6-12 month thread....

[[He...]]

UGH...tough day.  :'(  LOTS of anxiety that is all physical anxiety (chest tightness, weird currents under my skin that makes it feel like something is going to short-curcuit, nausea, shaking, some head pressure, some dizziness), with a layer of fear for good measure.  I just feel awful and have been fighting it since I woke up and I had that dread feeling that comes around.  I probably should have went for a walk this morning, but I didn't.  Stayed in bed and hid under my covers for as long as I could.  I am struggling to hang in here for the day, but I will give it my best. 

 

I don't understand the non-linear style of healing this brings with it.  It just is really hard to accept feeling good and then feeling like I am plunging backwards.  It's mentally taxing...but I am holding on to what that doctor said regarding staying strong so WHEN (not if) the waves come up, even the really bad ones, I don't make it worse for myself.  I think I have some additional anxiety about healing because I really held on to the 14 month mark.  I thought for sure I'd be done by then.  That article does help to quiet some of my "it's me, I'm the ONE" fears.  Two years.  24 months. Lots of good days, some bad days.  I'll hit 15 months a week from today.  That means I still have 9 months left of healing, and it's normal.  Deep exhale, feeling some relief with that.  It's normal and I'm still healing. 

 

OK, I can do this.  WE can do this.

 

HH, I found the doctor article positive, but I was also a little upset.  Two years seems so overwhelming.  But Coop has it right, we can't have arbitrary timelines for healing, or we're going to be very, very upset when we get these waves.  That has always knocked me for a loop, thinking I'm better and then the next wave.  And remember, you're going to have far more good days.  So hang in there.

 

I looked up National Glacier Park, it looks so beautiful.  I promised myself a trip, hiking maybe, when I'm better

 

I think the reason that I found it reassuring is that I am over the "14 month average" for healing.  That scared me pretty badly when I was 14+ and getting slammed with the worse wave than I have had since before hitting one year.  I was able to think, "OK, this can still be normal and I can still heal 100%".  My fear is that things are going to get worse.  I can handle (mostly, though days like today are HORRIBLE!) that length of time IF the overall trend keeps going upward.  I am terrified of getting worse.

 

If you were checking out where we went on our field trip, it was to Crater Lake National Park.  It is the deepest lake in the United States and the 2nd deepest in North America.  It is a beautiful blue, even when you are right at the surface.  Gorgeous place! 

 

HH,

 

Have you been struggling with sx all this time?  I sort of assumed you were weren't.

 

Crater Lake!  duh.  I looked up glacier national park.  That looks nice, too.  I will look up crater.

 

I've heard the 12-14.  But I've heard a lot of people say two years.  The good addiction clinic web sites all say two years.  My friend, the psychiatric nurse, says two years.  I think all along I was hearing what I wanted to hear, what I needed to hear at the time.  When I was really suffering, I couldn't handle two years.  You couldn't tell me it was going to get better.  I wasn't rational

 

I think we get a lot better at 12-14 months. I think healing continues for two years.  It's individual, too, not cookie cutter.  Our bodies are all different, which is why we all have different clusters of symptoms at different times.

 

I hope you're feeling better.  If not, you soon will be.   

 

Green,

I am wavy.  I have large chunks of time within a window and then get hit with a wave.  These latest couple of waves seem to be getting worse rather than better.  Blah!! 

[[He...]]

Hi Jenny...how are you doing? I was glad to see your post yesterday. I was thinking about you and hoping that you are feeling better. ..coop

 

 

Hi Coop, thanks for thinking of me   Like you Iam dealing with this head pressure and it is not giving me any breaks. I wake up with it everyday and it seems to get worse throughout the day and by night time Iam just completely done! If I didn't have this sx Id be feeling pretty good. I wonder what the head pressure is from?? Birdman said its excess glutamate, I don't know why I would have excess now and not 3 months ago when I had no head pressure. How are you Coop? Still dealing with this sx too?  Jenny

 

Jenny,

I have been wondering the same thing for the past few days!  WHY do I have excess glutamate NOW??? I've got all these symptoms coming back NOW.    This up and down really gets to me.  I want OFF this roller coaster!! 

 

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way! (((hugs)))

[[Sk...]]

Sorry to disrupt a beautiful sequence of posts, but I am getting my 5 minutes  on BB for the day !

 

Quickly, last night I passed from one nightmare to another. It was so bad I willed myself awake in hopes of not continuing  them somehow. It does happen.

But the day, was rather ok, surprisingly enough. I  had moments of frustration at the beginning, I seem to be accident prone lately.

I took it out on GreenIce by PM and then felt immediately better ! Workes like a charm every time !

 

Other things, othere symptoms  are much worse but  the " divas " were quiet today, so I am a happy bunny !

 

Totally unrelated to the posts on faith, about seeing is believing. Mr Sky and I, were talking about how wd proves that seeing really is no proof of anything.

My awful hallucinations when I Ct, they went on for days and nights. I believed what I saw and acted on the things I saw. I had just been  operated on, so this all happened in a hospital.

Mr Sky had no idea what  was happening, he would just hold my hand and tell me to believe him, all was ok, to ignore everything I thought I was hearing/ seeing . And I did that, when I finally heard him, I did just that. I saw all sorts of things around us, but I chose to trust his judgement and I tried to ignore what I saw.

 

After that, it was all about not trusting my senses anymore. I would constantly ask if what I saw, what I heard was true.

 

So, this is a long roundabout way to say, that I don't know if seeing should ever be believing. My circumstances were exceptional but my conclusions are not due just to the loss of trust in my senses. That incident  started it, of course. Now, I am questioning everything, in a good way, I hope.

 

Sorry for the buddies that are suffering.

 

I will not be able to  make it back to the thread tonight, so I am going to wish you all a good night and I hope that some symptoms will subside for you and you get some relief from all of your cares, a relief you all deserve so much.

 

JEnny,was it you that is having such bad head pressure ? And Nova ?

 

Sorry, I can't remember. I must start doing what Green does, answering post by post.

 

Anyway, relief  and healing to all . 

[[be...]]

Hi gang,

 

Just wanted to check in and say hi I want to describe some things to see if anyone else has felt this way

 

*feeling "threat" of 'bad' panic -- like, "scenario XYZ happening means 'bad' 'doom/panic'", even though scenario or thing XYZ is NOT threatening or scary. Also having this changes on a daily basis -- it is fine most days, just "appears" "not fine" on a goofy day.

 

Yes Mommy, I had all of those fears. I could not go into my closet or kitchen. I could not shower for many months, fear of falling and the water hurt my skin.Even taking a bath was a struggle.

I could not look at a tv or get on the computer for months.I was filled with so much fear and health phobias that I really thought I was losing my mind.

When I think back to this time last year I get weepy thinking of how I'll I was and thought nobody cared. I could not figure out why nobody was helping me, I thought they could see what I was feeling.

This is why I encourage everyone to keep a journal of the progress. If you think you aren't healing, take a look back.

We are all healing!!!! I don't care how few you took or how many years..You Will Heal!!

Hugs.

 

*feeling the temporary "revisit" of old & passed faux-fears -- like, you've done task or scenario XYZ 100 times, and overcame 1000 times already, and you KNOW you're NOT afraid of it whatsoever, just on goofy days faux-fear attaches to it.

 

I hope I am describing these correctly. Coop, you mentioned noticing Ativan/lorazepam being a bit of a "bugger" with the symptoms of fear/panic; I think I've also observed this in other Xanax/alprazolam withdrawalers too It has created strength within me like I've never had before -- it is so true that what was meant for my harm has been, and is being, used for my good and betterment -- I'm so excited for who I'm becoming, and who I'll be at the end of all this! I surely don't like walking through it, of course -- but I am grateful for who I am becoming!! I am proud of me. Dare I say? -- yes, I do dare say!

 

In grateful for this thread, and for all the people here. How grand it is to come on here, maybe experiencing thoughts of doubt or lowered hope, only to read that others are, in fact, experiencing the same symptom(s) you are, and to receive reassurance again that, of course, you are doing great and that full recovery belongs to you! Anyways, lol Long story short -- I'm grateful Sending love your way, gang Take care for now

 

Mrs.

 

Hello all,

 

Did anyone get the chance to read this, by chance?  Does it relate to anyone?

 

Thank you for the reassurances, all. I appreciate it a lot.

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

 

I was going to respond but waited to see if others did first.  I know Beulah and a few others talk about fear of clothes, showers, etc.  Beulah couldn't go into her closet for a long time.  She one outfit she could wear and that's it.  It might have been Whoot or Sky who said they were afraid to shower.. fear of falling.  Things you have done a million times, but on benzo a new fear pops up from it.  Totally irrational stuff that somehow finds a voice in the normal day to day activity. 

 

I have things like when we went to San Diego a month ago.  I had this 'feeling' we were gong to die.  Then hubby decides to bring up a living will on the drive down there because my oldest asked who would take care of him if we died.  I was sure this was a sign we would be killed that weekend.  We picked a person for the will and notified them.. ugh. 

 

The whole weekend I was looking over my shoulder at possible ways to escape the eminent death.  We made it home and that was that. 

 

I know it's normal to this process.  Sky said she had to sit a certain way with her hand in certain position.

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone,

I took the day off of school today.  I struggled ALL DAY yesterday with BIG anxiety and symptoms, but I think I may be fighting the viral cold thing that my daughters have.  I am feeling rather defeated right now because I feel like I have failed in two important areas:  1. taking a sick day when I'm not sure if I'm actually sick with a virus or if it's because of my post-withdrawal symptoms flaring up, and 2. I withdrew from my masters class today because I got too behind to catch up with being in such a bad wave of sickness/anxiety/symptoms for the past week.  Being behind started causing anxiety itself, and my CNS seems soooooo touchy and sensitive right now that I just couldn't push through it.  The paper that I was behind on, it was due last Sunday when I was having that HORRIBLE wave caused (I think) by the steroids in those eye drops, was almost 10 pages.  I feel some relief to my anxiety with having sent the email, but also some disappointment.

 

I am spending the day mostly in bed, with lots of chamomile tea and chicken noodle soup, and it is doing me a world of good. Maybe this is just what I needed to get my feet back underneath me.  Last weekend really knocked me for a loop!

 

Mommy, I have also been wondering about the supplements that I have been taking.  I started in the past 2 weeks taking vitamin D again, along with the occasional magnesium and a couple packets a day of Emergen-C.  I'm going to stop taking anything and just try to eat as healthy as I can.  I realized that I wasn't taking anything from about July on, and I was doing much better, not as wavy.  I'm not sure if there is any connection, or if it's just a coincidence, but I'm going to stop them again and see what happens. 

 

One thing that I have always done, for better or for worse, is try to find the "trigger" of my waves.  I'm sure it's just grabbing for straws, but it tends to make it a bit more bearable as I continue to put more days, more healing, between me and that darn Klonopin. 

 

I went on that Canadian doctor's website and I read a story that he told about a woman who was coming off of Benzos and reinstated a few months after she hit the one year mark.  He remarked that it was a shame that she did it because she was so close to hitting the true healing that happens close to 2 years out.  She went on to be on benzos for many more years with lots of symptoms, tapered again, had a rough time and this time stuck it out...being completely healed by 2 years.  This WILL get better, but, oy...what a process. 

 

I am hoping this day at home will quiet my raging symptoms, whether they are caused by just a tsunami-wave or a viral infection, or both. 

 

Love and healing to you all! 

HH

 

 

[[wh...]]

Hi Nova

Thank you for your support; it means so much.  I'm much better today so I suppose it was a wave that peaked and now I'm in the flat part....may get hit again but not right now.  I feel like an out of control surfer.

Your soup sounds good...I did make a pot the other day and it was delicious.  So comforting.

I notice that if I use anything with monosodium glutamate I get symptoms.  I thought the stock I used was MSG free but it's got so many names like hydrolyzed plant or soy protein and maybe others.....

Long story short I felt icky that night because I used OXO . Coincidence.....  Hmmmmm.

Pumpkin pie tonight....another fall favourite.  I wish you guys could come by for a slice.

 

You sound so good.  We all love you and your posts.

Football again all weekend.  I love football.  Especially when the Riders win..

I hope you are well today my friend. 

[[Mo...]]

Hi Everyone,

I took the day off of school today.  I struggled ALL DAY yesterday with BIG anxiety and symptoms, but I think I may be fighting the viral cold thing that my daughters have.  I am feeling rather defeated right now because I feel like I have failed in two important areas:  1. taking a sick day when I'm not sure if I'm actually sick with a virus or if it's because of my post-withdrawal symptoms flaring up, and 2. I withdrew from my masters class today because I got too behind to catch up with being in such a bad wave of sickness/anxiety/symptoms for the past week.  Being behind started causing anxiety itself, and my CNS seems soooooo touchy and sensitive right now that I just couldn't push through it.  The paper that I was behind on, it was due last Sunday when I was having that HORRIBLE wave caused (I think) by the steroids in those eye drops, was almost 10 pages.  I feel some relief to my anxiety with having sent the email, but also some disappointment.

 

I am spending the day mostly in bed, with lots of chamomile tea and chicken noodle soup, and it is doing me a world of good. Maybe this is just what I needed to get my feet back underneath me.  Last weekend really knocked me for a loop!

 

Mommy, I have also been wondering about the supplements that I have been taking.  I started in the past 2 weeks taking vitamin D again, along with the occasional magnesium and a couple packets a day of Emergen-C.  I'm going to stop taking anything and just try to eat as healthy as I can.  I realized that I wasn't taking anything from about July on, and I was doing much better, not as wavy.  I'm not sure if there is any connection, or if it's just a coincidence, but I'm going to stop them again and see what happens. 

 

One thing that I have always done, for better or for worse, is try to find the "trigger" of my waves.  I'm sure it's just grabbing for straws, but it tends to make it a bit more bearable as I continue to put more days, more healing, between me and that darn Klonopin. 

 

I went on that Canadian doctor's website and I read a story that he told about a woman who was coming off of Benzos and reinstated a few months after she hit the one year mark.  He remarked that it was a shame that she did it because she was so close to hitting the true healing that happens close to 2 years out.  She went on to be on benzos for many more years with lots of symptoms, tapered again, had a rough time and this time stuck it out...being completely healed by 2 years.  This WILL get better, but, oy...what a process. 

 

I am hoping this day at home will quiet my raging symptoms, whether they are caused by just a tsunami-wave or a viral infection, or both. 

 

Love and healing to you all! 

HH

 

HH.. wow... so we are not alone at this point.  Soooo glad you pointed this out HH.  Goodo job!!

 

As a person on the outside of your situation I am not dismayed at what has happened to you.  Your progress is still a victory in my eyes, so if that thought crosses your mind, please put it out.  Seriously, you are amazing with all the stuff you have done. 

 

The supplement thing is CRAZY!  I seriously think it is the D that has been giving me the problem and I'm giving it the boot.  Yes, eat healthy until this thing is past.  I had not idea cortisone could cause a negative affect led alone a common supplement like C. 

 

Dropping the class is not a failure.  When I think of what you have already done.. Lordy, I am impressed and staying impressed.  Lay in bed and rest.  I am so sorry you needed to take a sick day, but benzo sick is sick too.  Keep us posted.  I am really interested to see if the supplements affected you negatively too.

 

 

MommyR

[[Mo...]]

Sorry to disrupt a beautiful sequence of posts, but I am getting my 5 minutes  on BB for the day !

 

Quickly, last night I passed from one nightmare to another. It was so bad I willed myself awake in hopes of not continuing  them somehow. It does happen.

But the day, was rather ok, surprisingly enough. I  had moments of frustration at the beginning, I seem to be accident prone lately.

I took it out on GreenIce by PM and then felt immediately better ! Workes like a charm every time !

 

Other things, othere symptoms  are much worse but  the " divas " were quiet today, so I am a happy bunny !

 

Totally unrelated to the posts on faith, about seeing is believing. Mr Sky and I, were talking about how wd proves that seeing really is no proof of anything.

My awful hallucinations when I Ct, they went on for days and nights. I believed what I saw and acted on the things I saw. I had just been  operated on, so this all happened in a hospital.

Mr Sky had no idea what  was happening, he would just hold my hand and tell me to believe him, all was ok, to ignore everything I thought I was hearing/ seeing . And I did that, when I finally heard him, I did just that. I saw all sorts of things around us, but I chose to trust his judgement and I tried to ignore what I saw.

 

After that, it was all about not trusting my senses anymore. I would constantly ask if what I saw, what I heard was true.

 

So, this is a long roundabout way to say, that I don't know if seeing should ever be believing. My circumstances were exceptional but my conclusions are not due just to the loss of trust in my senses. That incident  started it, of course. Now, I am questioning everything, in a good way, I hope.

 

Sorry for the buddies that are suffering.

 

I will not be able to  make it back to the thread tonight, so I am going to wish you all a good night and I hope that some symptoms will subside for you and you get some relief from all of your cares, a relief you all deserve so much.

 

JEnny,was it you that is having such bad head pressure ? And Nova ?

 

Sorry, I can't remember. I must start doing what Green does, answering post by post.

 

Anyway, relief  and healing to all . 

 

Yes, I think you have made a great point Sky.  I have actually thought to myself.. God please don't appear to me because I am sure it will send me to the looney bin!  For me the biggest thing has been the flesh and blood support my family has given me.  To have someone next to you, believing in you is a miracle in itself.  Not everyone has this.

 

Lots of people have no one. 

 

I love PMing Green too.. Haha.. she is the best! 

[[Co...]]

Jenny...I font know either...we have had the constant head pressure for about the same amount of time. Mine started ( out of the blue) at the end of May...so 4 months. I did not have this...until 6 months in. It is reassuring to know that we are having similar experiences with this...tells me it is truly w/d. Mine also starts in the morning...I usually wake up with the. ' rushing ' and pulsing and then it waxes and wanes in intensity throughout the day. I often wonder too what causes this ...and when it will end.

.....It is good to see you Jenny and I hope this ends for both of us very soon....coop

[[Gr...]]

Thank you for validating my concerns Jenny and Coop.  Allison also sent me a pm and some people responded to the thread I started.  Green and I have also conversed on it, but I can only ignore for so long and then it wears me down.  I can only go without sleep for so long and then I crash.

 

I assume it's like the head pressure you have Coop.  It's scary because it feels like something is wrong up there.  I have this vision of a gland pumping pumping pumping out toxin to my system.  I will get the blood test done to check everything else.  It's been sitting on my desk for a week. 

 

Thank you again.

 

M, you're doing a lot, kids, marriage, job, in withdrawal.  That's probably the best way to get through this, just proceed with your life.  But it is taxing, it has to be.  Hell, I did that, and it was hard when I wasn't in withdrawal.  Maybe try to find some quiet time just for you.  And get the blood tests, lol.  Feel better. 

PS  My sweats stopped for the time.  Now I have diarrhea :'(

 

Good grief!!!  it's always something with this process.  But I will take diarrhea over these sweats.  Really hoping if I drop the Vit D it will calm my body. 

 

btw.. Love the new pic!!  My sis was a ballerina and has that photo in her room.  She is really pretty like a barbie.  It makes me think of her when I see that photo.

 

M, you always notice what I'm wearing (avatar, lol)  Yes, it's pretty.  And the last one was The Birds.

 

First, I agree, diarrhea is better than the hot flash sweats, definitely.

2.  Vit D.  Never take fat soluble.  Micronized water-based drops. And I think you need mag to absorb D, or vice versa, I can't remember.  People here have touted the mag/Vit D combo as the great anxiety and insomnia remedy.  But everybody's different.

 

Hope you feeling better these days.  Miss you on here

[[Gr...]]

HH...I understand your fears going forward.  I am hitting 15 months shortly.  I worry also that this should be moving at a faster pace than it is.  Frustrating having such a miserable time as of late.  In my case, I do attribute it to some outside stressors.  I don't want others to assume that 13-14 months are miserable.  Not necessarily the case, as you've seen from postings.  I am going to wait until my heart issues are resolved and I can put some stressors behind me.  Hopefully, I will be back on track.  Would love to see the sleep resolve and the anxiety wane.

 

 

Green Ice...You're so right.  I am the family worry wart.  More than enough on my part to cover any of my wife's worries.  I need to adapt her one day at a time approach.  Works great for her.  I'm still wrestling with it.

 

Hi all, Hey Gart, I've had more healing in my 14 month off than any other month. I also know how good it feels to finally feel the healing and feeling like crap at the same time. All of this is so up and down that you get so confused on what you're suppose to feel like on a daily basis.

While my waves are getting easier and my baseline has improved, it is still such a huge struggle.

This morning when I was putting my socks on I could not figure out which sock went on the left foot and which went on the fight foot. I sat and sat trying to figure it out, then I finally did, these are not shoes ...they are socks.....lol, my poor brain.

Hugs to all.

 

Beulah,

 

You sound great. I'm soo happy for you.  I know what you're talking about with socks -- I had it while typing.  I couldn't remember how to type, not just where the keys were -- whatever, I know what you mean.  And I think it's okay, I think it gets better.  So happy to hear, 14th months. 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Jenny and HH

 

I was trolling around last night and came across this. The girl had written a success story, and came back

 

Protracted Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Symptoms / Re: Racing Heart

« on: January 21, 2014, 11:33:45 pm »

 

Does anyone have a bunch of dizzines and shortness of breathe going along w the heart palps

I'm like 15 months off and my symptoms are coming back so viciously I can't even believe it horrible shortness of breathe and dizziness I'm so worried the heart palps are causing all this

 

Protracted Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Symptoms / Dizziness and shortness of breathe

« on: January 20, 2014, 10:05:21 pm »

 

Hi everyone I'm 15 months off a short dose of benzos and I feel like I'm having crazy symptoms

Thru the roof ..

Is anyone else having the following:  Shortness of breathe , persistent dizziness that comes and goes for hours at a time sometimes days, And lots of heart fluttering sensations ?? I feel like I'm back at the beginning . I thought this nightmare was behind me .

 

Post-withdrawal Recovery Support / Re: 14 months off and dizzy.

« on: December 31, 2013, 08:52:41 pm »

 

Hey Megan thanks for the reply-

So your saying you had it like me where things seemed to

Be kind of going on in a normal fashion and then whammo u wake up and feel dizzy and have alot of

Brain fog frosted out of it feeling all day ?

It's driving me nuts and its soo debilitating .

It's like just when you start to think its better along comes some crazy

Wave-

[[Gr...]]

Jenny & HH, this is from Morechocolate.

 

Post-withdrawal Recovery Support / 16 months off and to be completely honest......

« on: September 19, 2014, 12:03:42 am »

 

Hi everyone. Many of you have probably read my success story as it has had a lot of traffic since I posted it almost a year ago. What a relief to not be in that hell anymore!

 

That being said, this last month has been really hard! It's so strange how things have just decided to come back after all this time. I ended up in the hospital 4 weeks ago with pancreatitis (my third time getting it in 3 years). I spent 5 days there. A few days after being home, the vertigo came back full force! It was my worse symptom while in withdrawal! I started getting blurred vision again and some pretty heavy DR. I have been really exhausted again. I just can't seem to find any energy. Insomnia has been horrible again too! I feel like I'm on a boat again with the near constant rocking back and forth. I have also had spells of anxiety that were pretty bad. This past week, the tinnitus has come back too. I ended up in the ER last week due to severe abdominal pain. The most severe pain I have ever felt. Doctor thinks it's an ulcer. I am getting an upper GI X-ray done on Monday.

 

I can't believe this is happening this far out. I am by no means suffering, but it's certainly not easy. It's been a month now, so hopefully it subsides again soon.

 

Thanks for listening.

[[Pe...]]

Jenny & HH, this is from Morechocolate.

 

Post-withdrawal Recovery Support / 16 months off and to be completely honest......

« on: September 19, 2014, 12:03:42 am »

 

Hi everyone. Many of you have probably read my success story as it has had a lot of traffic since I posted it almost a year ago. What a relief to not be in that hell anymore!

 

That being said, this last month has been really hard! It's so strange how things have just decided to come back after all this time. I ended up in the hospital 4 weeks ago with pancreatitis (my third time getting it in 3 years). I spent 5 days there. A few days after being home, the vertigo came back full force! It was my worse symptom while in withdrawal! I started getting blurred vision again and some pretty heavy DR. I have been really exhausted again. I just can't seem to find any energy. Insomnia has been horrible again too! I feel like I'm on a boat again with the near constant rocking back and forth. I have also had spells of anxiety that were pretty bad. This past week, the tinnitus has come back too. I ended up in the ER last week due to severe abdominal pain. The most severe pain I have ever felt. Doctor thinks it's an ulcer. I am getting an upper GI X-ray done on Monday.

 

I can't believe this is happening this far out. I am by no means suffering, but it's certainly not easy. It's been a month now, so hopefully it subsides again soon.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

 

Oh, Green, I'm so sad to read you are having these gut problems!  Crikey, how much is a person supposed to take of this?  My heart goes out to you! ❤️

[[pe...]]

Peace ... yuk ... sorry I am not aware that I have had issues with "depression" ... at least not as I notice ...

 

And, that "where is the med for this" song isn't going to help at all ... sorry this one is playing for you again ... this one will stop playing just like all the others ... take care my friend ...

 

Thank you, Nova.

This depression comes with such despair and hopelessness. It's impossible for me to 'realize' my mood was ok a few days ago. It feels like I've been depressed for months and like it will never go away. All the other symptoms are awful, but I don't doubt their transience. The depression feels forever. Life has written about this too. It's also so hard because there are so many drugs marketed for depression. It makes me question waiting it out. A few more days, I tell myself. Just try to get through a few more days.  :'(

[[No...]]

Words, words, words ... all I have is words ... so damn inadequate ... when what I yearn to do is to reach out and hold ... and be held ...

 

To feel someone's calmness when I am being thrown about by another whirlwind ...

 

To breathe with you until you find your centre one more time ...

 

To stop my mindless search for the meaning of all this and be soothed by your loving silence ...

 

To distract you from your quest for relief with a walk in the sun ...

 

To quell my restlessness and sit peacefully with you while we wait for our healing to come ...

 

 

And tonight, once again, all I have are words ... your words and my words ... from your fingers to my heart ... from my fingers to your heart ...

 

This expression of words across this screen ... a beacon that will help us find our way home ...

 

So, on this breath I know our words are not inadequate ... and the yearning, well, the yearning is a blessing to share ...

 

My yearning is my healing reaching out to me ... beckoning me home ... we are all coming home ...

 

 

[[pe...]]

Nova,

Your words are amazing. A gift. Even if I can't hold your hand, I hold your words.

[[Co...]]

Nova,  thank you for your beautiful words....some of the most beautiful that I have read anywhere. ..Great comfort to me this morning. I was awake at 330...some moderate head pressure and headache and ear buzzing. Not too distressing as no real anxiety ...just awake. ..

... Your words were just a lovely way to met the night hours pass. I send them back to you with love and wishes for healing.  Have a wonderful day Nova.  Coop

[[ga...]]

Nova....you were a writer, journalist, poet in your previous life??  Such a way with words...wow.

 

Coop....was right there with you...again...this morning.  So tired of waking early.  As a golf fan at least I could go watch the Ryder CUp on T.V.  I have almost resigned myself to the fact that this is the way it is. ( FOR NOW)

 

Best of luck to all this Friday.

[[No...]]

Glee!....do happy to see you....Oh,  CONGRATULATIONS!!!...Boy that is manna from heaven for us to hear....that you are feeling so much better...I am doing a happy dance for you

....Tell us more!...What has improved? ..What are you doing...are you out and about?....Do you feel that you have your life mostly back?...

.....That is such sweet sweet news...thank you so much for sharing that with us.. it is hugely encouraging.....coop

 

Cooperten,

 

Everything has improved! Sometime in the last four or so months, I have shifted over from feeling like I was "recovering" to feeling like I've never taken Xanex before at all! For a while now, I have looked back at the time when I was taking it with a sense of surprise. That me seems so long ago and far away.

 

I think the drug contributed to this feeling, of course. In some ways, I feel as if the two years I was on Xanex just disappeared--didn't happen. It can be an odd feeling, that a couple years went by without me fully noticing them.

 

But that doesn't matter much now, does it?

 

The only symptom that remains is very, very mild tinnitus that I don't even notice most days. It gets a bit louder when I get a cold, annoying but easy to power through since I know it will go away again as soon as my sniffles are gone.

 

Changes in my life since last year:

 

- I have the energy to do my share of the household chores

- I feel generally positive about my life and the direction I am going

- I have begun to be seriously active. Hubby and I took up dancing last January (when I first started really getting around again), and we've gone from one hour of dance class a week to as many as 20 or 28!! It's been so good for us . . . relationship building and healing.

- I've got a lot of my strength back (see 20+ hours of dancing a week).

- I've lost weight.

- My anxiety levels are the lowest they have been in years--I very rarely feel anxious.

- I look like myself again when I look in the mirror (I don't know what the Xanex did, but for a while it was like I was looking at a stranger, which was quite alienating).

- I've been able to move forward on tasks that seemed insurmountably difficult six months ago (essential, non-emergency health care that I'd been dragging my feet on, bathroom renovations).

- I've been sewing and knitting, producing things I'm sorta proud of.

- I've begun to rebuild my resume, having taken on a volunteer position for a number of months, then several freelancing projects. My resume has a gap, but it's no longer blank.

- I've had several job interviews.

 

Stuff that is still suffering:

- The worst part of the xanex years is that they put a halt to my career. I went on them due to a very bad work situation, and stayed on them even after I left that job. Now I have a two year gap in my resume, and at my age (34) and because I must career-shift, I'm not the most attractive job candidate. The place where I really feel the time on xanex is when I look at my professional situation, which is not great. However, as I get more energy, I am able to pursue independent projects, and that will, I hope, open doors for me in the next six months.

- I have a tendency towards depression (I still take Wellbutrin, which has always been a good drug for me), and there are some days when I feel sad and frustrated. It is unclear to me whether this has some connection with the xanex--but I suspect it does not. I've always had times like that.

 

So, that's the update. I hope it is encouraging. It is to me, anyway. The difference between where I am now and where I was a year ago is astounding.

[[No...]]

I read a buddy before saying she as at one year and is feeling great. I hope she will elaborate.

 

Please, about the canadian doctor's article, I find the two year timeframe so depressing, especially after days like today. Rationally, I understand that two years is a realistic assessment, but my rational side  isn't  in charge at the moment. I am glad you all found the article encouraging, but I would have phrased it differently especially for people in wd, a day feels like a year. Just because it is true it doesn't mean I have to obsess about it.

 

I know that two years doesn't mean that every single day will be like today, I know that she means it takes two years to be completely healed, but as I said, these days, rationality is not my scene. Anyway, if she meant it, she could have said it, there are very sick people here and people in wd have cognitive problems, and I am one of them, big time!

 

I think I was the one who posted the positive comment, and I have elaborated above.

 

As for the two year time frame--I am sorry that you find that discouraging. I would have said the same thing a year ago, or even six or seven months ago. However, although it's hard to believe when you are in the middle of withdrawal, that it will get better.

 

My experience has been that the improvement in the last six months has been astonishingly rapid. I've "healed" both physically and--how shall I put it?--mentally, in that I no longer even think of myself as someone who had an addiction. It's strange. A year ago, I was quite clear that the experience of being in withdrawal was the worst feeling I have ever had, truly--that it was the hardest thing I had ever been through in terms of physical pain and mental suffering (due to the anxiety, fear of never being "normal" again, etc). And now, I hardly remember how it felt during those days, it seems so far away. Strangely enough, when I think of the "worst thing I've ever been through" now, I think of things like my father's battle with terminal cancer eight years ago, and the pain from THAT is more fresh than going of xanex one  year ago.

 

I don't doubt that if I check in here again at the two year mark, I will say that I am immeasurably improved between now and then, and that in fact two years IS a good marker of how long it takes to make a full recovery. But that doesn't mean that I feel bad at one year. I feel wonderful at one year, but it is possible that I will feel even better after another 12 months. Does that make sense?

 

Looking back, these are the things that helped me the most (in no particular order):

1. Lipoflavinoids for the tinnitus. Not everyone has results from this, I gather, but I had a very clear improvement in the ear ringing when taking this supplement. Since the tinnitus was the symptom that was causing me the most misery and fear ("Is it going to be like this forever???" while laying awake at night), any improvement in that made a huge difference. I stopped taking it about five or so months ago, and it seems that whatever chemical imbalance was causing the tinnitus had improved while I was taking the lipoflavinoids. I have very little tinnitus now.

2. Forcing myself to get back into a normal routine, even when I felt bad. For me, that meant actively taking back chores that my husband had taken over. It made a big difference for us both--and really has helped rebuild our relationship. Every time I finish a mundane task that seemed impossible and in fact was easy, I feel better about myself and my progress.

3. Getting physically active. Although my sleep improved with just time (I have always had insomnia, even before the Xanex), what really made a difference was serious exercise. I made myself go kickboxing twice a week for a decent amount of time (six weeks or so), and I started to sleep like a baby. I also got so much stronger. I started doing "boy style" pushups at home, which I'd never been able to do before. Seeing my body get stronger made me feel a lot better about my physical self, which I'd come to think of as "broken."

4. Get out and do things. I began to volunteer between one and four days a week, and that got me out of the house and gave me small successes to celebrate. I took some classes (bookbinding!). I started dancing with my husband very actively, which helped build strength, helped me sleep better, and reconnected me to the world. It gave me (again) something positive that I could do with my body, so I stopped thinking about it as something that was "messed up" and started seeing it as something that could "do stuff!!" My husband and started going to a table-top role playing group with some friends (of his). We've been doing that every third or fourth week for a year now, and have a new tradition and new little social circle. We're going camping with that group this weekend!

 

and, finally:

 

5. I forgave myself. This was the hardest thing, and I still struggle with it. But rather than think of how I messed up by "letting" myself become dependent on Xanex, I now think of how much progress I am making. It makes such a big difference.

[[No...]]

Anyone feel 100% healed in this group?

 

I suspect that many people who hit 100% healed have gotten to the point that they no longer post, because they no longer need to. That's why I am making a concerted effort to come back from time to time.

 

I'd say I feel about 90% healed, 85% healed on a bad day. It's really hard to say, because I did have some real issues with anxiety and depression that lead to me being put on the xanex. I may in fact be at nearly 100% now, but I am leaving a few percent open so I can express my further improvement in a few months' time.

[[Co...]]

Glee...absolutely encouraging....So many of us needed to hear this today! ...I could not be happier for you. You describe exactly hoe I feel in a 100% window..the " effortless mind " as our buddies friend Life coined it. .. You have given me so much hope that this is what my life will return to. I am just a few days shy of 11 months out and head pressure and had s/x ( mild headaches,  moderate to mild dizziness and boatiness with related anxiety) are my remaining s/x...( in a eave I have some of the acute s/x but am able to rationalize that they are w/d).

.......Do not worry about your resume....I am 64....you are so young ...your career will revive and your w/d experience will give you gained resilience and adaptability...your career experiences will cnlhange and evolve over the years. You are so far ahead of things by getting bad drugs and w/d done and over ....

.....Thank you again Glee for the inspiring update..thanks for the hope....coop

[[Gr...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

First I want to apologize for pasting those posts of people in waves at 15-16 months.  When I did it, I was trying to be helpful to Jenny and HH, to reassure them.  Last night it occurred to me it might upset some people.  For that, if anyone was upset, I am sorry, and I can find out how to remove them if necessary.

 

Glee, that's a wonderful success story.  I'm very happy for you.

 

Nova, you write beautifully.  You are our official resident poet in healing.

 

Jenny, Sky, I hope you're both feeling better.

 

Coop, I was up at 3:30 last night, too, and 4:30, and 5:30.  I was so positive.  It's hard now, bad insomnia, and my heart is hammering, banging around in there.  I would have fallen into despair, but I've taken to heart what the Canadian doctor said, and I'm giving myself the time to get better, even when it's really hard. 

 

Hope everybody is in a good space today.

[[No...]]

Glee...absolutely encouraging....So many of us needed to hear this today! ...I could not be happier for you. You describe exactly hoe I feel in a 100% window..the " effortless mind " as our buddies friend Life coined it. .. You have given me so much hope that this is what my life will return to. I am just a few days shy of 11 months out and head pressure and had s/x ( mild headaches,  moderate to mild dizziness and boatiness with related anxiety) are my remaining s/x...( in a eave I have some of the acute s/x but am able to rationalize that they are w/d).

.......Do not worry about your resume....I am 64....you are so young ...your career will revive and your w/d experience will give you gained resilience and adaptability...your career experiences will cnlhange and evolve over the years. You are so far ahead of things by getting bad drugs and w/d done and over ....

.....Thank you again Glee for the inspiring update..thanks for the hope....coop

 

Thank you, Cooperten! There is definitely hope that things will get better.

 

As for my career, I'm not overly concerned--I think I can make a shift. Unfortunately, my age is just an uncomfortable point to make a career shift. I think that people think that I spent the last two years having a baby (though they can't SAY that right out) and it has eliminated me from getting interviews. I'm in NYC, so competition for everything is fierce, and employers can choose people who have in-field experience rather than just having a good skillset.

 

I tried to spend as little time as I could on forums or online examining my body for withdrawal symptoms. *Everyone is different*, but I was concerned that with my particular blend of anxiety/obsessing, that I could talk myself into feeling side effects and attributing any bad days to benzo withdrawal whether it was true or not. I think that was a good choice for me--just to come by here occasionally, and otherwise try to live my life as "normally" as possible. It isn't the best choice for everyone, though, and I know that messages of encouragement are so essential along the way.