18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[Ch...]]

I try not to come on here and wallow too much, because it seems self-indulgent and not helpful...but lately has been tough and a lot of it is because I just am scared this isn't going to end. I always tell others that it will get better, but I'm having trouble believing it right now and I desperately need encouragement.

 

I think I've had a strange recovery so far, which is why I get worried sometimes. I had a bad taper, but things were at 85% (I was going out, driving, seeing friends, and functioning more or less normally) most of the time post-taper until 11 months later and I was in a hell worse than my taper. I'm in month 20 right now and I just feel like, whilst I am better than I was at month 11, I've not improved much at all since October; actually, I feel worse. The DP/DR has been utterly horrible since then...I feel like only 50% of me exists; like I have one foot on Earth and the other in the ether. I get confused and feel like I am losing control of my mind...like the "me" in my brain is slipping away. It scares the shit out of me and makes me scared I will turn into a vegetable or something. The breathing problems have been static for months; it feels like a weight is sitting on the back of my throat down to my ribcage and I feel like I'm gasping for air. I feel like this is what dying must feel like. It's horrible. It makes me anxious and then that turns into depression. My sleep has been an issue lately, too. I have trouble falling asleep sometimes because of the breathing plus my racing mind, but then I wake up an hour before I'm supposed to. It's been like this for months and I'm sure it's contributing to my fatigue. I've been trying to get a walk in every day, but everything feels difficult lately...like I'm in the worst shape of my life and it will only get worse. I am doing what I can, but nothing seems to change. I think that's what I have the hardest time with...that there isn't anything we can do. Just wait...seemingly forever. It's excruciating.

 

I just am feeling pretty hopeless right now, especially at night when the symptoms are at their worst, and am scared. I've been to the doctor enough and they say I'm fine, but then I think they missed a test or something. I overthink everything and I'm a neurotic mess. Everything either makes me lose it or cry. I have trouble connecting to people and, aside from sadness or anxiety about any and everything, I don't feel what I know I'm supposed to feel. I never used to be this bad before withdrawal. I had bad anxiety at times, but nothing this horrific. I just feel lost and I need some reassurance. I fall apart every night and my parents are unable to completely understand, though they've been very supportive. I feel bad because they are experiencing this with me, to a point. I was hoping Spring would be a time of big healing, as all this got worse in October and peaked in severity in late December. I just don't want to put hope in that to just be disappointed. I'm just lost right now and scared...and I need some hope. I just don't remember what normal feels like or even is...it's been so many years. I so badly want to believe that someday I'll have a decent life, but right now I'm having trouble believing that.

Sorry if this was in any way triggering.

[Guest [...]]

I try not to come on here and wallow too much, because it seems self-indulgent and not helpful...but lately has been tough and a lot of it is because I just am scared this isn't going to end. I always tell others that it will get better, but I'm having trouble believing it right now and I desperately need encouragement.

 

I think I've had a strange recovery so far, which is why I get worried sometimes. I had a bad taper, but things were at 85% (I was going out, driving, seeing friends, and functioning more or less normally) most of the time post-taper until 11 months later and I was in a hell worse than my taper. I'm in month 20 right now and I just feel like, whilst I am better than I was at month 11, I've not improved much at all since October; actually, I feel worse. The DP/DR has been utterly horrible since then...I feel like only 50% of me exists; like I have one foot on Earth and the other in the ether. I get confused and feel like I am losing control of my mind...like the "me" in my brain is slipping away. It scares the shit out of me and makes me scared I will turn into a vegetable or something. The breathing problems have been static for months; it feels like a weight is sitting on the back of my throat down to my ribcage and I feel like I'm gasping for air. I feel like this is what dying must feel like. It's horrible. It makes me anxious and then that turns into depression. My sleep has been an issue lately, too. I have trouble falling asleep sometimes because of the breathing plus my racing mind, but then I wake up an hour before I'm supposed to. It's been like this for months and I'm sure it's contributing to my fatigue. I've been trying to get a walk in every day, but everything feels difficult lately...like I'm in the worst shape of my life and it will only get worse. I am doing what I can, but nothing seems to change. I think that's what I have the hardest time with...that there isn't anything we can do. Just wait...seemingly forever. It's excruciating.

 

I just am feeling pretty hopeless right now, especially at night when the symptoms are at their worst, and am scared. I've been to the doctor enough and they say I'm fine, but then I think they missed a test or something. I overthink everything and I'm a neurotic mess. Everything either makes me lose it or cry. I have trouble connecting to people and, aside from sadness or anxiety about any and everything, I don't feel what I know I'm supposed to feel. I never used to be this bad before withdrawal. I had bad anxiety at times, but nothing this horrific. I just feel lost and I need some reassurance. I fall apart every night and my parents are unable to completely understand, though they've been very supportive. I feel bad because they are experiencing this with me, to a point. I was hoping Spring would be a time of big healing, as all this got worse in October and peaked in severity in late December. I just don't want to put hope in that to just be disappointed. I'm just lost right now and scared...and I need some hope. I just don't remember what normal feels like or even is...it's been so many years. I so badly want to believe that someday I'll have a decent life, but right now I'm having trouble believing that.

Sorry if this was in any way triggering.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Chi!I wanted to jump on here and hopefully give you a little encouragement.First off,you are doing so well to have made it to 20 months!That is HUGE!And yes,yes,yes what you are going through,the up and down of the symptoms is TOTALLY normal!The DP and DR will go away,but it honestly can take awhile.I am at almost 4 years off and I have had pretty much everything including bad,bad  DP and DR.That started to come and go for me,and except for a quick blip here and there, at about 3 1/2 years was pretty much gone .But don't go exactly by how long it took for it to leave me,it is different for everybody and could very well leave way earlier for you!Especially since you have had some times where you mentioned 85% better.

 

 

You had it right when you mentioned you noticed things were better than a year ago,but not alot,because we heal pretty slowly from this as it takes time for our bodies to get back to homeostasis.It seems to be a slow road to healing for most of us.But we do heal,and you will get through this,so don't lose heart!Everyday we are healing and getting better and better!I feel so much better than even 1 year ago,so it will happen,we just have to hang in there and not give up.

 

 

I know you get depressed by all this and don't know how you will get through another day.I get days like that too,I still have some lingering symptoms,that are taking forever to go,but I know they are going it is just very slow.Normal does and will come back!I now get waves of normal where the symptoms seem almost gone,then back they come,but the waves are getting shorter and less intense as time goes by.Yours will to!

 

Take care Chi,and always know you are in good company with all the BBs on here!God Bless!

[[Ch...]]

Thank you, 2200. I really appreciate the kind words. I was having a couple particularly bad days. The sun seems to help and being outside in 50° weather yesterday and the day before helped my spirit. I didn't notice the symptoms quite as much. I hope warm and sunny are the ticket. I know that snow and cold are not.

 

Anyway, thank you. I will re-read your comment if I have another rough patch because it helped me and made me feel better.

[[so...]]

Hi Chi,

 

I echo everything 2200 said.  What you are experiencing is completely “normal” in recovery.

 

The best thing I have found is to “accept” what’s going on temporarily while our receptors are repairing and distract from the symptoms by taking walks, playing games on my phone, talking to myself about all the things that have gotten better and disappeared.  I still have two things left, but if I got rid of 73 symptoms since the beginning, the last two buggers are bound to go too.

 

We all know the FEAR that consumes us—that we will never heal from this.  Drugs are a dangerous plague that has infected our modern world.  Millions of people have been hurt by them unwittingly.  The good news is that we can remove the drugs and we heal completely.  The bad news is that it takes a very long time to recover and we suffer mental and physical symptoms throughout the whole process.  More good news—like 2200 said, how you are feeling today is not how you will feel as more time passes.  It gets easier and everything keeps dampening down.  How you feel today is not how you will feel weeks or months from now.  The healing is so subtle that it stirs up the fear we are “stuck” like this forever.  We are not. 

 

Take heart, Chi, that you are progressing exactly as you should be.  Your body is healing you slowly and carefully, not suddenly and quickly.  You know why?  Things that heal instantly don’t stick.  When healing is gradual and meticulous, it lasts.  Your body is laying down each brick of your new foundation with precision so that the repair lasts a lifetime.  When you are completely recovered you will be WHOLE.  A brand new you with a solid foundation.  No more panic attacks, no anxiety.  This is what you needed to go through to heal the cracks of weakness and instability you were starting to experience pre-benzos.  You will come out of this recovery stronger than you have ever been.  Nothing, and I repeat NOTHING, will ever rattle your cage again.  After going through this, you will handle life’s ups and downs with ease, while those around you are falling apart.  Your nerves will never misfire again.  You will feel a calm that is now a part of who you are. 

 

God bless you, sweetheart.  Everything happens for a reason.  You are being reborn.  While you are recovering and repairing, take every damn scary negative thought and flip it the bird.  Tell yourself THIS SHIT is making me invincible.  BRING IT ON.

 

Sofa

[[Ch...]]

Thank you so much, Sofa. I know you're right and I'm usually very good at distracting...it's just been difficult lately. I think the sunshine and warmer weather was helping and then last night my Mom got in a bad car accident and I haven't experienced anxiety like that in a long time. My Mom is ok (broken leg and chest contusions...it could have been a lot worse. It was a bad enough accident to make the news), but it's hard to see her going through this. I'm trying to focus on gratitude, but I'm having issues stomping down anxiety and anger (the other asshat driver decided to run a red light). I'm handling things better than my setback last year, but I didn't have DP/DR last year and it's making this stuff harder to wrap my head around. I'm sure it will be ok I'm the end, I just wish there were a few less bumps in the road. Yesterday was traumatic.

 

Anyway, I really appreciate your comment and I will take it to heart. I hope your healing is progressing ok and maybe this will be the year you heal completely. Here's to kicking ass and taking names.

[[Ch...]]

I hate to be a broken record, but I'm just very frustrated and disappointed today. I've had new symptoms crop up lately. I've had all over muscle tightness that makes me feel more out of shape than normal. I walk every day and lately it's been a lot more difficult. My back is spasming again and the band under my chest is tighter. I'm used to this discomfort, but not the rest of my body tightening up. I stretch every day, but the effects don't last long. On top of that, I just feel miserable in the evening and strange during the day. I get anxiety spikes and weird sensations off and on all day and night and my vision gets really bright and weird as my DP/DR gets worse. I spend the evening just feeling sad and crying over everything: issues with my Dad (he's dealing with a lot of anxiety and won't do anything to treat it, plus he gets very insensitive on bad days and it doesn't take much to make me feel bad. I love him, but I'm sad for him and also frustrated), the feeling my life is a dead end, emotions dealing with my Mom's recent car accident, and often just feeling bad about still feeling bad. It takes almost nothing to make me feel awful. I break down almost every night. I just thought I'd be doing better by 20 months off and not adding new symptoms. All of this is completely insane and that's when the doubts pop up. I just feel like my body is completely broken. I'm so exhausted and having a bad week and really want some hope. I thought most people's lives were at least more manageable by this point. I've gotten to the point where I can't drive or do a lot of the same things I did for 11 months after my taper and I didn't expect to regress this far for the last 9 months. It's very depressing and I'm having trouble seeing the other side of this. Sorry for all the worry again...I just feel a bit hopeless today.

[[tr...]]

Chigrrl, I understand how you feel, it's the same for me. It has now been 26 months, and in the last year it has been status quo. What also feels difficult is that I can`t  manage my home the same way I did before. I can only do what is most necessary, everything else has to wait.

 

I try to tell myself that it takes time for the brain and nervous system to heal, but for the most part my thoughts are negative. But we'll take this trip together, we'll do it! For each day we are closer to the healing, although it feels very far away at the moment. According to statistics only 1/10 can handle this difficult journey without relapse. So when all this is over we've done something that's one of the hardest things I've ever had. We have each other, you are not alone Chigrrl! 

[[an...]]

Chi- I felt just like that in month 20. We grow so dreary trudging this road. Please hang in there. Every month that goes by everything goes down 1-5% or so. My vision is not bright like that now in month 26. The weird feelings are not as intense. The crying at night is maybe once a month.

 

Just remember a year ago and how you felt when you are feeling down. You are always going forward even if it feels backwards.

[[Ch...]]

Thanks, guys. I guess I sometimes have trouble coping because my second year has been a lot worse than my first. I had mild (moderate in a wave) symptoms until month eleven, but I was functional. I felt relatively ok up until then. It's like my withdrawal started over at month 11. I know it was a stress-related setback and I suppose that's normal. I know I read one other success story where she had had a setback that lasted a year. I am hoping that the current stress in my life doesn't exacerbate things further. Fortunately, it's calming down...I'm just waiting for my symptoms to calm down more, too. I just get scared sometimes. Lately I feel like I'm just really out of shape and I didn't feel this knackered a month ago. Everything requires so much effort and I just feel so exhausted. My leg muscles are particularly tired and stuff. All of this creates health anxiety and I worry I have Lyme or something, even though I had a false positive last year and I suppose Lyme wouldn't explain some of my symptoms and things aren't getting drastically worse. I was doing better last summer, so I hope the sun brings my sanity back. It just feels never-ending when we're in this. It really sucks. I hope I'm on the home stretch and I'm heading for recovery. My timeline just sometimes makes me nervous. Thanks for the support, though.

[[Ch...]]

I'm having a really hard time. Things have been getting worse. The DP/DR and brain fog are making it hard to function and connect with rational thoughts. My sleep has gotten bad and I'm waking up with extreme anxiety/dread/depression and I'm scared to death all the time. In top of that, I don't know if this is symptoms or a cold, but my sinuses started draining into my throat the other day and my ears are half shut and my nose is stuffed and my mouth and eyes are dry, and all of that is making it hard to breathe, on top of the air hunger. I'm having trouble eating much and that makes the breathing even more uncomfortable. I just get an overwhelming feeling that I'm dying and losing my mind and I'm really, really scared. I don't know how to do this this time. My brain wasn't as foggy last year and that felt impossible. I'm just so scared I'm going to turn into a vegetable or something and I just don't know how to cope. It gets so much worse as the sun goes down and it's almost 10:30PM now. I just don't know what to do. I've tried to tell myself positive stuff, but I have trouble believing in myself at this point...I feel tremendously guilty when people do stuff for me or say nice things to me; I have trouble believing them. I don't know who I am anymore or what's the point...I'm just so, so frightened. I just don't know how to live like this much longer. I'm not really suicidal, but I just don't know how to survive this. I'm always expecting things to get worse...like I'll stop breathing or lose my hearing or lose my mind completely. I just feel very desperate and didn't expect to have to go through this at 21 months. I'm scared this will keep happening every time I have some stress. I'm scared that I'm just suffering right now and not healing because this wave was brought on by stress and wasn't decided on by my brain. It's just unbearable and I guess this is a cry for help. I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry for bothering you guys again, I'm just really, really terrified.

[[Vi...]]

I'm having a really hard time. Things have been getting worse. The DP/DR and brain fog are making it hard to function and connect with rational thoughts. My sleep has gotten bad and I'm waking up with extreme anxiety/dread/depression and I'm scared to death all the time. In top of that, I don't know if this is symptoms or a cold, but my sinuses started draining into my throat the other day and my ears are half shut and my nose is stuffed and my mouth and eyes are dry, and all of that is making it hard to breathe, on top of the air hunger. I'm having trouble eating much and that makes the breathing even more uncomfortable. I just get an overwhelming feeling that I'm dying and losing my mind and I'm really, really scared. I don't know how to do this this time. My brain wasn't as foggy last year and that felt impossible. I'm just so scared I'm going to turn into a vegetable or something and I just don't know how to cope. It gets so much worse as the sun goes down and it's almost 10:30PM now. I just don't know what to do. I've tried to tell myself positive stuff, but I have trouble believing in myself at this point...I feel tremendously guilty when people do stuff for me or say nice things to me; I have trouble believing them. I don't know who I am anymore or what's the point...I'm just so, so frightened. I just don't know how to live like this much longer. I'm not really suicidal, but I just don't know how to survive this. I'm always expecting things to get worse...like I'll stop breathing or lose my hearing or lose my mind completely. I just feel very desperate and didn't expect to have to go through this at 21 months. I'm scared this will keep happening every time I have some stress. I'm scared that I'm just suffering right now and not healing because this wave was brought on by stress and wasn't decided on by my brain. It's just unbearable and I guess this is a cry for help. I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry for bothering you guys again, I'm just really, really terrified.

Hi Chi, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you are suffering and you not alone I feel your pain. :'(

I'm 23 months out benzo and 2 months out remeron and suffering greatly with burning thingling squeezing head/ scalp severe anxiety, shaking sweating feeling like dying any minute with heart attack. Afternoon and night are the worst. Sleeping 2-3 broken hrs and not functioning just like you.

I'm looking into CBD oil now or opiat to relief some pain.

I'm so sorry again.

Do you get any relief? Did you have a window?

Love and healing

Vica

[[Ch...]]

Thank you, Vica. I've just been in a bad wave for the last three weeks. It's like a repeat of the hell I suffered last year, but with more neurological issues and weird ear issues, especially. I think it was triggered by stress...again. I don't know. Mornings have started to suck, probably because my sleep took a bit again. Sometimes evening is horrible...though last night was a little less bad. I'm just hanging on. Baylissa called me this morning and I didn't expect that. It made me feel a little bit better, but generally it's just a struggle. Depression and cog fog are zapping my rational thinking and, as much as I know deep down that this will get better, it fills me with dread and doubt when I think about it. I don't know...I'm just feeling desperate.

[[Vi...]]

Thank you, Vica. I've just been in a bad wave for the last three weeks. It's like a repeat of the hell I suffered last year, but with more neurological issues and weird ear issues, especially. I think it was triggered by stress...again. I don't know. Mornings have started to suck, probably because my sleep took a bit again. Sometimes evening is horrible...though last night was a little less bad. I'm just hanging on. Baylissa called me this morning and I didn't expect that. It made me feel a little bit better, but generally it's just a struggle. Depression and cog fog are zapping my rational thinking and, as much as I know deep down that this will get better, it fills me with dread and doubt when I think about it. I don't know...I'm just feeling desperate.

I feel your pain. I'm in same shoes.

I  feel my body not able hang on to much longer.

So so sad

Love and healing to you

Vica

[[co...]]

I am so sick... 18 months out and just holding on. Barely have energy to do anything anymore... at least I had energy to fight this a year ago. Sad state of affairs for everyone out this far. Not sure how anyone suffers this long; a worse fate than death from my perspective - sorry if that ruffles anyones feathers.

[[Ch...]]

Hang in there, you guys. This has to get better eventually.

[[tr...]]

Has a small question regarding symptoms. When I wake up in the morning, it's very tight over my chest, throat and stomach. This makes me struggling to breathe. It also feels like mold in these places. Is that something you recognize, or can it be tension? In some way, this takes all the power from me.  (27 months). Thanks!

[[Su...]]

Hi Everyone,

I'm at about 24 months. i've been mad as heck with all the stuff I have been going through. I was on .05 of xanax for a year. Only med i've ever taken except for antibiotics. I'm 71 years old, so i hadn't had any real experience, to start with when I started Xanax for anxiety. Well, six months in, I started to have these weird nerve pain waves, i thought I had some disease that effete nerves. My husband, knowing I wasn't taking anything but xanax went online and everything I was experiencing was S/D of Xanax. I stopped cold turkey, and had horrible time the first few days. I have had almost every side effect, as I'm super sensitive to a variety of products. The waves have gotten somewhat better over time. Until I started to have some eye problems, that I didn't know AI had. It seems I'm borderline glaucoma. Dr put me on two eye drop meds. I can tolerate the first one but the second, seems way to much, and have tried two different ones so far. I'm about loosing my mind, trying to figure out how to manage both med and W/D symptoms that the med has brought back. 1. waves of nerve tingling in legs and head. Face and neck gets it too. Then a numb feeling on side of head and neck. Burning on skin on face, neck, legs. Stomach issues and so on. I'm thinking I'm going to loose it, until I come back here and here are other people having some of the same thing that I am, and at about the same point. I'm so happy to learn I'm not alone. I was thinking I had to go to a Dr. to see if I didn't have a brain tumor or something. I'm sorry that other's are going through this too, but, I have felt better knowing that the things I'm having, are benzo lies. I have developed somethings that have helped me along the way. I take Claritin for allergy symptoms. I take Gas X. for stomach stuff, If pain is pretty bad it's Advil and as you probably know, this stuff hits wherever you have an old injury or weakness. Exercise when you can. Positive thoughts when you can. Stress will really kick your butt, but know the next day should be better. I'm hopeing for the best for all of us. Sorry this is so long. Thanks for your input. S

[[pr...]]

Hi Everyone,

I'm at about 24 months. i've been mad as heck with all the stuff I have been going through. I was on .05 of xanax for a year. Only med i've ever taken except for antibiotics. I'm 71 years old, so i hadn't had any real experience, to start with when I started Xanax for anxiety. Well, six months in, I started to have these weird nerve pain waves, i thought I had some disease that effete nerves. My husband, knowing I wasn't taking anything but xanax went online and everything I was experiencing was S/D of Xanax. I stopped cold turkey, and had horrible time the first few days. I have had almost every side effect, as I'm super sensitive to a variety of products. The waves have gotten somewhat better over time. Until I started to have some eye problems, that I didn't know AI had. It seems I'm borderline glaucoma. Dr put me on two eye drop meds. I can tolerate the first one but the second, seems way to much, and have tried two different ones so far. I'm about loosing my mind, trying to figure out how to manage both med and W/D symptoms that the med has brought back. 1. waves of nerve tingling in legs and head. Face and neck gets it too. Then a numb feeling on side of head and neck. Burning on skin on face, neck, legs. Stomach issues and so on. I'm thinking I'm going to loose it, until I come back here and here are other people having some of the same thing that I am, and at about the same point. I'm so happy to learn I'm not alone. I was thinking I had to go to a Dr. to see if I didn't have a brain tumor or something. I'm sorry that other's are going through this too, but, I have felt better knowing that the things I'm having, are benzo lies. I have developed somethings that have helped me along the way. I take Claritin for allergy symptoms. I take Gas X. for stomach stuff, If pain is pretty bad it's Advil and as you probably know, this stuff hits wherever you have an old injury or weakness. Exercise when you can. Positive thoughts when you can. Stress will really kick your butt, but know the next day should be better. I'm hopeing for the best for all of us. Sorry this is so long. Thanks for your input. S

 

 

Hi Sunshinegirl,

 

sorry you are going through this horrible withdrawal too. it would be helpful. if you could put together a signature so we can help you and be more of support to you.

 

Pretty

[[an...]]

Sunshine girl- I’m 28 almost 29 months off and still have eye symptoms. They will heal. Drops or not. It’s just a withdrawal effect. I also have nerve pain all over my body. It’s totally normal for what our poor bodies have been through.

[[tr...]]

Ang1111: We ended exactly the same day! What's the worst for you?

[[St...]]

A scientist i follow on twitter just posted a link to this study: https://t.co/BeNlfApJlJ

 

"The ketogenic diet was shown to increase two species of gut bacteria protected against seizures by increased brain levels of the neurotransmitter GABA relative to brain levels of glutamate (in mice)."

 

Would that help us?

 

[[Lo...]]

I have heard Josyln (benzo brains channel) on you tube mention this a few times. I think it would help with how you are feeling day to day but dont think it would accelerate healing.

[[ne...]]

It`s good to see this thread being used again!

 

I`m hanging on by a thread here, anxiety had left but it`s giving me hell today!  Pain down a bit but why oh why does stuff come back?

 

[[St...]]

Tell me about it, i hadn’t had panic attacks since the first month I’m now 38 months and they’ve returned with a vengeance WTF?!? No trigger they can happen with me sat in my lounge with my feet up.

 

I think it’s just where my entire system has found the culmination of the 38 months just too much to handle.

 

Taking it real easy until they pass again

[[tr...]]

Now, it's almost 29 months, and life feels quite so hopeless. There is nothing happening in recovery, the days are the same. How is it going for you?