50 and over club- withdrawal and recovery issues for the aged :-)

[[ja...]]

Hi Intend , ive been thinking of you alot ,almodt pm you but was feeling like you must not be good so i didnt bother you. Its good to hear you on here. Im c/o on the valium now . No more xanax but i feel very different, and not always easy but as you know my only choice. You must be feeling like you wished tou never even started this journey, but even though the ugly K played a number on you i am sure you getting off xanax eventually is the right choice. These pills cause trouble sometimes we dont see right away. You are a very bright and intellegent women. You wil be so much hapier when this is over. Try to stay possitive you will come out of this. You are much stronger then all of this. I hope you can find some joy in spite of all this. Your life is not over and we are fighters! and you know you are,  Love to you and arms wrapped gently around you bringing you comfort. Jackie

[[In...]]

Thanks, Jackie.

 

You are right. I am often wondering why I ever got into this mess now. X was not causing me any real trouble when I first started to taper. Just wanted to be free of it. I'm not currently on medications other than that and omeprazole.

 

I've really guarded my health since I had all those throat problems. I'm a vegetarian, and I get a lot of exercise, lift weights, use a treadmill, and have for years.

 

I am over 50 for sure, but I've not felt old at all even with 14 throat surgeries. I've just stayed in good shape, worked continuously, and run all over the place. Even now, I don't think I look old, but sometimes I feel like this whole "trying to get off benzos" is what is going to take me down.

 

Yep, there's times now when I think I should never have started it. It's really kicked my a...

 

We'll just have to see how strong I really am.

 

Intend

[[pr...]]

I was shocked to look in the mirror once I was post benzos. I lost over 20 years. one day, I did not recognize myself. no one around me noticed anything different to look at me but I was freaking out. the next 2 years were torture emotionally and mentally. I lost a lot. but it was myself I missed the most. I had to go back and remember me 20 years earlier. freaky because in 1988, I had up and left a bad situation. changed country, changed friends and moved away from family, so NO ONE noticed that I was not myself while on xanax. 1988, I was DXed with PTSD from that bad situation I escaped and given the "non addictive xanax" . the couple of panic attacks I had from PTSD was nothing compared to benzo WD...nothing. so I am surprized to be in the 50 plus club. lol

 

Wow. I have done the “mirror trip” too. Throughout most of my w/d, I would stand there and wonder who I was seeing in the mirror and where I went. Now as I am getting further along on the “good side” of w/d, I am realizing that I haven’t really seen myself in the mirror for something like 40 years - before I started boozing. Of course, the 13 years of Klonopin made things a WHOLE lot worse. I am seeing and remembering someone from my mid-teens. It’s very weird but extremely cool.

 

I feel like I was in the wilderness for 40 years and am now entering the promised land - a land better than anything that I ever knew because now my brain can cope with anything without freaking. It’s a good place.

 

eli

 

thanks

 

This is something that's still hard for me to talk about or put into words.  I'm grateful to all of you who are sharing about this feeling of finding yourself after losing decades of your life.  It's still new to me.

 

I'm still feeling a lot of anger and grief about the loss--well, intermittently, as my ability to feel my feelings is gradually returning as I move forward with my five-drug taper.

 

Scared about the future, because I have no savings to retire on, since I lost everything during the years I was so disabled on all those psych meds.  I have a decent job now, starter level for my field, nothing like I would be making if I had been able to work all those years, but enough to pay rent on a little duplex and keep up with the bills and feed myself.  But I'm already 57 and I can't work forever. 

 

I get so mad when I look at other people my age who had full lives all those years, who have homes and 401K's and IRAs, and friends, and spouses; and their kids had happy childhoods; and (wow, hard to imagine) they can actually look back at their lives with satisfaction and happy memories.  (Happy memories? what are those?)

 

Ironic, in a really messed-up way, that I am actually functional enough to work full time now, during a taper, even though back when I was actually taking all these drugs that were supposed to be so great, and I was younger and physically healthy, mentally I was barely functional.

 

[[13...]]

Im 61 years old and was put on Temazepam for sleeping in 1986 i was on them for 25 years.  I jumped off in November and am doing resonably well get some withdrawal but can cope fine.

 

Katie

[[ja...]]

Dear Prhiannon, It is so nice to hear your voice too. I feel like this is Alumni group or something. I havent talke with you in awhile. Do you know i bought everything for titration, and i meen evrything. And im c/oto valium now. But you never know some one may be able to use it someday. Maybe me if doc doesnt let me go down far enough. I do stil have some extra valium just in case. But i really get the fealing he will do whatever i want.  Thankyou so much for all the help you gave me back then. I was a mess and so scared. You were so smart about titration i didnt want to lose you. Anyone that can titraite 5 meds has it going on. And i am sorry for all your losses and what you had to go through. But i feel you have shown you can do anything you set your mind to. Dont think you will not be ok, I really think you will. What a great inspiration you are to everyone in this group. And i consider you my good friend. And the mirror thing. I remember right after my c/t crying so hard, you know that deep down in your soul cry. I was trying to put makeup on for work and truly didnt know if i was coming or going. I remember looking in yhe mirror crying and saying your inthere somewhere. I was overwhelmed because i couldnt see me. Really strange. Im just hoping so bad to come compleatly out of this and be better. Thats what i wish for you and everyone in this group. Power to the people, the BB people. Love to you Jackie :smitten:

[[ga...]]

Prhiannon, I hear you. sucks that we found these things lost and I relate totally to your post.

I feel now my life is over, I struggled for 13 years of a taper and tolerance nightmare and now 3 years in post benzo. last month I found out that my pain is probably from "severe" osteoarthritis and I am not going to get better pain wise. that's what the medical community is telling me. I will have a lot of pain and need "pain managment". I can't take walks anymore. dashed are my hiking dreams. I've had the trails picked out for about 5 years now. I am closing down my business and going on social security disability, no gardening this year and my dreams of getting better and traveling are dashed.

[[ve...]]

Prhiannon, I hear you. sucks that we found these things lost and I relate totally to your post.

I feel now my life is over, I struggled for 13 years of a taper and tolerance nightmare and now 3 years in post benzo. last month I found out that my pain is probably from "severe" osteoarthritis and I am not going to get better pain wise. that's what the medical community is telling me. I will have a lot of pain and need "pain managment". I can't take walks anymore. dashed are my hiking dreams. I've had the trails picked out for about 5 years now. I am closing down my business and going on social security disability, no gardening this year and my dreams of getting better and traveling are dashed.

 

Sorry to read that Garuda.

 

Vertigo

[[ga...]]

can't stop  me. I'm taking my crutches and flying out to visit friends this week. I'm leaving in the morning.

 

[[De...]]

can't stop  me. I'm taking my crutches and flying out to visit friends this week. I'm leaving in the morning.

Good for you Garuda !

Hope you enjoy your visit.

Debbie.

[[La...]]

Garuda, it saddened me to read your post and hear you say you feel like your life is over. It is NOT I am 63 yrs old now, I have had osteoarthritis since my 40s. I suffer chronic pain in my neck , back, and feet, I have a fused big toe joint which makes walking painful but I continue to walk every day. Last year I fell and badly injured my shoulder, it will not heal so the pain is now chronic. But, I will not give in and I am looking towards a better future once I am clear of these drugs, yes I occasionally take tylenol for the pain, especially at night , once a negative attitude is our mindset we start to go down hill fast IMO, I have allot of living yet to do My cognition and memory have improved big time, over the last few years I really worried about being in the early stages of dementia but I am healing and my brain is recovering so even at this advanced age I have hope, we can never let go of hope, all the best to you garuda

[[el...]]

garuda -

 

I know exactly how you feel. I have had some osteoarthritis for years (primarily from broken bones in my youth), but this whole w/d experience has made those pains MUCH worse and has also added additional pain in places I never had pain. There really is no definitive test for osteoarthritis just as there is no definitive test for benzo w/d. So, I am believing that the largest part of my aches and pains over these past 3 years of w/d are simply from w/d and that they will abate as I get further along in my healing. I know they will never be totally gone (after all I am 58), but they will get MUCH better.

 

Although I have been hiking and doing what I can to stay active through this w/d, the pain is almost debilitating at times. I have noticed that those times are most often when I wake up from sleep (either a nap or a night’s sleep) or shortly after I have done something very physical. To me, that indicates that this is primarily a w/d problem. There is something about w/d that causes us to experience lots of nasty s/x (both mental and physical) after we wake up from sleep. That’s when I have all kinds of weird body aches and joint pain. Maybe it has something to do with cortisol or something. Don’t really know.

 

It seems that for most people, the physical s/x of w/d can linger for years, but they do eventually improve.

 

I don’t believe that the “medical community” has any way to differentiate between joint pain caused by osteoarthritis or benzo w/d. It’s a guess. The same can be said for depression. There is absolutely no way to differentiate between benzo w/d depression or any other kind of depression. I was diagnosed with severe depression by three different psychiatrists who prescribed all kinds of meds and even ECT to “cure” me. All along the only thing that was causing the depression was benzo w/d. The doctors were far from a proper diagnosis.

 

All that doctors have to go on (in the absence of definitive, objective testing) is the subjective information we give them about our s/x. Then they try to make an educated guess - which is often wrong.

 

Life is not over by any means. I am expecting much more healing and abatement of pain in the coming months. It just takes time.

 

eli

 

[[br...]]

HI vertigo,

 

Im new to benzo buddies om also 50 this year can i join too im still withdrawing 1.5 mgs of valium just stopped xanax crazy i was on both meds in a lot of pain with fibromyalgia has any body else got it the sleep and anxiousness is bad but nobody thought years ago to test me for it thats why they put me on benzos and i didnt know better 15 years later and near 50

 

Thanx let me know

BG

[[ga...]]

Hi Eli, thank you so much for writting this out. and it is very true. until about 2 months ago I was miserable with pain but believed it was just like you said. Last June my knee got very sereious pain and I was on crutches for several months. with no insurance, it took until 2 months ago to get an MRI, the arthritis in my knee is so bad that 2 different doctors said that it was what tore my menescus disc and that is why they won't do surgery to repair. there is too much dmage. they all look at the MRI and look at the new boney growth on my clavical(very painful) and inform me that I will need pain managment and it will get worse. I didn't need to hear that but the damage is visible. my accupuncturist said it best that the WD probably triggered something genetic. my mother suffered terribly with arthritis in her back. I've been miserable with pain in  my neck for over a month now. people who know me, know that the words I am using now like 'pain' and 'miserable' are not the kind of words I use. so much of how I feel now about the arthritis is WD, the depression is most of the 'miserable'. the arthrtis and the fact that a couple weeks ago I was told that I can't walk anymore......does not help the WD depression. this is all tied in together. there have been a couple days this past month that I had absolutely no pain and a couple days that I have had no depression. so where will I be when the music stops? (musical chairs). the MRI shows it is arthritis and it is severe. thanks for reading this. there is no one in my life now that I can talk to, people can't handle this. my husband keeps telling me that I will be okay. am I the only one who gets it? I'm not going to be okay. I need therapy, I'm not coping real well. I can't afford it. thanks for listening. I really appreciate possitive input to help me out of this rut.  I'm catching a plane now to Chicago, there is a Healer there I have an appointment to see tomorrow. allopathic medicine has nothing possitive to say to me now. I heard what they said and I don't like it. wish  me luck, I am terrible freaked out about flying and being so far from home in a place I have never been before. and I hope to get the help I want. spontanious healing will be good.

[[Fl...]]

Garuda, I am sorry for your pain.  I know what it's like and it does cause depression.  It's also difficult when you try to communicate to others and they just don't get it.  I hope your trip to see a healer helps you.  I have had so many bad experiences with regular doctors that it is difficult for me to trust them.  Can yo get another opinion for the knee.  I take some supplements for arthritis that seem to help somewhat but your knee sounds like it needs some physical therapy or something more?  Wishing you wellness & healing,

fb

[[ga...]]

Thanks for understanding FB, I really appreciate that. I have seen two doctors so far and I have been turned down for PT. don't know why. the bone docs office called last week and asked me to come in so we can talk about "options" or fill out the paperwork for insurance different so they will accept me for PT. I'm collecting info on suppliments people are taking. my dog trainer said that her and her husband "used to have arthritis" and told me what cured them. she showed me her hands had no more knots. that would be nice. I just have to stop freaking out.

[[ma...]]

Gosh we all sound like we are falling apart. Guess that's why we are in the group for the "oldies but goodies" Hi Vertigo. I'm 64. Hope that's not too old for the group. Not that I really want to be in the group. I'd rather be healed and sleeping well. I'm off temazapam and ambien for many years with most symptoms gone....just need more sleep.

I don't think I need to go to Disneyland since I worked there during college....in Calif, not Florida. I worked on Storybookland, the boat ride thru the whale's mouth. Don't think you have it in Florida. Very fun place to work. Kind of like the jungle cruise for little kids. Welcome to Storybookland everyone..... Spent enuf time there in my youth so don't really need any more. Besides, it's way expensive.

[[Fl...]]

Welcome Maltese Mom.  I had this picture of all of us together and something falls off and we help each other out by saying "oh you dropped your ear; here let me help you".  The "falling apart line in your post brought that visual to me.  We will keep an eye out for each other in case we "fall apart" along the way.  How cool you worked in Disney land.  When I was young that was my dream to work for Disney as I was in the arts. 

wishing you all wellness,

fb

[[ma...]]

I like your visual...at our age it's the truth. Hopefully not losing body parts tho. Just kind of breaking down. The benzos sure don't help. Yes, Disneyland was a very fun place to work in the 60's. The pay was good, worked with lots of fun people, had a guaranteed summer and holiday job. Storybookland was especially fun and great people to work with. That was my first job. I've met so many people that worked there. Of course we are in Orange County, where Disneyland is located. Had dinner with my husband's cousin and husband and found out they both worked in a restaurant at Disneyland. Great job while going to college.

[[je...]]

Hello All! I haven't been on in awhile, been recovering well  now at 4 months off, until recently, I am 55 this year, Been recovering pretty smoothly until past week , been suffering cold numb tingling hands feet and toes, burning skin as well on parts of my limbs, scalp and other areas, grr!!! I hate it, also tinnitus and insomnia still plague me. Just to let you know I love Disneyland! My parents grew up not far from there in fact my Mom went to opening day of Disneyland in the 50's and everyone there that day got a key and she still has it! I have been there many times in my childhood and as an adult with my children, and been to Disneyworld as well, anyway glad to see there is a over 50's club.

[[wi...]]

I turned 50 this year.  Just saw this thread.  In a terrible wave right now.

Wish

[[ga...]]

The flight was very difficult because of the WD.  People are very helpful! I needed a wheelchair and help with everything.  I'm fiercely independent so the is a challenge but I get to meet awesomeness of people. I'm surrounded by supportive people and I have not had pain since I got here to the healing center.  I really like Chicago so far. 

[[Fl...]]

Welcome Jen.   I hope your sx calm down soon. How cool to grow up near Disneyland!

Welcome Wish, I'm sorry you are in a bad wave right now.  I hope it passes soon.

Garuda: how awesome you met some cool people to help you! I am glad you are pain free at your healing center!

wishing you all wellness,

fb

[[bo...]]

53 yrs Old At 17 months Benzo Free I Still Have Cog Fog Tinitus and Vision Stuff.Gratfull For The Wisdom That Comes With Most of Life in The Rear Veiw Mirror.I Was'nt Good  at Being Young.Pateince was a welcomed arrival.Took 50 yrs.The Mirror Owns The Young.

[[Li...]]

I Just popped by to see how everyone is... and welcome to Wish...hope you are feeling better soon.

 

I caught some kind of bug and have a sore throat and a headache. Nothing is falling off though so am grateful for that. Hope everyone is having a good week!!

[[In...]]

I am having a very rough week. I am off K for 10 weeks now, and fully back on X which I took for 11 years before trying to cross to K.

 

I am still having many very intense and increasing K w/d sx, and they have been difficult to handle, particularly this week. It strikes me as strange that I experience this even while fully dosed on X.

 

It appears that I tend to have w/d from one benzo even while taking the supposed equivalent of another. Individually speaking, these 2 drugs are not equivalents or interchangeable for me.

 

I took K for 14 weeks total, but it's like I took it for 14 years for what I'm going through, and not once through all of this have I ever STOPPED taking a benzo. In other words, no C/T here, but plenty of horrible w/d sx. Will it ever stop?

 

Intend