Need supportive words...

[[La...]]

After almost 6 weeks of continuous excellent sleep with no trouble getting to bed AND ZERO early wakeups, I had truly believed it was all over for me. That I was truly completely healed. That this thread was just a memory. Even with the ups and downs of this tortuous ride, adter ~6 weeks of continuous good sleep, I was really convinced I had fully moved on.

 

And then last week, out of the blue, I fell right back into the early wakeup pattern, popping up like a rocket a 4-5 am and unable to get back to sleep. This pattern has not let up for a bit more than 1 week. Needless to say it is frustrating.

 

Is it benzo healing or just non-benzo anxiety? I'll never know. But if it was just my (non-benzo) anxiety, why would i switch from pure perfect sleep to broken sleep on a dime, out of the blue? There was nothing in my life going on that could account fro a sudden swell of anxiety/insomnia?

 

Perhaps something I unknowingly ate (e.g. MSG)?

 

At this point, this far out, my best bet is just to roll with punches. I have no plan to seek help, or to do anything differently. As it came, so shall it leave....................until then, I wait and just live my life.

 

Sorry you guys are also going through this. It sux.

 

Try to enjoy your day though.

 

laser

[[Si...]]

Yep laser I go through the same pattern. It seems I have a few good weeks and then some bad ones. It drives me crazy! I get so agitated even thinking what this crap has done to me. No choice but to move forward and hope it all irons out. What's really weird is that I was perfectly normal from months 5-10. No sleep problems at all. I can just about handle the other symtpoms from this crap even though I don't like them, but sleep problems are the worst.

[[Mi...]]

Good weeks? I'm grateful for a few good hours. I swing from near panic to horrible depression. And still so far to go. Right now I'm so depressed. Bad nausea all day yesterday and today. Antidepressant plan is not working, or else it's making me nauseated. Am I'm tapering too slow to get over this in years. Just don't think I can take another day.

 

sorry for the pity party, but that's all I've got in me right now.

 

MirandaJane

[[Si...]]

Good weeks? I'm grateful for a few good hours. I swing from near panic to horrible depression. And still so far to go. Right now I'm so depressed. Bad nausea all day yesterday and today. Antidepressant plan is not working, or else it's making me nauseated. Am I'm tapering too slow to get over this in years. Just don't think I can take another day.

 

sorry for the pity party, but that's all I've got in me right now.

 

MirandaJane

 

Sorry you're having a tough time. It's not easy. You are getting lower on your taper though. I went from staying up two and three days at s time though. So I know how it feels. This stuff takes a long time to get over. Just keep moving forward the best you can.

[[Mi...]]

Siggy - thanks for your support. It means a lot. Truly. I'm too sick to write more.

 

MirandaJane

[[8d...]]

Laser, sorry to hear that the sleep streak broke. But you should really take a lot of comfort in knowing you did it, and you'll do it again... This time, likely longer.

 

For me, I'm not sure. I felt like there was a pattern where I would have a couple of decent weeks, and then a couple sort few days of rough sleep, then back. Over the last month, I just feel like the pattern is not a defined. Seems to go on longer stretches of bad, and more decent than good sleeps.

 

My wife says that I would normally complain about sleep 2-3 times a month, and I have only made mention of it once this month. Maybe it's been so long in the hellish journey, that I just don't see the progress. I feel like I'm just stuck with this, and it will be a constant cycle.

 

I'm really hoping (for me, and everyone here) that this is just a drawback from the drugs, and one day, it really will be behind. for good.

[[8d...]]

Had trouble falling asleep again. Tried deep breathing. Finally fell asleep. Woke up about 4-5 hours later.

 

Tried going back to bed. Nothing.

 

Could hear my heart beating loudly. Anyone else have this?

 

Usually this lasts a few days and then gets better. Does this sound anything like WD?

[[Si...]]

Had trouble falling asleep again. Tried deep breathing. Finally fell asleep. Woke up about 4-5 hours later.

 

Tried going back to bed. Nothing.

 

Could hear my heart beating loudly. Anyone else have this?

 

Usually this lasts a few days and then gets better. Does this sound anything like WD?

 

Yep, right on the money. I'm guessing it's still healing from w/d. I can feel the blood pounding through my neck and temples. Especially on bad nights.

[[8d...]]

My wife says I'm getting better, I feel like I'm getting worse.

 

Then I look at some posts I made just a week or two ago, and I'm here saying that I'm feeling good.

 

How the hell does this dark cloud come over me, and make me forget that just recently I felt a lot better than this.

 

It's really messing with my head. I feel empty today. Emotionally and physically. Feel like I have to force myself to be happy around my baby. Feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.

 

I hate this.

[[Si...]]

My wife says I'm getting better, I feel like I'm getting worse.

 

Then I look at some posts I made just a week or two ago, and I'm here saying that I'm feeling good.

 

How the hell does this dark cloud come over me, and make me forget that just recently I felt a lot better than this.

 

It's really messing with my head. I feel empty today. Emotionally and physically. Feel like I have to force myself to be happy around my baby. Feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.

 

I hate this.

 

Yep, feel exactly the same way. I was feeling really good for two weeks before I got this cold. Depression was pretty much totally gone. This week-end it was terrible. Totally depressed the whole time. Trust me man, it's just the healing process. This is all the windows and waves we hear so much about. Please don't beat yourself up about it. I have to remind myself the same thing. Enjoy the good times, grunt through the bad. One day this will all be in our past and we will be stronger for it. I know how terrible it is though. At least you aren't doing this alone. We have a long life ahead of us. Just keep up the hope. My wife can see the progress more than I can too. It wasn't too long ago that I was doing the one night on one night off. I think the next few months we should see some good improvements. I'm sure it won't be perfect, but we never can tell that one morning we'll wake up and it'll all be over for good.

[[al...]]

Damien,

 

I have been doing real good lately, but my sleep suddenly started going south a couple of nights ago. Last night it took over 4 hours to fall asleep. In addition, my anxiety and depression have returned making me feel like crap. I guess that this is exactly what supposed to happen with post-acute withdrawal syndrome. It is a ratio of good days vs. bad days that slowly improves in favor of the good days.

 

I printed out some monthly calendars and got in the habit of logging how well I slept each night. This allows me to look back and actually see an overall trend of improvement. It also shows me about how long bad periods tend to last. What I now consider to be a bad night used to be a good night once upon a time. This gives me some encouragement. Time, time and more time.

[[8d...]]

Siggy/Aloha, thanks for replying. And definitely good advice.

 

What are you guys now considering good and bad sleeps?

 

For me, a good sleep is 6.5 hours. Anything above that is a gift from the sleep gods.

 

6 hours will do, but I feel a bit flat.

 

5.5 and less being me down. The last couple of nights, getting 4-5, is really pounding me down.

 

When I wake up, it's abrupt. I'm just up, and I know I'm not supposed to be.

 

You guys?

[[Si...]]

Like you I can get by on 4 - 6. 6 - 7 is more ideal. Obviously 7 - 8 being great, but I never really averaged that much before benzos even. My typical weekday was mostly around 6-1/2. I'd sleep in a little on week-ends. The worst for me though are the 0-1 / 2 hour nights. They absolutely destroy me. It seems pretty "normal" though for this to all go up and down. We've seen it with Laser, Damien, Aloha and myself (plus others). I just have to keep up hope that what all the people ahead of us have said, and that's everybody heals. It just takes so damn long.

 

Sorry you're having a tough one Aloha. It's happened to me many times. It really does a number on your hope to feel like you've made some progress only to have it snatched back. It's the 2 steps forward 1 step back approach though. I do the same thing with a calendar too. I have a erase board calendar on our fridge. So I just mark the hours everyday on it. It gives me a good overview of how I'm doing. It seems I'm in the 4-6 hour range most of the month and usually a bad night once a week (meaning 0 - 2). This usually falls on a Tuesday or Wednesday night. No idea why. 

[[al...]]

My normal good sleep is between 5-7 hours. That really makes my day. 4-5 hours is doable, but less than 4 kind of messes up my day a bit. I used to be able to handle 2 hours on repetitive nights, but now that I got some sleep under my belt, that would probably kill me (have not had it that bad for a long time).

 

Once asleep, I usually am fine for the rest of the night. Last night it took me about 4 hours to finally nod off. That really drives me crazy especially when I have to get up early the next morning. My absolute best sleep since withdrawal started was about 7.5 hours that started within 30 minutes of going to bed with only one brief awakening during the night. That has only happened once, but I keep waiting for more of the same.

 

The tiredness doesn't bother me too much the next day when I have problems sleeping, but emotionally I become a wreck. That is what I really hate. Feeling like I have a mental illness is not fun.

[[La...]]

Siggy/Aloha, thanks for replying. And definitely good advice.

 

What are you guys now considering good and bad sleeps?

 

For me, a good sleep is 6.5 hours. Anything above that is a gift from the sleep gods. Exactly

 

6 hours will do, but I feel a bit flat. Exactly

 

5.5 and less being me down. The last couple of nights, getting 4-5, is really pounding me down.  Exactly

 

When I wake up, it's abrupt. I'm just up, and I know I'm not supposed to be. Exactly

 

You guys? Same.

[[8d...]]

Hoping tonight brings better sleep for all of us.

 

Another weird thing I've noticed... On my "good stretches" or "windows" as they may possibly be, I feel tired as the night approaches, and I worry a little less about sleep.

 

On nights where my sleep isn't good, I usually don't feel tired as I'm nearing bed time. I should be tired because I've had a couple rough nights pervious... But for some reason, my eyes aren't heavy, and I'm not yawning.

 

I've noticed this pattern. Does anyone else have anything like this? And does this at all sound like a part of WD, or just plain and simple insomnia?

[[Si...]]

Yes exactly the same for me. Some nights I start to get drowsy. It's then obvious I'll sleep at some point. Last night sucked really bad. I maybe got at best 1 or 2 hours of very light broken sleep. Tossing and turning woke my wife up too and then she couldn't go back to sleep. Feeling especially crappy about that. I just don't get why I can sleep for a few nights decently and then boom, can't get drowsy at all. I absolutely hate it. It drives me crazy.

[[8d...]]

Sorry to hear Siggy.

 

You'll get a better sleep tonight

 

I feel asleep the second I touched the pillow last night. The following 2 nights must have done me in.

 

However, despite how insanely exhausted I was, I was up 6 hours later with a huge spike of cortisol.

 

Getting on with my day, and feeling decent. But I just want one more hour of sleep

[[Si...]]

Sorry to hear Siggy.

 

You'll get a better sleep tonight

 

I feel asleep the second I touched the pillow last night. The following 2 nights must have done me in.

 

However, despite how insanely exhausted I was, I was up 6 hours later with a huge spike of cortisol.

 

Getting on with my day, and feeling decent. But I just want one more hour of sleep

 

Glad you got some sleep. Have one of my good friends coming into town tonight to stay with us for a week. He's moving back to Atlanta. Sucks that I have to be in this condition when I hang out with him. Hope we both have a good night tonight.

[[8d...]]

5-5.5 hours last night... I'm tired.

 

I fell asleep within 5 minutes, and then woke up to a notification on my phone.

 

Seems I'm in VERY light sleep in the morning.

 

Does this come with WD where you light sleep is so light that any sound at all wakes you?

 

Needless to say, I could not get back to sleep

[[La...]]

5-5.5 hours last night... I'm tired.

 

I fell asleep within 5 minutes, and then woke up to a notification on my phone.

 

Seems I'm in VERY light sleep in the morning.

 

Does this come with WD where you light sleep is so light that any sound at all wakes you?

 

Needless to say, I could not get back to sleep

 

6.0hr for me last night. woke up this morning at 5:50am; way too early. Yes, the lightest sound will wake me, but even with no sound, i will still wake. That deep sleep where a bomb going off wouldnt wake me is gone, someday hopefully to return. Without exception, my phone is set to silent every single night. Dont need a silly machine waking me up, I've got enough troubles.

 

Back in my taper, the thought of getting 6 hours sleep was a dream come true. Its all perspective.

 

laser

[[8d...]]

I have an app that puts it into silent mode, but for whatever reason, it did not work last night.

 

Over the last few weeks, I've been having to stay up an hour more to get tired enough for sleep.

 

And even though most nights I nod off quickly, I always wake up early.

 

I haven't slept an 8 hour sleep in almost a year, and the months on drugs were even worse.

 

Want my life back!

[[Si...]]

Yep some morning I have very light sleep and some mornings in so dead asleep I don't hear my wife hit her snooze alarm 10 times in a row at 5:30am. Doesn't make any sense to me. Some days just one shirt alarm burst will have me awake. Slept about 6-7 hours last night.

[[Si...]]

Yeah I have my iPhone set to only go off if the person is in a favorites list between 11:30pm to 7:30am. I was getting sounds from junk emails and wrong number late night booty texts. Ugh!

[[La...]]

Yeah I have my iPhone set to only go off if the person is in a favorites list between 11:30pm to 7:30am. I was getting sounds from junk emails and wrong number late night booty texts. Ugh!

 

you so sure they were "wrong number?"

 

lol