Under the Rug (Trigger Warning)

[[Li...]]

My doctor prescribed pain pills and benzos to most of his patients. I know I asked for something non-addictive, and he wrote me Xanex as needed. I took about one per week. He said it was better to take daily and ward off any anxiety. So, that is one way he roped people in to go back again and again.

 

The arrest was for writing 1000 pain pills to a guy for one month. He said the guy lost the first bottle or something like that. Still, 500/month would be huge. I assume the guy was selling, but he also took so many that he died. Young guy.

 

All the records were pulled by the police with other suspicious cases. I'm not sure I ever got all my records from there.

 

Not sure what the legal outcome was. I do know he lost his medical license. I heard he is now a rep for a drug company. That's a scary thought.

[[We...]]

Very scary.  Too bad that guy died.  How many more suffered at his hands, I wonder.  Way back in the day, there was a weight loss doc locally who prescribed weight loss pills willy nilly, even to skinny people who didn't need them and just wanted the high.  They used to call the pills 'pink lemons'.  Cute.  It landed someone I knew back then in a psychiatric hospital.  He lost his license too.

 

I'm ready for bed.  Notice I didn't say sleep, per chance sleep    But I was just reading Peter Walker's book on PTSD, actually complex PTSD.  Interesting stuff about re-parenting ourselves too.  Lots to think about.  Most PTSD books are about our Viet Nam vets, which is hard for me to relate to.  But this stuff was really hitting home.  I got into this mess caring for a failing elderly father who is basically abusive in his very subtle and insidious way.  Brought up lots of 'stuff'.  In a way I sometimes see this benzo trip as a blessing, really.  It brought lots more enlightenment too, even though I thought I had 'seen and conquered' eons ago.  Nobody can get under your skin more than family...and I'm 60 freaking years old!!!  Through the pain, I feel like I'm finally, truly 'coming home'.  Guess it's my turn to be maudlin. 

 

Good night everybody.  Hope we all get some much needed rest...

[[Li...]]

I hope you did sleep. I got seven hours and only got up once last night. Forgot how it felt to sleep normal hours. The new doc and this thread (the supportive and funny people) helped a lot. Thanks.

 

 

[[We...]]

Lily...Yay for 7 hours sleep!!!  So glad your new doc is helping you feel more...safe?  grounded?  Just knowing one more person is in your corner can really help.  This thread helps me a lot too.  But I'm getting really worried about Dee.  Dee?  You still out there?  Maybe she did run off with Benny...

 

I must have jinxed myself in the sleep department, getting cocky.  Last night was not so great, but got some shut eye.  I guess benzo never sleeps and is at me 24/7, a tireless bully.  I'm pushing through today with the basics...laundry, washing the kitchen floor, taking a shower.  I remember when all those things were beyond me.

 

Feeling like I'm getting hit with a wave that is not like the others I'm used to and wishing I could slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.

 

I managed to lose a couple of the pounds I put back on.  Aaarggh.  I'm so skinny I should be hanging from a charm bracelet at this point.  If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.  Mostly.

[[mo...]]

Just poking in to say hi, feeling like a wore out dish cloth. And to look for Dee. Hope you are hanging Dee, you’re a strong one! Just type a letter or send an emoji to tell us how you’re feeling like at the doctor office. Hugs to all. 

[[...]]

Dee, 1 mg sister! Thinking of you on this interesting ride. 💖

 

Where in Oz are you? I spent a bit of time in the northwest many years ago. Windjana Gorge and Kimberleys.

[[te...]]

Hope everyone is ok.

Sending my thoughts to all.

lisa

[[de...]]

Good morning my sisters,  ❤️️

 

Just a quick note to let you know I am still in the land of the living.

 

My two children and my ex husband are coming over today for belated Christmas get together.  My

ex husband is a bit of a fruit cake, but we are still on good terms.  The only thing we did right I think in (still) trying to be civilised for the sake of the children. 

 

Yesterday spent cleaning and shopping for supplies, and today is the big day.  I'm anxious.  Oh well. 

 

Day 4 on 1mg v and it's kicking back a bit, but handling it.  Still feel weird.  The hives are abating thank goodness as went into a bit of health anxiety and thought I might have some rare skin disease.  Groan. 

 

How you going Welchie?  I've had no chance to stay in touch but have thought of you often. 

 

And sila, how are you managing on 1mg?  I hope you are managing, still. 

 

Mountaintop.  PeacefulHope, Annie, tech, and all. 

 

Made the mistake of buying prepared potato salad, didn't have the wherewithal, and it looks and tastes shite.  . Too late to prepare a good one.  Besides I don't have any potatoes. 

 

See you tomorrow. 🚀

 

Always with love and gratitude.

 

Dee

 

 

 

[[We...]]

Dee!!! So glad you are ok!!  Women's rule of thumb, Dee...if it has tires or testicles, you're gonna have trouble with it.  Have a fun day.  And hey - ex should be glad you're not poisoning the potato salad.

[[...]]

Dee, so glad to hear news from you 💖

 

I’m on day 3 of 1 mg v. Doing ok. Not ideal but ok. Just got back from the gym. Exercise helps keep me sane. Jogged for an hour on the treadmill.

[[mo...]]

Dee! I’m proud of you getting the where with all to do all of that. I haven’t cut since last week and I’m trying to figure out how dinner will be made. I’ve learned through this that we do what we can. I suppose you would need a potatoe or two to make potatoe salad. Don’t worry about it, maybe someone else can chip in and bring some? We can’t do everything on our own. It is a village. And we are healing. Glad you are ok and hope the get together is nice for all of you.

[[mo...]]

Too funny Welchie! You have enough humor for both of us! Sila you are so lucky I can’t break a sweat else I’m awake all night can only walk. But that’s something right? Grateful.

[[Li...]]

Dee - You are so right about potato salad from the store. A sandwich would be the best they would get here at the moment though. Tapering has messed with my cooking skills big times. I had crunchy black eyed peas last week, and I did soak them overnight. Still puzzling that one over.

 

Mountain - My family is originally from the mountains, but I am now in the middle of our state so kind of level with some rolling mini hills. As I read the entire thread, you mentioned a lot of things that are familiar.

 

Welchie - I hope you are feeling better. I am going in and out. After that seven hours sleep, I felt very good. Now, in the afternoon, I don't feel as great. I guess it will take a while to level out after I went full tilt this month. I'm steady at .5 though, so I'm happy about that. I'm not skinny, so the 11 lbs is not missed. 

[[We...]]

Another husband joke...I think my husband knows how to change the roll of toilette paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

 

What the heck, he does dishes...but when he's done, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

[[Pe...]]

I hope you did sleep. I got seven hours and only got up once last night. Forgot how it felt to sleep normal hours. The new doc and this thread (the supportive and funny people) helped a lot. Thanks.

 

   

[[Pe...]]

Hope everyone is ok.

Sending my thoughts to all.

lisa

 

Backatcha Tech!   

[[te...]]

Morning peaceful hope

Well not good sleep but keep keeping on . I hope you are well in this crazy roller coaster . Nobody believes that this could be real except everyone here . Thanks for being here

Lisa

[[Pe...]]

Morning ladies,

Am doing okay here in the freezing DELMARVA area, hope everyone has a calm, easy, symptom free day. 

Dee, so glad the hives are abating.  hope your visit goes well. 

 

Welchie, howse the jump treating you?  Tech you managing ok? Mountain. Lily, Annie, Sila, you guys hanging in there?

 

Lots of love coming your way,

-PH 🌷

[[Pe...]]

Morning peaceful hope

Well not good sleep but keep keeping on . I hope you are well in this crazy roller coaster . Nobody believes that this could be real except everyone here . Thanks for being here

Lisa

 

Definitely got your back on the 'reals', Tech. None of this is a walk in the park (unless one is .. walking in the park  )

Thanks for being here with us, keep the faith - we'll get off this stuff 

🌷 🌷

[[We...]]

Dee and sila - very happy to hear you two muchachas are holding okay at 1mg.  Rock on!  Re ex hubby, Dee...fruitcakes and Christmas...a winning combination!!  No white Christmas for you, I guess.  The only time my house gets cleaned is when I know company is coming.  Happy your hives have calmed a bit.  Victory dance!!!  Hope your daughter is well too.  sila...am in awe that you can do and hour on the treadmill

 

lily That's great you got some sleep!  It goes a long way.  I'm going in and out too.  It used to be mornings were the worst.  Lately it's become 'the afternoon drag', but no bad.  Nothing that can't be dealt with.

 

Me and tech here are getting hit with a 'polar vortex' which means it's cold and damn cold.  Minus 20F with wind chill.  tech...last night while drifting off to sleep I kept hearing sounds like gunshots from the cracking freeze.  Did you hear any of that?  No walks in the park for us today!  Stay warm.

 

Peaceful and mountain - you two sound like you're holding the line. Annie - wherever you are, hope all is well.  Thoughts and heart are with you always.  Don't forget...marriage is where one person is always right and the other one is the husband.  My poor Hub...he's a long suffering bastard!!!

[[up...]]

I’m here and hanging in as usual. I think I might have that part down. 

I think my last post got lost in the shuffle or the bustle of this thread.  It certainly wasn’t very long so that’s not surprising. Duh.

 

So, I went down to 4 mg V (equivalent to 0.2 of my nasty ol Klonopin) so it’s time to start sloooowly tapering at this point. I saw a real glimmer of hope with my back when I was hanging at 7 mg for more than a week so I’m going to see if hanging here gives my back a break and allows me to take walks. I really would like some exercise but it’s not to be for now.

 

How is everyone feeling? Welchie, Dee, Mountain, PH, Sila, Lilyann and tech?? Did I get that right? I did that off of memory only. Woo hoo. I think you gave your name tech. Now I looked down. Lisa.

 

  to ALL.

[[mo...]]

Good morning all! Welchie, Dee,, PH, Annie, Lisa, Sila, Lilyann... I hope I got everyone. I see so many things I want to comment on then I get to typing and tumble weeds are blowing in my brain ha.

 

Too funny about the crispy pees I get it my cooking has gone to crap too. I messed up my specialty which is baked Mac and cheese not sure how I did that? 

 

Dee I hope the lunch and potatoe salad went over well.

 

Welchie hope you’re ok.

 

Tech glad you got some rest.

 

Looks like I’ll be holding a few weeks I’ve been up and down back and forth and wrong side out so I need to stableize. Not so much anxious during the day but woke on the night with some sort of anxiety. I did an exercise I read about where you name what your five senses are taking in “I hear my heater running, the rain outside, the clock buzzing” etc. Then I went back to sleep- that was weird! Hey we are all healing and everything is good. Everyone be grateful for the little things. I’m grateful for all of you and that Welchie started this thread. We are our own little world of understanding. 

[[mo...]]

I’m here and hanging in as usual. I think I might have that part down. 

I think my last post got lost in the shuffle or the bustle of this thread.  It certainly wasn’t very long so that’s not surprising. Duh.

 

So, I went down to 4 mg V (equivalent to 0.2 of my nasty ol Klonopin) so it’s time to start sloooowly tapering at this point. I saw a real glimmer of hope with my back when I was hanging at 7 mg for more than a week so I’m going to see if hanging here gives my back a break and allows me to take walks. I really would like some exercise but it’s not to be for now.

 

How is everyone feeling? Welchie, Dee, Mountain, PH, Sila, Lilyann and tech?? Did I get that right? I did that off of memory only. Woo hoo. I think you gave your name tech. Now I looked down. Lisa.

 

  to ALL.

 

Lisa what have you tried for your back? Soak in a bath, hot and cold packs? I used to do yoga for back pain but with this my back and other sore muscles just laughs at yoga. It’s incredible how impervious the pain is. And I refuse to take anything. I’m kind of in the same boat I want to walk today but I’ve been so fatigued and weak the last few days. May just try to do a half mile today and see how that goes. Exercise is so important when our bodies will allow.

[[up...]]

I’m here and hanging in as usual. I think I might have that part down. 

I think my last post got lost in the shuffle or the bustle of this thread.  It certainly wasn’t very long so that’s not surprising. Duh.

 

So, I went down to 4 mg V (equivalent to 0.2 of my nasty ol Klonopin) so it’s time to start sloooowly tapering at this point. I saw a real glimmer of hope with my back when I was hanging at 7 mg for more than a week so I’m going to see if hanging here gives my back a break and allows me to take walks. I really would like some exercise but it’s not to be for now.

 

How is everyone feeling? Welchie, Dee, Mountain, PH, Sila, Lilyann and tech?? Did I get that right? I did that off of memory only. Woo hoo. I think you gave your name tech. Now I looked down. Lisa.

 

  to ALL.

 

Lisa what have you tried for your back? Soak in a bath, hot and cold packs? I used to do yoga for back pain but with this my back and other sore muscles just laughs at yoga. It’s incredible how impervious the pain is. And I refuse to take anything. I’m kind of in the same boat I want to walk today but I’ve been so fatigued and weak the last few days. May just try to do a half mile today and see how that goes. Exercise is so important when our bodies will allow.

 

Mountaintop- It is me Annie. I think my posts are invisible!  We have a lot in common so don’t forget me mountain.    Even our cycles are close together.

[[up...]]

Oh I get it. I looked down to remember tech’s name and it looked like I signed it. Duh.