Benzo Related Loneliness

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Thanks, Beck. I've been reading your posts these last couple of days and I feel for you, as well. When you can't find solace in connecting with friends, the isolation of living alone (in a depressing neighborhood) makes the world seem sinister. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in an altered realty, a nightmare really, I keep trying to wake myself but no luck yet.

 

I live in New England and the gloomy winter weather isn't helping things. So now I keep telling myself - just hold on til spring

 

We can't give up, Beck

[[Be...]]

I can't give up because I keep waking up in the morning.  It's so cold here tonight, about 14 degrees, and I get the heeby geebies from being housebound and not being able to get up and go to work now.  I feel for you too as well, Rosa.  Living alone is difficult with this w/d.  Being alone with all your s/x's.  I have a few friends who I talk with on the phone and who come by take me out, but that's about it.  I used to be self sufficient and would go places and visit others and go shopping and stay busy.  Now, I feel stuck in my mind and body from being disconnected.  I do try to distract and keep busy. 

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I thought it might be helpful to repost the original post again here.

I'm glad you did, because I have been thinking the same thing as you were, apparently:

I think this is why benzo-related loneliness has characteristics that are different from regular loneliness. We are chemically blocked from a fundamentally important aspect of our lives - the ability to feel - the ability to feel a connection to ourselves and to our life.

I have been talking about something related to this every day for at least a week or so, I think. It is the concept of feeling highs and lows while on benzos, even when they seem to be working. I was on them for 35 years, and during that time I lost a part of myself. I lost both the highs and lows in life. I took the drugs to get rid of the lows, and probably the benzos worked for that. Over the years I said to many people, "I just don't ever get excited about anything. I don't feel joy - ever".

 

I just hit 8 months off today. In the first month or so I had hints of being more connected to peak moments, but there were so many awful moments that I did not much pay attention, or if I did, I lost the good moments when the really bad ones came along.

 

It was not until somewhere around 6 months and after that I started to recognize that I felt joy again, but of course that was just for odd moments. I don't think we ever have such joy for long, because peak moments are peak moments. Still, it is different, and when people ask me about being healed, I simply say that I don't know if I will ever be healed, or what being fully healed means, but I do know that I feel better off the drugs than on them. For several months I did not think that would ever happen.

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I'm glad you wrote this River Wolf.  The over active brain amygdala causes all this fear and isolated feelings.  Telling yourself everything is alright and there's nothing to be afraid of helps.  I'm always aware of it.  The only thing I can't seem to control are my dreams at night and then the fearful and depressing intrusives that pop in, though they're not as bad as before.  It's cold and snowy here and I had a dream last night that I was alone in a tundra and hiding in an igloo or cave to stay warm and looking out at the vast cold, sterile wasteland.  It was horribly lonely and depressing.  I've been trying to shake the dream all day.  I just try to keep busy and doing things during the day as best I can to fight back the demon of w/d.

You just gave me words for something I have been unable to describe.

 

I have called my dreaming "REM-hell". I have always had extremely vivid dreams, and I have always remembered them. I think some of the sterility you are talking about crept into my dreams a long time ago. You say: vast, cold, sterile.

 

A central theme for me has been abandonment. I am somewhere, cut off from all my friends and family, and where I am is lifeless, alien, terribly lonely. I don't have a cell phone. I know no phone numbers. I don't even know an address to give someone. I can't even ask for help, because I don't know anything that would allow anyone else to help me.

 

These dreams have been AWFUL, and they went on for months - sterile, gray, hopeless.

 

Just recently they have happened less frequently, and more pleasant dreams seem to happen more often. This is perhaps the one area in which I do not feel healed, so if there is much greater healing to take place, I would welcome it.

[[Be...]]

In my dreams, I'm all alone, utterly alone, in a cold, lifeless place and I'm afraid with no warm feelings. 

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In my dreams, I'm all alone, utterly alone, in a cold, lifeless place and I'm afraid with no warm feelings.

In ALL of them? I certainly have my share of those dreams, and they shake me to the core for hours after I wake up.

[[Be...]]

In my dreams, I'm all alone, utterly alone, in a cold, lifeless place and I'm afraid with no warm feelings.

In ALL of them? I certainly have my share of those dreams, and they shake me to the core for hours after I wake up.

 

No, I wouldn't say all of them.  This morning I had a dream which involved other people.  I dream about being around other people alot since I'm housebound and see other people or socialize much now and get very lonely.  I talk to friends on the phone, but it's not the same.  Before benzo's I would go out and socialize. 

 

 

[[be...]]

I wanted to offer help if anybody is having trouble with loneliness.

 

As I get further into my healing, I can see how the benzos effect our perceptions of ourselves and the world.

 

If you are feeling that deep loneliness and despair that comes with withdrawals, just know that it is related to the benzos and it will get better as you recover.

 

 

 

River

 

 

River:

 

I trust you that it gets better. The loneliness and despair that I feel right now is unbearable. Somedays I just can't cope at all. Betsy

[[su...]]

It's interesting how there seem to be 2 different and opposite reactions.

Some people actively dislike people, company etc, and others, Probably all of us on this thread feel that lonelyness.

We, most likely seek out what company we can, and even if we do actualy have a good group of friends, we still feel like we're way behind in that department.

I haven't had it effect dreams at any point during this.

Actually, even at my worsed, dreams stayed untouched.

That was interesting!

 

[[Be...]]

I often have dreams of being with alot of people since I'm isolating so much here at home.  I think those dreams help me to feel connected more.

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I often have dreams of being with alot of people since I'm isolating so much here at home.  I think those dreams help me to feel connected more.

I have dreams about doing things with people that are fun, things that I feel no pleasure in at all while awake.

 

My grandmother MANY years ago told me that is she was in a busy place, she could just sit and watch all the people, and just watching them was fascinating.

 

I feel none of that. No connections to humanity as a whole. Just to a few individuals.

 

[[Iw...]]

I have disturbing dreams too. I always feel so lonely and detached and feel a desperate feeling sometimes like needing help but knowing no one can help. I wake up and its hard to get in a good place because I wake to something similar.

 

I'm housebound too becksblue. Do you go out at all? I ask because some say housebound then tell me they go shopping and do errands. Which is great but there is a big difference.

 

I'm feeling scared and lonely. Anybody want to share what helps?

[[Be...]]

I have disturbing dreams too. I always feel so lonely and detached and feel a desperate feeling sometimes like needing help but knowing no one can help. I wake up and its hard to get in a good place because I wake to something similar.

 

I'm housebound too becksblue. Do you go out at all? I ask because some say housebound then tell me they go shopping and do errands. Which is great but there is a big difference.

 

I'm feeling scared and lonely. Anybody want to share what helps?

 

Maybe I shouldn't say completely housebound.  I can't drive now and do get a ride to the store every week or so and my friend will take me to eat dinner somewhere.  But, I spend my days inside mostly with anxiety, fear, obsessing and cog fog.  I went for a walk today and took the cat out and visited with the neighbor for a while.  But, compared to how I used to be before these benzo's, I consider it housebound, since I'm in here on the couch mostly.  Maybe it's relative for me. 

[[Iw...]]

Becksblue. Yes, it makes sense to me that you would say housebound. It is very good that you that you get out sometimes. I've been walking around my yard.

Our days are spent closely the same. Mostly inside anxiety, fear, obsessing, and cog fog.

 

It's good you have pets. I have cats and dogs and think they are a blessing. I also have a husband that is a blessing but he can't be with me all the time and I wouldn't do that to him. Sometimes its our benzo brain.

[[Ga...]]

I often have dreams of being with alot of people since I'm isolating so much here at home.  I think those dreams help me to feel connected more.

I have dreams about doing things with people that are fun, things that I feel no pleasure in at all while awake.

 

My grandmother MANY years ago told me that is she was in a busy place, she could just sit and watch all the people, and just watching them was fascinating.

 

I feel none of that. No connections to humanity as a whole. Just to a few individuals.

 

i used to go to the mall and sit outside on a bench. i liked it ppl going by etc. now i dont think id li,ke it:(

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I often have dreams of being with alot of people since I'm isolating so much here at home.  I think those dreams help me to feel connected more.

I have dreams about doing things with people that are fun, things that I feel no pleasure in at all while awake.

 

My grandmother MANY years ago told me that is she was in a busy place, she could just sit and watch all the people, and just watching them was fascinating.

 

I feel none of that. No connections to humanity as a whole. Just to a few individuals.

 

i used to go to the mall and sit outside on a bench. i liked it ppl going by etc. now i dont think id li,ke it:(

A friend of mine asked me today if the irritation I feel with people had to so with their slow thinking, and I realized that this is true. In my job I have to slow down my mind to the speed of the people I'm teaching, and by nature I think very fast. I have often said that much of life is like having a race car and having to drive it around for hours and hours each day in a parking lot, at about 5 miles per hour.

 

I think that benzos used to tranquilize me so that I did not feel as much impatience. Now when I am around people I have to censor myself all the time. Most of the time getting away from everyone is a relief.

[[Be...]]

I would feel lonely and disconnected and anxious around people I would work with when I ran my lab.  I have been doing lab work most of my adult life and when you're needing to deal with people who don't have as much experience and don't understand how to do the work, but think they do, especially superiors, it becomes very anxiety-provoking. 

[[Iw...]]

Benzogirl. I think river created this to give hope because he's been through it and knows how horrible it is and that it goes away.   

 

Gardenia. I used to like to watch people to and don't feel I could do that now. Theres not even a desire.

[[Bl...]]

The holidays, cold weather and early darkness causes me to feel lonely and vulnerable. I do not want to feel this way. I try to counter act it with positive self talk, but it is not easy to keep myself from getting depressed. Weird part is that I am lonely, but I can not think of anyone I want to be with. Instead, I would rather  curl up under a fluffy comforter and watch some light hearted TV.

 

Blue

[[Iw...]]

The holidays, cold weather and early darkness causes me to feel lonely and vulnerable. I do not want to feel this way. I try to counter act it with positive self talk, but it is not easy to keep myself from getting depressed. Weird part is that I am lonely, but I can not think of anyone I want to be with. Instead, I would rather  curl up under a fluffy comforter and watch some light hearted TV.

 

Blue

 

Me too  blue yet nothing is comforting. even my pets and husband can't make this awful feeling go away. It's chemical. Knowing that doesn't make it go away but we can keep reminding ourselves and each other that it will pass.

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The holidays, cold weather and early darkness causes me to feel lonely and vulnerable. I do not want to feel this way.

For me it is mostly the holidays. I am a workaholic, I guess, though my work is teaching, so it has to do with being with people. I teach less in December than in any month of the year, so it is almost like being semi-unemployed for one month. We don't have much money for perks, so down-time for me means being mostly stuck at home. Vacations are out of the question.

 

Everything stops in December. I am not a big lover of TV, but there are a few shows I like. They all stop around December 15th and do not resume until around January 15th. The Daily Show is off for the last two weeks in December. Bill Mahar is off for all of December. Even news shows are off on Xmas. The world stops in December.

 

Even here the people who are normally here almost 24/7 are largely gone.

I try to counter act it with positive self talk, but it is not easy to keep myself from getting depressed. Weird part is that I am lonely, but I can not think of anyone I want to be with. Instead, I would rather curl up under a fluffy comforter and watch some light hearted TV.

Do you ever find that the IDEA of socializing is much more pleasant than the reality of it?

[[su...]]

Hi Gary,

That's an interesting question!

I think it depends who.

It's also derived, for me anyway, of a feeling that life is getting away from me, and somehow seeing more people would help that.

In reallity, Yes, It hinnk they often fall short, and I'm sometimes glad when they go away.

Perhaps curled up in bed with a loved one, something I can't do right now as I haven't currently got one... might be very nice.

Just as long as they don't snore or want to talk half the bloody night!!!

 

[[Re...]]

During my withdrawal, the loneliness I was feeling was unlike any kind of loneliness I had ever experienced. There was a very different quality to it, and I wanted to try and help those who are having trouble with this.

 

Many people mention how deep their loneliness is and how deep their despair seems.  I think what is going on here is that because the benzos are  chemical and electrical blockers designed to separate us from feeling our problems,  they also separate us from feeling connected to the deeper aspects of ourselves - some call it our higher - self, or Soul or Source. It would be easy to get into a discussion about the spiritual aspects of this, but here I wanted to focus on a more psychological approach. For those interested in a more spiritual and metaphysical based discussion, see a topic in Faith and Philosophy called Benzos and God.

 

There is an extremely different type of loneliness felt in any drug withdrawal, (specifically here I am referring to any neurotransmitter effecting drugs).  There is a special significance particularly for me as the mere fact that I allowed myself to go on prescription drugs that I am now addicted to was caused by the different and sometimes incorrect diagnoses that lead to these medications.  Right or wrong these diagnoses have this loneliness effect even without drugs.

 

I think this is why benzo-related loneliness has characteristics that are different from regular loneliness. We are chemically blocked from a fundamentally important aspect of our lives - the ability to feel - the ability to feel a connection to ourselves and to our life. Those with depersonalization and derealization know what I am talking about.  DP and DR was one of the hardest parts of withdrawal for me.

 

In addition to benzos, antidepressants, antipsychotics, and any neurotransmitter effecting drug alters our perception and disconnects us physically, mentally, psychologically, and emotionally from almost everything.  DP and DR are huge for me but there are many other types of symptoms also that exacerbate the loneliness even more for me.

 

There is a haunting characteristic to the loneliness one feels from benzos. Besides seeming deeper and more consistent and of a longer duration, this kind of loneliness feels permanent and final.

 

Yes.  It definitely does feel permanent and final.

 

I think one of the effects of being chemically blocked is a deep seated doubt that creeps in to us. We doubt it will ever end, we doubt that we can be happy again, etc. The doubt is a physiological effect of the drug.

 

I doubt everything.  Mostly I doubt myself.  I have lost faith in all of the medical community, friends, family, loved ones, the government, religion, and humanity, just to name a few.  I feel an abrupt end to any innocence I still had remaining and an overwhelming amazement that I could be so intelligent, well educated, and well experienced but yet so naive.  I am afraid to experience pleasure again because I know it will just go away eventually anyway and the contrast between happiness and sadness is so dramatic for me that any happiness makes the sadness worse exponentially.

 

From my experience with this, I think that if you are feeling this way, please try to understand that it is probably the benzos that is causing this.

 

Toward the end of my taper, this loneliness went away as my ability to feel again came back. Now, that haunting loneliness is completely gone. I can feel Love for life again.

 

I am afraid to feel again.  The experience I have had hurts so deeply I would rather feel nothing than to risk happiness that will be ripped away from me.  I am afraid to feel sadness for fear I lose control of it and become majorly depressed.

 

If you are  in wd and are feeling that deep, deep loneliness, hold on -    it will pass.    You will feel love again.

 

When, River?  When?

 

 

River

[[Re...]]

Do you ever find that the IDEA of socializing is much more pleasant than the reality of it?

 

Absolutely.  Despite feeling overwhelmingly lonely, the effort it takes to sustain social interaction can be even more overwhelming at times.

[[Iw...]]

 

Do you ever find that the IDEA of socializing is much more pleasant than the reality of it?

 

Yes, definitely and what rebel said.