6-12 month thread....

[[Mo...]]

Looooots to catch up on.

 

Something interesting happened for me.  The night before last during my sleep I had a break from symptoms.  The flashes were waking me every hour or so, but around 5am I woke with no symptoms.  No mental muck or heat, just woke to normal.  I fell back asleep and woke up at 7am to the usual ick.  The tiny break I at that hour gave me such a boost.

 

The last two days have also have me falling asleep in the afternoon, probably from lack of sleep. One of the thoughts I have had about this bout that started in July is ... I started taking Vit D in late June.  Could the daily dose of D be causing these hot flashes?  I stopped taking the D yesterday to experiment.  I found on a withdrawal board on paxil that some felt it amped their w/d symptoms because it works on the serotnin receptors.  I have no idea if this is true, because I can't find anything on our board about it.  I went to sleep last night with no trepidation and slept mostly thru the night with one or two minor wake ups. 

 

I did read that w/d can give us a low D blood reading.  Anyways, I am dropping the D today for a few weeks.  Let's see what happens. 

[[Co...]]

Mommy...I had problems with Bit D...it is fat soluable...and stored in the liver and body fat so it is metabolized out differently for everyone depending on fat stores. Yes,  I think it effects the seratonin ( have to research to be sure), but some natuepaths prescribe it for mild depression.My doctor had me on 10,000iu a day ( pre-benzos for low hit D). It made me sick after 6 weeks...You have some great strategies in place for depression....I hope it a very short wave and lets up today...coop

[[Mo...]]

Mommy...I had problems with Bit D...it is fat soluable...and stored in the liver and body fat so it is metabolized out differently for everyone depending on fat stores. Yes,  I think it effects the seratonin ( have to research to be sure), but some natuepaths prescribe it for mild depression.My doctor had me on 10,000iu a day ( pre-benzos for low hit D). It made me sick after 6 weeks...You have some great strategies in place for depression....I hope it a very short wave and lets up today...coop

 

 

Coop.. really great to hear some else is affected adversely.  I am going to drop the Vit D for sure and see if I get relief.  Thank you for the response.  I don't have dp now, but was responding to Peace's comment.  Untll this last bout with panic, dp was the worst for sure.  Anyone of these cranking up is terrible! 

 

I have been super busy and miss everyone, but jump on here when I"m desperate.    Will try to read everyone's post later today. 

[[...]]

So, when depression waves in, I 'should' just wave back at it and wait for it to pass? Because part of me wants to beat the 'I can't take it. There's got to be a med for this' drum. Again.

 

Around one more time. aghhhhhhh!

 

 

Peace I get it every other day. I had a break from it last few weeks which lasted 5 days with no depression  then got another 5 day reprieve. But now it's back to every other day.

Hang in I know its horrible it's the worst sx as far as I'm concerned.

This has got to ease just hope it's sooner than later, jrod

[[Gr...]]

Nova....so happy to hear that you have " a little charge " back. Me too,  some s/x cycling and head pressure here one day.  gone the next only to come back ...or cycling in and out all in the same day...But....dizziness seems to be winding down. I am feeling somewhat more ability to ' go with ' the head pressure and stay out of the rip tides of catastrophic thinking.

....My mental s/x are taking a nice nap and all is quiet. I would rate my baseline at 85-90% .  The 2 year timeline statement by the Canadian physician seemed to provide some ' breathing room ' for me that has allowed for a little release from the panicky feeling of, " its almost -12 months.. getting to 14 months and I am not healed....I am going to be the one who doesn't heal " Having said that I do believe the worst days of w/d are behind us and that re- entry and recovering g from the trauma of w/d could easily take another year. I have always been a meandering slow traveled so I can accept that. I know more waves are coming but today ( knock on wood) I feel certain that 10o% healing will ocurr....at whatever time it ocurrs.

......Enjoy your ' bounce ' and have a very good day.  coop

 

Coop, I'd like to save some space here and just say "Ditto."  I'm on board with everything you said, I'm where you're at, except my head pressure isn't as bad as yours.  But what's with the rapid cycling?  It makes my head spin.  I like it better than being stuck under the wave, the volcano, whatever.  But is it significant?  I guess what I'm fishing for is, is it indicative of healing?  if you know.  Thanks.

[[Gr...]]

So, when depression waves in, I 'should' just wave back at it and wait for it to pass? Because part of me wants to beat the 'I can't take it. There's got to be a med for this' drum. Again.

 

Around one more time. aghhhhhhh!

 

I do not like depression AT ALL.  It is the one emo that brings despair.  For me I immediately get on the treadmill and exercise.  I call my family and email my prayer partners for happy, funny stories.  The exercise gives me relief after about 10minutes of walking.  I can feel the endorfines releasing.  I also lean into my kids, like how silly or funny they are.  Because the emo hits me between the forehead in the morning I get up and away from it immediately like jumping on the boards.  My counselor also has me do an exercise which works very good.  I list everything from Phillipians 4:8.. whatever things are pure, lovely, good report, ets.. I have list of things that I thank God for.

 

I also immerse myself in other peoples joy and remove myself from my brain.  Does that make sense?  I ask ask ask everyone who is happy why they are in a good mood,etc.  Music is also helpful to me during this emotion.  Put on the happy song. 

 

Sorry you are experiencing this..  It will go away.

 

Yes, it makes sense, M.  This depression is not real, it's benzo depression, and with practice and work, it can be shut down.  Not always, but enough to improve our quality of life.  I work on this because depression can be a sinkhole for me.  so good for you!

[[Mo...]]

Thank you for validating my concerns Jenny and Coop.  Allison also sent me a pm and some people responded to the thread I started.  Green and I have also conversed on it, but I can only ignore for so long and then it wears me down.  I can only go without sleep for so long and then I crash.

 

I assume it's like the head pressure you have Coop.  It's scary because it feels like something is wrong up there.  I have this vision of a gland pumping pumping pumping out toxin to my system.  I will get the blood test done to check everything else.  It's been sitting on my desk for a week. 

 

Thank you again.

 

M, you're doing a lot, kids, marriage, job, in withdrawal.  That's probably the best way to get through this, just proceed with your life.  But it is taxing, it has to be.  Hell, I did that, and it was hard when I wasn't in withdrawal.  Maybe try to find some quiet time just for you.  And get the blood tests, lol.  Feel better. 

PS  My sweats stopped for the time.  Now I have diarrhea :'(

 

Good grief!!!  it's always something with this process.  But I will take diarrhea over these sweats.  Really hoping if I drop the Vit D it will calm my body. 

 

btw.. Love the new pic!!  My sis was a ballerina and has that photo in her room.  She is really pretty like a barbie.  It makes me think of her when I see that photo.

[[Mo...]]

Hi Minnie...happy to see you here...and thank you again for that wonderful article by the Canadian physician...helped me so much to cultivate a patient attitude about healing and trying to ' relax ' into the second year. I know it will be easier than year one....wishing you a very good day ..  coop

 

HI everyone, in a retreat for the head... It is close to a non judgmental intentional community as possible. Here is one things that I know for sure now. As hard as it may be to figure out windows can be welcomed with a change n environment or positive reinforcement I have a few good day up here. The first is a 6 week prior wave. I guess what I realize is that windows can be ushered in with positive reinforcement for our environment. Just wanted to check in and say hello. Love to all. This whole process is so tough but we will make it. That is a fact!

 

God bless you all.

 

Life

 

Life so glad you got that break.  It makes a big difference when we get relief.  I can't wait to hear what you have learned and experienced. 

[[mr...]]

Hi gang,

 

Just wanted to check in and say hi I want to describe some things to see if anyone else has felt this way

 

*feeling "threat" of 'bad' panic -- like, "scenario XYZ happening means 'bad' 'doom/panic'", even though scenario or thing XYZ is NOT threatening or scary. Also having this changes on a daily basis -- it is fine most days, just "appears" "not fine" on a goofy day.

 

*feeling the temporary "revisit" of old & passed faux-fears -- like, you've done task or scenario XYZ 100 times, and overcame 1000 times already, and you KNOW you're NOT afraid of it whatsoever, just on goofy days faux-fear attaches to it.

 

I hope I am describing these correctly. Coop, you mentioned noticing Ativan/lorazepam being a bit of a "bugger" with the symptoms of fear/panic; I think I've also observed this in other Xanax/alprazolam withdrawalers too It has created strength within me like I've never had before -- it is so true that what was meant for my harm has been, and is being, used for my good and betterment -- I'm so excited for who I'm becoming, and who I'll be at the end of all this! I surely don't like walking through it, of course -- but I am grateful for who I am becoming!! I am proud of me. Dare I say? -- yes, I do dare say!

 

In grateful for this thread, and for all the people here. How grand it is to come on here, maybe experiencing thoughts of doubt or lowered hope, only to read that others are, in fact, experiencing the same symptom(s) you are, and to receive reassurance again that, of course, you are doing great and that full recovery belongs to you! Anyways, lol Long story short -- I'm grateful Sending love your way, gang Take care for now

 

Mrs.

 

Hello all,

 

Did anyone get the chance to read this, by chance?  Does it relate to anyone?

 

Thank you for the reassurances, all. I appreciate it a lot.

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[be...]]

HH...I understand your fears going forward.  I am hitting 15 months shortly.  I worry also that this should be moving at a faster pace than it is.  Frustrating having such a miserable time as of late.  In my case, I do attribute it to some outside stressors.  I don't want others to assume that 13-14 months are miserable.  Not necessarily the case, as you've seen from postings.  I am going to wait until my heart issues are resolved and I can put some stressors behind me.  Hopefully, I will be back on track.  Would love to see the sleep resolve and the anxiety wane.

 

 

Green Ice...You're so right.  I am the family worry wart.  More than enough on my part to cover any of my wife's worries.  I need to adapt her one day at a time approach.  Works great for her.  I'm still wrestling with it.

 

Hi all, Hey Gart, I've had more healing in my 14 month off than any other month. I also know how good it feels to finally feel the healing and feeling like crap at the same time. All of this is so up and down that you get so confused on what you're suppose to feel like on a daily basis.

While my waves are getting easier and my baseline has improved, it is still such a huge struggle.

This morning when I was putting my socks on I could not figure out which sock went on the left foot and which went on the fight foot. I sat and sat trying to figure it out, then I finally did, these are not shoes ...they are socks.....lol, my poor brain.

Hugs to all.

[[Mo...]]

Hi gang,

 

Just wanted to check in and say hi I want to describe some things to see if anyone else has felt this way

 

*feeling "threat" of 'bad' panic -- like, "scenario XYZ happening means 'bad' 'doom/panic'", even though scenario or thing XYZ is NOT threatening or scary. Also having this changes on a daily basis -- it is fine most days, just "appears" "not fine" on a goofy day.

 

*feeling the temporary "revisit" of old & passed faux-fears -- like, you've done task or scenario XYZ 100 times, and overcame 1000 times already, and you KNOW you're NOT afraid of it whatsoever, just on goofy days faux-fear attaches to it.

 

I hope I am describing these correctly. Coop, you mentioned noticing Ativan/lorazepam being a bit of a "bugger" with the symptoms of fear/panic; I think I've also observed this in other Xanax/alprazolam withdrawalers too It has created strength within me like I've never had before -- it is so true that what was meant for my harm has been, and is being, used for my good and betterment -- I'm so excited for who I'm becoming, and who I'll be at the end of all this! I surely don't like walking through it, of course -- but I am grateful for who I am becoming!! I am proud of me. Dare I say? -- yes, I do dare say!

 

In grateful for this thread, and for all the people here. How grand it is to come on here, maybe experiencing thoughts of doubt or lowered hope, only to read that others are, in fact, experiencing the same symptom(s) you are, and to receive reassurance again that, of course, you are doing great and that full recovery belongs to you! Anyways, lol Long story short -- I'm grateful Sending love your way, gang Take care for now

 

Mrs.

 

Hello all,

 

Did anyone get the chance to read this, by chance?  Does it relate to anyone?

 

Thank you for the reassurances, all. I appreciate it a lot.

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

 

I was going to respond but waited to see if others did first.  I know Beulah and a few others talk about fear of clothes, showers, etc.  Beulah couldn't go into her closet for a long time.  She one outfit she could wear and that's it.  It might have been Whoot or Sky who said they were afraid to shower.. fear of falling.  Things you have done a million times, but on benzo a new fear pops up from it.  Totally irrational stuff that somehow finds a voice in the normal day to day activity. 

 

I have things like when we went to San Diego a month ago.  I had this 'feeling' we were gong to die.  Then hubby decides to bring up a living will on the drive down there because my oldest asked who would take care of him if we died.  I was sure this was a sign we would be killed that weekend.  We picked a person for the will and notified them.. ugh. 

 

The whole weekend I was looking over my shoulder at possible ways to escape the eminent death.  We made it home and that was that. 

 

I know it's normal to this process.  Sky said she had to sit a certain way with her hand in certain position. 

 

[[Mo...]]

I guess I will give an update my situation.

 

I have been trying to stay super busy doing 'normal' stuff.  Not over doing it, but living like this isn't here.  Hubby and I have fallen in love with the water polo class for my kids.  They are teaching the 3 year old how to swim too and there is nothing cuter then a 3 year old in a speedo.  He screamed for 30min the first night and now he asks to go every day.  Classes fall every night of the week if you want to go, so I'm all over that.

 

At night I have the kids sleeping in the same bed.  It's really awesome snuggling them together.  They are wiped out and sleep comes quickly. 

 

During the day I have been going into the preschool office to work on the website or keeping the kitchen clean as agreed upon with hubby.  If the house must be in chaos..KEEP THE KITCHEN CLEAN!!..haha.  I just finished a big batch of golden chicken bone broth.  It smells amazing. 

 

These past 9 or so weeks have rocked my faith.  All the strategies I have used before weren't working.  I could not find God in it.  Being content in suffering is not my thing.  I like a good sermon of healing and God's deliverance.  Spending my days suffering and panicked are really hard to deal with especially when sleep is evasive.  I talked to my counselor on Tuesday and she suggested I do a bible study on faith and the men and women of 'it' in the bible.  I will admit that it's been hard to spend time meditating, etc.. finding the alone time needed to get mentally focused for this process.  In fact I have not been doing it. 

 

I have not prayed, read my bible, spent time meditating on scripture.. I haven't done any of it because I'm tired.  Sometimes you just want to not need to be on your knees begging God for mercy and running to family members and doctors for reassurance.  Then I try to lay in bed and just 'be' in the process, but it's too loud and miserable.  My heart is with those who have burning nerve pain and tinnitus.  I have been running from this.  Keeping my head above water.  My counselors I start spinning like a top.  Well, YEAH!!  Anyways, time to regroup.  It's not God's fault or mine.. it's just the process and I need to rally.

 

Last night at bible study I shared what this has been like for me.  We are studying the gifts of the spirit and miracles.  I asked for prayer for all of us.  One of my buddies on BB is trying to find a doctor to help her detox from librium.  None of the ones she has gone to give her that feeling of safety to begin this process.  She is kindling and her family is not too supportive.  They don't understand.  We are way ahead of the game even if there is another year to go.  There are many who haven't started the process yet and aren't sure how they will make it.  We have the benefit of being this far into it.

 

I feel positive and motivated today.  Getting sleep last night was amazing.  The world is much brighter when we are rested. 

 

Praying for each of you daily,

MommyR

 

[[ga...]]

Always appreciate prayers, however there are some of us who are atheist or agnostic such as myself.  Coming from a scientific background that's just how I look at the world around me.  I can tell you that I am envious at times. Those of you who can rely on another entity, power or god to help you get through this is a huge plus.  It is tough to deal with when it is only your inner strength alone that you can draw on.  It's great that you can draw on the bible and prayer to help you through this MommyR.  Anything that makes it easier, you just can't argue with.  Good luck and glad you are doing better.  The sleep is everything in my book. 

[[mr...]]

Hi gang,

 

Just wanted to check in and say hi I want to describe some things to see if anyone else has felt this way

 

*feeling "threat" of 'bad' panic -- like, "scenario XYZ happening means 'bad' 'doom/panic'", even though scenario or thing XYZ is NOT threatening or scary. Also having this changes on a daily basis -- it is fine most days, just "appears" "not fine" on a goofy day.

 

*feeling the temporary "revisit" of old & passed faux-fears -- like, you've done task or scenario XYZ 100 times, and overcame 1000 times already, and you KNOW you're NOT afraid of it whatsoever, just on goofy days faux-fear attaches to it.

 

I hope I am describing these correctly. Coop, you mentioned noticing Ativan/lorazepam being a bit of a "bugger" with the symptoms of fear/panic; I think I've also observed this in other Xanax/alprazolam withdrawalers too It has created strength within me like I've never had before -- it is so true that what was meant for my harm has been, and is being, used for my good and betterment -- I'm so excited for who I'm becoming, and who I'll be at the end of all this! I surely don't like walking through it, of course -- but I am grateful for who I am becoming!! I am proud of me. Dare I say? -- yes, I do dare say!

 

In grateful for this thread, and for all the people here. How grand it is to come on here, maybe experiencing thoughts of doubt or lowered hope, only to read that others are, in fact, experiencing the same symptom(s) you are, and to receive reassurance again that, of course, you are doing great and that full recovery belongs to you! Anyways, lol Long story short -- I'm grateful Sending love your way, gang Take care for now

 

Mrs.

 

Hello all,

 

Did anyone get the chance to read this, by chance?  Does it relate to anyone?

 

Thank you for the reassurances, all. I appreciate it a lot.

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

 

I was going to respond but waited to see if others did first.  I know Beulah and a few others talk about fear of clothes, showers, etc.  Beulah couldn't go into her closet for a long time.  She one outfit she could wear and that's it.  It might have been Whoot or Sky who said they were afraid to shower.. fear of falling.  Things you have done a million times, but on benzo a new fear pops up from it.  Totally irrational stuff that somehow finds a voice in the normal day to day activity. 

 

I have things like when we went to San Diego a month ago.  I had this 'feeling' we were gong to die.  Then hubby decides to bring up a living will on the drive down there because my oldest asked who would take care of him if we died.  I was sure this was a sign we would be killed that weekend.  We picked a person for the will and notified them.. ugh. 

 

The whole weekend I was looking over my shoulder at possible ways to escape the eminent death.  We made it home and that was that.

 

I know it's normal to this process.  Sky said she had to sit a certain way with her hand in certain position.

 

oh MommyR.

 

Thank you so much for your response. It brought tears to my eyes. I have a weekend of travel upcoming -- and I AM GOING -- and have been assaulted with thoughts & such, like "God does not want you to go" or "its not in 'his will' for you to be there, therefore I'll be 'unprotected' etc" -- all LIES. I hate them. I hate fear. I HATE it. I speak and believe and reciene NOTHING BUT VICTORY AND JOY AND PEACE over that weekend. The Lord is with me, WHEREVER I go. Thank you Lord,it is done. Victory for the weekend is mine, and thank you for being flexible with me during this time.

 

Thank you for sharing the bolded, MR. It meant a lot to me to hear/read that you've been there, too. And THANK YOU for overcoming and GOING ANYWAYS. You. Are. Awesome.

 

Your victory is here, and now -- you just keep walking steadfast in faith -- stubborn. Refusal. Heels. Dug. In. Don't you let it go, ride that donkey all the way outtakes town if that's what it takes to stinkin' manifest the victory -- I often picture Jacob, wrestling with God, after his blessing. How immovable & stubborn was Jacob to wreslte with God for his heritage & blessing? I don't believe we wrestle with God these days anymore for blessing, since it is already ours in Christ, but I do think that sort of tenacity and stubborn faith in God's words over our circumstances is definitely a huge thing to develop!! Which you are doing. Every day, every moment that you REFUSE to give in to the benzo lies. You are amazing, MommyR. Victory is not coming; it is HERE. In faith, we stand.

 

Love you. Thanks again for reaching out.

 

Mrs.

[[mi...]]

Hi MommyR.....I remember in acute...the only thing that I could muster was an image of Jesus holding and rocking me in his arms...I could not do words...just an image....

 

I remember one night almost screaming... God please I cannot do this....the words that came to me did not seem like my own....I heard, in my head....this is the natural order of things....

 

That may sound weird but it is still so clear to me and I do not remember much else during those first horrific weeks... but for some reason that stuck with me.....and after that I just thought.....it is just that...my body has to take its time to heal...period...it did not reduce my suffering just some.... reassurance that it has to happen this way in order to heal...or it is the way our bodies work through this...it is hard to describe....

 

I guess our bodies are not done with the reboot yet....

 

Hope this made some sense... ..m...

[[ga...]]

Beulah...always good to hear those who  are healing after all this time.  No doubt there will be times of struggle but you are moving in the right direction it sounds like.  Congrats to you and hope it just keeps improving.

[[Mo...]]

Always appreciate prayers, however there are some of us who are atheist or agnostic such as myself.  Coming from a scientific background that's just how I look at the world around me.  I can tell you that I am envious at times. Those of you who can rely on another entity, power or god to help you get through this is a huge plus.  It is tough to deal with when it is only your inner strength alone that you can draw on.  It's great that you can draw on the bible and prayer to help you through this MommyR.  Anything that makes it easier, you just can't argue with.  Good luck and glad you are doing better.  The sleep is everything in my book.

 

Thanks Garton.  Don't how people do it who don't believe in God.  I am aware not everyone on here believes as I do, but I am still praying for ya!  When I get to the end of myself during this process, I have no where to turn but up.  My inner strength is jello at times.  There is so much comfort in handing the situation over to someone else you believe can do better with it then you can. 

 

Keep on keeping on.. we are doing this together no matter what resources we use.  I am in good company.  Sleep sleep... yes, it really matters. 

 

MommyR

[[ga...]]

Thanks MommyR....I have been told if I had a belief in some higher power this would be a lot easier.  Maybe, many other things in life would too.  There is the "faith" part of me that has always been missing.  Just one of those folks who has to see it to believe it. 

 

Glad your there for me and others who are dealing with this w/d and getting some semblance of normalcy back in our lives. Even though we don't know each other personally(almost feels like we do) we all can share in the issues that entail getting off and staying off these meds once and for all. 

[[Mo...]]

Hi MommyR.....I remember in acute...the only thing that I could muster was an image of Jesus holding and rocking me in his arms...I could not do words...just an image....

 

I remember one night almost screaming... God please I cannot do this....the words that came to me did not seem like my own....I heard, in my head....this is the natural order of things....

 

That may sound weird but it is still so clear to me and I do not remember much else during those first horrific weeks... but for some reason that stuck with me.....and after that I just thought.....it is just that...my body has to take its time to heal...period...it did not reduce my suffering just some.... reassurance that it has to happen this way in order to heal...or it is the way our bodies work through this...it is hard to describe....

 

I guess our bodies are not done with the reboot yet....

 

Hope this made some sense... ..m...

 

Minnie, it makes perfect sense.  It is why these past 9 weeks have been so horrible for me.  During taper and allllll they way up to these past 9 weeks, I have had what you described.  I would get a word here and there like a bread crumb trail.  There is a Pastor I listen to who said to me.. One word from God is better then one from a thousand people.  He's so right.  It's why we read our bibles and pray.  To get that one message that will bridge us and carry us thru.  I have had that until now.  I know what you mean when you got that message and good for you that it was enough.  I am a huuuuuge wimp.  Remember.. I'm the baby in the family.  My mom still puts me and my boys to bed when she visits and I"m 47! (that made me giggle)

 

It's been absolute silence.  Nothing spoken to me or ministered.  My resources were exhausted.  For me right now, I am going to do the bible study on men and women of faith.  I really want to be at peace in this.  My pastor told me last night that the mental anguish we are experiencing is making it hard for us to stand on our beliefs because of the very nature of the drugs.  He told me to continue doing what I am, which I agree. 

 

I get so weary and think of Elijah.  The guy called fire down from heaven but ran scared from Jezebel.  He sat down and asked God to take his life.  I don't feel like that but this guy was at the end of himself.  It didn't matter that he knew what God could do.. he was tired.  So God sent an angel to minister to him and feed him.  You guys get to be my angel.

 

I am soooo glad you posted all the stuff from the doctor.  You are really strong and I'm grateful that you shared how this was for you.  I keep expecting a lightening bolt in the corner with a flaming note..'GOOD JOB, ALMOST DONE'.. except I'd be paranoid the note meant death was eminent..haha.

 

Ah the process.. you guys are so amazing comforting me. 

 

MommyR

[[Mo...]]

Thanks MommyR....I have been told if I had a belief in some higher power this would be a lot easier.  Maybe, many other things in life would too.  There is the "faith" part of me that has always been missing.  Just one of those folks who has to see it to believe it. 

 

Glad your there for me and others who are dealing with this w/d and getting some semblance of normalcy back in our lives. Even though we don't know each other personally(almost feels like we do) we all can share in the issues that entail getting off and staying off these meds once and for all. 

 

I love people who need to see it to believe.. because when they see it, we get an awesome story!  Even Thomas (he's a guy in the bible.. it's where the doubling Thomas term came from),  said he had to see the nail scared hands before he would believe.  So he got to see it and went on to be one of the greatest witnesses to Jesus Christ.  Anyways, for what it's worth.. I will pray you get to see it.  Nothing wrong with that.  I love a good.. 'I didn't believe and then an angel stood at my door with a flaming banner' story..hehe

[[mi...]]

Hi MommyR.....You are the strong one.....you are taking care of little ones while going through this... that is amazing ...

 

I am not always strong but thankyou for the kind words ....

 

My faith is always there but it gets lost in this mess sometimes....I just always believe that God never leaves us never...even though we feel that way.....but those are just our human feelings....which change constantly....God never changes.....

 

I also believe we are going through this for a reason....we may never know why... but he has his plans...when we give ourselves over to him and ask him to use us we may not be prepared for Gods ideas for that ....which by the way does not always line up with mine :tickedoff: ....

 

We can be here for others that is something that is really clear...but the rest well.... :idiot:....

 

Take care mommy He has got your back ..m..

 

 

 

 

[[je...]]

Hi Jenny...how are you doing? I was glad to see your post yesterday. I was thinking about you and hoping that you are feeling better. ..coop

 

 

Hi Coop, thanks for thinking of me   Like you Iam dealing with this head pressure and it is not giving me any breaks. I wake up with it everyday and it seems to get worse throughout the day and by night time Iam just completely done! If I didn't have this sx Id be feeling pretty good. I wonder what the head pressure is from?? Birdman said its excess glutamate, I don't know why I would have excess now and not 3 months ago when I had no head pressure. How are you Coop? Still dealing with this sx too?  Jenny

[[Mo...]]

Hi gang,

 

Just wanted to check in and say hi I want to describe some things to see if anyone else has felt this way

 

*feeling "threat" of 'bad' panic -- like, "scenario XYZ happening means 'bad' 'doom/panic'", even though scenario or thing XYZ is NOT threatening or scary. Also having this changes on a daily basis -- it is fine most days, just "appears" "not fine" on a goofy day.

 

*feeling the temporary "revisit" of old & passed faux-fears -- like, you've done task or scenario XYZ 100 times, and overcame 1000 times already, and you KNOW you're NOT afraid of it whatsoever, just on goofy days faux-fear attaches to it.

 

I hope I am describing these correctly. Coop, you mentioned noticing Ativan/lorazepam being a bit of a "bugger" with the symptoms of fear/panic; I think I've also observed this in other Xanax/alprazolam withdrawalers too It has created strength within me like I've never had before -- it is so true that what was meant for my harm has been, and is being, used for my good and betterment -- I'm so excited for who I'm becoming, and who I'll be at the end of all this! I surely don't like walking through it, of course -- but I am grateful for who I am becoming!! I am proud of me. Dare I say? -- yes, I do dare say!

 

In grateful for this thread, and for all the people here. How grand it is to come on here, maybe experiencing thoughts of doubt or lowered hope, only to read that others are, in fact, experiencing the same symptom(s) you are, and to receive reassurance again that, of course, you are doing great and that full recovery belongs to you! Anyways, lol Long story short -- I'm grateful Sending love your way, gang Take care for now

 

Mrs.

 

Hello all,

 

Did anyone get the chance to read this, by chance?  Does it relate to anyone?

 

Thank you for the reassurances, all. I appreciate it a lot.

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

 

I was going to respond but waited to see if others did first.  I know Beulah and a few others talk about fear of clothes, showers, etc.  Beulah couldn't go into her closet for a long time.  She one outfit she could wear and that's it.  It might have been Whoot or Sky who said they were afraid to shower.. fear of falling.  Things you have done a million times, but on benzo a new fear pops up from it.  Totally irrational stuff that somehow finds a voice in the normal day to day activity. 

 

I have things like when we went to San Diego a month ago.  I had this 'feeling' we were gong to die.  Then hubby decides to bring up a living will on the drive down there because my oldest asked who would take care of him if we died.  I was sure this was a sign we would be killed that weekend.  We picked a person for the will and notified them.. ugh. 

 

The whole weekend I was looking over my shoulder at possible ways to escape the eminent death.  We made it home and that was that.

 

I know it's normal to this process.  Sky said she had to sit a certain way with her hand in certain position.

 

oh MommyR.

 

Thank you so much for your response. It brought tears to my eyes. I have a weekend of travel upcoming -- and I AM GOING -- and have been assaulted with thoughts & such, like "God does not want you to go" or "its not in 'his will' for you to be there, therefore I'll be 'unprotected' etc" -- all LIES. I hate them. I hate fear. I HATE it. I speak and believe and reciene NOTHING BUT VICTORY AND JOY AND PEACE over that weekend. The Lord is with me, WHEREVER I go. Thank you Lord,it is done. Victory for the weekend is mine, and thank you for being flexible with me during this time.

 

Thank you for sharing the bolded, MR. It meant a lot to me to hear/read that you've been there, too. And THANK YOU for overcoming and GOING ANYWAYS. You. Are. Awesome.

 

Your victory is here, and now -- you just keep walking steadfast in faith -- stubborn. Refusal. Heels. Dug. In. Don't you let it go, ride that donkey all the way outtakes town if that's what it takes to stinkin' manifest the victory -- I often picture Jacob, wrestling with God, after his blessing. How immovable & stubborn was Jacob to wreslte with God for his heritage & blessing? I don't believe we wrestle with God these days anymore for blessing, since it is already ours in Christ, but I do think that sort of tenacity and stubborn faith in God's words over our circumstances is definitely a huge thing to develop!! Which you are doing. Every day, every moment that you REFUSE to give in to the benzo lies. You are amazing, MommyR. Victory is not coming; it is HERE. In faith, we stand.

 

Love you. Thanks again for reaching out.

 

Mrs.

 

Mrs, anytime one of my lovely stories of panaroid thoughts and fearful musing can help someone else, it makes this process that much more livable.  I have the thought of Moses a lot.  He had to go forward in his fear.  We can't stop living because of this.  Sometimes we do need to take it easy, but when I really want to do something I go forward in fear much of the time.  My job is mom and wife.. when withdrawal doesn't have me hog tied, I do my part. 

 

YOU are amazing Mrs.  I told my Pastor about you last night.  hahahah.. BB was in the house at bible study last night! 

 

I was listening to Charles Stanley yesterday.  He was naming all the different kinds of faith there is ..  I am lacking in certain areas..haha.  Yes, victory is ours.  I am in agreement.  It's about being steadfast.  You have put a smile on my face dear Mrs.

 

Please write down your fears and doubts on a piece of paper before you leave for the trip.  Write a counter truth to the lie benzo is feeding you.  Don't wait for it to happen.  Having a sheet of paper with my fears countered has carried me thru many many times.  When we flew back from the East coast and I got slammed with a panic attack on the air plane that almost had me pass out, the only thing that saved me was a small script my counselor and I had written out week before we left.. I had it scribbled down.  Little did I know it would be the last leg of my trip I needed it. 

 

1) He ordained this 24 hour period and nothing can happen to me that he doesn't allow (fear of terrorist attack)

2) The helmet of salvation is real the blood of Jesus Christ covers me ( controlling my thoughts)

3) Planes are not allowed to leave the ground without thorough inspection and that things are functioning, so I am safe to on this plane and can relax in safety (fear of crashing)

4) Turbulance is a roller coaster made in the air, but it's safe and can be fun (ugh)

 

The only one that worked was number 1 but at least I had my bases covered.  If you can't pit a finger on the exact fear or lie then go back to the path that got you to the trip.  God is not a God a fear.  He knows your heart and that you want to please him.  He is not going to trick you or test you when experiencing weak mental facilities.  You prayed.. the answer was yes.. so be it. 

 

I am with you on this Mrs.  You can do it!!  Think of all the fun you want to have.  All the things you want to experience.  It makes it so much more doable.  Please keep me posted... You know I'm here for you. 

[[Mo...]]

Hi Jenny...how are you doing? I was glad to see your post yesterday. I was thinking about you and hoping that you are feeling better. ..coop

 

 

Hi Coop, thanks for thinking of me   Like you Iam dealing with this head pressure and it is not giving me any breaks. I wake up with it everyday and it seems to get worse throughout the day and by night time Iam just completely done! If I didn't have this sx Id be feeling pretty good. I wonder what the head pressure is from?? Birdman said its excess glutamate, I don't know why I would have excess now and not 3 months ago when I had no head pressure. How are you Coop? Still dealing with this sx too?  Jenny

 

Jenny did you try the ibuprofen trick?  I remember the thread on this.  Just curious.  During taper I took 600mg daily. 

[[Mo...]]

Hi MommyR.....You are the strong one.....you are taking care of little ones while going through this... that is amazing ...

 

I am not always strong but thankyou for the kind words ....

 

My faith is always there but it gets lost in this mess sometimes....I just always believe that God never leaves us never...even though we feel that way.....but those are just our human feelings....which change constantly....God never changes.....

 

I also believe we are going through this for a reason....we may never know why... but he has his plans...when we give ourselves over to him and ask him to use us we may not be prepared for Gods ideas for that ....which by the way does not always line up with mine :tickedoff: ....

 

We can be here for others that is something that is really clear...but the rest well.... :idiot:....

 

Take care mommy He has got your back ..m..

 

LOL on the slamming head against emo..that gave me a chuckle.  Yup Yup..  he's got my back...