Under the Rug (Trigger Warning)

[[de...]]

Greetings soul sisters  and bachelor boy JourneyOfMine, who I think should be spared the bullet  because he was gutsy enough to disclose that he  (briefly) had an urge to cut off his ears.  :'(

 

Man, I hope you were being serious because I had an urge to cut off my nose at one point, and your disclosure really comforted me.  I have never had urges like that in my life, and though I no longer feel that way, it really freaked me out at the time.  Have always been too embarressed to disclose. 

 

Wise advice, do not act on bizarre urges. 

 

Maybe you're a reincarnation of Van Gough, and I'm a reincarnation of Schnozzle Durante? 

 

Be prepared for the bloke jokes though, they'll be comin' thick and fast, and not soon enough for me.   

 

Our little troupe is building, and certainly hope you don't think me completely deranged, I find humour, and a (somewhat) ability to observe the absurd powerful tools in getting me through this bloody nightmare.  Without humour I would have been dead in the water years ago. 

 

I have that heightened sense of smell too Welchie, and can smell the scent from a closed packet of incense sitting at the other side of the room. 

 

I'm having trouble remembering all that has been said, but really wanted to get back to this little nook where I feel safe and accepted. 

 

Wanted too, to welcome all newcomers, even if one is a bloke. 

 

The heat really did knock me around, symptoms, and little lizards are frying on the footpath, a break is coming according to the Bureau, we can all do with a break.  And she's a comin'.

 

I am so grateful to you all.  You make me so happy with the way you can laugh in the face of the most humourless beast in existence. 

 

Look at it this way.  Our experience is temporary, benzo beast has to live with itself forever. 

 

Dee

 

[[Jo...]]

Oh, believe me, I was serious. Though, I can see the logic of the delusion. I would make a handsome bigfoot with little ear holes and a continuous mane; I'm already a giant with abnormally long toes.

Do you identify with reptiles?

[[We...]]

Dee There you are!!!  I was getting worried.  Bloke jokes    Jury is still out on the bullet....but he may have to take a little roasting and ribbing.  I think he is up to the task and may give us a merry run for our money.

 

Journey - The philosophy of all bachelor's: The only place you'll find a committed man is in a mental hospital.  Hey - we're all at least half way there anyway.

 

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with benzo belly and a bald head and still think they're sexy.

 

OK  chaos, confusion, mayhem, my work here is done.  Very glad you are alright Dee.  Stay hydrated.  I'll be shoveling an 18" snowstorm this weekend.  Brrrr.  Will send you some in the mail.

[[mo...]]

Hey Dee! Glad you're ok! Hey new people! I am hanging in there last night but cut 10% last night so not sure which end is up. No one cut anything off their heads please!! I'll be in Hawaii until further notice... with my oatmeal heat pack around my shoulders I made it myself it smells really good. 

 

On the freedom trail... Looking for an underground railroad. 

[[de...]]

My dear sisters, Welchie, mountaintop, rabbit, and all.  Needed to get back to tell you how much I care.  You have kept me safe, you have kept me smiling.

 

Also wanted to give journey a run for his money  in that I identify (moreso) with class Amphibia, particularly the Eastern Banjo Tree Frog (aka Pobblebonk) 🐸 mentioned extensively on the site, Backyard Buddies. 

 

This delightful little frog makes the sound of a Banjo string being plucked.  And I so like Bluegrass. 

 

This site is in no way connected with BB, but the frogs it describes are sympathetic to our plight, as we to theirs, having suffered, as us, the ignominy of pollution.  :'(

 

Also identify with class Amphibia, as when in early WD my toes splayed electrically, and resembled the toes of a frog.  One toe jumped uncontrollably, but that's another Class, the One Toed Sloth  who not as close to my heart as the mighty Banjo, still holds a place, as I recall being unable to move. 

 

I think that reptiles have been given a bad press and do like them, as they too, remind me of the days when I crawled on my belly to the bathroom.

 

All creatures great and small.  I love 'em all. 

 

Fear not mountaintop that phase of this (sometimes) nightmare is over.  I like my nose.  And besides, I need it.  💦🌊🌹

 

Have a great time in Hawaii, I can smell your oatmeal heat pack from here, and it smells beautiful.

 

Dee 🐸

 

Edit:  We also have a "bush poet", Banjo Paterson (1864-1941), for whom I've always held a soft spot.  See, "The Man from Snowy River".  Sentimental Australian.  Warrior, too.

 

 

 

 

[[Jo...]]

Welchie - I was "committed" to my taper. I treated her like a lady, without so much as a lewd look at my stash.    I'm about to get close to a foot of snow, happy shoveling to us! Remember to keep warm, it's going to be freezing here early next week.

Hey, any of you guys get that that 'creepy bugs under your scalp' feeling along with the hair loss?

Yes. I more and more frequently felt a lose hair on my forehead and kept brushing it away. When it was still there after I shaved my head, I knew. I feel it right now thinking about it.

 

Hi mountain, have fun in Hawaii!

 

Deadwood one - You have a great sense of humor, keep on keeping on.

[[de...]]

I'm not laughing jom.

 

It seems you don't 'get' irony. 

 

 

 

[[We...]]

Dee - Very glad we keep you feeling SAFE in this little nook and will continue to do so.  Keep smiling and joking, my dear friend.  Your sense of humor is truly a rare treasure.

 

mountaintop - you are really tooling down the road with your taper!!!  Bring us each back a bottle of sand when you get back from Hawaii...next year.  Maybe bring Hanz back too!!!  I'm getting muscle pain also.  It seems to be one of Klon's particular tortures.

 

The chickens are restless....but indeed, we have each other's backs.

 

 

 

 

[[mo...]]

Good morning lovelies. I slept in today and so good to hear from you both. I have no idea what happened on this thread but many things get past me these days for sure.

 

Dee- so glad your spirits are up. Salt of the earth you are.

 

Welchie- Thank you dearly for your positivity will definitely bring you some sand back. And Hanz! Lol

 

Glad we are in each other’s safety. I’m blown away I have low symptoms today  this gives me more comfort in you jumping Welchie I think you can do it. I would try if not for the kiddos. Will keep plugging away....

 

Appreciate you both. 

[[We...]]

mountain - that is so fantastic you are low sx.    When I jump soon, it will make me very happy to be able to report back there were no 'broken bones' and maybe give you all more hope.  Yeah, you have to think of the kids first.  When I was new to this site, I remember your post about making the gingerbread house with the kids for Christmas.  Didn't know you at all then, but actually cried over that post. 

 

My cat is acting very weird.  I think she knows weather is coming.  And it's a full moon too.  So I expect it brings out all the crazies.  My husband, who is very protective of me (I don't think he has figured out yet he needs protection from me) is ready in the wings with his trusty snowblower that looks like a Sherman tank.

 

I don't want to die from benzos.  When I die, I want to die like my grandfather - peacefully, in my sleep.  Not screaming like all the other passengers in his car.

 

Hope everyone else is doing ok too!!!

[[up...]]

Hanging in. Making it through the drop to 6 mg fairly well.

 

You ladies are hilarious!! 🤣

[[We...]]

Hey Rabbit - Glad to hear you took to the 6mg V ok.  Step by step.  Are you cutting every two weeks by 1mg?  Sorry, once I get on the post, I can no longer see the signatures :  )

 

He who laughs, lasts!!!

 

[[de...]]

Good morning soul sisters, whatever would I do without you? 

 

Didn't get much sleep last night, but am back, true to form.

 

I so loved your, "he who laughs last, lasts", Welchie.    True genius, and maybe new name for our thread mountaintop, but could we make it "she who laughs last, lasts". 

 

I am taking my daughter to the Art Gallery of NSW today to see an exhibition Masters of modern art from the Hermitage.  Monet, Cezanne, Matisse, Picasso, Gauguin, Kandinsky, and more.  It will be so good to see some real art, so much garbage around these days.  Like bad graffiti, only the tag, nothing else. Whatever happened to the cultured mind? 

 

It was her birthday early January, but she has been in hospital for the past four months and this our first time to celebrate.  She is doing really well and has more curry in her little finger than I have in my entire body.  She is really excited, as am I. 

 

I went to the garden gate this morning to have a cigarette as am trying to cut back.  I was reflecting on my life, and feeling sad. 

 

Then, miraculously, three Lorikeets (beautiful, colourful birds) came and sat beside me on the fence for some time, and highly unusual for them to sit so close.  It was so very comforting.  We talked for a while, and then they flew away.  But THEY believed me, as no-else does, only sisters and buddies here.  Talk to a lorikeet, I say.  They get it. 

 

And as they winged it, like us, they chased the pigeons away, just as we will with the benzos and all other crap that soils our shoes or minds.  Pigeons, flying rats I call them them, ugh! 

 

Fly little lorikeet, fly. 

 

And they flew straight to their home in the grevillea, full of honey.  And that's where we're going to land sisters, the land of milk and honey, benzo free. 

 

Dearest rabbit I am so glad you made the drop to 6mgs "fairly well", we'll get their little sister, just you wait and see.  Time, IS on our side rabbit. 

 

We love you rabbit. 

 

I love my sisters all.

 

Dee

 

 

 

 

[[We...]]

No, dear Dee, whatever would we do without you.    Your bird friends...surely they are a sign from the angels that all is truly well in your world.

 

I like the curry content of your daughter's little finger - sounds like she takes after her mom.  That's one hell of a long stay in a hospital.  But she is out and about now.  Hope all is well with her and you two enjoy your outing.  Sounds like a wonderful day.  As good as Hawaii - minus Hanz.  Poor Hanz, doesn't know which way to go...New England, Australia, Hawaii??  He is in demand.

 

I am thankful for laughter too....except when the milk comes out of my nose.  :  )

 

 

[[de...]]

Oh, Welchie, have just returned from the Art Gallery and read your post, then promptly burst into tears.  We had a great day, the art overwhelming, powerful in its beauty. 

 

We had lunch under the trees in a park opposite, then, after seeing the art the trees took on a whole new meaning, and looked like art itself. 

 

My daughter loved it, which was great to see. She is a good water colourist, but does not believe in her talent.  She has really stabilised, and doing so well.  I am so very proud of her. 

 

My daughter has schizophrenia Welchie, her father, a physicist, has a variant of it himself and went nuts early in his career.  We are no longer married, but remain in contact.  He is a good man. 

 

I just got stuck with garden variety anxiety and depression, and a battle with the booze and benzo's.  Well, we'll see about that because I'm making my move.  The King will fall.  Yay, liberty. 

 

I am so very grateful to our public health system, without which my daughter would be lost with only me to care, and I'm not travelling all that well with this benzo WD, which no-one understands, or cares to enquire.  Except for the lorikeets, that is.  They were like little angels Welchie, they were on my side.  They are on our side sisters, I'd could tell. 

 

I rarely talk about my symptoms here, generally just bat on and read of other people's experiences with which to judge my own.  I was laughing to myself on the bus coming home when I started singing (in my head) that Frank Sinatra song, "I did it my way", but changed the words to, "Symptoms, I've had a few....".  Fair dinkum, I need certifying, but it did make me laugh. 

 

Well I'm down to 1.25mg valium and will be dropping to 1mg in about a week.  Crumbs, can I do this thing?  I certainly hope so, it has been nightmarish, but the prize is in sight and I want it bad.  There will be me, and only me.  "Reality, what a concept." 

 

I am very tired, and I rave.  Just wanted to get back to thank you so, and sisters all. 

 

We will never be defeated, except of course if you hear me singing Frank Sinatra out loud.  Then you can shoot me. 

 

I love you all.

 

Dee

 

 

 

 

 

[[We...]]

Hopefully it was a 'good' cry.  Sometimes when I cry I actually feel better. 

 

Your daughter sounds like a real trooper, and a sensitive soul.  She will be in my prayers too.  Water colors are a master's medium.  I do oil painting and you can slop around in it, scrape it off the canvas and start over, paint over stuff...but water colors...you have to be really good.  Most people think it's the opposite.  Sounds like you had an absolutely lovely day and I could picture it clearly.

 

But maybe hooting Frankie out loud on the bus will be a sure sign of returning to a very good place.  I'm counting the days down with you.

 

We're getting slammed with that nor'easter.  No birds to be seen anywhere.  But I 'adopted' a chipmunk that lives in our stone wall and give him some walnuts.  Husband says...Great, we're gonna have 300 pound chipmunk ringing our back doorbell.  Poor chip is buried in snow today.

 

Havn't jumped yet but whittling down the dose fairly rapidly every couple/few days.  When I wave goodbye to benzos I'll be sure to use all my fingers.  Then again, maybe I'll just use one.  : )

 

 

[[de...]]

In keeping with the initial intent of this thread, my hair used to cry, but is now much happier.  My appetite is improving.

 

I did get that "creepy, crawly, feeling under my scalp Welchie.  Also a feeling that I had an anvil on top of my head. 

 

Do you think mountaintop might be right Welchie?  Maybe we do need to change the name of our thread?  Looks to be only you and I, and mountaintop.  People come and go, and as it should be, just don't want to lose contact with the Three Musketeers. 

 

I get terribly embarressed when I start waxing lyrical making no reference to hair or weight loss. 

 

I dunno, I just enter the 'zone' and my fingers won't stop typing.  I blush, later. 

 

I give my support to all women here.  These women are often the sole parent, kids to school, trying to run house and home, and going through this crap at the same time.  I take my hat off to them all. 

 

Keep whittling Welchie, keep whittling. 

 

Dee

 

[[We...]]

Maybe we should start one called The Home Run.  Or.. The Home Stretch, since we're getting close to the finish line???  Maybe mountaintop and others weigh in and we'll see what comes of it.  Any ideas, Rabbit?

 

 

[[ea...]]

Wow. This is truly a great thread. Wish I had found it sooner than now. I believe women are the stronger sex. We deal with everything, and we are expected to DO everything, and do it right.

 

You ladies are right on track. Supportive, helpful, and so trying to help your friends. This is the true essence of why BB exists. A forum where people can get informed, get support and OFFER support.

 

 

Over the years I have noticed how much more women are affected by BWD. Men do sufer, yes. But women seem to be morew prone toi real problems from benzos.

 

 

I a[p[lud you ladies for the wonderful love you send out to each other. I wish you guys had been here when I started my opwn journey!!!

East

 

[[We...]]

aaawwww!!  Thanks east!!  We've had a few good laughs here.  And a few good cries.  Lots of good hugs.  You're so right, that is what it's all about.  The women posting here are awesome (includes you!!) and I have grown very fond of all.  They have gotten me through some really tough times.  I've even grown fond of Hanz.  Wherever that rascal is.

 

You think it hits women harder??  I've wondered about that.

 

Maybe we should just keep plowing along here.  Like I said, we have to talk about something while waiting for the hair and saddlebags to grow back  :  )

[[mo...]]

Hey lovies I’m reading to stay caught up but too tired to type response but I will  all good just had a productive weekend spring cleaning took a lot out of me. Purging things that don’t serve me for the new moon and bought some new crystals to assist with healing and calm. Burnt some sage in my home. Maybe no need to change the name but if so what about The 24k. Love you ladies. 

[[de...]]

Hey soul sisters

 

My computer went down and I'm in soul sister withdrawal. 

 

Need cup of tea and a boomerang to take off the head of the idiot technician who hung up on me.   

 

And she was a woman. 

 

Ha, I worked it out for myself. 

 

Hi east, new soul sister

 

Hi mountaintop.  Inaugural member with life membership.  But only if she wants.. 

 

And my friend Welchie who has always been there for me. 

 

Dee

[[de...]]

My comouter is still misbehaving.

 

D. x.

[[de...]]

east that was so great of you to say, I'm proud of our little thread.  The women here are so supportive, and we always manage a laugh.  Good, kind women, with brains. 

 

As Welchie says, "she who laughs, lasts." 

She says a lot of other funny stuff too, and it helps so much.

 

I've thought about women being being effected (in numbers) more than men.  And this is not meant to diminish the impact benzo WD has had on men, who suffer exactly same painful, horrible, symptoms. 

 

I'm just looking at the numbers and the heavy role women have in caring for kids and all of the domestic tasks we still have to complete.  Many are single mothers. 

 

I'm a mother too, but my kids have grown and the very thought of going through this crap with a baby on my hip sends me into apoplexy. 

 

"Mother's little helper..."

 

I find this thread a comforting place to visit east and hope you find same.

 

Hey, here's my weigh in for possible name change.

 

We keep it as "weight loss and hair loss", but in brackets we put "under the rug" 

 

This way we keep the original intent but open up the chance to look beneath the benzo's and all that exists there.

 

Roll up ladies, quit vacuuming that rug and look beneath.  Bald is beautiful.   

 

Dee

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[We...]]

Good morning all!!  (It's morning in drab NE anyway).  Good for you, Dee, fixing your own computer.  Hopefully she'll keep behaving herself.  Thanks for the hugs, sweetie!!

 

It's ten degrees below zero this morning.  Guess I'll have to 'rug up'  : )  And yes, we are all Larrakins here.  (Hope I'm getting the Aussie slang right!!).

 

When I was in my teens, I had a friend who was Greek and her mother did not speak English.  So this friend teaches me Greek phrases that I thought were just chit chat but were actually insults.  So there I was, thinking I was saying good morning to her mother, but was actually telling her to go stick her head in the toilette.  Naughty friend.

 

Yeah - am in awe of you mountaintop going through this with little ones.  And working.  The love of children can give you superhuman strength.  I haven't smudged in a while (can't open the windows) but I guess now I can 'fess up that I have a heart shaped piece of rose quartz I've been carrying around.  Purging is a great thing too, a positive sign we're ready to accept lots of good new things and making room for them.  I totally get the Feng Shui.  And just the fact you have the energy to do all that....it's gotta be a good sign of healing too.

 

I did not take the Klon last night.  So jump date is today, I guess.  It takes about two to three days for the withdrawal to hit, so I'll just sit tight.  If I get any weirder than usual...know you guys will understand.  Fingers, toes and eyes crossed.

 

Love you guys.