Benzo Related Loneliness

[[je...]]

So happy to have read this. The loneliness is so depressing

[[co...]]

Feeling really low today; back in benzo hell...

 

This tread popped up and so applies to my major 'symptom' with this wave.  I can't-I just can't figure out how it is that my whole, entire family shuns me and left me here to die alone.

 

What are they thinking?  How is it OK to ditch your mother and side with my abuser?

 

Is everything really only about money? 

 

If I had a house and some $ in the bank I know I wouldn't be alone.

 

And I'm tired of this.  Every person I have ever loved betrays me or treats me like I'm some sort of pariah.

sorry I'm such a whiner-no, I am not like this always but this wave is knocking the shit out of me...

[[ga...]]

I hope you don't mind if I jump in.  Having used lots of ambien and Ativan along with celexa over the years I can relate to that feeling of lonliness.  I have been off the meds for over a year now and what I am finding is I still have lots of worry about the "what ifs" in my life.  I am 58 and worry about being alone in the future.  I have a small family and a couple of friends I get out with on a weekly basis to play golf.  For whatever reason, I have this fear of being alone later in life.  My wife tells me you have things so good now.  I am med free finally.  How come I can't stop worrying about how things may or may not be later in life?  I still deal with bouts of insomnia and find that these thoughts can consume me during the night and then again in the morning.  Can really make me depressed.  The good news is I do pull out of it.  I just wish it would go away altogether...and maybe it will as time goes on.  I think I just have to accept things are okay and will continue to get better.  I need new friends, activities, hobbies.  Things to distract when I am consumed with these negative thoughts.  Continued good luck to all of you who are coming off these meds.  I know how tough it is.  I've been there and can well relate.

[[Sl...]]

I hope you don't mind if I jump in.  Having used lots of ambien and Ativan along with celexa over the years I can relate to that feeling of lonliness.  I have been off the meds for over a year now and what I am finding is I still have lots of worry about the "what ifs" in my life.  I am 58 and worry about being alone in the future.  I have a small family and a couple of friends I get out with on a weekly basis to play golf.  For whatever reason, I have this fear of being alone later in life.  My wife tells me you have things so good now.  I am med free finally.  How come I can't stop worrying about how things may or may not be later in life?  I still deal with bouts of insomnia and find that these thoughts can consume me during the night and then again in the morning.  Can really make me depressed.  The good news is I do pull out of it.  I just wish it would go away altogether...and maybe it will as time goes on.  I think I just have to accept things are okay and will continue to get better.  I need new friends, activities, hobbies.  Things to distract when I am consumed with these negative thoughts.  Continued good luck to all of you who are coming off these meds.  I know how tough it is.  I've been there and can well relate.

 

Hello garton.  I'm sure glad you posted that, as it reflects much of my feelings at the

worse times in my journey.

 

Have you considered talk therapy?  I ask because it really really did shine some lights

in dark areas for me, and I look back now and find that it was a major turning point

in my progress with the benzo tapering because it gave me the tools to deal with

the low points that come with each cutting cycle.

 

Either way, just being in here will help you I'm sure.  BB is full of so many people with

these issues that we're all bound to see posts by somebody who has been through

and defeated what we've had to struggle with. 

 

- Slappy

[[...]]

I've been w/ BB for a mo now and just found this thread. I also have a crippling loneliness that I think come from others not understanding what I'm going thro. They just don't get how debilatating benzo w/ds are. I've just begun this journey and don't know I can take it if it gets worse. Constant suicidal thoughts. I know it's just the benzos talking but it seems so convincing.

[[...]]

Thought I would jump in this conversation also.... The loneliness must come from lingering depressions. I'm there too!!!!! My family goes on about their life as if nothing is wrong... My husband goes out (!as he did just now) and I'm laying on the floor in misery. The only choice we really have is to lean on BB and listen to others stories and no we are truly not alone. Hopefully tomorrow  will be a better day.

 

Wishing you all a " wide open window " tomorrow morning when you wake up!!!

[[...]]

Ur right DWL. It's this overwhelming depression thats the root cause of our lonelines. Its because others can't even begin to understand the depth of darkness that we sometimes find ourselves in.

 

I know what you you mean about your family not understanding. Unless you've been there, there's no way you can understand.

 

You're right about leaning on each other. Just to talk to someone who understands is a big help.

[[Ri...]]

And along with others not understanding our experience, I think the specific kind of deep, deep despair and  loneliness that comes from benzo withdrawal is due to a particular function of the way benzos interrupt the body's natural balance of chemical and electrical processes.

 

During withdrawal and benzo recovery, we no longer feel like ourselves, because we literally are NOT ourselves - we are a chemically modified version of ourselves - living in a temporarily, semi-human body that has been chemically modified.

 

We temporarily no longer have nerve cells that are specifically human -  because of the benzos effect , our nerve cells have an architecture and function that does not allow normal emotions and thought processes to flow like they did in our pre benzo condition. What we are feeling – including the despair and loneliness, is a kind of loneliness that is specific only to benzo wd. There is no loneliness like it. This is why it feels different than any other loneliness that we have experienced in the past.

 

Also, I think the despair is especially deep and dark because of being cut off from the entirety of our being – including our soul and our connection to the Universe that we normally take for granted.

 

But when this connection is interrupted by benzo use and then the process of wd, it is obvious that something profound is wrong with our emotional body and how we relate to ourselves. This is typically called depersonalization.

 

So if you are having a difficult time with the especially nasty loneliness and despair, I hope you can get some relief from this attempt at explaining my understanding of what is going on. Now that my loneliness is gone and I have reconnected with my soul feelings, I can see what my process of emotional healing looks like in hindsight.

 

Here's the good news – you are going to get better also. You don't have to believe it. You just have to  survive until your body regenerates nerve receptors and pathways again in a drug free environment. Thanks to neuroplasticity, this WILL happen.

 

You Will feel love and joy and happiness again. I was certain I was done for good -  just like you may be feeling  -  and now I'm back and better than ever. This will happen to you too.

 

 

 

River 

 

[[ga...]]

Thanks so much for that River.  This morning when I woke up at 4 or so instead of letting my thoughts drift to despair, lonliness etc.  I tried to tell myself you can sleep over and over.  Well, I did not fall asleep but at least I kept those nasty thoughts from entering my mind.  I stayed more in the moment.  That certainly is an improvement over the last few weeks.  It shows me I do have some control over my thoughts.  Maybe one day I will actually fall back asleep.

 

[[...]]

River,

 

I agree with what you said about feeling disconnected from everything. I'm a religious person but since my tolerance w/d I've never felt so far from God. I feel I cannot pray and even if I do, He's not listening. So starts this vicious cycle of dp and loneliness causing me to lose faith and vis versa.

 

It's as tho I don't care about anything. I feel totally isolated.

 

Jim

 

[[Sl...]]

And along with others not understanding our experience, I think the specific kind of deep, deep despair and  loneliness that comes from benzo withdrawal is due to a particular function of the way benzos interrupt the body's natural balance of chemical and electrical processes.

 

During withdrawal and benzo recovery, we no longer feel like ourselves, because we literally are NOT ourselves - we are a chemically modified version of ourselves - living in a temporarily, semi-human body that has been chemically modified.

 

We temporarily no longer have nerve cells that are specifically human -  because of the benzos effect , our nerve cells have an architecture and function that does not allow normal emotions and thought processes to flow like they did in our pre benzo condition. What we are feeling – including the despair and loneliness, is a kind of loneliness that is specific only to benzo wd. There is no loneliness like it. This is why it feels different than any other loneliness that we have experienced in the past.

 

Also, I think the despair is especially deep and dark because of being cut off from the entirety of our being – including our soul and our connection to the Universe that we normally take for granted.

 

But when this connection is interrupted by benzo use and then the process of wd, it is obvious that something profound is wrong with our emotional body and how we relate to ourselves. This is typically called depersonalization.

 

So if you are having a difficult time with the especially nasty loneliness and despair, I hope you can get some relief from this attempt at explaining my understanding of what is going on. Now that my loneliness is gone and I have reconnected with my soul feelings, I can see what my process of emotional healing looks like in hindsight.

 

Here's the good news – you are going to get better also. You don't have to believe it. You just have to  survive until your body regenerates nerve receptors and pathways again in a drug free environment. Thanks to neuroplasticity, this will happen.

 

You Will feel love and joy and happiness again. I was certain I was done for good -  just like you may be feeling  -  and now I'm back and better than ever. This will happen to you too.

 

 

 

River 

 

Very nice post.. had to quote it in its entirety. 

 

That about "neuroplasticity" is a nice, positive zinger of a fact for us. 

 

- Slappy

[[...]]

I second that Slappy. I like the part about being disconnected from everything. Sometimes I feel so disconnected I have very little interest in anything whether it's eating, reading, watching TV, enjoying nature, being w/ family and friends. It's like the part of my brain that has to do w/ pleasure has been ripped away.

 

I used to be alone and not feel lonely. Now I can be w/ family and friends and feel totally isolated. It's a very scary and depressing feeling.

[[Ri...]]

I wanted to add some more about the separation from yourself. Now that I have returned to normal, it is  very interesting to look back on the process of my withdrawal. It is very clear to me now that there is a split off of emotional energy during recovery. I have used terms like soul and higher self and God and connection to the Universe – call it what you want – the point is that we are more than some cells and fluids.

 

We are animated by something that is non local. Without getting into a philosophical discussion, I wanted to make the point that the process of withdrawal and recovery creates a disconnection or the illusion of a disconnection from this essential source energy.

 

There is a split from the energy of our body system and our greter consciousness – I believe this is why we feel like we are the walking dead – because energetically, we somewhat are. Our perception and sense of our place in the Universe is reduced from what normally is a state of expanded consciousness down  to body consciousness - where we only perceive our little body- world. This feeling of body consciousness feels extremely contracted and isolated compared to the state of expanded consciousness.

 

Now that I have returned to normal consciousness, my awarenes of my place in the Universe feels HUGE.  I feel exceptionally expansive. I think this is due to the contrast of feeling only body consciousness for the 3 years of my recovery.

 

I have done enough meditation and self exploration to get a sense of myself at these higher levels of consciousness, and it does seem like this is what is taking place during benzo recovery.

 

So,  . . . this is why you feel like you cannot access your faith now During my recovery, I could not feel anything of my spiritual life. It was gone. And that was really the hardest part for me.

 

Jwl - as you get further into your recovery, you will be able to access your faith once again.

 

 

We did the crime  (took the benzo)  and now we're doing the time  -  and at some point you will be done.  You WILL get your life back. And you will probably be more grateful and more appreciative than ever before – I know I sure am.

 

 

You don't have to think you will get better - you just have to survive your recovery and you will find out for yourself.

 

 

 

River 

 

[[...]]

It's a bummer we're trapped in this body universe as u say. I have very little feelings or empathy toward others. I can't see beyond myself. I'm trapped in a world of self pity and depression.

[[Na...]]

I lost practically everything over this. My family is is gone, i had to sale out all the animals from my farm because i couldn't work no more. I had very few "friends" to begin with but since this mess, they are gone and very distant. So here i am on an em?pty mountain farm in an empty home that used to have life and spirit and here i am an empty shell of a man at once thrived on lifT nature and  own brand of spirituality. ?? Its all gone now. Nothing left but the echoes. .

~Terrain 

[[co...]]

Native

 

Me, too.  I thought I was the only one on these boards...at least you still have your home.

 

My story is long and sordid...I got involved with meds/shrinks due to longstanding abuse issues...I lost my children 15 years ago in an abusive divorce and have basically only been a 'telephone mom'...missed a good part of their lives;

 

I am in a wave-many nights of no sleep and feelings of abandonment and hopeless despair...and got kicked in the stomach by my youngest child who is displaying his skills, learned from my psychopath ex, of emotional abuse.

 

According to him I am a narcissist who is manipulating them for attention...and he doesn't need me-but I obviously need him...

 

Hard to deal with family crap, the realisation that I am truly all alone (and broke, too!).  There is a handful of friends who love me and counter the messages my family imparts to me about who I am and what my motives are...I am a good person...but at this point in my life I wonder; what am I doing exactly, that makes everyone I love shit on me in the end?

 

I am a mess...I want to die...what's the use of going on when from all indicators, I will never find the love and belonging that I have craved since childhood...

 

So, you're not the lone ranger...I'm sorry you're in a bad place too.  It's a cruel, cruel world.

[[Na...]]

Hi cookienose, none of my 3 kids will call or com by. I don't know what their mother has told them. I was never abusive in anyway whatsoever and i don't understand why everyone is treating me this way. I am a great Guy when i am well and all this abandonement just shocks me.

[[Na...]]

A simple phone call or text or email would be nice. At least it would help me see that hey i am still out here you know? I don't understand people and its the ones you helped the most.

[[co...]]

It feels like I'm mourning their deaths all over again; first when the judge took them away from me (I wasn't even there to defend myself...he used some domestic violence law-and he was the perp!) and again, now-in the middle of this hell withdrawal experience.

 

I don't know if I can bear all this...I can't sleep-I feel like I'm living my own nightmare, and the question of the day is : what am I doing to cause this kind of shit to keep happening?

[[Ri...]]

Native and Cookienose - 

 

I want to give you some hope and perspective -  the experiences that you have endured are extremely difficult under normal conditions. When you combine these experiences with benzo use and withdrawal it can feel impossible to get through.

 

For context, I want to share some background. My wd was brutal, and I had a very nurturing environment during withdrawal and the long recovery. I became afraid of my cat. I was terrified of my gardeners. And I had the best cat in the world - and the same with the gardeners.

 

Withdrawal makes everything in your world exaggerated and more negative. When you get through the period that you are in now, your world will begin to reassemble itself into a kinder and more comfortable place.

 

You cannot see this now, but those of us who have been through it know this. As your recovery progresses, the disturbing emotions that you are experiencing now will diminish, and you will begin to feel the more positive emotions of understanding, compassion, and love.

 

You WILL recover your lives. You do not have to believe it now. It will happen  - you just have to get through this difficult time and your recovery will include a new and better life.

 

My life became a disaster due to benzos, and I was absolutely certain that I would not survive my benzo wd and recovery  -  and now I am loving my new more than ever before.  This can happen to you too.

 

Right now, your brain is producing a flood of negative emotions. The process of wd also cuts us off from feeling the greater aspects of ourselves - the part of us that feels connected to life itself. The loss of this connection combined with the negative emotions makes us project into our perceived future a negative story.

 

This negative story is a lie - you will see this in time.

 

Get through this rough period and your lives will take on new meaning.

 

In time, you will see. 

 

 

 

 

River 

 

 

[[...]]

Cookienose and Native,

 

I would recommend you get on the Diazapam thread. There are people going thro similar circumstances and they're being helped by others who have gone thro them. They will help u w/ a sensible taper plan that includes minimal w/d sxs. I've also experienced extreme negative thoughts but w/ the help of BB they have improved.

[[ga...]]

I appreciate your posts RW..  I have been in a real funk the last few weeks.  Feelings of loneliness and depression come and go.  There is no good reason for this since my life is in a good place.  My adult kids are doing okay.  My wife loves me even though she gets fed up at times with my negative outlook and blue periods.  I am up in the mountain enjoying some cool weather looking out over the pine trees.  What's there to be depressed about.  I find myself sitting here at 6 a.m.  feeling down, thinking about all the possible bad things that could occur sometime later in life.  I am consciously bring myself down!  Really frustrating.  I try to tell myslelf it is just a phase I am going through and it will improve.  Funny thing is throughout the day I do seem to get some reprieves from these feelings.  I guess it is distractions.  I know how important it is to distract in any way you can.  Sometimes just don't have it in me to find those distractions.  Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

[[co...]]

Jwl

 

Thanks for the thought-but I'm already done the taper thing-and who knew? that the hell had only begun?  I am 8 months 3 weeks out from jumping.  And this is hell-and then to have my life be geniune hell, not made up in my head, but confirmed for me by someone who supposedly 'loves' me...

 

The only thing that I have, because I certainly don't have family/money/house/car/own internet connection (borrowed) is a handful of friends who disagree with the pronouncements my 'family' has made about who I am and what my motives are...I will go with that...

 

I certainly want to improve myself as a person, but need some sort of reason to stay on the planet...and it won't be about acquiring some material thing-I need connection and I need to feel as tho I belong somewhere...

 

Hard to go thur this when your basic human needs are not being met...and I don't know how I will buy groceries when my small savings gives out...things are that close to the bone.

[[...]]

Cookienose,

 

I should have looked at ur sig first. I'm sorry ur going thro so much. I can see how others think we've lost it. There are times when I question my sanity. I have to keep repeating that it's the benzos and it'll pass someday.

 

Jim

[[co...]]

I don't think I will get my family back when this withdrawal experience is over.  They are gone-how disappointing their character turned out to be so lacking.  I still wonder: is it me?  I look over all the rejections I've endured over my (too long) life-in 7th grade, the whole class decided to hate me...I lived in a little town for 3 years after my kids were taken and I was homeless...found a temporary place to stay, but had to leave that, camped in the creekbed for the summer, and when I couldn't get a job, couldn't find housing I could afford, I was asked to leave by a member of the community.  I loved that place-unfortunately, the friends that I made there were mere renters and couldn't help.

 

There is an empty house up the hill where I lived when 'married' and raising my kids...I've said it before-if I had a house, if I had not been slammed by the court system (justice to the highest bidder) when I left my abusive husband, if I had continued to be able to work at the clinic where I was employed at the time of being served the papers (RN...) if I had only had someone in my corner at critical times in my fucked up life-how would it have been? 

 

I am so confused as to how I have caused all this-it must be my fault, I've done something wrong (I have done things wrong-I should have been there more for my first child after HIS father abandoned me) I must be a shitty person, taking up precious space on this finite planet...I just want my death not to hurt, to be quick...I just want to merge with the energy of creation...shed this mortal coil....