Benzo Related Loneliness

[[Ri...]]

Thanks you guys.   

[[Ma...]]

I am almost seven months from a c/t and the days just blend into each other, and the weeks are just a blur, time is passing, and it all feels unreal.  It's like everyone is on a moving train and I'm stuck at the train station, with the trains just passing me by.  I want them to stop to pick me up but they never do.

 

That's the kind of disconnection and loneliness I feel.  Weirdly, it's not that painful.  It's mostly frustrating.  I connect with nice people for quick moments, but then I think the thought "I hope they don't invite me somewhere or want to be my friend--because I just don't DO that."

 

It's like, deep inside there's a desire, maybe even a yearning, to connect to people and to life around me, but I've resigned myself to the fact that I just CAN'T.  I'd like to, but I just can't....In the same way that I'd like to clean up all my old files and paperwork that has stacked up.  Every day I say I'll do it.  And, so far, every day I just can't.  And I don't.  I don't do much of anything.

 

It's not that I won't.  I would like to connect & I would like to accomplish tasks, but there is absolutely no motivation.  There is no action following the desire.  There's a major disconnect.  My brain just can't do it. 

 

I remember early on thinking that, like a computer, my brain is in "sleep mode".  It's only functioning at minimal level for safety reasons.......healing.  Whatever isn't essential can't occur.  That includes anything remotely stressful.  Anything requiring output, especially emotional, like a relationship (other than with my husband and kids, who I act like I connect with but don't really) I just don't have the capacity for.  I'm very much a flatliner and it feels oddly peaceful, restful, to not be fully human.

 

I walk my dogs to the park and see people all around me, and they're just pleasant colors & smiles, but nothing I can really hang onto.  It's Twilight Zone-like.  It's almost like I'm watching tv...walking down the street it's GORGEOUS scenery.  I guess this is derealization.  I feel like an expressionless alien, a visitor not from this world, as if I could just disappear into vapor at any moment.

 

River, I cannot express what your generosity and eloquence have done for me over these months.  You provide such comfort and reassurance.  I just found this thread for the first time in seven months!

But I've seen you out and about on other threads, and read your blog.

 

I look forward to having a personality again.  I was having "fun" the other night taking personality tests.  I used to have quite a lively one, very extroverted, ambitious, energetic.  In line with how I now feel, all the tests came out showing me as a very minimal participator in life, introverted, apathetic, afraid, just not operating on all cylinders.  Sleep mode.  My personality is on sabbatical.

 

I believe you when you say that someday I will be me again, a human being with feelings and thoughts I can actually put into action, a full being inhabiting this body.  Not someone in suspended animation.  I believe someday...I don't know when....but someday the train will stop and pick me up and I'll climb back on and move in pace with the rest of the world.  Right now, I'm not even close.  I dream of it, even get a little excited about it, but that passes before any action could possibly happen.

 

I still believe that God is with me.  But I don't "feel" him.  Yet, thankfully, there is a part of my brain that knows the truth, even when the rest of it lies to me.  God IS with me, as he always has been.  Benzos are powerful & they have stolen and destroyed much, but they can NEVER steal God from me.

Even if I believe the lies at times that he has left me, or he never was there, the truth never changes.

This is what I desperately hang my hat upon.  God IS with me.

 

Our world has created things in our environment, and drugs we ingest, that literally mutate us.  We are destroying ourselves.  But that's not what God intended; this is what we've done with what he gave us.  But he can nurse us back to health, given what we have left that we haven't completely destroyed. 

 

He is a great healer.  He is the manufacturer, and right now I've been returned to the factory for refurbishment, and I'm under repair in a room with a "DO NOT DISTURB" sign on the door.

 

[[su...]]

Hi MamaShoshanna,

Nicely put!!!

Actually, I do think, for me at least, that "god" or, at least some feeling of help from beyond, did totally vanish.

for quite a while I felt totally utterly alone, even that nothing outside my own head cared or could influence anything.

I still liked to hang out with people, talk to friends etc,

but it was partly a destraction, a way to get away from the termoil of anxiety-driven garbage that was my waking state.

Appreciation for music vanished, and an almost desperite feeling that I had lost grip of my life and that it would all pass by without me was always there.

I did manage to do some tasks, basicly to go through the motions mechanicly and then find it was done.

That did some good, but it is a nasty feeling even way beyond normal anxiety over real events.

I think because we're so twisted up in this state, that we can't relate to normallity until it wares off which it thankfully does!

We do come back, and we even do work out that "god" or  that feeling of belonging is back, and that we were actually being looked after even if we think we were not during it all!

Many report in success stories, that after the storm is completely over, that we really have a much more euphoric life from then onwards.

We sure as hell deserve it!!!

 

[[Ma...]]

Hi MamaShoshanna,

Nicely put!!!

Actually, I do think, for me at least, that "god" or, at least some feeling of help from beyond, did totally vanish.

for quite a while I felt totally utterly alone, even that nothing outside my own head cared or could influence anything.

I still liked to hang out with people, talk to friends etc,

but it was partly a destraction, a way to get away from the termoil of anxiety-driven garbage that was my waking state.

Appreciation for music vanished, and an almost desperite feeling that I had lost grip of my life and that it would all pass by without me was always there.

I did manage to do some tasks, basicly to go through the motions mechanicly and then find it was done.

That did some good, but it is a nasty feeling even way beyond normal anxiety over real events.

I think because we're so twisted up in this state, that we can't relate to normallity until it wares off which it thankfully does!

We do come back, and we even do work out that "god" or  that feeling of belonging is back, and that we were actually being looked after even if we think we were not during it all!

Many report in success stories, that after the storm is completely over, that we really have a much more euphoric life from then onwards.

We sure as hell deserve it!!!

 

 

Hello Australian friend!

 

Yes, I agree.  I don't "feel" God much.  He feels like a distant memory so I have to make a conscious effort.  I can do tasks outside of the house, but inside the house I'm just a vegetable.  I just melt into the sofa or my bed.

 

Today I'm mustering up my energy to get to the bank.  I will appear to be a normal person to all.  But it's a huge facade.  I remember posting months ago, during acute, that I felt like I should wear a sign when I'm at the grocery store that I'm not really myself.  Another member suggested a sign saying ABNORMAL.  In a weird way, I find that hilarious.

 

I wanted to mention music.  Music has ALWAYS been my passion.  Listening to it, playing guitar, singing, writing songs & recording.  In my last year of benzos and now thru withdrawal it's Zero in the passion department.

 

When something does actually move me, or even catch my ear, it feels like a gentle sign of healing.  I really miss it.  I want that back.

[[ov...]]

Mama:  I so relate to your posts!  I don't feel like me either.  What happened to the joy?  I have to make myself pretend to enjoy my precious furkids.  Me that lived for dog sports.  I have lost so much weight I am weak.  Also I cannot even force myself to train with my dogs, "I just feel, whats the point"  we can't go to class, we can't go to trials, meaning I can't.  You are lucky you can mingle.  My skin pain and rash and fizzy acid is so bad, I am housebound.  I have fear of seeing people even my own children, I won't let them come over.  I am only connected to my husband, and that is barely.  He is trying so hard to be helpful and do all the errands.  I know it is very difficult for him to see me in so much pain.

 

I am contemplating beginning my  valium taper on Friday.  Afraid I won't sleep.  The only time I get relief from the burning skin pain and the fizzy acid coming up my throat.

 

I keep searching for God.  Would my God let me feel this pain.  Well "This too shall pass"  "let go and let God" and "let go of the feelings of Impending Doom".  Do any of those phrases sound familiar.?

 

Overcomer 

[[su...]]

Hi MamaShoshanna and overcomer,

Yep, that's it allright!

Luckily, I was never in the realy bad physical symptom category, and almost all of what hapend to me was anxiety and the effects of that which I had.

No god, and loss of music interest are definitely very common for us, but they do come back to normal, once the real and the fake anxiety die back.

I did spend a few months where I'd go out and walk amongst the people and seem normal, but I was detached, I didn't feel connections to them.

I think all love/empathy/happyness is not possible in this state, but it will come back, and perhaps more than it ever was before. Many say that.

so, go out, and mingle and do all you can, the distraction is good for you, even if you're not enjoying the experience yet!

It will definitely pass.

 

[[ov...]]

Thanks surprised for the pep talk.  I just got back from the chiropractor.  I pretend that I am normal "acting as if" but feel so disconnected from everyone!  I could deal with the anxiety, real and unreal, the loneliness, if the skin pain, rash and fizzy acid would go away.  I am so grateful for computers right now.  My diversion from the skin pain!

Overcomer

[[su...]]

Hiovercomer,

Well, I think anyone on here who has come out the end, or nearly so, can tel you for sure that what you have will definitely go away, sometimes quite suddenly!

It's a kind of stuck loop, and I found that if you have something good to look forward to, it can raise your happyness, (probably serotonin) enough to break the feedback loop!

Time will wramp it down as well of course!

 

[[ov...]]

Hi Surprised:  you c/td, wowie zowie?  you had luck with ginko biloba?  Please elaborate!

Overcomer 

[[su...]]

Hi overcomer,

Yep, I did!

I had only really been on it for about 3 weeks, had fully reached tollorence in that time, and then tried some avanza and Valium the Doc recommended to come off it gracefully.

That gave me a totally awful night, and the next day, I just said NO more and that was that!!!

Much of what started it all off for me is still a strange mystery, but start it did, and healing, it also does seem to be!

but I hadn't read any BB back then, and only 3 weeks didn't seem like a problem to CT from!

Ohwell, it's done now!

I don't really know if a taper would have been better or worse in my case, as the interdose and so on seemed to be doing more harm than good for me.

Perhaps the Valium might have fixed things if I'd given it the chance, but, I didn't!!!

 

[[Wo...]]

Hi overcomer,

Yep, I did!

I had only really been on it for about 3 weeks, had fully reached tollorence in that time, and then tried some avanza and Valium the Doc recommended to come off it gracefully.

That gave me a totally awful night, and the next day, I just said NO more and that was that!!!

Much of what started it all off for me is still a strange mystery, but start it did, and healing, it also does seem to be!

but I hadn't read any BB back then, and only 3 weeks didn't seem like a problem to CT from!

Ohwell, it's done now!

I don't really know if a taper would have been better or worse in my case, as the interdose and so on seemed to be doing more harm than good for me.

Perhaps the Valium might have fixed things if I'd given it the chance, but, I didn't!!!

 

Hi surprised1

 

Similar to you I was only on for 2 weeks and stopped but after 3 days I went back on and tapered off over 4 months and now 16 months later im still in hell, so going back on and doing a taper I feel made it worse.

 

I have always wished looking back that I never went back on but I was none the wiser and did not know what was happening to me...

 

If I had not gone back on I would be 20 months of now...

 

So with us there is too sides to the coin and we are both still not healed..

 

Best Wishes

 

Woofs

[[Ma...]]

Thanks surprised for the pep talk.  I just got back from the chiropractor.  I pretend that I am normal "acting as if" but feel so disconnected from everyone!  I could deal with the anxiety, real and unreal, the loneliness, if the skin pain, rash and fizzy acid would go away.  I am so grateful for computers right now.  My diversion from the skin pain!

Overcomer

 

 

I feel for you.  I had a skin rash when I first had fibromyalgia.  The regular kept telling me it was all in my head.  But these red bumps would show up on my skin out of nowhere.  Being told I was somehow causing this to happen was the most frustrating part.  The only one who validated it was one doctor who said fibromyalgia can manifest anywhere including in mast cells of the skin.  Anyway, over time it healed and only occasionally does it come back.  It is possibly something like shingles or something related to nerves because when it starts I can feel it deep under my skin.

 

Anyway, I feel for you.  Itching is the worst.  Nothing seems to help it except meds that also put you to sleep.  I know if I could avoid scratching it helped a lot.  Easier said than done.  Is still have scars and it is about seven years later.

[[ov...]]

Don't have itching just intense burning pain, all over.  Anything touching my skin is the worst.  Waking up in the morning my face and body are burning from them touching the sheets.  I hate this!

Overcomer

[[su...]]

Hi Woofs,

Well, I am very nearly healed!

I hate ever saying full healed, Murphy is someone I believe in way too much, but I think it's very close, and really any noticeable anxiety states are down to once a week perhaps as a little wave of sorts, mostly all normal.

I can go out do anything, have a few drinks, and don't seem to pay for it any more.

There are enough little odd fgeelings around me though, that I can still do experiments on what seems to help or hinder, and I hope some of what I find, which I post somewhere here, helps someone!

to your taper, Well, that was the problem, you ended up putting way more into the system than you originally did and perhaps the off then on, kindled you a bit.

It is amazing what just a week or 2 of this stuff can do to some people!

Hope you're definitely seeing improvements now!

 

[[Wo...]]

Hi Woofs,

Well, I am very nearly healed!

I hate ever saying full healed, Murphy is someone I believe in way too much, but I think it's very close, and really any noticeable anxiety states are down to once a week perhaps as a little wave of sorts, mostly all normal.

I can go out do anything, have a few drinks, and don't seem to pay for it any more.

There are enough little odd feelings around me though, that I can still do experiments on what seems to help or hinder, and I hope some of what I find, which I post somewhere here, helps someone!

to your taper, Well, that was the problem, you ended up putting way more into the system than you originally did and perhaps the off then on, kindled you a bit.

It is amazing what just a week or 2 of this stuff can do to some people!

Hope you're definitely seeing improvements now!

 

Yes I agree surprised1

 

Going back on probably caused the problem, but I did not know what else to do, the doc who put me on would not believe what was happening to me after only 2 weeks so a new doc put me back on saying if you don't this could go on for a long time, I was scared so trusted him, if id known this would happen I would have just toughed it out, did you suffer from DP DR ?

 

I got DR straight after finishing my taper and this then morphed in to DR/DP and I've had them both ever since, never get a window, never even had 1, and 16 months later im still living in this altered alien and fake world and honestly I cant see anyway back from it, after this long feeling so changed I cant see how its possible to go back to who I was.

 

I would give anything to go back to who I was and have a few drinks like before and eat what I want like before, food still hurts me and ive been too scared to try a beer, I used to own and run bars and clubs and lost the lot 6 months in to withdrawal so alcohol was a part of my job before, I miss my old life and for the life me I cant see it ever coming back, and even if it does how can we ever be the same again, I know its the DP DR that makes me feel this way so if you had it and got over it please tell me your story while in it and now your story that your out of it?

 

River has given me lots of hope that it will go away, but when you feel like this everyday for 16 months you need to hear it again from someone else to give hope that it does go away even after having 16th months...

 

Cheers

 

Woofs 

[[Ra...]]

When I went through my acute period I remember going to the grocery store with hubby (he made me) and feeling very disconnected to what was going on.  Like they were in their world and I was in mine.  I remember feeling very jealous of the people who were just seemingly going la-tee-da through life and I was suffering so badly.  It was a very strange feeling. 

 

Then I started my Seroquel and that stabilized me.  I've now started my taper from Xanax and I hope to never go back to that awful place of DR again.  It was VERY scarey. 

[[su...]]

Hi Woofs,

Yes, I had all the bad stuff!

It still, in small ways visits me, but as I said, it is dropping away still, and I'm sure, will be totally gone, and some say, life even becomes more euphoric after the end of this.

I felt alone in a little world of anxiety, love of music and books etc seemed to vanish, and be replaced by an almost wierd fear of other people being younger or happier than I was.

I'm sure any concerns I had of any such things were dragged up, amplified 100 fold or more, and relentlessly circulated in my head!

The funny thing for me, is I really don't quite know what started my problem over a year back, but I have several friends who believe I had been fed some kind of drugs in drinks or food by this kind of GF I had at the time.

I've never in the past had any problem with drinking alcohol, yet that situation sparked things off in scary and strange ways I'd never seen the likes of!

Then I had the 3 weeks worth of serapax, which seemed to go tollorent in no time, and cause far worse interdoce problems, and perhaps caused the whole mess to extend as far as it has!

All I can really say from here, is that I got used to it, which helped it heal, the obsessive thoughts died out, they can only run for so long, and there has been a steady improvement over the year or so.

I blew things up a little bit last Sep during a holiday with a 2 week holiday of a drink or 2 a day, but I came out of that over the next few months, and now can go to a club or have a drink or 2 with dinner, and not feel anything out of the ordenary after drinks!

The body does naturally correct all this, but for some it can seem a stupidly long time for it to happen.

Ok, Some things that I think helped me:

Vit-d.

I believe this helps in production of serotonin, and for some who are low, can almost be a cure of its self.

A couple of hours a day in the midday sun will do this if your game!!!

Ginkgo Biloba:

I'm sure this helps, there is good research on it all, which Devant found and it up regulates gaba while protecting you from the resulting glutamate storms. Most people on that very big thread saw benifits, except for 1 I think.

Some even called it a full cure!

I'm sure it was helpful to me.

Another thing that seemed to help from a psychological point of view was one of the CDs in the Anthony Robbins personal power series on changing state (NLP.)

I don't know a lot about CBT, talked a lot about on here, but I'd say the process in this case is almost identical.

Basicly, it's getting your current nasty thoughts and feelings, and then recalling a brillient happy proud memory and slamming it over the top of your bad ones.

You keep doing it and it seems to dissolve the mood somewhat!

Now, where I am these days, I've had a couple of tests with 5htp, in the theory that serotonin levels might be stuck down a bit, and I can say I felt totally old normal for up to a week after taking just one of them!

It's facinating as a test, although I don't want to be dependent on them, and don't for a minute think I am.

After all, I am going to clubs and having a drink or 3 at least once a week at the moment!

Hopefully next week, I'm getting hold of some triptophan, which is basicly a food, can be got from hot milk, turkey, chicken, eggs etc.

which is also what we use to make our own 5htp, and then serotonin, melatonin etc.

I will post my results from that somewhere here, I'm sure!

So, Yes, time does definitely heal things as it is.

I also think there are some things that can help us too.

It is scary and sad, just how much most doctors don't know about this, and I'm sure many in this world who never found BB could be purminantly medicated for long term mental illness after taking benzos!

Hope this all helps!!!

 

 

[[Ri...]]

 

Another thing that seemed to help from a psychological point of view was one of the CDs in the Anthony Robbins personal power series on changing state (NLP.)

I don't know a lot about CBT, talked a lot about on here, but I'd say the process in this case is almost identical.

Basicly, it's getting your current nasty thoughts and feelings, and then recalling a brillient happy proud memory and slamming it over the top of your bad ones.

You keep doing it and it seems to dissolve the mood somewhat!

 

 

You are so right - NLP can permanently cure a huge percentage of situations and conditions for what benzos were prescribed for. The benzos are a poor attempt at suppressing effects instead of actually removing the causes of many of our mental and emotional problems.

 

NLP uses our brain to work for us instead of us being at the effects of conditioned, stimulus responses we have collected from life experiences.

 

There are many examples of NLP on YouTube.

 

 

 

River

[Guest [Mo...]]

Hi River,

 

Just wondering, after reading this...

If nlp can cure much of situations and conditions that benzo's are being prescribed for; would you say that it will work only after being free of this stuff, or even during?

Would it bring any relief during withdrawal, I guess I mean to ask.

 

I do see a therapist twice a week, which is one of the sad highlights of my week.

It's helping me to get stuff out and he helps me doing grounding work, which kind of makes me feel like me a bit more.

I think it's useless for sorting out any other stuff for now, though.

I enjoy it, but I don't think I can sort anything out while on this poison.

 

I'm not familiar with nlp, that's why I ask.

 

Thanks for your always encouraging words. 

[[Ri...]]

Hi Moo -  I read an article by a threapist who concluded that “no meaningful progress could be made during benzo withdrawal.”

 

Based on my wd, it would not surprise me, but there is something interesting that happens during wd.  As a result of the brain and nervous system's withdrawal related processes, many people experience a massive flood of intrusive thoughts from the subconscious mind.

 

 

I found that these thoughts and experiences of events that bubble up from the deep is highly valuable information. Normally, they are buried in the subconscious mind beneath our conscious awareness where they operate to control over 90% of our life. We feel like we are robots sometimes – because we actually are when these subconscious drivers are running our conscious minds.

 

I realized after my wd that a valuable thing to do would be to record these thoughts and then process them later after wd has passed and your thinking and emotions are not being hijacked by the wd symptoms. It would be interesting to do some research with someone during this flood of intrusive thoughts to see how to best use  the opportunity. And I think it is a HUGE opportunity to have this much of the subconscious available. I just don't know how productive it would be to attempt to handle these issuse during wd. I know I was trashed and could not even process the simplest concept.

 

 

I wrote about my experience with this in a thread called How Your Withdrawal Symptoms Can Improve Your Life, here;  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=101447.msg1303981#msg1303981

 

 

There are excellent NLP practitioners available world wide, and with the use of Skype, NLP processing  is accessable more than ever.

 

Steve Andreas is one of the leaders in the field, and he has some videos on YouTube.

 

 

River

[[Be...]]

Some of us have a hugely traumatic event in our past that to continually relive it in consciousness is too overwhelming and causes further damage to our psyche.  Some trauma is intended to remain buried so we can function in our present lives.  That's why we have repressive mental abilities.  It's there for a reason; for self preservation.  These benzo's have flooded me with so much with bad memory, I'm now traumatized too much.  A small regret from the past has turned into overwhelming guilt and self recrimination, completely out of line with the original feeling.  Not good. 

[Guest [Mo...]]

Oh yes! A massive flood, indeed!

Thinking " where did THAT come from"?

 

I do feel I'm finding out many,many things . BUT I can't process them with this fuzz brain.

So I'm saving it for later. Like you said: I won't even attempt to sort anything out right now.

talking to someone who is in a sort of focused, relaxed state makes energy shift in some way and it makes me feel better. I guess it's the whole awareness thing. Giving something your full attention. That's probably why it feels good to go.

 

Before being on benzo's I didn't even know I had issues

 

Thank you for explaining so well ( again and as always) and I will check this out more, for sure.

 

That kind of research would be VERY interesting.

I do keep a journal. I think in two years from now, it will read back as if I was drunk 24/7.

 

Take care,

moo

 

 

[Guest [Mo...]]

Some of us have a hugely traumatic event in our past that to continually relive it in consciousness is too overwhelming and causes further damage to our psyche.  Some trauma is intended to remain buried so we can function in our present lives.  That's why we have repressive mental abilities.  It's there for a reason; for self preservation.  These benzo's have flooded me with so much with bad memory, I'm now traumatized too much.  A small regret from the past has turned into overwhelming guilt and self recrimination, completely out of line with the original feeling.  Not good.

 

Becks, we posted at the same time...

I didn't mean to pass by your reply.

I'm sorry you're going through that. Having to relive a trauma while on benzo's ( through benzo) sounds horrible.

I hope you will find relief somehow.....

[[Be...]]

That intrusive traumatic memory floods my consciousness and terrifies me.  I don't know how to make it stop.  Nothing will relieve the trauma, it's been burned into my memory for decades and relived every day though I used to be able to suppress it fairly well when I was active and doing things.  Now that I'm housebound, I can't get away from it or get distracted.  Some days it's not as bad, though.  That's why I'm suffering so much from this w/d.  Some trauma cannot be healed.  That's just the way it is.

[[Sl...]]

That intrusive traumatic memory floods my consciousness and terrifies me.  I don't know how to make it stop.  Nothing will relieve the trauma, it's been burned into my memory for decades and relived every day though I used to be able to suppress it fairly well when I was active and doing things.  Now that I'm housebound, I can't get away from it or get distracted.  Some days it's not as bad, though.  That's why I'm suffering so much from this w/d.  Some trauma cannot be healed.  That's just the way it is.

 

Benzos do that.  But healing does happen.

 

I am in a similar space as you describe.  I've learned that the whole thing can get sorted.

 

There is a unique problem with huge pain/trauma:  it un-sorts our memory stream and causes

a stronger memory to act like a closer memory, which is a lie;  the strong memories are

not closer to the present, they still happened on the same date on the calendar, it's just

that something has caused a leak so we're flooded with it.

 

I began to heal and have control over those memories by immersing myself in them to

the point of full and complete feeling-knowledge of them, which included the simple fact

of their being in the past (regression therapy).  A very painful process.. but a healing one.

 

The benzos turned out to be counter productive.  They dammed feelings up and then the

dam would break and I'd be condemned to another day of being flooded with the past.

 

It all does heal.  The only thing that can slow the healing down is drugs or more trauma

like tearing off a scab.  So... we have to take care of ourselves and get strong because

as we live we are going to see and be exposed to more trauma;  that's just life. 

 

- Slappy