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  1. @KNACKERED

    A blog by [kn...] in Member Blogs

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    [kn...]

     

    Knackered Seeks the Divine Feminine with Benzos

       Hey there.  Knackered here.  My own mother was indeed a force to contend with.  While like all mothers of her time, she never worked outside our home until my brother and I were well on our way. The lessons she taught and the qualities she imparted have left an everlasting imprint.

       My wife and mother to our own children taught the personal and powerful life lessons that served our kids well when they ventured out into the world.  Her influence left such an impressions that, to this day, she is still referred to as the ‘Mother Ship’.

      Mothers Day will soon be upon us.  Begun by Ann Jarvis and in honor of her own mother, a long time peace activist, it began as a church service in West Virginia.  Both mother and daughter were sick of men being hauled off to battle in the Civil War, only to come home in a casket or not at all.  Woodrow Wilson made it an official event in 1912 by signing a proclamation declaring it so.  It quickly fell out of favor with Ms. Jarvis when it was relegated to a “Hallmark Holiday”.  She protested and abhorred the commercialization of it on a large, national scale.

       Today, the decision to become a mother at all is a deeply personal one, but we can employ the lessons taught by the ‘Divine Feminine’ in all our lives.  The divine feminine is the emotional and intuitive energy found in all of us.  It is the divine yin to our masculine yang regardless of our choice of gender.  Used wisely, it is the solution to overall balance.  It can ground us to both the Earth and ourselves.

       It’s a receptive energy that is both protecting and caring.  It allows us to rest, and have space and time in our lives.  While the masculine yang forces us to succeed, produce more and try harder, the feminine yin allows us to be wounded and imperfect but whole and complete at the same time. Used in concert with both sides of our nature, it produces a much needed balm to the wounded community of which we are a part of.

        The feminine supports, allows for healing, and embraces compassion and empathy.  It implies all that is needed in a supportive community we are all members of.  We live in what has often been described as a society of patriarchal entitlement dominated by those who want to overpower and control what they encounter.  It is the exact opposite to the balance of divinely feminine qualities that are needed to bring us back together and live as equals. “When we talk about healing trauma, the Divine Feminine offers a caring and complete approach. It teaches us to reconnect with our emotions, showing ourselves kindness and love. It also encourages us to trust our instincts and inner wisdom, helping us navigate the healing journey with grace and authenticity.”  (bryjaimea.com)

       For the sake of all of us, this needs to be the driving force behind what we embrace, write and use to support one another.  This experience is a life changing one for all of us.  Let’s be careful along the way.

     

  2. Pickl's Protracted Progress

    A blog by [Pi...] in Member Blogs

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    [Pi...]
    Latest Entry

    Notes on Diet

    There are some dietary things that most of us can agree on, which are the following:

    • avoid caffeine
    • avoid alcohol
    • reduce or avoid sugar
    • beware additives (packaged food)

    I would also say anything really high in salt can be a problem, especially MSG. I buy No Salt or Low Salt whenever possible.

    So basically, you need to eat the type of diet we were all told to eat all our lives but most of us just didn't. :classic_wink: Whole, natural foods made by the earth and not by people.

    There's a lot of talk about special diets in the community, so I'll give my take on that. I think there's a fine line between being aware of your reactions to foods and becoming afraid of food. That's one thing to keep in mind. Because if we become afraid of food, we'll get reactions from the fear and may omit things unnecessarily. Personally, if I think something has bothered me, I'll try it again. If it happens twice, then I might remove it for a time and try it again down the road. (Unless the reaction is severe, of course.) You want to be aware of how food is affecting you but not paranoid about it. I've also learned that there are things that will bother me in a wave that don't bother me most of the time, so I might alter my diet slightly during a wave.

    If something legitimately bothers you, by all means take it out of your diet. But there are no hard and fast rules to this because we are all unique. Some people benefit from eating more meat, and others from eating less. This is true of all people, so people in recovery are no different. My husband doesn't digest meat well and does better with plant-based whereas my daughter feels better when she eats a lot of meat. Neither of them are in recovery.

    Regarding changing diet, I have to admit to being on both extremes of the continuum at different times. At first I was very slow to cut out anything or change my diet at all. I was convinced that I would heal quickly and was quite stubborn about making changes. I would implore you not to be as stubborn as I was. I constantly revved up my own system with my choices and suffered unnecessarily. On the other hand, there was a time when I was overly strict. I decided histamine was my problem (it often is one of them) and I went low histamine with my diet, which is quite restrictive. In some ways this helped because I was able to identify some foods that did bother me, like hot dogs, lunch meat and leftover meat. But overall I think I cut out too much, and a lot of the foods were healthy and didn't particularly bother me and I didn't eat them for ages. I also became quite afraid of food while I was on this diet.

    For myself, the most effective diet has been the MIND diet, which is simply a diet that is good for the brain and for inflammation. It's not terribly restrictive and simply involves eating decent food with lots of veg. That's it. Nothing complicated and no food groups left out.

    Lastly, I think there is a tendency to use diet as one more way to try to control a process that is largely uncontrollable. We think if we can find the exact right diet, we'll heal quickly. I don't personally believe this is true. I think it can help and can certainly help you feel better during the process, but I don't think it will directly heal you. The gut is often part of the problem, but not the whole problem. That's my personal opinion, for what it's worth. My advice is to find a middle ground. You don't want to be constantly eating stuff that your nervous system doesn't like, but it's probably not helpful to go on an endless search for the perfect diet because then food becomes stressful, which is the last thing you want.  I think diet is a contributor, but one of many. It can certainly affect how you feel and it is an important factor in health (for everybody, not just us), but I don't personally think it's a magic bullet.

  3. Widesky

    A blog by [wi...] in Member Blogs

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    [wi...]

    Many skin changes toward end of taper but especially at present. Months 6,7,8 multiple skin tags, weird moles and dark splotches appearing within weeks of each other.

    not only hair loss on entire body with rough texture, but now all these new ugly moles and tags. On my face, ears, arms legs. 
    dermatologist says it happens rapidly when a person’s hormones are wonky. Thank you psych drugs. Kick me when I’m down. I thought I had a little pimple on the back of the ear and I went to scratch it off and it was a skin tag which is now bleeding. I was prepared for aging and losing a youthful appearance but this is abnormally rapid.

    i don’t know how the hell I can take this shit if it goes on for years.

    I’m pissed and very sad.

    ill be venting my misery in this blog so I don’t flip out. 
     What if I need psych drugs now? Even if not mentally ill, perhaps the chemical imbalance I have FROM years of being polydrugged, can only be stabilized by reinstating?

    These are thoughts that come and scare me. I know this is a common fear.

    i just cannot imagine not working and being stuck at home will be sustainable for much longer.

    I’m going insane, or so it feels that way. Mental anxiety naturally is through the roof.

     Approaching 9 months off next week. Like so many, I took a turn for the worse around month 6/7.

    feel so upset that I am living behind a glass wall of detached reality. 

    I miss laughter, sexuality, caring about how I look, wearing stylish clothes,working out, traveling, etc.

    i miss FEELING!!!

    I do what I can but I suppose I’m still wanting life as it was.. I know that’s an illusion.

    i feel like the people who say life will be better after you “heal” are full of shit, and I’m afraid I’m a lost cause and am not going to heal. 

    Ive forgotten so much as my brain is compromised now, I learned all the systems of the human body in my professional training and can barely remember half of the anatomy and physiology or how it works. 
     

    Okay, enough of this journaling for now, but I do feel better getting it out of me and on the page.

    If you read this Hurricane Season, please know I miss the days of the old BB when we all would post and share our stuff, and be encouraged in such a special way. It was the beginning of Covid and everyone was home and the community was ultra strong.

    Thinking of bluemoon2021 , also.

    Okay, signing off for real. 🌙

  4. Puku's Life After Benzos

    A blog by [pu...] in Member Blogs

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    [pu...]

    Hi hi blog,

    I have a heavy digital footprint across all areas of the internet but in a anonymous way. I remember my benzo blog fondly, because I'm pretty sure the anesthesia they gave me for jaw surgery had something in it. Either was, I was a wretch for a week! And now I'm back to sleeping well.

    It has been my dream of 10 years to get plastic surgery for my jaw, and nose, and eyes... And I've done all of that after getting off the benzos! I knew I would be too sick while I was on them. I wish I had done it sooner. My self confidence is through the roof. 

    I was broken up with a month ago. Life starts anew. I feel more resilient now than ever. I actually feel curious and engaged with life, and I thought that that relationship, however toxic and stressful and damaging it was, it was also beautiful in many ways and I was glad to have experienced it. I hope to only get healthier and happier so that the next one is better. For now I am focusing on improving myself some more. Not that I am even a project to be improved upon! 

    I've been thinking about some new mindsets later, less extreme ones. Rather than wanting to be great! ( a form of coping with insecurity and trauma) I've been thinking of being ordinary. The goal is ordinary. Not average, normal, or everybody else. But just, ordinary. Being broken up with is an ordinary part of life. Not a great tragedy. I actually really liked feeling that normalcy. Feeling like a late bloomer who was never loved is an "extreme" feeling, or wanting "the greatest romance ever experienced" is also an extreme thing. Wanting to have "exactly 4 relationships in my 20s like everybody else" is being "normal" or "getting married at 28" is "average", but "wanting a relationship that is appropriate to my life path, growth and personality" is what I mean by being ordinary. It actually feels really good to be broken up with, it feels like an ordinary experience. Having been through benzos most of my early 20s and tapering in my mid twenties, that was an alienating and lonely experience. That didn't feel ordinary. So in comparison, having a breakup was less extreme than being on the benzos.

    I feel like no where else on the internet can people relate to how benzos shake up your life. To all respects, I look like a normal person. I go about my day, I set goals, I do them, I go to school, I plan what I want to eat, what I want to wear, buy, etc. Yet, there are all these strange things that affect me because I've been through benzos, and probably some form of c-ptsd that lead to the benzos. Like, after surgery, I was dizzy again, like I used to be that lead to the benzos. I do have lots of coping skills now, including knowing that the dizziness is temporary, due to just having had major surgery. But I can't really talk about it to other plastic surgery enthusiasts, because they might be private about their benzos or have never been on it. So the surgery was a little harder on me because of it. But it might be harder on someone else, because their body is weaker due to chronic stress or autoimmune. 

    I really think the benzos also had an influence on that relationship. I had gotten into it when I was just fragile and newly out of benzos. I didn't have experience, I didn't have a healed and healthy mind yet. And it's still healing and becoming better every day. 

    The positive mindset I have had to nurture in order to get through it all has been paying dividends every day. I see new thoughts, new connections, and experience a depth of wonder, beauty, curiosity, and joy that I only felt numb on with the meds. There is even a hint of beauty in the sadness, that I am grateful to experience. When I was on the meds, something like this breakup was and did feel like never-ending sadness. Because my brain was so deadened I couldn't really even get out of it. 

    As you can see, the benzos still affect me in some ways, like the way my thoughts are a bit scattered. I feel like I've been put back together, but different, but certainly better than while I was on the medicine. And at the time, I needed it to get through what I was going through, so I don't regret that either. The depth of forgiveness and equanimity I have now, I think, is also attributed to having my brain back. There was no subtlety when I was on it. But part of it may be attributed to simply growing up, gaining experience in life. Right now, I truly feel like an ordinary human being with the rest of her life to live however she wants to. When I was 18, I thought, "I can be anything I want to be because I am young and have the rest of my life to-" but I didn't know how to manage my emotions and fell down. Now I am almost 28, and instead of feeling like "I am too old, over the hill, I missed my chance" (like I did during benzos and depression) I feel, "I can truly be anything I want to be again, because I am a responsible adult and I can handle anything that comes my way in life and I will figure it out." 

    Now I am back in school. I just got my report card for my first semester in university! All A's. A decade ago, I had dropped out because I was too sick. Now, in my healthy drug free life, I have conquered it through pure mindset and lifestyle. 

    I feel so good about going back to school, improving my looks, things I had wanted to do, but felt stuck about, that I really feel confident about my other dreams. Writing comics, making games, making more art! I feel like I'm growing into my own. I feel like this life is really mine to live, and that it's a precious thing a human life is, and what a privilege it is to take care of me! How glad I am to be put in this body, to be this soul driving this vehicle. All this because I slept for 7 hours haha. I am currently working on 2 games, possibly a third. I hired somebody to help for one, and the other I'm making with a friend. I feel like all my dreams are possible, and worthwhile. My brain is truly coming back online again. I missed out on a lot of experiences, because I had anxiety, because I was on the benzos, that now I feel like the clock is ticking again and time has stopped standing still. I feel like NOW I am living the rest of my life. I get to decide what to do with it. Not even my family has a say in it. Not even my childhood traumas and fears. So I'm really proud of that. I feel like I'm more aware now too. I know that my grandpa has admonished me against the creative arts, but it's also the thing that has supported me the most. I realize that was his fear and not my burden to carry. That adulthood isn't so scary, neither, even, is poverty. I know that once I get out of school, I'll find a job, and it will all be taken care of. There is no unsolvable problem. These days I'm amazed at how positive my attitude is, but it's something that I was forced to have in order to get out of withdrawals. So I am even grateful for that experience, to completely break me down and let me re-invent myself deliberately in a new way. My old ways of thinking lead me to despair and benzos, my new way of thinking gets me out and towards the business of life.

     

    The next time I update this blog, I hope to have more good news for you guys! At the same time that I want to "prove" life goes up and up, I also relax and let myself just be ordinary. I don't have to be great. I don't even have to survive. I just have to be. Because another thing I think, that I've had nowhere else to share so far, is that I realized my confidence isn't based on my achievements. There was a time whenever I got insecure, I would rattle off my past achievements in my head. But I thought, I am not even my past accomplishments. I am just me. I should be confident, because I am me, not because of what I've achieved. I'm confident because I know I have a good mindset, I can trust myself, and I can handle whatever life throws at me. That's where it should come from. And yes, it will help to improve my skills at something, create something, taking action too! I think the confidence to do those things will also come from adopting an attitude of being ordinary - I don't have to be great right away, I don't have to have fantastic results, I just need to "be" and that's good enough.

    As you can tell, since the breakup I read a lot of books on codependency. It's no wonder that I had a lot of wrong beliefs about relationships and love. I'm getting better. And half of getting better may be improving my mindset, the other half is just going to have to be experience in the trenches. That's what I was missing. 

  5. In The Remains Of The Day

    A blog by [Hu...] in Member Blogs

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    [Hu...]

    Hey guys, it's been a long time. And it's been a strange time. Most of this year has been a struggle, but it got particularly bad in August when I tried to introduce Citalopram into my regime to combat my anxiety, particularly my health anxiety. And what do you know, it made things worse. The first two weeks when I started on a super low dose was fine, but as soon as I upped it, it was terrible. And it felt a hell of a lot like benzo withdrawal. And it started getting better as soon as I stopped. Got me wondering how much of my benzo withdrawal was actually due to citalopram - as I started taking it a few days into acute - and funnily enough I traced my old blog and noted that my worst spells always came just after I upped my citalopram dosage.

    Anyway, so I stopped. Throughout late August and up to mid September I had a pretty bad time. Some good days, but I was often anxious and depressed. And I gave in, I'm not going to go into the specifics of what I did, but let's just say it caused me to feel some shame rearing my head round these parts again. But, it has helped, and since the 19th of September in particular I've been much better. Still anxiety and depression here and there but mostly much much better.

    And I can drink alcohol again! I did so on the night of my football teams historic 4-1 victory of PSG in the champions league, with my friends in a pub, and it was one of the best nights of my life.

    In recent weeks I've been having some wobbles - I have a few days here and there where I just feel terribly anxious. Particularly on the 1st of Dec I really struggled, but after a good long sleep it got much better.

    -

     

    In other news, I've been making some great progress with my writing. Both poems and my novels. Instead of always trying to write something deep and profound with my poetry, I've been doing some looser, more light hearted and occasionally crass things, but its been very freeing and enjoyable. So, ups and downs. Hopefully I stay up enough to have a pleasant Christmas period with friends and family.

  6. Hotcoldhotcold

    A blog by [Ho...] in Member Blogs

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    [Ho...]

    Most foods don't do anything for me. I eat because I need to; this recovery process kind of killed my appetite. For a long time I had a lump, constantly rising up in my throat when I ate. The lump is gone, so that's a 'yay' box I can check. But I still don't much like food.

    I do like Fairlife Chocolate Milk. When I can find it. It's amazing. Even my body-building grandsons approve of it because it's high protein and low sugar. It has the same amount of sugar as white milk. You'd never know it's actually kinda good for you. I trust you won't tell any grade-schoolers you know. Keep this one a secret. 

    Here's why. There are days I've gone out to buy some, and three stores later, come up empty-handed. It finally dawned on me that mothers probably buy it for their kids because their kids love it, and it's kind of good for them. Duh. That's why the shelves are almost always empty.

    I don't want to run to the dairy section and take the last bottle when kids are watching.  I have visions of little kids running towards the dairy case, "Mommy I see it!" and there's me, pulling down the last quart in my mean little hands, suddenly turning to see them coming. I can't, no, really, really couldn't take the last quart.

    I have to get there before the moms do.

     

     

    fairfield - 2.jpeg

  7. TaterTot's Blog of Tenacity 2

    A blog by [Ta...] in Member Blogs

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    [Ta...]

    Posting my first blog just to say hello to any and all old (and new) friends.

    I guess our old blogs are archived and will be phased out eventually? Has anyone found a way to save their old blogs, perhaps save them offline. It serves as record of the past 6 years of my life so it might be nice to save for future reference. 

    Anyway! I hope everyone is hanging in there and finding their way on the new site. It took me so long to fugue out the old one, so I imagine it will take me awhile to figure this one out too! But as I always said...I am not going anywhere. I might be logged off for awhile as I have been getting busier and more capable but I am still here for anyone who would like to reach out. 

  8. Living with long term harm from benzos

    A blog by [lo...] in Member Blogs

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    [lo...]

    I have been in two minds about whether to continue to blog or not.  I have been on BB for such a long time, since 2014 in fact.  Why am I still here?  The reasons are simple, I continue to live with the long term effects of a benzo brain injury and I have made some good friends on this website.  Not only that I have acquired a whole family of virtual critters who inhabit my blog, in fact they think it belongs to them.  They will appear now and again, of that I am sure.  

     

    You can read about my history here. 

    https://benzobuddies.org/profile/238407-[lo...]/?tab=field_core_pfield_1

    Old blog is here. 

     

    It is over 10 years since I completed my taper, I had no idea what was in front of me.  Most of us are in the same boat.  It has been a very long journey, the journey continues.   I have come a long way from being virtually bedridden, however I am still chronically tired and am limited in what I can do in any one day, many days I do very little and have to spend quite a bit of time resting and recovering after being out of the house, meeting friends etc.  Hopefully I can work out how to use this new blogging system.  As well as being on BenzoBuddies I have been very active in campaigning about benzo and antidepressant harms, I have been on Twitter since 2014.  I have been on TV and in the press.  I now take life a bit easier and don't do any more interviews.  I am tired.  I will see how this new blog goes, it isn't so easy to adapt to change now. 

  9. Pathologizing Personality

    A blog by [jo...] in Member Blogs

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