18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[ne...]]

translator .....Clean?  Hell no! 

 

On a good day I can just about flick a duster over the TV. I`m leaving the cobwebs till next Christmas so I can spray them with glitter and watch the spiders get their little feet stuck!

 

Sofa...sorry to hear about your not eating. It`ll pass! These damn symptoms will make us the toughest people on this planet. Hope the power walks help.

 

 

[[tr...]]

Nice to hear that I'm not alone with no energy cleaning. Sometimes it's hard to just switch the channel on the TV. It is completely incomprehensible that you can become so powerless. Drinking water in the bathroom, it's too hard to go to the kitchen.

 

Just not the caretaker wants to come in, and look under the sink! When I open the door to the closet, everything goes out on the floor, everything is so wrinkled! Here's chaos a thousand times.

[[so...]]

Translator,

 

I saw a reply you posted on a scary protracted thread full of doom and gloom.  We’ve all been victims of the scarier protracted board posts.  I suggest you avoid reading that board as best you can.  I know it’s hard to avoid sometimes, but it sounds like you are getting triggered by some of the severely protracted people’s posts.

 

Just a suggestion.  I’ve had to crawl out of many rabbit holes after reading some disturbing posts myself.

 

Sofa

[[tr...]]

It`s  OK! The anxiety, and the fear, because I will never be well comes and goes. Sometimes I'm in hell, and otherwise I'm trying to work with positive thoughts. The last thing I want is to scare others. But sometimes it's a moment when everything feels so hopeless. And I must not forget about all the 40 symptoms I've lost. Now I'm "just" left extreme weakness, palpitations, breathing problems and a feeling of stiffening. That I quit CT after so many years was not very successful but there was no other option more than buying in the street.

 

In addition, I can`t make it work with smileys, usually with those looking happy and laughing. Without them, that sounds a bit worse than it is.

[[tr...]]

Just have to say I'm so happy and grateful for this forum. Everybody understands, comforts and just knows how it is. Sometimes it can be difficult for the environment to get into what you're going through; "I'm stuck with my palms and feet in the ceiling. Now I fell through the bed, I lay on the mattress or on the floor?" Even the weakness was difficult to explain when I could not pour the milk or cut the food. "can you close the door, I do not have enough power to do that,please?""

 

It's probably too hard for dear to understand that the healing takes so long. I am completely desperate when I read about others where the family can not or do not want to understand. My dear ones are absolutely amazing, never ever a bad word. How are you doing, do they understand how difficult everything is?

[[so...]]

My family doesn’t “understand.”  If you’ve never gone through this yourself, how could you?  My family knows I am going through something very bizarre that I call withdrawal.  They know it happened as a result of me taking, then stopping, the drugs prescribed to me.

 

My family pretends nothing is wrong.  After all, to look at me you’d think I was fine.  They don’t know that, no matter how well I fake it, there is a storm brewing inside me.

 

Sofa

[[so...]]

I’m happy you don’t get triggered by protracted people’s posts.  There are many good, intelligent, well-meaning people who post on that board.  I just read your reply on a thread and I thought you got spooked.

 

Sofa

[[tr...]]

Sofakingdone, thanks for being so caring!

It hurts that you do not get that much understanding in this battle in hell. I tried to explain my love by showing them "What is happening in your brain/ Parker". This article is included in "Postwithdrawal Recovery Support." I did underline about the most important thing, otherwise it may be too much for them. After this, they have begun to understand. I have also shown them articles from health care.

 

This is embarrassing, but I don`t know how to use smileys. Help! and thanks!

[[Ca...]]

To use a smiley, just click on Reply and then look above the box and you will see the different faces and click on the one you want and it will drop right in to the box.

 

Hope that helps!

[[so...]]

Translator,

 

My family asks what I’m feeling like.  As you know, our symptoms are sometimes so strange and alien to us that we just don’t have the words to adequately describe how this feels.  Everything I ever say falls so short of how horrible I’m feeling.

 

If I say it feels like electricity is coursing through my body, they think of getting a little shock or zap because that’s all they’ve ever gotten.  If I say my head pulsates 24/7 non-stop, they think it’s like a headache.  If I tell them I wake up every morning at 3am in utter terror, with my heart flopping wildly and my head whooshing, they just shake their heads and say wow.  My son-in-law is a doctor and tries to equate what I’m feeling to patients he’s sedated with these drugs (he’s an anesthesiologist), but he never sees them after surgery so he has no idea what I’m talking about, nor what withdrawal is like, except for how I describe it.  He knows benzos are dangerous drugs and he no longer uses them on patients.

 

Sofa

[[tr...]]

It's really hard to explain how you feel, you must have gone through hell yourself. I usually say it's like when you have flu and 40 degrees fever month after month. Also says that it is the same weakness as when you have been in bed for several years + a lot of symptoms that must be investigated by a neurologist. So it's very hard to explain.....

[[Te...]]

Does the fact that symptoms keep lingering cause anxiety for any of you....

I started PT for my upper arm/shoulder and the exercises they make me do really shows how weak that I've become...which I'm then talking positive thoughts to myself during treatment....my arm is very sore,stiff,muscles hurt to the point I can hardly manage to put my bra on....I'm praying PT will help

Happy New Years everyone

TM

 

[[tr...]]

Mornings are awful! My anxiety has disappeared but wakes up because I almost suffocate, it also pushes very hard over the chest. Continuing as weak. Is that the same for you?

[[so...]]

Translator,

 

For almost 38 months, every morning the withdrawal wakes me up with cortisol/adrenaline rushes.  Never once, not one morning, has this abated.  Always the same.

 

Sofa

[[tr...]]

Sofakingdone: Almost 38 months, I'm so sorry for your suffering!  Have any symptoms been better during the last months, or is it status quo?

 

In 3 weeks I have to take a new photo to ID and driving license. How will I then look? Unfortunately, I have to wear my blanket and my pyjamas. The photographer will look like a bird cave!

[[so...]]

Translator,

 

Many symptoms have left, some have returned periodically.  The two that started when I jumped off the meds have not left.  They will go eventually.  I have faith.

 

Sofa

[[tr...]]

Today I'm so sorry, just cry.All are so hopeless, it's getting worse and worse. The body is dumb, hardly hurrying to lift my arms. But at the same time it hurts. The voices on TV are so unpleasant. Can hardly breathe.

 

I live alone, everything is chaos, but I just can not clean. Who is the monster like hunting past the mirror? I just do not know what to take care of.

 

Sorry!

 

[[Ch...]]

The last few days have been rough. I was doing a little better and then on Christmas Eve I felt dizzy all of a sudden and almost fell over in the shower. I've been having dizzy spells since and increased anxiety and the breathing issues were worse today. The DP/DR is still an issue. I got really confused and especially dizzy and anxious out of nowhere about an hour ago. Sometimes I feel like I am literally losing my mind, which is one of the scariest feelings there is.

95% of me believes this is just withdrawal and that healing has to be around the corner. The other 5% of me thinks it is something else, though I've been to the doctor enough times and even been tested for Lyme with both a negative and a false positive result (I took two separate tests). Then they told me that the tests aren't good to begin with and you could test negative and be positive. I guess that if I had Lyme things would have gotten a lot worse instead of slowly better, minus the waves. I guess I'm confused and scared and having a bad day. FFS, I'm almost 19 months out. Shouldn't I be a lot better by now? Winter isn't helping, either. I would give a lot to be free of this. I guess I just really need some encouragement.

[[an...]]

Chigirl I could have written exactly what you wrote!

 

I just posted my 2 year update in the benzo free celebrations area. It was kinda long and didn’t want to crowd the thread here.

 

I could scream at how bad I just want to feel NORMAL for 1 day.

[[Ch...]]

As much as I don't want anyone to go through this, it's comforting to know I'm not alone. I'm glad you're getting better. I read your post. I can relate to the health anxiety and just the slowness of this whole process. It's excruciating. I was functional, though hardly healed, before my setback in May and it hasn't gotten back to even close to that yet. DP/DR is the biggest culprit in that, though the anxiety and cog fog are a close second and third. Some stuff is improving.

Maybe I'm partially stressed because I have to see a new doctor in a couple weeks. I really need a physical, but I don't trust doctors anymore and I get really frustrated and freaked out when I have to explain my situation. They normally don't believe me and that this is a thing and it causes me considerable stress. Plus, I have health anxiety and I go into appointments assuming the worst. Not healthy. By all accounts, she is a good doctor who is into functional medicine and not so much into doling out meds. I am just tired and stressed out. Plus, I don't have insurance. My parents will pay for it and I will feel guilty. Ugh. I just want my life back so, so bad so I can feel like a real person, feel good again (it's been sooo long), and have a chance to be responsible and self-sufficient. I don't even remember what that's like and it leaves me with a lot of guilt.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble...it's just been a bad day. I was looking back at some journal entries and I guess it's about time for a wave. Plus, Christmas and winter and I jumped off of Kavinace about three weeks ago. The perfect stirm, perhaps. It brings back the benzo lies, the anxiety, and the depression. Yay for super happy fun times. 🎉

[[Lo...]]

It does get easier unfortunatly at a snails pace. Normally things die down to a few bastard symptoms that hang around. Sofa with the head stuff, me with exhaustion its the benzo lottery what you end up with but it all goes away eventually provided you are completely off all medication.

 

Hang in there buddies

[[so...]]

Chigrrrl,

 

You are only 19 months out and how you are feeling is very typical.  As Lockie said, the symptoms we get are the benzo withdrawal lottery.  Listen to your body and keep reminding yourself that these symptoms are not typical of a normal illness, regardless of what you read on this forum about how these symptoms mimic other diseases.  You KNOW your body.  I have an actual virus now, one that is going around our area.  I have the typical symptoms of a virus—diarrhea, nausea, chills, fever.  That’s the virus.  I’m in withdrawal, though, so the virus has also kicked up some long gone withdrawal symptoms—electricity in legs, RLS, racing heartbeat, nightly wakeups.  I can tell the difference. 

 

No disease or virus causes DP/DR or the other symptoms you’re describing.  It’s your withdrawal lottery.  You may want to reconsider getting a physical at this point.  Many people report their blood work came back a bit wacky during withdrawal.  All the symptoms you tell the doctor you have will probably be met with a blank stare, unless you are seeing a very benzo-wise doctor, and those are few and far between.  That’s why withdrawal has gone on unrecognized and invalidated for 70 years.  There is big money to be made in the medical community to keep prescribing these drugs, and no incentives for the doctors to stop drugging their patients.

 

I have known all along, for 38 months, that this is a result of me jumping off Ativan CT.  The gates of hell opened up 24 hours later.  I saw the direct cause and effect.  I went to the ER twice early on in withdrawal and was met with the dumbest uncaring looks on doctors’ faces.  They ordered their typical CBC blood workups.  All normal.  The last time I saw a doctor was 6 months out.  I am not telling you not to get your physical or see a doctor for reassurance.  Just go to your appointment with an open mind that you may just be in withdrawal, that can’t be confirmed in any typical blood work, and that any diagnosis thrown your way may just be wrong.

 

Sofa

 

 

[[an...]]

I went at 1 year off and had a full work up too. All normal. Definitely in withdrawal. Sometimes I think I need to go get a check up too but I’m too terrified of these doctors. Then I get even more scared that they will find something wrong. Double edged sword.

 

Hope you feel better soon sofa. I’ve had a virus for about 3 weeks now and it’s lingering so much longer than it needs to. I believe I had some form of tonsillitis. Not fun but almost over. Get well soon.

[[Ch...]]

Thanks, all. It's just been a rough couple weeks. Today was a little better. I was maybe an iota less dizzy and definitely less anxious, but the elephant on the chest/breathing issues are back, so that sucks. It's certainly not as bad as it used to be, at least.

Normally I manage ok and do all the things and tell myself all the stuff, but it got to be too much this week and I appreciate you listening to my gripes and being encouraging. I'm grateful for that.

I think it is easier earlier on, in the sense that you don't second-guess that it is withdrawal so much. Over a year it is harder to believe and disappointing when you're not healed yet. Negativity isn't helpful in these situations, but sometimes it's all a bit much. I do have faith that I'll see a bit of improvement soon.

Spring should help. Illinois is a kick in the head this time of year: no real sun, no vitamin D, cold as hell, and sometimes treacherous when you have to leave the house. Tonight my whole county is sheet ice. It started to rain when we left a hockey game thirty miles away and withdrawal has made me a bad passenger in good weather situations. It wasn't fun, to say the least, but we made it home ok. I'm getting a little better at going to my happy place, too, I guess.

Anyway, I agree with everything you said about the doctor, Sofa. I know all of that, but it's nice that others get it. Frankly, I don't have a regular doctor anymore and immediate care in my town is awful. I need a regular doctor, just in case. I had an integrative medicine doctor that was ok until he got me on Kavinace and now I don't trust him, either. The appointment I have in a couple weeks is with another functional medicine doctor who isn't big on prescribing meds. I'm going to print out a list of links to peer reviewed studies so I can not look like a complete headcase. We'll see how it goes. I know that "you just have anxiety" means it's withdrawal. I'm not sure if I feel good about blood work yet, but my first appointment is sort of a sit down with the doctor, which already makes me feel a little better. I'm trying to be optimistic, but I don't honestly expect understanding anymore. I've only ever gotten that from my optician, which almost made me cry because it is so rare and so comforting to be validated in this process by anyone that isn't also suffering.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Thanks again for the encouragement.

[[tr...]]

I just don`t know what to do, everything feels so hopeless. I know I'll heal over time, but feel so pessimistic.

This is not a normal life, serving as human to 20%. Has difficulty breathing, it pushes over the chest, internal vibration and can`t do anything. Feeling completely paralyzed both physically and mentally. What is going on?

 

I want to live a normal life, not in a prison where the reality outside the window is another world. Life goes on a depressive wait, no light in the tunnel. Just taking me to the bathroom is heavy, and I'm going back to the couch.

 

This is no life, it's a nightmare. Is there anyone who experiences life in the same way? Sorry!