Permanent Benzo Damage? This Is Not Fun

[[cu...]]

Yeah, about 3 months is window time. I'm 16 weeks out and having major relief...just some obsessive thinking and minor fogginess.

 

Mikey that floaty head you have is probably depersonalization...a detached feeling. It goes away!! Mine did!

[[Ja...]]

Don't buy into that stuff MIKEY.

 

You will get better eventually. All of us will. Just keep that in your head always 

[[ic...]]

Yes, stop reading that stuff.

 

W/D causes severe anxiety as it is, making us feel very vulnerable. Reading negative info isn't going to help you - don't you want to help yourself? I mean if you had a friend going through this, would you show him/her that stuff? Probably not, so why not treat yourself the way you would treat someone else. Be kind and encouraging to yourself instead of destructive.

 

Put it away and focus on how far you have come in your taper instead, and that one day soon it will all be over. Don't forget why you are doing this.

 

 

[[cu...]]

Mikey,

 

Not only are you hurting yourself by reading this crap, you are causing others who are highly sensitive to these kinds of ideals undue anxiety and worry.

 

Please don't post stuff like this, it's nonsense..you should know by now from those that have recovered!

[[...]]

 

It is really nonsense....while i don't doubt there may be a handful of people that have somehow had long, long recoveries..I would guess in most of those cases...there were other drugs involved...and had high doses involved....

 

The fact is..those of us here...whether we want to admit it or not....are the exception to the "rule".....while I think the amount of people that are "exceptions" to this rule is way under estimated by the medical profession..we have to remember there are millions of people on benzos...and many get off without significant problem..much less permanent damage....

 

I am not telling you the road to recovery will be easy....no one here had it easy....if they did..they wouldn't be here...posting.....many of us have had the same symptoms....that you have.....I am four days off Mikey..and I had alot of the symptoms you had....and the only remaining symptoms I have are a minor eyelid twich and a little bit of electric feeling around my eyes...technically, I guess this is one symptom....because it seems to be related.....I went through a period of 8 weeks Mikey..where I did not sleep one wink at night time...and tried to sleep when I could during the day...I am not trying to diminish what you are going through..because trust me, I believe every word you type...but we all are going through this man..and many have gone through it..and recovered....you will too...

 

TC

 

 

[[cu...]]

I agree, TC.....anything taken in excess can possibly cause permanent damage to any organ or kill: Too much vitamin A will kill you, too much iron can kill you, too much WATER can kill you...even pure oxygen causes brain damage. All these very helpful nutrients that are in nearly everything we come in contact with or eat can really hurt us if we get too much for too long.

[[mi...]]

I agree, TC.....anything taken in excess can possibly cause permanent damage to any organ or kill: Too much vitamin A will kill you, too much iron can kill you, too much WATER can kill you...even pure oxygen causes brain damage. All these very helpful nutrients that are in nearly everything we come in contact with or eat can really hurt us if we get too much for too long.

 

 

very sorry for posting it i will not post anymore stupid i can delete this my brain is way off i am sorry for scaring people i dont know what to do  how to enjoy my life anymore i feel worse everyday... i go outside and i feel like falling my moods are all over i cant even see on the screen that well i dwell to people if i will be okay everyday

if i am going to live only jesus knows i am not going to post no more until i feel well but my obsessive thinking is hell 

[[mi...]]

all i know that the hospital destroyed my brain and the workers over there i know i have permanent damage i have this pressure in the head once i get pressed i feeling like passing out... and i get in deep psychosis.

i have no clue what to do anymore.. yesterday i had severe hallucations... it wouldn't stop.... i can't sleep good anymore i need someone help i am going to write a letter to heather asthon in england maybe she will listen have no clue i love bb and i will continue to tell you my problems i need to get healthy but i feel -100% this pure hell

[[...]]

Mikey,

 

We all want you to get better..we really do..the thing that bothers me is you seem to think no one else is going through symptoms and we are all just sitting here having fun on the computer....about 90 to 95 percent of the people posting you are going through similar symptoms to you..many have dealt with worse too......and the remaining 5 to 10 percent have dealt with this hell....and healed..and have been kind enough to stay here and help others...

 

Sometimes it is good to reach out to some other buddies...who are hurting as well..you may find they are going through exactly the same symptoms you are...until I got here..I had no idea..I thought I must be the only one...going through this...but I found out not only was I not the only one..but some people had the same exact symptoms that I do...

 

This is the toughest thing many of us have ever had to do....we understand how tough it is..I am five days free of benzos Mikey..and I have a couple symptoms....I may pick up new ones as the medication leaves my body..but I can say I don't ever have to take that crap again...and when this is all over and I can tell you I am 100 percent healed....I know it will be all worth it...

 

Cupcake has been through this...she has been off benzos for over three months..and it appears like she may be 100 percent..or this close () to it...I guarantee you, she didn't have an easy time of it either man...

 

You will beat this...because you want to win....you have the desire to win....it sucks that this is the toughest fight many of us have yet to face..and none of us deserved what we got with this stuff....all we can do is move on...win...and never look back....it will probably make life's future challenges a little more bearable...

 

TC

[[su...]]

mikey please stay strong , I think you are making some progress.

[[...]]

mikey please stay strong , I think you are making some progress.

 

Sundazed just made a great point..that a lot of us overlook when we are in this middle of tapering..look who far you have come man..I know you feel bad....but look at the dosage you are on now..compared to where you were..major victory!

 

 

TC

[[cu...]]

all i know that the hospital destroyed my brain and the workers over there i know i have permanent damage i have this pressure in the head once i get pressed i feeling like passing out... and i get in deep psychosis.

i have no clue what to do anymore.. yesterday i had severe hallucations... it wouldn't stop.... i can't sleep good anymore i need someone help i am going to write a letter to heather asthon in england maybe she will listen have no clue i love bb and i will continue to tell you my problems i need to get healthy but i feel -100% this pure hell

 

Mikey,

 

I think you have made some progress since you first came here. I notice your wording is more detailed, like you have your brain back, you seem calmer too, not so desperate!!  Listen, I'm 16 weeks off and yesterday was the first day in 5 months that I have felt normal. I didn't think I was ever gonna be the same but I was wrong...and if you think you are permanently damaged then you are too.

[[zi...]]

Mikey you are doing well man.. Man do I feel your pain and went through all that junk too.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy..  I still have bad flare ups and bad social anxiety or alone anxiety for that matter.  My sleeping seemed to go too when I was sleeping like 18 hours a day to now 3 hours.  Everyday is slow progress, but it is progress and you will start feeling more like yourself.  It's tough man and no one ever said it would be easy, but it does make you stronger.  Hang in there bro.  I know you'll make it!

 

Ziggy

[[...]]

very sorry for posting it i will not post anymore stupid i can delete this my brain is way off i am sorry for scaring people i dont know what to do  how to enjoy my life anymore i feel worse everyday... i go outside and i feel like falling my moods are all over i cant even see on the screen that well i dwell to people if i will be okay everyday

if i am going to live only jesus knows i am not going to post no more until i feel well but my obsessive thinking is hell  

 

Dear Mikey-I have read your blog this morning and don't often post in this area of the forum but am concerned as I don't think it's fair at all to let you think your full of nonsense and leave you feeling sorry for having posted your fears and concerns.

 

Almost ALL of us go through periods of irrational thought during the Benzo journey, this part is true from my own experience in having walked it with a whole lot of other people/friends on THIS very forum. However- what hurt me the most was when the people in my life during the part of the journey where I was feeling the same things and researching the same things as you now are would tell me it was nonsense or to "dry my tears and suck it up basically". Perhaps if I'd been more on top of it and NOT allowed my thoughts to go unchecked I would have saved myself allot of grief later on Mikey.  

 

Your thoughts, worries and fears are no different then one's I've seen before in my own experience here on BB and they do not pose irrational fears in others IMO. There are allot of us who experience these things and while folks here in your blog are trying to support and be kind to you I think that perhaps sometimes we forget what I feel this site and it's owner Colin have always maintained and ask us to remember, the reality that we are not doctors or professionals and it's ALWAYS a good idea to get things checked out by medical professionals even if it takes multiple visits for multiple symptoms and concerns. We only know from behind computer screens what we read which IMO means it's NEVER OK for us to call you or anyone else here irrational with RE to symptoms or fears.

 

Mikey- If I were in your shoes and yes from where I sit (behind a computer screen) I can relate to your suffering, I would find a primary care provider if you don't already have one and get ALL things checked out.   From the many posts I've read and forums I belong to it seems quite important to be certain ALL vitamin levels including B and D are checked as well as thyroid and para thyroid levels.   The neurological symptoms you feel can from my own experience, and that of many friends of mine on forums, be long lasting but so far in my own personal experience there have been many improvements along the way and I have no reason to think that I won't eventually heal to a much higher degree then I currently see.  

 

Of note- I am a NON drinker have NEVER done other drugs, was on stomach/acid reflux medication and was on a short trial of other psych meds (very short term) in the start of my own benzo journey and yes I was on a high dose of Ativan for a long time but NOT everyone I've met here and on other forums were on high doses or long term and yet SEVERAL of them have experienced longer battles with recovery. They DO seem to improve with time and I try to hold onto the idea that just like them I will also improve as will you,   but that it may take longer then some of the very kind people who have posted you here in your blog.

 

Please know you are NOT alone and NEVER be sorry for posting your fears and concerns on Support forum.  

 

Your fellow Buddie

 

Jan THE KID

 

[[...]]

Kid,

 

Hey Buddie.  I think if you read through the entire thread...you will see there have been a handfull of us here...trying to helping Mikey through this..and one of of Mikey's biggest issues was he was reading things and people were telling him things that aren't true....and making him feel like he was permanently damaged...I think there was some stuff deleted from this thread....that was from various websites that might be considered not entirely truthful....and that info really was hurting Mikey's ability to move forward with his taper and realize that all this suffering would end in him feeling better..

 

I don't think anyone was saying Mikey was full of it.....just the "research" he was quoting...and you know how it is when we first start WD we believe everything...we read....and we can over analyze everything...I know I sure did....and when I got here....people like you told me NOT to read this stuff....you told me don't get all mixed up with the bad stuff out there that says we won't heal....and I listened to you..and while my withdrawal hasn't been fun, you were right....exploring all that bad stuff over and over just made things worse..and when I decided to ignore it the best I could..it sure helped me focus on getting better.....I will admit I still look at that stuff sometimes...because I still want answers NOW Don't we all?

 

I think because some stuff looks like it was deleted that you thought people were taking shots at Mikey..they were just telling hiim not to believe the stuff he was posting..and trust me, if you had read it..you would have told him that stuff wasn't true either....and that what he was going through was normal for benzo wthdrawal..and while it may last way longer than any of us deserve that he will get better..what we basically are saying over and over to Mikey is to look to people like you, and the other people that have made it through this..rather than focusing on the "you can't do this" stuff.....so I think you if you read the whole thread, you will see everyone really agrees....and cares about Mikey......I have told Mikey that he reminds me of me...when I arrived here late last summer....and that if I can do this anyone can...and I learned I could do it because you guys told me I could.....and I learned more from you guys than I ever did searching the internet for answers...sometimes it is hard to pick up emotion by just reading the words on the screen...but trust me...we all want Mikey to feel better..   And Mikey is going to make it.....he is one tough dude...

 

TC

 

 

 

 

 

[[...]]

i am one of those people that get terrified by seeing what some people post on here as fact.  this is the only site i come to because it gives me hope that healing does happen.  i intentionally stay away from the scary stuff out there.  i agree with TC, people need to protect those of us that are vulnerable right now. 

 

and mikey, i support you and know what you are saying is legit because i've been experiencing it, too.  you aren't crazy, w/d from these drugs causes us to feel like we're losing it.  the only thing i can tell you is to slowly taper from all the meds and stay the course and at some point in time you will gradually notice improvement.

[[zi...]]

Everyone here makes sense and I think it's all great that we have a place to get help from others who are going through this without having to worry about being scared or rejected.  I am pretty sure Mikey understands that now and I would hate for him to be worried about not posting again because he truly does need everyone's help and encouragement at this stage in the game as do we.

 

Mikey:  Let us know how you are doing and hang in there man.  I felt the same way you did during this stage, probably even worse.  I felt that my pillow made a good punching bag as I didn't hurt myself or anyone else when I would get fed up.  I remembered I yelled out loud to God while filled with tears when I was in solitude.  Its a very scary and lonely place.  You are normal and not insane even though it feels like it.  I know this because I can hear your voice still fighting and acknowledging this fact.  It will get better and know that you will return back to the caring young son that you were before all of this happened.

 

Stay the course and keep in contact!

 

Ziggy

[[mi...]]

Happy 4Th everyone

 

I Got a Problem My Left Eye Is Twiching So Badly

 

Can Someone Please Explain How a Seizure Feels Like Because Today I Was Scared I Am Going To Get One...

 

I Am Seeing Weird Lights, And I Feel So Dazed And Confused....

 

I Need Some Answers Please... Please...

[[zi...]]

Happy 4th Mikey

 

Mikey your not in danger of having a seizure if you have no history of one, or have not messed with your dosage and obviously you can't be drinking either.  I had the eye twitching thing too and then one eye got so bad that it almost closed up because of a pink eye type thing, but went away. It's muscle twitching and it sux but does go away.  It takes awhile for it to go away and won't happen until after you are off benzos.  Your mind and body can't heal until you are benzo free.  Your brain is super confused right now and doesn't know the difference between up, down, left, or right.  It keeps testing all the limits of each dimension until it can recalibrate itself.

 

If you had seizure you would have big bruises on you and would most likely have bitten your tongue.  Plus it would show up on an MRI.  You also seem to be having cog fog which is a normal symptom.  It comes and goes.

 

Again, none of these symptoms will go away until you can start healing.  Healing doesn't begin until you are benzo free and can take 3 months to a year to fully heal after your last benzo dose.  Everyone seems to heal differently.

 

Ziggy

[[cu...]]

Happy 4th Mikey!

 

Don't worry about having a seizure. I have a history of them, and I tapered off real quick, and didn't have one...so I KNOW you don't have to worry about it!!

 

Sounds like you have some brain fog, I have it off and on here lately. It's the only symptom that bothers me, aside from the occasional fear. It will go, trust me!

 

Mikey, please don't feel we weren't being supportive of you, and we certainly don't feel you are full of nonsense. It's just the stuff you posted off the net (that you deleted) was nonsense and it scares people...

 

It's certainly normal to have fears, it's part of the withdrawal process that you are in. I still have them sometimes, and I still have doubts but I know they are unfounded.

 

We love you Mikey. Your like a little brother to me. 

[[zi...]]

Mikey!  Look what I found in Heather Ashton's manual!!!

 

Muscle symptoms. Benzodiazepines are efficient muscle relaxants and are used clinically for spastic conditions ranging from spinal cord disease or injury to the excruciating muscle spasms of tetanus or rabies. It is therefore not surprising that their discontinuation after long-term use is associated with a rebound increase in muscle tension. This rebound accounts for many of the symptoms observed in benzodiazepine withdrawal. Muscle stiffness affecting the limbs, back, neck and jaw are commonly reported, and the constant muscle tension probably accounts for the muscle pains which have a similar distribution. Headaches are usually of the "tension headache" type, due to contraction of muscles at the back of the neck, scalp and forehead - often described as a "tight band around the head". Pain in the jaw and teeth is probably due to involuntary jaw clenching, which often occurs unconsciously during sleep.

 

At the same time, the nerves to the muscles are hyperexcitable, leading to tremor, tics, jerks, spasm and twitching, and jumping at the smallest stimulus. All this constant activity contributes to a feeling of fatigue and weakness ("jelly-legs"). In addition, the muscles, especially the small muscles of the eye, are not well co-ordinated, which may lead to blurred or double vision or even eyelid spasms (blepharospasm).

 

None of these symptoms is harmful, and they need not be a cause of worry once they are understood. The muscle pain and stiffness is actually little different from what is regarded as normal after an unaccustomed bout of exercise, and would be positively expected, even by a well-trained athlete, after running a marathon.

 

There are many measures that will alleviate these symptoms, such as muscle stretching exercises as taught in most gyms, moderate exercise, hot baths, massage and general relaxation exercises. Such measures may give only temporary relief at first, but if practised regularly can speed the recovery of normal muscle tone - which will eventually occur spontaneously.

 

The Key phrase:  In addition, the muscles, especially the small muscles of the eye, are not well co-ordinated, which may lead to blurred or double vision or even eyelid spasms (blepharospasm).

 

It's all normal, you will be fine

 

Ziggy

[[cu...]]

Well that explains why I had blurry vision for so long! It looked like I had water in my eyes for a long time.

[[pa...]]

The eye twitching could be withdrawal, could be stress. My husbands eye twitched nonstop for 3 days, no benzos but a huge amount of stress. I have really sensitive eyes too, I get flashes or big black spots if anythings too bright, I also have bad floaters. Kind of looks like small round fluid sacks or something like that.

When I fall asleep, I really fall asleep. But that type of sleep I never wake up feeling refreshed or rested. It's odd.

Obsessive thoughts are horrible. I thought I had them bad with benzos, well my other medication have caused impossible ones. There is no way for me to let go of them because I have tried, I've tried every trick that I've learned and they are still constantly there. And they scare the hell out of me. But my husband taped little notes on all the walls in our house, encouraging " it will get better- it's your meds etc" notes that I can look at and remind myself that this isnt me, that chances are its my meds. Maybe that could help?

One of my scariest symptoms is the same as yours. I'd be in the car going through the town I've lived for 13 years, I lived in the connecting town before and was always around the area and it wasnt familiar AT ALL. Everything looked very weird, I felt lost. My home as well. I've huddled down into my living room, some reason I KNOW this room but even walking through the rest of our house I feel like I'm in the wrong place. My memory is also mush. I lose everything. I forget something 2 seconds after they told me. Short term memory is completely shot.

I finished my benzo taper in Oct 08. It was rough but I got through it. Now I'm finishing my last med and it's horrendous. I fear everyday that this is permanent, I research all the time, I've lost 16lbs in 3 weeks (which was desperately needed but not the way I wanted it done), I think I'll never be that happy, fun, energetic person that I used to be. But theres no concrete proof of it. After being here for quite a while I believe that we can heal fully, in time and with patience. But the fears always there and until the day comes that YOU are healed its not very believable. I'm in the same spot.

And if you have any doubts that something else is wrong get completely checked out. Get a physical, get labs done testing for everything. Get your vit levels checked, lyme, anything. Get a ct, mri etc. I did. If everything comes back fine you can let go of it and concentrate on withdrawal.

Keep updating, share what your going through. Hang tough

Amanda

We all understand, we have gone through withdrawal but we havent gone through YOURS. We are unique. We can all have the same symptoms but the severity will be different in one then the other.

[[zi...]]

The eye twitching could be withdrawal, could be stress. My husbands eye twitched nonstop for 3 days, no benzos but a huge amount of stress.

 

Your body and mind is under complete STRESS, this is why we get the eye twitching.  Normal people get it under day to day stress - I know I did.

 

I have really sensitive eyes too, I get flashes or big black spots if anythings too bright, I also have bad floaters. Kind of looks like small round fluid sacks or something like that.

 

Professor Ashton states: A characteristic feature of benzodiazepine withdrawal is a heightened sensitivity to all sensations - hearing, sight, touch, taste and smell. When extreme, these sensations can be disturbing.

 

When I fall asleep, I really fall asleep. But that type of sleep I never wake up feeling refreshed or rested. It's odd.

 

Not odd- Professor Ashton states the following: Benzodiazepines inhibit both dreaming sleep (rapid eye movement sleep, REMS) and deep sleep (slow wave sleep, SWS). The extra sleep time that benzodiazepines provide is spent mainly in light sleep, termed Stage 2 sleep. REM and SWS are the two most important stages of sleep and are essential to health. Sleep deprivation studies show that any deficit is quickly made up by a rebound to above normal levels as soon as circumstances permit.

 

Everything you state is all in her manual.  Try not to freak out to much... Know that you know that you will be fine and you will be.  You are what you think, so let's retrain our brains the right way! With encouragement and understanding.

 

Ziggy

[[pa...]]

I'm not in benzo withdrawal anymore, now lamictal. And I've read the manual many times but just because its written in there doesnt stop the fear. Anxious minds are not rational. Anxiety is a big part of withdrawal for many people. Just because I feel the same thing doesnt mean that mikey will believe it's normal just as I wont necessarily take Ashtons word as fact. We have to experience healing OURSELVES in order to 100% fully believe it.