Need supportive words...

[[8d...]]

The last two nights I've stared at the ceiling for 4-5 hours, and then fall asleep, only to be in and out of that sleep for 3-4 hours, and just can't sleep anymore.

 

Then I am exhausted and have a headache, but can't relax enough to sleep in the day.

 

Night comes, and the anxiety about the sleep hits hard.

 

I don't know how much of this torture I can take

[[La...]]

The last two nights I've stared at the ceiling for 4-5 hours, and then fall asleep, only to be in and out of that sleep for 3-4 hours, and just can't sleep anymore.

 

Then I am exhausted and have a headache, but can't relax enough to sleep in the day.

 

Night comes, and the anxiety about the sleep hits hard.

 

I don't know how much of this torture I can take

 

Sorry to hear it. One possibility is that you were doing all the right things and got hit by a wave, where there is nothing to do but accept it until it passes.

 

Other possibility is that you are in control of this shift backwards. I can tell you for sure that "stared at the ceiling for 4-5 hours" is directly influencing/related to "Night comes, and the anxiety about the sleep hits hard"

 

You can break that loop. For one, do not sit in bed and stare at the ceiling for 4-5 hours. Get out of bed (after <40 min) and do something you enjoy. Sounds crazy I know, but pairing non-sleep with fun decouples sleep/anxiety. OK, doesnt have to be fun, but at least enjoyable. And learn hot to not give a fuck, if you get no sleep. Sounds hard, maybe crazy, but that too decouples the non-sleep/anxiety. You probably know all this.

 

Or maybe its just a wave that will pass.

 

I've been doing well the past 5 nights. At least 5h each night, last night slept 7.5 high quality. Just need to be patient, and do the right things to keep anxiety away.

 

I practice progressive muscle relaxation at least half a dozen times per day. Its real easy and reveals exactly how anxious I am. It temporarily deflates the anxiety. Few hours later, do it again. Repeat. Kind of like a pressure valve where self-awareness of anxiousness and muscle tone is all thats required.

laser

[[me...]]

 

 

You can break that loop. For one, do not sit in bed and stare at the ceiling for 4-5 hours. Get out of bed (after <40 min) and do something you enjoy. Sounds crazy I know, but pairing non-sleep with fun decouples sleep/anxiety. OK, doesnt have to be fun, but at least enjoyable. And learn hot to not give a fuck, if you get no sleep. Sounds hard, maybe crazy, but that too decouples the non-sleep/anxiety. You probably know all this.

 

Or maybe its just a wave that will pass.

 

Totally agree with Laserjet, the worse thing you can do is worry about it. I was actually quite surprised sometimes to see how well I could function on 2-3 hours of sleep, once I just decided to deal with it. Get out and get some fresh air, and you will survive. Figure out something relaxing to do with none-sleep time.

[[be...]]

I get up at night and do laundry. Not fun at all, but it's is better than staring at the ceiling only to become anxious. If you keep doing the rinse and repeat thing, you will learn by root that nighttime means a bad time. Then, you automatically become anxious about not sleeping. I also find reading a boring book helps.

[[8d...]]

Thanks for all the words guys.

 

Last 3 nights have actually been really good. Anxiety is now low, and feeling a lot better.

 

Feels so good to go through the day with some sleep and not filled with anxiety and stress.

[[...]]

Are you taking anything currently?

[[8d...]]

Nothing at all thankfully.

 

Since my post, I've actually had some decent sleep. Not sure what the root of the insomnia is, but it does break. When it hits, I definitely panic, and it's hard to get out of that rut.

 

Just have to do my best to be positive about this. It definitely takes time. If it's my own anxiety causing it, then at least it should be within my control. Time will tell. But for now, need to stay strong.

 

I will never take another psychiatry drug again in my life!

[[Mi...]]

Reading these posts is helpful. I guess I must accept the lack of sleep. I try all my self-talk, muscle relaxation, etc., but only drift off for a few minutes.

 

I'm not getting much sleep and I'm early in my taper. From what I read, I will get less and less sleep as I taper. I'm afraid of what my mind will do without sleep. I've already had some brief spells of disorientation. How do people function when they goes for days and nights without sleep? Will I hallucinate? Take too many pills or forget to take pills? Forget to eat - I have to eat six times per day due to stomach disorder and weight loss danger? I'm truly at risk of starvation if I don't keep up my eating regimen - and the nausea has been so bad I can barely eat what I must eat. If it gets worse - which is a common effect of benzo withdrawal, I could actually die - that's what my doctor said.

 

I lay awake most of last night trying desperately to relax and sleep, but when I couldn't, these worries filled my mind.

 

I guess that's what's making me crazy. I could cope with the Benzo wd or the gastroparesis, but having them both together is dangerous.

 

I need hope badly,

MirandaJane

[[8d...]]

I know how awful this is... I went through the worst of it, and I was only on benzos/z-drugs for 4 months!

 

When I was trying to taper, I barely slept at all. It got to the point I would not sleep at all for one night, then the next I would get just enough to get by. I was slowly falling apart, and I really did not see any chance of healing ahead.

 

But here I am... I'm not perfect... I still have some tough days... But I can say with confidence for the first time in a year, that I beat this thing!

 

You will have days where you think you're done. But I assure you, this does end. And there is a beautiful life at the end of all the suffering.

 

Stay strong, keep your head up, and KNOW that you will get through this in time

[[Mi...]]

Thank you damien - I needed the encouragement. I'm very tired and depressed. ONe days it's depression, the next day its anxiety, the next day it's nausea - all on top of the nerve pain, fear, loneliness, cog fog, etc.

 

I have a blog but don't know how to attach it yet. I'm terrible with the computer stuff. I keep thinking I'll figure out how to change my signature and add my blog, but I never seem to have a lucid moment.

 

Thanks again,

MirandaJane

[[Ju...]]

Sorry that you are suffering so with the insomnia and depression Miranda. Early on in my w/d I did go bat crap crazy from lack of sleep and ended up in the mental ward. That was 9 months ago. I was hallucinating and had suicidal thoughts. So..what did they do in the hospital?? Gave me benzo's! I was so sleep deprived I welcomed the reprieve.

 

Hang in there honey...since you have not experienced insomnia pre-benzo you will get your sleep cycle back quickly. I have suffered from this even in my childhood. Grrrrrrrr!! Booooooo!!! and Hisssss!!!!

[[8d...]]

I too ended up in the ward... Because the doctors and nurses were not informed enough to know what was going on with withdrawal.

 

If sleep was not an issue before the benzos, Judy is right... You will get your sleep back soon!

 

The suffering is temporary... That is one thing you have to make a strong note of. Even though it feels like it will never end, IT WILL.

 

Stay strong

[[La...]]

How are you doing buddy? Sounds like you may have some improvement?

 

laser

[[8d...]]

Last couple of weeks have been really good.

 

Sleeping enough to feel good in the day.

 

Hoping this continues for a while.

 

How are you?

[[La...]]

I had a continuous 2 week stretch of semi-normal med-free sleep, waking AFTER sunrise each morning getting ~6-7 hr good sleep each night.

 

Sounds good?

 

Then about 1 week ago, I reverted back to the early wakings, ~4-4:30 am, so I started back on the diphenyhdramine (Benadryl) on and off this week. Its helping but I am just not feeling right, more of the worries and revved up feeling setting in. But nowhere as bad as tapering.

 

I should mention I had 1 glass of wine a week ago. Someone on another thread suggested my post-wine sleep regression was purely psychosomatic. Who knows at this point? Still not 100% normal on the sleep. But I am really feel like I am slowly getting closer. Those 4:00 am wakeups are a killer.

 

Hope you stay well in zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz land.

 

laser

[[Mi...]]

Thanks so much for your replies. I'm in really bad shape today. Really bad. I cut my Ativan by .02 mg. last night and got only a few hours sleep.  In between restless sleep my heart was racing and could not relax at all. Was hungry - the anxiety makes me burn more calories so I must eat more. I fear I will starve.  My insomnia has gotten worse since my last Ativan cut (.01 one week ago). I tried everything - soothing music, my psychologist's hypnosis CD (three times), getting up, relaxing self-talk - but my body just stayed revved up. Isn't .02 mg. per week a really slow cut? It puts me at .22 mg. Ativan now and 16.5 Valium.

 

I just don't see anything getting better and I'm terrified.

 

My doctor doesn't know what to do with me, since I refuse to take any other meds - they always mess me up. And all psychiatrists do is prescribe more meds. Only benzo buddies can help me through this. PLEASE don't desert me.

 

I have no motivation today. Too hyper to do anything, ,too tired to sleep, too confused to think. My stomach hurts, my head hurts, I hurt all over. Be assured that I WILL NOT ATTEMPT SUICIDE but I so don't want to wake up in the morning. I have so far to go. I can't stand TV or radio or evening hearing about what other people are doing. My world is this house and the misery. And my husband, who I adore, but I'm feeling more distant from him as I sink into this horrible world I live in.

 

Help, please,

MirandaJane

[[8d...]]

If you're getting some sleep, consider that good... Also know it will only improve!

 

I ended up taking Seroquel to help me sleep. Was on a very low dose.

 

Not sure if it did anything or if it was all in my head.

 

Get off the benzos, and you will get your life back.

 

Stay strong

[[Mi...]]

Thanks, Damien

 

I'm encouraged to hear that insomnia will improve. I wish I knew when! I have a long way to go. I tried Seroquel once but had a bad reaction to it - can't remember what - it seems like it was throat swelling.

 

I appreciate your support. I dozed for an hour today, but still was anxious. Amazing how you can be anxious in your dreams.

 

MirandaJane

[[Mi...]]

I took 1.5 mg. Melatonin last night and got 6 hours of sleep! I did wake up every hour or two feeling very hot and had to cool off with a wet washcloth, but was able to get back into deep sleep. Even had a good dream! But I was SO grateful that it helped me last night. I woke up in a better mood and with less physical and psychological misery than in a long time. Maybe it will get me through this.

 

- MirandaJane

[[8d...]]

Had some stress a couple of nights ago, and it made it very difficult to sleep. Then again, had a tough time falling asleep.

 

Was feeling pretty damn good for a couple of weeks, but now... Not so much.

 

Hoping to get back there soon.

[[8d...]]

Third night in a row that I've had awful sleep.

 

I was in bed at 2am (my usual time) and felt tired. No sleep would come.

 

Got out of bed at 4:15. Then walked around the house and went back to bed. Probably fell asleep at 5:30. Woke up at 9.

 

It's been 3 nights of this...

 

I was feeling so good and now this. Fuck I'm frustrated and scared.

[[Mi...]]

I've told my husband many times - whatever happens, do NOT take me to a hospital. The docs there will only make things worse. Even if I have  broken arm, they will not read my med list and give me the wrong things or if they keep me overnight they won't get my benzo dosage right. And if I go stark raving mad, call my GP - but I hope she won't suggest a hospital.

 

Judy - I'm glad to hear my sleep will come back -but WHEN? I can't do this for two or three years!

 

Damien - so sorry you are frustrated and scared. Me too. Melatonin helps me a little. Sending good thoughts your way,

 

MirandaJane

[[8d...]]

I think I've had about 10 hours of sleep in 3 days... Just not cutting it for me.

 

I'm trying not to be anxious, but the thought of another night just seems more than I can handle.

 

I don't get how I was doing well the past 2 weeks, and now I'm back to the relentless insomnia.

[[Mi...]]

Damien - I know how you feel. As bedtime approaches I get anxious, wondering if I will sleep or just lie there trying so hard to relax and dose off for a few minutes. Getting up and doing things just makes me more anxious. And I know when the Ativan wears off at 4 am, I will get no more sleep at all. And as I cut the Ativan - .02 mg. per week - things will get worse.

 

I feel for you. I remember when sleep used to be a respite from the worries of the day. No more. Will it ever be again?

 

For what it's worth, you are not alone.

 

MirandaJane

[[La...]]

Damien, i cant recall if you are adamant about not taking ANYTHING to help sleep, but i have resigned to taking 50 mg benadryl after a few days bad sleep. It gives me a good 7-9hr then after a few days of it, my system is recharged. I drop it and sleep med free, that is, until i hit another 3 day rough patch of bad sleep, then repeat 50 mg. Sometimes i can go 2 weeks between rough patches. Good sleep for me is currently defined as 5.5hr or more of quality sleep. This system, while medication dependent, keeps me functional all week but allows me the opportunity to go med free as long as conditions permit. Good luck to us all .

 

Laser