How many people HAVE to work while tapering

[[lk...]]

Oh the joys of benzos :idiot I had the stomach issues too. They came and went and I could never figure out a pattern.....Gas x was my friend....lol

 

Lisa

[[Wi...]]

OK all of you working people, I need your input.  As I mentioned the other day, I quit a contract a few weeks ago. I got a call about 3 days ago from a headhunter with a job.  This is for a company I have worked for before.  In fact it's the company I left when I got sick.  I was in severe interdose w/d and was unknowingly suffering from undiagnosed Graves' at the time.  This was at the end of 2010.  And while I gave sufficient notice and the work I did for them was good, when I left I left them in a lurch and as a result there were bad feelings.

 

This agency that called had this new position, because it's the place companies go with job requests  after they haven't been filled in a while because no one wants the job or no one has the skill set or for some reason it's just difficult to fill.  In this case, it's for a computer programmer in a language that is outdated and no one really learns anymore.  It is, however a language I am very familiar with and have worked in for many, many years.

 

It is possible that when the agency goes to the company and offers my services, they will simply say "no way, we don't want her" and then it will be over.  However, because they do have a real need, they've not been able to fill the position and I have those skills, they may give me a shot.

 

I am in a bit of limbo right now not knowing.  But even more, if it does work out, I have no idea if I can do this.  I suffer from panic every morning thanks to cortisol, I have intense brain fog.  At the job I just left, it became clear to me that I'm not at the top of my game or even close.  I have a real problem with fatigue and muscle spasms.  And I probably don't need to mention to anyone here, that stress is NOT my friend lol.

 

This job will be working with a LOT of people, and I'll be responsible for a LOT of projects with LOTS of people.  I'm scared I will make too many mistakes, that I won't be able to handle the stress, that I will fail. I'm scared and don't know whether, if offered I should even take it.

 

Again, they may call in the next few days and tell me they aren't interested at all anyway so it might be a non issue.  But they might not.

 

Anyone? Thoughts? Input?  Ideas?

 

Thank you!

 

WWWI

[[In...]]

WWWI,

 

I think the first consideration is whether or not you need to work right now. If you don't, well the matter is settled.

 

But if you do, then this possibility is a real consideration. You do have that one thing going for you in that you know the computer language that is not familiar to others or being used much anymore. And apparently, this has become a sticking point for this company as the position has remained unfilled. So in that sense, it's a good match for you.

 

The other thing I'm wondering is if you had perhaps planned on getting a less intense, less demanding, or less stressful job in place of the one you just left.

 

I understand how these benzo related concerns are upsetting to contemplate dealing with in the workplace as I worry about them myself a lot. But I think if they call and offer you the position, you should consider it as those benzo problems will most likely begin to resolve within the next several weeks, and you will still be "keeping yourself in the game."

 

Additionally, when one steps into any new position, there is that "learning curve" that any employer expects a new employee to have. And although you have worked for them before, it's still expected. I just think that your "special" knowledge of this computer language does give you a good opportunity that you should consider taking it if offered. And having that knowledge, and going back to work quickly, you may easily find your way to adjusting to these other stressors of lots of people and projects. In other words, you may find that you will "rise to the occasion."

 

And if it's simply too much for you at this time, you can resign after giving it a go. I think it's worth a try if they offer. And I just want to add that I feel I am one of the crummiest interviewees that ever walked this earth. Ive had my job for a long time, but it took me awhile to get the hang of it, and when I was interviewed, it had to be one of the less "fascinating" interviews that they had to go on. But I got it on my experience, knowledge and education, and not on my personality.

 

Intend

[[bo...]]

I wish I could give you some advice.  I have no idea what it is like to actually workl after "jumping."  I'm having  hard time myself just having cut a bit.  Just offering my support.

[[Wi...]]

bobo I really appreciate the support thank you.

 

Intend - Those are indeed wise words.  I do not have to work immediately but I do have to work within a few months.  And while I hope that things calm down physically, to be honest, I've had this cortisol thing a long time.  I think part of it was as a result of taking Ativan only at night for so many years and as a result I don't see it leaving anytime soon but I could be wrong and I'd be thrilled to be wrong.

 

One of the challenges of finding "less stressful" work is that I have this fear I'll end up somewhere with as much stress, since fundamentally all jobs are stressful or else they wouldn't call it "work" lol.  But the only real difference is I'll get paid less and still be dealing with work challenge.  But if this becomes a non-issue, that's still probably something I will seek, or at maybe something less than full time.  Not sure yet.

 

Part of me hopes they call and tell me they aren't interested to simplify this whole thing and part of me is scared of the very same thing lol.  I think what you are saying makes a lot of sense.  There will be time to get adjusted as you suggested, it is a skill I am very familiar with, it's not far from my home.  On the other hand if they had bad feelings about my leaving, that might not make this a "friendly" environment or perhaps it won't be a big deal.

 

Part of me doesn't want to anticipate that they will offer this, in case they don't because despite my ambivalent feelings, I know because there are parts to this that I really do want, I know I will experience disappointment and rejection as a result.  Have I mentioned that my emotions in general are very strong and they swing wildly? This is NOT helpful lol.

 

But again there is truth in your words.  I already left this company once with pretty much no chance of being able to return.  So worst case scenario, they offer it, I  take it, I fail and resign and I pretty much end up back where I started right? lol

 

Thank you for walking with me through this, it is really helpful. 

 

I just wanted to add that the primary reasons I left the most recent position is that I actually took it 2+ years ago because it was part time and their expectation of me was not high.  I could make a living and the stress was lower.  However as time progressed it went from 30 hours a week to 50+ and the responsibilities increased.  I might have been able to handle that but I ended up having to work directly with the owner of the company and his treatment of me, I felt,  was unreasonable.  He treated me as if I were the same as I started there and yet his expectations of me were significant.  I believe that's how he treats all of his employees but until the last 6 months I hadn't had direct contact with him.  And it was not going to change any time soon.  So considering I was ending the taper, dealing with the graves' meds and a few other things, since I probably would have quit there sooner rather than later, I decided this was as good a time as any.  And yes, one of my expectations was to find a different job that I could do, not stress horribly and after so many years of tapering and being sick, I could actually have some semblance of a quality of life.

 

WWWI 

[[In...]]

WWWI,

 

You're very welcome. I've intermittently had the cortisol thing going on, and for all I know, it may or may not become an issue as I go further. Heaven knows I hope not as I've had a total meltdown at work before due to that. It was just handled very efficiently by co-workers who already knew I was having problems.

 

I agree that very few jobs are stress free as I purposely watch what others go through not only at my job (which is so intense that I can not adequately put into words), but at all the stores my husband thinks he must go to. And many of them are just loaded with demanding customers (like Home Depot for example) while others are more laid back.

 

Part time in a low key job like Petco (only an example as those folks always seem pretty relaxed when I go there) might be an option if your budget can afford it and until you "get up to speed."

 

And one more idea is the tech section of places like Best Buy and Office Depot or Office Max. I'll bet you could run circles around anyone there, and they also have plenty of low key moments.

 

Just suggestions to help give you time to recover while not "getting out of practice" so to speak. I know this stuff is below your pay grade and skill set, but it can just keep you going financially and physically and mentally until you're back up to speed which I know you're going to be.

 

Intend

[[et...]]

We have talked about this before WWWI (like everything else). My take is similar to Intend's first post.  Remember how much we are alike? You wouldn't be happy unless you could move and shake to some degree. This job intrigues you because it reminds you of the day when you had the "edge" etc. I know the feeling where I am now they have all these ideas of where I should go next. I'm the go to guy and although I love this pressure it consumes me at times. BUT I STILL ANSWER THE DAMN BELL WHEN THEY CALL!. You also know you can do this better than anyone else with your eyes closed. Trully the fear of failure is recovery. When you were at your best you could and would say yes to this opportunity and do it in your sleep. It's the fear of the unknown which is another symptom of recovery. If I'm right I say take it and fake it. If you get up to speed faster than you thought you'll run the damn division, if not, bug out and do what you've done all along....HEAL MORE!. You are a special and talented person and many companies need what you have so if its not them it will be someone else headhunting my super friend. Heck I'd take you on my team any time.

etown

[[Wi...]]

Intend - Thank you again for your support and for your ideas!  I'm sorry for the immense intensity that your job requires.  That's got to be incredibly challenging with what you are going through.  But at least it sounds like you have some allies where you are and that's priceless.

 

etown - my twin you are right on the mark.  What you explained in your experience really does mirror mine and yes it's a generalized fear that I'm experiencing.  Given the time to figure out what they need I feel strongly that I can produce what they seek and I, too love being the "go to guy" lol.  I really would like to take this one and am excited at the prospect, scared but excited.  And as far as running the division, I'd have to take a pass, if I know one thing about me is I suck at management of people since I'm not fond of too many of em' (cept you of course lol) And I'd work with you ANYTIME! Wouldn't ya know it, now I'm scared they WON'T call lol.  oy yoy yoy lol.  This w/d thing sucks rocks SO much lol. Thanks for your words my friend

 

WWWI

[[Co...]]

Hi I am so glad to see this post. I am 11 months off benzo's and still dealing with Sx's. I have worked full time doing technology requirements and have really struggled. This thread has such great advice  that I am still reading through. I made the mistake of telling the wrong people at work so I really appreciate this thread.

[[In...]]

Colorado,

 

I suppose that overall, it is important to generally "keep your mouth shut." It's really your own business, and no matter how anyone sees this, it's truly a medical issue.

 

I work as a counselor myself in a facility that actually has the staff getting very upset from time to time due to the type of clientele, and the issues involved, and the unpredictable nature and speed at which this can all take place, so I have discovered and discussed with others how this type of environment does lend itself to occasional staff upsets also.

 

And those upsets are well tolerated by the Admin and supervisory folks as they do understand very well the "nature of the business."

 

But I do not advertise that I am tapering at all, even though it is with the aid of a doctor. I have been fortunate in that I have had a coterie of co-workers who truly do abide by the ethical requirements of my profession, but discussions of my situation are rarely if ever discussed as I do not want them to be so I just "shut up" and open that door but extremely rarely.

 

It is hard, though, to deal with withdrawl and the many sx that come with it, and I will say, in technical and demanding situations. I wish us all the best of circumstances and luck if there is such a thing.

 

Intend

[[et...]]

Colorado wish you had found us sooner. welcome to this thread. You are right we are an interesting group with a different perspective than some others. Working gives us that perspective. We have different challenges. I amso sorry you still have symptoms after being off this long. YOU WILL HEAL! I know you have been told that a million times but I wanted to tell you personally. I am getting amped up for a whole new round of tapering after a huge glitch so be ready to tellme soon. I am trying to keep positive but you know the drill its hard when you are so alone with all this mess.

Please stick around we need your opinion too

etown

[[Co...]]

Thanks etown and intend. My Sx's have been getting a little better. I had a short duration of a week going c/t which I suspect has contributed to my sx being protracted. It is great to find this group of members who have found a way to hold on to your jobs. So much of what I had researched were folks that just could not deal with working. I appreciate this thread as I can freely talk about feeling insecure, dealing with people and problems. I have also had some success along with other members using ginkgo to help me at work. Some other bb members who are currently tapering are having success. You mentioned you were preparing for another bad wave in your taper. You might be interested in that ginkgo thread.

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=81617.0

 

Thank you for the welcome !

[[et...]]

Happy Friday workers! and wanna be workers, and anyone interested in workers or working.

etown

[[bo...]]

TGIF.  It was a tough week.  Next week my asudits start - I hope I can hack it.  I still have lots of sxs.  Oh well.  I really hope I didn't screw myself over with the way I got started on this.  I wasn't really sure of an exact dose for so long - somewhere between .5 and 2.  THen when I went to .5 solid forr a few months (before I even know I was going to try to taper) it seemed okay.  But then my doc told me to drop that  fo.25 and I got slammed - five weeks of heavy sxs.  I just hope I didn't screw myself up irreperably with the way I started.  All I read is no rapid tapers, no updose, no this no that.  If only I knew beforehand.  Oh well, enjoy the weekend, m sounding like a broken record.

 

Colorado PAWS- how were your sxs during taper?  Did you only get hit after jumping?  Welcome BTW.

 

 

 

Hope Lisa nad WWWI are doing okay.

[[bo...]]

Edit to above - that's somewhere between .5 and 1 mg.  I never took over 1 mg, maybe once.

[[lk...]]

Hi gang!!!

 

My weekend doesn't start till after 4 tomorrow so no  partying without me

 

Welcome Colorodo!!!! Glad you are here. I have been very careful who has known about all this. People are extremely judgemental soooooooo with that said......lol You live and learn ya know. You are a better person for trying to be honest. Kudos to you!

 

Bobo....you are gonna be fine. You are really worried about jumping arent you??? Lemme tell you. It has been like one of my easy cuts. I swear!!!!!!!!!!!! Your body gets use to it as you go down and you will see how that works when you do it in the small cuts like you are suppose to. You are only going by your bad sx from this last go round.

 

E...how are you feeling? Anxiety better on the new taper starting?

 

Intend....How was work this week? I hope a little less sx for your sake.

 

Well all.....off to read and hopefully sleep. Work in the AM

 

Lisa

[[In...]]

Lisa,

 

My work weekend starts tomorrow at 7:00 am. I'll be up by 5:00 am, so I'm also getting ready to head to bed also.

 

Intend

[[et...]]

Lisa no new taper until after the long weekend in August, 5th I think. I am really scared thinking about the taper. I want it to work so bad but I'm just scared. I'm even having issues holding since June 29 at 12mg V. I was told to hold to make sure the X over from Serax (Oxazapam) to Valium was stable. Not sure if the current sx has anything to do with that but might. who freak'in knows.

etown

[[Co...]]

Hi Bobo - my sx were very bad during taper. I was in what I now understand was in tolerance withdrawal for years. After c/t I reinstated and tapered way to fast. I was very sick through the taper but thought i would be better once off. I was shocked that I was still so sick months later. The good news Bobo is most bb members get better after a proper taper. I think the protracted Sx's in my case resulted from being in tolerance withdrawal for 2 years, c/t, and expedited taper.

[[lk...]]

Morning.....quick note before I go to work.

 

Intend.....ugh...hang in there for your work weekend. Hope it goes well and doesn't drain the life out of ya!

 

E......I know your scared.. I have been there between cuts to the point that I am terrified to go on and get stuck in that thinking that this is how its gonna be forever. In my experience this has never held true. I held one cut  for a month and honestly when I cut it was nothing. I actually started feeling better. I guess I was kinda in a form of tolerance. Who knows. Just try to tell yourself that it just might not be as bad as you are thinking it will be. Hang in there!

 

Hope you all have a great weekend.

 

Lisa

[[bo...]]

Thanks Lisa.  You nailed me - I am fearful about jumping at some point.  But I am also fearful I have screwed up the beginning of this because I really didn't get off to the right start.  I always took as directed so for most of the time that was .5 or 1 as needed.  Which means I'm not really sure what that would be - overage it was less than .6 but it wasn't the same every day.  Then for a cojule months I took it at .5 (although I may have taken .75 or so occasionally).  And then I got cut to .25, Finally I upped it to  around .3125 (so hard to be precise with cuts) where I am today. Still sxs although I'd say a little better. So I was all over the map (obviously before I was even thinking about quitting and found this place).  Plus I'm still not sure what my pDoc exactly has in mind.  So that's all part of my apprehension.  He wants me to go back to the .5 because that's the place I was reasonably stable.  But I don't know.  But I do know I need aplan and to get started.

[[bo...]]

I could go on the main forums but I figure I would ask here.  Once you got below one pill and started cutting it into quarters and eights and even more, how accurate does everybody think their cuts were?  Because with my Ativan even using my pill cutter to halve it I always end up with one piece slightly bigger and one smaller. I can't waste it so I just settle for the best I can do. What did everyone do?  Do you think it matters a lot if the pieces aren't exactly precise?  Or should I buy a scale or go for the titration?  Man, a few short weeks ago I wouldn't have imagined asking these types of questions.

 

My pDoc can't believe anybody can accurately cut an Ativan into eighths.  If it was just me, I would say he is right because I have a heck of a time getting even quarters or even halves.

[[et...]]

bobo - this is why i crossed over to valium they come in 10,5,2,mg tabs in Canada and liquid so it gives you way more options.

etown

[[bo...]]

I sure hope my doctor will at least let me try that if it comes down to that.  Docs seem more cooperative in this taper stuff outside of the US.

[[lk...]]

Bobo....fear can really get ahold of you in this taper stuff. I think you need to stop worrying about what you have already done. Its done right? You cannot change it. I don't think its going to have a lasting effect on you as you were an all over the map user to begin with. I say if you are starting to feel better at this dose then stay there until you are feeling pretty decent. Hopefully you will see that happen and if not you are prolly in tolerance which means you just cut and hope it will be better after. That happens.

 

On the cutting.........I was on xanax and it was much easier to cut then yours I believe. It was scored in the middle so that broke in half easily with no issue. Then i used the pill cutter to cut the half. It would sometimes be perfect and sometimes have one side bigger. My idea on that was that I would use the bigger halves at the beginning of that cut then the smaller at the end. It worked. Idk if its the best way but it worked lol Then I had to use a knife to cut those. I would say cut down to where you can then decide from there. You aren't stuck with one way in this. That is the beauty of it. You have a ton of info on here with people doing it differently. Thats a plus for sure. So with all that said....My cuts at the end were close but not exact.

 

Lisa