in despair after so called psych appointment

[[da...]]

Hello surprised 1

 

Thanks for your message. Apologies for not responding earlier but have been very drowsy. Just eaten a decent lunch.

 

Last night was an absolute nightmare;  thank god that lovely nurse rushed to my aid. I agree that it was the remeron as the hangover was bad. Had to have painkillers. Theone bonus is that the nurses are lovely and and will do anything for you (well almost).

 

Next week they are going to start investigations on my stomach and liver. However,  early indications are that damage to my liver is reversible provided i abstain from alcohol.

 

I have tv in the room so gonna keep up with the football. Thanks again for posting and kind words.

 

God bless

 

D

[[pa...]]

Hi to you, too Pangeligua!   Sorry - I meant to respond to your PM to say thank you, but just forgot. LOL

 

Dandy - HANG IN THERE.

 

This was my detox experience as well. I was fine the first 2 nights but something WEIRD and indescribable happeed to me the 3rd night at detox as my body really felt the klonopin leaving.  On the good side, I was less depressed and weighed down getting off the K. Even while still on valium, leaving the K behind made me FEEL better. But I had some intense - just strange - incomprehensible experiences getting there.  It was really crazy.  Really really hard.

 

I would say if it helps you at all, stay with that Remeron.  Honestly - getting off benzos - it is just important to survive physically.  I really did not have a "real" windows until about a year off. And it was THE HARDEST thing I have ever done. I was miserable and searching for myself under the rubble. But that is what benzos caused in me.

 

I want you to know - because this may be the challenge of your life - that even if it feels impossible at some point, healing is NOT impossible. Even from this.  It WILL happen. It is not an easy short-term journey, but it IS one with a happy ending.  It is happening to me now - so just last it out. That's all you have to do.  Last it out.  It WILL happen. 

 

You are in a good place with great, supportive people it sounds like. That is so nice. 

 

For me, it got harder before it got easier and better. But it DID get better.  Please hang on to that.

 

:)P

[[da...]]

Hi parker

 

Not sure I can face losing another year of my life. Have already lost 2 following loss of my mother. I am 55 now and not sure there will be a happy ending. The only thing keeping me going is messages from BB and the wonderful people here.

I am off clonazepam and on diazepam and remeron. I am comfortable,  in a private room  tv and of course this smart phone. I am also eating well better with the remeron. I am not boasting but I am smart but if you can't function what good is that. It is not even guaranteed l will survive.

 

Sorry to sound so negative but feeling down at the moment.  At least my brother and sister will be here later. They are talking about staying locally in a hotel events turn nasty.

 

Apologies for ranting because you have been so loyal and supportive.

 

God bless you all

 

D

[[pa...]]

Dandy- I said that a million times in recovery-

"I'm not sure I can survive this."

 

But here is the truth:

 

That was not  an accurate statement.

 

The true statement was actually:

 

"This is totally feeling impossible . I hate this. I'm so miserable. It hurts everywhere. I can barely see the lights look so dim. I feel like I'm in a long tunnel and the world is 100 yards away. I'm in total psychosis. Fear. Depression. My entire system is more damaged than I could ever imagine it could be. How the hell can I do this over time not kenning how soon it will pass or even IF it will pass. I'm a mess. I don't know if I can believe I will actually come out if this."

 

THAT was how I truly felt. THAT was what I needed to see that others before me had felt. If others had felt like that, and made it, then MAYBE I could believe- just for today- that life still was waiting at the end.

 

One day lasted forever. One week was a lifetime. But I stayed on the forum. I lived- just like you will live- through it. I threw tantrums and experienced rage and depression and pain and anguish- but it could not kill me. It was never a matter of whether I would survive. I survived. It was a matter if whether I would actually get BETTER.

 

And. I. DID.

 

I wrote to buddies that were where I am now. They were almost fully healed. They were still here because they had been as bad as I was- so it took them a long time to fully heal. But one by one I watche them write their success stories and go back to life. I wrote to them often because it was a long first year. But it wasnt a matter of whether I would survive. It was more a test of just dealing with such a huge huge challenge. The only thing that could take me out of the game was ME. So I stayed in the game. And I relied on the forum. And I healed. It has been a long time to recover. But here nearing 2 years, my recovery is more rapid. The fruit of all this waiting is becoming apparent.

 

You WILL make it. You are safe. You are not going to like this journey. But you are safe and you will survive it and life is waiting.

 

I wanted this kind of feedback so badly. I wanted to know someone was as severe as me and did actually heal. While I cannot tell you I'm 100% back to normal yet, I can tell you I'm almost there. And where I'm at is a good place and keeps gettng better. That is NO LIE just to appease you. That is 100% honesty- as honest as I can be.

 

So buckle in. You may hate it and go kicking and screaming at some point. But you WiLL get iff benzos and you WILL recover. It may take time. And outlasting it is THE marathon of all marathons. But there is a point where you can see the finish line. And I am there. And it is sweet. And you must simply outlast recovery in order to make it.

 

You will do more than survive it. Your life will return.

It is so important intuitively

to know this.

 

:)Parker

[[Sv...]]

Well said Parker. Dandy, we all feel that same level of despair at time.  That's why we are here on BB. There are a lucky few who get off benzos easy. Not us.

 

But I have to believe life will be better once this hell is over. Early in my taper I found a joy in life I hadn't felt in 15 years. Since I went on benzos. Everything just seemed and felt better.

 

One of my big fears is that on my final living day, that I will have felt as though I've never lived life. Benzos used to block my chance at life. No longer.

 

Like u I'm smart. You're an engineer, as am I. I have two engineering degrees, a Masters in engineering, many publications in international engineering journals, an expert in my field, a senior executive in my company.  I'm a bit younger than you.  Benzo w/d knocked me on my backside and I've taken a leave of absence from work. It sucks. But the reward is going to be worth it. I'm six months into w/d and am starting to get some great windows. Maybe in another month I'll start a gradual return to work.

 

So getting off this drug may cost a year. But it's better to lose one year as opposed to the rest of your life.

 

I'm no doctor, but if you read Ashton it says that people who take trazadone during their taper have had success making larger cuts. I did this myself purely by accident. Maybe it helped accelerate my taper as I came off 75% of my meds in one month. Look into it and talk to your doctor if interested.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling. Bottom line is that we all want to see you healthy. You can do this.

 

It's worth doing!

[[da...]]

Parker/Svenhoak

 

Thank you both very much.  I am typing on a phone so forgive the time to reply. I am not sure I can match your eloquence either because my focus on is not great but I get your general point. Svenhoak you have achieved more than I did and I congratulate you on your success. I was a signalling engineer with Network Rail. I am now retired forced out by mass cutbacks in 2003.

 

Funnily enough I am currently watching a programme about the 1970's politics, music etc and it reminds me of my childhood and how happy it was. At the moment I can just about concentrate on television yet I keep it on all the time. Currently watching David Bowie LOL.

 

But seriously I get both yours and Parker's general point that it's worth short term pain for long term happiness.  Have I understood correctly.  Don't misunderstand me I am grateful to be getting the best treatment available in the UK.

 

I feel better after reading your posts and believe me I get it! I am determined not to wallow in self pity and now realise I can still do great things and 56 is not that old these days.

 

In my fog I think this is what you both mean. Please tell me if I am wrong. I am grateful for your posts and I think this is what the medical team are trying to tell me but somehow it seems more real coming from you both.

 

Thank you for putting perspective on the situation. I had a little walk around the hospital earlier and there are people far worse off than myself. Hope this all makes sense. 

 

Thank you and God bless

 

D

[[Sv...]]

Benzo fog is really nasty Dandy, and I'm unable to explain it to my family and friends. I think you have to experience it to understand.

 

Make no mistake, getting off these drugs is a challenge. Commend yourself for having the courage to do so. You have no idea how many times I've said the serenity prayer over the past months.

 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

You have the courage to make this change, and it's well worth the struggle. I still remember what my first day off benzos felt like. It was "wow- this is what it's like to think with my own brain, to see with my own eyes, to actually have feelings". It was incredible!

 

You can do this, and we are here for you to be a support. You've got great medical care. Your family is coming to visit for you.

 

Congratulate yourself on this huge success you've had in taking the first step. 

[[da...]]

Thanks Svenhoak

 

You guys are incredible. The time you devote to people like me is amazing particularly when you are still suffering to some extent.

 

Take care

 

D

[[da...]]

I have noticed a marked increase in appetite since on remeron - is this normal?

 

Thanks

 

D

[[On...]]

I have noticed a marked increase in appetite since on remeron - is this normal?

 

Thanks

 

D

 

That's one of the main benefits of Remeron!  If you have good success with it, I may give it a try myself.  .  More than one doctor has mentioned it to me.

 

It's so good to see you doing well and being well cared for. 

 

Sending you best wishes.

[[da...]]

Thanks One Love

 

God bless

 

D

[[Pi...]]

Dandy, I have been following your posts and I see two major things that have happened to you.

      The loss of your dear mum. A huge blow! And not long ago.

      The loss of your job. Very very hard to deal with... On many levels.

      I really am wanting u to know how sorry I am . Also I hope u get better and I hope u heal. Both physically and emotionally . Your brother and sister sound very supportive of you and that's more than many people have .

      Aren't the people on this forum the best! They are sending u some fabulous emails! I am happy that u have this.                      Please accept a big hug . Pinkee

[[da...]]

Thanks Pinkee

 

I very much appreciate your kind words. I am being well looked after and I am very lucky.

 

God bless

[Guest [Ob...]]

Hi Dan...I see you have been overwhelmed with lots of 'visitors' so I'll keep this short. I just stopped by to say hello and to see how you are doing. I am glad you're getting such good care. My best wishes...Obsid.

[[pa...]]

I have noticed a marked increase in appetite since on remeron - is this normal?

 

Thanks

 

D

 

Dandy- YES.  Remeron will make you hungry. But also - so did diazepam when I came off of K and crossed to diazepam.  I had been losing so much weight still on the K - and then I crossed to valium and wanted to eat everything even before getting on Remeron. I think it was because they were finally stabilizing me and my appetite came back.  Then I got OFF the valium and tapered rapidly (the way they did me at my detox) and I was back to throwing up and could not keep ANY food down. Then - a week later- once completely benzo-free- I started Remeron. Yes - it made me hungry -but it was a beautiful help at the time because I was so so sick. Rmeron allowed me to FINALLY eat and sleep. I was SO thankful for it.

 

I DID gain weight on it - over time - but I was sleeping - and off benzos. I had to just not worry about the weight gain. But once I started tapering it later, I lost most of it without any effort. It just came off. I still have some weight to lose, but I don't know if that is remeron weight as much as just recovery weight that I put on being almost completely sedentary with a rebounding appetite and high cortisol for the first year. 

 

For me, I think I had to pick my battles in recovery. "Eat and sleep" won out for my survival.

 

:)Parker

[[da...]]

Hi Obsid

 

I am pleased to hear from you at any time;  in fact now is ideal because I just woke up

I am sure the delightful nurse wonders who I am emailing at all hours.

 

I have been given a private room away from the main ward with my own shower and tv which is great. I am sure my brother had a few words with the hospital.

 

I have been feeling okay but a few wobbles.

I have been switched to diazepam with a iv lorazepam on standby to prevent seizures. This had to be used last night when I had a bad anxiety attack. I have also been put on remeron. The remeron seems to give me a dry mouth and increase my appetite. My brother and sister dropped by earlier and brought me a whole load of stuff.

 

I hope you are doing okay and getting close to full healing.

 

Speak to you soon.

 

God bless

 

D

 

[[Mc...]]

Dandy

You are so fortunate to be in a hospital with private room and tv and your phone. The "treatment" center I went to I shared a room, couldn't have my phone, no tv, no books except the Big Book of AA. And to think I paid $10,000.00 and couldn't call except when they said we could and than I had to wait along with 104 other people to share 2 pay phones for 10 minutes every 3 hours. You are in the right place. I wish you good healing and patience. That is what has kept me going for the last 9 months.

Cheers

Sue

[[da...]]

Hi parker

 

I have gained 6lbs in 2 days since the remeron. The food here is very good and you get good choice. I find the I am craving sugary food and sweet s so my brother brought a load of stuff in with nice soft drinks. My brother and sister have been great to me.

 

I have hope you are doing okay and taking it easy.

 

Must go speak soon.

 

God bless

 

 

D

[[da...]]

Dear Sue

 

I am lucky by the sound of it. This is a public hospital but as you may know everything is absolutely free of charge charge in the UK.  I fell lucky by getting allocated this single room with my own shower and tv.  It is like home from home so I can't complain. Medical staff are wonderful. I can use this smart phone whenever I want.

 

I hope you are are feeling okay and healing well. I fear I will be in hospital for a while yet.

 

Speak soon.

 

God bless

 

D

 

[[su...]]

Hi dandyhighwayman,

Yes, Remron's majour side effect, or benifit, depending on where you are, is increased appetite and weight gain as I recall.

If you've been off food, this is good.

in other cases, not so much!

Sounds like in your case it will be a good thing for a while at least!

 

 

[[Sv...]]

Hey Dandy,

 

I lost about 20 lbs during my taper and put the weight on again with the remeron. Dry mouth is very annoying when trying to stop drinking, but it's manageable.

 

Glad to hear you are doing better!

[Guest [OM...]]

I have noticed a marked increase in appetite since on remeron - is this normal?

 

Thanks

 

D

 

I remember reading that it give you a huge appetite and I think cravings for sugar as well.

[[No...]]

Just to let you know, iam thinking of you.....

 

Sandra.

[[da...]]

Dear OMGWTH/surprised 1/Svenhoak

 

Hi Guys

 

Yes you are all spot on. I have been on remeron for 3 nights now and have experienced all the symptoms you describe. I was not underweight when I entered hospital but my weight has increased by about 6lbs in those 3 days. The food here is very good and the staff keep food charts to monitor intake. However,  they have stopped doing that with me because I eat everything put in front of me. Also I get very intense sugar cravings. My nurse is wonderful and will bring me sugary tea and biscuits anytime day ornight.

 

My brother and sister also bring me chocolate and bags of candy. Strangely this seems to decrease my craving for benzos.  Also I feel stronger carrying extra weight

 

 

I am 5ft 7in and now weigh about 170lbs but feel ok with that although I don't want to get too much heavier.  I could also murder a pint of beer but that is not going to happen.

 

It is 05.40 here and I can't wait for a cooked breakfast at 08.00.

 

The main problem with being in hospital is that you get institutionalised but hey i am not complaining if I can get off these awful drugs.

 

Thanks for posting and please do keep in touch. Good job I have phone charger with me!

 

Hope you are all feeling okay.  Speak soon.

 

God bless

 

D

[[da...]]

Hi Not myself

 

That's very kind. I am currently okay thank you.

 

Trust your outstanding issues are getting resolved - best wishes With that I know it can be very frustrating.

 

Take care

 

 

D