Permanent Benzo Damage? This Is Not Fun

[[mi...]]

Plus Cupcake This Deep Sleep Is Scaring Me

 

I Scared Of A Seizure I Dont Know What To Do If I Have One And I am By Myself..

 

These Obsessive Thinking Is Getting Worse. Memory Is Getting Worse As Well

[[ic...]]

I'm not sure why you would question or be afraid of a good deep sleep!

[[cu...]]

 

Deep sleep is when the brain heals Mikey. Get as much as of that sleep as you can. Some days I sleep 11 hours.

[[mi...]]

I'm not sure why you would question or be afraid of a good deep sleep!

 

 

I Just Worry About This Odd Sleep

 

I Sleep For 8 Hours Then I Get This Pressure In The Head Once Again I Feel Like Sleeping

 

Its Weird...

[[mi...]]

Every Time I Close My Eyes I Get See Weird Stuff Images I Dont Know What To Do With That....

[[ic...]]

When I was in w/d waking up was a weird time for me too. I had lots of congestion and always, ALWAYS a massive headache upon waking. Weird obsessive thoughts as well. All I can tell you is that I think its normal - have some faith man! Getting out of bed right away and getting on with the day helps ALOT, try it and see if it makes a difference to you.

 

Where are you with your taper?

 

Best,

icandothis

[[Ju...]]

Hi Mikey,

 

I just wanted to let you know I can relate to some of what you wrote and I am pretty scared right now too.  I had basically gone cold turkey off of 3 mg klonopin in June 2009.  I went through all kinds of horrible symptoms I had months where I hardly slept at all. My heart rate was chronically 90-100, my blood pressure was up to 150/100.  I kept getting this pressure in my head, like I was hanging upside down. I was so worried I was going to stroke out or something.  For the first couple of months I could hardly move, my entire body felt like lead.  I developed this painful pressure in my ears. I felt like someone was stepping on my throat 24/7 and my chest was in a vice. I couldn't handle just being in my own skin.

 

The only thing that kept me going was reading many of the posts I read here and I kept telling myself this is only temporary and it will pass, because this is the effect of the withdrawal.  As the months went on slowly I noticed I still felt intensely agitated, but I could actually handle being inside my own skin.  I began to get interested little by little in certain things again outside of my own little world of agony. I slowly started to try and read a novel, and really could only read a few pages per day. At first it was everything I could do to read just one page. Then I started playing some video games a little bit - I had tried prior to this but I just couldn't focus/concentrate/get any enjoyment out of them.

 

After about 9 months the throat tightness had eased, the overall feeling of agony had eased, and the pressure in my chest had gone away. However, I was still dealing with pressure in my head and ears, but it wasn't there 24/7 anymore.

 

It was about this time I started to interact with people a bit more, and this is where things took a turn for the worst for me.  I started to realize my social anxiety felt a lot more like paranoia.  I began to question all sorts of things like: How do I know I can trust my perceptions? What if I were to hurt someone because my mind told me they were getting ready to attack me? Can I trust my perceptions?

 

Also, did I mention at any point that at some point during all this I smashed my head into the wall as hard as I could about a dozen times and then started punching myself in the head. Please, whatever you do no matter how much you feel that horrible neurotic energy inside, don't do that.  You don't need your head to heal any more damage than it already has to. Don't repeat my mistake.

 

Anyways, my room mate back in march got really pissed at me for something that I still don't understand.  She has her own issues too. This was something I really couldn't handle.  You see for some reason at this time I would take on other peoples anger and it caused me so much agony.  At first I tried to convince myself not to focus on it and just let her be mad, but my brain wasn't having it. I couldn't help but to take on her anger and it made me so revved up and angry that I couldnt sleep for two days and I couldn't calm down.

 

So....then I wound up in the psych ward, I was basically in a state of what I would call panic attack lite. Basically a panic attack that just plateaued and wouldn't end.  They put me back on about 1mg of clonazepam and it seemed to work ok for a few days, but then I really wasnt feeling it at all.  It was at this point I started really freaking out because when I would try to go to sleep at night I would hear voices, I felt this really dark fear like something was looming over me, and during the day I kept experiencing such intense bouts of derealization.  I only experienced this stuff once I was put back on the low dose of clonazepam.  I was so afraid I was one step away from schizophrenia and was horribly afraid I was going to start hearing voices during the day.  My thoughts kept looping, and when I would try to break the looping thoughts I got these other thoughts that almost weren't quite my primary 'thought voice' if that makes any sense. This had me really freaked out, it was like if I didnt allow my conscious thoughts to loop then my sub conscious decided to force it upon me.  So I couldnt directly hear these thoughts, but felt like they were forced upon me.  Keep in mind I didn't deal with any of this until being in the psych ward and re-administering the clonazepam.

 

I definitely couldn't handle any of this and so went running back to the benzos and had my clonazepam dose raised back to the 3mg of clonazepam it was at prior to June 2009.  Well, guess what it still wasnt the same either...although everything that made me feel like a schizophrenic went away (hurray I wasn't schizophrenic after all) I was dealing with other things. I started experiencing headaches and full body ache, like I had the flu.  So...now, I too get to start this process all over again.

 

I found a doctor that wants to get me off of the benzodiazepines, but he just switched me over to xanax XR 2mg during the day, which feels like it is hardly doing anything. In fact for a few days I felt like my insides were being fried. I'm having trouble breathing again and today I could hardly get myself to eat and I felt like I could hardly think straight. I did a lot of shaking today and before deciding to write this I just got done with a horrible depressive crying episode.  Basically I was having the feeling of 'I cant do this again, when will this ever end, I just want this to be over, I'll never be the same person I once was'

 

Trust me your not alone, but it does get better.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I've been there once and we can get there.  This time I just know I have to be really careful about what kind of stimulus I expose myself to, because it isn't stress that throws me over the edge its really basically just too much stimulus.  The strange thing is though, when I was re-administered the clonazepam at the low dose, even though I felt better for the first few days I felt much worse on the low dose then I did on nothing at all.  But a lot was changing too at this point after getting out of the psych ward.  But were in this together and we can do this...oh ya and I developed a real hyper sensitivity to sounds too.  For a while I was wearing ear plugs all the time but eventually was able to not be so sound sensitive.  But I guess I'll get to go through this again now :-(

 

One thing I would suggest you look into though is to make sure the other medications you are currently on aren't aggravating symptoms.  For a while (when I wasn't on any benzos) a psych put me on lamictal and for about 2 months my anxiety was so bad, I couldnt sleep at all, and I felt like I had 24/7 adrenaline surges.  I thought it was the withdrawal, but it was the lamictal.

 

My plan right now is to basically get as stable as possible even if that means using benzodiazepines (although, I wont go above 3mg equivalent of clonazepam) then Im going to add an SSRI to it and wait for it to start working, and then try a real gradual dose reduction hopefully by convincing my doc to use the method outlined in the ashton manual. This time I'll probably take a year to taper down.

 

I hope some of this has helped, I know that even though right this second my only symptom is my head hurting I'm in for a real rough road ahead, but the both of us will get through this and one day be benzo free...and feel good. But, whatever you do you just cant give in to the pain and fear. I also don't think it would be such a horrible thing if you needed to go back to a higher dose of benzodiazepine just to get stable and then try tapering again, but maybe a bit more slowly, because if I read your sig right you went really fast.  Remember this isn't a race.

 

Take care and know your not in this alone,

 

Justin

[[Ju...]]

Also, looking at your sig, it looks like your last cut was .95mg clonazepam? ...and now your on .5mg clonazepam? That would explain why you dont feel it working.

[[mi...]]

there is a huge problem i feel 7 lumps in my head and im scared i have a tumor these hallucations are killing me the obsessive thinking negative is hurting my chance to live i dont what else to do i am going insane

 

i need to know how does  a seizure feel like because i am feeling weird i almost passout in my own house

 

 

WHEN I GET UP I HAVE THIS PRESSURE THE BRAIN AND I WALKING WEIRD MY BALANCE IS OFF I DONT WANT TO

 

DIE EARLY BECAUSE EVERYDAY SINCE THE HOSPITAL IT BECAME WORSE THEY WERE FEEDING ME PILLS I AM SO

 

WORRIED THAT I AM GOING TO LOSE EVERYONE!

[[zi...]]

Mikey,

 

I went through the same thing and it does pass.  I have the lumps in my head that come and go and my HAT size actually increased.  For some reason any doctor you go to has absolutely no idea what we are talking about and usually things we are insane.  Your not!

 

How much Klonopin and Gabapentin are you on now?  It takes a pretty big jump from like 2 or 3mg of Klonopin to have a seizure.  If I was able to taper down from 4mg of Xanax and 3mg of Klonopin without a seizure in 57 days and also have a history of seizures in my family then I highly doubt that you are going to have a seizure.  The reason you are feeling like passing out is because your blood pressure and pulse are all over the place.  I believe this is what is causing your head to have this pressure too.  I still have it to this day, though not as intense.  I felt like I was walking on the moon, though I had so much pressure put on top of me it actually felt like I was in deep sea walking on the bottom of a 1500 ft ocean crevice.  This is part of the detachment that happens with the withdrawal.  The brain and body are going through so much stress that they literally separate while they both heal independently.  I also feared death every second of every day and felt like the entire world had this evil plan against me.  My paranoia was intense, that I thought people were plotting to kill me.  This is because our GABA, the part of the brain that controls our fight or flight responses are so out of whack.  I also felt my brain moving and vibrating, and was intense.  The only thing that kept me somewhat sane was going to the gym for 2-3 hours a day and working out, using the elliptical machine, and sitting in a sauna and steam room.  This helped me sweat out all of the extra water that I was holding in as well as get rid of the toxins.  It also helped to relieve the heavy head and pressure build-up for the rest of the day, so I attempted to go in the morning.

 

Remember that the difference between a sane and an insane person is that an insane person cannot tell you that they are insane.  You acknowledge it, thus you are not insane!  Keep the little voice called your soul close to you because it will guide you through the storm of this battle you are going through.  This little voice lets you know to not be afraid and to embrace what you are going through.  Without this voice you would be insane.  So for you to say you think you are going insane means that you acknowledge what you are going through is not normal and that you wouldn't act on the things that are going through your head.  I know I needed a lot of personal space and too much talking, or interaction, or sound from other people gave me a huge surge of adrenaline because I was ready to fight or flight.  You DON'T want to fight, so your best option is to go into a dark room and listen to some meditation music with your doggy.  You will let out a lot of tears in this stage, so don't be embarrassed, it is just the bodies natural response to letting go of the extra adrenaline that isn't being used.  To other people not going through this crap, when you get up and leave or walk away this can be seen as rude; so let your parents, siblings, and friends know that you are going through a hard time and when you walk away to please not take offense to it.  You want to keep all of the relationships you have intact and be as nice as you can because you will want them in your life after you are through this storm. 

 

If you ever need to talk or need some good meditation music don't be afraid to PM me and we can chat online or offline.

 

Be safe and say hi to Buddha for me when you meet him, because you are very close to being in that state of mind.  I am not joking about meeting him, and many people study and strive for it most of their life.  What you have is a gift to be able to detach from emotional and physical harm and pain; so the more you learn to control it and use it to your benefit during this stage the better off you are.

 

Ziggy

[[mi...]]

Mikey,

 

I went through the same thing and it does pass.  I have the lumps in my head that come and go and my HAT size actually increased.  For some reason any doctor you go to has absolutely no idea what we are talking about and usually things we are insane.  Your not!

 

How much Klonopin and Gabapentin are you on now?  It takes a pretty big jump from like 2 or 3mg of Klonopin to have a seizure.  If I was able to taper down from 4mg of Xanax and 3mg of Klonopin without a seizure in 57 days and also have a history of seizures in my family then I highly doubt that you are going to have a seizure.  The reason you are feeling like passing out is because your blood pressure and pulse are all over the place.  I believe this is what is causing your head to have this pressure too.  I still have it to this day, though not as intense.  I felt like I was walking on the moon, though I had so much pressure put on top of me it actually felt like I was in deep sea walking on the bottom of a 1500 ft ocean crevice.  This is part of the detachment that happens with the withdrawal.  The brain and body are going through so much stress that they literally separate while they both heal independently.  I also feared death every second of every day and felt like the entire world had this evil plan against me.  My paranoia was intense, that I thought people were plotting to kill me.  This is because our GABA, the part of the brain that controls our fight or flight responses are so out of whack.  I also felt my brain moving and vibrating, and was intense.  The only thing that kept me somewhat sane was going to the gym for 2-3 hours a day and working out, using the elliptical machine, and sitting in a sauna and steam room.  This helped me sweat out all of the extra water that I was holding in as well as get rid of the toxins.  It also helped to relieve the heavy head and pressure build-up for the rest of the day, so I attempted to go in the morning.

 

Remember that the difference between a sane and an insane person is that an insane person cannot tell you that they are insane.  You acknowledge it, thus you are not insane!  Keep the little voice called your soul close to you because it will guide you through the storm of this battle you are going through.  This little voice lets you know to not be afraid and to embrace what you are going through.  Without this voice you would be insane.  So for you to say you think you are going insane means that you acknowledge what you are going through is not normal and that you wouldn't act on the things that are going through your head.  I know I needed a lot of personal space and too much talking, or interaction, or sound from other people gave me a huge surge of adrenaline because I was ready to fight or flight.  You DON'T want to fight, so your best option is to go into a dark room and listen to some meditation music with your doggy.  You will let out a lot of tears in this stage, so don't be embarrassed, it is just the bodies natural response to letting go of the extra adrenaline that isn't being used.  To other people not going through this crap, when you get up and leave or walk away this can be seen as rude; so let your parents, siblings, and friends know that you are going through a hard time and when you walk away to please not take offense to it.  You want to keep all of the relationships you have intact and be as nice as you can because you will want them in your life after you are through this storm. 

 

If you ever need to talk or need some good meditation music don't be afraid to PM me and we can chat online or offline.

 

Be safe and say hi to Buddha for me when you meet him, because you are very close to being in that state of mind.  I am not joking about meeting him, and many people study and strive for it most of their life.  What you have is a gift to be able to detach from emotional and physical harm and pain; so the more you learn to control it and use it to your benefit during this stage the better off you are.

 

Ziggy

 

 

Another thing i can not gain weight and it makes me sick i look so young i want to look like a 28 year old

 

i eat and eat and still nothing i weigh 148lb...

[[mi...]]

ziggy and justin thanks for the good words...

 

 

[[su...]]

you should know that weight loss is typical in the process of withdrawing from the benzodiazepines

I have lost around 5 pounds so far.

 

 

[[zi...]]

Mikey,

 

I went into Detox weighing 195lbs and then dropped to like 170lbs and ate 5 servings of oatmeal for breakfast, a pound of turkey for lunch, and a dinner for 5 and still kept dropping weight.  It was insane, and couldn't figure it out.  I also ate a ton of ice cream to try and put some weight on, but no luck.  Then about 2 months after being off all the junk I start putting on weight and went from 170lbs to 220lbs in 1.5 months.  It was crazy, and now I am trying to lose weight.  I'm 6'5" and my average weight has always been 195lbs.  The reason you are losing weight is pretty simple- your entire system is in overdrive trying to figure out how to heal as quickly as possible.  Every single organ in your body is affected, even your skin.  You may even get really oily skin, sweating, and even quicker hair growth.  I believe this is all do to the adrenal gland pumping faster than it normally would to keep up with your rapidly changing state.  The body is protecting itself, and this is good because more oil means that your skin won't age so quickly.  Though quicker hair growth for me resulting in gray hairs popping out.  YEY!  Hang in there bud, it will soon reverse itself and go the other way and you will then get a chance to use your own mind to regulate your body to where it needs to be.

 

Ziggy

[[lp...]]

I lost alot of weight too and i'm a 28 year old girl.....you'll gain it back once your off this poison.....

[[...]]

 

Mikey,

 

Ziggy just gave a pretty good explantion of what is going on..I know this seems bad...but your body is healing itself...and protecting itself from further harm......it just makes us all uncomfortable...it is something we all have to fight though to get to the end...

 

TC

[[cu...]]

Mikey,

 

Do you like to exercise? Maybe you should start pumping iron or jogging or something..just start out slowly if you aren't used to it or you could hurt yourself and lose heart and give up completely. I have a kickboxing routine that I do EVERY DAY. No matter how tired I am I push myself and I am always glad that I did. I feel so good afterward, and if I'm tired from it, at least I have a good excuse to be tired.

 

It's scientifically proven that the brain creates new connections during exercise and has similar effects on brain cells as an antidepressant if one is depressed. It also protects the brain from aging and keeps brain cells from dying.

[[...]]

mikey,

 

i saw you posted on sundazed thread today that you were at a 1 on a scale of 1-10 today.  i feel for you so much.  i was tapered in just 13 days and the following six weeks were just too hard to even talk about.  i cannot even imagine going through this while tapering.

 

ziggy made some good points.  also, i don't remember who said this, but maybe you could updose to stabilize.  and...are you still taking all the other meds, too?  the gabapentin could be making things worse.

 

oh mikey, i just hate to see you suffering so...this is a horrible, awful drug.  why is this still on the market???

 

please, PLEASE continue to keep us all posted.  and get some help from a doctor to taper you slowly and taper you off all those other meds.  the symptoms you are describing are all too familiar to me.  it does eventually get better but you have to stop taking the meds first to heal.  all this will take time and precision on you and your doctors part but you gotta get some type of schedule going on a gradual taper for these meds. 

 

do you live with anyone?  who is supporting you through this?  when i was at my worst, i lived for 3 weeks at my dad's house.  he had to do everything for me when it came to dr. visits....he had to go in with me and speak for me.  nothing was coherent and everything overwhelmed me.

 

 

who do you have that can go to the dr. w/ you and make sure you are taking your meds correctly?

 

leslie

[[mi...]]

mikey,

 

i saw you posted on sundazed thread today that you were at a 1 on a scale of 1-10 today.  i feel for you so much.  i was tapered in just 13 days and the following six weeks were just too hard to even talk about.  i cannot even imagine going through this while tapering.

 

ziggy made some good points.  also, i don't remember who said this, but maybe you could updose to stabilize.  and...are you still taking all the other meds, too?  the gabapentin could be making things worse.

 

oh mikey, i just hate to see you suffering so...this is a horrible, awful drug.  why is this still on the market???

 

please, PLEASE continue to keep us all posted.  and get some help from a doctor to taper you slowly and taper you off all those other meds.  the symptoms you are describing are all too familiar to me.  it does eventually get better but you have to stop taking the meds first to heal.  all this will take time and precision on you and your doctors part but you gotta get some type of schedule going on a gradual taper for these meds. 

 

do you live with anyone?  who is supporting you through this?  when i was at my worst, i lived for 3 weeks at my dad's house.  he had to do everything for me when it came to dr. visits....he had to go in with me and speak for me.  nothing was coherent and everything overwhelmed me.

 

 

who do you have that can go to the dr. w/ you and make sure you are taking your meds correctly?

 

leslie

 

 

.5mg of K & Effexor xr 150mg

 

All i Feel Is Sleeping All Day And I Have Psychosis Sometimes i Stare like a dumbass for couple of mintues it

 

pisses me off Yesterday i Drove for the first time 50 miles no problems i sweat like crazy as well and my memory is

 

bad i forget numbers these weird symptoms are going drive me to the hole

[[mi...]]

NO ENERGY AT ALL   > > AND RAGE WHY GOD WHY

[[ic...]]

Careful what you wish for - post benzo the weight will come back and then you'll be complaining about gaining weight! 

 

Hey, try to look at whatever you can in a positive light - if you keep being negative about everything it's not going to help you recover. Grab every little sign of recovery and be grateful - its like a ladder, keep climbing and don't look back. Attitude is everything.

 

 

[[Pa...]]

Careful what you wish for - post benzo the weight will come back and then you'll be complaining about gaining weight! 

 

Hey, try to look at whatever you can in a positive light - if you keep being negative about everything it's not going to help you recover. Grab every little sign of recovery and be grateful - its like a ladder, keep climbing and don't look back. Attitude is everything.

 

 

 

[[zi...]]

I know right.  I think what happens is that we have conditioned ourselves to eat and eat during the taper and withdrawal.  So that after the withdrawal we keep eating the same way we were before, however the body and its metabolism has slowed down after the taper is done which is why we suddenly are gaining weight.  Normal people don't eat 10,000 calories a day and not gain weight, and now suddenly we wonder where all of this weight is coming from?  It's because our bellies are so used to all of the food and it has been stretched out.  Now we need to recondition it and eat less.  For me that is easier said than done, but I am working on cutting out all of the carbs in my diet to start with.  I just wish I knew this ahead of time so I could have planned to start cutting back on my food intake.  Another day, another battle to fight!

 

Ziggy

[[mi...]]

please can someone explain how a seizure feels like because everytime i get up there is severe pressure in my head and someone is squeezing me.. and i am scared to walk i Worry That I going to get a seizure..

please i need to know  if i  know maybe i will not be scared....my memory is way off and lost

 

i said before i don't want to die early age, the hospital really screwed me up... i can't even enjoy my life with my niece's and parents inside i feel like shit. I Look Normal My Eyes But I See Glass

 

 

Mikey

[[...]]

Mikey,

 

I have never had a seizure..but I am pretty sure if you had one..you would know....and probably be sitting in the hospital at some point...

 

I guess at this point...the best thing you could do is come up with a plan....if you don't feel the meds are working..then constantly staying on them ...of course is not going to make your feel better.....I understand that you can't just quit these medications.....I wish it were that easy...but if you really feel the medications are causing you to feel this way....you may want to find a good doctor to help you determine whether or not you can safely come up with a plan to get off the offending medications....

 

TC