Need supportive words...

[[8d...]]

Siggy, but aren't you feeling better than 14 months ago?

[[Si...]]

Siggy, but aren't you feeling better than 14 months ago?

 

Yes and no. I had more hope coming out of acute. Then had about 5 months of feeling nearly 100% better. Probably felt between 90-95 most of th time. Since getting the flu I'm having s hard time seeing any end to this. I'm constantly tired, depressed and anxious now. I don't have many of the other symptoms that I had in acute, but these ones, especially the insomnia, just break me down. Some tinnitus, head pressure and burning skin remain. But they aren't all the time.

 

Is your main symptom lest just your sleep issues, or do you still have others?

 

I have a MD appt tomorrow since I have had a GP in ove 10 years,. Going to at least see if I have some type of hormone problem. Thyroid problems run in my family. My sister had extremely low vitamin D, so coukd be a possibility. I'm just ready to be normal again after only one month use of that garbage. It's insane what this does to people.

[[8d...]]

Siggy, but aren't you feeling better than 14 months ago?

Is your main symptom lest just your sleep issues, or do you still have others?

 

Good question actually. The only issue that is affecting my life is the insomnia. It's hard to tell if the irritability and anxiety comes from benzos or from the lack of sleep. I tend to think it's the latter.

 

On days where I sleep well, I feel great. I have a lot of fun and am in very high spirits. Days where sleep is not so good, I can sometimes slip into low moods.

 

But I'm getting better at excepting the situation. I try not too stress myself too much. It's hard to not have thoughts like "am I going to feel like this forever" and "will my sleep always be this messed up". But I'm better now at not getting stuck on the thoughts, and just saying "time will hopefully heal this".

 

I made it through what I can only describe as utter hell, so this, although bothersome and mental gruelling at times, is nothing compared to what I have already passed through.

 

Hoping to one day have a solid 8 hour sleep... It would be so wonderful

[[8d...]]

Argh!!!!! Last 3 nights, I've had a very rough time trying to fall asleep.

 

When I do, I'm right up after about 5 hours. I feel like shit.

 

On top of that, went for blood work, and doctor's office called to say I need to come in within 2-4 weeks to discuss results.

 

Secretary said it's nothing urgent, but doctor wants to see you. I'm worried about it still.

 

I've also noticed when I wake up out of my sleep too early, my heart is pounding and body feels right and tingly. Anyone else experience this?

[[Si...]]

Yeah, I've been having a rough time falling asleep too, but that's nothing new. I've only been sleeping 4 or 5 hours when I do. Usually I'd have an easy time falling back asleep, but that isn't working out so well this past week. I think I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night even though I'm exhausted. I just went to a new MD yesterday. I haven't had a GP in probably 10 years, so though it was time to do so. They are testing for Thyroid problems since it runs in my family. I hate to say that I hope it's something to do with that, so at least I'd have a tangible reason for this bs. I'm sure your results will be fine.

[[8d...]]

I hope you're fine. I think your sleep will back.

 

Today I feel so low. I just want a night of restful sleep!!!!

[[La...]]

Supportive words:

 

I have finally, for the first time in 2 years (and 19 months post jump) broken through into fully 100% normal sleeping. Ive hit 100% only a few weeks ago, so theres no telling if I'll regress but 100% normal for me means less than 5 min to fall asleep, no early wakeups, wakeup feeling really good and well rested. 7-8 hrs of sleep with no alarm clock. 19 months it took me, after only 5.5 weeks of lorazepam (plus taper).

 

I too hoped the docs could pinpoint some disease as the etiology responsible, but time has proven it was all just benzo damage/recovery.

 

 

Laser

[[8d...]]

Laser,

 

That is incredible! I'm very happy for you.

 

Really hoping that I'm able to share a story like this one day. I've had weeks that seem fine... Not 100%. But sleeping 6-7 hours, and feeling alright about the day ahead of me.

 

The last few nights have really beat me down. I'm moping around feeling scared and defeated today. Went for a nice walk with the baby, but feel like a zombie.

 

Did you have anything like this, where you feel pretty good for a week, then get hit? And, like me, did you worry at night about what sort of sleep was in store for you?

 

[[Si...]]

Glad to hear you're doing so much better laser.

 

Damien, I'm hoping to round a corner at some point like you are too. Here's to better days (and nights).

[[bd...]]

Congratulations Laserjet!

 

I'm very happy for you - may your restful sleep continue

[[8d...]]

Another night where I'm exhausted, but end up laying there. After an hour, I got up and yelled some profanities and walked into my wife's room. Told her I give up, and want to end my life. I obviously don't, but I'm tired and frustrated.

 

I have been really struggling with sleep since Sunday. It takes me a long time to fall asleep, and then when I awaken after 5 hours, I'm too wired to sleep.

 

The stretches of bad sleep were only lasting 2-3 days over the last month. Now it's going on a week of this torture.

 

I feel like I've lost my ability to fall asleep well and get back to sleep when I awaken too early.

 

Just want to cry today. Felt like I was getting better, not worse

[[bd...]]

Sorry you're struggling Damien,

 

When I'm in a window I can look back at the times when I couldn't fall asleep or if I did, I didn't get enough sleep to feel refreshed, and think 'Yeah that was a wave. Waves come and go.'

 

But when I DO fall into a wave all that logical thinking is completely lost. It's like each time I go into a wave I forget all the great periods I've had where I've slept beautifully.

 

I think I'm stuck this way forever and I'm never going to get better.

 

You'll get a window again. I know it's hard to believe but it will happen.

 

Take care

 

 

[[La...]]

it should be a consolation that I went through that cycle too you describe damien. thought i was never getting better, especially during the prolonged regression. but it just got better for me all on its own.

 

laser

[[8d...]]

Appreciate the words guys. Funny how a week or two ago, I was on here talking about how goods things were. Now I'm on the other side of it. I feel bipolar with all these ups and downs.

 

Did you guys go through this?

[[bd...]]

Absolutely!

 

Whenever I hit a wave I almost can't believe it - like it 'shouldn't' happen.

 

I've been doing this for over 2 years now, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.

 

But I still get really down when I have a bad night's sleep, even though I AM getting better and I'm having fewer bad nights as time has gone by.

[[Si...]]

Yeah I'm in the same boat for sure. Slept the last nine days or so (even though some nights were only two or three hours). Slept 6 hours night before last and felt great yesterday. Last night 0 sleep. Sucks. I went through the same thing with my wife. I was talking about killing myself too. She broke down crying of course and I know I could never do they to my family. I can't shake the anger that I slept fine before this garbage. And that I only took it for a month.

[[8d...]]

Siggy, I'm right there with you.

 

Ihad another very tough night. Turned in about 45 mins earlier than usual because I was exhausted. I was nodding off on the couch.

 

Then got to my bed, and was wide awake. After an hour, I went to see my wife. She cried. Made me feel awful, but I'm so scared.

 

Finally fell asleep and popped right back up after 3.5-4 hours.

 

I feel like I've lost my ability to fall asleep, and to go back to sleep when I have the early waking.

 

I told my wife that suicide sounds beautiful, because it would finally bring me peace. Can't believe that thought even comes from my brain.

 

I'm so tired and frustrated.

[[Si...]]

Siggy, I'm right there with you.

 

Ihad another very tough night. Turned in about 45 mins earlier than usual because I was exhausted. I was nodding off on the couch.

 

Then got to my bed, and was wide awake. After an hour, I went to see my wife. She cried. Made me feel awful, but I'm so scared.

 

Finally fell asleep and popped right back up after 3.5-4 hours.

 

I feel like I've lost my ability to fall asleep, and to go back to sleep when I have the early waking.

 

I told my wife that suicide sounds beautiful, because it would finally bring me peace. Can't believe that thought even comes from my brain.

 

I'm so tired and frustrated.

 

Yeah, I can identify with that. We just have to stick it out. I was in a window the last 3 or 4 days. Felt almost like my old self. The depression was lifted, I didn't feel like someone put a brick in the front part of my brain. I'm hoping it will last and my sleeping pattern will start to normalize soon. It definitely shows me that this w/d crap can play tricks on you. We'll get there one day buddy. Please just don't do anything rash.

[[8d...]]

The last 6 days, I've been sleeping very poorly.

 

The last 3 nights, it's taken hours to fall asleep, and then I can't stay asleep for more than about 4 hours.

 

I haven't had this in a while... How can it come back like this?

 

My family says this can't be from the drug, and are urging me to see a psychologist to deal with my anxiety/OCD...

 

I don't know what is what at this point.

[[al...]]

Our spouses should receive medals of honor for all that we put them through late at night when we begin to freak out over  not being able to sleep. I know that I owe my wife for all of the support that she has given me when she should have been sleeping. Insomnia effects more than the sufferer.

[[8d...]]

Fully agreed.

 

Not only has my wife had to be there for me the last few nights, but we also have a 6 month old baby.

 

I hope this breaks soon... Not sure how much more I can take.

[[Si...]]

I agree my spouse has been a trooper. I hate that I even have had to put her in this position. Tell me about thinking this crap has past and get hit again. I thought I was pretty much recovered after 5 months. Got the flu at 10 months and it brought me back into acute basically.

 

We're heading out to eat Greek in a moment. Going to hang out with one of my best friends that I barely ever get to hang out with now because of this bs. Super tired because I didn't sleep last night, but oh well. Wish I could have some wine with dinner, but that's a no no now. Can't believe how much this poison has robbed from me. We're nearly at the same time off Damien, so hoping we both turn a corner soon.

 

Something that helps me relax a little and helps my headaches is rubbing some essential oil in my temples and forehead. Not a miracle cure, but any little bit helps. I can find out the mix my wife made if anyone is interested.

[[8d...]]

Yesterday, I cried for the first time in a long time... I just bawled uncontrollably while I was holding my son.

 

This has been the toughest week in a very long time. Almost every night this week, I go to bed beyond tired, and I end up laying there. After about 15 mins, when my brain tells me you're not going to be falling asleep, I feel the cortisol rush. Hands get cramped, arms get tingly, heart races, and the mind goes out of control.

 

And that is where I was last night

 

It's been 4 nights in a row of this, and one week of just really bad sleep.

 

Not sure if something was triggered and now this is my new sleep pattern. I was doing alright before this. Waves were getting shorter and more tolerable. But this is breaking me

[[Si...]]

Sorry you're having a rough week. I guess you're just in a wave and have to ride it out. You're baseline should probably get better one the wave passes. It's just tough to deal with while you're in it. I'm of course frustrated by it all too.

 

I take 1000mg of vitamin c most mornings. Not only to keep from getting sick, but it's suppose to reduce cortisol too. I take it in the morning though because it can disrupt melatonin production, which is something we for sure don't want. We're going to make it through this. Once we're on the other side of healing, we can feel better that we made it through this ordeal.

 

Not to take away from our suffering, but I do know some people that have serious terrible illnesses that I'm thankful I don't have. I know a few with Chrone's that have had to have part of their bowels removed. One is a girl that was in her 20's and now has a colostomy bag. I also know a few people that have had cancer that are basically my age (40's). While I usually am a pretty negative person anyway, I'm finding I have to train myself to be more positive if I'm going to make it through this. Hope your wave passes soon!

[[al...]]

Did the crying help a bit with your sleep? I have freaked out like that from time to time and found it to be a good release of tension. Since I have learned what it is like to be driven to that edge, I really felt for you when reading about your recent experience. I guess that reading about all of our shared experiences binds us posters together and causes me to constantly revisit this forum.

 

I'm glad to hear that you think that you are just in wave. At least you can expect a return to better sleep in the future. I hope that it is soon.