New 6-12 month buddy group

[[Co...]]

I hope it's OK I post on this board even though like fallingstar I am not 6 months out. only 4.5 months out. Teegirl and Colley you both had the same short-term use that I did and are suffering badly like me too so I have been following your posts and hoping for your healing. There are only a few who only took benzos for 2 months or so and ended up here, it seems unreal and I am still struggling with denial that this could have happened to me.

I am feeling better than my first month and sleep and windows have increased, but the depression and feeling like this is going to last a really long time have hit hard this month and I don't know how to go on.

Thanks for posting often and helping know I'm not alone in this. I'm surely going to feel this way in at 6 months so I might as well chime in and follow this thread now if you all don't mind.

 

Hi ggbtd, and welcome.  None of us can really count or read a calendar yet due to the brain fog and memory loss, so you're welcome to join us at 4.5 months.  ahhahaaa.  Actually, I think Klungo can count now.  I'm not quite six months either, but they haven't remembered to kick me off this thread yet. 

[[te...]]

CH--you made a joke. that's a good sign!

 

ggbtd--so glad you're here! i know what you mean about feeling that this will never end... i struggle with that too... have you read the thread on benzo lies yet? it really helped me... let me know if you haven't, i would be happy to link it up...

 

fallingstar--i've been thinking about your question, but i just feel confused when i try to answer it. i think my baseline has been slowly improving all throughout, but all i have really noticed is the waves when my mental state gets worse or my sleep gets worse. klungo seems to be very in tune with all his feelings and symptoms from day to day and week to week. i feel like i have stumbled through the last 7+ months just staying alive, driving my kids to school, getting food on the table, trying to exercise, and now it's all a blur. sorry i know that is so un-scientific

 

colley--you are being awfully hard on yourself for not working at a job. can you think of it as your "job" to heal? i am a very task-oriented person, so i try to think of it as my "job" to eat healthy, exercise, rest as much as i can, and to come on here to give/and receive support. when i get impatient to be healed, i try to tell myself that it's like i've been in a car accident and need to take as much time as necessary to convalesce. you have made it through 9 months. that's a huge accomplishment. please give yourself lots of credit and be kind to yourself...

 

locutus--wow that's so great that you can eat paleo... i don't think i could do that!

[[Kl...]]

Actually, I think Klungo can count now.

 

I think I can some days When I'm in a wave my mind goes to much and I can barely string a sentence together though.

 

[[te...]]

ugh i forgot to tell you guys that i yelled at the contractor today and crashed the back of my car... it's been a rough day... hope i can still sleep tonight

[[gg...]]

Thanks teegirl for being so positive (all of a sudden lol) and having good advice for everyone.

It's funny you mention the Benzo Lies post, I have read it and I talk about it with my wife all the time since my ongoing whine is...I'm going to lose everything, I'm never going to heal, I'll never enjoy anything ever again..now I'm better at seeing they are Benzo Lies and not falling for it.

 

And a message to Colley, you might want to try a job with less challenge. Not only does it keep me from being insane at home all day, I am overachieving even in my semi-invalid state. It seems like the only thing I'm above average at now. I can't even take care of myself but I can do the job. And the smaller pay is ultimately keeping me funding my 401K a little

[[Fa...]]

Teegirl, you are so sweet to listen and give us all 'tailored advice'.

Just like the Wizard of Oz you gave the Tinman - a heart, the Cowardly Lion - courage, the scarecrow - a brain...

Now it's time to think to yourself, dear friend! Do you want a pair of magic shoes that will take you back home...or a new car? I really hope the damage is not so bad.

Warmest hugs, FS

[[co...]]

I would like to get a job but there's a part of me that just doesn't believe that I can do much these days. Sure I might have one or two days where I'm feeling so so but there's a whole lot of days where I just don't even feel connected to myself. Like today I went golfing with a couple of friends. I felt totally disconnected the whole time and I spent most of the time thinking about my symptoms. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore.. such a weird disconnected feeling. I don't really know what that is all about... I don't notice much when I'm by myself but when I'm out doing things it seems like I'm not really me. I don't know... I think I'm just slowly going insane because it's been so long. Now I'm just holding on every day... I was a lot more hopeful a year ago. But now I'm just not sure things are going to bounce back for me. I stopped believing months ago but I try not to give up. I do end up in bed a lot though these days... so strange, get up, go to the gym have breakfast and lunch do a couple of things.... then wham, got to lay down. I think that's all of the depression but I'm not sure... it's so hard to define each little symptom. I just think everything is rolled up into one seriously messed up ball.

 

Good luck everyone..

[[wa...]]

Colley -- I def have this too.  It seems my imaginary life and my real life are not connecting.  We really are going to need more income.  Every time I start even looking at what kind of work I am thinking of doing in my old age, along comes some wave or ailment.  I was even prepared to discuss this with a therapist -- what will be my vocation-- and boom, I was struck down with something that made the session all about surviving the crisis du jour.  So sick of this.  WBB

[[Um...]]

 

Well dear Kolungu

Bundles of thanks for apreceatiin and supporting words.

Dear how I join 6-12 months and what is that ?

[[te...]]

hi Umlee and welcome

 

Fallingstar, wish we had a sweet fairy godmother who would come wave her wand and heal us 

 

the car will be fixed, it's just a thing. if only our brains could be fixed so easily...

 

yesterday i went to my daughter's 6th grade graduation. i have missed so much. i'm so thankful i could be there.

 

[[Fa...]]

Hi Teegirl,

Congratulations on your daughter's 6th grade graduation - you must be very proud of her and proud that you could be there. We learn to appreciate the NORMAL life...this is perhaps the only good thing during benzos w/d...

[[te...]]

thanks Fallingstar for your kind words 

[[Kl...]]

Some hope for the day!

 

After a crappy few days, yesterday aside from some minor sickly stuff for an hour or two was great! I think something clicked and the clarity and connection to the world seems normal. It happened to be my 2 year anniversary with my fiance and we got to enjoy a massage, a nice dinner a restaurant and a movie. I felt like me, no pains, or other sx. Today that sense of connection and my mood are still as good if not better despite some minor muscle aches.

 

Healing is happening  hoping for better and better now as I approach the 10th month.

[[te...]]

Good to hear!!

 

So glad you felt well enough to enjoy such a wonderful evening!!

[[Fa...]]

That's wonderful news, Klungo! Congrats!

You are making good progress on the recovery road.

[[Pe...]]

I was on a litany of medications for over 10 years, and within the past year I rapidly tapered off 500 mg of Seroquel, 300 mg of Lamictal, and 100 mg of Trazedone. This was the lightest of cocktail of psychiatric drugs I had been on in the past ten years. Additionally, I was taking Klonopin .5 mg three times a day. I thought after tapering off the other drugs that I was invincible, so I went from .5 mg of Klonopin to nothing like that. It's been 7 months now, and I struggle to survive most days. My faith is new and has become incredibly important to me. I try very hard to eat right, but I wonder what that means. I spend most of my days totally alone. In the evenings my husband is here, but we're newly married and he's exhausted by me. I'm exhausted by me, and I am at a loss as to what to do. I will soon be without insurance as I had to resign from my teaching position. I'm terrified of doctors after all of what has happened. I don't know what to do. I read about candida and leaky gut. I know when I was younger I underwent heavy antibiotic treatments. I was anemic. My white blood cell count was low. I had MRSA. I seem to have every food sensitivity under the sun. But it's incredibly difficult and painful to concentrate, follow directions, and implement all of the changes in diet that are suggested with candida and leaky gut diets with where I am at. Then there's also the fear that that's not the issue. I'm chasing rabbits all day long, trying to hold to the fight, but feeling squarely defeated. Everything seems like a gimmick, and I just don't know where to begin. Do you guys work full time. All my life it was just a matter of how productive I could be, and I feel so worthless. I can't go back to teaching. I don't know what I can do, and I'm scared.

[[wa...]]

Whoa PeCv  - that's alot of jumping off.  No wonder you feel terrible but you are just at the beginning, really.  Stay close and understand that you WILL feel better.  all those other things like candida, etc will likely fall away over time.  You'll see WBB

[[co...]]

 

[[te...]]

hi PeCvJw and welcome, so sorry to hear all that you've been through. that you have made it 7 months already shows how strong and brave you really are! what are your symptoms? have you seen any improvement over the past 7 months?

[[Pe...]]

I really appreciate you saying so, but strong and brave is the farthest from how I feel right now. Symptoms, I'm scared a lot, a whole lot, kind of scared into a corner. I have difficulties concentrating. My eyes play tricks on me. My muscles twitch. It feels like electricity in my brain and down my spinal chord. I have Raynaud's. I wake up and my cortisol is out the roof. I feel like I am in this constant fight or flight mode. I told my husband, that I feel like someone has ripped off my clothes, thrown me out in the cold, and the locked the door. There's an evil that's inside me that wants me to quiet on an almost daily basis. I get so easily frustrated, mostly I'm just frustrated with myself. I feel ashamed, I often feel a rage that surges through my blood, that I feel powerless to. When I'm not angry, I'm blank, or in tears. I cry so hard sometimes, and hyperventilate, and hear sounds that aren't there. I startle really easily. But I fight to live every day, even if it seems ridiculous.

 

That's not all the time though. When I started this I thought that if I just willed it, prayed hard enough, and ate clean, it would be a cinch. I could do it, no room for whining. I'd done more difficult things, but I was wrong. It turns out I was wrong about a lot of things. I have such serious trauma that I don't even know how to begin to deal with. This is all really hard. My mentality has always been just to pull yourself up by your boot straps. 

 

With the Candida and Leaky Gut... When I was young I had strep throat a lot, lots of antibiotics. As a child I had iron deficiency anemia, and supplemented with a liquid iron. Later I got my tonsils taken out. I wonder if candida, leaky gut, and trauma were the issues from the get go. It only went down hill from there. At this point I'm looking back at a lifetime gone wrong, under heavy drugs, self-medicating. Then coming to Jesus, getting married, being sober, eating clean, and wondering if it's just too late. I had to move out of state to begin to heal, and my husband and I are very isolated. I'm afraid I'm going to lose him. I'm desperate to hold on. This sounds pathetic, but thank you for listening.

 

I feel now like I had the world fooled for so long. I graduated at the top of my class as an undergraduate and in graduate school after being a high school drop out. I taught school, I wanted to help kids who had suffered like me. I taught Advanced Placement and International Baccalaureate classes as a single mother loaded down with medicines. Now my son's gone, and there's no burying the feelings under prescription drugs and alcohol. There's no going back, but I'm at a loss as to how to see marked improvement. How to persevere in this race that's life in any kind of enduring way.

[[te...]]

hi PeCvJw, thank you for sharing your story... were you on .5mg or 1.5mg klonopin? and did you taper or cold turkey off of it? i am very concerned for you especially if you cold turkeyed off a large dose... i know it is so hard right now... just know that your body is fighting to get back to equilibrium... your body is working on it every single day that goes by... here is a post by River Wolf that helped me... hope it helps you...

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=173521.0

 

[[Pe...]]

Teegirl, thank you so much for your message. I really appreciate your concern. What's more I really appreciate the message you linked. I got all teared up reading it. I've been focusing on my breath, but I really appreciated the survival questions. The hard part is not always having someone to call, or anyone but my husband to call. That can put me in an unsafe place sometimes. That's why I've signed on here, and why I really appreciate your message. You know I've read plenty of horror stories of people bed ridden for months, that's not me, and in that I feel blessed. I really don't know how I could have made it this far if it wasn't for God and my husband.  My husband left work early today, and we went for a long nature walk. I really needed that. My pain had gotten the best of us. My cycle also really plays a number on my mood right now. It's good to know that I am not alone in this. I know I'm not, but it can get lonely and scary. Sometimes the negativity is hard for me right now. I know it's real, but it's scary. So I appreciate your encouragement.

 

To your question. I was on .5 mg 3*day. My memory has been severely impaired by the years of medications. I'm only realizing that now. I recently went onto RiteAid's website to check my prescription history. It goes back to 2015. During all that time, I was taking .5 mg 3*day. I know I have been on other benzos. I remember because I was prescribed them for sleep for a long time, and then Ambien too. I reached out to my former doctor of 6 years last week requesting my medical records. That was hard, but I just want to know.

 

I tried to not use a lot. I tried to avoid taking all 3 tablets most days for years. But I didn't realize, I was regularly dealing with withdrawal symptoms in doing so, I just thought I was broken, and I just drank and smoked to not deal with that. God changed all of that for me, but it's been hard. I refuse now to believe that I am broken. I refuse to cope by drinking and smoking. But learning how to live for the first time in my life often feels overwhelming. So to get back to your question. I went from taking .5 mg sometimes 1-2 times a day, sometimes not at all, to nothing. Silly me, I thought that was tapering.

 

I need to benchmark better. Though my ability to plan feels really stunted, organizing information can be difficult at times. But I write that because often in the worst of times, I lose sight of all progress. I understand why you all signature, it's important to document how far we've come, especially when it feels like we're being torn apart.

[[te...]]

so glad you were able to get out for a walk with your husband! the one thing that everyone seems to agree on is that exercise of any kind helps our healing. you are doing great PeCv, and you will get through this. Yes, i really encourage you to make a signature, so others can know what meds you were on. there are so many people on here and you never know who has had a similar experience to you. i know what it is to be alone and scared and feel like you fell off the face of the earth. i hope you will reach out on here freely and often for support. we are all here for you 

[[Co...]]

hi PeCv, and welcome to the 6-12 month thread.  I know it's hard for you right now, and I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering like this, but it will get better, and you're in very good company. 

 

I started a journal a couple months ago - it helps me on bad days, because when I get very depressed I can't remember ever not being depressed.  The journal helps me see how far I've come. 

 

Take care,

CH 

[[Pe...]]

Thanks ComingHome! You're right a journal is a good idea. I want to write and focus. I feel really overwhelmed by the simplest tasks right now. I hate it. Can anyone tell me more about their personal experience with Akathisia. I fear this is what happened to me early on in my journey. How long I wonder before marked healing. I know that's everyone's question. I fear there's something gravely wrong with me, but I'm afraid of doctors. I would love to hear stories about people who were on loads of medicines for a decade plus, and who are thriving, and any thing they did where they noticed marked improvement. They put me on everything and lots of it - I was an especially complicated case - that's what they said. It's maddening. I'm exercising, doing resistance bands, walking, a little hiking, cooking super clean, I was doing Paleo, now I'm doing the Ultimate Candida Cleanse to try and heal my gut. I use to be incredibly decisive, not anymore. I struggle with trusting myself. Any testimonies from people thriving now after 10 years of every medicine under the sun would be appreciated. I need to know that my case is not a worse case kind of scenario. I believe, but I need help with my disbelief. Thanks guys. God bless.