Need supportive words...

[[al...]]

Damien,

 

I noticed that a lot of doctors feel comfortable assuming that you got things under control if you really think that maybe you do know what your are doing. They seem to surrender responsibility pretty quick. Maybe it is best to pretend total ignorance when seeing a doctor. That will force them to do all the thinking and bring their experience to bear on the situation.

 

I really thought that I was just fighting an unexplained worsening bout of insomnia that required more sleep medication. No one told me that I was fighting against drug tolerance and was getting all ramped up due to inter-dose withdrawal. One therapist finally wanted to put me on a fairly long drawn-out taper, but the highest dose that I had been taking no longer put me to sleep. I would have just been taking a whole lot more Ambien to get off of it. I think that a fast-track 15 day taper to at least avoid the worst of the withdrawal symptoms was the best way for me to go. I'm just glad that I never acted on the suicidal thoughts that I ended up having.

 

I wish that prescribing doctors would be required to read some of the benzobuddies posts.

[[8d...]]

I felt that I could not sleep without the meds after using them for only 3-4 weeks. I tried stopping, and I just could not. That made me really nervous. I had no idea how powerful this stuff was.

 

I decided to put it off, and just take a little more to get me some sleep. Went from 2.5mg (half a standard size pill) to a full pill (5mg). That worked for about a month, and then it wasn't working at all. I was waking up after 4 hours of sleep, and some nights, I couldn't sleep at all. That was the worst thing ever. Taking a pill I hated taking, and then it not even giving you sleep.

 

I was tolerant, and had interdose. I had insane anxiety. Just took over my world. And then the suicidal thoughts... Because frankly, I could not imagine a life like that day after day.

 

Now the insomnia sucks... But it's still way better than when I was on drugs, and it's refreshing knowing I am sleeping on my own.

 

Now if only I could get more windows, and a little more sleep... All of this would be behind me

[[Si...]]

Hey Damien, do you have any other w/d symptoms? I just wonder because I never hear you complain about them.

[[8d...]]

Not really. I have anxiety but that's likely a result of the insomnia.

 

I used to have burning skin, night sweats, GI issues, inner trembling, major anxiety, and suicidal thoughts (which I believe to just be from dealing with the aforementioned).

 

From what I can tell, everything else has pretty much resolved.

 

Had another 5-5.5 last night, and some very short and light naps for half hour.

 

Not feeling hopeful that this will break. This has been going on for what feels like 2 weeks. Haven't had this in a very long time.

[[al...]]

Damien,

 

I had been getting some pretty good 6, 7 and even 8 hour sleeps for a good stretch, but this week has been going steadily downhill. Last night I only got about 3 hours even though I was sleepy and extremely comfortable most of the time. That is when things get a bit frustrating since it feels like sleep is always just a fingertip out of reach. At least during the day I am now just sleepy without all the weird anxious and depressed feelings that I used to get.

 

I just keep telling myself that I am only 4 months out and doing pretty good overall. Everything that I read has informed me that I can expect a bunch of backslides until things finally resolve themselves. Just need to remind myself that the good stretches will probably return soon and last longer. I think that we all need to remind ourselves of this.

[[8d...]]

Yeah, at 15-16 months off, I'm starting to think it's not WD...

 

Maybe I just think about sleep so much that it's caused a disorder.

 

It's been over 2 weeks now of the early wake ups. This hasn't happened in a year.

 

 

[[La...]]

Hard to be sure if its wd or not. But does it really matter if we know? Would we do anything differently if we could say, "ahah, this is from wd?" I flip flop on concluding that my sleep disturbances are from wd, vs not from wd. But ill tell you this, past few weeks i returned to the insane early wakeups after ~5hr sleep. wd or not? Well, over the past 2 days I have also had a return of the burning skin sx only in my hands. This is DEFINITELY a wd sx. Some here will tell me its all in my mind or my mind created it out thin air.

 

Rubbish.

 

So if I am still prone to sporadic, though minor, wd sxs in one area (e.g. burning skin) then couldnt I also be prone to other lingering wd sxs, e.g. sleep disturbance?

 

If I have too many back to back low sleep nights, ill hit the diphenhydramine one night, get a good sleep, kind of like a battery recharge, feel good the next day, have a positive outlook.

 

Today sucked as i am both sick and on very low sleep, but i try not to feel frustrated. We dont need validation for the sleep problems we experience. It is what is. And you know, as well as i do, that we are a whole lot better now than way back, on average. A year from now we will say the same thing relative to todays crapfest. Hang in there, you have no choice.

 

laser

[[al...]]

Yeah, at 15-16 months off, I'm starting to think it's not WD...

 

Maybe I just think about sleep so much that it's caused a disorder.

 

It's been over 2 weeks now of the early wake ups. This hasn't happened in a year.

 

Damien,

 

The stress (and joy) of having a new baby in the family can be playing a role in your sleep problems. Perhaps as you adjust to this huge change a bit more, your insomnia may back off a bit. I am sure that a lot of dads take sleeping pills to get through this (I did), but that option is not available to you now.

[[8d...]]

Laser,

 

Good points (as usual).

 

Not sure why, but the early wakeup are going on longer than usual here. Not getting those extra naps in the morning now either

 

Aloha,

 

Fatherhood could be playing a role. I put a lot of pressure on myself trying to do a good job. I'm also on his schedule, so I've adjusted my life completely.

 

I guess I just have to keep grinding.

[[al...]]

Just when I was optimistically spouting off that I was doing well and maybe getting ready to come out the other side early, I'm having my first real setback with sleep. Went to bed at 11 am and did not sleep until sometime around 4:30 am. Since it was a weekend, I figured that I could make up time by sleeping late, but woke wide awake around 7 am. This was the first weekend sleep failure in a long time. The rest of this past week saw several 3.5 hour nights and the best was only 5 hours. When I look at my log, I see that this whole month has been fairly bad compared to August and the second half of July, although I had a couple of normal sleeps thrown in.

 

I had plans to get all sort of things done today, but that's not going to happen. The ringing/buzzing in my ears has returned full force and I am just waiting to see if any of the anxiety will return. After reading all of your posts, I can now see how this pattern might go on with me for a long time. I am so excited.

[[8d...]]

We're in it together Aloha. I got about 6 or a slight bit more last night, and although I'm still tired, it's better than 4.5-5...

 

Take care of yourself. We're going to find a way to get through this.

[[8d...]]

Got a decent sleep last night, and finally some light morning naps.

 

Best sleep I've had in a month, but far from perfect.

 

Hopefully this is a window opening up, or whatever it is at this point.

 

Feel a lot better about the day

 

How are you guys doing?

[[Si...]]

Last two nights have been a little worse for me than the last 11. I agree with laser, I have several symptoms that usually show up at the same time. So it makes me think it's still w/d. I can say at least 4 or 5 hours is better than nothing.

[[al...]]

Got a full 8 hours of sleep last night. It only took an hour to fall asleep and I spent an hour in the morning trying to get an extra slice of sleep in before getting out of bed. Eight hours of sleep for 10 hours spent in bed was pretty good! I ended up doing hours of yard work in the hot sun and ran a bunch of errands on Saturday after only 2.5 hours of sleep Friday night so I was pretty beat at bedtime.

 

A couple of months ago I would have been dealing with increased anxiety and depression after a 2.5 hour sleep. Although tired, I felt pretty calm and normal this time around so hopefully my withdrawal is progressing nicely. Its just barely noon here in Hawaii, but I'm wishing everyone a good sleep tonight.

[[8d...]]

I think I got about 6.5-7 last night. Couple wake ups, but not too bad.

 

I'm confused. I could barely sleep for the last couple of weeks, and now, I'm back here. I keep going through these cycles.

 

Could this just be generalized anxiety?

 

 

[[al...]]

Damien,

I had another 2.5 hour sleep last night that followed on the heels of an 8 hour sleep. Maybe that is how the healing goes...we have an initial period of all bad sleep followed by a period of both bad and good, but showing an overall improvement and then a period of a random mix of our worst and best sleeps. That is how mine seems to be going. I'm hoping that the next period will have mostly good sleeps with just a scattering of bad sleeps.

[[Si...]]

Yep aloha, it's what happened to me. I finally hit a stride where I was having 1 really bad night a week. That went on for about 3 months. I haven't had a 0 night sleep in about 3 or 4 weeks. I am having nights that I don't sleep great, but most of them now are around 6 hours give or take. Some nights it's hard for me to fall asleep, while other nights I go right out not long after getting into bed. I still get some anxiety some nights about sleeping, but it's improved now that my sleep has leveled off some. I now have started having problems falling back asleep early in the morning when I wake up, but I'll take that over not sleeping at all. I pop awake at 5 or 5:30 every morning now. Sometimes I fall back asleep and sometimes I don't. It doesn't bother me much though. I just relax in bed until it's time for me to get up.

[[al...]]

Siggy,

I know what you mean about relaxing in bed. Sometimes I am so comfortable that I don't want to get up for anything. It is really weird to be so relaxed and so comfortable and still so awake. At least it seems that being in this state provides some badly needed rest because I end up tired but functional the next day.

[[8d...]]

Since Friday night, I've been doing well. Saturday and Sunday night brought me about 6.5-7 hours. Monday night got me 8!

 

Tonight though, I've stayed up too late. It's 4am here. I need to sleep.

 

But next time I freak out about being trapped in a wave, please remind me of this, ok

 

 

[[Si...]]

I didn't sleep at all the night before last. What's even stranger is that it took me a while to fall asleep last night too. I did finally fall asleep luckily. I'm hoping this isn't a return of the one night on one night off bs. That just ruins me.

[[8d...]]

I'm sorry Siggy. You'll get back to sleeping soon... I have a feeling tonight will be a good one!

 

I was playing Xbox with my friend until 4am last night. My wife and baby are away for a couple of days, so I'm living like I'm 21 again!

 

Was worried I'd be screwed up with sleep. I fell asleep fast, but woke up before my alarm as usual and in light sleep tossing and turning. Finally my alarm went off, and I decided to go back to bed. Slept almost another hour.

 

Waves and windows. Waves and fucking windows! This up and down is like something out of a Saw movie!

[[Si...]]

I'm sorry Siggy. You'll get back to sleeping soon... I have a feeling tonight will be a good one!

 

I was playing Xbox with my friend until 4am last night. My wife and baby are away for a couple of days, so I'm living like I'm 21 again!

 

Was worried I'd be screwed up with sleep. I fell asleep fast, but woke up before my alarm as usual and in light sleep tossing and turning. Finally my alarm went off, and I decided to go back to bed. Slept almost another hour.

 

Waves and windows. Waves and fucking windows! This up and down is like something out of a Saw movie!

 

Sounds like fun! I haven't played a video game in a long time. I use to play different games on my PS3 all the time before this bs. Maybe one day I'll enjoy them again.

 

Exactly, I'm so over the waves. Want to remove the sash lock and nail the damn window open permanently already. Hope tonight is good for both of us.

[[8d...]]

I'm a big kid... I still enjoy my video games when time permits.

 

I've been playing the last few evenings since wife/baby are away. Having a lot of fun with it. It's a nice distraction.

 

 

[[Si...]]

Well I didn't sleep at all last night again. This shit is killing me. I can't believe it. Makes me so angry I ever took this crap. I feel like I'll never get better.

[[8d...]]

That sucks Siggy!

 

Seems like it happens to all of us... The bad stretches just seem to hit us, and we're always caught off guard even though it's happened a million times already.

 

I'm in a good stretch right now, but I know if/when a bad ones comes, I'll be totally deflated as usual.

 

Last night, I slept probably 6+ hours, but it was very broken. I always wake up after about 5 hours, and I have to turn over in bed. Not sure whey I'm always turning over at that hour, but it's like clockwork. Then if it's a good day, I can relax myself, and go back to bed. But it's light sleep, and constantly in and out. Better than bad day though.

 

Stay strong... The good days are coming