Many skin changes toward end of taper but especially at present. Months 6,7,8 multiple skin tags, weird moles and dark splotches appearing within weeks of each other.

not only hair loss on entire body with rough texture, but now all these new ugly moles and tags. On my face, ears, arms legs. 
dermatologist says it happens rapidly when a person’s hormones are wonky. Thank you psych drugs. Kick me when I’m down. I thought I had a little pimple on the back of the ear and I went to scratch it off and it was a skin tag which is now bleeding. I was prepared for aging and losing a youthful appearance but this is abnormally rapid.

i don’t know how the hell I can take this shit if it goes on for years.

I’m pissed and very sad.

ill be venting my misery in this blog so I don’t flip out. 
 What if I need psych drugs now? Even if not mentally ill, perhaps the chemical imbalance I have FROM years of being polydrugged, can only be stabilized by reinstating?

These are thoughts that come and scare me. I know this is a common fear.

i just cannot imagine not working and being stuck at home will be sustainable for much longer.

I’m going insane, or so it feels that way. Mental anxiety naturally is through the roof.

 Approaching 9 months off next week. Like so many, I took a turn for the worse around month 6/7.

feel so upset that I am living behind a glass wall of detached reality. 

I miss laughter, sexuality, caring about how I look, wearing stylish clothes,working out, traveling, etc.

i miss FEELING!!!

I do what I can but I suppose I’m still wanting life as it was.. I know that’s an illusion.

i feel like the people who say life will be better after you “heal” are full of shit, and I’m afraid I’m a lost cause and am not going to heal. 

Ive forgotten so much as my brain is compromised now, I learned all the systems of the human body in my professional training and can barely remember half of the anatomy and physiology or how it works. 
 

Okay, enough of this journaling for now, but I do feel better getting it out of me and on the page.

If you read this Hurricane Season, please know I miss the days of the old BB when we all would post and share our stuff, and be encouraged in such a special way. It was the beginning of Covid and everyone was home and the community was ultra strong.

Thinking of bluemoon2021 , also.

Okay, signing off for real. 🌙