New 6-12 month buddy group

[[wa...]]

how's everyone doing?

 

wannabebetter, are you okay??

 

Hi Tee - thanks for asking - I'm still struggling with this, what I think is a reaction, to the cortisone shot.  Mornings were never good but they have really become worse.  I have less pain in the hip - Hah - what a crummy trade off.  Let me be a cautionary tale about steroid shots.

 

Sorry, wish I was all butterflies and good tidings but not today.  I just keep distracting with the TV.  Must every channel be Capitol Hill? 

Can't believe an ffing zdrug got me here. WBB

[[Kl...]]

Hi,

I'm 5 months and 1 week out. I also have persistent physical sxs (tachycardia, muscle pain), while most of the mental sxs got better. I still experience an 'every-other-day' pattern of sxs (in which I feel almost 100% healed one day, but only 50-60% healed the next day). The windows are definitely longer now and sxs are in general bearable compared with the early days. I have learned from Baylissa that this is a common pattern, probably the most common pattern in benzos w/d. It only says that we are making good progress on the road to recovery...  

 

I've noticed the every other day thing lately myself though it's starting to be good most days now. Interesting to hear about that.

 

how's everyone doing?

 

wannabebetter, are you okay??

 

Hi Tee - thanks for asking - I'm still struggling with this, what I think is a reaction, to the cortisone shot.  Mornings were never good but they have really become worse.  I have less pain in the hip - Hah - what a crummy trade off.  Let me be a cautionary tale about steroid shots.

 

Sorry, wish I was all butterflies and good tidings but not today.  I just keep distracting with the TV.  Must every channel be Capitol Hill? 

Can't believe an ffing zdrug got me here. WBB

 

I know how you feel. Ambien got me here. I feel I owe my Dr a visit for what it's done to me..

 

[[te...]]

how's everyone doing?

 

wannabebetter, are you okay??

 

Hi Tee - thanks for asking - I'm still struggling with this, what I think is a reaction, to the cortisone shot.  Mornings were never good but they have really become worse.  I have less pain in the hip - Hah - what a crummy trade off.  Let me be a cautionary tale about steroid shots.

 

Sorry, wish I was all butterflies and good tidings but not today.  I just keep distracting with the TV.  Must every channel be Capitol Hill? 

Can't believe an ffing zdrug got me here. WBB

 

you don't have to be all butterflies for me WBB. so sorry you are having a setback from the shot. it's terrible how sensitive we are in w/d. it's like we have to tiptoe through life, afraid of anything that might set us back ugh. glad you are able to watch TV and let time pass. hope it gets better for you.

[[te...]]

 

how's everyone doing?

 

wannabebetter, are you okay??

 

Hi Tee - thanks for asking - I'm still struggling with this, what I think is a reaction, to the cortisone shot.  Mornings were never good but they have really become worse.  I have less pain in the hip - Hah - what a crummy trade off.  Let me be a cautionary tale about steroid shots.

 

Sorry, wish I was all butterflies and good tidings but not today.  I just keep distracting with the TV.  Must every channel be Capitol Hill? 

Can't believe an ffing zdrug got me here. WBB

 

I know how you feel. Ambien got me here. I feel I owe my Dr a visit for what it's done to me..

 

i was really mad at my doctor too, but then i heard she had breast cancer and felt bad for her

i keep telling myself that she didn't mean to poison me, that she just didn't know what she was doing

[[Kl...]]

I think most don't really know, but surely then they should not be prescribing meds they don't fully understand. I feel for them to a degree, but at the same time, people's lives are in their hands and there needs to be much stricter control and knowledge. It's actually crazy how little Dr's know about the meds they prescribe. I went in a couple months back for the nerve pain I was having. He then looked up something on the computer and gave me a list of meds to take, such as gabapentin, amytryptiline, etc. I had of course already researched all of these before and asked about withdrawal, dependency etc. He listed percentages of people who had problems. That was it. I knew more about them than he did. I think that's kind of scary really, and thank god we have access to so much information now. I only wish I had been more careful when they first offered me Ambien but I trusted the Dr. Never again..

 

[[Co...]]

-Hey guys.  I'm not quite six months out yet, but in the sixth month so thought I'd join your little soiree.  Never too late to start being an over-achiever. 

 

Hope everyone is having a good evening, and gets some good sleep tonight. 

[[wa...]]

Welcome Coming Home - you've got guts -

 

For Tee and Klungo -- I definitely agree that the prescribing of these drugs so casually by docs is one of the biggest international public health problems of our time.  It is truly astonishing.

 

I'm hoping that your relatively short use of these drugs means a speedier recovery.  I know that there often seems that there is no rhyme or reason to who has w/d.  All of us are left out here trying to determine if there is relationship between length of use and length of w/d.  But I'm hoping, in your cases, that the length of time you guys have to deal with this will be minimal.  Really praying.

 

I have read anecdotally here on BB that short term use can bring pretty severe sxs in withdrawal but of shorter duration.  But his is the problem!  No research.

Love to all.  My night has been much better than my day.  I am so grateful.  WBB

[[Kl...]]

I used Ambien for a long time, many years but not regularly so maybe that's a factor on top of the daily use before I stopped. I was sure I would done with this pretty quickly. I wonder how much damage getting on clonazepam for a month did rather than help the situation now.

 

Guess it matters not now since I have to get through this either way :/

 

Thanks for the kind words however, let's get this over and done with!

[[te...]]

hi coming home! glad to see you on here 

 

klungo--you have every right to be mad at your doctor. we all do. i just try not to be mad bc i feel like being mad doesn't help us to heal. but you have every right to be mad...

 

WBB--so glad you felt better yesterday evening. i was probably lying in bed already trying to sleep. i am keeping a strict bedtime routine/schedule. it's not fun. sigh.

[[Kl...]]

Thanks Tee, you are right, it doesn't help and I don't send much time thinking about it really.

 

I had 4 really great days Sun - Wed, 2 of them feeling close to 100% most of the day. Now the last 2 days have been rough. Feeling really sickly again / fatigue.. I am supposed to do a 10K tomorrow, well I signed up for it thinking I'd be feeling well enough by now, and yet here I am still struggling. My fiance and I are going to just go walk it and at least get some exercise. Sad considering a year ago I placed 2nd.. ugh what a nightmare this last 10 months has been  Close to 8 3/4 months now. The start of 9 made me think I was close and now I'm praying I am better within 12 months. I have a bunch of trips / concerts to attend around 10.5 months on.. I know that gives me a couple months, but feeling a little down right now..

 

[[te...]]

hi klungo,

 

so sorry you are feeling bad again. that's great that you are signing up for things and living your life as best as you can. that takes tremendous courage and strength and you are doing it!! if you walk that 10K tomorrow, it will be a big accomplishment!! no one else will know it, but WE will know what a big accomplishment it is...

 

i feel like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to heal in a certain amount of time and it reminds me of something i read on here... it was an old post about a concept called "the second arrow" ...let me see if i can find it...

 

okay here it is...

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=97718.msg1251408#msg1251408

 

every time i start worrying about how long it will take me to heal, i think of the second arrow. i try to make the best of the day i'm in, and not to worry about it. some days i do better than others. hope this helps you...

 

whether it takes shorter or longer, you WILL get better. take good care of yourself, try to do something soothing, go easy on yourself okay?

 

i'll be praying for you 

[[Kl...]]

Thanks TeeGirl, it is something I've been trying to do but it's not easy. I'm a super active go getter and feeling stuck constantly is so hard. I tried reading the arrow thing to my fiance and started crying. I feel so much guilt that she has to wait and support me through this too.

 

I am focused on being recovered and it's hard for me not to. I just want my.life back.and feeling sick for so long is a punishment like other.

 

I think I have been hit with some.depression again the past couple.days which doesn't help. Cry at the drop of a hat.

[[te...]]

so so sorry  :'(

 

i've been there, the depression is just awful, it really really sucks...

 

don't feel guilty... you are doing the best you can... give yourself lots of credit... be kind to yourself

 

glad you have your fiance to support you... if she's standing by you in all of this you know she's a keeper!

 

this process is awful, but you will get through it, we'll all get through it together

 

hang in there okay?

[[co...]]

Hey guys.... hope you are doing well'ish today. I'm at 9 months but most of that has been pretty terrible. Still getting to the gym most days but not as busy as I need to be... just had a horrible week of depression. In bed for about 4 days. Not sure if any of you have ever experienced that but I basically just wanted to give up... today was mostly the same. I hope tomorrow gets better. 

 

My wife wants me on an AD at this point but I'm scared to pursue it. Not sure what I should do... I have to get back to work; it's been so long. It's all I think about. I wish I would have gone back a long time ago and just pushed myself; because now it just seems like it's never going to happen. Losing hope at 9 months... I've maybe had one day in the past month where I felt positive. I'm really starting to think I actually have a serious mental problem because most of you I believe are working or are staying productive. So maybe I need to be on an AD. I just thought I could get through this like everyone else is trying to do...  god I so badly do not want to be on medication. I hate this sh*t. And crying comes easy so no worries Klungo... sounds like you're functioning well.

 

I think this is the only thread I'm going to start visiting. All the other stuff has scared the crap out of me. Especially all of the protracted stuff. And I've tried about 3K worth of supplements to no avail. I shouldn't have read any of it because it's all I think about now... I may at some point stay away from the boards. I'm not sure it's helping me psychologically. It just seems like the only place where I can make sense of how I'm feeling. My wife doesn't believe I'm in W/D at this point. She thinks I have sever depression (which I do) and just wants me on medication... like does anyone else feel like they don't want to live anymore? I mean I don't want to kill myself but is anyone else having those thoughts? I never had anything like this a year ago. I don't mean to pry at all... I just feel like maybe this isn't going away anytime soon. And I'm pretty scared for a guy my age. Sorry to ramble... tough day.

 

Take care everyone... 

[[te...]]

hi colley and welcome

 

sorry you're still having a hard time at 9 months out

 

i'm no expert, but it's pretty clear to me from this forum that it's very possible to still be in w/d after 9 months

 

also, after what i've been through, i'm pretty scared to take any more meds of any kind...

 

i have to go wind down now for bed, but hope we can talk more tmrw...

[[Co...]]

Hey Colley, hang in there buddy, you're not alone.  I've had severe enough depression to wonder about taking an antidepressant again too, but have decided not to for the time being. 

 

Questions that I asked myself to decide were things like: 'while I was depressed before, did I ever experience depression like this before benzo wd?' - NO .  'And does the depression seem to come and go? Does that coincide with the other sxs that come and go?'  - YES.  I'm not thinking clearly enough this evening to be of much help to you here, but others can advise you too.  Many people have used antidepressants to help them through withdrawal - we're all different, as you know.  I think my depression is due to both benzo and SSRI withdrawal, so essentially I decided to stick it out, and see if I get better as I have more time to heal. 

 

I've had those awful thoughts too.  Fight those with all your might - they are dark lies, and a terrible withdrawal symptom.  Withdrawal makes you think that you want an end like that to relieve the suffering, but that isn't what you really want!  What is it we all want?  To be healthy and free again.  That's what we really want, not to act on those awful dark benzo lies and thoughts.  Visualize your life as you'll be living it in a year or two, or even in a few months.  Imagine yourself full of health and joy again, with the light of your clean mind and loving heart filling your soul again.  That's the miracle that we're all waiting for, and it will happen for you. 

 

I don't mean to sound all Pollyanna-ish.  I hear you and I know exactly how you feel.  We're going to beat this. 

 

Klungo, I'm sorry you can't run the 10k tomorrow.  I think it's very cool (and a very positive sign!) that you're already feeling well enough to even make plans like that.  Teegirl is right - you'll be victorious tomorrow no matter what you do.  We're victorious every day that we get through. 

 

Teegirl, I love the second arrow story - thank you for posting that link.  It's very true - this process is teaching me that I am not my body, not my suffering.  The truth (we will heal) has nothing to do with what we think or feel.  Even though my mind is terribly sick right now, my true self isn't sick.  I suffer mostly when I forget this. 

 

I do the whole bedtime, sleep hygiene ritual too - I'm almost OCD about it, but I am sleeping.  Right now I'm sipping my chamomile tea, and in about five minutes I'll take my l-tryptophan and melatonin.  Then I will cross my fingers and knock on wood, put on my lucky socks and say my prayers. 

 

Take care, buddies,

CH

[[Kl...]]

so so sorry  :'(

 

i've been there, the depression is just awful, it really really sucks...

 

don't feel guilty... you are doing the best you can... give yourself lots of credit... be kind to yourself

 

glad you have your fiance to support you... if she's standing by you in all of this you know she's a keeper!

 

this process is awful, but you will get through it, we'll all get through it together

 

hang in there okay?

 

Thanks Tee, she has had her bad days but we are still here and fighting. Every time I get down I worry she thinks it will never end, which I know she does some days. She is a keeper and I feel very lucky. Can't wait to be healed and to get married next year.

 

Appreciate your kind words and support!

 

 

Colley, I cry so often now.. every little thing sets me off. I was always sentimental but this is ridiculous. I do function well, honestly, if it wasn't for the sick feeling and fatigue I'd be in good shape. I can handle some muscle pain if I feel good and can do things without worrying I'll feel crap in the middle of it. Sorry you are struggling with depression, it's a bitch. I had a couple weeks where I had none, now I've had it again the last couple days, but only in spurts. I'm hoping it's part of a wave that goes away soon and I get back on track. Hang in there, we have a good group of peeps in this thread I think all around the same jump time so we can all support each other.

 

Now the evening has rolled around I am feeling fairly ok again. Going to see wonder woman with my girl, hopefully I stay feeling ok.

 

Have a good night!

 

 

[[Kl...]]

ComingHome, I could maybe run it (maybe), but I struggled to do 3 miles this morning. Ugh, I ran a half marathon a year ago in 1:32.. that's 6:50 min miles ish I think, I was running around 9 min this morning and it was hard.. it's almost comical, but I have to remember that being off for a year regardless of this would make it hard. I just have to start working towards fitness again as best I can in the circumstances and hoping it aids in my recovery. I also told my fiance I'd walk it with her because she is not in any shape to do it either right now. It may be the first and only time we do something at the same speed and cross the line together 

[[Fa...]]

Hello buddies,

I have been following this thread with great interest. I really enjoy the positive and thoughtful comments and I would like to join the club. I am 5 months, 1 week and 4 days out...so still a bit early in this process. I am doing relatively well in these circumstances having good days when I feel close to 100% (most of the day) but also rough days...Through this site I've better understood how powerful is the interaction between people under extreme life conditions. I've understood that it is vital to take and give support...to open up your heart and hold onto your HOPE.

"If you would like to TAKE you must first GIVE". So, I'm happy to help!

Hope everyone is having a decent time, and gets some NICE WINDOWS this weekend.

Warm regards,

FS

[[Fa...]]

Thanks Teegirl for sharing the link. It is really appreciated! We use to say:"Fear makes the wolf BIGGER than he is..."

[[te...]]

hi fallingstar--congrats on getting to 5 months! hope the worst is over for you and for all of us...

 

klungo--that will be very special to walk together with your fiance and cross the line together. hope you feel better today and enjoy your race!

 

cominghome--so glad you are gettting sleep! that is a huge blessing! i've been skimping on my bedtime routine and not sleeping as well. or maybe it's that i'm missing the lucky socks lol

 

colley--i'm sorry that your wife doesn't believe you're in w/d anymore. have you shown her this web site? i don't know how anyone could read what people are struggling with on here, and not believe that w/d can last a very very long time...

 

happy weekend everyone

 

love to you all 

[[co...]]

She won't come on this site and thinks I spend too much time here... which I probably do. But it's all I have in regards to people who actually understand and validate. Thanks T.

[[Kl...]]

Well unfortunately we didn't make it to the 10k. We went to see wonder woman and it didn't get out til late. We didn't want to get up at 5 am to drive an hour for the 10k with not much sleep. The movie however was great and I felt good. I can honestly say it was the first movie I've seen in withdrawal that I felt fully connected and able to follow it 100% with all the action. Even a month ago seeing Guardians of the Galaxy, while I enjoyed I felt a little disconnected still at times.

 

The morning was good but the afternoon was crappy again. The last 3 days have had this pattern, sickly & achy all afternoon. Hope it lifts by this evening like it did last night since we have some friends over. The first time I've had them hang out here since this shit began also. Little nervous but happy at the same time. Also a little down about since I know I won't be feeling 100% and can't have a drink etc.

 

How are you all doing today?

[[co...]]

Better day... good day almost. But Saturdays for one reason or another seem to be my best day of the week mentally. Good news on the movie Klungo... another win.

[[Kl...]]

Glad you had a good day! I think I must be in a wave now, that's 3 days of feeling crappy in a row. I seem to get one big one a month