Under the Rug (Trigger Warning)

[[We...]]

Rabbit - been there with ex.  I feel for you.  Here's a legal term....most men are encumbered by a penis. 

 

There are many people, my ex included, that confuse control with having a relationship.  That's the only way they can feel good about themselves, is to 'lower' those around them.  Indeed, play your cards close.  I'm sure you know not to buy into it.  But not a very happy place to be while trying to recover from benzo.

 

My husband is a genuinely good guy, despite the encumbrance,  : )  but it took me 50 years of assholes to find him.  A huge part of my benzo recovery was/is flushing out the remaining toxicity instilled into me my others, especially family of origin, and subsequent relationships that were based on that original toxicity.  Stuff I thought I had resolved a long time ago.  All this is really teaching me true self-love and self-respect etc.  And all that other sh..t has no place in my life anymore.  It was like...there's no place left for it to hide.

 

Lots of extremely difficult lessons this last year.  Spent many months buying every book I could lay my hands on about malignant narcissists, sociopaths (Martha Stout is a good start) and energy vampires (Christianne Northrup).  Yeah.  I learned a lot.

 

That's what started me on the benzos last year - dealing with my 93 year old failing father and family of origin for a year and a half before that.  Dude, it all came rushing back in spades, a nightmare on wheels.  All kinds of feelings and memories, like... thousands...

 

I still believe the path we are on with the benzos is much much more than the benzos, if you all know what I mean.

 

And I believe with everything I got, that you will come out so much stronger.  We're being forged in a fire that forces us to heal everything.

 

And hey...just tell him you're out of estrogen and you have a gun  :  )

 

Seriously, though, thanks for sharing what you're going through.  Sorry I rambled.  But Welchie is still in the boxing ring.  My heart is with you, big time.

 

 

[[de...]]

That's the way to go rabbit, I've seen a few like him in my day, and yes, you do need to tell your story.  This is what soul sisters do, we tell our story, and support each other, in our stories.  We've been there (at least I have), and I know.  I reckon other sisters, too. 

 

Tell him zip rabbit, jeez, it's burning my bunions just thinking about it  , brings back memories of "arseholes I have known", and when I write the book it will be long tome.  One chapter dedicated to the mighty rabbit. as the freedom rider. 

 

Make sure he doesn't see any of these posts, and play your cards right, just as you are.  Slowly maintaining your taper, soul sister support and onwards you push to freedom. 

 

Tell us if he does anything dickheaded.  We've got your back. 

 

I'm tapering Valium rabbit.  Currently 1.25 dropping to 1mg in 4 days.  I thought it was 3, but just counted my pills.

 

"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle".   

 

Don't misinterpret me, I know there are good men out there, but obviously not the jerk you are married to. 

 

As soon as you said, "mean, mean, streak" I got the picture. 

 

Sisterhood is powerful.

 

Dee

[[de...]]

Our posts crossed again. 

 

We're with you rabbit. 

 

Dee x

[[de...]]

I so feel wanna cryin'  :'(

 

D.x

 

 

[[up...]]

Welchie- What you’re talking about makes perfect sense. Perfect sense.    I’ve read up on malignant narcissism et al for several years. I have a long history of being drawn to them due to my family of origin issues. My husband’s behavior is way more covert (but actually more disabling) than my one prior abusive relationship. It’s a trip and alarming how it crept in slowly but steadily. I found a perfect book called “Why Does he do That” by Lundy Bancroft. It opened my eyes.

 

“We’re being forged in a fire that forces us to heal everything”...so true. I’ve seen the true peace and joy available to me because of my suffering. It’s a beautiful thing. With the support of all of you and that, I stay strong and carry on. I keep on keeping on. The end and the beginning are coming my way! 

[[up...]]

That's the way to go rabbit, I've seen a few like him in my day, and yes, you do need to tell your story.  This is what soul sisters do, we tell our story, and support each other, in our stories.  We've been there (at least I have), and I know.  I reckon other sisters, too. 

 

Tell him zip rabbit, jeez, it's burning my bunions just thinking about it  , brings back memories of "arseholes I have known", and when I write the book it will be long tome.  One chapter dedicated to the mighty rabbit. as the freedom rider. 

 

Make sure he doesn't see any of these posts, and play your cards right, just as you are.  Slowly maintaining your taper, soul sister support and onwards you push to freedom. 

 

Tell us if he does anything dickheaded.  We've got your back. 

 

I'm tapering Valium rabbit.  Currently 1.25 dropping to 1mg in 4 days.  I thought it was 3, but just counted my pills.

 

"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle".   

 

Don't misinterpret me, I know there are good men out there, but obviously not the jerk you are married to. 

 

As soon as you said, "mean, mean, streak" I got the picture. 

 

Sisterhood is powerful.

 

Dee

 

I didn’t see the last post until now.

 

lol Dee! Humorous indignation to the rescue. And you know what I mean too. What a relief is to have you all. I should have confided in you ladies much sooner. Dee...I can feel and channel your words right now into a sense of empowerment. I’ll get there! Thank you soul sisters for having my back!!

[[up...]]

I so feel wanna cryin'  :'(

 

D.x

 

It’s okay. You’re so sweet! 

[[We...]]

Well said, Dee.  It's burning my bunions too!!    Rabbit - am ordering that book by Lundy Bancroft tomorrow.  Can never learn too much.  I agree...it's the covert ones that are the most dangerous and disguised.  And people think your nuts trying to explain exactly what they do.  That's a lonely path too.

 

Indeed, The Mighty Rabbit!!  Ferocious Freedom Fighter!!

 

Dee, sending prayers to all as always, but special one for you also tonight for your upcoming step on the freedom trail, angel girl. 

 

Good night everybody.  Or should I say...good tossing and turning for about five or six hours, if lucky  : )

[[de...]]

"I so feel wanna cryin'  :'("

 

I regressed rabbit and lapsed into my working class lingo, like I was a little girl again, remembering the pain. 

 

Welchie is so right when she talks of that which lies (for many of us) beneath the benzo's.  I sometimes think I haven't enough time left to sort through it all, but hey, better than staying interminably trapped with not even the scent of freedom. 

 

I love, "We're being forged in a fire that forces us to heal everything."  Thank you for that Welchie.

 

To begin, I could not tell whether your husband was physically violent, or an arsehole sociopath, and you can have the combination.  I've lived both, though the father of my children, neither, and a good man. We are no longer married.  I am a Pisces, so I guess I'm the fish without a bicycle. 

 

There was a good resource, "Aftermath Radio", headed by Dr. Robert Schug, and broadcast out of the University of California, I think, which I accessed often.  It dealt with sociopathy, and how to cope.  It no longer broadcasts, but archives still exist. Don't know how I stumbled on it here in Australia, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

 

So glad you came forward rabbit.  So glad we have each other.  ''Tis rare. 

 

Dee

 

Edit:  Aftermath Radio dealt with 'psychopathy', but 'sociopathy' came up often. 

 

D.

 

[[de...]]

Our posts crossed again.  We in are in sync. my sisters. 

 

D. 

[[We...]]

Know what you mean, Dee.  Will I have enough time left to sort it all out?  Most days wish I could cry, but can't for some reason.  Am coming to full terms with a lot of things.  Where it led me???  Love my self.  Over and over that is where this maze leads.  Love myself.  It always gets back to that.    Yes, so so so very glad we have each other.

 

Hey Rabbit - you have an escape plan lined up?  I'm assuming he's not physically violent or you'd be gone already.  But someone beating down your soul can maybe be worse.  (Not to downplay physical abuse).  Sometimes a 'no plan yet' mode is the way to go for a while.

 

Was awake all of three hours this morning...now back to bed.  Aarrggh!  It's all good.  It's all healing going on.

 

 

[[Pe...]]

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to leave an update.  I hope everyone is managing well today and feeling better. 

 

I had a great appointment with my PDOC - I've had terrible anxiety about this session since October, mainly because it took her 4 days to respond to me after I cut my pill and I felt not only ignored but truly neglected. I got the info I needed from BB & Bella Amis immediately about my options including reinstatement after a two day freakout with d/r. 

 

I wanted to update because every time I hear something positive about this crazy thing we're going through - like another  benzo wise PDOC  - I feel it's cause to cheer.  I always draw hope and more confidence from these moments, and hope you all can too.

 

She's aware of the insidious nature of the benzo, the fact that "reputable" organizations with websites pass out haphazard or plainly wrong information like rapid taper.  She also knows there is a high majority (her words) of people who need lengthy tapers to get off certain benzos, including lorazepam.  And while I would rather plunge into an icy river than take another pill, she offered to reinstate zoloft at the end of my taper if I felt I needed it. I won't.    Ever. Again.

 

Additionally, my rheumatologist is wising up as well.  Hs is a wonderful doc, and I adore him. He peppered me with great questions about the process & various sxs, liquid taper and how it's done, when I saw him recently; also mentioned he now offers MMJ referrals for his patients. He and several employees have someone in their life suffering on a benzo. 

 

None of this is perfect. It's in its infancy so there is a long way to go.  But what we're going through, friends, is not for nothing -- immense good will come of it, starting with us - we are that Good.

 

Love to all,

PH 🌷🌷

 

[[We...]]

Peaceful - nice to hear more docs are becoming savvy and that you had a good appointment with PDOC.  Nice you got to put your two cents in with the rheumatologist and educate along the way.  We just have to keep shouting it out.  Maybe all this wailing and hooting and hollering and gnashing of teeth is getting the word out after all.

 

I'm curious, though, does you Rheumatologist  have anything to say about Vitamin D?  Someone on another thread mentioned Vit D and recommended a book which I bought because I have bone density issues and D levels were low.  And I'm an information junkie.  Anyway, the guy has a radical approach - very high dosing.  I read the book last night and a lot of what he's saying about Vit D deficiency sounds just like many withdrawal symptoms: depression, muscle aches...  And hair loss you guys!!!!  I got all excited when I read that!!!

 

So I decided to play it somewhat safe in the middle and just increased fish oil.  I use Green Pasture fermented cod.  Just passing it along....

 

I'm with you in believing something good always comes out of the darkest hours.

 

Too tired to think up anything funny.  Dee, you're going to have to carry the day, girl.   

 

[[up...]]

That is great news PH!

 

I think it is slowly changing. Before I committed to tapering, I had a young doctor at Kaiser who was aware of slow tapers. And the pharmacist at my pharmacy knows about crossover tapers. My doctor is a grumpy numpty but she agreed to help me and has another patient doing liquid titration of Klonopin below 0.25 mg.

 

I think for every few or more doctors who make fun of it and dismiss it, there is maybe one who is hearing about it enough to keep an open mind and listen.

 

All that aside, I’m glad you’re feeling better and hopeful.  What is your plan now?

[[up...]]

Yes, Dee to the rescue with comedic relief!

 

P.S. Dee- Thank you for “burning my bunions!” That was hilarious   

[[de...]]

My bunions are on fire rabbit.  Tried to rearrange Rick Springfields, "I'm on Fire", (in my head), but couldn't get bunion to rhyme with I'm   

 

It's morning here and cortisol is surging, and before I reply to PeacefulHope's inspiring and encouraging message thought I'd  send you a cute, lame joke to start the day. 

 

I love lame jokes, though my sister, the lawyer, reckons they're  not funny.  There is something about lawyers, that's for sure. 

 

I donate to a charity called "Clown Doctors" where doctors get dressed up as clowns (good ones) and go to the wards in the children's hospitals to cheer up the kids, and give them a laugh.  They send me their newsletter from time to time and which always contain a kids'  joke. 

 

Q.  Why is Peter Pan always flying?

 

A.  Because he's neverlanding. 

 

I like this joke, because it never grows old.   

 

Best I can do at this hour rabbit, but it's a start. 

 

Wanted to say, Welchie, that many women do not leave violent partners.  Economic reasons keep them trapped, and fear of reprisal keeps them so.  Unbelievably, domestic violence increases statistically when the woman is pregnant.  Now that's saying something if you ask me. 

 

Well, enough of dickhead blokes, we've got it covered, and will always back each other up no matter what. 

 

Again, I do know there are many, many, good men, and by no means am I a 'man hater'.  Just don't like the ones that hurt good women. 

 

Dee

 

Edit:  I have to leave for the doctor's shortly, but will be back.  She's an disbeliever PH, but this morning am going to try dissuade her.  You girls/women have helped me be able to do this, usually I just stumble out of the surgery defeated.  Thanks. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[We...]]

You go,  Dee.  Tell that doctor who's boss!!!

 

Too funny rhyming bunion...

 

 

[[de...]]

Hey, just remembered John Bunyan wrote, "The Pilgrim's Progress".   

 

Have I got mania, or something?  I'm laughing my head off. 

 

Rock on pilgrims. 

 

Dee

 

 

[[de...]]

It was great to read your post PeacefulHope. 

 

It feels so good to be validated, listened to, and believed.  May more of doctors such as your own grow in their numbers.  It makes me so happy to hear the wheels starting to turn. 

 

Very proud to be part of the grass roots who have endured, and made their voice heard. 

 

Have you done the housework yet?  I ironed a doily. 

 

Dee

 

 

[[Pe...]]

Peaceful - nice to hear more docs are becoming savvy and that you had a good appointment with PDOC.  Nice you got to put your two cents in with the rheumatologist and educate along the way.  We just have to keep shouting it out.  Maybe all this wailing and hooting and hollering and gnashing of teeth is getting the word out after all.

 

I'm curious, though, does you Rheumatologist  have anything to say about Vitamin D?  Someone on another thread mentioned Vit D and recommended a book which I bought because I have bone density issues and D levels were low.  And I'm an information junkie.  Anyway, the guy has a radical approach - very high dosing.  I read the book last night and a lot of what he's saying about Vit D deficiency sounds just like many withdrawal symptoms: depression, muscle aches...  And hair loss you guys!!!!  I got all excited when I read that!!!

 

So I decided to play it somewhat safe in the middle and just increased fish oil.  I use Green Pasture fermented cod.  Just passing it along....

 

I'm with you in believing something good always comes out of the darkest hours.

 

Too tired to think up anything funny.  Dee, you're going to have to carry the day, girl. 

 

Morning Welchie, the rheumie has not mentioned vitamin D. I have osteopenia (should i shout, shuuhhh! Benzo!) but my bloodwork always shows everything normal. I often wonder if normal for some is still a deficiency for me.  I take a D3K2 gummy every morning with Kefir drink and then magnesium. should always have k3 and mag. when you take it,  for absorption.  Guessing the book covered that...  wondering how high is his recommendation for high dosing? it would be nice if my eyebrows came back in and i wasn't wearing a constant witty surprised look ...

 

 

Dee thank your sister-lawyer for sharing the lame joke... it's often the lawyers not the jokes that aren't funny    Funion.  all i could think of to rhyme with bunion.  Sorry I've failed you. Comedy Writers Of America can now fire me for good.

 

Did you tell your doc today more about your experience with benzo? Sometimes I think that bolstering their egos is a good way to go, like, Doc, I acquired this data from a Well Known Respected Doctor at (Hopkins, Mayo,  CDC) - wouldn't it be cool if you were the first in (my area) to share the good word? (and thereby triple your patient load, become published and famous)  Ah well it's a pipe dream I guess.

Dee, when I need something to do, i iron the kitchen towels. or eat a bag of licorice twists.  Only got one doily .  I am doily deficient.

 

Rabbit, I finally caught up to earlier threads and I'm with ya - I gotta message for the dear guy goes like this  :nono: :muscle:      I've only seen Hanz from a distance but I know a guy who knows a guy, nice FAMILY, who could help at a moments notice...just sayin'.  Hope you like pasta and chianti. (I am only kidding of course) 

I have known 2 psycho/socios along the way, one i dated :facepalm: and one is a relative.  NPD is the dx for her although she won't admit it, go figure.  Utterly superior in every way she is, but also takes Klon "it's only 30 a year" she says despite knowing my circumstance she will not heed any warnings. 

 

All that aside, I’m glad you’re feeling better and hopeful.  What is your plan now?

I'm going to start reducing this weekend - the switch to partial liquid at night seems ok if a little less effective ATM.  Gotta get those numbers down. By May I'd be at .5mg    it's a start.

[[We...]]

Good morning everybody!

 

Dee - how did it go at the surgery?  Any luck?

 

And is it true the Aussie slang for an a...hole is freckle???  And what does this mean if one has freckles on their face??? 

 

Couldn't sleep much last night, but I discovered something interesting when I got up wandering....leg shins and knees really are devices for finding furniture in the dark!!!  It works!!!  I ended up watching some of those Amish reruns on TV.  It got me thinking...what do Amish people do when they go wankers?  Wear their black hats backwards?  Wear colored socks? Tell everyone 'thou do sucketh'?

 

I think I finally perfected the 'Einstein look'.  I'm getting squeezed from the jump.  Things are peaking.  Bring it on, Klon.  Still better than when on the 1mg Klon.

 

What got my attention about Vit D was bones actually begin to restructure and heal really old injuries on high doses.  And deficiency causes anxiety, depression, arthritis, muscle aches, COPD, cog fog and schizophrenia, hair loss, insomnia, GI issues.  Sound familiar you guys??  So it got my attention and thought I'd pass it on to my sisters in crime, here.  Book is by Jeff T. Bowles.  Common sense, I suppose...primary nutrients are air, water and sunshine.  Just throwing it out there.  If anyone here is foolish enough to listen to me...start slow.  I only look like Einstein.  Still looking for brain.

 

He also says not to take it before bed cuz it gives you energy...but did dickhead Welchie listen?  Of course not! That may be why insomnia cranked up a couple notches last night. 

 

Aarrgh.  Another day of w/dr peaking.  It's right on schedule.

 

Quote For the Day:  Women who aspire to be equal to men don't have much ambition.

 

 

 

[[de...]]

You have made my day sister girls.  Waking with a laugh is the best medicine, ever.  Thank you.

 

Yes Welchie your a/hole can be described as your freckle  , but you've got to use it selectively, and if you didn't like the person with real freckles you could still lay it on them, and they'd get the message. 

 

It's not used much anymore, but I try to hold the banner high and keep the lingo alive.  I'm liking it because now we're making it international.  Hands across the waters.

 

There is also lolly called a freckle, a round, flat, piece of chocolate with coloured sprinkles on top. 

 

It was very disappointing as a child when, in 1966 we changed to decimal currency and five cents would buy only five Freckles, whereas previously, sixpence would buy six.  Another rip off by the Feds.  The children the first to suffer.  :'(  Wish I had known more about economics back then, just felt ripped.   

 

Your post was hilarious PeacefulHope and wish I had been able to play to my doctor's ego, but was not to be, because when she asked me, "how are you?", and I replied with Welchie's, "diagonally parked in a parallel universe", and she didn't get it, I changed my mind, and just asked her to write the script.  No problems there. 

 

I was tempted to have her produce her credentials.  Maybe it didn't translate into the Vietnamese all that well, idk.

 

I have osteoporosis, and am really interested in the Vitamin D therapy Welchie.  I noticed something interesting in that, when in tolerance, the bones in my lower legs really ached and felt like they might snap after walking a fair distance.  It frightened me because it would be dead set painful to have bones snap.  Since tapering right down, this no longer happens. 

 

I do not tolerate osteoporosis medication with Prolia putting me on my back for ages.  Bruising, unusual bleeding as when having blood tests the blood would flow freely from my vein.  The person who did the test asked me if I were on blood thinners, no I was not.  Still, the doctor said, not possible.  Fortunately I had a good neighbour who witnessed what it did to me. 

 

Well, I have to prepare to go visit my daughter and need to iron an hankie,    you just never know when you're going to cry. 

 

But in my circumstance, today, sista girls they are tears of laughter. 

 

Keep going dear Welchie, it's worth a squeeze to get out of this crap, but don't let it squeeze too hard.

 

I love you all.

 

Dee

 

 

 

[[up...]]

You ladies are hilarious.     

 

PH! - thank you for the support. I will send you and the other ladies after him armed!

PH I’ve been reading on the forum about how the liquid isn’t as effective. That’s enough to throw our poor already battered bodies into a tailspin.

 

To all,

 

I need to order more Magnesium. I’ve been taking one rated high in purity by labdoor

I too am interested in the supplemental Vitamin D! Which do you recommend? And what’s the high dose?

PH: what are the gummies and D3 you take.

 

I need all the help I can get!!

 

Dee- Could your pain be due to tight muscles and tendons due to benzo withdrawal? I had that when I tapered too fast.

 

I’m closely monitoring my symptoms on my recent drop because I don’t want to injure myself simply by walking around! It’s real! 

 

Love you all. I’m hangin in.

 

Annie

[[We...]]

Thanks, dear Dee.  I may have to invest in Depends because once again you had me laughing so hard I almost peed my pants.

Re: docs credentials...I think the more educated they are the more stupid they get and the more suspicious we should be.

 

I will be very selective in the use of freckle. 

 

I've noticed some interesting shifts for the positive since doing Vit D. (have to use Vit K with it).  I have osteoporosis too.  It is pretty bad, so they tell me, and the next stop, sounds like, I'm going to collapse into a pile of bone dust some day soon.  The guy in this book (Jeff Bowles) is saying maybe around 20k iu.  I use Garden of Life.  Check out Vit D deficiency online.  It is enlightening and freaky how close the symptoms sound like benzo.  I know calcium, D and K are all fat soluble.  Benzo is fat soluble.  And the brain loves fats too.  (Healthy ones.)  Just following my Goddess given instincts and having a whack at it. The only dairy I can eat is goat milk...it's more absorbable. 

 

Have a lovely visit with your daughter.  I pray for her too, if you don't mind.

 

Much love to all - back at you.  Although I am concerned Rabbit has grown silent.  You okay, Rabbit?  Really glad to hear your doc is taper savvy.  Grumpy you can live with and can sometimes be endearing.

 

 

[[mo...]]

Hey lovely sisters. Glad everyone is ok. I’m so short on words these days just making it. Sports season is starting here for spring and now I’m on the ball fields a few times a week. At least there’s vitamin D out there. The best part of tapering is trying to appear normal while chit chatting with other parents on the fields when I just want to find a quiet place to curl into a ball. Good times. No brain power to say witty things. Glad you’re making it Welchie I would say no hallucinations is definitely a good sigh.