Benzo Related Loneliness

[[Ra...]]

I guess I'm the odd man out here.  I tend to NOT want to think about all the badness that's happened over the years.  IT HURTS!!  Why would I want to make my w/d worse by thinking and dealing with those things during a w/d?

 

I lost a pet while during an acute period last fall and couldn't grieve her properly for fear of making my condition worse.  Crying made me nauseous.  So yesterday when I was in 'her' room, I picked up her blanket and smelled it.  I haven't washed it since she passed.  It smelled just like her and the tears finally flowed.  Probably not enough, but I couldn't help it.  I'm SO sensitive to everything, always have been.  For me, I don't think rethinking all the things that have hurt so bad in my life would be good for me right now.  Maybe I will be mentally unhealthy all my life because I don't want to relive all those bad memories, but I just can't do it.  I haven't been abused or anything like that, just the normal things that happen during life to everyone, death mostly is VERY hard for me.  We counted yesterday, we've lost 5 pets in the last 5 years and I've lost 2 wild animals I tried to save.  This has been very hard on me.  I know you all may think I'm silly for being so emotional over animals, but that's just how God made me.  We still have 6 animals and I pray every day for the 2 older ones.  I just don't know how talking to anyone would make me less emotional about the loss of my pets.   

 

Anyway, this is a good thread.  Thanks River Wolf for starting it.

[[Ri...]]

Rabbit -

 

I wrote this before i saw your post -

 

 

 

An interesting note -

 

During my wd and emotional storm, I happened to read somewhere that a therapist was suggesting than "no deep and meaningful change" could usually be achieved during benzo withdrawal."

 

When I read this, I completely agreed with it.

 

Now that I am far away from that period of withdrawal, I can't remember exactly why I felt this way, but I sure did.

 

I'm pretty sure it had something to do with our how solidly we are linked to our emotions.

 

During wd, these emotions are just flying around all over the place, and now, as I am solidly back in my body and mind, I can feel a solid connection to them.

 

If I were in therapy now, I see how a therapist would be talking to ME - but during wd, he would just be talking to an emotional storm.

 

Am I making any sense?

 

I know what I am trying to say, and I really feel that in my case this is true.

 

Not sure about you guys, but for me, I completely agree that therapy during wd would not be as effective as after the wd symptoms have settled down, and the DP / DR allows us to return to "self'".

 

I'm not saying that a therapist would not have value - but as far as a fundamental psychological shift is concerned, in my case, during wd was not a good time.

 

I see how a therapist could help you manage your emotional storm that is triggered by an overactive Amygdala though.

 

 

But my philosophy is - Hey, whatever works.   

 

 

I just know that you guys will be lovin' your lives after your symptoms diminish.

 

I know I sure am loving my life now. What a surprise.

 

 

 

 

River 

[[Ri...]]

Not to go on a tangent, but it reminds me of a similar dynamic - maybe - of how psychedelic drug experiences give the illusion of being valuable for psychological therapeutic transformation.

 

I hope I don't start a s**t storm over this -

 

But what really happens is that the data that we "learn" and the realizations that we seemingly have from a trip cannot be processed by our current level of consciousness. The two states of mind actually cannot relate to each other's different levels of consciousness.

 

In other words, in order to really have a true psychological transformation we must be psychologically and emotionally congruent with the experience.

 

 

I think it is a similar idea with therapy during withdrawal.

 

Yes, these emotions are on the surface where they are accessible. I sure agree there.

 

I was crying over mistakes I made when I was 12 years old during my wd. The thing is, I also remember not being able to think logically and rationally. These emotions were just being purged, and they were not organized in a manner that made sense.

 

 

I really do not want to hijack this thread with a discussion of psychedelics, please. They do not directly relate to benzo wd and should not be romanced on BB as per our guidelines. 

 

 

 

 

River

 

[[su...]]

Hi River and Rabbit11,

It's an interesting point!

During WD, everything is badly shaken around, and that, I feel is a therapy of it's own.

What real therapy in conjunction would do, I'm not sure, I never really tried it!

Certainly drugs such as LSD were tested in the past as something that might have success treating certain things, and I think they sometimes did work, but not exactly a safe way to do it, as people could get lost as well as found for want of a better way to put it.

Certainly during WD, your emotional reactions to loosing pets is not in any way strange at all,

Quite to be expected I'd venture!

 

[[Ch...]]

Wow! The idea that us long term people on benzos living in a loop of fear of fear totally describes me. And I haven't even thought of being able to break the panic attack cycle. I have had anxiety so long I push everything (emotions, thoughts) in way before I dare think about it. So, when it all comes out I try to think back to what I had been trying avoid.

Someone mentioned family thinking you should be finished by one & I feel your frustration.  I tend to isolate myself and get so mad when family complains. My 8 year old feeds off my emotions & tests me. I go to another room because I don't want my family to suffer my mood. I don't like being lonely in my own house. I know this sounds crazy but I've found that I'm getting so worked up and want to be alone to go for a walk outside. My Mom kind of pushed me by saying "just walk to the gazebo & back" each day I walked I'd try to go further. And I don't worry about getting dolled up to go out. If I do that I'll stay inside. Taking my German shepherd helps. I'm close to one neighbor that I can walk with when I'm like that. Does anyone else have that "get away from me" feeling where you can't even tolerate being touched. It's so messed up. I am thankful for this support. I would think I was going crazy!! My family won't even try to understand. The "snap out of it you are a grown woman" &"well you are not the first person to feel this way" is pushing me away.

I will get off this poison because I'm awesome underneath.

Oh to get this wall of Xanax anxiety gone!

[[Ch...]]

Surprised1 - I love how you theorize that after going through all these WD symptoms & everything else going on during this time we will be able to handle the anxiety we may or not still have. I think you are right. I can compare it to when I broke my femur. Worst pain ever. After that, my c section was no pain. It all goes back to our brain healing. I originally took Xanax because I didn't want to feel my panic attacks. Through this process I've read things people are going through that's worse than a panic attack. Plus now I understand so much more about what's going on in my body & mind to make me feel so uncomfortable. Plus now I have this wonderful support group.

River - are you a motivational speaker or what?? The way you write things & explain them feels like you are reading my thoughts in my mind. It means a lot to me that there are people like you on here that has gone through what I am or night go through as I start my taper. You could have said "I'm better see ya later BBs, but you didn't. Or haven't. Thank you!

[[su...]]

Hi ChiMom,

I think that's the best aspect of coming on BB.

That fear loop, the massive time it runs for, and when you're in it, you just can't believe how intence it can get specially on a bad day, and how you feel that you are definitely off the rails and you've snapped, and your brain has learned a new place to run and you are in it for life!!!

No one else could ever get this, and it feels purminant like that learned behaviour will be with you for ever!!!

I've just been dealing with some real life genuine fear issues, things that are totally real and have every reason to make any person out there be very worried for a while.

I can tell you that, yes, it's bad and nasty, and I was facint legal stuff, property damage to my house, and basicly a person intent on screwing me over!

Well, the actual level of anxiety and fear from all that was acttually quite a bit less than my worse days of the nameless benzo kind of directionless fear!

So, yep, it is bad!

Still, being on here is proof of two things that I needed to know and would have had a lot of trouble believing.

1: it's perfectly normal, Many people get the exact same thing.

2: it definitely, definitely will and does heal and winds back over time.

3: it is not linier.

If you feel 6 times worse today than you did yesterday, it is a wave. It is not your healing failing.

4: you will have your own timeline.

for some it's a week or 2, for others it could be 4 years. All are possible, and all do happen!

That knowlege, that asurence that you are not the freek who has snapped and lost it, can almost be enough to half heal you, just on its own!

That, IMHO, is the buty of BB, and how it has helped and saved so many people!

 

[[Ch...]]

Thanks surprised1!

[[Sl...]]

"3: it is not linier.

If you feel 6 times worse today than you did yesterday, it is a wave. It is not your healing failing.

4: you will have your own timeline."

 

I relate to those two points very very much.  Wanting so badly to have a strict, predictable time

line and a "graduation date" out there to look forward to:  the day I jump off my last dose.

 

Well, I hung that up the first time I realized I had to "hold" on a dose because my "two week cuts"

were not always stabilizing me.  I did vow to NEVER go back to an old, higher dose and to just

tough out the extra time it takes to stabilize before the next cut.  That thing of never going back

to an old higher dose is a weekly struggle sometimes, but NO WAY;  I want to go in one direction

and that direction is less and less benzo each time, whether it's two weeks on a dose or six weeks

on a dose.

 

- Slappy

[[su...]]

Hi Slappy,

Yep, it's never going to quite do what you want!

Still, You have the exact right idea, always down, even if it's not quite as fast as you'd hoped!

One day, benzo free/flush day will come and that will be a big milestone!

It doesn't neseceraly mean the end of symptoms, but it is for some.

You shouldn't have too much trouble, as you've tapered properly, which many of us didn't!!!

 

[[Sl...]]

Hi Slappy,

Yep, it's never going to quite do what you want!

Still, You have the exact right idea, always down, even if it's not quite as fast as you'd hoped!

One day, benzo free/flush day will come and that will be a big milestone!

It doesn't neseceraly mean the end of symptoms, but it is for some.

You shouldn't have too much trouble, as you've tapered properly, which many of us didn't!!!

 

Thank you for the vote of confidence, surprised1.   

 

Yeah, I'm ready for my crazy self to emerge once I've finished the taper and jumped.  Heck,

I've been living with me for a long long time and I can hardly wait to move this dirty window

called clonazepam that is between me and the world out of the way. 

 

- Slappy

[[su...]]

Hi Slappy,

Yep, you can do it, and you'll end up feeling better than you did before it all started, this nightmair is quite a mental detox which is probably the only good thing we can say for it!!!

 

[[Sl...]]

Hi Slappy,

Yep, you can do it, and you'll end up feeling better than you did before it all started, this nightmair is quite a mental detox which is probably the only good thing we can say for it!!!

 

etc.. 

 

- Slappy

[[ov...]]

I am new and I so relate to the loneliness.  I am agorphobic as of 8/13 because of the burning skin pain.  I hide if someone comes to the door.  Rabbit 11, I so relate to your despair over your pet.  I am an animal lover too.  I have 2 furkids and my older boy is over 12 yrs now, so every day is precious with him.  Except sometimes I cannot even bear to be in the same room with my furkids, I get so angry.........Last May I was competing in dog sports, now I am photosensitive and cannot go out into the sun.  I just crossed over from temazepam to valium 2 weeks ago, decided to hold 1 more week before tapering.  I am 66 and want to get this over with but I found there is no hurrying this process, I withdrew the klonopin waaaay too fast and am paying the price with many s/x.  Thanks for the blog!

Overcomer 

[[Ri...]]

Overcomer -

 

Hold on, the loneliness will pass. . .

 

I know how hard it is to deal with the loneliness, along with your other symptoms, but if you move in the direction away from benzos you will get yourself back.

 

I am proof that one can go from hopeless to happy - and you can do it too.

 

 

 

River 

 

 

 

[[Bl...]]

I have been Benzo free for 9 months. But for some reason, I am in a wave today. Along with the wave comes a feeling of loneliness and a sense of vulnerability. I do not know what to do to help myself out of this funk. I do not like this 

 

Blue

[[Sl...]]

I have been Benzo free for 9 months. But for some reason, I am in a wave today. Along with the wave comes a feeling of loneliness and a sense of vulnerability. I do not know what to do to help myself out of this funk. I do not like this 

 

Blue

 

Hi Blue. 

 

What would you do for a person expressing those things?  How would you help them? 

[[su...]]

Hi Bluebell,

Do you feel like being alone during this, or are you more ike me, where you want people around, perhaps go out and do something with friends etc?

At least, you know the feeling for what it is, a wave, and you've presumably seen it being good in the past, and you know it will be good again, so you can say totaly truethfully to yourself that it is just a wave, and it will go away again in a day or so, maby even less!

 

[[Ri...]]

Blue -

 

 

One of the characteristics of withdrawal is that at a fundamental level, something happens in the thinking and feeling processes that when you are in a wave it makes you think that your symptoms will last forever.

 

Just knowing this can help you manage this illusory feeling of doom.

 

Don't let it get you down - it is just another benzo lie.

 

 

 

River 

[[Bl...]]

Thank you for your support.

 

Blue

[[Ra...]]

River Wolf, thank you for your never ending encouragement.

 

Blue, I'm sorry you are in a wave today, but as others have said, you know it's temporary.  I hope you feel better soon 

[[su...]]

Hi Blue,

Yep, River's got it in one!

I think we've all been there, and, no it doesn't really last for ever!

 

[[Sl...]]

Blue -

 

 

One of the characteristics of withdrawal is that at a fundamental level, something happens in the thinking and feeling processes that when you are in a wave it makes you think that your symptoms will last forever.

Just knowing this can help you manage this illusory feeling of doom.

 

Don't let it get you down -it is just another benzo lie.

 

 

 

River 

 

VERY much worth reposting.     

 

- Slappy

[[ov...]]

I hate the lonliness!

Overcomer

[[su...]]

Hi Blue,

Yep, me too!

I Love Rivers posts!!!