How many people HAVE to work while tapering

[[lk...]]

Hang on E...........ride it out!!! :laugh: I think we always want what we dont have....its either too hot then winter comes and its too cold.....its just never right LOL

 

Lisa

[[bo...]]

I'm here, just not posting because I haven't really done anything benzo wise.  Still holding but think I will cut this weekend.  My pDoc is not going to be much help.  He is new, so not sure he completely trusts me.  I asked him about a Valium crossover and he said that he doesn't like Valium, it is too addictive.  Huh.  I'm already addicted to something I think is worse.  Anyway, he wanted to give me klonopin but I said no for now, I'll see what I can do with what I have.  I am taking a small part of my dose of Ativan midday to see if it helps the interdose issues.  I still have to take the most at 10:30 precisely because my body starts screaming for it then, at least that's how it feels. 

He also gave me neurontin, but I don't think I'll take it.  Not sure how mush he knows about any of this.  His specialty is really anxiety, but the addiction doc at the practice won't accept more patients.  She probably doesn't know about Ashton either.  I wish I lived in the UK.

 

On a positive note, I handled the field audits well.  Walking around a lot with a group of people is probably easier than what faces me next week in the ofice where I'll be trapped.  The only bad time was when lunch came and they always want to sit in some restaurant which makes me nervous.

 

I guess my slight updose helped me, but I can never predict my symptoms fully.  Morning is tough and now I have muscle aches.  Anxiety, sleeplessness although ocassionally I can get a few hours. 

 

All still pretty scary to me given that less than two months ago I knoew nothing about any of this stuff and thought the worst I had to worry about was some illness out of my control.  Now it turns out I caused these problems myself.  Wish I could stop looking back with regret but even at my best I have always done that.

[[lk...]]

Hey Bobo....yeah....you need to stop living in the past and stop blaming yourself. You didnt' do it purposely so stop blaming yourself. Now its time to focus on getting off the crap.

 

I wonder if you are in tolerance since you are still feeling poorly. Is morning when everything is bad and does the rest of the day get better? You can find plenty of info on here about these stupid drugs. You might start to feel better when you taper if you are in tolerance. Hopefully so! Just cut small!!! Can't stress that enough!

 

Lisa

[[et...]]

Bobo I know how you feel you need to get rid of the rearview mirror. I took the Ashton Manual and my proposed taper schedule to my Doctor. He looked at me like I had 5 heads at the start. But, how could he argue the research? couldn't! He took the schedule which I have never followed and over the past 18 months he has really learned what I am going through. He admits the professional and knowledgeable approach at the beginning really helped him understand. He knew zip about the taper method. So he has helped me with 2 crossovers and numerous other blips in the road as he calls it. So maybe this approach would work for you to get over to Valium. The long half life makes Valium tapers smoother for a lot of people. I think it would be good for you so you could get to an amount of Valium to get stable and get the momentum going again.

L is right it is what it is accept and move on. I can help with V if you get there

etown

[[bo...]]

I don't know if it is tolerance or interdose or if those are the same things.  I feel pretty poorly in the morning, and by mornign I mean starting around 3:30 or 4 am.  I start tio feel a little better as the day goes along with ups and downs, but at some point (maybe around noon) I start to feel a little funky until I take my little does of .125.  THe thins is that I can feel that dose like ot has actual therapeutic value, it actually seems to relax me but the problem is it wears off pretty fast.

 

After I get home in the evening is usually when I feel best,and how well I feel after that depends on how my sleep is looking.  Sometimes I feel like fallikng asleep right at 5 when I get home, but I fight it until at least 8.  But sometimes I do that and still can't get to sleep.  And sometimes I can.  It is hit or miss on that.

 

I don't suspect I'll feel better cutting.  Maybe no worse.  We'll see.  I'll try to keep the cuts as small as I can.

[[et...]]

If you are in tolerance your dose usually does not do anything

etown

[[Wi...]]

It's been a bit since I last posted.  And while I worked throughout my taper, near the very end, I decided to leave my job.  I'm good with that decision, but it's now about 6 weeks since I quit and so I am doing the preliminary stuff to find a job.  I had an interview today with a large Telecom company.  It was a pretty good job, and one in my past life I would have pursued strongly.  However, once I realized the commute was going to be 1.5 hours each way I began to rethink it.  Additionally while some of the job requirements were what I have done for many years, there were many that were not.  With the idea of what the learning curve would be and the commute, I started to panic.  I called and cancelled the interview.

 

Additionally I got a call from a recruiter.  He turned out to be kind of a twit.  He told me about his life, where he lived, growing up with a name that can be confused with a woman's name and how he was bullied.  I didn't know this guy from Adam and he's telling me his life story.  I suppose I could have gotten past that, but then he went on to question me as to why I left my last position and seemed to berate me for leaving a job that as he put it "Geez, people with more skills than you would be HAPPY to have a job like that".  Again, I do not know this guy and he was a jerk.  However, the end result between the interview and this call left me feeling incompetent, with rolling intrusive thoughts and in fear of any possible future I could possibly have.

 

I know this is a stress response and in my good moments I believe I still have potential.  But sometimes this think they call life is a real pain in the ass lol.  And doing it in w/d can really suck rocks.

 

I just want to say that things have improved physically, significantly since I walked off.  The morning uglies, intrusive thoughts and inability to start new things/lack of motivation are in some ways handicapping me, but all in all it could be a whole lot worse. 

 

Thanks for letting me vent

 

WWWI

[[et...]]

WWWI wow I miss you. Good to see you post spech on this thread. Sorry for what has happened with the job thing but you know what? This damn world isn't ready for you yet. You know why? You're the toughest SOB in the whole valley. (from some movie in my head) I really believe there is some really special job for a really special person. If you can afford to wait it will come. Head hunters? oh yeah baby bring em' on! Don't be scared or get stressed just sit back, sip on a lemonade and wait for the opportunities to roll in. You know you got it right? Come on sister, review where you have been....be thankful you still have your skills. Don't let anyone or anything get you off your game. You're getting your edge back and how cool is that? You've taught me patience many times now DO IT YOURSELF LOL!

Your bud

etown

(thanks for coming back)

[[Wi...]]

WWWI wow I miss you. Good to see you post spech on this thread. Sorry for what has happened with the job thing but you know what? This damn world isn't ready for you yet. You know why? You're the toughest SOB in the whole valley. (from some movie in my head) I really believe there is some really special job for a really special person. If you can afford to wait it will come. Head hunters? oh yeah baby bring em' on! Don't be scared or get stressed just sit back, sip on a lemonade and wait for the opportunities to roll in. You know you got it right? Come on sister, review where you have been....be thankful you still have your skills. Don't let anyone or anything get you off your game. You're getting your edge back and how cool is that? You've taught me patience many times now DO IT YOURSELF LOL!

Your bud

etown

(thanks for coming back)

E -

 

If I haven't told you lately, you are one special guy!  You say the BEST things! 

 

Ah that patience thing again huh? And I know you know exactly just how easy that is lol.  But your words are, as always, very good ones and oh so wise.  Patience it is   I really adore you 

 

WWWI

[[et...]]

I bet you say that to all the boys!

I adore you too!

etown

[[Be...]]

I think one of the reasons I started taking benzos in my early life was that I feared becoming a twit. 

 

Never was a fan of twits. 

 

Love you all

 

Warning, humor involved!

[[Sa...]]

Hi everyone again-

It's been a month or so since I last posted, but was feeling down this a.m. So am reposting here.  Hoping for some good ideas and a kind word or two--even some wicked humor would help!  I'm probably going to go back to the Dr. & get my old Trazadone renewed.  Thanks, Sadie

 

I haven't posted to the forum in a while, but after waking up at 2:30 having slept for 3 hours, here I am at 6:00 needing to be at a meeting at 8:00, and a full day at work ahead of me. I want to cry. That won't help tho. I'm a teacher & back at teacher meeting week the last 3 days. Wed. was a 3 hour sleep day & I gave the excuse of a stomach problem to go home to take a nap. I haven't told anyone at work about my sleep problem cause I'll get a story (or worse: multiple stories) that only make me feel worse. Guess I need a desk like George Costanza had on Seinfeld! George didn't have little kids coming in the room every 40 min tho!!

 

As I laid there in bed thinking of how I'm going to survive this year, I think I'll try Zquil. And if it doesn't help, I'll have to take more of the klonopin I've worked so hard at cutting. From 100 ml. of .4 mg. to 35 ml. of .14 mg. since Febr. It feels like such a failure to have to go back to adding ml. back again. But i'm so fried right now I don't know how I'm going to make it through today. And I've only been back at work since Tuesday! That is beyond discouraging that I'm even thinking of taking more klonopin again. But I'm backed into the corner now.

 

I'm such a nervous, anxious person anyway, before klonopin, that I had some sleep problems. But nothing like this. Bedtime used to be something I looked forward to--back when I thought getting 6 hours was bad. Now with the 3 hours, I dread bedtime.

 

This summer I've tried EFT tapping, homeopathic remedies, Tylenol pm, to no avail. I won't go back on Trazadone or Ambien ever. The only thing that has helped is my husband who hasn't slept (literally) in the same bed during the work week, with me in 15 years. Now, I can't sleep without him! I don't always know how he'll react. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good. I can't say anything negative or critical during the day or he'll pull away & retreat and I'll be left high & dry without my bedtime/sleep support. Quite a fix I'm in.

 

Well, I guess I'll eat breakfast, get dressed and go to work. 

 

SadieMarlene

[[et...]]

Sadie its nice to have you back. One thing about this thread is everyone is equal and cared for in the same manner. I feel so bad you are having this rough patch. Lets talk Tarazodone. I have been taking 50mg (prescription is up to 150mg) to sleep for about 1 month. It does NOT work via the Gaba receptors so is a habit former (so is anything else you take to sleep) but not highly addictive like Benzos or Z drugs. I know that if we intend to work we HAVE to sleep. there is nothing worse for me than trying to work on a few hours sleep with ramped up symptoms.

Your options as I see them are. 1. Tarazodone 2. Hold at present does or taper slowly up to a dose you can stabilize on. 3. When I was on Serax (Oxazapam) for sleep (see sig) the addiction Benzo doc told me to get on to Valium because is was much "calmer for the brain". He said the fast acting Benzos like Klonpin are very erratic in nature to the brain. Sooooooo you could try a cross over to Valium and taper the rest of the way on V. The upside is the stability of V and the ability to taper slower or at least more precise, the downside is that it is less sedating so Tarazodone or something else may be needed to sleep. 4. Change the times you dose.

An increase in symptoms beyond the coping stage is a sign that something is wrong with your taper.

I will be interested to see what you think

etown

[[ga...]]

Sadie,

 

I feel your pain.  Been where you are and still fight it today.  Tried ambien, temazapan and Ativan.  Pretty much for the same issues you have with sleep and anxiety. I know the frustration you are experiencing trying to work feeling like you have no clue how you will get through the day.  All I can say is you will get through it.  It will be tough but you will survive.

 

As far as sleep and the medications go I can say that I feel better knowing I don't have benzos in my system.  This is true even if I toss and turn all night.  The quality of sleep you get while on these drugs is poor.  I find, even though I am tired that I am better off staying off the Ativan or ambien.  I support you trying to avoid going back on the klonopin. I think you will feel better just knowing you are staying the course in your taper.  I know how hard it is to put up with little or no sleep. 

 

Wishing you the best of luck.

[[Sa...]]

eTown and Garton-

 

Thank-you for your kind and encouraging words. It means a lot. I ate dark chocolate this a.m. and WOW my eyeballs are shaking! But I am awake, made it through the meetings and have planning done and am still going.

 

I also went to the Dr. & renewed my Trazodone. I was on it for 10 years and quit pretty easily compared to klonopin. But being roasted alive is about the same as quitting the K drug!

 

Bless your hearts and thanks so much!! 

 

I'll stay in better communication now that summer is over.

 

SADIE

[[ga...]]

Just remember, you can do it!

[[lk...]]

Hi gang!

 

Oh lord....the dreaded lack of sleep. Oh how I know it well

 

Sadie......have you become obsessed with the sleep issue like I did? It was so bad. I would think about it constantly. About how much I was getting...how much I wasn't ...the quality....what I could do or try....what I was going to feel like. It was awful!!! If you feel like that i will recommend a book....."The Effortless Sleep Solution" Its really a decent read. Its a lot of things we already know in our brain but forget and theres a lot of things in that book that make you feel like you are not alone. I actually liked it. I somehow turned off that worry about it and things did get a bit better.............not perfect....not at all but better. I have found now that Vit c and melatonin work well with me. Now melatonin did NOTHING before for me but now that I tried it again it does. Idk why but Im not gonna complain. I can usually get 3 hours then I wake up (3 hrs straight is hUGE for me) and can usually fall back to sleep for another 3 if Im lucky. It must be quality sleep cuz I feel decent. Now the last 4 nights have been bad again but Im not dwelling on it....Its hard tho. Hang in there. you will get through this.

 

E....you sound so good!! So exciting to here some oomph in ya!!!!

 

WWW>....good to see you!. You totally need to follow your gut on those jobs....Good deal!!! Its hard to do that sometimes. I can doubt that gut. No need for twits in our lives these days!!

 

Garton....i will never ever ever ever.....did I say ever??? take ambien again. Gawd! It might have worked in teh beginning but all those years I paid for that crap to sleep maybe 4 hours and feel like crap! Its so true. The sleep we get on it is awful and when we come off of it it really isn't as bad as we think. At least that was my experience. I also had the xanax still when I started the ambien.

 

Beau beau...whats going on?

 

Bobo.....do you take a dose in the morning? DO you notice relief with that one? I know you said you cant cut the ativan like I could the xanax so are you going to cross over or go down as far as you can then cross? Just curious!

 

I have to work again tomorrow so if I get a chance I will pop on tomorrow night. We are leaving for the beach till tuesday night so wont be online unless I use my phone and that gets difficult on here so all of ya have a great weekend if I don't talk to you tomorrow.

 

Lisa

[[Go...]]

Hi Gang

 

I am one week off and I got to work every day and had to go to lots of meetings and meet deliverables.  I did it.  Still struggling with symptoms as if I were still tapering but certainly no worse.  So I hope next week brings some improvements. 

 

Work really does provide a very good distraction and I think adds to self worth at this time.

 

Best of luck,

 

Golden

[[lk...]]

GOlden :clap: :clap: I am still so excited for you. Are you feeling pretty decent? I totally believe work helped me through all of this. I mean I know I had horrid days that I didn't want to work and had no way of knowing how I woule make it through the day but I did.....and here we are now!!! WOOHOOOO!!!!

 

Lisa

[[et...]]

Golden good to hear from you. Sorry you are still struggling but you will start to get better. I think based on what I've read you will have to be patient again. All that symptom fight on the way down can make things a little wonky when you get off. What we DO know is that YOU WILL HEAL!.

 

Lisa - I love the fact that you are supporting this thread and those who are on it. I respect you for hanging in there with us. We need you so badly as you continue to let your cheerful attitude filter through all of us.

etown

[[ma...]]

Hi all

 

Well, I had an interesting visit to the Occupational Health doc, to discuss my return to work.

He was pretty down on benzos as he had a lot of experience of patients messed up by then in the 1970s.

He also said that  his pretty much all his patients had been able to come off the drugs in time.

His opinion is that Lorazapam (Ativan) should never be prescribed except for premeds, as the withdrawals are so bad. In general he was very sympathetic about the problems of withdrawal and told me not to rush my taper, as 1mg was a pretty small dose.

He also informed my employer about that it was unfortunate that I had been put on these drugs but it should not hinder my work if I start back slowly.

All in all I came out feeling understood by a medical person for the first time, and better prepared to face the working world soon! It feels  really important that our experiences are validated.

I have been dreading returning to work with withdrawals  but am also hoping the distraction should keep me focused.

Lisa and golden you seem to cope with it, so I'm rooting for us all.

 

Thinking of you are all okay out there,

 

magga x

 

 

 

[[Be...]]

Hi magga   

 

You are right.  The focus needed at work will serve as a distraction from the withdrawals.  It will, eventually, help you to learn how to move on, away from this period in your life.

 

I had to work.  I spent a few weeks where I didn't always manage to make it in, or if I did, I had to come back home.

 

I found that the distraction of work allowed me to have time away from the withdrawals.  This free time was important.  It gave my mind a break from the constant turmoil that is withdrawals.

 

At some point, this free time began to feel like healing time.  It wasn't a simple transition though, it was hard. 

 

It's my belief that if I hadn't used work to assist in my recovery (that's one of the ways I used work), withdrawal would have been a completely different beast.

 

Nothing about this is easy.  Work is not easy.  But if you keep it as simple as possible, it will assist you in your recovery.

 

I remember thinking, in the earliest of days, that I had to be willing to do whatever I had to, to heal.  I didn't see how anything else could be worse than the way I felt anyway.  What did I have to lose?

 

When did I first see the healing?  When I learned, after a few months, that the way I felt in the morning, usually ill, had nothing to do with how I felt at the end of the day.  At the end of some days, I didn't always feel ill.

 

This simple understanding helped me get out the door many mornings when I felt utterly defeated.         

 

 

[[et...]]

Magga....see? It all worked out so far. all that worrying and fretting for no reason lol famous last words. Good to see you got some understanding.

 

Beau - inspiring words to say the least. I'm glad you decided to come on this thread and cheer us on. We all need it!

 

Work has been crazy busy, stressful and a downright pain in the butt this week but I must admit the week went by fast. Saturday here in Ontario and have to go in for a couple of hours so here we go again. This client is trying my patience which doesn't help.

etown

[[Be...]]

Thanks etown.

 

I'm finding, with more time, that I'm just talking.  I feel healthier.  I feel stronger, emotionally.  My posts don't always have a specific agenda, like cheering folks on, or supporting people.  I'm just talking.   

 

In real life, I have people coming to me, who know what I've been through.  I listen to them, hear what they have to say.  They're coming to me because they know my struggles, are having their own, and feel comfortable sharing their stuff with me.

 

I'm finding if I just talk with them, as equals, they respond with more positivity to their problems.  I don't have to respond to them with my experiences, just the wisdom from my experience. 

 

Changes just keep on coming.  I'm amazed at the amount of learning that I've got going.  I always thought I knew it all.  There wasn't much more to learn, so I was done.

 

What an illusion.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

 

I'm of the opinion, more and more, that I've got everything to learn.  Almost as if I knew nothing back when I thought I knew it all.

 

So I'm just talking today.  Realizing recently that I'm not done, and I have almost everything to learn.

 

I am rethinking almost everything.  My understanding is very different off benzos, than on them.  It's different learning, comes more slowly, deeper, more complete.  Has a different feeling to it.

 

Most of my experiences are probably different from others, as I spent most of my adult life on these horrid meds.    :'(

 

 

I had a fast week too, etown.  I remember thinking last Monday morning that I didn't see anyway I would make it to the weekend.  I felt overwhelmed.  That was another illusion, cause the week flew by.

 

 

   

[[ga...]]

Hi Lisa,

 

Sounds like you have dealt with the same sleep issues I have for years.  I still struggle as you do but it is much better than in the past  when using Ativan, ambien and restoril.  I appreciate the way you are dealing with your sleep issues.  We know it will not be perfect every night but accept it for what it is.  We appreciate the good nights and the feeling of having adequate rest the following day.  We despise the nights of little or no sleep.  #*$&& happens.  Just the way it is some nights but we get through it and find a way to function the following day.

 

Continued good luck in the recovery.