Under the Rug (Trigger Warning)

[[We...]]

So...another day of polishing the same turd.  Today I'm back to sleep - eat - sleep.  Maybe I'll switch to eat - sleep - eat.  If I don't get out of the house soon I think I shall go stark raving mad!!  A friend is coming over for a visit later.  Hopefully I will be awake.

 

Annie and mountain -  how about a professional massage for the aches (jokes about Hanz aside) Massage can be so relaxing and a great attitude adjuster.  Took a peek at your sig,  Annie.  I'm amazed you took it down from 2mg Klon.  That's a lot of Klon!!  Way to go!

 

My goofy cat asks to go out the front door every morning but she chickened out today because of the extreme cold.  Then she goes to the back door thinking it will be warmer out there.  Then she shoots me a dirty look, like I have control of the weather and am doing this to her on purpose.  My cat the genius.  Takes after me.

 

Maybe we should come up with a sitcom about this - or one of those Oprah type movies that are deeply funny/sad/poignant.

 

Or maybe we could come up with a line of T-shirts for benzo withdrawal.  All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.  Like 'medicated for your safety'.

 

Lily...bottom line on narcs etc...the more crap you put up with the more crap you're gonna get.

[[Li...]]

Hope everyone is having a decent day.

 

I woke up after a night of spinning thoughts feeling like a truck backed over me. Stayed in bed until after noon curled in a ball with several blankets.

 

Annie - I remember you from reading the entire thread but over a couple of days. The message board is not real intuitive. When it jumps to a new page, it gets confusing for those of us currently (or maybe always - LOL) confused. I'm glad the message board is here for sure even if it can be hard to always follow.

 

Welchie - I've mostly had no contact with my mother this month. She finally figured out that I was checking PM messages (sons use it and texts but I don't have a smart phone) on FB. I answered a direct question she sent. She immediately sent three PMs - one about step-dad's health, one about a person in town's health, and one about hers. The next day she wanted to come over here, and I said no. She then wanted me to check in on PM every day. Sigh oh sigh. I have heard the daily sick, dying, and dead report for years.

[[We...]]

Lilyann - I think posts get crossed!!  Good for you for minimal contact for awhile.  Your health is the most important priority for you right now.  And your sanity.  I hope you don't take offense...but she sounds like a trip.  Sounds like if you crack the door just a bit she comes rushing in again.  I'm beginning to realize, in my family dynamics at least, it seems to be all about control in one way or another.

 

I'm going minimal contact with my father right now and basically no contact with the rest of the family.  In a way I sometimes see the benzos as a blessing.  I got really really clear because of them. 

 

In a ball under many blankets is sometimes my refuge   Being run over by a truck must have sucked, though.

 

Hope everyone is muddling through ok!!!

[[up...]]

Welchie- that makes perfect sense! Like you said before, this process requires healing in all areas and it does make things very very clear.

 

Through this suffering, I was able to realize how much I have turned to Narcissists for love because that is what I was used to as a child; And deep down, I unconsciously believed it was what I deserved even when I knew in my head that I didn’t. I am now in the process of healing from this, loving myself and saying goodbye to others in a self loving manner. It’s been so powerful. In this weird way, the suffering of the benzo becomes a blessing.

 

Who would have ever imagined that!?

 

Love to ALL of you!

 

Annie

[[We...]]

Very well said Annie.  Sums it up beautifully.  That's why I sort of 'harp' on the blessings to be had on this journey, even though it's hidden in a dung heap of pain.  It's like there is no place left to hide.  At all.  But I'm beginning to find my true self...and I'm kinda ok with her    It's all good.  Glad you see it the same way too.  It truly is the freedom trail in more ways than one!

[[mo...]]

I’m here and hanging in as usual. I think I might have that part down. 

I think my last post got lost in the shuffle or the bustle of this thread.  It certainly wasn’t very long so that’s not surprising. Duh.

 

So, I went down to 4 mg V (equivalent to 0.2 of my nasty ol Klonopin) so it’s time to start sloooowly tapering at this point. I saw a real glimmer of hope with my back when I was hanging at 7 mg for more than a week so I’m going to see if hanging here gives my back a break and allows me to take walks. I really would like some exercise but it’s not to be for now.

 

How is everyone feeling? Welchie, Dee, Mountain, PH, Sila, Lilyann and tech?? Did I get that right? I did that off of memory only. Woo hoo. I think you gave your name tech. Now I looked down. Lisa.

 

  to ALL.

 

Lisa what have you tried for your back? Soak in a bath, hot and cold packs? I used to do yoga for back pain but with this my back and other sore muscles just laughs at yoga. It’s incredible how impervious the pain is. And I refuse to take anything. I’m kind of in the same boat I want to walk today but I’ve been so fatigued and weak the last few days. May just try to do a half mile today and see how that goes. Exercise is so important when our bodies will allow.

 

Mountaintop- It is me Annie. I think my posts are invisible!  We have a lot in common so don’t forget me mountain.    Even our cycles are close together.

 

Oh dear Rabbit Annie, please charge it to my benzo brain  not my heart ha I’m having a tough time with the dual names I’m usually not good with remeneing one name.  How is the back feeling? I got 2 heat packs from Bed Bath and Beyond only 10 bucks each one for my back one for my neck and they smell like lavender.  I didn’t walk today but will this weekend.

 

Lily I totally get it about limiting contact with family members I’ve had to do the same.

 

Gotta tuck in the kids h everyone is doing ok.

[[Li...]]

Mountain - I had a student do a homemade heating pad for demonstration speech. She put 2 cups of rice in a sock and added 8 drops of essential oil (to the rice beforehand). Tied top of sock with string. Heated for 2 minutes in microwave. Thought I'd pass that along if you are ever in a pinch.

 

Welchie - It seems several family members may be narcissists - the term and what it is. It's really a new thing to me. My mother has always guilt tripped me. It's also like she wants me all to her self, so she drives wedges with other family members. For example, she talked trash about my father my entire life until he died in a vehicle accident. I was thrilled she married again and would be happy. Nope. After about six months, she began talking junk about him (and still does0. This includes even comments about their sex life and now lack of. ARGH! 

 

Dee - You had mentioned herbs. Do you grow your own?

[[te...]]

Morning all , sticking my head out of the hole it’s been in for days .

Been following but just had a few comments . Nothing as interesting as all of you .

Sagging skin sign me up weight lose I think I ok like a boy .

Sending warm wishes to all .

Lisa

[[We...]]

Good morning tech - hope your surviving the cold! Warm wishes back at you and literally too!  Sometimes I feel like I'm starting to look like a boy too!  A one hundred year old boy.  Saggy skin...aarrggh!  And everything you say is important!!

 

Have been sleeping enough, not great, but started dreaming like crazy...weird stuff.  It started about three days after my jump. I take that as a good sign that my brain is healing, REM sleep and all.  How are you sleeping these days, tech?  Getting any relief at all?  Can't see your sig from here...are you holding?

 

mountaintop - That's really cool about the rice...think I'll try that tonight since I have all this basmati rice I can't eat.  Put it to good use!  Hope your current hold is treating you right.  That's awesome that you're able to exercise fairly regularly.  It's important.  I've been using my new elliptical stair stepper and it feels good to be doing something.  Can only do a few minutes at a time but I 'have at it' several times a day.  Great progress relative to being too weak to even sit up in a regular chair!  I take it where I find it. 

 

Lily - sounds like 'divide and conquer' too.  That leans toward Borderline Personality Disorder.  Part of the Cluster B personality disorders....the big 3...sociopath, narcissist, and borderline.  They tendencies tend to blur one into the other.  Common theme...total lack of empathy and bad boundaries.  To name a couple.

 

Dee - hope you are doing well and very well, my friend.  Hope we see you back on the thread real soon.  Warning! Lawyer joke...If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

 

Hugs to all!!!  We made it through another day!!!

[[te...]]

Yes Welchie , I am holding for a couple more days.... I thought I would give my husband a break were its superbowl and all.

He bought me a really expensive lab scale so i can make even smaller cuts daily.

I have gotten better sleep lately. Thanks for asking.

I see you are doing good and still been able to keep your witty ways! Gives everyone hope.

 

[[We...]]

That's funny...giving Hub a break for superbowl!!  And it's sweet he bought you a nice scale.  It's good when we're supported in all ways possible.  My Hub is getting in the habit of calling about mid day to check in and see how I'm holding up.  So glad to hear your sleep is improving a bit.  Sleep goes a long way with managing everything else.  It's 8:00 and I may have to go back to bed for a bit.  Seems 8:00 is always when I need to go back for an hour or so, even if I don't actually sleep.  I used to feel like a real weirdo when I did that but now, hey...it works to get me through another day and just seems to be part of the strange healing cycles.  That old acceptance.

 

OK...I'm still trying to entice Dee back to the thread with lawyer jokes...What do you throw to a drowning lawyer...His partners.

 

(Just a reminder to everyone...my ex was a lawyer.  And, of course, an @hole.) 

[[up...]]

Very well said Annie.  Sums it up beautifully.  That's why I sort of 'harp' on the blessings to be had on this journey, even though it's hidden in a dung heap of pain.  It's like there is no place left to hide.  At all.  But I'm beginning to find my true self...and I'm kinda ok with her    It's all good.  Glad you see it the same way too.  It truly is the freedom trail in more ways than one!

 

Aw. We feel the same. We understand. We are “dung-heap-of-pain-freedom-trail” sisters.   

[[up...]]

Come back Dee! I miss you. 

[[We...]]

Yes, Dee!!  Come back!!  We miss you!!

 

Whatdathink, Annie...maybe the ex-husband poisoned the Christmas potato salad?

[[Co...]]

Hi Ladies, I started a support thread that's got just 2-3 cool chicks on it, mind if we conglomerate? I see Mountain Top (or Moto as I call her) is already here. http://emoticoner.com/files/emoticons/smileys/wave-smiley.gif Would be nice to keep a group going that can get to know each other a bit. http://emoticoner.com/files/emoticons/smileys/camp-fire-smiley.gif Don't wish to intrude though...

 

PS. I still want to lose weight and regrow my hair! http://emoticoner.com/files/emoticons/smileys/laugh1-smiley.gif

[[We...]]

Very cool, Cowchick.  Coolchicks always welcome and you are not intruding at all!!!  I want to grow my hair back toooo!!!  (Somewhere else besides my chin).  Like I said earlier...we have to talk about something while waiting on the hair.  And can I have some of your excess poundage? 

[[Co...]]

How can five fucking hairs come out of ONE mole on my chin, and grow like half an inch a week, yet my head hair gets thinner and grows slower every day! 

 

I would be happy to donate some fat to you. Ugh, I look like a big saggy bed pillow set on its end that squishes down.

 

Okay I will invite the other ladies over and close up the other thread, thanks for the welcome! Everybody calls me Cow, by the way! 

[[We...]]

Too funny!!!  Yes...bring your hearts and your humor!!  It's the only thing that seems to be getting us through...

[[up...]]

Yes yes! The more the merrier. 

 

Welcome!

 

Annie 🙃

[[up...]]

How can five fucking hairs come out of ONE mole on my chin, and grow like half an inch a week, yet my head hair gets thinner and grows slower every day! 

 

I would be happy to donate some fat to you. Ugh, I look like a big saggy bed pillow set on its end that squishes down.

 

Okay I will invite the other ladies over and close up the other thread, thanks for the welcome! Everybody calls me Cow, by the way!

 

Hi Cow! Welcome... 

 

Lol on the hair! . 

 

I’ll take some pounds from you.

 

Annie 🙃

[[Jo...]]

Yes on both!! Hang in there. Your hair shedding is probably telogen effluvium.  It is temporary. Weight loss was very dramatic for me at first. Went 8 days without solid food once. Clothes hanging off me. Then as the receptors start regenerating your body will seek stasis. And your appetite will return.  :)Have faith in the process. Your body knows what to do.

[[Li...]]

Hi Cowchick and Joyatlast. I'm new here - just a few days. Welcome. This is a warm place. Fun too.

 

Welchie - I read one web page on borderline personality. That gave me chills. And, that may be what I am seeing. I will read more on it later. Just trying to process the new idea.

[[Co...]]

Thank y'all!

 

I lost a LOT of weight when I tried to cold turkey a year ago. But during this much slower taper, I've never lost my appetite and have gained from stress eating, loneliness eating, boredom eating, eating during the never-ending sleepless nights ...um, in conclusion: eating! http://emoticoner.com/files/emoticons/smileys/bulbar-smiley.gif

 

As for hair, mine has always been baby fine and thin. I'm pretty much resigned that I am going to be one of those elder ladies with what looks like a stretched out cotton ball on the top of their heads!

[[up...]]

Yes on both!! Hang in there. Your hair shedding is probably telogen effluvium.  It is temporary. Weight loss was very dramatic for me at first. Went 8 days without solid food once. Clothes hanging off me. Then as the receptors start regenerating your body will seek stasis. And your appetite will return.  :)Have faith in the process. Your body knows what to do.

 

Thanks Joy! Googled and found:

 

Telegenic effluvium is a form of temporary hair loss that usually happens after stress, a shock, or a traumatic event. It usually occurs on the top of the scalp. Telogen effluvium is different from the permanent hair loss disorder called alopecia areata.

 

I’d say going from 2.0 mg of K to 0.25 mg K in 2 months was a ”stress, a shock” and “a traumatic event.” 

 

Annie

[[mo...]]

Hey Cow!!! SO good to see you here! I can’t stand all of these amazing women together it’s too much!  Basically I pop in most Days and muster up the energy for a few sentences. Holding for now symptoms are ruthless jerks and refuse to leave. On a brighter note my skin is clearer than ever. The ebbs and flows... This is a good place.