in despair after so called psych appointment

[[da...]]

Thanks Hope that is a great post and so encouraging.

 

I have been suffering from this issue for some time so am pretty clued up on this subject.  As you say the liver is probably the most robust organ in the body.  When I was last in hospital i underwent an ultrasound and the condition of my liver is as you describe and completely reversible provided i abstain from alcohol.

 

To leave hospital and resume drinking is not an option. Rest assured I am under no illusion about this and l am not going to leave this planet just yet.

 

I have never been more determined about anything in my life. I think of my mother looking down telling me that I must do this.

 

I will succeed in beating both demons but am not naive and know it will be hard work.

 

Best wishes

 

D

 

 

[[Ho...]]

Yes, it will be difficult and you may not do it perfectly but you'll learn more and more about yourself and the strength you have and that will feel very empowering and empowerment feels so much better than being loaded. It's a big picture kinda deal and if you work with that in mind it will help so much. We all seem to need/want  instant gratification. For some it's benzos, others it's alcohol, food, sex...whatever their demon is. It's about pushing aside the need to instantly feel better and replacing it with how it will feel when you are finally free one day.

 

Alcohol is a tough one. I've known many alcoholics in my time...but it can definitely be conquered.

 

I imagine there are loads of forums like BB for alcoholics. It might be an idea to find a forum to help support you for when you are released from hospital. We here at BB are great support for those trying to get off benzos but it's not the same kind of support you may need for abstaining from alcohol. You have the time to find a forum that would be a good fit for you right now. It's just an idea. 

[[da...]]

What can I say hope. You have consistently been there for me in recent weeks. Because of this it is my personal mission not to let you down.

 

As regards the alcohol I did once attend a meeting, however did not go well. They invited me to speak - big mistake. I will however seek out a suitable forum perhaps based on the BB model.

 

Thanks again hope.

 

God bless

 

D

 

 

[Guest [Po...]]

I am so glad you are able to be in a Private Hospital Dandy.  As far as your taper goes, please don't forget about Una Corbett, she can intervene with GP's etc if they try to taper you too fast.  I edited out her number from my previous post because she doesn't like her number (which is different from the BAT helpline number) being made too public - but if you need it let me know and I will pm you with it.

 

Very best again!!

 

and don't forget she does support groups for alcohol/benzo clients too

[[ih...]]

Glad you are not too uncomfortable, Dandy.

 

If you are looking for a supportive forum, I have done some counselling work with this site, (not on the alcohol thread), but I did check it out & I think you may find it helpful:-

 

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Alcoholism/show/158

 

Best wishes.

[[gr...]]

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=91108.msg1174839#msg1174839

Dear Sue

 

I am lucky by the sound of it. This is a public hospital but as you may know everything is absolutely free of charge charge in the UK.  I fell lucky by getting allocated this single room with my own shower and tv.  It is like home from home so I can't complain. Medical staff are wonderful. I can use this smart phone whenever I want.

 

I hope you are are feeling okay and healing well. I fear I will be in hospital for a while yet.

 

Speak soon.

 

God bless

.

 

I am in a private hospital so to some extent l have an element of control. I am not stupid and know this is a long process particularly given the amount I was on. I will be vigilant.

 

I hope this assuages what I know is your genuine concern.

 

Regards

 

D

[[da...]]

Hello Greengirl

 

I am in fact in a hospital in London with a NHS wing and a private wing.

 

I have health insurance so am in the private wing hence the single room with TV, shower etc.

 

However,  I believe the standard of care is equal wherever you stay. The NHS is free and excellent in most cases.

 

Take care

 

D

[[da...]]

Ihope

 

Thanks for that information I will certainly follow that up.It is good to have a referral from someone with experience of the resource.

 

Thanks

 

D

[[da...]]

Apologies Polenta

 

I didn't make a note of Una's number. I remember it started 0117 which I believe is a Bristol number but did not note down the rest.

 

If you could PM me that would be great.

 

Thanks

 

D

 

[Guest [Po...]]

hello again Dandy, I will pm the number when you need it, I think you have enough info to deal with in hospital at the moment.

 

PLEASE don't waste your energy on the stupid queries you keep getting about your "story"......  I wish I could have remained as  "with it" as you have been on your high benzo dose!!

 

If ppl don't understand what it is like on a high dose of benzos (in my case, 11 mg of Ativan plus other mind altering drugs), it's their problem, not yours.

[[da...]]

Hi polenta

 

That's fine; I  have read about BATS who I believe reside in Bristol but of course only their own general number is advertised.

 

I have tried ativan in the past with alcohol. Not a good combo. As for the random other stuff its water off a ducks back. I will now not give out any detailed medical information except in a P M.

 

Take care

 

D

[[pi...]]

Hello Dandy,

 

It seems you are handling your health situation very well and are in good hands in the hospital.  I wish you the best with your liver testing.  I know that 55 might seem too old to start anew but I completed my taper when I was 60 and I know I have a whole lot of living left to do and now I can do it healthy and drug free. You can too.

 

pianogirl

[[Mc...]]

Dandy

I have been following your post before and since you went into the hospital. You will get better. You already sound better. Take care  you know what they say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

Sue

[[Sv...]]

Hello Dandy,

 

In my experience I found it possible to be aggressive with your initial cuts in medication. As you get lower in your overall dose though, the same cut in terms of milligrams becomes a larger percent of your overall. So please bear in mind to reduce your cuts as you near the end of your taper. I know that may feel like its miles away, but I feel it's good to have in your plan.

 

I was cutting 0.25 mg in my cuts right from the start and they really weren't a big deal. I went from 1 mg to 0.25 mg in a month. Still worked full time. Still exercised every day at 6 AM. I was a bit agitated and had memory loss.

 

That last cut from 0.25 mg to zero. A big mistake on my part....

 

Wish you all the best. Your liver will be fine. It can take a heck of a beating. I'm living proof of that...

 

 

 

[[da...]]

Pianogirl / Sue/Svenhoak

 

Please forgive the tripartite reply. Typing on a phone is not so easy at least for me. Pianogirl you are certainly an inspiration and I believe you still work.

 

Sue, thanks for your support its much appreciated.

 

Svenhoak, Cheers for advice about the taper I get the rationale. If your liver is okay then so should mine

 

Best wishes

 

D

 

[[co...]]

This is the first time I have read through this thread and, I don't mind admitting, I am in tears.

 

I have been in such a similar situation some years ago, the internal bleeding, borderline liver damage, which is now fully recovered. I have had a few relapses, but mild in comparison. I am not sure I should have read this or not, but my heart goes out to you dandyhighwayman, it takes a lot of strength and courage to handle your situation, and you have it in abundance, I assure you.

 

You'll get through this, and feel a wonderful sense of relief when you do. But please, make sure it's the last time, OK man?

 

I wish one day I could meet you and shake your hand, when we are both living our future happy lives. Such change is possible, I have seen it, and it's my plan. Make it yours too.

 

best of wishes, I will be thinking of you, and keeping up with your progress.

 

coots

 

 

[[Is...]]

This is the first time I have read through this thread and, I don't mind admitting, I am in tears.

 

I have been in such a similar situation some years ago, the internal bleeding, borderline liver damage, which is now fully recovered. I have had a few relapses, but mild in comparison. I am not sure I should have read this or not, but my heart goes out to you dandyhighwayman, it takes a lot of strength and courage to handle your situation, and you have it in abundance, I assure you.

 

You'll get through this, and feel a wonderful sense of relief when you do. But please, make sure it's the last time, OK man?

 

I wish one day I could meet you and shake your hand, when we are both living our future happy lives. Such change is possible, I have seen it, and it's my plan. Make it yours too.

 

best of wishes, I will be thinking of you, and keeping up with your progress.

 

coots

 

 

 

This is beautiful, and exactly the type of support Dandy needs. God bless you, Coots! 

[[da...]]

Coots48

 

Apologies for late reply it is 04.45 in London.  I must have retired for the night just before you posted. It is a truly stunning message and to read this first thing in the morning is awesome.This has been a roller coaster couple of weeks and very emotional. I hope you cried tears of joy.

 

Sounds like your story is very similar but you of course had relationship issues and then had to raise your daughter at a critical age in her development.

 

Also we have had similar health problems.  Until recently it has been alcohol that has blighted my life but it was one hell of a ride. Amazingly I managed to hold down a fairly high profile job until I was 45 and a victim of mass redundancy. I had a some fun with the pay off however.

 

Now I find myself in hospital with benzo issues which I will beat but still waiting for this biopsy of my liver. Hopefully may get it done today.

 

I would like to meet you as well; are you in the States a place I have yet to visit. As for relapses tell me about it. The problem is that when you are told that the liver is okay peer pressure comes into play and it is so easy to take a drink. However, I am pretty determined this time as I don't want to leave this planet just yet.

 

I have still got to beat the clonazepam thing I was on massive doses but seem to be doing okay by switching to diazepam. Beating benzos is tougher than alcohol as I am sure you know my friend.

 

I am going to be here for a few weeks I think and please post again and I will let you know how things turn out.

 

Finally I must tell you that your message has really moved me at the start of the day but in a very positive way and am so glad you have found happiness.

 

Farewell for now my friend.

 

God bless

 

D

 

Note: Good Grief I see you are just down the road in Kent.

[[co...]]

Yes, I am in the UK.

 

Thankfully, I have finally lost all craving for alcohol, hate it with a passion. Dampens the social life somewhat, but health comes first.

I was up to the equivalent of 140mg diazepam just a few months ago, and started my diazepam taper at 60mg.

You will be fine. Tiredness is my main issue at the moment. But that's nothing compared to what went before.

I've not quite found the happiness I need just yet, but I know I am on the right path.

 

A counselor once said to me, and I paraphrase, 'imagine you are on your deathbed, and realise that you didn't make it, you didn't realise your dreams, didn't live the life you really wanted' 

 

Powerful words that have stayed with me for years. I am not going to let that happen. There has always been something in my subconscious, throughout all the mental pain, that I just couldn't let go of. That something is called hope. There is always hope.

 

keep up the good work, sounds like a nice hospital, exactly what you needed.

 

coots

[[da...]]

Coots

 

That counsellors words are quite thought provoking as time rolls on.

 

I know what you mean about tiredness; I went back to sleep after I last posted and felt knackered with headache. I told the nurse and she got me some painkillers and morning dose of diazepam. Within about 15 minutes I felt okay and am now posting. However,  obviously I am still dependent on chemicals.

 

I really hope you find the happiness you desire;  I am sure it will happen soon. I think our bodies go into such shock that is why it takes some time to recover. I know my body has received a good battering over the past couple of years.

 

Anyway hope to have that biopsy today because I am still anxious about the latest state of my liver.

 

Best wishes

 

D

[[su...]]

Hi dandy,

There are many similarities and indeed, direct paralells between benzo and alcohol.

I believe that if you beat the benzos, then in the most part, you've then already beaten alcohol as well.

They both run on the gabe system and glutamate of course is involved too.

Also, slipping up with alcohol can affect the benzo recovery too, so be very careful, even after you feel completely healed again.

You're on the right trac, it all looks excellent for you, Good luck!!!

 

[[da...]]

surprised1

 

Thanks for your message. Yes I have been told that i must abstain from alcohol mainly because of the risk of further damage to my liver. But you are correct of course about the correlation of both substances on the brain. I therefore must be vigilant when I am finally off benzos.

 

I am not having a great day today just feeling a bit down. However, I look forward to my brother and sister visiting this afternoon. I am sure I will feel better after lunch. I also know it will take some time before I feel 100% well.

 

Thanks again it is appreciated.

 

Best wishes

 

D

 

[[su...]]

Yes, there are going to be ups and downs, there will be windows and most likely some nasty waves.

Just keep in mind when you feel bad, that the benzos are the cause of that feeling, not the cure, so you'll be less likely to fall off the wagon!

It's not to say you can never drink again, but during recovery, and for a good while after you feel totally healed, it's best to not go there!

I did the experiment a week or so back during a holiday, had quite a few drinks, and it cost me a week of anxiety, so it is definitely involved!

Good luck, and we'll be here for you!

 

[[da...]]

Yeah I know what you mean temptation is all around and on has to be vigilant. I am not the sort of person past or present who can stop at just one drink. Neither can i quietly just sit sipping a Cola.

 

Need to think hard about this.

 

Cheers

 

D

[[co...]]

Yeah I know what you mean temptation is all around and on has to be vigilant. I am not the sort of person past or present who can stop at just one drink. Neither can i quietly just sit sipping a Cola.

 

Need to think hard about this.

 

Cheers

 

D

 

I know the feeling. I know I could not have just one drink right now, as I know well that would lead to, and I don't want to go there. And to be amongst others drinking, whilst having a soft drink is very hard.

There have been times in between when I have drank normally, gone out socially, with no consequences other than a hangover. The key is how you are mentally at the time. I was stable, doing well at work and comfortable at the time, so I wasn't drinking to ease any anxiety. Number one rule, do not use it as a medicine. Ever.

It may take years, but what price can you put on your future health and happiness?

It can be an uncomfortable and painfully long journey, but keep your eye on that little light at the end of the tunnel as it grows ever larger, and don't bow to pressure from others.

 

coots