Under the Rug (Trigger Warning)

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Hi Welchie! 💕 Hi Dee! 💕

 

This is a great thread. Compassionate and powerful.

[[de...]]

Hi sila, hi Welchie, hi ALL soul sisters.  💕

 

I love our little thread sila, the women here are so good, powerful, compassionate, just as you say. 

 

You've got to keep up with the wit, sila  but no-one really cares if we can't, but a laugh along the way has helped me so much.  Like check out Welchie leaving her body to science fiction....even if it was an old joke, I'd never heard it before. 

 

I get that "weird" feeling too Peaceful, it is so hard to describe.  Told my ex psychiatrist once and he suggested Seroquil.  Man, now you know why he's ex psychiatrist. 

 

Thanks too for Freddie.  I saw "Bohemian Rhapsody", I cried, and I cried when I played the video you sent.  We are champions Peaceful it can't be denied, this journey has been so difficult yet we are making it still. 

 

Hey, Welchie I sent my sister the Viagra lawyer joke, and she didn't laugh.  Might suggest she becomes my doctor's lawyer they can tell each other "client jokes". 

 

I have to clean up this tip today as kids and ex husband coming around for belated Christmas.  Really don't feel like it and my ex husband can be a trial.  Trying to find a play on "trial" Welchie, but

brain won't work. 

 

Welcome sila, 1mg girl. 

 

Dee

 

*  I've got to catch up on previous posts fell into a slump and just couldn't do the reading.

 

D x

[[Pe...]]

whoa nelly says PH.  am having myself a mini-wave likely from serious lack of sleep. always hits as physical and then

creeps into emotional sxs, signaling an ending in sight of sorts...  (translation: so once it has fuked with my body it fuks with my emotions and then laughs and laughs and laughs...         

 

I'll be back around when I can 

 

"Thanks too for Freddie.  I saw "Bohemian Rhapsody", I cried, and I cried when I played the video you sent.  We are champions Peaceful it can't be denied, this journey has been so difficult yet we are making it still. "   Freddie said it so beautifully Dee, and we will go on   

 

Hello Sila, welcome to our funny little corner of the world 

[[We...]]

Hey sila and Dee!!!  How's the 1mg going with you two?  And the itches?

 

Peaceful - you're welcome to borrow some of my sleep...I seem to be in excess, especially during the day.  Interesting how you noticed the pattern of physical to emotional...hope your handling your mini wave ok and will make it back very soon.

 

sila - if you are brave enough to join the thread, you are brave enough to get through your taper!!!  You may have to cover your ears here once in a while    And you may have to invest in disposable diapers because Dee has made me pee my pants laughing several times.  She's a rascal!!!  And I really didn't say everything I said on this site!!! 

 

I've learned a lot here.  Like never double your benzo dose and take a laxative on the same night, for instance....Who knew??  Some of us learn from our mistakes.  The rest of us have to be the others.

 

 

[[de...]]

Dear Peaceful, I'm in the zone too, feel so depressed, where is that icon of those "theatre masks"? 

 

And that's exactly what the fuker does, laughs and laughs in our face.  Just so feel like crying all the time.  Seem to zone into clarity, and then retreat into anxiety.  I'm praying that this is a sign of healing and my poor old brain can only cope with so much 'reality', and then retreats to the familiar. 

 

Jeez sila, we promised humour and I'm delivering sorrow.  But as earlier, it doesn't matter, we are here for each other through the hard times too.  There's got to be a good benzo joke to come out of this, there has to be. 

 

Return when you feel Peaceful able Peaceful, I'm in the same boat.

 

Dee

[[te...]]

Hi all ,

Glad to read your posts sending everyone hugs and well wishes.

Not feeling myself no sleep so I will keep it short. Hope to join in again soon.

 

[[de...]]

 

I must be depressed. 

 

Dee

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Hey tech, welcome to the fun zone. 

 

We try hard to get a laugh out of all of this and it helps heaps. 

 

Don't take the video I sent as too gooomy tech, I get over the gloom pretty quick.  At least I hope so, don't feel too funny today. 

 

I do like the song, irrespective of my mood. 

 

Tomorrow is another day tech.   

 

Dee

 

[[de...]]

My video was pretty maudlin, hey?

 

Dee

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Hey, sista girls, we NAILED it! 

 

Just listening to our Radio National, a programme "All in the Mind".

 

Interview with Joseph Berger (?) who has just published a book, "Shame and the Narcissist you Know". 

 

When asked what was the best way to get over shame he said, with HUMOUR!  To be able to laugh at ourselves, and that we don't need to be perfect, we are good enough as we are are. 

 

He said, that narcissists have "zero sense of humour".  They run, deny their shame, and will not acknowledge it, rather try to humiliate, bully, others in defence. 

 

Laugh on my sisters.  Laugh kookaburra, laugh. 

 

Hooray, for us. 

 

Dee

 

 

 

 

 

[[mo...]]

Wow our little thread is growing. Hey Welchie! Dee! Annie! PH! And Sila and Tech! And Sal on some days. If I forgot anyone blame it on the Benzos It’s akways the Benzos...

 

I’m sorry you are not feeling well Dee and Welch and  PH. I totally get it about the “weird” feeling I feel like it never leaves. I feel so incomplete most of the time, like my thoughts are never finished downloading. I feel like my thoughts are AOL dial up remember that? Dee I can’t believe the seriquil your old psych was mad for sure. If we lived closer I might think we had the same. We must save the world from doctors.

 

I’m actually having a good window today. I really think my monthly was the culprit  since now it’s gone and I feel a million times  better. I guess that’s a symptom manifesting that way now since that was not normal at all.This stuff really plays with your hormones then laughs and laughs...  Really was hairy for a minute there, felt I was beat and robbed in my sleep. I may need witness protection but I fear the sx would still find me. So now I’m trying to decide if I should wait for tinnitus to go away before my next cut? I don’t want it to get any worse. But that’s really the only symptom right now. 

 

I do think that’s true about narcissists Dee, they usually are lacking in the humor department now that I think about it! I felt lots of shame growing up and you know what, humor helped me so much. That and like Welchie says self love. I’m still working on it but it grows everyday. This journey forces you to love and care for yourself and truthfully aside from this circle we are walking alone because who else knows what we face? There’s so much love and strength in that otherwise we would lay down and go to science fiction. Too funny! 

 

Nothing from jazz hands. It’s just as well not a on of chemistry anyway. That is a MUST in my next marriage.

 

Good point Welchie about the anxiety going and then fatigue setting in. Could mean we are healing for sure. I do feel much less anxious than I did a few weeks ago.

 

Hope everyone feels better soon. Yet another day on the freedom trail. Getting closer. 

 

[[We...]]

Hi tech!!  Glad to see you on the thread!!!  Hope you get some sleep soon.  I'm getting worried about you.  But know our hearts are with you.

 

That is great mountaintop you're having a bit of a window and feeling less anxiety!  Rock on!!!  AOL dial up...too funny, but great description.  Doesn't it seem that a bit of a roller coaster ride precedes a window?  I've read in a lot of places that tinnitus can be the last sx to go, BTW.  Mine's still humming away. 

 

Hey Dee!  Given that we're generally living in a torture chamber for an extended period of time...a little maudlin is to be expected.  I'm surprised we're not all seriously and genuinely wankers.  HEALING IS INEVITABLE!  But no need to suffer in silence when we can still whimper, moan and complain.  It's all good.  So right...accepting ourselves just as we are is part of the journey home from benzos.

 

How true abour narcs...they can't laugh at themselves and they love to stomp on open hearted, sensitive souls.  But we're getting smart about the game. 

 

Have to finish my morning coffee (decaf)...there are people in India still sleeping.

 

Love you all  (Computer is acting up...so if I'm MIA...)

 

 

[[Pe...]]

Hey, sista girls, we NAILED it! 

 

Just listening to our Radio National, a programme "All in the Mind".

 

Interview with Joseph Berger (?) who has just published a book, "Shame and the Narcissist you Know". 

 

When asked what was the best way to get over shame he said, with HUMOUR!  To be able to laugh at ourselves, and that we don't need to be perfect, we are good enough as we are are. 

 

He said, that narcissists have "zero sense of humour".  They run, deny their shame, and will not acknowledge it, rather try to humiliate, bully, others in defence. 

 

Laugh on my sisters.  Laugh kookaburra, laugh. 

 

Hooray, for us. 

 

Dee

Dee, your video was not maudlin. I happen to love the Bros. Gibb, miss Robin quite a bit. 

 

I learned a sweet little song as a child, "Laugh kookaburra, laugh kookaburra, king of the bush is he...."

  music was and is everything in my home.

 

 

[[Pe...]]

Well my dears,

Dee, Welch, Mountain, Tech, LA, Sila  I hope I didn't miss anyone

 

I have decided to increase my taper rate a touch, nothing dramatic but the darn pill isn't going to taper itself. 

I had been micro reducing for 18 days and brought the small dose down by .02, which is good.  So the small dose is at jump level, but am holding it til the big enchilada gets smaller.    I have 2.86 ml to kill off and then I'll be at .5 total benzo.  Glory days    I'm looking forward to it.

 

I feel better today, somewhat normal again. DH was a lamb last night and took care of me while I emoted.  I conked out afterwards. 

Was going to take myself to a movie, even made it to the front door  and got hit with a bitter blast of cold rain.  We have incoming weather around DC & MD, the usual January nonsense, so I'll try to go later this week instead. Loves me some illicit, fake butter drenched movie popcorn! 😋

 

Ladies, you make the very sun shine brighter.  My thoughts are with you all!

Love you bunches     

[[...]]

Dee, how’s your third day of 1mg?

 

Welchie, how’s post taper treating you?

 

I’m honored and feeling a bit shy about joining this thread. Me, 63 and silver haired with a mouth like a doc worker and a twisted sense of humor.

 

I’m on my second day of 1mg and it has me on the couch. Healing fatigue, I hope. So close and yet it feels so far...trying to maintain positive attitude.

 

Too slow to write much...

[[Pe...]]

Dee, how’s your third day of 1mg?

 

Welchie, how’s post taper treating you?

 

I’m honored and feeling a bit shy about joining this thread. Me, 63 and silver haired with a mouth like a doc worker and a twisted sense of humor.

 

I’m on my second day of 1mg and it has me on the couch. Healing fatigue, I hope. So close and yet it feels so far...trying to maintain positive attitude.

 

Too slow to write much...

 

Sila!    Honored you're here   

I know it's taken a while but you have come a long way!  :clap: 

In a way you and I are in a similar position - I still have the body of my 1mg dose to taper.  But, we're on it. I just finished a mini-wave yesterday.

Hang in there, get the rest you need. Lord knows we're working our rears off, but the taper won't last forever 

 

-PH 🌷

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PH, thank you! ☺️

 

I’ve read all your posts in the thread and am blown away by your strength and kindness.

 

sila

[[We...]]

Sila - Hey...I'm about to turn 61 (next week) and silver haired and have a mouth like a dock worker and have a twisted sense of humor too!!  You're in the right place.  Or maybe we're related!...Naw, you're too nice to be part of my family.  And Dee already 'fessed up' she's 70.

 

I'm getting hit with lots of post jump fatique, but something about it feels different...like it's healing.  Hope that's the same for your fatigue...it's been a couple days since you cut to 1mg?

 

Doesn't matter if you don't write much - just keep showing up, girl, to keep us posted.

 

Dee...have you run off with the Bee Gees???

[[Pe...]]

Hey sila and Dee!!!  How's the 1mg going with you two?  And the itches?

 

Peaceful - you're welcome to borrow some of my sleep...I seem to be in excess, especially during the day.  Interesting how you noticed the pattern of physical to emotional...hope your handling your mini wave ok and will make it back very soon.

 

sila - if you are brave enough to join the thread, you are brave enough to get through your taper!!!  You may have to cover your ears here once in a while    And you may have to invest in disposable diapers because Dee has made me pee my pants laughing several times.  She's a rascal!!!  And I really didn't say everything I said on this site!!! 

 

I've learned a lot here.  Like never double your benzo dose and take a laxative on the same night, for instance....Who knew??  Some of us learn from our mistakes.  The rest of us have to be the others.

 

Welchie, I just saw this post - don't know how it got 'lost' 

 

"I've learned a lot here.  Like never double your benzo dose and take a laxative on the same night, for instance"

I darn near peed my pants laughing,       and BTW "who knew" with a Gallic shrug is one of my fav phrases

 

 

"sila - if you are brave enough to join the thread, you are brave enough to get through your taper!!! "

what welchie said! 

[[Li...]]

Finished reading all the posts. Lots of LOLs. Good medicine that.

 

Saw new GP yesterday and must have looked rough or perhaps my social skills in w/d. Doc asked if I liked my now retired GP. "No," said I and no elaboration. "You are quite honest," he said. Hum. Perhaps need to think of more PC response. I did like this new GP mostly, although he said I may need to stay on Xanex for life. Hum. Apparently I am pretty sick from what he says.

 

Nice to meet everyone on here.

 

I'm 57 and from a "ya'll" area

[[te...]]

Hi to everyone,

Still here Welchie , thought I was going to lose it but was able to sleep about 5 hours last night off and on . But it did make a difference today. I am not going to do my regular cut today going to wait till i get a couple nights sleep first.

Glad to see all the new names on the post. So but I just cant remember all the names. My mind is pretty bad with names, but

I am wishing everyone a peaceful night.

lisa

[[up...]]

Where else can I feel comfortable talking about PTSD, Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, hair loss, phantom smells,skin rashes, my mean husband AND laugh about it?

This group and this thread.   

 

Mountain- the cycles get me every time. It’s so difficult. Just started mine so the worst of that should be easing up. And lol on the AOL dial in. Now I’ve got that sound in my brain. The good old internet days.

 

Love to you all, including you new ladies. This is such a safe, protective and crazy-funny group here.

 

I’m still hanging in. It’s been 7 days on 5 mg V as of last night.

 

Annie

[[We...]]

Annie - thanks    This is a good thread.  Always safe, always protective.  Some days I feel a little more crazy than funny.  It's all good.  We are "The Wild Bunch", though.  Reminds me of one of those old western movies..."'Badges?  We don't need no stinking badges!!!'".  Congrats on 7 days in.  Hope all is going reasonably well and you are cautiously optimistic.

 

I told my husband tonight that he and I have a strange and wonderful relationship...He's strange and I'm wonderful.  Maybe you can use that line on Hub too!!!

 

Lilyann - too funny your response to the GP.  Good thing we no longer believe everything the docs tell us.  Wish I had been a fly on the wall for that visit.

 

Stay with us Dee.  We love you.

 

tech that is freaking awesome you got five hours sleep, even if fitful.  Hope your decision to hold brings more much needed rest.

 

mountaintop The difference between your average guy and Charles Manson is that at least Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

 

[[Li...]]

Tech - I totally get the name thing. As soon as I press reply, I seem to forget all the names. Then I remember that several members now have two names - forum name and given name. I thought about making cheat sheet cards but don't remember where I put the note cards. I know I have some, because I used to be a professor.

 

Welchie - I try to stay super focused to be appropriate in conversations this month. I think mountain mentioned that at ballgames. Sometimes my answers are very short at the moment.

 

You probably would have cracked up with me trying to tell the new GP about my Xanex doctor being arrested (and losing his medical license) and the one I saw in Oct starting some side business and putting patients with a newly graduated nurse who got my diagnosis wrong and did not return a call for two weeks to make an appt for a fungal infection.

 

I gave my doctor history in one big, 2-3 minute whirl. He wants the emails (copies) of the last doc with some health and weight loss thing using the network portal and not in the office with nurse seeing patients.

 

Then, I went to the post office, and a Muslim woman was working at the desk. I've lived lots of places and around a lot of different people, but this is a town of 800 people in the South. We have white people and black people. I only knew one Catholic fam growing up and no Jewish fams etc. So, I thought maybe I was seeing things. I was smelling things last week as a couple may recall. I am pretty sure the woman was real and in a hajib. I will have to go get some stamps and say hi. I think I mainly stared yesterday. Argh. I was probably rude.

 

Really making friends and influencing people this week. Doc thinks the blood sugar is the main issue. Might be part. I am sure w/d is keeping me loopy.

[[We...]]

Lilyann - you ex doc was arrested??  Yikes!!!  What did he do?  And I'm still voting that your blood sugar could be from these crazy benzos.