Under the Rug (Trigger Warning)

[[no...]]

haha tatertot!! 

 

that was a good one!

 

[[Ta...]]

What did one butt cheek say to other?

Together we can stop this shit!

 

Well, im not sure my bootie looks that much better than the doctors especially with all this laying around in bed recovering. At least my bootie is pimple-free but it’s not dimple-Free!

 

Gosh, it was so nice to go to Seattle. The weather was lovely and we walked a ton. All over the city. I’m really impressed that I could walk so much. We stayed at a nice hotel near Pike Place Farmers Market and did all the touristy stuff and my honey took lots of nice pictures. He’s a budding photographer, but it’s funny because we pack in a big backpack to go traveling and I have my travel wardrobe down to a uniform so I pack light. Ralph Lauren collared Polo shirts, jeans and Nike Air Force sneakers. I look like a college boy. So in all the pictures, I look the same, like “does this girl ever change her clothes?” It’s been a hard change for me because I used to pack the kitchen sink and I loved fashion! I was voted “best dresser” in high school and I always got so much enjoyment over putting together outfits. But since going through this health debacle over the last five years, my focus has been only on my health. I’ve gained weight so none of old clothes fit so I donated them. Now I have t-shirts and jeans that I have bought online. I’m glad to be a simpler person but I do miss the glam. Oh well, maybe one day I’ll feel up to shopping again and putting my creativity to use that way.

 

Did you know Seattle has an underground part of the city? It’s abandoned but it was built after the great fire of 1889 when they had to rebuild the city. And the city was rebuilt with funds provided by the biggest business person in town: the madam of the brothels! Her name was Lou Graham and she was one bad-ass lady! I wish Hollywood would make a movie about this woman. She really ran the show. I would think all the top actresses would vie for that role.

 

Anyway, I felt pretty tired after the trip and kept a low profile here. But glad to be back and hope you amazing ladies are keeping your chins up and are making progress in your healing journey.

 

 

[[be...]]

nomore...set an extra place at that dinner table for me will ya?  Dang grrl.  You're one helluva cook.  Hugs and more hugs.

 

It never ceases to amaze me, the people here.  How ready you all are to reach out with love to a wounded BB.  THAT'S the BB I fell in love with early on and has kept me going through the darkest of a dark night, what I've tried to give back to others in need too.  You're right.  Don't let a few rotten apples spoil the pie.  But you know how it goes...when you're vulnerable and already in pain, certain things just hit you the wrong way at the wrong time. Things feel exaggerated.  But yeah, you're right...I'm not going to let a rotten few get me down.  So there.  Once again, I thank my middle finger for sticking up for me!!!  Full speed ahead!!!

 

begood...I don't know you very well personally but thank you for your kind words.  I mean, I'm literally sitting here with tears running, good ones, that someone who hardly knows me would take the time to write that post.  Your posts have been an inspiration for me.  And I hope I kept you a little entertained on this thread with all my foolishness.    This rambling patch quilt of a thread.  Thank you for reaching out.  You guys, all of you, are so special.

 

And east...yeah, old wounds.  But I have to admit, I'm getting scared of posting anything positive to anyone lately on the forum at large.  Things have gotten...weird.  People just flat out attacking others like a pack of rabid dogs.  People being attacked for trying to stay positive and keep hope alive for others. 

 

I haven't slept for a couple of nights.  So I've had a few days where it's like...ok, made it from the bed to the couch.  There's no stopping me now!!!  Oh what a roller coaster ride this benzo business is.  I guess one good night's sleep (which for us means anything over two hours  ) will hopefully get the brain  back on track.

 

Love you guys!!!

[[We...]]

It could be worse....our butts could be hairy!

 

Tater....sounds like a great trip.  Had to laugh at myself because where I live 'up country' means the deep woods of Maine and Canada.  And lots of moose.  So you went to the 'bright lights and big city' of Seattle!  That's a beautiful city.  Definitely on my bucket list.  But lately I'm sticking to the fucket list.  Which is pretty long at the moment.

 

It must feel great to be able to do something like that now, and enjoy it!  Handling all the walking, lots of stimulating stuff, hopefully lots of good food.  Love the 'uniform'.  I'm with you on that one.  Lately it's sweatpants and white cotton undies.  When I want to be really stylin' I change from the gray sweatpants to the black.  Looks a little dressier    Woo hoo!  Haven't found the earrings yet to go with it.

 

Tater - when you're healed up, maybe you can do us all a makeover!!!  Like those TV shows What Not To Wear!!!

 

begood - thanks for the  and back at you.  Hope today finds you doing well.  We're all still here, so I guess that's a good start.

 

nomore...you are an amazing and beautiful force of nature for sure.  It is so critical in our recovery to avoid those who mean to bring us down.  Nay, those who intentionally drain, disempower, hurt and abuse us....especially while we are in recovery.  It's a sad world where being generous, kind and tolerant can make a person a target.  And we've been through ENOUGH.

 

Meant to ask you - how's the switch-a-rooni thing going?  Did you even have to do it?  And TELL!!! DISH!!!  What are you working on for art!!!  LOVE IT!!!  Have you guys noticed there seems to be a really high percentage of artists on the forum???  I've been trying to hoe out my art supplies and get organized.  Given the amount of art supplies I have, I will need to live to be at least 387 years old.  Guess that would also be enough years for my brain synapses to heal too.  I will try to remember this the next time my car steers itself toward Michael's.

 

Happy to report calm and peace return, the true seed of my healing.  Even more than before.  Slept like the proverbial log and woke up actually feeling refreshed.  Funny how challenges can bear a lot of gifts.  I feel so much stronger.  Perhaps I dare say wiser, but that's just an ugly rumor.  And a lot more capable of protecting myself.  The Welch will not be squelched!!! 

 

Final - hope that recent upswing is still gifting you, even a little.  A good preview of all the healing going on underground and behind the scenes in our bodies.  Really glad to hear you're still keeping up with those walks.  I tend to cling to certain things...for dear life...in various stages of recovery.  Early on I was fixated on eating well.  Which went a long way.  Now it's my walks.  I was determined to go for it yesterday, despite the ugly curve ball.  I don't know...these things help me feel more empowered somehow.  Able to actually DO something concrete that contributes to the overall healing.  I've read in a lot of places that walking is one of the best things to boost serotonin and dopamine.  Count me IN!!!

 

HUGS to all...

 

 

 

 

[[Ta...]]

Oh my gosh, Welchie, you have me squealing with laughter at your responses!

I so wish I could be up in the woods with you walking and dodging the moose 

My family had this beautiful summer house on the shores of Lake Huron in the "thumb" of Michigan and I would walk through those woods and along the shore all summer long. It was heaven walking through those woods and having the twinkling sunlight filter through the branches and light up the path. When I need to calm myself down, that is the place I think of, and it (usually) works!

Its been years since I have visited New Hampshire and Maine, but those places are truly transcendent with nature. You are indeed in a very special place!

I hope the beautiful nature embraces you and helps those neurons heal even faster!

 

I was just going to add, as far as clothes go, that many times I would consider a "good day" a day where I changed my underwear! Bonus for brushing my teeth. Just grateful to have strung together some of those "good days!"

Cant wear sweatpants yet because its still in the 90's...jeebus. Just sitting sweating in my undies here... a lovely sight!

 

And I just love your saying about the "fucket" list. Absolutely classic. What new things can we add to the fucket list today?

 

[[Fi...]]

It could be worse....our butts could be hairy!

 

Tater....sounds like a great trip.  Had to laugh at myself because where I live 'up country' means the deep woods of Maine and Canada.  And lots of moose.  So you went to the 'bright lights and big city' of Seattle!  That's a beautiful city.  Definitely on my bucket list.  But lately I'm sticking to the fucket list.  Which is pretty long at the moment.

 

It must feel great to be able to do something like that now, and enjoy it!  Handling all the walking, lots of stimulating stuff, hopefully lots of good food.  Love the 'uniform'.  I'm with you on that one.  Lately it's sweatpants and white cotton undies.  When I want to be really stylin' I change from the gray sweatpants to the black.  Looks a little dressier    Woo hoo!  Haven't found the earrings yet to go with it.

 

Tater - when you're healed up, maybe you can do us all a makeover!!!  Like those TV shows What Not To Wear!!!

 

begood - thanks for the  and back at you.  Hope today finds you doing well.  We're all still here, so I guess that's a good start.

 

nomore...you are an amazing and beautiful force of nature for sure.  It is so critical in our recovery to avoid those who mean to bring us down.  Nay, those who intentionally drain, disempower, hurt and abuse us....especially while we are in recovery.  It's a sad world where being generous, kind and tolerant can make a person a target.  And we've been through ENOUGH.

 

Meant to ask you - how's the switch-a-rooni thing going?  Did you even have to do it?  And TELL!!! DISH!!!  What are you working on for art!!!  LOVE IT!!!  Have you guys noticed there seems to be a really high percentage of artists on the forum???  I've been trying to hoe out my art supplies and get organized.  Given the amount of art supplies I have, I will need to live to be at least 387 years old.  Guess that would also be enough years for my brain synapses to heal too.  I will try to remember this the next time my car steers itself toward Michael's.

 

Happy to report calm and peace return, the true seed of my healing.  Even more than before.  Slept like the proverbial log and woke up actually feeling refreshed.  Funny how challenges can bear a lot of gifts.  I feel so much stronger.  Perhaps I dare say wiser, but that's just an ugly rumor.  And a lot more capable of protecting myself.  The Welch will not be squelched!!! 

 

Final - hope that recent upswing is still gifting you, even a little.  A good preview of all the healing going on underground and behind the scenes in our bodies.  Really glad to hear you're still keeping up with those walks.  I tend to cling to certain things...for dear life...in various stages of recovery.  Early on I was fixated on eating well.  Which went a long way.  Now it's my walks.  I was determined to go for it yesterday, despite the ugly curve ball.  I don't know...these things help me feel more empowered somehow.  Able to actually DO something concrete that contributes to the overall healing.  I've read in a lot of places that walking is one of the best things to boost serotonin and dopamine.  Count me IN!!!

 

HUGS to all...

 

 

 

So glad to hear that peace and calm are returning. And that you slept.  All good things for me to hear. 

 

My upswing swung down but today I'm more in the blah but okay state with a twinge of sadness. Want to be in life more and I'm biting at the bit.  Will walk in a little while and continue to eat well.  Going to work with a patient tonight so that will engage me. 

 

After this experience, I don't think anyone will ever push me around either. 

 

We used to vacation in Ellsworth, Maine and hike in Acadia.  Loved it there. 

 

Wishing everyone the best day possible while healing.  🦋

[[We...]]

Thanks Final      Sorry to hear the up went down.  But glad to hear the ok part even through the blah and sadness.  So true how these drugs can just weigh us DOWN.  Like mentally and emotionally walking through quicksand.  Forgot to check your sig...but last I remember you're holding?  Is that working out ok for you?  You're getting close to being under .5, right?  We'll have to do some and big time woot woot when you get there!  Actually, we all need the woot and right now just for getting through another day.  How's your sleep been?

 

Yeah, funny the blessings of things.  This is ultimately making us stronger in a lot of ways...like being able to spot and ditch bullies....and telling them where the bear shits.  Everyone from ignorant docs to...well...skies the limit on that one.

 

Acadia...beautiful.  Glad you enjoyed it.  There's a lot of beauty in this corner of the U.S.  Not as spectacular as Yosemite or Glacier Park in Montana etc.  But it's good.  Don't think I'd survive Texas - no offense to Texans.  I need the green!

 

Nice you're up for working with a patient.  Hope hubs is doing ok too.  I know he's not a 100% right now either.  Hugs to both of you!

[[Fi...]]

Thanks Final      Sorry to hear the up went down.  But glad to hear the ok part even through the blah and sadness.  So true how these drugs can just weigh us DOWN.  Like mentally and emotionally walking through quicksand.  Forgot to check your sig...but last I remember you're holding?  Is that working out ok for you?  You're getting close to being under .5, right?  We'll have to do some and big time woot woot when you get there!  Actually, we all need the woot and right now just for getting through another day.  How's your sleep been?

 

Yeah, funny the blessings of things.  This is ultimately making us stronger in a lot of ways...like being able to spot and ditch bullies....and telling them where the bear shits.  Everyone from ignorant docs to...well...skies the limit on that one.

 

Acadia...beautiful.  Glad you enjoyed it.  There's a lot of beauty in this corner of the U.S.  Not as spectacular as Yosemite or Glacier Park in Montana etc.  But it's good.  Don't think I'd survive Texas - no offense to Texans.  I need the green!

 

Nice you're up for working with a patient.  Hope hubs is doing ok too.  I know he's not a 100% right now either.  Hugs to both of you!

 

I'm still tapering but havent put my recent cut yet.  I tried a cut and hold but will probably go back to small cuts again. I cant wait yo get under .5, it will mean a lot to me on so many levels. 

 

 

[[no...]]

so many good people and good comments right now...i'm so glad this thread is here, that Welchie ain't squelchie'd, that tatertot has the class to wear Ralph Lauren with jeans n sneakers, that begood is spreading the good vibes, that Final is healing through feeling less than stellar, that i get to be part of this positive and suportive group of people on Welchie's thread. yall show me that women can actually lift each other up without expecting anything in return. warms the heart. gives courage.

 

ps

sorry if i left anybody out i'm kinda tinny today (tinnitus-ey?) so good to read everyone is doing pretty darn good all things considered. love to see some moose (meese?) lol one day in real life, and Seattle is a dream to live there or portland maybe. what a cool history of the underground madame and stuff! yeah a movie for sure i bet that madame had some stories, wonder who has her photos and memoirs? heehee

 

 

[[no...]]

I'm still tapering but havent put my recent cut yet.  I tried a cut and hold but will probably go back to small cuts again. I cant wait yo get under .5, it will mean a lot to me on so many levels.

 

you've come a long way this year on your taper Final. especially once you got down to those lower doses...so much harder to deal w/ramped sxs down there. you're one of the people that shows the struggle is real, but you keep going anyways. 

[[Fi...]]

so many good people and good comments right now...i'm so glad this thread is here, that Welchie ain't squelchie'd, that tatertot has the class to wear Ralph Lauren with jeans n sneakers, that begood is spreading the good vibes, that Final is healing through feeling less than stellar, that i get to be part of this positive and suportive group of people on Welchie's thread. yall show me that women can actually lift each other up without expecting anything in return. warms the heart. gives courage.

 

ps

sorry if i left anybody out i'm kinda tinny today (tinnitus-ey?) so good to read everyone is doing pretty darn good all things considered. love to see some moose (meese?) lol one day in real life, and Seattle is a dream to live there or portland maybe. what a cool history of the underground madame and stuff! yeah a movie for sure i bet that madame had some stories, wonder who has her photos and memoirs? heehee

 

I love how you write NMDFM.  Not only when you are light but also when you are standing your ground. 

 

 

[[no...]]

so many good people and good comments right now...i'm so glad this thread is here, that Welchie ain't squelchie'd, that tatertot has the class to wear Ralph Lauren with jeans n sneakers, that begood is spreading the good vibes, that Final is healing through feeling less than stellar, that i get to be part of this positive and suportive group of people on Welchie's thread. yall show me that women can actually lift each other up without expecting anything in return. warms the heart. gives courage.

 

ps

sorry if i left anybody out i'm kinda tinny today (tinnitus-ey?) so good to read everyone is doing pretty darn good all things considered. love to see some moose (meese?) lol one day in real life, and Seattle is a dream to live there or portland maybe. what a cool history of the underground madame and stuff! yeah a movie for sure i bet that madame had some stories, wonder who has her photos and memoirs? heehee

 

I love how you write NMDFM.  Not only when you are light but also when you are standing your ground.

aww Final! 

i think it's Welchie's rubbing off on me. her sense of humor , well actually several people...oh just hush it(self) just accept a compliment gracefully! why is ist so hard for us to hear good things about ourselves without that inner critic trying to stomp it out right away? anyways. THANK YOU.

[[We...]]

Uh oh...if I'm rubbing off on you nomore...you're in deep sh*t!!!

 

I think there may be a few southern sister's here so...

 

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?

 

A northern fairy tale begins with 'Once upon a time...'

A southern fairy tale begins with 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...'

[[no...]]

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?

 

A northern fairy tale begins with 'Once upon a time...'

A southern fairy tale begins with 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...'

 

omalord!    that's so true!

[[Fi...]]

I'm still tapering but havent put my recent cut yet.  I tried a cut and hold but will probably go back to small cuts again. I cant wait yo get under .5, it will mean a lot to me on so many levels.

 

you've come a long way this year on your taper Final. especially once you got down to those lower doses...so much harder to deal w/ramped sxs down there. you're one of the people that shows the struggle is real, but you keep going anyways. 

 

Missed this.  Thank you so much for your encouragement.  🌻

[[Fi...]]

Uh oh...if I'm rubbing off on you nomore...you're in deep sh*t!!!

 

I think there may be a few southern sister's here so...

 

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?

 

A northern fairy tale begins with 'Once upon a time...'

A southern fairy tale begins with 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...'

 

That's so true.  I have both southern and northern friends and sometimes the delivery is very different.

[[We...]]

idk.  Sounds like a lot more fun down south!

[[no...]]

I'm still tapering but havent put my recent cut yet.  I tried a cut and hold but will probably go back to small cuts again. I cant wait yo get under .5, it will mean a lot to me on so many levels.

 

you've come a long way this year on your taper Final. especially once you got down to those lower doses...so much harder to deal w/ramped sxs down there. you're one of the people that shows the struggle is real, but you keep going anyways. 

 

Missed this.  Thank you so much for your encouragement.  🌻

 

that's okay! i love the lil white rabbit on your ticker...look at that bunny hoppin along!

[[Fi...]]

I'm still tapering but havent put my recent cut yet.  I tried a cut and hold but will probably go back to small cuts again. I cant wait yo get under .5, it will mean a lot to me on so many levels.

 

you've come a long way this year on your taper Final. especially once you got down to those lower doses...so much harder to deal w/ramped sxs down there. you're one of the people that shows the struggle is real, but you keep going anyways. 

 

Missed this.  Thank you so much for your encouragement.  🌻

 

that's okay! i love the lil white rabbit on your ticker...look at that bunny hoppin along!

 

Hippity hop.  Just trying to get farther down.

[[We...]]

Only now the rabbit is coming up the rabbit hole rather than going down!!!!

 

Still going for those walks Final?

 

We had some bizarre weather here.  Last night the we had wind gusts up to 85 and 90 mph.  And 80' maple tree in our yard spit right down the middle.  And of course onto our neighbor's fence.   

 

But I noticed something weird that I noticed off and on before...my sx seem to get a little funkier with extreme weather, or extreme changes in weather.  Anyone else notice that too?  I feel like a human barometer.

 

As far as all that produce I bought at Whole Foods...today I'm looking at it thinking...gosh, I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this!!!

[[no...]]

We had some bizarre weather here.  Last night the we had wind gusts up to 85 and 90 mph.  And 80' maple tree in our yard spit right down the middle.  And of course onto our neighbor's fence.   

 

But I noticed something weird that I noticed off and on before...my sx seem to get a little funkier with extreme weather, or extreme changes in weather.  Anyone else notice that too?  I feel like a human barometer.

 

wow that scary Welchie...poor maple tree. who's gonna mend that fence?

 

i asked a question like this last month... squished it here:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=221935.msg2966271#msg2966271

[[Fi...]]

Only now the rabbit is coming up the rabbit hole rather than going down!!!!

 

Still going for those walks Final?

 

We had some bizarre weather here.  Last night the we had wind gusts up to 85 and 90 mph.  And 80' maple tree in our yard spit right down the middle.  And of course onto our neighbor's fence.   

 

But I noticed something weird that I noticed off and on before...my sx seem to get a little funkier with extreme weather, or extreme changes in weather.  Anyone else notice that too?  I feel like a human barometer.

 

As far as all that produce I bought at Whole Foods...today I'm looking at it thinking...gosh, I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this!!!

 

I am still walking Welchie though it was very chilly today and I was a little weepy. But I did keep saying to myself that this is an accomplishment.

 

That is a really strong wind and I'm glad the tree did not hit your home.

 

I havent noticed many symptoms ramping up except for feeling a bit more chilly in my body.  What are you experiencing?

[[ea...]]

Excuse my language but I wrote out this nice reply to you guys, sent it and POOF!! It just disappeared. The computer gremlin has done that twice this evening. Phooey!

east

Thumbs up to all of you rabbit hole ladies. I like you!

[[Ta...]]

Hi Ladies,

 

Congratulations to Final for hopping along the path. Tapering is truly a test of endurance, stamina and patience and you are winning that race, honey. You keep going. Keep that chin up. You are doing great.

 

NMD4M, you are such a sweet Texan breath of fresh air and I AM HERE for of all of it! I love your sayings and all your passions. You are really engaged with life and just imagine how amazing life will be when you are finally free of all the meds that were trying to stomp out your light? Wooo-eee, I am super excited for you and want to hold your hand (virtually) through this journey!

 

Welchie,

Thank you for starting this thread and tending to it so lovingly. You are our biggest cheerleader and your love, kindness and wit are unmatched. You truly bless all our lives with your presence. I know you will continue to get better and be able to radiate your incredible energy even more.

What a bummer about your 80' foot maple tree. It had to have been beautiful especially now with autumn colors! But now you can make enough firewood for a whole neighborhood!

 

Eastcoast, I envision you as an Energizer bunny running around Vero Beach popping into thrift stores, playing with Bear, talking with neighbors, cleaning houses and just go-go-going. I dont why I get that impression, maybe from how you write. You have an indomitable fighting spirit and reminds me of a saying "a strong women will always turn pain into power." I think you are powerful beyond measure and thank you for sharing your internal power with all of us on BB.

 

Everyone else, I send you my love and best wishes to get through another day with the grace and courage that you display to me daily. We are all fierce warrior women...even when we don't feel like it.

 

Love,

Taylor "tater"

[[no...]]

Hi Ladies,

 

Congratulations to Final for hopping along the path. Tapering is truly a test of endurance, stamina and patience and you are winning that race, honey. You keep going. Keep that chin up. You are doing great.

agreed. Final's such a good role model for us all. it's easy to follow those who are having a seemingly easy time of it but we need the balance of the other side the trudging day to day when ya really don't feel like it side, to keep us , to give us a reality check. this ain't always acute, but it's a whole lotta between acute and healed. the trudge,lol.

 

and also when we see the windows we get to rejoice with her, and then "it's back to reality, oh there goes gravity" like Eminem the rapper says. we usually don't hear from the great majority of BB's that are living this everyday, but somehow Final keeps finding the energy deep down and showing up anyways. it's like a long term marriage, where the partners spend 10% of their years in lovey dovey joyful happiness and 10% fighting and miserable but the other 80% they just live as buddies, trucking along with normal everyday stuff. those are the relationships that last. those happy ending marriages where the old couple stayed friends the whole time throuh it all. never truly alone, never giving up on the other.

NMD4M, you are such a sweet Texan breath of fresh air and I AM HERE for of all of it! I love your sayings and all your passions. You are really engaged with life and just imagine how amazing life will be when you are finally free of all the meds that were trying to stomp out your light? Wooo-eee, I am super excited for you and want to hold your hand (virtually) through this journey!

Taylortot! thank you for these sweet words! gonna copypaste this over to my blog so i can find it later for when i'm down. we need a thingamajig that will print out quotes we love as a sticker to paste on our bathroom mirrors or around our monitors, you know, that positive reinforcement thing? maybe they  have a lil invention like this already...i could just write it down and use a piece of scotchtape i guess.. doh!

Welchie,

Thank you for starting this thread and tending to it so lovingly. You are our biggest cheerleader and your love, kindness and wit are unmatched. You truly bless all our lives with your presence. I know you will continue to get better and be able to radiate your incredible energy even more.

What a bummer about your 80' foot maple tree. It had to have been beautiful especially now with autumn colors! But now you can make enough firewood for a whole neighborhood!

i can just see Welchie with a chainsaw making presents for all her neighbors, walking down the road with a wheelbarrow full of logs tied with big ribbons, putting them on their lawns with a tag that says "our Maple tree bit the dust. Merry Christmas"

Everyone else, I send you my love and best wishes to get through another day with the grace and courage that you display to me daily. We are all fierce warrior women...even when we don't feel like it.

Love,

Taylor "tater"