New 6-12 month buddy group

[[te...]]

hi guys, i had a good day yesterday. went for a long walk with a friend in the morning and took my daughter shopping in the late afternoon. i kept my evening good and boring and was rewarded with a pretty good night of sleep. i was up only once in the middle of the night. woke up feeling scared, prayed and prayed to God for help and finally got out of bed.

 

so glad you enjoyed the movie klungo! that's amazing you were able to do that. i haven't watched a movie yet since this happened to me. i have to keep my evenings so sedate if i want to have any hope of sleeping at night... makes it hard to watch anything exciting like a movie.

 

i find myself having a lot of existential thoughts... why am i here?  why is this happening to me? why is life so hard? why why why

i read an old post where the person said that during w/d they had a lot of existential thoughts but after they healed they went away and they were happy to just be alive.

sometimes i look at all the "normal" people walking around and long to be like them, just living their lives, not tormented by all these questions...

 

can anyone relate?

 

[[je...]]

Hi! I am glad I (re)found this board.  I am 8 months jumped and while I feel pretty good most times, lately I've been struck with anxiety off and on for a few days.  YUK!!  Brought out Bach's Rescue Remedy and that helps.  Sleep has been rough too in that I'm awake 90 mins to 2 hours during the night.  Unfortunately along with that I feel very "down in the dumps".

 

This is weird to me: For well over a year through taper and now being off Valium, even when feeling well, I feel "lost" - as in no purpose or direction.  Social activities are a burden in that I have to "chase" friends for dinner dates, phone call chats, other fun stuff.  Sometimes I feel shunned because a "no reply" means people aren't interested(?).  It hurts my heart badly.  I just don't want to go down the path of worse depression.... This is a lingering issue of which I do not know how to improve.  ****ANY THOUGHTS ARE APPRECIATED****

 

I hope a window comes back quickly!!  What a bummer.  Glad to know I am not alone.  Thanks BBs for being here.

[[Co...]]

Hi Jeanermouse, sorry to hear that you're in a wave.  You have a few months under your feet now, and it's only a matter of time.  Depression is my worst sx as well, and anxiety this weekend is at the "terror" level.  You're not alone.  I have that "lost' and no direction feeling as well.  I've read in so many of tthe success stories that it gets better.  We can do this!

 

Hey Teegirl, I can definitely relate to all you're saying.  I have those dark hours in the middle of the night, too, where I lie awake holding my Bible and praying for hours.  And I have all the existential questions - it seems that I can't find any meaning in life.  I'm only 51, but I find myself obsessing over where and how I'll live when I'm old.... I also ruminate over so many regrets from the past.  I have intrusive memories that are just torture.  I even find myself regretting bringing my children into such an awful world.  These thoughts are not my real self!  I've never ever been this way. I've had depression before, but this doesn't even compare - it's as though there should be an entirely different word for this state of mind. 

 

I was feeling that I was getting better - I think I've had a few days where I've felt okay, but now I'm unsure of those memories even.  This is really tough right now.  I guess I'm in the sixth month wave that people talk about..?  I'm praying that is passes quickly.  I pray for all of us - hope that doesn't offend any of you... jeanermouse, teegirl, fallingstar, klungo, colley...  I hope we all see our way through this quickly and with no more suffering.  I think I'm at about the limits of what I can handle. 

[[je...]]

Coming Home - you are sooo right on with your comments.  I am wondering if the recent anxiety is due to the Full (Strawberry) Moon....  As for ruminating on our regrets, that's been a big one for me too.  Intrusive memories of earlier days raising our family and enjoying very small grandchildren almost make me cry.  During the night when I am awake, I too pray and say the rosary.  I've been asking for spiritual help nightly. 

 

I am still on Welbutrin (only 200mg once perday) BUT I do agree I feel so much worse in my heart. It's becoming a tearful after tearful day....so sad.

 

I am sorry a lot of us are in this mess. 

[[te...]]

Hi! I am glad I (re)found this board.  I am 8 months jumped and while I feel pretty good most times, lately I've been struck with anxiety off and on for a few days.  YUK!!  Brought out Bach's Rescue Remedy and that helps.  Sleep has been rough too in that I'm awake 90 mins to 2 hours during the night.  Unfortunately along with that I feel very "down in the dumps".

 

This is weird to me: For well over a year through taper and now being off Valium, even when feeling well, I feel "lost" - as in no purpose or direction.  Social activities are a burden in that I have to "chase" friends for dinner dates, phone call chats, other fun stuff.  Sometimes I feel shunned because a "no reply" means people aren't interested(?).  It hurts my heart badly.  I just don't want to go down the path of worse depression.... This is a lingering issue of which I do not know how to improve.  ****ANY THOUGHTS ARE APPRECIATED****

 

I hope a window comes back quickly!!  What a bummer.  Glad to know I am not alone.  Thanks BBs for being here.

 

hi jeanermouse, i know EXACTLY what you mean. there are many days i feel *almost normal* but in this slow process of coming back to life, i have that "lost" feeling too. i used to be so focused and motivated... now i feel like i will never get back to the old me... i'm so sorry your friends are not being good to you... people in general are very self engrossed and everyone has their own issues so please try not to take it personally if someone is not responsive... i think it's great that you are reaching out to others... that takes a lot of initiative and you should be proud of yourself!! they should be honored to receive a call from you and if they don't respond it's their loss!! good (real) friends are hard to find. if you keep looking, you will find them. in the meantime, we are all here for you okay? no one can understand what we're going through except those of us on this board. i'm so glad we can be here to support each other 

[[te...]]

Hi Jeanermouse, sorry to hear that you're in a wave.  You have a few months under your feet now, and it's only a matter of time.  Depression is my worst sx as well, and anxiety this weekend is at the "terror" level.  You're not alone.  I have that "lost' and no direction feeling as well.  I've read in so many of tthe success stories that it gets better.  We can do this!

 

Hey Teegirl, I can definitely relate to all you're saying.  I have those dark hours in the middle of the night, too, where I lie awake holding my Bible and praying for hours.  And I have all the existential questions - it seems that I can't find any meaning in life.  I'm only 51, but I find myself obsessing over where and how I'll live when I'm old.... I also ruminate over so many regrets from the past.  I have intrusive memories that are just torture.  I even find myself regretting bringing my children into such an awful world.  These thoughts are not my real self!  I've never ever been this way. I've had depression before, but this doesn't even compare - it's as though there should be an entirely different word for this state of mind. 

 

I was feeling that I was getting better - I think I've had a few days where I've felt okay, but now I'm unsure of those memories even.  This is really tough right now.  I guess I'm in the sixth month wave that people talk about..?  I'm praying that is passes quickly.  I pray for all of us - hope that doesn't offend any of you... jeanermouse, teegirl, fallingstar, klungo, colley...  I hope we all see our way through this quickly and with no more suffering.  I think I'm at about the limits of what I can handle.

 

YES i do this too!! the obsessing about where and how it will be when i'm old... often i find myself wishing i could just go straight to heaven to escape the fear and uncertainty, but i know that's not the right thing to wish for, it would be very selfish of me to leave my family like that... i just tell myself that i have to hold on at least until my kids go to college

 

sorry you are having a tough time CH, is it a wave? hope it lifts for you soon... thank you so much for your prayers...

[[Kl...]]

So last night I was still feeling bad when friends came over but around 9 things eased up. It was a little weird being amongst friends and feeling like I don't know then after 10 months of this. I used to have friends over a lot to dj music in the basement but all that stopped. I was sensitive to sound, felt like crap etc for so long. We did that tonight and at first it was awkward but I played music loud and started to enjoy it again. I got tingly for a while but it went away and then I relaxed and enjoyed the time with friends. Not entirely myself but started to forget wd for a bit. It sucked to not enjoy drinks with them but had 1 NA beer and I had fun anyway. Felt strangely calm going to bed. So far today I've not felt sickly and had no muscle pains. Maybe, fingers crossed, that wave passed and things are better the rest of the day.

 

To have fun again doing something I love was huge though and much needed 

[[te...]]

So last night I was still feeling bad when friends came over but around 9 things eased up. It was a little weird being amongst friends and feeling like I don't know then after 10 months of this. I used to have friends over a lot to dj music in the basement but all that stopped. I was sensitive to sound, felt like crap etc for so long. We did that tonight and at first it was awkward but I played music loud and started to enjoy it again. I got tingly for a while but it went away and then I relaxed and enjoyed the time with friends. Not entirely myself but started to forget wd for a bit. It sucked to not enjoy drinks with them but had 1 NA beer and I had fun anyway. Felt strangely calm going to bed. So far today I've not felt sickly and had no muscle pains. Maybe, fingers crossed, that wave passed and things are better the rest of the day.

 

To have fun again doing something I love was huge though and much needed 

 

that's great klungo! glad you had fun!!

[[Co...]]

Klungo, that's awesome!  I'm glad you pushed through and had a good time with no repercussions!  Wonderful progress!  I get that lightening of symptoms too around 9 - 10 p.m.  Sweet relief, even though it isn't a complete window or anything, just a little lightening of the misery.  You're much braver than I am right now, and I'm so glad you enjoyed yourself - after all this you deserve a fun evening!

 

Teegirl, I think it must be a wave.  I just don't know how this things works for me.  I don't really get a true window/wave pattern.  I think my baseline has improved somewhat, and these past few days are definitely worse than the baseline, so I guess it's a wave.  I had funny little very short windows of euphoria in the second/third months.  Now I have days that are a little better than the others.... so I guess they're windows?  No rhyme or reason to any of it - no patterns or triggers that I can discern.  Just lots of ups and downs...  every day is symptom-filled and difficult, but some of them are a real horror show and some of them are tolerable. 

 

There's a great update to a success story that you guys need to check out from a buddy named Maxfield.  She posted a success story back in the dark ages, and came back today with a ten year update!  woo hoo!  I love those success stories.  We're all going to write one... let's hope soon! 

 

 

[[te...]]

Klungo, that's awesome!  I'm glad you pushed through and had a good time with no repercussions!  Wonderful progress!  I get that lightening of symptoms too around 9 - 10 p.m.  Sweet relief, even though it isn't a complete window or anything, just a little lightening of the misery.  You're much braver than I am right now, and I'm so glad you enjoyed yourself - after all this you deserve a fun evening!

 

Teegirl, I think it must be a wave.  I just don't know how this things works for me.  I don't really get a true window/wave pattern.  I think my baseline has improved somewhat, and these past few days are definitely worse than the baseline, so I guess it's a wave.  I had funny little very short windows of euphoria in the second/third months.  Now I have days that are a little better than the others.... so I guess they're windows?  No rhyme or reason to any of it - no patterns or triggers that I can discern.  Just lots of ups and downs...  every day is symptom-filled and difficult, but some of them are a real horror show and some of them are tolerable. 

 

There's a great update to a success story that you guys need to check out from a buddy named Maxfield.  She posted a success story back in the dark ages, and came back today with a ten year update!  woo hoo!  I love those success stories.  We're all going to write one... let's hope soon!

 

me too CH. i never have 100% windows. i have baseline and my windows are when i feel somewhat better and my waves are when i feel worse. but i have never had a 100% window.

[[te...]]

oh btw i jogged 3 miles this morning! i'm proud of myself 

[[co...]]

Just wondering if anyone is taking an AD or a mood stabalizer through this mess? My Dr. gave me Nortriptyline to take at a low dosage 10mg for the head pain. I've been taking it for about 2-3 weeks now. It seems to work a little but maybe I need to up my dosage? I don't know.. nothing ever works for me with these type of medications. I've been watching the Lamicital thread and am now thinking I should give that a try. I wish there were people with more experience using meds during this. It seems like everyone just tries to grin and bear it...  There were so many months that I just refused to take anything as well but I don't have the strength anymore and am so tired of feeling miserable all of the time... 

 

Hope everyone has a good week...

[[Kl...]]

oh btw i jogged 3 miles this morning! i'm proud of myself 

 

Nice job Tee, that's great, keep it up!

 

CH / Tee. I've had very few 100%, but have had some, almost a whole day a couple times. When I look back, some of the windows I felt I was close to normal, but now being where I am I can tell I wasn't as good as I thought. I feel like I am close to that now, but wonder how much better I'll feel in the future. The evenings were always better for me, however it seems now with Summer it comes later. In the winter by 4 or 5 I'd often feel a lot better. Interesting how that works.

 

Yesterday was better for me, but woke up to the longest wave of nerve pain / muscle pain I've had in a while, going on 2 hours now already. After having a day with none, so frustrating!

 

[[Fa...]]

Hello buddies,

How are you doing? I really hope that most of you have a window-day today (well, sometimes we just have to go with the waves for a while...)

I am 5.5 month out and have an awkward every other day pattern of sxs. Sometimes I feel difficult to distinguish between waves and windows though. For instance, today I have only mild fatigue, while other sxs (anxiety, achy muscles) are tolerable and do not last more than 5-10 min. I can function normal, but my tolerance to effort is still limited. In contrast to the early days, I can cope much better with the sxs now.

 

I would have called such day a window-day at the beginning of w/d, but in fact this is not a true window. 

The definition of a window varies widely between ppl in w/d and from one moment to the other.

 

How would you like to define your 'windows'?

What does really matter for you: the type, number or severity of sxs? What should be the reference and range?

I think that using the same language would improve communication between us. If the success stories would use a structured reporting system, we could better understand/ compare information. What do you think?

 

Warmest regards,

Fallingstar

[[te...]]

colley--i am no expert but i'm afraid that adding new meds might be hurting you and lengthening your recovery. from what i've seen on these boards, w/d can last many months or years so it's nearly impossible to be sure that your depression is NOT w/d related, you know? that being said, i have noticed some people on here who have been on an AD during their recovery and still healed... maybe you can ask some of them for more advice? sorry i can't help more. i have very little experience w/ psych meds except for my accidental run-in with klonopin (never again!!!).

 

klungo--so sorry you are in pain. it's so hard not knowing how we're going to feel one day to the next, or even one hour to the next... hope it passes soon 

[[lo...]]

I did use st johns wort 900mg per day for 2-3 months. I think it helped with depression.  it is effective and safe IMO. I still take but reduced to 300mg.  I never had prior depression, but post benzo jump I suffered some. I personally would avoid AD's.

 

Just wondering if anyone is taking an AD or a mood stabalizer through this mess? My Dr. gave me Nortriptyline to take at a low dosage 10mg for the head pain. I've been taking it for about 2-3 weeks now. It seems to work a little but maybe I need to up my dosage? I don't know.. nothing ever works for me with these type of medications. I've been watching the Lamicital thread and am now thinking I should give that a try. I wish there were people with more experience using meds during this. It seems like everyone just tries to grin and bear it...  There were so many months that I just refused to take anything as well but I don't have the strength anymore and am so tired of feeling miserable all of the time... 

 

Hope everyone has a good week...

[[Kl...]]

Hello buddies,

How are you doing? I really hope that most of you have a window-day today (well, sometimes we just have to go with the waves for a while...)

I am 5.5 month out and have an awkward every other day pattern of sxs. Sometimes I feel difficult to distinguish between waves and windows though. For instance, today I have only mild fatigue, while other sxs (anxiety, achy muscles) are tolerable and do not last more than 5-10 min. I can function normal, but my tolerance to effort is still limited. In contrast to the early days, I can cope much better with the sxs now.

 

I would have called such day a window-day at the beginning of w/d, but in fact this is not a true window. 

The definition of a window varies widely between ppl in w/d and from one moment to the other.

 

How would you like to define your 'windows'?

What does really matter for you: the type, number or severity of sxs? What should be the reference and range?

I think that using the same language would improve communication between us. If the success stories would use a structured reporting system, we could better understand/ compare information. What do you think?

 

Warmest regards,

Fallingstar

 

I think windows changed for as I went through this. At first it was a sudden change where I wasn't suffering and felt happy or ok for a short time. Now I don't know that I have windows really, or every day is a window with some sx. I now consider a wave a much worsening of symptoms in a day. I guess that means my baseline is pretty good now and I notice when it's not feeling that way. I think that's a good thing. Does this mean I'm out of the windows / waves phase and just in the sensitivities? Who knows?

 

 

[[co...]]

Thanks Locust - tried SJW but no luck there.

 

Thans T - Ya it's the last thing I want to do but major depression untreated isn't safe I don't think. When you feel hopeless for too long, that can be an end in itself.

 

So, I still don't know what I'm going to do but there's no way I'm going another year or so in this state. I'll have to do something.

[[Fa...]]

Thanks a lot for the excellent comment, Klungo. Indeed, the 'definition' of a window differs between early and later stages of w/d. Some people notice the "sudden change" in suffering that gives us short relief in the early days. Others may not distinguish the difference because of the severe background distress. The point I would like to make is that a uniform description of the windows and waves (e.g. type, severity, duration of sxs and evt triggers/ alleviating factors) would help to conduct studies on healing patterns. I understand that a significant proportion (40%) of people heal suddenly from one day to the other. But in order to DEMONSTRATE this, we need to keep track of our sxs in a structured way, right? Along the same lines, the success stories contain extremely valuable information...but because these data are not presented in a structured/ standard way, we can't pool them to identify healing patterns. We would love to have these data in order to educate the medical community and our buddies.

 

I think that the pattern you describe strongly indicates transition from the waves-windows phase to the sensitivity phase, though you may wish to ask Sofa's insight on this. BTW, Sofa just posted a very uplifting and inspiring update of her recovery in the Dizziness thread...I'm sure you would really enjoy reading that, gals & guys! 

 

Take care and have a peaceful day ALL of you,

Fallingstar

[[lo...]]

colley; is your depression 24/7? i still have some here and there, but it is lifting....

have you tried to up your omega3's and change your diet? I find that paelo/low carb/atkins does very good to me in w/d.

any other meds you still on?

 

Thanks Locust - tried SJW but no luck there.

 

Thans T - Ya it's the last thing I want to do but major depression untreated isn't safe I don't think. When you feel hopeless for too long, that can be an end in itself.

 

So, I still don't know what I'm going to do but there's no way I'm going another year or so in this state. I'll have to do something.

[[gg...]]

I hope it's OK I post on this board even though like fallingstar I am not 6 months out. only 4.5 months out. Teegirl and Colley you both had the same short-term use that I did and are suffering badly like me too so I have been following your posts and hoping for your healing. There are only a few who only took benzos for 2 months or so and ended up here, it seems unreal and I am still struggling with denial that this could have happened to me.

I am feeling better than my first month and sleep and windows have increased, but the depression and feeling like this is going to last a really long time have hit hard this month and I don't know how to go on.

Thanks for posting often and helping know I'm not alone in this. I'm surely going to feel this way in at 6 months so I might as well chime in and follow this thread now if you all don't mind.

 

[[co...]]

Yep... depression is not going away. It's just this constant feeling of dread and despair... mostly in the morning that lasts throughout the day. I get a little better at night. A lot of it is from boredom. I'm home most days without much to do. Afternoons are the worst. Then I lay down for a bit because I'm tired or fatigued and then it gets 10 times worse. So I'll frantically get up after an hour and try to do something / distract. Last week I literally almost died because I spent 4 days in bed feeling like this. It wasn't until the weekend that I had some relief. It's almost like, "Well I have nothing to do all week except deal with my symptoms and try to entertain myself during the day so I'll just think about all the worst things I could possibly think about because I'm feeling so terrible".

 

I really don't know what's going on at this point. I exercise usually daily at a gym, I eat well, I take Fish Oil (high DHA), B6, B12, Gingko, and a multi every other day.

 

I believe most of the problem is because I so desperately want to be working again and back to social interaction and feeling good about myself. All of my friends and family are mostly working and I'm sitting at home picking my butt watching my life pass me by. Thinking about how bad my symptoms are and how hopeless this situation has become. But as soon as that ends, unless it's at night, everything comes back full force.

 

The doc gave me 10 mg of Nortriptyline for head pain. I think it helps a little but I probably need to take more for an AD effect.

9 months though?! Like I should at least be functional at this point with consistent manageable symptoms. Maybe I'm not pushing myself hard enough... I don't know. I feel like I've stuck myself in this mental loop of depression and all of it's symptoms. But they seem pretty real; sadness, despair, anxiety, rage / anger / frustration, guilt, low-self esteem.... like I think I have all of this sh*t now. When I never really had much of that when I was working 2 years ago... maybe some anxiety (situational not every day like now), and probably a little bit of depression (but not suicidal thoughts or anything). And I didn't really have time to think about that stuff nor did I really know what any of it was.

 

I think I'm just at a point where it's like enough is enough. I can't do this much longer and if it doesn't subside soon I'm gong to completely lose it.

 

 

[[Kl...]]

Hey Colley, just curious, are your symptoms all mental or are you having physical stuff as well? Not sure if I asked you that before, if so I apologize.

 

 

[[co...]]

Pretty much all mental but I have some weird physical head pain, Tinnitus, and some tingling. Fatigue as a result of all of the mental symptoms I believe.

[[Kl...]]

It's a very tiring experience for sure. I'm getting fatigue at times too. Just trying to ramp up my workouts a bit now to hopefully get the energy levels back soon.

 

Hope the mental stuff clears for you soon, it's a hard place to be, I can relate