in despair after so called psych appointment

[[da...]]

Hi coots

 

I find this very difficult and conflicting. My mother spent 6 months in hospital before passing away. I have two siblings but they lived hundreds of miles away from the hospital whilst I lived two miles away. At this time I was drinking heavily yet had to visit my mother almost daily.

 

My solution was to take clonazepam during the morning and then drive and visit from 3-4pm drive home and then go down the pub and drink 5/6 pints and walk home.

 

Of course in the morning the cycle would start again I.e take clonazepam and visit and this went on for 6 months. I even spoke at the funeral loaded with clonazepam and it went down a storm.

 

This is the only way I could fulfil my obligations to my mother and strangely nobody suspected a thing. However,  I was careful with the clonazepam when driving.

 

Now that my liver is not in great shape I need to be very careful with alcohol.  Also if I do drink I know I will suffer withdrawal in the morning and will need benzos. So it is a vicious circle.

 

I hope that ramble made sense but that is the way it is.

 

Good luck

 

D

[[Sv...]]

Your story sounds very familiar Dandy. Pub at the end of my street. Going through tolerance withdrawal every day, though if had no idea at the time, have a half dozen pints and walk home. The morning clonazapam helped take the edge off from the pints the night before.

 

I hope you're having a good day. Sounds like you've pulled things together on the right track!

 

 

[[da...]]

Well at least now I can put it all out there. How I got through that period I will never know but it was the only way to function in the circumstances.

 

That is why I am very very wary of alcohol. 19 days off now.

 

If I can just get off these benzos and lead a boring life. 

 

 

 

[[pi...]]

Life does not need to be boring without alcohol and benzos.  In fact, it can be very interesting, fulfilling, enjoyable, healthy and happy.

 

PG

[[Ho...]]

Life does not need to be boring without alcohol and benzos.  In fact, it can be very interesting, fulfilling, enjoyable, healthy and happy.

 

PG

 

pg is right. There's so much going on just outside your door. I get a lot of joy by just taking a walk in nature and smelling the fresh air. If ya like shopping for shoes, life is even better.   Just kidding. Sorta. 

[[da...]]

Yes I am sure you are right. I would have to go back some 30 years to remember that sort of life. Not to say I have not fulfilled most of my ambitions in the meantime. Only started benzos circa 2006ish.

 

Lyiñg here watching some banal tv it's difficult to imagine the life you describe.  You know I have been thinking a great deal trying to analyse what I can do when this is all over. I have thought of voluntary work, mentoring something my mother would have been proud of. She had visions of me teaching something I have dabbled in. I guess something will crop up.

 

Apologies PG feeling a trifle melancholy this evening.

 

It's strange but if I see people enjoying themselves on tv I turn it off. Most odd.

 

Physically feeling okay but mentally confused.

 

Having said all that thus far bad situations in my life have tended to turn out okay. Just hope have not used ninth life.

 

Must remain optimistic I guess.

 

Take care

 

Dan

 

[[Is...]]

Dan,

 

I promise if you stay the course, things WILL get better. I haven't taken a drink in 3 years, 4 months. No one, including myself, ever thought I would be able to stay on the wagon. Yet I have, and wouldn't take a drink no matter what. Things got better. Now the clonazepam. 

 

Isee

 

[[pa...]]

Yes I am sure you are right. I would have to go back some 30 years to remember that sort of life. Not to say I have not fulfilled most of my ambitions in the meantime. Only started benzos circa 2006ish.

 

Lyiñg here watching some banal tv it's difficult to imagine the life you describe.  You know I have been thinking a great deal trying to analyse what I can do when this is all over. I have thought of voluntary work, mentoring something my mother would have been proud of. She had visions of me teaching something I have dabbled in. I guess something will crop up.

 

Apologies PG feeling a trifle melancholy this evening.

 

It's strange but if I see people enjoying themselves on tv I turn it off. Most odd.

 

Physically feeling okay but mentally confused.

 

Having said all that thus far bad situations in my life have tended to turn out okay. Just hope have not used ninth life.

 

Must remain optimistic I guess.

 

Take care

 

Dan

 

 

Hey Dandy,

 

I did that with TV too. Just rest.  It may be several months or more of just getting through. It's hated, but you will get through it. Try not to expect yourself to live up to your old self right now. There is no way I could do 90% of what I did before during early recovery. I could not even unload the dishwasher.  Really. No. I was too brain tired.  Hard to explain if that type of brain disruption didn't happen to you in recovery, but I felt like a shell of myself.  That has all gone. I keep checking in here on your thread - and most of my messages are the same.  I want to acknowledge to you that what you are feeling is normal - and the confusion, the mood, all of it.  Recovery is a long process, but it will happen.  This morning, I got up and got 2 kids off to school and washed and waxed 2 cars.  Baked cookies. Cooking fresh salmon for dinner.  It didn't seem like my ability or brain ability would ever be back to that.  Physically, mentally and cognitively,  I was totally wrecked.  Tomorrow will be 2 years off benzos.  It' s long - but it's obvious I got better.  I dont' tell you this to scare you in that in will be a super long recovery.  But to promise you - that even if recovery is long - it is a process - one where you are getting better as you go along - not one where all days will feel like today.  So - if ever you think - I can't last that long! - remember that it's not the same the entire time. It changes over time.  For now - just rest and don't expect anything of yourself. That type of "live and let go" was a challenge for me. But it also taught me that the entire world didn't fall apart while I was healing - and that life can handle my being sick and needing to recover.  We all get a chance in life to need to just heal - whatever it may be from.  This is yours.  Just rest. 

 

:)Parker

[[co...]]

Nice to hear you already looking forward Dandy, I just know you're going to come out of this for the better.

Just signed up for voluntary work myself, and I am actually looking forward to it. To think, I used to need a drink just to go out of the house to get some more drink! Crazy days, but gladly behind me.

 

keep looking for the positives. Yes, there really are positives in this life. Honest!

 

coots

 

 

[Guest [Ob...]]

Hi Dan: Stopped by for another quick visit. Just wanted to say hello and let you know I've kept up with your progress and am always keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Your friend - Obsid

[[da...]]

Isee, parker and coots

 

You guys raise so many issues unusually I am lost for words. I am sorry but too tired for separate replies. Using phone no computer. Might ask my brother to get a laptop as I think I am going to be stuck in here for some time.

 

Firstly I have not taken alcohol for 20 days which is a start I guess. I too recall having to have a drink just to get more drink as you say so crazy.

 

For some strange reason I am desperately craving sugar so when my sister rocked up this afternoon I virtually insisted that she go and get chocolate,  candy, cakes anything. I think she thought I was mad. I have no idea what my weight is but I get weighed every two days.

 

Parker I really don't want to believe that this is going to take two years I will be a geriatric by then.

 

It's amazing what you accomplished today couldn't possibly manage that.

 

Still waiting for liver biopsy should be done this week hopefully. Events seem to happen so slowly. Having said all that deep down I need to be here for my own safety and future.

 

Isee you are a constant source of support and encouragement. Please all of you keep posting if you are able because it keeps my brain active.

 

I am now 55 all I want is a normal fully functional life. Is that too much to ask but it surely won't take two years. I am sorry but I refuse to even think about that timescale.

 

I am sorry if this post is disjointed but I am anxious and maudling tonight.

 

I think I will read the Bible by my bed.

 

God bless you all

 

Dan

[[da...]]

Obsid

 

You are indeed a dear friend. You can probably gauge by my response to coots, parker and isee that I am not great tonight. You will notice that I refuse to believe it will take two years to be fully functional again. I just don't accept it.

 

I am sorry I don't mean to sound so tetchy but I am getting so frustrated at the slow pace of activity. I am being well looked after and my siblings are great.

 

Thanks Obsid - look forward to your posts in fact all posts.

 

God bless

 

Dan

 

[[Ho...]]

Dandy,

 

All your thoughts you've typed this afternoon are so common while in withdrawal. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but trust me when I say that is it there. I remember feeling exactly the same way. It's like switch is flipped in your head and all of a sudden everything looks and feels different....and not in a good way.

 

These thoughts and feelings are temporary and when this is all over you will see the light again and feel the warmth of it and be happy you're alive...and so proud of what you've accomplished. There will be no limit as to what you can accomplish. But for now, you have to get through this difficult time and take care of yourself so you will be well and able to appreciate all that life has to offer.

 

Btw, being in hospital can be a drag so I don't blame you for feeling melancholy right now. When you get home I think things will look better to you.

 

Hang in there. Keep posting and we'll all help to get you through all of this. You're not alone.

[Guest [Ob...]]

Dan,

 

I hope you can feel better psychologically soon. I am 57, and although this process seems long, there is still plenty of us left at the end of this journey to live a good life. Sleep well tonight my JUNIOR friend.

 

Obsid

[[da...]]

Dear Hope

 

Your posts always get straight to the point and nub of the matter. I completely get your message and your recognition of my thoughts.

 

Clearly you have read the many posts so I won't repeat the issues. However,  I will say that you must sense my frustration.

 

Also,  if it wasn't for the regular interaction with BB I think I would really lose my mind. Daytime tv is banal nurses are great but just pop in to take observations and then doctors come round at about 10.00. It is just so institutional.

 

Luckily my brother and sister visit when possible.

 

Obsid my senior friend thanks once again for your continuing support and encouragement.

 

God bless

 

Dan

[[co...]]

If you read Parker's post again, you will see that he's talking about a journey of maybe two years. It doesn't mean it will be two years of hell. There will be ups and downs, and the ups will gradually become more frequent along the way. Sure, it's a challenge, but you are at a fork in the road Dandy, and I can see that you cannot currently decide which road to go down, which is understandable.

Whichever road you decide to follow when the time is right, either one will require a lot of strength and courage, and both may be painful, at times.  But down one of those roads is the possibility that will bring back the joy in your life, the possibility of a fresh start, the possibility of feeling excitement about what lies ahead and, at 55, you can have many, many more years to enjoy that new life, one that you truly deserve.

I needn't tell you what may lie ahead down the other fork in that road.

 

I have taken that wrong road more than once, and I feel so grateful now that I am still here, and I finally get that chance to see what is in the other direction. Sure, I am scared about my journey forward, but I see so much pain down that other path, that I now see a barrier that won't even let me go that way.

 

Take your time, concentrate on the present, on getting through this phase. Then you will see more clearly the path ahead.

 

have a good nights rest my friend,

 

coots

[[Pi...]]

Just stopping by to give u a hug. I was wondering , do u like crosswords? Or word games. There must b something u can do with your time to distract from what is happening. How long are your brother and sister able to stay? I think u said they don't live close? I hope they can be there for a long visit.

  Family obviously are important to you. My brain is not good today so I will take my leave.

          Pinkee

[[Sv...]]

Dandy, just read through your post and you were wondering about your sugar cravings. It's the remeron that causes those, so don't fret. As I type this I'm scooping another bowl of ice cream...

 

Bottom line is that you're headed in the right direction. Remember that recovery from benzos is nonlinear. Good today, crappy tomorrow, who knows the next day...

 

Think of it as an investment, like playing the stock market. It's a progression in the right direction, but there will be highs and lows.

 

Rest easy my friend!

 

[[Ho...]]

If you read Parker's post again, you will see that he's talking about a journey of maybe two years. It doesn't mean it will be two years of hell. There will be ups and downs, and the ups will gradually become more frequent along the way. Sure, it's a challenge, but you are at a fork in the road Dandy, and I can see that you cannot currently decide which road to go down, which is understandable.

Whichever road you decide to follow when the time is right, either one will require a lot of strength and courage, and both may be painful, at times.  But down one of those roads is the possibility that will bring back the joy in your life, the possibility of a fresh start, the possibility of feeling excitement about what lies ahead and, at 55, you can have many, many more years to enjoy that new life, one that you truly deserve.

I needn't tell you what may lie ahead down the other fork in that road.

 

I have taken that wrong road more than once, and I feel so grateful now that I am still here, and I finally get that chance to see what is in the other direction. Sure, I am scared about my journey forward, but I see so much pain down that other path, that I now see a barrier that won't even let me go that way.

 

Take your time, concentrate on the present, on getting through this phase. Then you will see more clearly the path ahead.

 

have a good nights rest my friend,

 

coots

 

This is exactly right. I've been off benzos for just over 8 months and I'm still having some symptoms but they aren't terrible and don't limit me in any way. They are annoying at best. So, as Coots has said, it won't be 2 years of hell...just 2 years of reminders now and then of what you've gone through...and maybe not even 2 years at all.

 

Chin up. 

[[Ri...]]

I think it's important to realize why benzo recovery is measured in years and not months. It is about nerve regeneration and regrowth, and nerve cells grow slowly.

 

The benzos have physically altered the structure of our brains. As the benzo is reduced, the body begins regrowing the cellular structure that performs brain functions suited to less benzo.

 

If a rapid reduction or ct happens, the body cannot physically adapt fast enough to the benzo free state and as a result mental and emotional chaos results.

 

This is why the alcohol and opiate rapid detox model is not suited for use with benzos.

 

 

 

 

 

[[da...]]

Coots, pinkee , Svenhoak and hope

 

Hello again my friends.  Do you know I never thought I would be typing at 02.30 to people on a forum from a hospital bed. The nurse came in and asked why I wasn't sleeping. So I told her and she returned with tea and biscuits. She is lovely; oh if I was 30 years younger.

 

I digress to talk about forks in roads. I want to take the fork which in two years time finds me in a position where I can experience all of the joy that life has to offer with minimal distraction from other entities. I want to travel, recognise the  change in seasons and just be me without any Influence from artificial substances. I pray that my brain will still function well and remember tonight to prove that I have taken the right fork. I also pray that Justin Bieber has retired for good. The nurse says she likes Justin Bieber.

 

As for the other fork I don't want to even think about it. I just will not go there. I have decided to stay here until the doctor says I am medically fit to go home. I have given my brother the key to my house and he will look after the mail etc and tell my neighbours discreetly what is going on. My sister will also do all she can to help me get well again because she hates seeing me like this. They will bring everything I need for an extended stay in this hospital which as hospitals go is relatively comfortable with great medical staff.

 

I have been doing a lot of thinking and at my age this is a good a place as any to get in pretty good shape for my new life up the right fork.

 

It is now 03.30 so must get some sleep but wanted to finish this message first whilst the my thoughts are still fresh.

 

I will now say goodnight and hopefully you all will sleep well in the knowledge that the right fork has been chosen.

 

God bless you all

 

Dandyhighwayman

[[da...]]

River,  I am knackered but understand please see reply  coots, pinkee, Svenhoak and hope.

 

Best wishes

 

Dan

[Guest [Po...]]

You might find it interesting to give Una Corbett a call while you are so unoccupied, let me know if you want me to give you her  number again. 

[[pr...]]

I think it's important to realize why benzo recovery is measured in years and not months. It is about nerve regeneration and regrowth, and nerve cells grow slowly.

 

The benzos have physically altered the structure of our brains. As the benzo is reduced, the body begins regrowing the cellular structure that performs brain functions suited to less benzo.

 

If a rapid reduction or ct happens, the body cannot physically adapt fast enough to the benzo free state and as a result mental and emotional chaos results.

 

This is why the alcohol and opiate rapid detox model is not suited for use with benzos.

 

it's pruning time. or re-pruning those receptor's to work and function normally again.--and they will

 

and Dandy, the chocolate is good and can also help the dopamine but too much cacao can cause a sorta schizo type of feeling so try not to over do any 'cacao'...dark chocolate is best

 

love, pretty

[[da...]]

Polenta

 

Thanks. Yeah, I really think that talking to una would be a help at this stage.  If you could pass on the number that would be great.

 

Cheers

 

Dan

 

Pretty daisys

 

Thanks. I am trying this approach by switching to diazepam to make the process smoother.  Not feeling great this morning.  I will mention to doctors when they come round later this morning.

 

Take care

 

D an