Under the Rug (Trigger Warning)

[[Fi...]]

Hi Ladies,

 

Congratulations to Final for hopping along the path. Tapering is truly a test of endurance, stamina and patience and you are winning that race, honey. You keep going. Keep that chin up. You are doing great.

agreed. Final's such a good role model for us all. it's easy to follow those who are having a seemingly easy time of it but we need the balance of the other side the trudging day to day when ya really don't feel like it side, to keep us , to give us a reality check. this ain't always acute, but it's a whole lotta between acute and healed. the trudge,lol.

 

and also when we see the windows we get to rejoice with her, and then "it's back to reality, oh there goes gravity" like Eminem the rapper says. we usually don't hear from the great majority of BB's that are living this everyday, but somehow Final keeps finding the energy deep down and showing up anyways. it's like a long term marriage, where the partners spend 10% of their years in lovey dovey joyful happiness and 10% fighting and miserable but the other 80% they just live as buddies, trucking along with normal everyday stuff. those are the relationships that last. those happy ending marriages where the old couple stayed friends the whole time throuh it all. never truly alone, never giving up on the other.

 

Tater, NMDFM and Welchie,

 

You have made me cry in a good way.  I feel seen and encouraged by your words here.  Yes, I'm not in acute but in the daily grind of tapering and existing right now.

 

I'm going to copy these words so I can refer to then any time I need to get perspective. 🎆

[[ea...]]

Tater, that's a fairly apt description of me. I have been thinking about this a lot more lately. While ON benzos, I began backing away from people, especially strangers. Over time this became very pronounced. I lost all of my friends that way and almost lost my favorite sister.

 

And then I got off benzos. Four years later, I LOVE talking to strangers. I strike up conversations with them all of the time. I was at Publix today. A nice older man was in the cleaning stuff aisle so I spoke to him. We quickly started a rather long conversation of mental health facilities. He used to live in Long Island. He was there when Pilgrim State Hospital was open. He worked there in some capacity. That facility is infamous. They warehoused about 16,000 patients at a time. If they died they were buried in Potters Grave. Tiny stone markers. They used old fashioned straight jackets. They did lobotomies. It was an enormous place. I vaguely remember reading about it years ago.

We chatted for almost 20 minutes.  Now, this is something I NEVER would have done while on benzos. It is as if benzos tried to stamp the very life out of me. That a pill can do so much damage is truly awful. But not to just anyone. It does seem to be a matter of how LONG one takes benzos, to cause THAT much of a personality change. I realized a long time ago that my case is extreme, and that's okay because the fact I DID survive and have managed to thrive and heal is the REAL message.

I now often have conversations with strangers like this. On benzos I was anything but outgoing. Now I AM.

Go figure.

Annie

[[no...]]

Hi Ladies,

 

Congratulations to Final for hopping along the path. Tapering is truly a test of endurance, stamina and patience and you are winning that race, honey. You keep going. Keep that chin up. You are doing great.

agreed. Final's such a good role model for us all. it's easy to follow those who are having a seemingly easy time of it but we need the balance of the other side the trudging day to day when ya really don't feel like it side, to keep us , to give us a reality check. this ain't always acute, but it's a whole lotta between acute and healed. the trudge,lol.

 

and also when we see the windows we get to rejoice with her, and then "it's back to reality, oh there goes gravity" like Eminem the rapper says. we usually don't hear from the great majority of BB's that are living this everyday, but somehow Final keeps finding the energy deep down and showing up anyways. it's like a long term marriage, where the partners spend 10% of their years in lovey dovey joyful happiness and 10% fighting and miserable but the other 80% they just live as buddies, trucking along with normal everyday stuff. those are the relationships that last. those happy ending marriages where the old couple stayed friends the whole time throuh it all. never truly alone, never giving up on the other.

 

Tater, NMDFM and Welchie,

 

You have made me cry in a good way.  I feel seen and encouraged by your words here.  Yes, I'm not in acute but in the daily grind of tapering and existing right now.

 

I'm going to copy these words so I can refer to then any time I need to get perspective. 🎆

 

hugs! 

[[Fi...]]

 

"I think some people need to hear this. Without eating wonderful nutritious healthy organic food, you can heal. Without exercising, you can heal. Without sleeping much, you can heal. Without going to therapy, you can heal. Without tapping (EFT), meditating, or gratitude, you can heal. Without having a good attitude, you can heal. 

 

Without praying. Without herbs and supplements. Without acupuncture. If you eat meat, or vegetables, or fruit, or dairy; if you cry every day; if you are angry; if you are so depressed you think you're broken, you can heal. Everyone in this group that is tapering is healing. Everyone that finished their taper is healing. 

 

You can make a "mistake" with managing your taper--going accidentally too fast or up and down or whatever--and heal. There is no perfect way to do this. There is only trial and error. There will be many ups and downs and symptoms we just can't "fix." Sometimes tapering is chaotic and uncontrollable and confusing. And yet we are healing. You can do this. You ARE doing this. 

 

The worst that happens is someone thinks they can't take it anymore and tries to end it all. I promise you, if you never get off the couch, that won't happen to you. In a way the hardest thing is doing nothing. And a lot of withdrawal is doing nothing. Nothing nothing and more nothing. If you woke up today, if you ate some food, and just stuck it out and are making it through the day, doing as little as possible, pat yourself on the back because that's tremendous. You're doing great".  

Ro Dann

 

Ro was pollydrugged for 10 years, including benzos and is now med free. 

[[We...]]

THANK YOU FINAL!!!  I loved this post so much when I saw it on your thread.  Worthy of hanging on the fridge...the  mirrors...the toilet...and my pillow case!

 

Hey all you benzo busting babes!!!  Another day of healing for all.  Good, bad, gray zone...another day.

 

Tater - thanks for your kind words to me and everyone else.  You're such a sweetie.  Yes, our garden here, each of us tending to each other with drinks of water and sunshine to keep us going.  You sure brought lots of that with your last post, as did everyone else.  You guys are so beautiful.  Don't know how I would get through this without you all.  Or y'all. 

 

nomore - you inspired me to put a big red ribbon on the wood when we put it curbside!  Too funny!  Poor tree.  She was a good girl.  I checked out that link of yours which confirms we basically really are human barometers - our sx changing along with the weather - and was practically peeing my pants laughing at some of the other pics!!!  I love coming here...always great vibes, a good laugh, and lots of hugs.  Despite the pain of it all.

 

Hubs and I spent all day yesterday working on the tree clean up.  Found a huge creepy spider on my shoulder and had one of those moments where you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master.  Most exercise I've had in a year.  The cat was sitting on the fallen trunk for a while, supervising.  East...when do you think it's an appropriate time to tell her she's adopted?

 

Busy weekend and overdid it again.  And it's our wedding anniversary.  Reminded my hubs that I thought marriages should have renewable contracts.  Maybe every five years or so???  Better yet two. 

 

But feels so good to be amongst the living again, even though it's exhausting right now and I'm not 100%.

 

Love that phrase...a strong woman will always turn pain into power.  YES!!!  Will hang that with Final's quote from Ro.  It's so true though.

 

Love you guys...gonna go crash!!!  Hope everyone is ok.  Hang tough with your recent cut Final...you got this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[ea...]]

My flower garden took a beating due to excessively high temps this summer. My pentas died, and I have NEVER lost a penta plants. I have a Home Depot credit card, so I went there and spent $47 on impatiens, new pentas, and a lot of brick pavers. Because one of my legs does not bend normally (thanks in part to benzos) going down even tiny stairs is difficult for me. My plan is to put the pavers right in front of my front door and put my door mat on top of it. lessening the amount of DOWN steps for this little old benzo survivor. Hope it works.

Have to tell you ladies a funny thing. I went to Marshalls and bought this silver metallic sleeveless top. (I AM  a Glitter Girl!) Well the darn top sheds glitter all over the place. I attempted to wash it to get rid of falling glitter, but that didn't work at all. Any ideas??

Annnie and Mr Bear

[[no...]]

THANK YOU FINAL!!!  I loved this post so much when I saw it on your thread.  Worthy of hanging on the fridge...the  mirrors...the toilet...and my pillow case!

 

Hey all you benzo busting babes!!! Another day of healing for all.  Good, bad, gray zone...another day.

 

Tater - thanks for your kind words to me and everyone else.  You're such a sweetie.  Yes, our garden here, each of us tending to each other with drinks of water and sunshine to keep us going. You sure brought lots of that with your last post, as did everyone else.  You guys are so beautiful.  Don't know how I would get through this without you all.  Or y'all. 

 

nomore - you inspired me to put a big red ribbon on the wood when we put it curbside!  Too funny!  Poor tree.  She was a good girl.  I checked out that link of yours which confirms we basically really are human barometers - our sx changing along with the weather - and was practically peeing my pants laughing at some of the other pics!!!  I love coming here...always great vibes, a good laugh, and lots of hugs.  Despite the pain of it all.

Hubs and I spent all day yesterday working on the tree clean up.  Found a huge creepy spider on my shoulder and had one of those moments where you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master.  Most exercise I've had in a year. The cat was sitting on the fallen trunk for a while, supervising.  East...when do you think it's an appropriate time to tell her she's adopted?

 

Busy weekend and overdid it again. And it's our wedding anniversary.  Reminded my hubs that I thought marriages should have renewable contracts.  Maybe every five years or so???  Better yet two. 

 

But feels so good to be amongst the living again, even though it's exhausting right now and I'm not 100%.

 

Love that phrase...a strong woman will always turn pain into power.  YES!!!  Will hang that with Final's quote from Ro.  It's so true though.

 

Love you guys...gonna go crash!!!  Hope everyone is ok.  Hang tough with your recent cut Final...you got this.

[[so...]]

Hey Gang,

 

Mind if I pull up a chair?  Where has this thread been hiding?  (Munching a mouthful of greasy “natural fucking” potato chips and reading posts like a Game of Thrones junkie on crack.  Oops, snorted a few chips on my bathrobe laughing...).

 

You women are lovely Amazons.  I’m old, short and wrinkly, but I love to hang out with funny people (especially those who can kick ass when it’s called for—that’s my fave).

 

Thank you for providing the best distraction on the forum.  It’s better than watching paint dry in my bedroom.

 

Please continue.  Pretend I’m not here.  (Most people on the forum treat me like that anyway.)

 

Sofa

[[so...]]

 

"I think some people need to hear this. Without eating wonderful nutritious healthy organic food, you can heal. Without exercising, you can heal. Without sleeping much, you can heal. Without going to therapy, you can heal. Without tapping (EFT), meditating, or gratitude, you can heal. Without having a good attitude, you can heal.

 

Without praying. Without herbs and supplements. Without acupuncture. If you eat meat, or vegetables, or fruit, or dairy; if you cry every day; if you are angry; if you are so depressed you think you're broken, you can heal. Everyone in this group that is tapering is healing. Everyone that finished their taper is healing.

 

You can make a "mistake" with managing your taper--going accidentally too fast or up and down or whatever--and heal. There is no perfect way to do this. There is only trial and error. There will be many ups and downs and symptoms we just can't "fix." Sometimes tapering is chaotic and uncontrollable and confusing. And yet we are healing. You can do this. You ARE doing this.

 

The worst that happens is someone thinks they can't take it anymore and tries to end it all. I promise you, if you never get off the couch, that won't happen to you. In a way the hardest thing is doing nothing. And a lot of withdrawal is doing nothing. Nothing nothing and more nothing. If you woke up today, if you ate some food, and just stuck it out and are making it through the day, doing as little as possible, pat yourself on the back because that's tremendous. You're doing great". 

Ro Dann

 

I printed this out and it’s now on my fridge.  Best quote on the forum.  Only drawback was no mention of cheezy poofs.  Will I still heal on cheezy poofs?  Shit I hope so.

[[Fi...]]

Hey Gang,

 

Mind if I pull up a chair?  Where has this thread been hiding?  (Munching a mouthful of greasy “natural fucking” potato chips and reading posts like a Game of Thrones junkie on crack.  Oops, snorted a few chips on my bathrobe laughing...).

 

You women are lovely Amazons.  I’m old, short and wrinkly, but I love to hang out with funny people (especially those who can kick ass when it’s called for—that’s my fave).

 

Thank you for providing the best distraction on the forum.  It’s better than watching paint dry in my bedroom.

 

Please continue.  Pretend I’m not here.  (Most people on the forum treat me like that anyway.)

 

Sofa

 

Wow, looked at your signature and you are one strong woman! Welchie has provided a great place for benzo folks to hang and feel feelings, good, bad and everything in between.

[[so...]]

Final,

 

Oh yes!  This is better than BO threads.  I love those.

 

Sofa

[[We...]]

Sofa!!!!  Ok....I have some serious business to get straight here first.  Very serious.  Just for the record, I want it known, to all mankind, that I got your name the first time I saw it    If I had a potato chip for every time I saw someone say to  you....interesting name...but what does it MEAN???  Well, I'd be the CEO of Frito Lay.

 

Had to trade in the chips for celery sticks though.  The good news is they don't hurt as much when you snort them while laughing.

 

I've been following your 'four stages' thread for a while    Want to thank you too for some good laughs.  And you have a heart of gold.  Would totally dig it if you pulled up a chair.  We are definitely not snobs here.  Just managed to get ourselves thrown into the swamplands of Off Topic for having a good time.  But comedy is tragedy plus time.  Sounds like your average benzo trip.

 

And yeah...sometimes ass kicking is required when one is dealing with nasty people that are about as useful to have in one's life as an asshole with tastebuds.

 

Final - bless your beautiful heart, but it's all the beautiful people here (you too!) that make this thread work.

 

 

 

[[so...]]

Welchie,

 

You got my name right away!!!  Woo hoo!!!  I can’t tell you how many times I was called a man (because of the king in my name) even though my gender is clear in my profile.

 

Wow, that was some long rant I just read by a particular member on this thread.  I thought WTF initially, but then started putting a lot two and twos together, with the help of a really smart member who tells me where all the dog poop land mines are. (That shit is hard to scrape off the bottom of your shoe, once firmly embedded.)

 

I’m really glad you decided to stay on this forum.  I just found this thread and I didn’t want to get a complex—you leaving just as I arrived—we’re already paranoid as it is.

 

You sound like you are bumping along just as you should be.  Good for you.  No need for me to rescue any vulnerable people on here.  Amazon women kick ass and they circle the wagons when intruders approach.  I like that.  We all need backup.  Diana had the Supremes, after all.

 

Sheer entertainment should be the rule on this forum, not the exception.  There are actually more of US on here, than there are naysayers.  It’s just that train wrecks grab more headlines than pleasant people do.  Eventually, we pleasants find each other and “Party on, Garth.”

 

Thanks for letting me pull up a recliner and kick off my shoes, especially in light of the fact I’ve got benzo Chinese almond cookies for toenails.  Thanks in advance for overlooking my flaws and ignoring my dragon talons.

 

Sofa

 

 

 

[[ea...]]

Maybe I am too old or just dense, but I don't get your name, Sofa! Feel freer to PM me, so I wont feel like a total dumbo. LOL!

I sure wish I had been more creative when choosing a screen name. I was so totally sick and confused back.

.

This thread has provided even this old timer some laughs. Makes no difference how long I have been off benzos, I will probably always need support. One does not just say "bye bye" to benzos. They don't go away that easily. They may have a grip oh ne forever, and I am being utterly honest here.

 

Thank heavens we do have BB!

east (Annie)

[[We...]]

Annie - say Sofa's name several times out loud very fast 

[[so...]]

Annie,

 

I wrote this on your blog to explain my username.  You might have missed it:

 

“Hahahaaaaa.  I thought of that username when I was just four months out.  I’m coming up on five years in three weeks.  If I was so f*cking done way back then, I’m either well done right now—or Sofakingcharred.

 

Sofa”

[[so...]]

Since I’m known around here as Sofa, just think of me as your friendly couch potato.

 

Sofa

[[no...]]

Hey Gang,

 

Mind if I pull up a chair?  Where has this thread been hiding?  (Munching a mouthful of greasy “natural fucking” potato chips and reading posts like a Game of Thrones junkie on crack.  Oops, snorted a few chips on my bathrobe laughing...).

 

You women are lovely Amazons.  I’m old, short and wrinkly, but I love to hang out with funny people (especially those who can kick ass when it’s called for—that’s my fave).

 

Thank you for providing the best distraction on the forum.  It’s better than watching paint dry in my bedroom.

 

Please continue.  Pretend I’m not here.  (Most people on the forum treat me like that anyway.)

 

Sofa

 

not likely  yer gonna be ignored here!

 

Amazons! wow...i love it! that's so not what i look or feel like, but i love the imagery. which made me look at your avatar...

did you pick her because she is a lil cut voudou dollie with a big heart  or is the pin thru the head a secret wink/nod to having been poked and prodded w/various therapies surgeries and meds? maybe i read too much into it...but it's fascinating why people pick certain avatars to represent them don't you think?

 

anyways so glad you jumped in cause i always appreciate your posts Sofa.

[[no...]]

Annie - say Sofa's name several times out loud very fast 

 

(snickers!)

 

hey Welchie you need an avatar! ohh...the search for Welchie images is on...

 

edit:

 

okay searching for Welchie meme's and images, these popped up. 

 

and my favorite totally inappropriate but hilarious:

 

 

are you still accepting signups?... got my 6 inch stripper heels on standby.

[[We...]]

OMG those pics!  My face hurts from laughing!

 

Will write more later....catching up with PMs....

 

But I appear to have another potato chip to add to my collection, sofa.

 

Final...have we scared you off yet???

[[Fi...]]

Haven't scared me off.  I'm not always upbeat at this time but ar least I can be authentic. 

[[so...]]

Nomore,

 

My little voodoo doll....all of the above reasons you mentioned are true.  Big heart, nail through the head withdrawal and Frankenstein surgeries.  If you have spare body parts you are looking to discard, I have zippers in various places you can store them.  Room for one and all.

 

I hope today is bearable for all you gals.  I always look at the clock and, when it says 5pm, I’m another day closer to the end of this.

 

We all get to the promised land.  There’s a reason all this happened to us, you know.  We had to walk through hell to have one foot in heaven.

 

Sofa

 

 

[[Ta...]]

Trigger warning: potty talk

 

Should I be mortified by this or should I just laugh my ass off? (Which I did by the way)

 

Okay, so I suffer from pretty bad constipation. I find that among women, this is a pretty common condition so I am fairly open about it when I talk to other women. My boyfriend and I have lived together for 8 years in my home and he is pretty funny about it. He kindly and jokingly encourages me to celebrate every little time I go to the bathroom, no matter how small. He says not to diminish my little nuggets but throw a party for them!

 

He works from home in our third bedroom. He shuts the door to diminish the sound of him on the telephone but often it is hard to tell if he is on the phone or not.

 

So I had a blessed miracle this morning and I had to poop! Yay, victory! Its been over  a week so after I did it and I walked down the hall past the third bedroom/office with the door closed I announced "Lets party! I pooped!"

 

He answers back, "Um, honey, I'm on the phone." It was so quiet that I didn't realize he was on the phone, but he was on speakerphone.

So I think his co-workers may have heard my grand announcement.

 

Geez, what must they be thinking??? What kind of short-bus infantile girlfriend does this guy have? Or she sure has a low bar for accomplishments! (Actually a high bar for me!)

 

Anyway, I just laughed all my way to the computer to recount the story. For shits and giggles. 

My apologies if you don't find this funny.

[[We...]]

OK.  The second time today my face hurts from laughing.  You GO girl....brings a whole new meaning to that phrase 

 

I would kill to be constipated for just ONE day!!!  Can we trade off for a while???  Please, pretty please. 

 

And hey...there's a 'trigger warning' loud and clear on the thread header.  But we won't get into 'loud and clear'.  A rather sensitive issue for you at the moment.  However, I would encourage you to get yourself one of those bull horns like the politicians use, and a car with a big sunroof - so you can stand in the car - and have your boyfriend drive you around town to make the announcement!!!  Halleluja and Amen!!!  Oh the simple pleasures of life....  I wish many more nuggets for you in the future!!!

 

For sure, sofa.  We're all headed toward that promised land of healing.  And you just never know the hidden blessings that show up from painful stuff like this.  Eventually.  Many blessings came out the Lyme disease trip ten years ago, too many to mention here.  In a very roundabout way it's how I met my hubs who I love dearly, though I poke fun of husbands and marriage mercilessly   

 

But glad to know I have a place to stash body parts that may fall off.  Some days I still feel held together by gum and duct tape!!!

 

Don't know....nomore...I'm feeling a lot more like the yellow frog than the giant pink shoes.  Maybe she is my alter ego???  Though I could trade my gray slippers in for pink ones....

 

Glad you are still with us Final 

[[Ta...]]

I was thinking the Bluesmobile with the big horn on top.

And I will add baton twirlers and a New Orleans brass band. Walking brass band with parasols and handkerchiefs in the air!

Link if you dare

 

I would love to trade GI issues with you Welchie, even if for a day or two. It would give you a nice break and maybe help me with my bloated benzo belly!

 

Glad you found your hubs Welchie. Oxytocin from love and connection helps us heal!