6-12 month thread....

[[mr...]]

Shoo, guys, just think!

 

I've been reading many if the posts, all of us branching out, living life, overcoming, despite how we feel through it...

 

Just think...

 

One year from now, how much better will this be?! Birthday parties, and traveling, and working, and driving, and whatever else...how awesome we'll be able to do and participate in these things?! The LIFE that we're clawing at right now, sheer determined to live it despite symptoms (so proud of all of us!), will come so wonderfully EASY again!

 

Soon, my buddies. Very soon

 

Sending love from a 5-year-old birthday party (whoa!) in a crowded pizza parlor (whoa!) with lots of noises and busyness (waaa-hooo!!)!)

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

Jenny-

I'm so sorry your sweet boys are having a reaction to your new pup! I'm not sure what to do in this situation. I will certainly add you to my prayers.

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Great news, Mrs! Sounds like you are in a very good place both literally and figuratively! Enjoy that party. Your positive attitude is such a blessing and will surely carry you through this journey.

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

I am holding on by my fingernails. I've spoken with lots of trusted advisors and there's no clear way forward. I'm considering trying a new med or quitting my job. I would like to avoid both, but might avoid neither. I spoke with a friend who practices Chinese medicine and I'm trying some formulas prior to starting a pharmaceutical. My mood is a hair better, but I feel really out of it. Though my dr is gone for the moment. Little by little. Feel better, stay out of the hospital, avoid medications - these are my goals.

 

Peace

[[Mo...]]

I am holding on by my fingernails. I've spoken with lots of trusted advisors and there's no clear way forward. I'm considering trying a new med or quitting my job. I would like to avoid both, but might avoid neither. I spoke with a friend who practices Chinese medicine and I'm trying some formulas prior to starting a pharmaceutical. My mood is a hair better, but I feel really out of it. Though my dr is gone for the moment. Little by little. Feel better, stay out of the hospital, avoid medications - these are my goals.

 

Peace

 

Do you have a menstrual cycle due?  Is there any stressor on the horizon?  It's Sunday, so dreading tomorrow?  I see you are searching..  I know you are.  My prayers are going up for you.  For a bridge out of this. 

 

Can you make a list about the pros and cons of quitting? 

Is it possible the meds would make things worse?

 

I absolutely could not be working full time right now.  If I had to wake up and go to work with the sleep deprivation, I'm not sure how I would do.  It colors my day.  Please know we are all with you in this.  I just woke up from a nap afraid benzo brain would take me over.  It's w/d.. More of the same.  I started making my safety plan.  Line up the adults, etc.  You are not alone. 

 

Work might be too much for you right now.   

[[je...]]

Peace, so sorry you are struggling with this. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Jenny

[[Mo...]]

I am holding on by my fingernails. I've spoken with lots of trusted advisors and there's no clear way forward. I'm considering trying a new med or quitting my job. I would like to avoid both, but might avoid neither. I spoke with a friend who practices Chinese medicine and I'm trying some formulas prior to starting a pharmaceutical. My mood is a hair better, but I feel really out of it. Though my dr is gone for the moment. Little by little. Feel better, stay out of the hospital, avoid medications - these are my goals.

 

Peace

 

Peace.. Read this.. It's from the success boards.. a person called lost dog..

 

I have read so many success stories where the person says, I still have a few symptoms but am basically doing fine now. So I wanted to write mine. I have no symptoms at all. I am 100% back to normal, maybe better.

Through all of it I was hoping for some kind of insight into the meaning of life. I thought of ending my suffering so many times but refused to give up because my adult kids still needed someone, even if it was only to talk on the phone once a month. I think I have, however, found greater happiness than before. I appreciate small things like the taste of food, rain, cooking, giving my very old dog a massage. He can’t walk anymore but he can stand so I carry him into the backyard, wait for him to go, then carry him back inside. I would have considered euthanasia before, but I have a new appreciation for life now and he still wags his tail and enjoys French fries so I want him to have as much time as possible.

My speed of thought has increased tenfold in the last two months. My memories are now back and don’t come fluttering out of nowhere like a deck of cards thrown in the wind. My word recall is just as fast, maybe faster, than it was before. I’m no longer sad, or worried, or think about all that’s wrong in the world.

I started Klonopin about 10 years ago at .5mg per night for restless legs syndrome. Gradually I worked my way up to between 3 and 5mg per day. I started having bladder pain and urination problems and asked all the doctors if the Klonopin could be the cause. They all said no and gave me bladder pain drugs and Flomax and said all men my age develop those problems (I was 50). Nothing helped and it continued to get worse. I read everything I could and decided it was a side effect of the drug. I didn’t believe I had overactive bladder and benign prostate metaplasia simultaneously. My options were surgery or quitting the drug so I quit. I tapered for about three months and lost patience, then quit altogether 22 months ago.

Basically everything got worse and worse for about the first three months then leveled off at six months and I didn’t really start making progress until about a year to 18 months. I can’t remember all the symptoms but a few include: Feeling like a time traveler, feeling like I was outside the flow of humanity, obsessive thoughts, constant suicidal ideation, I didn’t sleep at all or in 20 minute periods for about six months. I am not religious in any way, nor do I believe in spirits, or anything remotely supernatural, yet I often felt pursued by a machine-like intelligence that enjoyed making me suffer. I felt like the world had turned evil, most people were bad, I often felt like I was tethered to a string, floating in space high above my body.

I had partial seizures where I would suddenly lose consciousness, then wake up a few minutes later and not know who I was, or if five minutes or a thousand years had passed. I felt like I had to urinate 24 hours a day and had severe pain. I would go the bathroom every ten minutes but it always felt like I had to go. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t but it always hurt. I had spontaneous bleeding through the skin on my shoulders and chest. I guess that’s where the term sweating blood comes from.

I had the typical stuff too: incredible stomach distention, constant itching, my face would bleed when I shaved, my scalp itched, severe joint and back pain, blinding headaches, pins and needles in every part of my body. If often felt like my face was going to explode. My eyes watered constantly and stung and itched. My sinuses would swell and I couldn’t breathe through my nose. I had constant heart palpitations and my blood pressure would go to 240/160. I couldn’t watch movies – everything looked like a really bad high school play. I rarely read books, although I previously read up to four or five books a week. I hated music. I would have watery diarrhea followed by what looked like aquarium gravel. My teeth hurt so much and so often they felt like they were all loose. It was hard to eat because of the pain.

I had crying spells that would last ten hours. I envied other people who weren’t going through what I was. I had always tried to be a good person and I wondered why I was being tortured so horribly. My emotions would cycle from profound sadness to anger to extreme anxiety to hopelessness to complete out-of-body experiences that felt like I was spread across the Universe like the surface of a soap bubble. I felt like I was living in an old black and white Twilight zone in a ghost town where tumbleweeds rolled across the dusty streets and you could hear the creaking of the barroom doors swinging in the wind.

I would suddenly get searing pain like a sword had been stuck through my back, or a thumbtack driven into my knee. Those are all gone.

I couldn’t read the credit card swipe machines and had trouble filling my car with gas. My memories were often so unreal I wondered if they really happened at all. Even around 18 months I was convinced I had permanent brain damage and would never be the same.

I could list another hundred symptoms but you all know them. My point is that it has all gone. I feel smarter, happier, and wiser than I have in ten years. I have no anxiety at all. I laugh to myself at silly things, I love people more than ever, I feel connected to every living thing. I think I have actually achieved the wisdom I searched for all my life.

The last symptoms to go were extreme exhaustion and apathy. My depression lifted at around 18 to 20 months but I didn’t care anymore about anything and all I wanted to do was sleep. I still had pretty bizarre nightmares right up to about a month ago but those are now gone too.

My interest in work has returned. My sense of humor and wit has returned. My bladder works perfectly. No headaches, my teeth don’t hurt, my skin doesn’t itch; even my shoulder, knee and back no longer bother me at all. I feel competent once again. I can see better. I can multitask. I can make instant decisions. Even the texture of my hair and skin has changed dramatically.

I was taking seven different pills a day for blood pressure and now I’m down to one. My blood pressure is normal. I had gained 50 pounds and I’ve lost 30 of them in the last two months. My stomach no longer looks like I swallowed a basketball and I no longer have nausea or the spins.

I can drink coffee again. I have an occasional glass of wine and I can eat anything without being worried it’s going to result in an anxiety attack or crying spell.

Right up to two months ago I would wake up and wonder if I could make it through another day. Now I wake up happy and eager to get to my list of things to do.

Concentrate on the symptoms that are better or you no longer have. Don’t think about what is still wrong. Compare yourself with six months ago and you can see the difference. If you concentrate on the symptoms you still have it doesn’t feel like you’re making progress. Between 18 and 20 months I was on autopilot. I just kept going, feeling like it would never completely go away and I would never be the same again. I had come to terms with that, and then a month later realized that I was beginning to want to do things again. I noticed my speed of thought was increasing weekly and my cognitive precision was back. My memories are now back in order and I am able to recall them in vivid detail, but now they have time tags on them and no longer just pop up randomly.

Physically and mentally I feel as good or better than I have in ten years. I have recovered completely and have no lingering effects. My success story has no qualifiers. It has been 22 months and I’m like new.

For some reason, 12 to 18 months was the most difficult. I think it’s because you’re so exhausted and feeling hopeless. After 18 months it begins to get better but you feel like you’ll never be the way you were before, that there will always be some lingering symptoms. For me it began to really accelerate at around 20 months. I could tell I was beginning to get better but I had given up on being the person I once was.

I have been waiting to write this until I was positive I was completely healed.

I am.

Thank you everyone for all your help and support during the last two years. It made all the difference to know I wasn’t alone. Neither are you. You will get better. I promise.

 

Please hang in there Peace

[[Mo...]]

Hi guys,

 

I've been super stressed out the last few days... We got our non shedding puppy and my kids are still getting hives when they touch him. I'm reading now that people can have allergies to pet dander and not hair. Of course now that we are all in love with him, I'm stuck trying to figure out what to do. I had allergy shots when I was a child and that's always a possibility but it takes time, like everything else and I don't know if I can handle all this stress for a while. I've been feeling jittery and nervous, having a hard time sleeping, head pressure is always there... I could use some prayers too. Hope your all feeling good today, jenny

 

Oh No!!!  I am the allergy queen, but dogs are the easiest for me.  The dog must be bathed in a hyper allergenic shampoo every other day.  I am allergic to their dander and saliva.  It could be the perfume in whatever the shampoo is.  When my youngest was born, if I didn't bath his head my lips would blister and hive from his sweat or whatever babies get.  If I washed him I was fine.  Not that I wasn't bathing him, but he had some kind of chemical in his body that would build up after a day.  Start with the shampoo and benedryl.  It might be an easy answer. 

 

Yes Jenny.. Prayers for you too.  I told my prayer partners folks were needing some prayer today, so consider yourself in there.

 

Hugs, '

MommyR

[[pe...]]

Thank you, MommyR. I really think working full time is throwing me completely over the edge. I spent most of today in the bathtub or in bed. Those two things I can manage with a bit of serenity. I'll try work again tomorrow. But I just don't see how it's sustainable during this time. That post was very helpful.

 

Peace

[[Co...]]

Peace...you have my heart...I am so sorry are so devestated. I wouldn't be able to work through this. I am glad that the bath and comfort of the bed helped. ...Can you have a sick day tomorrow?...We are all with you.. Try not to make any decisions right now if you can avoid it.

.....So hoping you have rest tonight and a better day tomorro

......Love to you dear friend. ..coop

[[Mo...]]

Thank you, MommyR. I really think working full time is throwing me completely over the edge. I spent most of today in the bathtub or in bed. Those two things I can manage with a bit of serenity. I'll try work again tomorrow. But I just don't see how it's sustainable during this time. That post was very helpful.

 

Peace

 

We are on your side.  No guilt if you can't work.  It's about Peace getting peace!!  Wednesday is October 1st.  Hugs Peace!!  I am glad I could say something to help.

[[mr...]]

I am holding on by my fingernails. I've spoken with lots of trusted advisors and there's no clear way forward. I'm considering trying a new med or quitting my job. I would like to avoid both, but might avoid neither. I spoke with a friend who practices Chinese medicine and I'm trying some formulas prior to starting a pharmaceutical. My mood is a hair better, but I feel really out of it. Though my dr is gone for the moment. Little by little. Feel better, stay out of the hospital, avoid medications - these are my goals.

 

Peace

 

Peace,

 

I was in an ugly spot / ugly waves two times this year. Once was from the middle of May through the end of June, and the second one was during the month of August. In both waves, I felt miserable and lots of despair-tyoe feelings. Tired a lot if the time, but not really sleepy. Fear, fear, and fear (blech, with a capital "B"). Working during these times was one of the hardest things to continue to do. I felt like I was barely making it many days, like by the skin of my teeth, and I thought, "How much longer can I go on like this? Should I quit? I don't feel like I can do months of this. Etc." By the grace of G*d, I have made it to today (thank you, Lord). During those two time periods, I just made my goal day to day. And I told myself, I will get to the end of this month, and if I feel like its needed, I will reevaluate and make changes (i.e. job changes, med changes, supplement changes, etc). Must've been the hand of God, pulled me to the end of each month by giving me an "out" if I wanted.

 

Another thing that really helped me was to read (and reread) of other buddies who had it worse than me, yet did more than I did during their entire recovery process. People like Carlover, who cold-turkied from 1.5mg xanax and continued to hold down a very high-stress job throughout his whole recovery (even acute - yeowch!!). Or someone like Northofhere, who absolutely refused to change a single thing about her life during her recovery -- which included working a full time job with a one-hour commute one way, traveling to do art exhibits and an art residency, changing nothing about her eating habits or sleeping habits, etc -- and she dealt with almost constant fear, panic, anxiety, etc. People like that stretch me in a good way -- it encourages me, and silences the voices & thoughts that say 'it can't be done' -- because obviously, it can.  Sophia is another buddy that I love reading her posts -- she also continued to work full time, teaching elementary music, during her recovery.

 

I will share my experience with you, in case it may spark an idea for you that may be different than what you've considered thus far. I spoke with my Human Resources department and discovered I was able to reduce my schedule to a temporary part-time basis. I didn't realize that this was even an option initially -- when I went in to talk with them, I was thinking that I'd need to take a leave of absence. Temporary part time has been an incredible blessing for me. It has been helpful, and it has also allowed me to stay active and working, which has been very helpful in my recovery process as well. Again, I don't know if its even an option, but I thought I'd share it with you If it doesn't sound like something that would work for you, no worries of course! You know you best

 

You're doing great Peace, and what you're experiencing/feeling is common. And remember, it is TEMPORARY. This is going to be a faint memory soon. Can you believe that someday soon, its going to actually be HARD to remember what all this felt like?! Yessss!! Amen, and pour it on us Lord!!

 

Love you girl. You got this.

 

Chillin' without pillin'. Yeah, baby.

 

Mrs.

[[be...]]

I am holding on by my fingernails. I've spoken with lots of trusted advisors and there's no clear way forward. I'm considering trying a new med or quitting my job. I would like to avoid both, but might avoid neither. I spoke with a friend who practices Chinese medicine and I'm trying some formulas prior to starting a pharmaceutical. My mood is a hair better, but I feel really out of it. Though my dr is gone for the moment. Little by little. Feel better, stay out of the hospital, avoid medications - these are my goals.

 

Peace

 

peace I know you have been struggling but you are going to come out on the other side. You are getting closer everyday. I think your goal of feeling better is a great one to aspire to! I am happy to read that your miod is a "hair" better.

[[Gr...]]

Hi guys,

 

I've been super stressed out the last few days... We got our non shedding puppy and my kids are still getting hives when they touch him. I'm reading now that people can have allergies to pet dander and not hair. Of course now that we are all in love with him, I'm stuck trying to figure out what to do. I had allergy shots when I was a child and that's always a possibility but it takes time, like everything else and I don't know if I can handle all this stress for a while. I've been feeling jittery and nervous, having a hard time sleeping, head pressure is always there... I could use some prayers too. Hope your all feeling good today, jenny

Hi Jenny,

 

Sounds like you want to keep the dog.  Yes, it is the dander.  My younger one had asthma when he was little.  So maybe keep him out of the kids' bedrooms until the allergy shots kick in?

 

Sorry to hear about the extra stress and head pressure.  But how amazing that you're handling this. It wouldn't have been possible such a short time ago.  Happy for you!

[[Gr...]]

I am holding on by my fingernails. I've spoken with lots of trusted advisors and there's no clear way forward. I'm considering trying a new med or quitting my job. I would like to avoid both, but might avoid neither. I spoke with a friend who practices Chinese medicine and I'm trying some formulas prior to starting a pharmaceutical. My mood is a hair better, but I feel really out of it. Though my dr is gone for the moment. Little by little. Feel better, stay out of the hospital, avoid medications - these are my goals.

 

Peace

 

:smitten:

[[Gr...]]

Thank you, MommyR. I really think working full time is throwing me completely over the edge. I spent most of today in the bathtub or in bed. Those two things I can manage with a bit of serenity. I'll try work again tomorrow. But I just don't see how it's sustainable during this time. That post was very helpful.

 

Peace

 

Peace, you know I've been rooting for you all along, we all have.  It's unbelievably hard trying to hang onto a job in the shape you're in.  I did it in tolerance, and I'll never forget how hard it was.  I never could have done it through this withdrawal, even if I lost my house, I just wasn't employable.  I probably could do part time now with great difficulty, if I absolutely had to, 10 1/2 months out.

 

You're the only one who can make these decisions, medication, leave the job, hang on.  You were waiting for Oct 1.  That's Wed.  So whatever you decide to do, we all support you.

[[No...]]

MommyR ... thanks you for the "re-post" from lost dog ... I found it re-assuring ... once again I had "forgotten" that I had once read that post ...

[[No...]]

Peace ... first a hug ... and making "choices" is so very hard while we are in this place ... whatever you "do", know you are loved and supported here ... and in time know you will get through this ...

 

[[Gr...]]

SKY,

 

HAPPY 10 MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!

 

You're two weeks behind me.  This wave does get better.  Hope that's happening for you. 

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... was feeling pretty chipper ... went to bed early and slept for 7 hours ... got up feeling pretty good ... went back for a rest before starting Monday ... now being slammed really hard ...

 

Just hanging on ... anxiety, vibrations, and lots of boatiness ... yuk ...

 

Part of me is saying this is becoming a chore again ... very discouraging ... and fending off the doubt is just an additional task ...

 

[[Sk...]]

SKY,

 

HAPPY 10 MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!

 

You're two weeks behind me.  This wave does get better.  Hope that's happening for you. 

 

Thanks Green, I am very excited, I posted an update to my progress log about it. I wanted to post something here but that was too much for me, baby steps it is.

[[sa...]]

I'm in a horrible wave. 10 months out and slammed. 7 days now. This is one of my longest waves since month 4. I feel like it's month one. Anxiety is off the chart. I feel like I'm vibrating. Nausea, ringng in the head -- all bad. months 7-10 I feel like there has been no real change. Trying to work from home, but even that is hard.  I can't even move at the moment, the nausea is so bad. I want to cry.

[[al...]]

Hi 6-12 folks, I hope you are all doing OK. I need help. I am losing lots of weight now - I can't stand food. I make protein drinks in the blender but even that is hard to get down. If any of you have any experience with this, please let me know what your experience was. Did the weight loss occur in waves or all the time? If you gained any weight back, how did you do it? Any comments appreciated. I am scared.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Folks ... was feeling pretty chipper ... went to bed early and slept for 7 hours ... got up feeling pretty good ... went back for a rest before starting Monday ... now being slammed really hard ...

 

Just hanging on ... anxiety, vibrations, and lots of boatiness ... yuk ...

 

Part of me is saying this is becoming a chore again ... very discouraging ... and fending off the doubt is just an additional task ...

 

 

Sorry to hear, Nova.

 

No matter how I play it, those gangbuster sx mow me down every time.  Do those little yoga breaths and blow breaths hard out of the mouth for the anxiety.  The yoga breaths really do help (this far out, wouldn't have before)  they help, but you have to keep doing them.  We're all sort of staggered, jump-wise, Jenny & Life, you, me, then Coop and Sky.  Then Peace and Lisa.  Then some of the newer people bringing up the rear.  Hang on, Nova.  These waves still pack a punch, but hopefully they don't have much staying power.

I didn't comment, but I really appreciated your post on community.

Feel better.

Green

[[Gr...]]

I'm in a horrible wave. 10 months out and slammed. 7 days now. This is one of my longest waves since month 4. I feel like it's month one. Anxiety is off the chart. I feel like I'm vibrating. Nausea, ringng in the head -- all bad. months 7-10 I feel like there has been no real change. Trying to work from home, but even that is hard.  I can't even move at the moment, the nausea is so bad. I want to cry.

 

Sasq, this 10 month wave is the mother of all waves if you ask me.  Most of us here have had it. the good news is, once you get through it your baseline is going to get a lot better.  The nausea stinks.  I was drinking diet ginger ale.  Had to stop the Omega 3.  And AllisonLeigh recommended SeaBands, to help with nausea.

 

Feel better.  Welcome to the 10 Month Wave Club