18 - 30 Month Plus Group

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Thanks TM, I just feel out of my mind. I can cope with pain, but this mental torture and fear is too much recently. Do you get this too, where you just feel exhausted from the brain torture and so spaced out? I just don’t know what’s going on abdcthe connective tissue is like it’s shrunk and pulling everything. I just don’t see others with this and I’m worried. I’m glad you had a calmer day, that’s encouraging at least. Do you feel in panic most of the time too? It’s just crazy torture.  Hugs

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Stupid success stories! I hate them. How can someone be on equivalent 1000mg of valium and heal in 14 months ffs. I was on 6- 8mg st the most. What’s the point. Sorry, I’m venting so much, I’m exhsused and so brain damaged. It’s triggered me so much. WTF 😭

[[Fl...]]

I know, Marj.  It's so difficult to feel happy for others when you are suffering so much.  It just isn't fair.  :'(. Are you feeling any better?

[Guest [Le...]]

Stupid success stories! I hate them. How can someone be on equivalent 1000mg of valium and heal in 14 months ffs. I was on 6- 8mg st the most. What’s the point. Sorry, I’m venting so much, I’m exhsused and so brain damaged. It’s triggered me so much. WTF 😭

 

Hi Marj, I completely understand your frustration and puzzlement, and I’ve often wondered about this myself.

 

Although I’m not a doc or scientist, I have the theory that once your GABA_A neurotransmitters have been clobbered by, say, 2 mg of Ativan, then they’re clobbered, period. Any amount above what’s needed to inflict maximum damage is just overkill, and ‘more’ perhaps can’t downregulate already-thrashed neurotransmitters any further. Many members have been knocked down by very small amounts indeed, so the amounts required to inflict maximum damage may vary with indivuals.

 

The other element that supports this (in my mind) is that people generally seem to have the worst trouble getting off the last bits, whereas they were able to take greater and speedier cuts when their doses were still in the stratosphere.

 

I don’t know if there’s any truth to any of that, but it seems reasonable to me. 

 

[[Te...]]

Is still hard to believe that four years out and seems that some days are way worse then last year.....wtf

Marj....I'm all over the place in emotions ....and it seems my emotions can bring on different physical symptoms..

 

Ok so last night I paid the price for the happy feelings I had because I don't know if I ate something bad but high anxiety came on with terrible physical symptoms I laid in bed awake most of the night with a tight throat and chest...I was thinking of a heart attack......but thus morning my body was buzzing and skin burning with heavy body.....my chest is still tight....unbelievable

 

TM

 

[[so...]]

I corrected my post to say MARJ, not Math.  Damn autocorrect.

 

Hahahaaaaa

 

Sofa

[[so...]]

Leslie,

 

Being such a low dose short-timer myself, your post really helped me wrap my mind around this, which has caused me mental torture for the past 37 months.  Thank you, my friend.  Words of wisdom, even if you’re full of crap.  Hahahaaaaa.  If you are full of shit, I’ll have another slice of that poop 💩 pie.

 

Sofa

[[Lo...]]

I agree once the damage is done its a long road back.  Unfortunatly for some of us that damage is done in a very short space of time.

 

 

[[an...]]

I remember feeling not good after taking it for about a week. But I ignored it thinking it was my Ptsd because that’s what the doctors told me. Ugh. I hate them.

[[Vi...]]

Thanks for saying that Sofa ❤️

 

I’m no stronger than anyone having to endure such a hard WD. I’m not at work this week, I just can’t, my brain is being fried and I’m totally freaking out in total terror. This has been bad, but this is the worst it’s been. I don’t understand and I really think I’m having a breakdown. Stuck in bed, every noise feels like a threat. I just think about everyone getting better and I can’t bare it. I don’t mean that bad, I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I daren’t tell you my thoughts, but they are scary. I’m losing it after all this time 😭

Please marj find some strength to go on, it will get better. Maybe healing right around the corner. Parker use to say it is hurting bc is healing. I'm sending a big hug for you :hug:and please let us know how you doing.

Love and healing for you all

Vica

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Stupid success stories! I hate them. How can someone be on equivalent 1000mg of valium and heal in 14 months ffs. I was on 6- 8mg st the most. What’s the point. Sorry, I’m venting so much, I’m exhsused and so brain damaged. It’s triggered me so much. WTF 😭

 

Hi Marj, I completely understand your frustration and puzzlement, and I’ve often wondered about this myself.

 

Although I’m not a doc or scientist, I have the theory that once your GABA_A neurotransmitters have been clobbered by, say, 2 mg of Ativan, then they’re clobbered, period. Any amount above what’s needed to inflict maximum damage is just overkill, and ‘more’ perhaps can’t downregulate already-thrashed neurotransmitters any further. Many members have been knocked down by very small amounts indeed, so the amounts required to inflict maximum damage may vary with indivuals.

 

The other element that supports this (in my mind) is that people generally seem to have the worst trouble getting off the last bits, whereas they were able to take greater and speedier cuts when their doses were still in the stratosphere.

 

I don’t know if there’s any truth to any of that, but it seems reasonable to me. 

 

 

Thanks Leslie for writing this, it calmed me down a little. I'm hypersensitive as I imagine most are in this. I hit the ceiling so easily and seem to stay there till someone gets me down. It worries me so much as, I know I've always been sensitive, but OMG, it's like an atomic bomb going off in my brain.

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Vica and TM I relate to all you both say, thank you for your support, it really means a lot. I agree TM, it feels worse than before, it can be like that apparently. It doesn't help though when its like this for us. You're all so sweet, I wish this would just leave us in peace. Enough is enough.

 

Thanks Sofa again, we all have our own personal hell in this. I've come back to work today after 4 days off, just couldn't do it and it wasn't any better at home. I actually hate how I'm judged for working, they've no idea, not a clue.

 

I got here and telling myself to keep going and then got an email from my son's college complaining about his assignments and stuff. I'm a basket case over it, not on this planet. As i read it I could feel the adrenaline coursing through my body.I feel so bad for not parenting like i used to, all the thoughts are horrible. It's not even a big deal but it's made me feel 'breakdown' again. I worry all this and the damage it is doing to us. Sick of saying it will pass. I guess it will, but for now OMG

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The stress today has just sent me insane, having to come back to work when in an awful, awful spell, worse than ever and then the stuff with my son.  Will it pass? I’m desperate. I read of everyone having improvements even if they’re still bad. What’s wrong with me? Just went for a walk out of work and just wanted to lay on the floor in the freezing mud. Am I just ill? I was never this bad at the beginning, not consistently like this last few weeks.

[[so...]]

Marj,

 

You are going to be okay, sweetheart.  You are stressed about your son, so your nerves kicked up a bit.  When they kick up, they go back down.  Just like a see-saw. 

 

You are in a rough patch right now and it will pass.  It always does. 

 

Hugs,

 

Sofa

[[Lo...]]

Hi Marj , it breaks my heart to see you hurting so much. I wish you all the best in recovery. I wish there is something i could do to help. We are all here to lend an ear and try to get you through this. I have some points to make and i mean them with all due respect my dear friend.

 

Its not fair on anyone when we hear about your suffering and worsening condition without any valid reason when you are actually tapering off antidepressants. It is fine to vent and post whenever you like , we are here for you but please be truthful about meds and tapering. There is no judgement from us on here - we just want to see you get better and help you through this shit!

 

Everyone (including myself) just hear about you getting worse 4 years out and scares the shit out of us. We assume you are just getting worse for no reason and we start getting anxious wondering and waiting for setbacks when infact you have a reason for why you are struggling.

 

I am proud of you for tapering off them my friend. I think you are making the right decision. What was your original mg dose and what are you on now?

[[so...]]

Marj,

 

I am also proud of you for tapering off your AD.  This is obviously not easy.  I CT’d Ativan and Gabapentin on the same day and the gates of hell opened up.  Eventually, and I mean s-l-o-w-l-y, things began easing up a bit.  You are headed in the right direction, no matter how bad it feels to you right now.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other and the days will get better.

 

Sofa

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OMG I’m freaking out!!!! Is this for others benefit to do this to me?  I’m not tapering off. I had previously and stopped because it wasn’t helping. I hadn’t for ages and made a tiny, tiny  cut. I speak with Ian about this and he doesn’t believe it’s all to do with that, it’s just how some people are as he supports so many who are as bad off on nothing else and never have been. This was never about another med and I’ve never been not truthful, yet since joining here I found there is judgement and people say stuff that is often not true and misinformed, makes it worse and feeds the fear,  so that’s why I never said anything as I found it safer for me. I was never scared of the ad, until other people scared me. Now I feel ‘outed’ that everyone thinks it’s because of that when this is my journey and like Ian says it can and is certainly like this for so many. I don’t know what to say anymore, I’m so upset that at this and now people will think I’m dishonest. I’m beside myself.  Just to clarify, I was tapering, tiny bits and stopped months and months ago, stupidly made a tiny cut weeks ago. I’m so uncomfortable talking about this publically, now everyone will steam in with their 2 cents and make me worse. I can’t tell you how much I’ve been freaked out about the AD from other sources and have talked ‘privately’ to moderators here. I’m in benzo WD and for me it’s bad because I have a lot of stress. I can’t tell you how upset I am. I’m sorry, this is not right. Just because I’m bad doesn’t mean anyone will be like me, just like I have never had windows all the way through, without doing anything. I hate ive has to write this, it’s not right, I’m struggling so badly enough.

[[Lo...]]

Nobody is doing anything to you Marj.Read what i wrote again. Nobody is judging or attacking you we just want to help and see you get better. I dont think its coincidence you made cuts and are getting worse. ADs lose their effect and have horrible WDs as well so making cuts while in tolerance can put you in a really bad place.

 

I just dont see how you can be 4 years out and getting worse without any external influences. At the end of the day Ian is just one man with one opinion and you take his word for gospel - he could be wrong.. There are other benzo experts that swear you must be off all psyc meds to begin the real healing process. The fact you have started to taper is awesome and i believe with all my heart you are on the right track.

 

 

 

 

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I cannot believe I’ve been backed into a corner to put ‘others’ worry over my suffering to rest. I would never do this to someone suffering.

[[Lo...]]

Nobody is backing you into a corner

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I trust Ian whole heartedly, he has 30 years experience with 1000’s and yes people can get worse as time goes on. He is supporting many, a lot actually who have never taken anything and they are just like me, unlucky. Please stop and I’m not saying that aggressively, it’s just feeding my fear,  I just can’t do this and certainly not here . I get advice and help  from Don Killian too, he says exactly the same as Ian, you do not have to be off everything to heal. I don’t want to do this here, I’m too fragile. We are all individual, plus I had a lot of trauma at the start. 

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I’m sorry if my suffering has upset anyone, try living it, working, supporting 2 kids on your own, basically having to get on with life. I’m also sorry for all this, which only I know what has been going on and this is not how it is. I won’t be posting here again. I don’t want to fall out with anyone, it’s not my thing. I can not justify my suffering to appease others who might be comparing themselves with me. The main goal here is to survive.

[[so...]]

Marj,

 

Okay, let’s relax.

 

First, let’s talk about Ian and Don, two men, two opinions that happen to agree.  Now consider Baylissa’s advice to you.  She thought the AD might be the problem.  Different opinion than Ian and Don’s.  You chose to heed the advice of Ian and Don, not Baylissa’s.  That’s what we do.  We sponge in advice and then we decide what we think is best for ourselves. 

 

Second, regarding Ian’s expertise and experience.  He suggested to NCT that she try Lyrica for her pain.  Now look at what happened to LeslieAsh after she was put on Lyrica four months ago.  Leslie posted on this thread that her pain is 100 times worse as a result of taking Lyrica.  So Ian is not the ultimate expert on giving perfect advice, obviously. 

 

Also, regarding Ian’s story.  For all these 20 years Ian has maintained he healed in 18 months.  He has now changed his story recently, per Racksha and others on this forum and per other counselors who know him.  It took him several YEARS to heal.  He never wanted to reveal it because he thought it would be better counseling others if he maintained a more hopeful story.  Well, I’m at 37.5 months off and still suffering.  His 18 month healing story hasn’t given me one ounce of hope.

 

As far as Don and Ian go, I commend them.  They both have the best of intentions and they are only trying to help people the best they can and give them hope.  It doesn’t make them “experts” on withdrawal or anything else.  It makes them compassionate people.  Let’s not make them out to be soothsayers and icons.  They are just kind caring people trying to help.

 

Marj, you are spinning out of control unnecessarily.  Lately, your posts have been scaring people because you have been reporting you have been feeling so much worse recently, with absolutely no change in your routine.  That is not true and Lockie merely pointed out that you recently made a cut to your AD.  Bringing this out, on Lockie’s part, that there may be something that’s causing this, has given others on this thread relief.  This is a very scary journey.  When you shed some light on possible “causes,” it gives others much needed reassurance.  No one is saying you have been dishonest, Marj, but you haven’t been entirely forthcoming either, which you admitted.  You had your reasons.  Just step back a minute now and look at the big picture.  Is it better to have people believe you are getting worse the further you are in this for no reason?  Or would it be better to lay your cards on the table and let people support you knowing your whole story.  I think the support you’d get would be more helpful if people knew the whole story.  How useful is advice when people have no idea what’s going on?  It’s like going to the doctor telling him your stomach hurts and you have diarrhea, but not telling him you ate rat poison.  How useful would his advice be with that omission?

 

At the end of the day, Marj, you need to do what you feel is best for YOU.  Regardless of what you perceive people think of you, these are your perceptions, not the truth.  We are not judging you and we are here to support you.  Lockie’s heart is breaking for you.  He wants to help you, as we all do.

 

Sofa

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It’s not just Ian and Don. There’s Una and dearly departed Hilda from Cita another charity here in the U.K. Please don’t disclose private conversations I’ve had on here, that is really not fair and unethical Raksha is mentioned, she’s worse and on nothing. I’m sorry my posts have been freaking people out. No one said. This is my last post here, no one knows how this is affecting me. Please leave it now. I seriously could not do this to someone who is suffering and then dissect everything and divulge private messages.  Know of so very many who are like me, further out, on nothing, not tapering or anthing. If people want to draw their own conclusions as to what is going on with me for their own peace of mind and at my demise then I cannot control that. Everyone is so ‘hapoy’ to suck up what I’ve told you what Ian says, when it helps. Feel free to discredit him now. I speak to him directly, it’s not second hand, I know about his recovery first hand. I’m sorry it’s cone to this, too many sick peoplesrawing their own conclusions and after all this is a support group. This is not. I wonder how many others there are like me? Too frightened to say because of opinions that have no evidence. I’ve said my piece and it’s from my heart. It’s sad that this has happened, but it has. Again I would never do this to another person suffering and certainly would not continue it. If this comes across aggressive, I really don’t mean it to, I’m just not coping with such stuff like this. I’m sorry.

[[an...]]

Thank you for bringing the truth to light. I put two and two together on Facebook and that prevented me from posting here because I am new to this thread.