what I make it to be. I know, I know... very positive words, easy to talk about once on the other side, but they're very true words! The ONLY thing that I had in those times was the computer and my bed, also what loved ones I had around.

 

It is, it's true... nothing lasts forever. Everything has a cycle ending in a death.

 

The depression did go away for me fairly quick, once off the pill. It was the pills that was causing my depression. They have a way of turning your "everything goods" into "everything is bad"! It was amazing to me how much depression the pills were causing. I refused to go on an anti-depressant. I just couldn't. I wanted to heal naturally, and I did. I'm not saying don't take one. If you feel you really need one and can benefit. The choice is yours.

 

The depression I had was so dark at times, there seem to be no way out. It does get better! It was like I couldn't feel any emotion or connect to anything. It felt very deadly, but it's not.

 

You just have to hang in there, and look at the big picture. NOT just the current conditions of your mental status.

 

Today, it's hard for me to remember those times. They're just not there anymore.

 

 

 

 

[[ea...]]

Its interesting but in a way, Im more lonely now than during those long, awful months of major withdrawal. I believe that back then, I was so busy just surviving (and had DP/DR) that I couldn't feel much except The Terror that was with me 24/7. NOw, I am just plain old lonely. I lost almost all my friends during the benzo years, and haven't replaced them as of yet. I needed to retreat, during my recovery. And now, Im starting to wonder how...does one meet good new people, if you don't work and have little money? Its a problem. I am not sure yet how to deal with it, but Im sure thinking about it.

east

[Guest [Mi...]]

Its interesting but in a way, Im more lonely now than during those long, awful months of major withdrawal. I believe that back then, I was so busy just surviving (and had DP/DR) that I couldn't feel much except The Terror that was with me 24/7. NOw, I am just plain old lonely. I lost almost all my friends during the benzo years, and haven't replaced them as of yet. I needed to retreat, during my recovery. And now, Im starting to wonder how...does one meet good new people, if you don't work and have little money? Its a problem. I am not sure yet how to deal with it, but Im sure thinking about it.

east

 

Hi, east. I understand about the not having much money part. I don't have any relatives that I'm close to. Never married or had kids. I have a small but close circle of friends.

 

I found that my dog has introduced me to my best friends! I let her pick them out - she's got better sense then I do. I met one of my best friends at the dog park. 

 

There's also volunteering to get you around people. I used to go to a small Reform Jewish temple, but I haven't been in years. However, there are mindfulness groups in many places - they seem to be a growing trend, and that's taken the place of religion for me. And book clubs are usually free. Stuff like that.

 

It's hard when you're in withdrawal. I haven't been to the book club in awhile because it's too hard to remember stuff and concentrate to get through a book right now. 

 

But it gets better and eventually we'll get out there again. Hang strong, friend. 

[[Wi...]]

Eastcoast,

 

Try Meetup.com.  This has given me all kinds of new adventures and new people to meet. I celebrated the summer solstice with one group (with great people) and went with another small group to see 4th of July fireworks.  I can go at my pace, selecting only those things that I really want to do. I can put my toe in or my whole foot. 

 

I was in a similar place as you.  During the taper all I could do was survive.  The fewer people around the easier it was on me.  Now I realize, because of tolerance and other reasons, just how much I was pushing people away.  So I'm reaching out to a few that I already know but now pursuing finding MY people lol in these meetup groups.

 

Hope you find your people too

 

WWWI

[[ea...]]

Mindseeker, those are good ideas. Unfortunately, I have a minor criminal record (something stupid I did while on benzos-) and it prevents me from a lot of volunteer work. I tried a while back. Its not out of the question. I am also considering finding a part time job, but again, my record may prevent this.

 

WWWI - I checked out Meetup. Nothing interested me, at the time I looked. But I will check it again.

 

Thank you both. Some of the problem is I am somewhat shy, in new situations. This is something I have worked on for years...its gotten better but is still there.Sort of a mild social anxiety, I guess. This is not why I took benzos....they were for chronic insomnia.

east

[[ai...]]

Hi BBs,

 

Just checking in to find out if your loneliness is related at all to sxs? My worst sxs have always been in the morning just after waking...it's the same with the loneliness I feel. I always feel better as the day progresses and somedays are worse than others...do any of you share the same experience? I'm also waking with a slightly upset stomach that calms as the day goes too...any of you?

 

Thanks so much...hugs to you

[[co...]]

Yup

 

It does seem to run that way...

 

Occasionally I get nauseous, and that always occurs in the am.

 

Just got to muscle thru it.

 

As an update; I've been able to participate (thanks to a loaned car) in some local outdoor activities.  Met some decent people *surprise*.  I now have hooked up with someone who will give me a ride for further adventures.  And this Sunday, I'm planning on going to a bird walk down at the 'community park', 450 acres of former ranch land home to an organic farm and many trails in the woods.

 

There's hope!  (Watch-tomorrow I'll be down in the pits again...)

 

 

[Guest [Mi...]]

Good for you, cookienose! Sounds like things are looking up. I hope so. 

 

I think because of the dp/dr, I've withdrawn from people. Even when I'm around people, I'm not like I used to be. It's hard to be engaged when you're not in your own body. 

 

It's probably good to be around people and try not to get too isolated because eventually we all heal and will want our friends around more. I hope so.

 

Geezzz, I hope this goes away. 

[[am...]]

Good for you, cookienose! Sounds like things are looking up. I hope so. 

 

I think because of the dp/dr, I've withdrawn from people. Even when I'm around people, I'm not like I used to be. It's hard to be engaged when you're not in your own body. 

 

It's probably good to be around people and try not to get too isolated because eventually we all heal and will want our friends around more. I hope so.

 

Geezzz, I hope this goes away.

 

You will get better Mindseeker. I had about 4-5 months where I didn't really feel like being around friends either and most of that went away by about 3 months out. It's no fun being around friends when we are so sick. Good healing ! 

 

[Guest [Mi...]]

Hi, ama. I don't think I've touched base with you in awhile. You always have such wonderful words of encouragement. Thank you.

 

Hope you're doing well, too. It's good to hear that things get a bit better in a few months. 

[[am...]]

I am doing pretty good MS, considering how long I took benzos for and how some other people here are doing. I started a new job about 6 weeks back and it has been a little rough with my benzo brain, but I have been healing consistently since I jumped and I hope to be completely healed in a few more months. Not sure it is going to happen that soon, but I am a pretty positive thinker and if many others have healed from this poisoning, I can too !  Stay positive and get well !     

[Guest [Mi...]]

Hey, ama. Yeah, I started a job back in March, so they had little expectations 'cause I came in a little brain-damaged! 

 

I'm hoping to get a better job as soon as I can remember where I am!

 

Glad you're hanging in their with your job. It's hard when you've been on this stuff for decades. Hope we both have a full recovery soon.