Need supportive words...

[[8d...]]

Not sure if the crying helped or not. At the time, it just needed to come out.

 

I know that I went through a lot of waves of insomnia in the last year, but I'm certain they were worse than the current. But the more time that goes by, the more I lose vividness of those experiences, and the more the current ones scare me into thinking this will never end.

 

I'm beyond tired right now... It's not even the sort of tired where I think I need to sleep. It's the kind of exhaustion where I don't feel I can't be myself. I feel like I'm just going through the actions, but I'm not really present.

 

I'm hoping that the sleep improves. For all of us

[[Si...]]

Not sure if the crying helped or not. At the time, it just needed to come out.

 

I know that I went through a lot of waves of insomnia in the last year, but I'm certain they were worse than the current. But the more time that goes by, the more I lose vividness of those experiences, and the more the current ones scare me into thinking this will never end.

 

I'm beyond tired right now... It's not even the sort of tired where I think I need to sleep. It's the kind of exhaustion where I don't feel I can't be myself. I feel like I'm just going through the actions, but I'm not really present.

 

I'm hoping that the sleep improves. For all of us

 

Hang in there my friend. I know this is one of the toughest things most of us have ever had to deal wih. I never was much of a cryer, but this has made me break down many times. And there isn't anything wrong with that. It does relieve some tension. I know that extreme exhaustion too. I've had one occasion in the last 4 months after I didn't sleep for two nights and went to work both days. I don't even know how I physically pulled that off. We're slowly getting better. I have some of the same fears as you of course. Good luck tonight my friends.

[[8d...]]

Last night was one of the worst I've ever had. I was as tired as I've ever been, and was nodding off in a rocking chair watching my son sleep.

 

When I went to my bed, I got in, got cozy, and immediately started to worry I would not sleep. Sure enough, I couldn't. My heart was pacing, body tense, and feeling warm and tingly.

 

Picked up a book and started reading, but did not get tired. Eventually, I went and took a Benadryl. Then an hour later, I'm still up. Saw the sun starting to poke through the blinds, and then I finally added off. Was up about 3 hours later.

 

I was so depressed this morning that I could not even talk. Could not reply to my wife when she spoke. I started thinking I wanted to end this life of suffering. Looking at my perfect baby boy, I just got so sad that I have to struggle like this instead of just laughing and playing with him.

 

My wife keeps telling me that it will change. The good days will come back as they always do. But I feel like this is it. I'm so scared

[[Si...]]

Yep ive found that the worrying about not sleeping will make it harder to fall asleep. It's tough not to think about, but we have to try our best not to. I'm so,sorry you are having such a rough time. One good thing is you will probably pass out hard tonight. I always wish there was something that I can take to make me sleep, but we all know that the only things that really work for that are pure evil. I even had to give up on any of the other stuff to make me drowsy as usually that just make me feel like crisp and I dint sleep.

[[al...]]

Next time you have thoughts of wanting to end your life you should look again at your baby boy. Things may be very bad now, but they won't be forever. You have a lot of happy times with your son waiting for you and he needs to have his happy times with his daddy. Time will continue to march forward bringing change. You just have to figure out ways to survive in the meantime.

 

It sounds to me like you have extreme anxiety reactions brought on by the fear of not falling asleep. They pretty much prevent any sleep from happening. It is very possible that this behavioral component is related to, but separate from the physical withdrawal symptoms that you are experiencing. I am talking from personal experience.

 

You could perhaps benefit from seeing a therapist to help calm your anxiety issues associated with sleep and perhaps other causes. Learning to accept the situation rather than fight it could be helpful. I have learned to go to bed expecting NOT to fall asleep for a long time. After all...that it what happened every night for months. Sometimes it feels good to just rest. In time, I get relaxed and tired enough for something to happen. When I do get upset about not sleeping, it really sets me back for a long time and the night becomes ruined.

 

We all have our physical/chemical reasons why sleep is so hard for us now, but that is not to say that many of us also are not fighting against ourselves with negative thoughts and behaviors. Although difficult, these can be changed a lot easier than the physical causes of insomnia.

 

I personally look forward to the day when I can look back and say to myself "those were some very bad times and I am glad that they are over". That day would have never happened if I gave into some of the dark thoughts about ending it all that I had (even fairly recently). I am also trying to teach myself not to dwell on that future day too much or reflect on the better days of the past since doing so only makes the present seem worse. Instead, I try to find some degree of pleasure in the here and now (although this is not always easy).

 

It sounds like you are in an uncontrolled dive heading for the ground. It is time to start pulling up. You can do it!  Remember, your wife and son are riding along with you.

[[Be...]]

8damien, maybe you could start taking some magnesium to help you sleep?  I take Dr.'s Best elemental Magnesium and use a pill splitter and cut it down to little chunks, so I don't take too much.  Just take a bit at bedtime.  Or find another brand that works for you. 

[[8d...]]

Aloha, those were very kind and wise words. I really appreciate you taking the time to write that.

 

I posted about a week ago saying that my sleep duration was increasing, and that I was feeling a lot better. And then this happened. I feel like I'm in a loop where I go to bed every night expecting the rush of cortisol to keep me up.

 

I have to find a way to relax my mind, and let myself fall asleep.

 

I've also become very sensitive to sound, so now I have to sleep with ear plugs. Problem with that is, when I get anxious about not sleeping,  can hear my heart race and my ears flutter. The ear fluttering makes it impossible to sleep.

 

I just gave my son a bath with my wife, and they both make me so happy. I have to focus on these things, and find the strength in myself to get through this.

 

Thank you again

[[8d...]]

8damien, maybe you could start taking some magnesium to help you sleep?  I take Dr.'s Best elemental Magnesium and use a pill splitter and cut it down to little chunks, so I don't take too much.  Just take a bit at bedtime.  Or find another brand that works for you.

 

I was taking it before, but decided I wanted to get off all meds and supplements. Maybe I'll give it another shot.

[[Si...]]

That's the way! Focus on your wife and baby and anything else positive you can. I don't think taking some supplements is bad. I eat a lot of nuts everyday. Roasted almonds as part of my breakfast and walnuts with fruit in yoghurt. If you really want to avoid supplements, there are natural ways, such as food, to get vitamins and minerals into your body. Of course it takes a larger amount of those foods, but you can build up over time. Nuts are high in magnesium. Not a miracle cure, but it is healthy. Hoping you are now or are close to sleeping now. We're here for you if you need us.

[[Be...]]

Just a small bit of magnesium isn't bad, it's good for your heart and brain.  Many ppl. on this forum take it.  Magnesium citrate is a liquid laxative they sell at a pharmacy.  Maybe buy a bottle of that and take a small sip of it chilled at bedtime and see if that helps?  It could help your bowels too if you've got any problems with bm's?  Milk helps too.  I also do Pennydellpress variety puzzles in a magazine in bed at night.  Dr. Ashton mentioned doing puzzles and I do that.  I got a subscription and do them in bed at night with a pencil and listen to talk radio.  Just some suggestions. 

[[al...]]

Damien,

 

I just sent away for a pair of sleep headphones that will allow me to listen to downloaded music, sleep mediations, etc. while sleeping on my side. If you have not already seen these headphones, they look like a head warmer or sweatband that wraps around your head with thin speakers in them. You can also pull the band down over your eyes to block out light. Perhaps a very quite and soft music track will help you relax and drown out those sounds that bother you.

[[Be...]]

I bought a pack of Hearos soft ear plugs.  About 40 per pack.  I use them to sleep at night. 

[[8d...]]

I went and played ice hockey yesterday despite feeling awful. Came home and spent some time with my wife. Turned in around 1am (usually it's 1:30-2:30).

 

Ended up sleeping for 7.5 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Wow does that feel better. I hope this continues.

[[Si...]]

I went and played ice hockey yesterday despite feeling awful. Came home and spent some time with my wife. Turned in around 1am (usually it's 1:30-2:30).

 

Ended up sleeping for 7.5 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Wow does that feel better. I hope this continues.

 

That's the way! I've just started doing whatever the hell I'd normally want to do during the day even if I haven't slept and feel like crap. I'm glad you got some good sleep. I knew it would catch up to you at some point. I got about 3-4 hours last night. To tell the truth, I feel fine when I can get at least that much. Maybe slightly tired, but it doesn't slow me down. It's the nights where I get 0 sleep that destroy me. Luckily I've only had about 4 of those this month (knock on wood and any other lucky thing I can do to avoid more!). I'm sure your wife has some relief too that you'v gotten a recharge.

 

[[al...]]

I'm very glad that you got a good night sleep. 7.5 hours must have been great! I ended up having a bad night with only about 2.5 hours of broken sleep for almost 8 hours spent in bed. It was kind of hard to stay calm, but I kept trying to practice some of the advice about acceptance that I gave to you earlier.

 

It really depresses me that my sleep problems end up robbing my dear wife of her sleep. I am on my last week of medical leave from work, but she had to get up and face a busy work day. Passing my problem on to her is my biggest source of sadness right now.

 

I have been very lucky these past 2 months in that I was able to take off of work with full pay. It must be pretty tough for all who have to pull themselves out of bed and put in a full day with this insomnia business. Thinking about this is probably why I had a bad time last night. I go back to work next week and I am not too much better off than when I started my leave of absence. It is hard not to think that my family's financial well-being depends upon my being able to perform while dealing with this insomnia.

[[Si...]]

You'll find a way aloha. The toughest part is the mornings. My biggest advice is prepare everything for the next day in advance. I wish you the best.

[[8d...]]

Aloha, just remember that we're here for you. We're pretty much all in this together.

 

Last night, I had my usual early waking, but I was able to drift into REM sleep for a while. Felt pretty good this morning.

 

Not sure how I go from feeling like death is at my doorstep, to this... It really feels like a have a dual personality.

 

My guess is that it is either the doings of withdrawal, or after suffering with such horrendous sleep while on meds, I formed some sort of PTSD about the whole thing and now sleep is just an problem in my mind.

 

Either way, I have to stay strong here, and find ways to make this better and more manageable.

[[La...]]

Just hold on to faith that it will all pass. Try to go easy on yourself. When it comes it will come.

 

9.5 hrs of sleep last night for me (ok, thats overdoing it a bit on sleep duration, but after 2 years of insomnia, its payback time). Still woke up at 6 am for a brief second, but knocked right out for another 2hr solid sleep. In my 16th month I would have never gotten such good sleep.

[[8d...]]

That's awesome Laser!

 

While you were going through the insomnia, did you have fears and anxiety about sleep?

 

Did you worry as you were heading to bedtime? Did you get frustrated when you woke too early?

[[al...]]

Damien,

 

I know what you mean by having a dual personality. I discovered that my mood directly corresponds to the amount of sleep I got the night before. If my sleep is bad I feel like total crap the next day. I am very depressed, anxious and feel disassociated from myself. I have the energy needed to get through the day, but my mood takes a huge hit. At least now I understand this and know that things will probably feel much better the next day.

[[8d...]]

How's everyone doing?

 

Been more than a couple of weeks now of what I'd call "adequate" sleep.

 

Usually getting 6-6.5 hours, with the occasional 7.

 

Still feel really tired and wish I could sleep 7 more often.

 

But it seems I'm more consistently getting 6+...

 

Before it was closer to 5-5.5...

 

Is this how the healing process works? Months and months just to get another half hour or so?

[[Si...]]

I'm only slightly better. I've been averaging about 4-6 hours most nights. Missed 5 nights last month with 0 sleep. I only slept 1-2 hours last night though. I was in a window for about 3 weeks where I felt pretty good, even though the sleeping was still an issue. Now I've hit a bad wave and have like utter crap for a week. I'm really ready for this to end.

[[al...]]

I have been getting about 4 1/2 to 5 1/2 hours a night and am happy about it. For some reason it is enough even though I used to need more sleep. I just wish that it did not take so long to fall asleep each night. Last night it only took about 1 hour, but it usually takes at least 2 hours. Getting better. I don't get those freaky anxiety attacks any more and going back to work is working out well.

[[8d...]]

I'm going out of town for 3 nights, and I'm a bit worried about how I'm going to do with sleep... Really sucks that I have to worry about this.

 

I wonder if this is how sleep is going to be from now on, or if something will change?

[[Si...]]

I'm going out of town for 3 nights, and I'm a bit worried about how I'm going to do with sleep... Really sucks that I have to worry about this.

 

I wonder if this is how sleep is going to be from now on, or if something will change?

 

You may actually do better. Sometimes a new environment can be relaxing. Just try not to get too worked up about it (I know it's hard as I have problems with that now too). We went to my mom's house for 10 days and I though I would have a lot of problems. Luckily I slept all but one night while there. Good luck!