Benzo Related Loneliness

[[Un...]]

Translator,

 

It pains me to know such wonderful people are experiencing this.  However, relieving to know we are not experiencing this alone.  I'm so sorry you've had the c/t experience and that there have been no windows for the past 15 months, for you.  Also, I'm excited for you because you are 27 months out and it's GOING to get better!  And you will be yourself again, probably a much better version, as I've heard so many say. 

 

So much of what you and Julz said is bang on.  I, too, work with mindfulness and do guided meditation daily...multiple times a day.  A lot of power affirmations from YouTube, too.  And it has that strange effect on me, but it's hit or miss.  Hard to ground yourself when you feel like so weak your body is exhausted but your mind fuels you to want to escape and move, somehow.  "Restless and powerless" at once, yes.  "Mental akathisia and that dreaded anhedonia", yes.   

 

Having BB to come to is such a blessing.  I don't know what I'd do without you all. 

 

I feel so far behind since I had to reinstate but I knew I couldn't do it any other way.  I'm going forward with a passionate curiousity of discovering that better version of myself.  But of course, my mind tells me it's impossible.  Still...  going forward.  I got myself off 20myears of polydrugging with AD's and detoxed off pain "medication", so I am determined to get off these benzos and give it all I've got. 

 

I really appreciate you all!  Much love!!

 

Uni

[[tr...]]

Unicorn, thanks for your nice reply! I wish you to get better soon, and that life will be as usual.

I had probably taken the opportunity to recover if I had that chance, but my doctor never believed me. She felt it was "anxiety" so there was no talk of getting it done. I'm also grateful that I didn`t have any tablets left here at home, I've been looking! In a panic I've torn in boxes and cabinets, it looked like there had been a hurricane in the apartment.

 

I had no idea that life would be like this. I knew I would feel bad, but maybe just for 4-5 months. Who could think it would be like this?

 

Lots of love back!

 

 

 

 

[[Ca...]]

Hi guys..!!

Loneliness has been a huge problem for me also... For me it saps energy and motivation... So much easier to just let life pass you by in a safe numbness...

BUT, this isnt healthy or even existing, let alone living...

In my situation, I found it very hard to find ways to connect with people, or the world they live and enguage in. -I need to feel better to be able to participate and hold up my end in any friendship or relationship, or I feel very inadequite, anxious, and basicly sub standard...  But Mixing with people has helped pull me forwards in so many ways...

Though I am finding that one must be careful to ensure that any relationships with people are actually healthy and ballanced.. I have found myself putting up with things that I never would have in the past, and I seriously think it has the potential to do more harm than solitude itself...

We are going through a hell that will probably never be understood by most, so that causes isolation and loneliness too, but i have noticed that the owerwhelming aspect has eased a bit at lower doses... This is after all, chemical, not our true selves..

I guess many of us have a whole new life to rebuild, and it seems impossible.. But step by step, ever forwards, -as with all things benzo...

look for the small opportunities that present, consider the dynamics and ensure any socialising or friendships are infact healthy and productive... -probably dont make my mistake of focusing on just one or two people too intently..!!

Remember... -We never know what tomorrow will bring..!! -all things good, I hope... AND Easter Eggs..!!

For anyone that has CT'd, -Or pollydrugged, I wish you that bit extra strength, I know opiates, in my case, have taken the fun right out of it all.. -no endorphines, I guess..!!

Just remember the amazing capacity the body has for healing and survival... Trust the process..

Be well Everyone..

-sorry bout the spelling, etc..!!

 

 

[[So...]]

No one has posted since March. How is everyone doing? I am going through a bout of feeling lonely and need some support to survive and find some hope.

[[Fa...]]

I did not taper. I am three months since my last Ativan. NOBODY believes I am having symptoms from my Ativan use "three months ago".

The depression and loneliness is unbearable. So is the feeling that this is permanent. I will hold onto your words with everything I have.

[[So...]]

A few of my friends also still don't believe benzo withdrawal symptoms, and slowly but surely I find myself isolating myself from them and the world. Fortunately I have a supportive husband; but he works out of town and comes home on the weekends. My daughter came to visit for a little while from college and brought her two cats. She used to live with me until last year when she went off to college and took the pets. I miss them so much. I am trying to distract as much as I can, but is so hard many times because of my sleep deprivation and exhaustion. I also have that impeding feeling that this is permanent brain damage. I find some solace reading success stories and messaging with some bb friends that are helping me with their encouragement. What are you doing for the depression? Taking any supplements? I understand vit 6 can help with this; however, it might wire some people up. I am going through a setback with omeprazole which has made my insomnia worse. I don't know if you are a believer, but meditation and praying sometimes help e a lot.

[[Ma...]]

A few of my friends also still don't believe benzo withdrawal symptoms, and slowly but surely I find myself isolating myself from them and the world. Fortunately I have a supportive husband; but he works out of town and comes home on the weekends. My daughter came to visit for a little while from college and brought her two cats. She used to live with me until last year when she went off to college and took the pets. I miss them so much. I am trying to distract as much as I can, but is so hard many times because of my sleep deprivation and exhaustion. I also have that impeding feeling that this is permanent brain damage. I find some solace reading success stories and messaging with some bb friends that are helping me with their encouragement. What are you doing for the depression? Taking any supplements? I understand vit 6 can help with this; however, it might wire some people up. I am going through a setback with omeprazole which has made my insomnia worse. I don't know if you are a believer, but meditation and praying sometimes help e a lot.

 

U have empty nest and withdrawals, that's not fair.  But there is a kitten at your closest pet shelter with your name on it . This is kitten season and they r overloaded with kittens.....just saying.  I do hope u feel better soon 

[[So...]]

I sure do Mary5588. I thought about getting a kitten, but I have been so down I am thinking is not the right time yet I also love dogs. I hope you have a successful tapering and feeling okay again.

 

Peace and love,

[[sk...]]

If you're going to get a pet get a kitten, dogs are pretty hard to take care of.  Cats kind of take care of themselves.  You don't have to walk them or take them out to potty and they're not too needy like dogs are.

[[Ma...]]

I sure do Mary5588. I thought about getting a kitten, but I have been so down I am thinking is not the right time yet I also love dogs. I hope you have a successful tapering and feeling okay again.

 

Peace and love,

.

 

I'm only going to say one more thing about a pet.  They not only provide so much love and comfort but they take u out of yourself and your problems for awhile every day.  I'm sorry, I am a big pet person and would not have made it without mine.  And u read that over and over, all over this forum.

Ok, I'm done.  Just would like u to have moments of company and love every day

[[So...]]

I am partial to kittens as well. Right now I am going to a horrible wave (after having a good window for a month). I haven't slept in the last two days, and I am so fatigued and all my feelings are magnified. Hopefully I will be able to get a pet sooner than later to fill some of the loneliness I am feeling. I am also feeling a lot of emptiness and sadness in my heart. I don't know if this is DP/DR or just depression. Maybe this is not the right thread to share this, but in addition to being an empty nester I am dealing with a son who is having a lot of problems and our relationship is becoming more fragile and broken every time. I cannot fix him anymore, he is an adult. It breaks my heart thinking that I may lose him forever; but I have done all I can to help, and I need to heal and recover from this 'brain damage' from benzo. I know I am not the only parent who has gone through this with a son. I feel so weak, I am afraid I won't be able to make it. Hopefully I will find the strength to fill my heart with joy, peace, and love again.

 

Hugs everyone 

[[Ma...]]

I am partial to kittens as well. Right now I am going to a horrible wave (after having a good window for a month). I haven't slept in the last two days, and I am so fatigued and all my feelings are magnified. Hopefully I will be able to get a pet sooner than later to fill some of the loneliness I am feeling. I am also feeling a lot of emptiness and sadness in my heart. I don't know if this is DP/DR or just depression. Maybe this is not the right thread to share this, but in addition to being an empty nester I am dealing with a son who is having a lot of problems and our relationship is becoming more fragile and broken every time. I cannot fix him anymore, he is an adult. It breaks my heart thinking that I may lose him forever; but I have done all I can to help, and I need to heal and recover from this 'brain damage' from benzo. I know I am not the only parent who has gone through this with a son. I feel so weak, I am afraid I won't be able to make it. Hopefully I will find the strength to fill my heart with joy, peace, and love again.

 

Hugs everyone 

 

I am so sorry about your son.

[[So...]]

Thank you Mary. Thanks for your support, It means a lot to me. Just praying very hard for serenity, fortitude, wisdom, love. I surrender to God completely!

 

Hugs 

[[fl...]]

I am feeling the most profound loneliness.  Like you, Solyluna,  I have a very supportive husband, but my children are married and living far away.  I miss them so much.  I have always loved holidays and made them very special when the kids were growing up, so this holiday weekend is very painful.  Our house feels like the loneliest place on earth.  I feel farther and farther away from friends in my illness and fatigue, too, and being with them is sometimes as painful as being alone.  You are right, Mary, my cats are such solace and I love them so much.  When I lie on the sofa, they come and nestle beside me; it's so comforting.  I am so sorry about your son, too, Solyluna.  I am estranged from one of my sisters and it is so hard not to be consumed by my desire for healing between us, particularly when I am so weak and vulnerable.  My heart goes out to you.

Unicorn74, if you are out there, your post really resonated with me; I am in the same boat; hopefully you are feeling better now.  I take heart from everyone's encouraging words; I hope I will hear from a buddy; BB is now a lifeline for me.  Yes, Solyluna, "praying very hard for serenity, fortitude, wisdom, love."  I have not been a believer, but I am beginning to call out to God every day.  Thanks to all.

[[So...]]

For BB is also becoming a lifeline. It so crucial in recovery not lose the sense of community and connection, let's keep it that way. My connection to God is very personal, and I don't mean to impose my beliefs to anyone, but in my toughest moments is faith and hope that keeps me going.  Flibberty, I am glad you are trying to call out to God. If you don't mind, I would like to share a little prayer from one on my favorite saints:

 

Let nothing disturb you,

Let nothing frighten you,

All things are passing away:

God never changes.

Patience obtains all things

Whoever has God lacks nothing;

God alone suffices.

 

-- St. Teresa of Avila

 

Hugs everyone 

[[Ma...]]

For BB is also becoming a lifeline. It so crucial in recovery not lose the sense of community and connection, let's keep it that way. My connection to God is very personal, and I don't mean to impose my beliefs to anyone, but in my toughest moments is faith and hope that keeps me going.  Flibberty, I am glad you are trying to call out to God. If you don't mind, I would like to share a little prayer from one on my favorite saints:

 

Let nothing disturb you,

Let nothing frighten you,

All things are passing away:

God never changes.

Patience obtains all things

Whoever has God lacks nothing;

God alone suffices.

 

-- St. Teresa of Avila

 

Hugs everyone 

 

That was a perfect prayer....  I am writing it in my notebook to be able to read on my bad days. Thank you.

[[ga...]]

I am so very, very lonely.  I live alone and have no husband or children.  My siblings and friends are sick of hearing about this benzo story and they don't believe it...so they have cut me off. 

 

Some days I wonder if the isolation is like solitary confinement and taking on a life of its own.  How do we break the isolation when we are having dp/dr and feel mentally ill due to no sleep?  Friends tell me I should come to church and be around others, but they don't understand the terror it causes.  The last time I went to church was January and all I could do was cry.  I desperately need to be around people, but can't. 

 

I'm sorry there are so many of us in this situation.  Perhaps we can console one another even if it's only in cyberspace. 

[[Ma...]]

I am so very, very lonely.  I live alone and have no husband or children.  My siblings and friends are sick of hearing about this benzo story and they don't believe it...so they have cut me off. 

 

Some days I wonder if the isolation is like solitary confinement and taking on a life of its own.  How do we break the isolation when we are having dp/dr and feel mentally ill due to no sleep?  Friends tell me I should come to church and be around others, but they don't understand the terror it causes.  The last time I went to church was January and all I could do was cry.  I desperately need to be around people, but can't. 

 

I'm sorry there are so many of us in this situation.  Perhaps we can console one another even if it's only in cyberspace.

[/quote

 

I am so so sorry, I can't imagine but I truly feel for u.  Would you like to play some of the games on here with us?  In the beginning I was afraid but over the 5 months I have started playing some and they can really take up time and make lots of cyber friend but we're here for you for anything we can help with.....

[[ga...]]

Thank you for the kind response and invitation, Mary.  Honestly, I'm not up for games, now, I'm sorry to say.  My thoughts are solely on fighting to trust God (I guess I'm not supposed to talk about that except on the Faith board).  I'm in torment unless I can do that.  Any other distraction seems so meaningless....does that make any sense? 

 

 

[[Ma...]]

Thank you for the kind response and invitation, Mary.  Honestly, I'm not up for games, now, I'm sorry to say.  My thoughts are solely on fighting to trust God (I guess I'm not supposed to talk about that except on the Faith board).  I'm in torment unless I can do that.  Any other distraction seems so meaningless....does that make any sense?

 

Of course it does, but maybe God is sending the games to u.  But I respect your decision, I just don't want you to be lonely 

[[tr...]]

Gardenlady: It's the same with me, I'm just talking with a single person. It's my ex, who comes once a week with food. Can´t talk to my beloved mother, my Everything. But, I probably would not be able to live with someone else. I feel, I have to be alone. Being sad and irritated, don´t want to do anything.

But, we have each other here at BB, so we're not alone. The very best friends you can imagine, everyone is absolutely amazing!

[[So...]]

Gardenlady: What a nice name. The kind of loneliness you are experiencing is heart wrenching, I am sorry you feel that way. Going through what we are going  through tapering and withdrawal put us at more risk to become depressed and develop social anxiety and the worst of all, feelings of isolation. I have been there, but I realized that I had to force myself to try to be as socially as possible that I can be, in spite of all the anxiety many situations caused me. According to many anxiety experts I learned that I had to confront it, not avoid it, tolerate uncertainty, and accept the inevitable which is the constant change that we are exposed day to day. We are part of the change, and we need to change.

 

Being mindful of this, as the believer that I am, I pray incessantly to not isolate myself. When I go to mass, I cry many times also; but I am not afraid anymore. God has revealed to me in so many ways and have experienced miracles of healing first hand. When I hurt my back last year during my taper, I was in pain for eight months; but I went to church as much as I could to offer my suffering and pray for healing.  Around September of last year, I was able to find an excellent PT that helped me so much, and I have been pain free since January (no more pills). I am back to exercising again, not a much as I used to; but I feel my prayers have been answered. All it takes is faith. Believe in yourself! Connecting with God has been one of the most sublime experiences I have in my life, and no matter how lonely I feel, I know I can find solace and comfort in my faith. Through intercession, God can put us the people we need in our lives, if we just keep seeking. I know I will heal in time, and so will you! The other thing that is helping me cope is 'music'. I am musically inclined and during my taper I decided to take piano lessons again. Many times I was so sick during a lesson dealing with benzo flu phase, back pain, depression, brain fog, no memory, fatigue, sleep depravation, anxiety but I pushed through. Eventually I have become friends with my instructor, and I am just so amazed that in spite of everything, I have progressed so much. I even play handbells at church now. I urge you to find a passion or distraction during this difficult time. I understand the 'games' may be a bit too much, but maybe you could give it a try.

 

Don't give up going to church. I know right now you feel that you can't; but maybe baby steps each day you may develop resiliency to manage your loneliness in a healthier way. I mentioned how pretty your name is. Do you do any gardening? I have a small patio, but this year I decided to fix it nicely with so many flowers and a birdhouse. It is bringing me so much joy just going out there everyday and meditate, do some Tai chi, read, get some sun, and drink a nice cup of tea. I have become even interested in bird watching since I have a forest right behind it full of all kinds of birds. Finding new interests is also key to beat loneliness/depression/anxiety. My point is that one can also find comfort not just being around people, but with nature and pets for example. Yesterday I made a point to start finding me a new kitten because I desperate need some companionship while my husband is away at work. Do you have one?

 

I know that my message may be more appropriate on the 'faith board', but loneliness is pretty much linked to faith in my opinion.

 

I would like to share something, hope you can find some inspiration:

 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4 6-7)

 

Hugs 

 

 

 

[[Ma...]]

Gardenlady: What a nice name. The kind of loneliness you are experiencing is heart wrenching, I am sorry you feel that way. Going through what we are going  through tapering and withdrawal put us at more risk to become depressed and develop social anxiety and the worst of all, feelings of isolation. I have been there, but I realized that I had to force myself to try to be as socially as possible that I can be, in spite of all the anxiety many situations caused me. According to many anxiety experts I learned that I had to confront it, not avoid it, tolerate uncertainty, and accept the inevitable which is the constant change that we are exposed day to day. We are part of the change, and we need to change.

 

Being mindful of this, as the believer that I am, I pray incessantly to not isolate myself. When I go to mass, I cry many times also; but I am not afraid anymore. God has revealed to me in so many ways and have experienced miracles of healing first hand. When I hurt my back last year during my taper, I was in pain for eight months; but I went to church as much as I could to offer my suffering and pray for healing.  Around September of last year, I was able to find an excellent PT that helped me so much, and I have been pain free since January (no more pills). I am back to exercising again, not a much as I used to; but I feel my prayers have been answered. All it takes is faith. Believe in yourself! Connecting with God has been one of the most sublime experiences I have in my life, and no matter how lonely I feel, I know I can find solace and comfort in my faith. Through intercession, God can put us the people we need in our lives, if we just keep seeking. I know I will heal in time, and so will you! The other thing that is helping me cope is 'music'. I am musically inclined and during my taper I decided to take piano lessons again. Many times I was so sick during a lesson dealing with benzo flu phase, back pain, depression, brain fog, no memory, fatigue, sleep depravation, anxiety but I pushed through. Eventually I have become friends with my instructor, and I am just so amazed that in spite of everything, I have progressed so much. I even play handbells at church now. I urge you to find a passion or distraction during this difficult time. I understand the 'games' may be a bit too much, but maybe you could give it a try.

 

Don't give up going to church. I know right now you feel that you can't; but maybe baby steps each day you may develop resiliency to manage your loneliness in a healthier way. I mentioned how pretty your name is. Do you do any gardening? I have a small patio, but this year I decided to fix it nicely with so many flowers and a birdhouse. It is bringing me so much joy just going out there everyday and meditate, do some Tai chi, read, get some sun, and drink a nice cup of tea. I have become even interested in bird watching since I have a forest right behind it full of all kinds of birds. Finding new interests is also key to beat loneliness/depression/anxiety. My point is that one can also find comfort not just being around people, but with nature and pets for example. Yesterday I made a point to start finding me a new kitten because I desperate need some companionship while my husband is away at work. Do you have one?

 

I know that my message may be more appropriate on the 'faith board', but loneliness is pretty much linked to faith in my opinion.

 

I would like to share something, hope you can find some inspiration:

 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4 6-7)

 

Hugs 

 

A beautiful post.......

[[ga...]]

Gardenlady: What a nice name. The kind of loneliness you are experiencing is heart wrenching, I am sorry you feel that way. Going through what we are going  through tapering and withdrawal put us at more risk to become depressed and develop social anxiety and the worst of all, feelings of isolation. I have been there, but I realized that I had to force myself to try to be as socially as possible that I can be, in spite of all the anxiety many situations caused me. According to many anxiety experts I learned that I had to confront it, not avoid it, tolerate uncertainty, and accept the inevitable which is the constant change that we are exposed day to day. We are part of the change, and we need to change.

 

Being mindful of this, as the believer that I am, I pray incessantly to not isolate myself. When I go to mass, I cry many times also; but I am not afraid anymore. God has revealed to me in so many ways and have experienced miracles of healing first hand. When I hurt my back last year during my taper, I was in pain for eight months; but I went to church as much as I could to offer my suffering and pray for healing.  Around September of last year, I was able to find an excellent PT that helped me so much, and I have been pain free since January (no more pills). I am back to exercising again, not a much as I used to; but I feel my prayers have been answered. All it takes is faith. Believe in yourself! Connecting with God has been one of the most sublime experiences I have in my life, and no matter how lonely I feel, I know I can find solace and comfort in my faith. Through intercession, God can put us the people we need in our lives, if we just keep seeking. I know I will heal in time, and so will you! The other thing that is helping me cope is 'music'. I am musically inclined and during my taper I decided to take piano lessons again. Many times I was so sick during a lesson dealing with benzo flu phase, back pain, depression, brain fog, no memory, fatigue, sleep depravation, anxiety but I pushed through. Eventually I have become friends with my instructor, and I am just so amazed that in spite of everything, I have progressed so much. I even play handbells at church now. I urge you to find a passion or distraction during this difficult time. I understand the 'games' may be a bit too much, but maybe you could give it a try.

 

Don't give up going to church. I know right now you feel that you can't; but maybe baby steps each day you may develop resiliency to manage your loneliness in a healthier way. I mentioned how pretty your name is. Do you do any gardening? I have a small patio, but this year I decided to fix it nicely with so many flowers and a birdhouse. It is bringing me so much joy just going out there everyday and meditate, do some Tai chi, read, get some sun, and drink a nice cup of tea. I have become even interested in bird watching since I have a forest right behind it full of all kinds of birds. Finding new interests is also key to beat loneliness/depression/anxiety. My point is that one can also find comfort not just being around people, but with nature and pets for example. Yesterday I made a point to start finding me a new kitten because I desperate need some companionship while my husband is away at work. Do you have one?

 

I know that my message may be more appropriate on the 'faith board', but loneliness is pretty much linked to faith in my opinion.

 

I would like to share something, hope you can find some inspiration:

 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4 6-7)

 

Hugs 

Solyluna, Thank you for your elegant post.  I'd give anything to have your optimism and grit.  I'm afraid I have a terrible case of anhedonia....the inability to experience pleasure of any sort.  Being outdoors, hearing the birds, seeing nature, even being in church with the beautiful music brings me no pleasure.  All I know is fear, depression and terror.  Today, the akathisia started up again and makes it impossible to be around others as I can't stop the leg shaking and hand-wringing and heavy breathing.  The last time I ventured out to be with a friend while in this state was awful....she looked at me in disgust and said, "You need to be committed!"  Meaning, committed to a psych hospital.  I realized then that I can't expect others to understand or even be decent when faced with behavior they can't grasp.

 

I do talk to the Lord, read my bible and recite verses over to myself when I can, but often times I have to just tell Him that I can't read the Bible or pray and to please help me.

 

I'm afraid that at this age, 65, I'm going to die before I'm healed.  I desperately need to be positive and hopeful. 

 

Thank you again for responding in such a kind way.

[[So...]]

Oh Gardenlady, think that God is embracing you and cast all your fear

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh Garden lady, think that God is embracing you and cast all of your fears in Him. Don't be afraid of death, healing will come. Our nervous systems go through a profound CNS dis-regulation and pray for healing incessantly. God is with you at all times, and whatever the future brings, always remember that you will be in His glorious presence. I know how difficult it is for you, but don't lose hope. I am sorry you had a bad experience with that person who told you that awful thing. I too have had some friends that think it would be better for me to reinstate; they don't have no clue what benzo withdrawal syndrome is, so let it go and let God in. Peace and Love!

 

Hugs