New 6-12 month buddy group

[[...]]

Hi T1D 

 

Thanks! You are such a caring person. You made me feel happy!

 

 

Np, we need all the little bits of help we can get during this Jim. My pleasure.

[[Ry...]]

I haven't checked in in a while and I suppose that is a good thing. I have had several stretches of days at a time where I feel 80-85% decent. Some symptoms have faded away but others have stuck around. I am currently in my worst wave since month 6 and I guess that's why I find myself back on these boards  Currently experiencing either a bad case of benzo flu or actually getting sick. I don't have any other symptom of sickness and its that old feeling that I have come to know so well. Luckily I have not experienced this in several months, but it coming back so strong, makes me wonder when this whole experience will be over. I guess its the dreaded massive wave as you approach 11-12 months. Again, its not all been hell over the last couple of months, but currently....it is. Man I am so sick of this. I just want my life back.

[[bo...]]

Hey Ryan... I know the feeling. I am just on 12 months now.. and you used a word that sums the whole thing up for me.. 'odd' ....I have felt odd the last few days ..I have been experiencing that out of body feeling where everything feels like it's you beside yourself rather than real .. I'm sure you will understand what I mean . It's such a weird feeling and makes you think you are going quite mad! I must admit I thought it would be all over by now, but it's  not ... ! But it sure is better , and I have to keep reminding myself of that .....I feel I might have a false perspective of what it is going to be like. I'm not sure there is ever a 'normal' again ....maybe it's about readjusting to a new type of normal. Hang in there x

[[...]]

Hey Ryan... I know the feeling. I am just on 12 months now.. and you used a word that sums the whole thing up for me.. 'odd' ....I have felt odd the last few days ..I have been experiencing that out of body feeling where everything feels like it's you beside yourself rather than real .. I'm sure you will understand what I mean . It's such a weird feeling and makes you think you are going quite mad! I must admit I thought it would be all over by now, but it's  not ... ! But it sure is better , and I have to keep reminding myself of that .....I feel I might have a false perspective of what it is going to be like. I'm not sure there is ever a 'normal' again ....maybe it's about readjusting to a new type of normal. Hang in there x

 

Dear BozoBertie,

 

I am so sorry you are going through this "odd" phase. That sounds like mild DR, but I am not an expert on that - and it doesn't really matter what it is, we all know it is withdrawal - and as such, it will get better.

 

I know you've seen great improvement and wonderful signs of healing - including returning emotion! (isn't that the most wonderful thing? Emotional blunting/anhedonia is my worst symptom)- I also know that you've been "slammed" with more difficult symptoms like pain quite some months out... I'd argue that from what I have read around BBs in my 3.5 years here, that it is all NORMAL considering what you have gone through!

 

The other thing I wanted to say (writing from underneath my hardly woken-up foggy brain) is that I don't agree with the sentences in bold. While many have had doubts while going through all this (and who wouldn't?!), most have come back saying again and again how incredible it all was as they stopped believing they would ever return to "normal", live a normal life again.

Doubting recovery sounds "normal"! 

 

For many, recovery takes much longer than we ever thought it would. I am also nearing my one-year off mark, and quite frankly, I can't say that my mental symptoms have shifted at all. I have become better at coping, I have found activities to keep myself a bit more busy but this is still very, very hard.

 

I think only hindsight will give meaning to all of this. Looking back, we will be able to see how this or that was slowly improving, perhaps not linearly, but we will notice the shift starting to operate. Right now, we are in the thick of it, our job is to get through this time of our lives. We can't yet grasp the hugeness of what we are currently doing, and perhaps that's a good thing as it may look or feel daunting to be on such a great and important mission. We need to be focused on the task at hand: surviving. But once things get to an easier level, I bet hindsight will provide us with a totally new vision over all of this.

 

So let's focus on the positive things which have happened since coming off benzos, and let's make sure we have enough blank space to fill that list with so much more - because there is so much more to come!

 

Great big Hugs 

Julz xxx

[[...]]

I haven't checked in in a while and I suppose that is a good thing. I have had several stretches of days at a time where I feel 80-85% decent. Some symptoms have faded away but others have stuck around. I am currently in my worst wave since month 6 and I guess that's why I find myself back on these boards  Currently experiencing either a bad case of benzo flu or actually getting sick. I don't have any other symptom of sickness and its that old feeling that I have come to know so well. Luckily I have not experienced this in several months, but it coming back so strong, makes me wonder when this whole experience will be over. I guess its the dreaded massive wave as you approach 11-12 months. Again, its not all been hell over the last couple of months, but currently....it is. Man I am so sick of this. I just want my life back.

 

That is wonderful, Ryano! 

The stretches of days feeling 80/85%, I mean!  It is all about noticing those improvements, which confirm that you HAVE done some good healing already - but something else: you ARE healing - and as such, there is so much more to come.

 

Isn't it wonderful to be able to take some distance with BBs? I did get a few instances of thinking less about withdrawal, and man, that was a window to me!

 

I know there is no reading in a crystal ball how this is all going to go for any of us, most probably we are all going to go through different things, some get waves and windows, some heal more linearly... some, like you, can talk about 80% at a year out while some, by that time, have totally moved on, and others, like me, are still hoping for a sign of healing, anything. But it is good to have each other. Positive people, positive threads, empathy... time and space dedicated to our healing while we go through whatever we have to go through.

 

I hope you can take another good break from BBs very soon!

Hugs 

Julz xxx

[[Ry...]]

Wow Julz, that was written so thoughtfully. You are the voice of reason and I appreciate you.

 

I have to be greatful for my healing thus far, but man it’s tough to get thrown back to the pits of hell after tasting what could be a path to normal. Seems to be very common around this time so I’ll try my best to roll with the punches and hope for better days. Thanks again Julz!

[[...]]

Wow Julz, that was written so thoughtfully. You are the voice of reason and I appreciate you.

 

I have to be greatful for my healing thus far, but man it’s tough to get thrown back to the pits of hell after tasting what could be a path to normal. Seems to be very common around this time so I’ll try my best to roll with the punches and hope for better days. Thanks again Julz!

 

I don't know how much of a "voice of reason" I am  but I am glad if my words helped!

 

I can understand that it must be highly unsettling to be thrown back into a wave after having been able to taste the comfort of a window or of baseline improvement. I suppose this is the other side of resilience, we get used very quickly to feeling better and not needing to cope through every second... from relief back to grief  That doesn't sound very "normal". Aside drug withdrawal, I don't think there is any other type of recovery which entails waves and windows! Go figure... best try not to try to work it out. But realise that we are naturally way more inclined to mentally accept gradual recovery than waves and windows. Although gradual at a snail's pace... that too is very challenging!

 

Which brings me to my next point: after this, I think nothing will ever stand in our way 

 

Hugs 

Julz

[[Pa...]]

Hi All,

 

I'm about 8 months off benzos and while it's been tough, it's so much better than when I was on Benzos. Prior to jumping, I had two really bad years where I hardly got any windows. The most I would see was one or two days a month. It was pure hell and wouldn't wish it on anyone. Since jumping I have had some good windows and at times I thought I was fully healed. So the good news is that I'm better but the bad news is that going back in a wave is hell.

 

Like everyone here, we all have our own stories. Mine is a little complicated because after jumping I stayed on my AD's and I don't know if they are helping or hurting me. Just writing this is making my anxiety spike even higher. This is because my CNS is so sensitive that any little thing will make me worse.

 

About 21 days ago I was in a really bad wave and needed something to help me. I had my old Gabapentin prescription and took 200mg in the morning, then 200 in the afternoon and 200 at bedtime. The next morning I woke up without any anxiety. This was the first time I woke up feeling that good in years. My day was also great so I decided to keep taking them just that way. So for about 19 days I was doing really well. No morning anxiety and I thought I was healed. My only side effect was that I wasn't sleeping well and I had daytime brain fog. During this time I also had increased my Effexor to 225mg from 187.5 and stopped taking Trazodone. Yesterday it all came crashing down. I woke up with Anxiety and the brain fog became worse. I tried to take 300mg last night at bedtime to see if it would help me sleep better and wake up without anxiety. That didn't work, I slept less and again woke up with anxiety. Today I decided to stop taking it. So I'm back to having my GAD but my brain fog is lifting and I'm getting my energy back. BTW, I'm 8 months off of Benzos and mostly experiencing waves but getting the occasional window.

 

Can anyone please tell me what happened or what I did wrong? Honestly I would have been fine living with the brain fog. It wasn't good but so much better than anxiety, breathlessness, tinnitus and all the other crap I've been suffering from.

 

 

[[bo...]]

Julz .I can see where you are coming from .. I guess that looking back and seeing 'normal' is a bit  like how the task of tapering itself seemed insurmountable at the time.. looking back on my taper of 2.5 years , if I had known at the begining it would take that long would never have started.. and this recovery period is taking way longer than I thought it would ..  the process is not a linear one .. but then is normal ? To be honest I can hardly remember what 'normal' was, and the circumstances of my life at the time of benzos was certainly not in any way 'normal' . I do read people coming back and saying that they doubted normality would return and it has, but I think everyone's version of normal is different. I think what I meant more in my post was that it's a new type of normal .. it's different than the normal at age 23 .. it's normal for this aging old senior of nearly 65 !!and  what I'm loving is that I can explain my statements. Examine and explain my meaning of what I've written .. NOT argue the point and make one person right and another wrong... oh my goodness what an achievement is that in itself.. just having a discussion and a different point of view.. and it's OK !

love to you my lovely BB friend Julz .. your input always means the world to me xxxxxxxx

[[Re...]]

Hang in there ladies and gentlemen! Things will get better eventually. Just remember the first year  off is the hardest, so you are all in the thick of it. Wish you all the best in your healing and that you find some type of relief even if it's only a small amount. Don't give up and don't give in to the benzos ever again.

[[...]]

Hi All,

 

I'm about 8 months off benzos and while it's been tough, it's so much better than when I was on Benzos. Prior to jumping, I had two really bad years where I hardly got any windows. The most I would see was one or two days a month. It was pure hell and wouldn't wish it on anyone. Since jumping I have had some good windows and at times I thought I was fully healed. So the good news is that I'm better but the bad news is that going back in a wave is hell.

 

Like everyone here, we all have our own stories. Mine is a little complicated because after jumping I stayed on my AD's and I don't know if they are helping or hurting me. Just writing this is making my anxiety spike even higher. This is because my CNS is so sensitive that any little thing will make me worse.

 

About 21 days ago I was in a really bad wave and needed something to help me. I had my old Gabapentin prescription and took 200mg in the morning, then 200 in the afternoon and 200 at bedtime. The next morning I woke up without any anxiety. This was the first time I woke up feeling that good in years. My day was also great so I decided to keep taking them just that way. So for about 19 days I was doing really well. No morning anxiety and I thought I was healed. My only side effect was that I wasn't sleeping well and I had daytime brain fog. During this time I also had increased my Effexor to 225mg from 187.5 and stopped taking Trazodone. Yesterday it all came crashing down. I woke up with Anxiety and the brain fog became worse. I tried to take 300mg last night at bedtime to see if it would help me sleep better and wake up without anxiety. That didn't work, I slept less and again woke up with anxiety. Today I decided to stop taking it. So I'm back to having my GAD but my brain fog is lifting and I'm getting my energy back. BTW, I'm 8 months off of Benzos and mostly experiencing waves but getting the occasional window.

 

Can anyone please tell me what happened or what I did wrong? Honestly I would have been fine living with the brain fog. It wasn't good but so much better than anxiety, breathlessness, tinnitus and all the other crap I've been suffering from.

 

I'm so sorry to hear you have been slammed again, PaulMar. As someone who was also on ADs, I know how complicated it is when dealing with polypharmacy. I am not here to say whether ADs or gabapentin are good or bad, it is however difficult to know why you got "slammed". I'd argue it doesn't have to be because of anything you did with the other meds. Perhaps the window went and the wave came, just like what seems to happen for most and during many months after jumping off benzos.

 

There are different views on other drugs to "assist" in benzo withdrawal. I have chosen to go without as much as I can, so probably not the best person to reply to your post  Although you have to keep telling yourself that you are healing from benzos - it is non-linear just the way it seems to have to be (for most). It is happening, you can see the improvement yourself, so that is all good! 

[[...]]

Julz .I can see where you are coming from .. I guess that looking back and seeing 'normal' is a bit  like how the task of tapering itself seemed insurmountable at the time.. looking back on my taper of 2.5 years , if I had known at the begining it would take that long would never have started.. and this recovery period is taking way longer than I thought it would ..  the process is not a linear one .. but then is normal ? To be honest I can hardly remember what 'normal' was, and the circumstances of my life at the time of benzos was certainly not in any way 'normal' . I do read people coming back and saying that they doubted normality would return and it has, but I think everyone's version of normal is different. I think what I meant more in my post was that it's a new type of normal .. it's different than the normal at age 23 .. it's normal for this aging old senior of nearly 65 !!and  what I'm loving is that I can explain my statements. Examine and explain my meaning of what I've written .. NOT argue the point and make one person right and another wrong... oh my goodness what an achievement is that in itself.. just having a discussion and a different point of view.. and it's OK !

love to you my lovely BB friend Julz .. your input always means the world to me xxxxxxxx

 

Oh, Bozo! 

 

Same thing here. Had I known how long the tapering process would take... I actually read back in my BB Blog, realising that, at first, I didn't even think about becoming benzo or any med-free. I wanted to lower my dose of benzos to be less tired. So oblivious to everything the drugs had been doing to me 

It took me 2 and a half years of tapering...  :o

...and when I jumped, a year ago, I thought a few months would bring much more improvement in my mental/emotional state. I'm glad I didn't know what I was going to go through - otherwise... well, I am glad there is no "otherwise"!

I look back, and think "wow".

But what is important, is that we got where we are, and that so much more is to come. We can do it 

 

"Normal", not a "normal" word 

Hard to remember any "normal". Meds totally robbed me from my ability to experience my own "normal" for many many years. I don't think it happened overnight, which explains why I didn't realise what was happening, even if I was indeed blaming all my struggles on my poor mental health.

For somebody who has been on drugs for a decade or more, there surely (and thankfully!) is no going back to the pre-drug self. No matter how bad it was, we have evolved, learned, matured... we have our experience of life, whether on drugs or not. So I very much agree with you there!

...also agree that we could agree to disagree, without anyone of us being necessarily right or wrong. Just point of views. And this is what makes life so rich! Being able to discuss, perhaps re-evaluate what we think after getting somebody else's input, making up our own mind. And never ever setting anything in stone, we remain open to life!

 

It is so good to know that we are getting our brains back!!  :thumbsup:

 

Lots of Love to you too, BozoBertie! Hugs 

Julia xxx

[[...]]

Hang in there ladies and gentlemen! Things will get better eventually. Just remember the first year  off is the hardest, so you are all in the thick of it. Wish you all the best in your healing and that you find some type of relief even if it's only a small amount. Don't give up and don't give in to the benzos ever again.

 

Thank you so much, Remy 

Words like yours are what give me strength, day after day after day... I hope to be able to start writing about recovery from my own experience, but in the meantime... I am clinging onto words like yours 

Happy Healing and Health and Happiness 

Julz xxx

[[ga...]]

I'll be 6 months off in about 12 days so am glad to be this far and joining this group.  Looks like there's not much activity.  Perhaps that will change since I've bumped it up to the top.  Is anyone getting better after reaching the 6 month mark?

[[ni...]]

I am at the 8 month mark soon and am still hoping for better weeks, not days. My sleep is not what it should be, but somehow I get by on 4-5 hours of sleep most nights. Last night it was three. It doesn't take much to rob me of sleeping.

With that being said, there are some improvements. I just  want there to me more. 

 

[[bo...]]

Aaah yes the sleep thing!! I had a really good week , with an average of seven hours waking up in,y once or twice. The things dreams are made of right!

Last night about 2-3 hours , vivid dreaming , about ten bathroom stops !

Just when you think you've got it beat ! Lol

[[ni...]]

bozobertie, you have had some great sleep nights! There always is a payoff, it seems.

I've noticed my bathroom trips are lessening.I'm down to 4-5 trips.  Getting up 10-12 times a night was no fun.

Seriously, I thought I was probably one of a few who did that! ha. We are all in this together one way or another.

Hang in there and one day sleep will be yours.

[[bo...]]

I'm in the trenches again ! Just can't get rid of this sinus problem since having a cold a few months ago .. not only does it make me feel miserable it also makes me feel nauseated .  It all just changes so quickly . I realise the cold grey days of the winter months don't help me much either ...

BUT I realise what is happening and just being kind to myself and doing the best I can .. once I get past the HA of there is something  critically wrong I manage better!

This certainly is one day at a time ! But together we will all stumble across the finish line ! Xx

[[ni...]]

bozobertie, I had lingering sinus problems after a head cold this winter. I also had a cough. Both are mostly gone, but they lasted a long time. Everything seems a bit magnified for some reason.

 

[[id...]]

I am 8.5 months off and cannot feel my face and the front of my body. It feels like my brain is going to shut down any moment. Sleep is still hard. Fatigue is disabling. Memory is so poor, I cannot remember what I ate today. Thinking through this post seems almost impossible.

 

If only I knew this would be happening, I'd probably taper MUCH, MUCH slower. But I was just so DONE with the Klonopin.

 

How are you, guys, doing? Any improvements?

[[ni...]]

ideal, is the numb face and front of your body new? I hope the feeling comes back soon. Fatigue is incredibly disabling.

This week sleep went far far away. It is 1:08 am and I've been awake since 10:30. I slept perhaps 30 minutes and that was it. Last night I didn't sleep either, so really hoped I would tonight. Oh well.

We are leaving to go visit my mom on sunday for the week. Getting ready and all that goes with traveling can stress me out. Once I thought being back in the bedroom I grew up in would help, but nope. Anyway, I'll be back next Friday and just maybe I will relax enough to sleep better.

The ringing in my ears has worsened this week. My brain isnt happy that sleep has pretty much disappeared.

 

[[pr...]]

I am at 6 months and some things are better. Sleep changes but I am glad I get what I get. As long as I get 4-5 hours a night I can make it. It has been over a month since I had one of those 1-3 hour nights. Thank God for that.

[[ni...]]

preachergirl, I'm with you..4-5 hours a night is doable.

Last night I slept 8+ hours. I can count the times on one hand how many times I  have done that since I kindled on clonazepam years ago.

Tonight will probably be a bust for sleep, but I truly don't care!

Sleeping that many hours with no chemicals in my body whatsoever is all I want or need.

 

[[Th...]]

I am almost 1 year off 0.5 xanax. I have bad anxiety in the throad and chest. Head hurts on right side and so does neck.my hands shake off and on during the day . I have been crying everyday. Any advice would be appreciated.