New 6-12 month buddy group

[[te...]]

yes thank you sofa! so glad you have healed so much... thank you for sticking around to encourage all of us 

[[co...]]

Thank you Sofa. I have a significant amount of serious depression... I don't think anyone in our group is really suffering with this. I have had suicidal thoughts for longer than I can remember now. At least 1.5 years and 9 months of that spent in withdrawal. Mostly because I am unable to distract myself with anything meaningful... and just not having any motivation to do something. I don't seem to have many physical symptoms at all which is why I think I will not recover from this mentally. I feel like the damage is done mentally. My doctor, being very concerned, has put me on Lamictal to see if he can balance my moods... medication is the last thing I want to do but I don't think that I have a choice. My depression stems from the fact that I can't seem to get myself back to work / interviewing / life... I never feel well enough to engage at that level and now I don't think that I ever will. I've lost so much self confidence and feel like a child afraid of the world. Fatigued most of the time even though I'm probably physically healthier than I've ever been. I'm not sure I can wait this out anymore... I really think that I will not turn a corner like those in protracted. I'm not even sure how you can go a year, year and a half, two years ....financially, let alone dealing with boredom, depression, anxiety, etc...

[[Fa...]]

Colley,

You will SURVIVE all these challenges and thrive again!

Please don't forget - the number one rule of this battle is to take one hour/ one day at a time.

Acceptance is the way to go. W/d IS only a temporary condition!

Hang in there, dear friend - you're much stronger than you think!

[[wa...]]

Nice to see folks like SOFa visiting and lighting the way for us.

 

I was embarrassed by my earlier confession of thinking I was normal and having gin and tonics.  That was last Thurs and I am still suffering.  No bouncing back quickly anymore.  I'm pretty miserable that I did this to myself and accept that it may be a long, long time before even thinking of drinking.  What a dope I was. I am close to acute today because I had trouble driving.  I am just assuming it was the booze last Thurs. I made a mistake.  I am very, very scared and ashamed of myself.  I wanted a break from my probs.  It worked for about 2 hours.  WBB

[[Co...]]

Thank you Sofa. I have a significant amount of serious depression... I don't think anyone in our group is really suffering with this. I have had suicidal thoughts for longer than I can remember now. At least 1.5 years and 9 months of that spent in withdrawal. Mostly because I am unable to distract myself with anything meaningful... and just not having any motivation to do something. I don't seem to have many physical symptoms at all which is why I think I will not recover from this mentally. I feel like the damage is done mentally. My doctor, being very concerned, has put me on Lamictal to see if he can balance my moods... medication is the last thing I want to do but I don't think that I have a choice. My depression stems from the fact that I can't seem to get myself back to work / interviewing / life... I never feel well enough to engage at that level and now I don't think that I ever will. I've lost so much self confidence and feel like a child afraid of the world. Fatigued most of the time even though I'm probably physically healthier than I've ever been. I'm not sure I can wait this out anymore... I really think that I will not turn a corner like those in protracted. I'm not even sure how you can go a year, year and a half, two years ....financially, let alone dealing with boredom, depression, anxiety, etc...

 

Colley,

You are definitely not the only one here suffering from benzo-induced depression.  All of us on this thread are currently, or recently suffered from this.  Depression is my predominant sx, and it's brutal.  I've had clinical depression in the past, and it doesn't hold a candle to this beast - I don't know how to explain how it feels different, any more than I'd be able to describe the difference between a hangover and a fever - it just feels different.  It's a different "depression" altogether.  So I understand how you feel.

 

What you're feeling is definitely just a symptom of the injury to your CNS and the ongoing healing process, and it will get better.  You mentioned only having mental sxs - that's not uncommon at all, and the absence of physical symptoms isn't an indicator at all of whether or not you'll heal.  That isn't logical if you think about it - try to look at it differently.  Perhaps the lack of physical sxs means you can heal more quickly - it's one less thing your body has to try heal. 

 

Here's what I know to be true:

- at 9 months, you're not fully recovered.  How you feel now is not how you'll feel when this is over.  Your story of healing isn't yet over.  In other words, this will get better.  When you're completely healed, you will feel better. 

 

- you will turn a corner.  You'll probably turn several corners, and each one of them will bring deeper levels of healing

 

- there's no reason to believe that your healing will be protracted, but if it is, you'll get through it.  It won't be this bad at 12 months, or 18 months, or 12 years or however long this takes each of us.

 

I hope I don't sound like I'm lecturing.  I'm glad you're giving the Lamictal a try - give it some more time.  And I'm glad that you're venting here - you're definitely not alone.

:smitten:

 

CH

 

[[Co...]]

Nice to see folks like SOFa visiting and lighting the way for us.

 

I was embarrassed by my earlier confession of thinking I was normal and having gin and tonics.  That was last Thurs and I am still suffering.  No bouncing back quickly anymore.  I'm pretty miserable that I did this to myself and accept that it may be a long, long time before even thinking of drinking.  What a dope I was. I am close to acute today because I had trouble driving.  I am just assuming it was the booze last Thurs. I made a mistake.  I am very, very scared and ashamed of myself.  I wanted a break from my probs.  It worked for about 2 hours.  WBB

 

Hey WBB,

No reason to be embarassed - we've all wanted relief from this hell.  Sorry you're suffering from the G/T, but I'd say chalk it up to experience and move on.  Don't be so hard on yourself. 

 

I think many of us ended up taking benzos because we wanted to "fix" something - whether it was insomnia or anxiety or whatever.  Healing from benzos is just the ultimate lesson in how to "fix" ourselves - but with good health and radical self-care, and lots of time.  You'll be okay - be kind to yourself. 

 

CH

[[so...]]

Colley,

 

I could have written your post myself, and DID, a year ago.  How you feel is totally normal for withdrawal.  All parts of the brain are effected, some more than others, depending on the individual.  The receptors in the brain need to upregulate and, when they do, your depression will lift. 

 

Here's a quote from a website that tells you the area (amygdala) that governs depression.  This is all physiological, just like all symptoms.  The mentals were tough for me but, when you wrap your head around the fact that the emotional and mental symptoms are no different than gastric issues, nerve pain, blurry vision, muscle cramps, migraines, etc., you don't fear it as much.

 

"Emotions, like fear and love, are carried out by the limbic system, which is located in the temporal lobe. While the limbic system is made up of multiple parts of the brain, the center of emotional processing is the amygdala, which receives input from other brain functions, like memory and attention."

 

You will be fine.  All this shit peters out and eventually disappears.  We are lucky.  This is temporary.  Benzos do not cause permanent damage.  If they did, they would have been banned 50 years ago.  Lawsuits would have been astronomical.  Well, that didn't happen and you know why?  Everyone heals and they move on with their lives.  They forget about all of their suffering.  This is not the rest of your life.  This is a crummy part...with a big payoff.

 

Sofa

 

 

[[co...]]

Thanks everyone... sorry to lay this on everyone all the time. I know most of us aren't feeling well and I haven't been able to provide much encouragement to the team here. I just feel so alone and ashamed of myself. My wife is so tired of this life and what it's morphed into. She tries to help but doesn't understand and I hope to god she never does. Every week I seem to get a little more desperate. I never would have touched another psyche med 3 months ago. Now I'll do pretty much anything ...pretty sad state of affairs.

[[Kl...]]

It's really hard on the partners I know my fiance has struggled a lot at times, but things are getting better and it will help her a lot when she sees that.

 

Hang in there man!

[[te...]]

colley, so sorry you are feeling so bad... how do you feel on the Lamictal? hope it is helping you... sending you lots of hugs  :hug:

[[wa...]]

Thanks, COmingHome -- your words are helping me more than you know.  I feel I've really set myself back.  This relapse/wave has brought back all those early on sxs.  Wow it was hell.  I hope this ends soon and I can just be my regular crappy self instead of super crappy. WBB

[[Me...]]

So I went to a baseball game and a carnival in the past 2 days and felt okay and I was socializing! But still can't shake this slight DP/DR! This symptom is the worst one !!!

[[Kl...]]

For me the worst of it was gone around 6 months but only now at around 9 months I feel like it's gone completely as far as I can tell. It will keep getting better I'm sure!

[[te...]]

WBB so sorry you had a setback and really hope you feel better soon...

 

good for you Meech on getting out!! 

 

[[co...]]

T - Too early to tell. Still having bad days. I don't want to be on the lamictal for a long time but if it helps me to function then that will be enough. Seeing an Endocrinologist today... first appointment so I don't expect much except an order for a bunch of blood work. I just really want to make sure that there isn't any hormonal or thyroid challenges. I'm sure I have adrenal fatigue and I've been on Testosterone therapy since January as my levels were super low. I'd rather have a specialist check up on these things rather than my GP. I'm sure everything will come back fine... which will suck. 

[[so...]]

WBB,

 

Don't beat yourself up.  This is a huge learning process.  We do things, we learn, we move on much wiser.

 

Sofa

[[Co...]]

T - Too early to tell. Still having bad days. I don't want to be on the lamictal for a long time but if it helps me to function then that will be enough. Seeing an Endocrinologist today... first appointment so I don't expect much except an order for a bunch of blood work. I just really want to make sure that there isn't any hormonal or thyroid challenges. I'm sure I have adrenal fatigue and I've been on Testosterone therapy since January as my levels were super low. I'd rather have a specialist check up on these things rather than my GP. I'm sure everything will come back fine... which will suck.

 

Colley,

 

If everything comes back fine, that's good news!!  You WILL HEAL from using benzos. There are many disorders that could be permanent! 

[[lo...]]

anybody here going through a harder time in month 7? I feel like month 4 was a turning point, and I felt ok in general, but since a week or so.....crap. not as bad as acute, but I am wondering wtf is happening....

[[Kl...]]

Month 7 I had a big wave for a week or two and when I hit 7 months going into month 8, things improved a lot.

[[co...]]

...hey guys just wondering... is anyone experiencing a general head pain, heaviness, weirdness? I think I spoke to soon on the "no physical" challenges front. There just doesn't seem to be in any clarity and it feels like my brain is damaged. That's the only way I can explain it. Just a general, lingering, ache in my head.

 

thank you

[[lo...]]

good to know. some days  I seem to cycle between waves and windows. for example half a day feel like hell, another half feel fully normal. never know what comes next or why.

 

Month 7 I had a big wave for a week or two and when I hit 7 months going into month 8, things improved a lot.

[[lo...]]

i think this is quiet normal. feeling of fog....as your neurotransmitter are off still. for me sometimes it goes into (slight) depression, then axiety, etc....

like there is a 'middle' for feeling normal, and I am either below or above it, with some days hitting the right spot.

I think that is a sign of healing and getting back to normal

 

...hey guys just wondering... is anyone experiencing a general head pain, heaviness, weirdness? I think I spoke to soon on the "no physical" challenges front. There just doesn't seem to be in any clarity and it feels like my brain is damaged. That's the only way I can explain it. Just a general, lingering, ache in my head.

 

thank you

[[Kl...]]

good to know. some days  I seem to cycle between waves and windows. for example half a day feel like hell, another half feel fully normal. never know what comes next or why.

 

Month 7 I had a big wave for a week or two and when I hit 7 months going into month 8, things improved a lot.

 

Around that time I had a lot of that. Now it's more stable and feel fairly normal most of the day. Still have off days and hours but in general much more ok than bad. Wish this was over it's getting really tedious!

[[co...]]

..yep the tedium is killing me (literally). I'm just going to have to find some sort of work I can do. I wish I could find something to do from home. I'm pretty well educated and have a lot of experience managing business accounts. But that's a full on sales job that I'm not sure I could handle or even get in this state. You pretty much have to be happy go lucky 100% of the time.

[[lo...]]

I understand, I feel similar, thankfully I switched to remote work with my current place. I feel well enough to do remote work, although its hard sometimes, but even the thought of the office seems like a horror to me. the commute itself would probably kill me....

..yep the tedium is killing me (literally). I'm just going to have to find some sort of work I can do. I wish I could find something to do from home. I'm pretty well educated and have a lot of experience managing business accounts. But that's a full on sales job that I'm not sure I could handle or even get in this state. You pretty much have to be happy go lucky 100% of the time.