Need supportive words...

[[8d...]]

I remember when sleep used to be a respite from the worries of the day. No more. Will it ever be again?

 

Exactly how I feel.

 

I need to work on accepting things, so I can hopefully get back to being excited about bed.

[[8d...]]

Damien, i cant recall if you are adamant about not taking ANYTHING to help sleep

 

Laser, I prefer not to take anything, but I do sometimes reach for the Benadryl. Thing is, it often doesn't do all that much in respect to sleep duration. It will sort of help me get off to bed, but I think my anxiety about needing to take it and not being able to sleep, just wakes me back up.

 

Last night I go about 7 hours... Feeling really good today

[[Mi...]]

Damien - glad you got some sleep. Benadryl keeps me awake!  I cut my dose last night and took melatonin. Was unconscious for six hours but didn't feel at all like I was asleep or rested. Today has been brutal.

 

I need to work on acceptance too. But today it just won't come.

 

Hope you get good sleep again tonight.

 

MirandaJane

[[al...]]

Acceptance really is very important in times of suffering and stress. The problem itself is sure to cause enough misery on its own, but letting your mind convince itself that things will become worse only adds to your pain.

 

I learned this the hard way by always worrying that I would not be able to function without sleep or that some horrible medical problem would surface. My worrying only helped ensure that I would not sleep. Totally self-defeating.

 

Acceptance does not make your primary problem go away, but it can keep from adding more problems and can help speed up your recovery.

[[Mi...]]

Aloha - You are absolutely right about acceptance. But I have to be afraid of acceptance turning in to compacency. I've realized my cog fog is so bad that I have to prepare. Today I've made up checklists - what to eat and take meds and when, what supplies and foods to have on hand, daily routines, etc. My husband will help me go over these lists daily and weekly so I don't forget basic things. I'm also looking into having a caregiver come in a few times a day if I need help eating (I have a bad stomach disorder and have to eat six times a day).

 

When I'm in deep depression or high anxiety, it is so hard to accept. I wish I had your willpower. I will keep trying. Thanks for the wisdom.

 

MirandaJane

 

[[al...]]

Jane, we can only strive for acceptance knowing that we will not always be successful.

[[8d...]]

Sleep disrupted again... Last night, I was nodding off on the couch, but when I got in the bed, I felt like I just drank a coffee.

 

Finally fell asleep, just to pop up a few hours later, exhausted and feeling out of it.

 

The previous night was similar, but it did not take as long to go to bed.

 

I hate this insomnia... Hate how it takes me away from feeling joy that I normally would.

 

In the past month though, I have slept reasonably well. I really hope I can get back to better sleep soon

 

How's everyone else doing?

[[La...]]

Making a major breakthrough on the early wakings. Still wakeup at 4-5am most days, but can immediately fall back asleep. Getting 6-8hrs per night, high quality sleep. No meds or supplements  whatsover for several weeks now. I am clearly improving. I really think these early wakeups , which were powerful in the past, but very weAK now, are a vestige of benzo wd and not my own psychological machinations. Just got 8 hrs last night. I'm 2 years deep into this debacle, so its about fucking time. 

[[Si...]]

That's great laser! I'm stilling having a lot of ups and downs. Slept reasonably well while on vacation at my mom's last week. Had about an 11 day stretch. I did miss one night though with zero sleep. Also missed last Sunday after driving back all day. I've gotten to the point where I don't know if this is w/d or if it's something else. I would trade the 4-5 hour nights every night for the 6-8 hour every other night. My problem is falling asleep. Once there, if I wake up, it's not really a big deal (typically) to fall back asleep. Now I'm afraid and anxious about going to bed on nights after I've slept. It's f'n horrible. I NEVER had this before taking this gd garbage. If I could only go back in time and keep myself from ever taking a benzo.

[[al...]]

The last two nights I've stared at the ceiling for 4-5 hours, and then fall asleep, only to be in and out of that sleep for 3-4 hours, and just can't sleep anymore.

 

Then I am exhausted and have a headache, but can't relax enough to sleep in the day.

 

Night comes, and the anxiety about the sleep hits hard.

 

I don't know how much of this torture I can take

 

I went through exactly what you are now going through for a couple of months. I would go to bed at around 10:30 pm and not experience my first sleep to sometime after 2 am. Any sleep that did come would then be off an on and never for very long. I always felt like crap and learned to dread bedtime.

 

Since then I was put on a sleep restriction program that basically bypassed those first four hours or so. I was required to stay awake until late and then wake up early each night. This helped compress my sleep into a shorter time frame (due to being so tired before going to bed) and took away the hours of tossing and turning and frustration. I ended up getting a more sleep each night than before and it seemed to be more restorative. I also learned that I could function fairly well on much less sleep than I though would be the minimum that I needed.

 

This routine also helped take away my sleep anxiety because I was always so tired that I could not wait to go to bed.

 

Time also helps heal this mess. I know how hard it is for you first hand. Just know that things will improve and even a little improvement will make you feel much better.

[[La...]]

That's great laser! I'm stilling having a lot of ups and downs. Slept reasonably well while on vacation at my mom's last week. Had about an 11 day stretch. I did miss one night though with zero sleep. Also missed last Sunday after driving back all day. I've gotten to the point where I don't know if this is w/d or if it's something else. I would trade the 4-5 hour nights every night for the 6-8 hour every other night. My problem is falling asleep. Once there, if I wake up, it's not really a big deal (typically) to fall back asleep. Now I'm afraid and anxious about going to bed on nights after I've slept. It's f'n horrible. I NEVER had this before taking this gd garbage. If I could only go back in time and keep myself from ever taking a benzo.

 

Siggy:You need to get that fear under control. It is within your power to do so. Get beyond the fear and it will liberate you. I know exactly how hard it is to break that cycle. But chip away at it in little bits. I never awoke one day and the fear of not falling asleep was gone. It progressively got smaller and smaller, inversely proportional to my increasing confidence in being able to fall asleep. I was so bad in the beginning, that the mere sight of a sunset (e.g. nightime approaching) sent me into severe panic.

 

Your recent history sounds like my history 6 months ago, lots of ups and downs, good stretches then bad stretches. Now, its mostly good stretches for me, but I practice insanely rigorous sleep hygeine. Hoping one day to give all that up too and go back to the old days. But in the meantime, I'll stick with it, because the sleep has been very good and I dont want to rock the boat.

 

Believe you can do it. You must.

 

laser

[[8d...]]

Laser, that is awesome!

 

What a f@cking ride this has been!

 

I had a nurse come over to our house today to give us a check up for an insurance application. When she asked me about my history, and I told her about the issues with the benzos, she looked at me like I was making it up. Like it was me, not the pills that created the problem.

 

She did ask one question, and I started to laugh... She asked "Have you ever had issues with addictive drugs" and then she paused... "not prescribed by a doctor".

 

I just burst out laughing and said, "I like how you slipped that last part in".

 

I'm just so disgusted with doctors, psychiatry, and pharmaceutical companies.

[[Si...]]

Thanks laser and I agree Damien, I'm know I have to chip away at the sleeping anxiety now. It's just easier said than done. I would consider myself mostly healed if not for the insomnia. Was getting amped u around 2pm at work today. Head was hurting when I got home and took an ibuprofen. Hasn't really touched the headache at all. Hoping tonight is better Damien.

 

Laser, would you say you're mostly healed now at 2 years off?

[[al...]]

Hi Siggy,

 

I just want to share a simple little attitude adjustment that seems to be working for me. Previously I went to bed every night hoping that tonight will be the night that my sleep returns. Every night I got disappointed when it didn't and then the frustration set in. I finally got smart and started going to bed with no expectations other than tonight will be the same as all of the recent nights. This gave me the chance to mentally prepare for what I knew was coming and to accept it. The last 3 nights with this new attitude adjustment have given my the best sleeps that I had in a long time.

[[Be...]]

Some ppl. use aspirin for sleep.  It helps me.  This might sound corny, but in the old days, people counted sheep to fall asleep.  I do it and it helps.  I say in mind:  1 sheep, 2 sheep, 3 sheep, 4 sheep . . .  and just keep going.  It makes your mind slow down and not be too stimulated.  It's a sort of sleep meditation, I guess. 

[[La...]]

Thanks laser and I agree Damien, I'm know I have to chip away at the sleeping anxiety now. It's just easier said than done. I would consider myself mostly healed if not for the insomnia. Was getting amped u around 2pm at work today. Head was hurting when I got home and took an ibuprofen. Hasn't really touched the headache at all. Hoping tonight is better Damien.

 

Laser, would you say you're mostly healed now at 2 years off?

 

at 19 months, yes, most definitely. With alcohol sensitivity and sleep maintenance insomnia (early wakings) being the last and only significant sxs to go. The last bit of insomnia seems to have lifted within the past few weeks.

[[Si...]]

Thanks laser and I agree Damien, I'm know I have to chip away at the sleeping anxiety now. It's just easier said than done. I would consider myself mostly healed if not for the insomnia. Was getting amped u around 2pm at work today. Head was hurting when I got home and took an ibuprofen. Hasn't really touched the headache at all. Hoping tonight is better Damien.

 

Laser, would you say you're mostly healed now at 2 years off?

 

at 19 months, yes, most definitely. With alcohol sensitivity and sleep maintenance insomnia (early wakings) being the last and only significant sxs to go. The last bit of insomnia seems to have lifted within the past few weeks.

 

Glad to hear you are doing better. I'm 5 months behind you. Hopefully mine will subside soon. I was drinking and sleeping fine from months 5-10. It's the stupid flu that totally screwed me up again. Here I am 4 months later still dealing with the aftermath.

[[jo...]]

Been doing that for 18 months now. average 3 to possibly 5 hours a per night of broken unrestfull sleep and yes it sucks. I would hope that it goes away in time however Im approaching 5 months off K and it is still a problem. Always so damn tired legs feel heavy with cog fog and dementia symptoms.  Also go for walks . Good Luck

[[8d...]]

I'm at about 14 months...

 

It seems my 5 hour sleep is now getting closer to 6 hours, and then I can sometimes get another 30-60 minutes of light sleep.

 

Has anyone had healing like this???

[[Si...]]

My first go around with insomniac when I was coming out of acute was pretty linear and happened pretty fast. I went from sleeping every other day to sleeping every day with only a sleepless night every couple of months. I'd have a few nights here and there where I wouldn't get a full night, but it was manageable. This time around has been terrible. Very up and down all over the place. I had a three week stretch back in April that I felt totally normal. That went away and I've had a terrible time since. I'm pretty depressed by it all. I'm glad yours is getting better though. I wish I slept every night even if it were on 5 hours. It would give me hope of improvement. I HATE the 0 hour nights. I no longer know if this is withdrawal or something else.

[[8d...]]

Siggy, I think that is the nature of this beast.

 

I had some issues with sleep prior to this, but nothing like where I am at now.

 

I think these drugs make us believe that there is something wrong with us. We have to be patient with ourselves, and let the healing happen.

 

I truly believe that a lot of people with so called "mental issues" are int he position they are in due to medications that are taking. Since no doctor ever really acknowledges withdrawal, I think a lot of people get diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and BP, because they are having a bad reaction to some pysch drug.

 

Whether the sleep is me or the withdrawal, I'll find a way to deal with it.

 

I'll never in my life take another pill.

[[Si...]]

What I really hate is I didn't have sleeping problems before this. I could drink two sweet teas with dinner and still sleep with no problem. I'd have occasional boughts of sleeplessness, but that was caused by binge drinking for a few days and then stopping. That would only ever last one night and then I'd be back to normal after. Oh yeah, I never was depressed before this garbage ruined my sleep either.

[[La...]]

I'm at about 14 months...

 

It seems my 5 hour sleep is now getting closer to 6 hours, and then I can sometimes get another 30-60 minutes of light sleep.

 

Has anyone had healing like this???

 

Yes damien, that is exactly how it progressed with me. Even just last night. But my sleep duration is slowly moving from 6 to 7 hr in a back and forth nonlinear way. A few nights ago, i almost reached for an antihistamine/benadryl pill, but fortunately stopped myself in time. Yes, to heal this WITHOUT ANY pills.

 

Laser

[[8d...]]

I can fully see how someone going through this, without the knowledge of this being withdrawal or the support of a community like this, would assume they had mental issues.

 

This process does everything to convince you that you are nuts... That you need some professional or medicated help to get through the rest of your days.

 

I've gone through rating all the doctors that I saw through my journey, using very harsh words. Hopefully someone sees my reviews before consulting them. My wife and I actually just started seeing a new GP (I only go because of the baby, and I get her to just write me up for yearly blood work)... She was asking me about my overall health, and when I told her that I went through withdrawal from a benzo, she looked at me like I was talking craziness. Like she was being polite enough to let me finish, but we needed to move on.

 

It got me thinking about a friend of mine... She had dealt with some anxiety, and her doctors put her on a big dose of benzos. I just remember her anxiety getting worse. She kept taking the drugs, but nothing ever got better. It got to a point where she said that she was feeling the anxiety every waking moment... I wonder if that was interdose.

 

Who knows... I just know that I'm 14 months in, and it still hurts. I want it to be over with. But I have to take it day by day. I am thankful that I'm here, and not where I was 14 months prior.

 

Stay strong

[[Si...]]

Yeah it just shocks me the amount of doctors that are complete idiots whenit comes to benzos. I know my body as well as the next person and I 100% know that I feel terrible still 14 months later because of that poison.